Very daring, indeed

Texts to Victor:

me: Hey, I just found some of those “love dare cards” at the antique store and they’re so awful that I kind of want to buy them.

Victor: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

me: Oh, you know.  Those cards that people use when they don’t know what to do in bed anymore and so they have to draw cards to tell them imaginative stuff to do to each other.

Victor:  At an antique store?

me:  Well, they’re “Christian” cards.  So they’re less “sexy” and more…I dunno… “really horrible”?

Victor:  What the hell are you talking about?

me:  Hang on.  Sending you a picture:


Victor: Wow. Totally turned on right now.

me: So I was going to buy the cards because they seemed like they’d be funny for $2.50, but now the clerk is saying they’re $2.50 per card.  He wants me to pay a hundred bucks for old cards that might possibly be the only thing to save my marriage.

Victor:  What?  You just want them to make fun of them.

me:  Yeah, but HE DOESN’T KNOW THAT.

Victor:  Good point.  Not very Christian of him.

me:  Exactly.

Victor:  I was being sarcastic.

me:  Ah.  Hard to tell over text messages.

160 thoughts on “Very daring, indeed

Read comments below or add one.

  1. OMG Jenny I LOVE YOU! Those aren’t even antique. They are cards made to go with a Christian movie that came out a couple of years ago. Not even old, the cards were made in 2009. The antique guy is WAY overcharging and totally making up the fact that they are antique & what a jerk thing to over charge for. You can get a whole new box set for your enjoyment for less than 5 bucks! Take THAT angry “antique” guy.

  2. Yeah, blow that ‘deal’ off. They’re all over the Innerwebs in the $3-5 range.

  3. My husband’s grandmother (actually his stepmom’s stepmom, if you can believe that convoluted mess) gave us a “prayers for couples” book as a wedding present. We never opened it (we’re not religious) but now I sort of wish we would have, maybe we could have had a laugh.

  4. My wife would make dare cards but it might be more along the lines of, “I dare you to take out the garbage tonight, instead of half heartedly attemoting to chase the garbage truck down hauling a sack of trash.” or “I DARE you to remember to take the car in for an oil change, YOU SEXY BEAST!” Which is why I am not forwarding her a link to this one, Jenny. Sorry.

  5. Looking at Brandi’s info, you could buy a few sets and go undercut the antique guy by selling them for $2 a card! Take THAT too angry “antique” guy!

  6. In Christian porn, the pizza boy shows up and is unexpectedly drawn into a tawdry, 3-way vow renewal.

    I’m getting hot just thinking about it.

  7. Ha! I didn’t know there was a christian version of love dare cards. Now I’m picturing awesome ones like “wear kinky nun outfit and pray with your husband” or “take it in the butt for Jesus” and I’m kind of sad because these probably don’t exist 🙁

  8. I wonder what the Christian version of those sex suggestion dice would be?

  9. WTF kind of crack is that guy smoking to charge $2.50 A CARD?? I’m pretty sure that unlubed butt sex isn’t one of the Christian Love Dare Cards, so he should put his thing away.

  10. We have a Couples Devotional Bible. We’re not religious. The CD Bible is currently in a box in the attic.

  11. When I got married, my 90 year old grandmother gave me a book that she got for as a wedding gift in 1947 about how to be a “good wife”. Hubby & I have a blast pulling it out and laughing over some of the sections!

  12. there is a movie based off of these cards called fireproof or something like that…’s bad, really bad.

  13. so informative! references on social media to “Dare Cards” just went over my head before. NOW I KNOW. thank you.

  14. I think my parents had a set of those cards once. They’re divorced now. Anyway, i feel like buying a second-hand set of something to help your marriage is bad luck. Like buying a wedding ring from a pawn shop. Like, if it worked so well for you why is it in an “antique” store, and why are you charging so much for it? So you can pay your alimony?

  15. Oh, you people just made my day. Thank you Jennie for creating a space that isn’t a jail for us all to gather. And cannot wait to see the Bloggess-branded LoveDare cards appearing very soon in the “half a pound of uncut heroin” store. If you hurry, I can have mine by my anniversary in August.

  16. Firstly, we Christians don’t want to ruin your marriage. it’s too damn amusing to ruin, secondly. Who the hell takes a pack of numbered cards like this, and breaks up the set, expecting it to sell?

  17. @Banana Stickers – OMG! “Take it in the butt for Jesus” made me choke on my water. That needs to be a t-shirt.
    I can’t believe he wanted to charge $2.50 A PIECE for those things. What a bunch of crap!

  18. Buy them, make them into special edition bookplates for your memoir, and sell your books for an extra $5 each. PROBLEM SOLVED.

  19. So, um, yeah. Not worth the cost.

    I would, howver, pay good money for a set of Jenny & Victor How to Survive Your Marriage cards.

  20. We got the accompanying book for a wedding present from the pastor who married us. He must not have noticed that my husband was giggling every time the pastor prayed during our service…

  21. My mother-in-law gave us the “Love Dare” book for our first anniversary. We skimmed through it together with a lot of eye rolling and snarky commentary because it’s really the only way to stomach the sections about praying to God that I’ll be able to please my husband during sex. Oy. We’ll just stay heathens, thank you.

  22. Yeah – that guy is trying to rip you off. You can get those new online, no problem, and you don’t have to leave the house and deal with ripoff artists to get ’em.

    My husband doesn’t understand my obsession with Abalone Jesuses (Jesi?), so I can really sympathize here.

    (I totally get you, although personally I prefer conch-shell Jesus. ~ Jenny)

  23. My stepmother bought me the book, “The proper care and feeding of husbands” by Dr. Laura. There are too many things wrong with that sentence for me to even begin. So, naturally, I’ve never read the book, but when she asked me how I liked it, I said, “It’s great. Any time he gets out of line, I just whack him with the book and *poof* all better!” She was really quiet after that, but at least I never got another stupid book.

  24. $2.50/ card?! even the pope would agree that’s F’ing nuts. at least this pope would agree. the last pope would probably have bought them, he always seemed like he had a frisky side (in a non-frisky christian way ,of course).

  25. I would pay good money for Jenny cards. Absolutely!! Great post. The comments have been awesome too. I love you people.

  26. Oh, they aren’t even antiques? I just read the comment that states where you can get a whole box for less than 5 bucks. Now you gotta do something to get antique guy back. Do you not have anymore haunted dolls laying around that you could sell him? Or maybe buy some Dare Cards from Spencer Gifts to give him. Or get a 5 dollar box of them and sell him some. Say you’ll give it to him for 50.

    And I so laughed at Banana Stickers… If they ever make those, they should have some quoting Leviticus. They could call them, “The things that burned down Sodom and Gomorrah cards.”

  27. I think the clerk was confused. Probably someone else set the price, and he misunderstood what “each” meant.

    In any case, here’s how you save your marriage: just take a picture of each card, and then go through them on your phone, one each night. Problem solved!! :-0

  28. For our wedding one of my husbands cousins gave us the book. Its full of fantastic ridiculousness. We re-gifted it to my brother-in-law for his wedding.

  29. Victor should seriously consider writing a book about how either: His life was normal before he met you, and then it became awesome; or about how his life was f***ed up, and then he met you, and it became awesome. Whichever is appropriate.

  30. You have to write new cards! Your public demands it! Christians are depending on you! The fate of the universe rests in your hands!

  31. OMG. I fully support the Jenny Lawson marriage cards idea (Lawsbian cards?), and would definintely buy some. Particularly if you included @Bananastickers “up the butt for Jesus” thing…I chortled.

  32. OMG! This looked familiar so I googled it and figured out where I had seen it; the crappy movie Fireproof. It was a bad BAD movie made after the popularity of the love dare stuff. My SIL gave it to my husband and I to watch a few months before our wedding. The message is nice, but horrible acting and such strong religious tones weren’t our cup of tea. So, you should totally watch it, if only to end up MST-ing it like we did. Really strengthened our relationship.

  33. My husband and I watched “Fireproof” with a few other couples from our church. They were all crying and gushing, while we sat there silently thinking about how it was the WORST movie we had ever seen. The worst. We’re probably going to hell.

  34. I’m sure all your readers would be more than happy to write you cards to make fun of (or save your marriage by ridiculing together?) FOR FREE. Forget that store!

  35. OK, who here would contribute to a Kickstarter where Jenny creates a deck of Bloggess-themed Dare cards? (raises hand)

    (Holy crap. I just got a PDF of all of the love dares and I can’t stop laughing. I think I can do better. Getting to work immediately. But no kickstarter. We don’t get along. ~ Jenny)

  36. First Exodus International is shutting down, now Christian marriage cards have been relegated to the antique store. God is so being kicked out of the bedroom.

    We’re all going to hell.

    That was sarcasm…I know…hard to read over text/internet messages.

  37. If humiliation is not involved when other people are requested to be present, then it’s an Epic Fail as a dare. The people who wrote these cards learned nothing in Jr. High. (BTW-daring me to renew my vows in front of others is like asking me to go to the grocery store again. I already did it once.)

  38. @According2Robyn, @Leroy, @Banana Sickers…it is a toss up as to whose comments made me laugh harder. I would totally buy @thebloggess branded cards.

  39. Maybe a vow renewal could be fun! Wear your red ballgown, Hailey could walk Hunter S. Thomcat down the aisle, and you could re-do your wedding photos! Just a thought 🙂

  40. I got that movie from a “friend” when I was in the middle of getting divorced. I donated it unopened. BTW commenters on here rule. I just keep refreshing and reading and laughing. Work? What work? Bonus points to comments 10, 11 and 33. Those are A-freaking-mazing. Can’t wait for my set of Jenny dares.

  41. Maybe he considered them antiques because the cards didn’t work to save his marriagr 😛

  42. I’m really angry right now. Because. What? Why would anyone pay 2.50 per card??? Wouldn’t you just take a picture of it, like you just did. Or just, like, remember it? It’s only one card! That guy is a two-bit swindler, and how (and other old-timey insults).

  43. If he’s getting $2.50 per card for them, you could probably purchase a bunch of sets off the internet for $5 and sell them to him for $50 apiece. He would think he’s getting the deal of a lifetime.

  44. Hmmm… Rather than just a deck of dare cards, maybe you could do something more like Cards Against Humanity, but with a set of “situation” cards (i.e. if you find yourself in this situation then…) and a set of “response” cards (i.e. …this is how you respond). The player who plays the best (i.e. most Bloggessy) response for the drawn situation wins the round.

  45. OMG sooo funny. You should have a regular “Texts to Victor” every week or whatever, I love them!

  46. One of my friends is actually doing the Love Dare right now. Everyday on Facebook she posts a “Dare” and then tells us how much she loves her husband, how wonderful he is, etc. I’m to the point I don’t even read her posts.

  47. As you are getting to work on your own, may I suggest one featuring Juanita daring us to “Bake a motherfucking souffle wearing only an apron!”? Maybe in all caps. I’d happily pay $2.50 for that card alone.

  48. Oh sweet lord — the “take it in the butt for Jesus” comment above made me fall out of my chair. Someone make cards that say that.

  49. Definitely think I need to get these to spice things up. Can’t believe I was considering new lingerie when these gems are available.
    Heidi Jeter

  50. always the christian way. money = christian’s help. “having trouble with your salvation? we’d be happy to help, if you kindly come to church on sunday and add to the collection plate. silent collections only (aka no loud change banging around, just dollah dollah bills y’all).” i say go with athetist love dare cards. they have values that are MUCH closer to your sense of humor jenny 🙂

  51. @Banana Stickers – After reading your comment all I could think of was this song. I love these two ladies.

    P.S. NSFW and probably going to offend people so, um sorry about that in advance. I guess.

  52. Also If it’s not too invasive of your privacy, I 2nd having weekly “Texts to Victor” additions to this blog. They are fantastic indeed.

  53. I spent a minute reading your post, Jenny and then a half at the photo. Probably hours at the comments! <3

    You guys, rule! 🙂

    Thanks, Jenny! <3

  54. I’m glad to see people giving you shopping advice. Get the cheaper cards! BUT ALSO, write some of your OWN!! Wooeee. Love Dare cards by The Bloggess!! I can see it now. Also, the movie.

  55. I bet for a hundred bucks you could finds dare cards a lot more exciting. But probably less godly. Because cleanliness is next to godliness and uncleanliness is fun. Or something.

  56. Hmmm…..”50 Shades of Gray” meets Jenny Lawson equals kick ass dare cards, I cant wait!

  57. That vow renewal card is a dare only because all us wily homosexuals will bum rush the altar in the name of ruining straight marriage. 😉

  58. Jenny,
    Your posts always crack me up. Don’t ever stop blogging. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NEVER STOP BLOGGING!

    You’re amazing. And fan-CAT-stic.


  59. “…to formally renew…” ’tis very daring, indeed, to split infinitives! That kind of naughtiness certainly get you extra credit in the bedroom if you use the right tone.

  60. I have been reading your posts for awhile but this sure made me crack up. Which is amazing because I have been suffering from a depression for three months. Laughter feels amazing. It makes me feel free! You bring a lot of laughter into many lives. Namaste!

  61. I have been reading your posts for awhile but this sure made me crack up. Which is amazing because I have been suffering from a depression for three months. Laughter feels amazing. It makes me feel free! You bring a lot of laughter into many lives. Namaste!

  62. Ummm…yeah what they said. And Victor totally needs to write a book.

    “Take it in the butt for Jesus” still laughing…..

  63. I think I may have to embroider “take it in the butt for Jesus” onto a bookmark.

  64. Can’t wait for Bloggess dare cards. I am all over that like a bad rash!!

  65. these comments are hysterical. yeah, Christian love dare cards? hmm. and they actually go with a Christian movie. this whole thread is just scaring me. I agree with a previous commenter – make yer own and we’ll all buy them!

  66. on a related but somehow less funny and more disappointing note… google “50 shades of grace”…

  67. You guys have the best text conversations! I love you both. But, why is Victor never in any of your pictures? Camera shy?

  68. I love the whole “text to Victor bit”
    I dont know if he is real or not but found the whole segment funny
    Have “Victor” write cards to rejuvenate the marriage and share them
    Possibly “Sexy Sunday”w/Vic

  69. I get the stereotypical jabs at any group ,race , religion
    They exist because a few people meet those stereotypes and in a radical way
    What I don’t understand in the comments is the serious amount of hatred and lack of tolerance (haven’t we all arrived here yet) for Christians

    But I know a few like those described but I just don’t think y’all have met any true
    In love and grateful for Grace Christ followers. We’re out there.
    Living in imperfection every damn day but grateful gir Hus love. Grateful enough to know the only way to be thankful is to love it out. To any and everyone.
    It s choice. Every day. To forgive ourselves , others
    And it’s not coated in buildings , collection plates (gag) or seminars
    It’s hard work , tough love, sacrificial , overwhelming privelge to love others
    So when you see that kind of love. Know that is Christ
    And I hope you do know that love and see it in those who claim to be His
    Because otherwise we aren’t

    (My dad’s a big Christian and he’s awesome. I get it. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  70. And Victor *didn’t* want you to buy them?? Sorry Jenny, but I’m afraid your marriage is doomed. Doomed, I say. Though you do have that awesome Beyonce, so I think you do have a very strong bond after all 😀

  71. On a completely unrelated note, my house flooded the other night (for the third time). We had to rip out carpet and throw some things away. After hours of maintenance, my exH tells me that my Bloggess book was ruined. Sniff sniff. This is what I considered the tragedy, not that I had poop water all over my bedroom. It was hard bound and everything! Sure, I can buy another, but I might feel like I was cheating on my original book. Yes, I believe books have feelings. Sigh

  72. “write a renewal of your vows and place them in your home…” OK, sure. So what would the most appropriate placement be? The bathroom? One of the cat pans? Tattooed on the back of our 15 year old? Framed and hung on the wall above the TV so we’d both be sure to see it??? Nah, fuck that shit. Love dare card? Here’s the dare: stick together through the great stuff AND the shitty stuff, support each other always, love each other no matter what, LIKE each other, and laugh your asses off whenever possible. Having said that, would totes love to see a Jenny Lawson deck!!

  73. … These are more confusing than fun. And because I doubt the “rapture” (their version or mine) will be initiated by these cards I think I would rather just pay the rolling of the smexy dice game.

  74. Tough call. On one hand fun to have to make fun of. On the other hand, do you really want a card lying around the house that says “thou shall obey husband at all time?” That’s not a recipe for saving a marriage, that’s a recipe for needing a really good defense team to keep you off death row.

  75. Oh thank you for the best laugh I’d had all day. I seriously need to get a set of those for my Secret Santa gift this year.

  76. We live near the QEII bridge over the river Thames between Essex and Kent. Ishbel often dares me to jump off it, I think she is serious some times, sheesh

  77. And to think, all these years I thought my marriage would survive based on the strength of our love and dedication. Now? I’m terrified divorce is right around the corner, seeing as I’ve never even HEARD of these things!

  78. I agree with everyone else. You definitely should be writing your own cards! I would buy them!

  79. Ha $2.50 a card. What a rip!
    Although I must confess i’m itching to know what other words of pure & pearly wisdom they contain!

  80. Nothing sexier than staring at each other from opposite sides of the bed while on your knees praying. Makes me want to flagellate myself right now.

  81. @GinD – ““It’s great. Any time he gets out of line, I just whack him with the book and *poof* all better!” She was really quiet after that, but at least I never got another stupid book.” OMG LOL
    and Jenny, you find the BEST stuff to make us all laugh about! <3

  82. What sort of dare is renewing your marriage vows? That is one of the oddest things I have seen recently.

  83. Jenny, I love you and your fans who reply to your posts!! I wish I could be as creative as ya’ll are!! Hilarious!!! 😀

  84. This card obviously assumes I spent time coming up with great “vows” to begin with? Confession: Left that task to the day before (ouch!). Spent more time on selecting cake, music, seating chart (yeah, just about everything got more attention!).

  85. LOL I love the relationship you guys have! But, seriously…Get a can of whipped cream. Those cards suck ass.

  86. If you were rudely texting someone in my store while I’m trying to sell you a fucking awesome product, I’d probably overcharge you too.

  87. If their “dare” cards are like that, imagine what “truth” cards would be like.

    Woman: “Truth or dare, honey?”

    Man: “um, truth. That last dare was too much. My heart still hasn’t slowed from reading Genesis together with you in the original Aramaeic.”

    Woman: “okay then, truth. What is your social security number?”

  88. Those cards seem about as inspiring as a deck of “Old Maid” cards. Remember that game?
    Thanks for the great laugh Jenny, and the rest of y’all are HighLarious!

  89. Cause we don’t believe in much more than brushing our teeth we had a wicken wedding because we knew it would be entertaining. We asked our wicken/hippy friend to write our vows and she made them very looooong. I honestly cant remember any of them just that is was great fun, so my marriage must be doomed ha ha. Oh and I really don’t know where God was but he was to busy to make an appearance.

  90. Wow. Who knew that there were Christian versions of those cards? Think of all the other kinky things that there are Christian versions of: Christian Condoms (crosses printed on the reservoir tips), Christian velvet padded handcuffs (for serious bedroom martyr play) and Christian female exploitation music videos (showing fully clothed women performing various home cleaning tasks while Christian rapper The Notorious J.C. raps about cleanliness being mutha-huggin’ next to godliness).

    Of, and glad you didn’t pay that much per card.

  91. Yeah, we TOTALLY need to put together a Lawsbian version that demonstrates how the best marriages, much like most food from the British Isles, are based entirely on inadvisable dares: “I dare you to gladly buy me that 400 year old stuffed sloth dressed as a circus acrobat”, or “I dare you to take me to a work party and not get pissed off by my anxiety mouth”, or possibly, if you’re willing to expand from your own marriage adventures, “I dare you to spend an entire weekend with my family unmedicated (including alcohol) and still speak to all of them – including me – by the end”, or “I dare you to find a recipe that I can’t accidentally ruin at the most inopportune moment.”

  92. I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it until it happens, THIS IS WHY THE WORLD NEEDS A DESIGNATED SARCASM FONT! It would be the default font for 90% of all my texts, emails, and social media posts…it could bring about world peace.

  93. To Maya #137: does the buyer of the sloth have to be dressed as a circus acrobat, or does the sloth have to be dressed that way? Because at this point after reading Jenny’s blog for so long, a sloth in a circus gear is really just a typical Tuesday.

  94. I think you should probably have your own reality tv show so we can watch you all the time. or…idk something. so that I can not watch it for a couple of years and then have a glorious Bloggess marathon. would be good.

  95. What the hell kind of hoity toity antique shop is this? $2.50 per card? I’m pretty sure that the entire set is probably only 19.99 at any retail store… Even then, it’s a little pricey.

  96. I can just picture the guy who wrote those, in fact I think I met him once…in the natural family planning section of our marriage prep class. The leader asked what ways (other than the ones that cause pregnancy) could we express our love for our partner if we didn’t want to have a child right then. Of the sweet and somewhat fake answers given (long walks, holding hands, poetry, etc.) my favourite was “prayer”. I was not allowed to give my answer. Apparently BJ isn’t something you say to a priest.

  97. My “good Christian” grandmother approached me within minutes of my wedding ceremony and, in a very scolding manner, told me “you better keep those vows you just took young lady”. Looking puzzled, as I was kind of in happy mode, she said, “the vow that you are going to keep yourself to your husband, that means no fooling around!” No lie, I thought I was going to die!

  98. So basically, these cards are “Daring” you to lose all of your friends by cramming your attempt to save your waning love down everyone’s throats? VERY FUNNY, GOD.

  99. Totally unrelated to this topic, but made me think of you…Buzzfeed has an article on how to overcome social anxiety and become the life of the party. I thought of you, not because I think these tips will make you magically anxiety-free, but because they include a picture of Beyonce’ (the singer, not the chicken. but STILL.) And because I could imagine you trying to use these tips and all that happened is that you walked around singing Destiny’s Child songs at a party.

  100. I thought I was the only one person who hated those things! An ingrown hair/paper cut/I’m outta coffee hatred!

  101. I made up cards like these. They are called, Love *coughChore* cards for the hubs. They mostly consist of,

    “Our love is never ending, like the leak in our sink”
    “Our love is like a lawn, and ours needs to be mowed.”

    I mean, I would only charge $2.50 for the pack for these…

  102. As a former despiser of Christians and scoffer of Jesus, I could have written any of these comments about eight years ago.

    Since then, I started looking beyond our culture’s shallow view of Christianity and my own prejudices to find out more about the guy behind the whole thing: Jesus himself. Because if he’s who he really says he is ~ savior of my soul and yours ~ that might just change everything. And it did for me.

    So I just ask you guys to dig a little deeper. The book of John is a great place to get a real feel for JC.

    It’s far too easy to pick on Christians. My goodness, we can be an annoyingly flawed bunch. But look past us, will you, and check out the guy who rose from the dead for us all.

    I “dare” ya. 🙂

  103. Oh, great. I clicked on the link to see the cards and now Amazon thinks I’m interested in watching “Fireproof.”

  104. This is why there has to be a sarcastic font AND a sassy font. Of course my sarcastic font would just be Arial.

Leave a Reply