UPDATED: My gallbladder wants to kill me.

in Random Crap

UPDATED BELOW…

Yesterday I ended up in the hospital until 4am because my gallbladder is an inefficient fucking murderer.

MARTYR (of very small, unimportant things that are quite ouchy when you experience them).

This is the second time in the last three months that my gallbladder decided to be a big old bastard and so I told the ER doctor that I wanted him to yank it out immediately, but he wouldn’t because he fucking loves gallbladders and acute pain, and also because he’s not a surgeon and didn’t have any knives available.

I’m going to meet a real surgeon this morning and I’m bringing my own spork because if he doesn’t dig this thing out of me then I’m just going in for it myself, because my father had the same thing and he waited until his gallbladder EXPLODED, for fuck’s sake. And yes, most doctors prefer the term “ruptured” but I’m pretty sure “ruptured” is just latin for just letting shit explode inside of you like a time bomb.

Also, I called for directions to the surgeon’s office this morning and the receptionist told me to just look for the door labeled “San Antonio Colon and Rectal” and I hesitated for a bit and was like “Um…I don’t think I want my gallbladder removed that way” and she laughed and said they just hadn’t changed the labeling on the doors yet, and that technically if they did remove my gallbladder through my rectum there probably would be less scarring.

I’m not entirely sure if I’ve picked the right doctor or not.

More later if I’m not dead.

UPDATED:

Alright, so I’m back from the doctor and he was very nice and professional and is planning on pumping me full of carbon monoxide or dioxide (the one doesn’t kill you) and yanking out my gallbladder through my bellybutton.  He didn’t speak perfect english but I’m pretty sure that’s what he said.  Also, he said that he was going to remove the gallbladder using cutlery and then I was like “Cutlery?  Like fish forks and dessert spoons?” and he shook his head and pointed to the comic book  he’d used to explaining the procedure and I realized he was saying “cautery“, which makes much more sense.  So, awesome.

Also, I asked if I could keep my gallstones so I could make a necklace out of them and he said that he couldn’t do that because new regulations are assholes, and that he couldn’t even give the people who’d been shot the bullets he dug out of them because it’s considered “medical waste” once it’s been in your body.  Which seems weird because my daughter came out of my body and they totally let me take her home.  And some people even bring home their placentas and make people eat it (seriously…that’s a thing) and no one ever complains about that.  (Except for the people who have to eat placenta, probably.)  I explained that I was pretty sure that wearing my gallstones was less offensive than making your family unwittingly eat your placenta and the doctor agreed with me and said he’d totally had this same argument a dozen times, which seems like an odd argument to have more than once.  He did though, agree to take lots of pictures and share them with me.  And my friend Maile offered to come take pictures of the surgery and I almost took her up on it because she’s an amazing photographer, but then I remembered that after the surgery the doctor pushes all of the leftover carbon-whatever gas out of your belly button and I don’t think I’d want anyone who I know in real life to witness me forcibly farting out of my bellybutton, because even your very best friends would never let you live that down.

Surgery is a week from today.

Wish me luck.

836 thoughts on “UPDATED: My gallbladder wants to kill me.”

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  2. Take care and best wishes. I completely understand your desire to be rid of such a tedious and malevolent gall bladder.

  3. Good luck at the surgeon! Hope he knows that your gall bladder is a long way away from your rectal area, lol

  5. Good luck, I hope your recovery short!!

    Be sure to write in Sharpie all over your body. Outline the gall bladder. Write on your thighs that students aren’t allowed to give you a gyno exam while you’re out. All that happy fun stuff ya know.

  9. Good luck to you Jenny dear. PS I can’t believe that bastard Victor took a picture of you when you were in martyr mode. So rude.

  10. Any organ that routinely stages a coup should be escorted out – through whatever path available.

  16. You look really cute in your hospital gown if that is any consolation. And gallbladders are petulant assholes. Off with its head.

  18. I went through nearly a year of hell with my gallbladder (yes, a year – but a big portion of it was that I was too STUPID TO GO TO THE DOCTOR until I’d suffered suffered SIX MONTHS of attacks, thinking there was a logical explanation for lying on the bathroom floor wanting to die every few weeks or so) and although the surgeon said straight out that I was in bad shape by the time he got to me, it didn’t rupture. Those asshole gallbladders are kind of stubborn. You’ll feel much better when it’s out, though.

  21. Things I Just Learned: You might be able to pull out a gallbladder through a rectum. Jenny needs better medical advice. Sporks can be used as surgical devices.

  22. My gall bladder was angry too, best thing ever was to get rid of it! I asked the doc to weigh it because I wanted to know exactly how much weight I lost but he didn’t do it. Jerk.

    Hope they get rid of yours today!

  23. See if they’ll let you keep it in a jar! That way you’ll have something to auction off along with your appendix!

  25. I had mine out a few years ago… after a few idiot doctors let me suffer for 10 years because, and I quote, “You’re too young to have gallbladder problems” despite my insistence that almost everyone in my family had theirs out before they turned 30. I also had the complicating factor of it just not functioning instead of having gall stones. So there’s that.

    So hopefully it goes well with your surgeon and you can get that little sucker yanked out soon.

  26. Hugs to you. Gallbladder issues suck. I was so happy when mine was removed.

  28. I actually feel like you picked the correct doctor with a sense of humor.

    Hope all goes well.

  29. I feel your pain…gallbladder issues are a bitch. Good luck!

  30. um, yeah. I don’t know much about anatomy, but i’m pretty sure I don’t want ANY parts removed through my rectum. as hubby would say, “REC-TUM? hell, KILLED ‘EM.” harharhar. good luck and godspeed on getting that MFer ripped out…just not through the a$$hole.

  31. Worst pain ever. Childbirth, by comparison, is a splinter. Get the damn thing out. They do lap surgery for this, a couple pokes and one 1/4 inch incision, no big scars or excessive recovery time, you can even go home the same day. Be rid of the damn thing.

  32. Mine was a vicious bitch too….thankful that the night I ended up in the E.R. that my close friend pulled back the curtain and told me that he would yank that sucker right out of me….ohhhhh also super thankful that my friend is an amazing surgeon…LOL I did complain later that I thought he had taped my right breast over my left shoulder during the surgery, but he just got pissed and told me that it was gas trapped in my body…his wife just rolled her eyes…..

  33. @Katie, I wonder if you can stuff an organ? Like an animal.
    I think I just went to a bad place. Unicorns SPARKLY FRIGGIN UNICORNS carrying Vera Bradley bags. There that’s better.

  34. Warm healing thoughts to you…You’ll be stunned by how pain-and-poison-free you feel when you wake up without the offending organ.

  36. They say that gallbladders are as fun as a barrel full of hysterically laughing unicorns. I don’t know what’s wrong with them.

    I hope your insides remain intact until you & your surgeon decide otherwise.

  38. On the plus side you still look beautiful even in the ER. Don’t know how you manage that but I’m envious. Now for the gallbladder: don’t forget to Ask them to put it in a jar for you so you can sell it on ebay.

  39. Milkthistle will take care of this problem. Seriously. I know you’ve probably made up your mind, but until you can get your surgery scheduled, go to Walmart and buy the Nature’s Valley Milkthistle. It’s six bucks. Take four a day, not all at once.

    I know. I can’t help it. It’s what I do. So take it or don’t take it. Just like my advice.

    Love ya, girl. Feel better!

    TRIBE JENNY!!!

  40. Been there, done that. Asked them to save me some stones after surgery, and my totally rockin’ surgeon did. My son used them in geology class for who and tell. Because yes, they are calcified, just like rocks outside your body.

  41. Believe it or not – it’s called NOTES, natural orifice translumenal endoscopic surgery – and the goal is to use orifices you already have to remove things like gall bladders and appendices. It’s still very experimental.

  42. Best wishes and healing thought for a safe and fast recovery.. with minimal scarring! 🙂

  43. HA! Mine recently and abruptly decided to end it’s previously peaceful coexistence with me as well. I was two seconds from having my husband remove it with his dog and horse doctoring kit. Fortunately the surgeon was easily persuaded. I’m now two weeks post op and couldn’t be happier to be rid of that evil demon organ. Good luck!!

  45. Healing blessings and hopes for a good surgical team. Mrs Rug went through it quite a while back, and had some issues with one of her nurses. Once she was all healed and out, though, she felt much better.

  46. The only thing I regret about having mine removed is I gained back the 20 pounds I lost when mine went downhill. Ok, that and allowing them to send me home three hours after surgery. OUCH! The no more screaming after eating onions or peppers was a definitely an upside.

  47. Get it out!! I had mine done a couple months ago and it’s was SOO worth it!

    (PS — the surgeon my doc sent me to was in a bariatric surgery office. I’m sitting in the waiting room thinking “is he trying to tell me something??”)

  48. What about a laser? I thought they could just lightsaber anything these days. Quick and painless. I’m hoping quick and painless for you.

    -Angie

  49. Please take a Mason jar along with your spork. Because *obviously* no matter how that bastard comes out, you’ll want the exploded remains in a jar to take home. That way next time you ask some asshole if they “want a piece of you”, you can follow it up by throwin a piece of your exploded asshole gallbladder at them. I’m just trying to think ahead for you, because I care. PLEASE be better soon, I need your sanity in my insane world.

  50. Had it done last year. I love any reason to take meds, so it was a win/win for me (I was careful). I only needed them for three days. You’ll do great!

  52. Definitely get that evil thing out. It’s an easy surgery. They go through your belly button. Been there, done that. Prayers and good wishes your way.

  53. Please don’t die! As a matter of fact, please get healthy, because you are wonderful, and deserve the best of health and happiness!

  54. Don’t forget the spork! Also, you look MAHvalous, even with tubes taped on.

    Truly, I’m vibrating healing thoughts in your direction.

  55. I just had my gall bladder out a month ago. It’s not so bad. Just take it easy, especially that first week. You will feel a ton better. Good luck!
    PS Mine was not extracted from an “orifice” yikes.

  56. get it out…I had mine done last month and jumped on a plane to Hawaii two weeks later. Felt SUPER good, spent 12 hr days in Hawaii and never once thought that I had just had surgery. You will feel so much better and will not live in fear of having more attacks.

  57. Hang in there! I had this a few years back too. They said on the ultrasound that my gallbladder looked like a purse full of pearls. Just the stone septic kind. They took it out the next morning. Good luck. If they do take yours out they can do it laproscopic which is just a small cut usually and heals quicker. Have the Dr take lots of pictures for us 😛

  58. I had mine out last year after two attacks – they hurt luck a mofo. Best tip while waiting for your surgery is NO fat diet – steamed, fish, chicken, veg, rice, yoghurt. It will stop the little sucker from trying to squeeze the stones out. Poor you 🙁

  61. I really wish you the better!, hope you get well soon… because there isn’t enough Jenny Lawson in this world D;

  62. If he wants to use your spork to go in through the out door it’s time reevaluate your choice in Doctors. Good luck Jenny and feel better soon.

  65. I had mine out 14 years ago, and almost died in surgery because the doctor didn’t believe how bad my pain was. I had a giant stone lodged in the duct. Um, when you are screaming and barfing in the ER, maybe there might be a little pain. Asshole. You’ll feel so much better when that fucking gall bladder is out. Even if it’s through your asshole.

  66. Oy. Be well. I had mine out a few years ago. I was sorely disappointed that they wouldn’t give me my stones. Something about medical waste…

  67. Feel better! I had my splodey think out about 17 years ago…best thing I ever did….they are nasty little buggers! And get it done as fast as possible….my sister didn’t know about hers being so evil and ended up with systemic infection and an emergency surgery! Enjoy the drugs!

  68. Good luck! I hope it all goes well and you don’t have the gall bladder removed via rectum. I thinking that might be slightly more traumatic than you are looking for. Good thoughts your way!

  69. Oh and they will probably let you keep that stones if you want them. I have mine in a container in the kitchen I like to whip them out and show visitors.

  72. May they give you lots of drugs to keep the pain away until your gall bladder is out. Gall bladder attacks are worse than labor.

  73. Outstanding, can’t believe you had the gall to blog about this. Oh wait, you’re you. Seriously though, I had some similar issues a while back so I feel your pain. Tape and Aspirin to it, you’ll be fine.

  74. And you are still funny during all of it. I admire you so much! Hope you don’t need the spork, but if you do, I don’t recommend using it rectally. Tines…ouch. 😉

  75. On the topic of gallbladders (and this is the absolute 100% truth I swear I’m not making this up). I had problems with my gall bladder for about 14 years on and off. Then, last spring, I spent a weekend in April on my sofa reading your book and laughing hysterically. I laughed so hard my abdominal muscles were actually sore. I finished the book Sunday evening and returned to my job on Monday still a little sore from laughing.

    On my drive home from work that Monday afternoon my soreness gave way to an ever increasing ache in the upper right quadrant of my abdomen. Still I thought I had really just pulled something laughing (I do laugh really hard, I even had broken blood vessels under my eyes from laughing). As the evening wore on though, that ache slowly turned into a “Dear-sweet-Baby-Jesus-make-it-stop-if-I-had-any-military-secrets-I’d-talk-red-hot-poker-this-is-what-being-drawn-and-quartered-must-have-felt-like” pain. My husband took me to the ER and finally my gall bladder had tanked and met the requirements for removal, which they did the next morning.

    So, I’ve always felt a little indebted to you for making me laugh my gall bladder out. I hope they’re able to exorcise that demon organ of yours and you’re feeling better soon. Lots of love!

  76. OMG, like 20 people already used the “Recked ‘um” joke. I’m devastated. Now I have nothing.

    Gallbladders are no fun. Also, gallbladder is a stupid name for an organ. As a writer, your body is simply cleansing itself from bad word choices. It means you’re reaching a whole new level of writing and biology.

    And now that I’ve just made myself jealous, I’m going to go cry about how this writer has never had HER gall bladder removed. Although there was that hernia… and come, on, “hernia”? Almost as bad as gallbladder.

    Feel better soon, Bloggess. <3

  77. I had my gall bladder out a few years ago. There were three little incisions (on in my navel), and I can’t even find them now. If you haven’t ruptured, that’s probably the way they’ll go. It was a fairly quick recovery too. I felt so much better (after having felt so awful). Praying it goes the same for you!

  78. You’ll feel so much better once it’s out! It took me 6 months of doctors visits to get them to take it out. I didn’t have stones and the functional test was inconclusive so apparently in the medical world that meant I was fine and just needed a doggy bag of narcotics from the ER. I was not fine. I was sick for over a year. I threatened to take it out myself which they didn’t like, but hey, ball’s in your court, pal. I got mine out a month ago and, twist ending, it was diseased!

    Related: I now understand why people throw their lives away on morphine. It’s magical!

  79. My daughter had her gallbladder out at 16 after ending up in the hospital for an overnight stay because she wouldn’t stop throwing up and her tummy was very ouchy. It was done laprascopically so she has 3 little dimples around her belly button. She tells people the person doing her belly button piercing was drunk. 😉

  80. I think you have TOTALLY picked the right doctor. Anyone who can give you a silver lining to forcibly removing something out your bum is a receptionist for a mighty fine doctor, indeed!

  81. Ugh. I’m sorry. I went through this a couple of years ago. You’ll be much happier with the fat bastard gone!

  82. I feel your pain. No one would touch my gallbladder for 6 years. 6 painful years. Something about I was too young to have issues with it. No 18 year old has gallbladder problems. I was finally referred to a wonderful surgeon who took one look at me and said. “You’re having gallbladder attacks. When would you like for me to remove it?” Just a note, apparently they don’t like doing the actual surgery in the office exam room. Which is stupid when you are 21 and have been in pain for 6 years. But once it was gone, oh, wow! the relief! You know, a side from the whole can’t use your stomach muscles and all. Best thing I had while recovering? A teddy bear. Yup, I was 21 going to see Monster’s Inc with a teddy bear! It was a hard one, used as a splint for heart patients. If you can find one I highly recommend it. They make laughing, coughing, standing so much easier. Good Luck!!!

  84. No pressure, but if you don’t taxidermy your gallbladder into a singing raisin or something, I think we’re all going to be a little disappointed. At minimum, jar of formaldehyde/lava lamp.

  85. I started having severe gallbladder attacks a week away from my c/s date. I ended up at the ER the second time 3 days away from my c/s, contracting, & they still wouldn’t deliver me early, b/c my OB was on maternity & the scheduled doctor for the c/s thought it would be fine to leave for a week long vacation the week before I was due, even though I was on high risk watch! I had to wait 2 weeks after I gave birth before they yanked it out of me. I feel for you!

  86. I just had my gall bladder removed two weeks ago today. Its a pretty easy recovery, and the best part was I didn’t have to cook or clean for a whole week. Best vacation I’ve had since getting married and having kids! Feel better!

  90. Dude, you don’t need that bitch – get it yanked! They do it without so much cutting these days anyhow. Question: Do you plan to keep it in a jar? That would be cool, maybe a nice reminder to her mother for your daughter! She can take it to college with her and freak people out!

  91. I had mine out on a Monday and went to the State Fair on the following Thursday! Good Luck!

  92. Keeping my fingers crossed that there’s nothing involving the rectum, just a nice guy who is all too happy to yank the evil thing out. Then, you’ll have a great excuse to chill on the couch for a couple of weeks and NO MORE PAIN!

  93. I had mine out at 19 after a few years of misery. Apparently the stones were so big, they sent them off to be preserved for study, but they didn’t even leave me one. Jerks. It is kind of cool to know that somewhere people do look at part of me with awe, though. Good luck and feel better!!

  94. Feel better soon! And you should totally give your gallbladder to your dad for a late Father’s Day gift!

  95. I just had my gallbladder taken out 3 months ago. Thankfully, I never ended up in the ER because of it but that surgery was the best thing possible. I had a non functioning, severly infected gallbladder. Stock up on gas-x strips and tums. And try to move around as much as possible after your surgery to make the gas get out of your abdominal area. And take it from me, BE MINDFUL OF WHAT YOU EAT AFTERWARDS. I thought my usual steak quesadillas were fine for dinner last night. WRONG. On so many levels.

  96. You should ask if you can keep it in a jar once they pull it out. You could sell it on the black market for a discount (you know, because it is stabby so it might be a hard sell). Or you could name it, put it on a bookshelf, and torture it for the rest of your life. That is what I do with the kidney stone I left in my back pack anyway. No one wanted to buy it. Apparently kidney stones have no value on the black market.

  98. As I read this I am in agony because mine was removed yesterday. Word I warning: they won’t just take the damn thing out. I have had the following tests:
    CAT scan
    HIDA scan
    Upper gi endoscopy
    COLONOSCOPY
    Abdominal MRI
    MRCP

    All done over a two month period. And they were all negative. I saw a surgeon last week who said, “sounds like your gallbladder needs out.” No shit!!!
    And he was right. He told my husband it was nasty.

    Moral of the story: if all of those fancy tests say your gallbladder is ok it must be. Until of course it is robotically removed and it isn’t.
    I hope you get yours out quicker than I did

  99. Omg just get it out! I was sick for a year with that god for shaken shit( although I was the thinnest I’ve ever been so maybe I shouldn’t of had it removed). One huge recommendation…do not laugh when you get home holy shit does that hurt like a mother fucker. My son was five and totally into star wars so he laid with me on the couch and I was like what is Jamals deal. He’s like mom Its “Darth mal”whatever. Anyway. Best of wishes to you

  100. The gallbladder is not unimportant, small though it may be. Gallbladder attacks hurt like a mad bastard. I know I thought I was DYING. I hope they get it out soon, and give you the good pain meds.

  101. I had my gallbladder removed after 3-4 months of OH FUCKING DRAG QUEEN JOSEPH THAT HURTS SO BAD stabby pains. It was full of gall stones. I named my murderous gall bladder Rocky. When I went in to have it removed I asked the Doc if I could keep Rocky’s stones. He looked all aghast and said “Why?!” I replied with I want to make a maraca. Its that whole turning a bad horrible no good thing into an awesome thing- thing.
    Stinkin doctor wouldn’t let me have Rocky’s stones. But the wretched and sadistic Rocky is gone now, and I am much happier for it. 🙂

  102. Good luck! My father-in-law just had his gallbladder removed on Saturday and he is doing great. I wish you a speedy recovery!

  103. I think that any Dr.’s office that can joke about how to remove a gallbladder is exactly the right place for you. Good Luck!

  104. I really hope you feel better soon. One question, do they let you keep your gall bladder after they take it out like they do tonsils, that is un less it explodes? I think it would look great in the doll house mad scientist lab.

  105. Oh no! I hope they take it out. And soon!

    I, too, waited until my inefficient bastard of a gallbladder exploded (don’t let them call it “ruptured”…bullshit! It felt like it exploded and took out a few vital organs with it!). Though, this wasn’t by choice. I dealt with the pain for seven years (SEVEN YEARS!) and no surgeon would take it out. They were all convinced it would get better and become more functional, because somehow, a gallbladder with 30% functionality on a good day, isn’t so bad. Of course, they never saw me lying in a fetal position on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night crying and rocking myself because the stabbing pain wouldn’t go away. Surgeons are assholes sometimes.

    So good luck!!

  106. Been there. I had mine removed almost 20 years ago (shit I’m old!) after being misdiagnosed with everything from an ulcer to psychosomatic crazy girlness (added the last part myself). If they won’t take it out, you might want to remind them of stuff like pancreatitis and kidney failure and malpractice suits and stuff.

    Good luck! Having mine removed was a godsend.

  107. I just had my gallbladder removed two weeks ago. I was lucky enough to have a doctor that saw the symptoms of bastardlike behavior and he rushed me to a surgeon. I was also lucky enough to be referred to a surgeon that specializes in removing the gallbladder through only one incision through the bellybutton. I’m healing like a rockstar! If you can find a surgeon that will do that, definitely go for it! If you live in the SF Bay area, I can give you the info.

  108. Um, I think you have chosen the exactly RIGHT dr, he’s so busy taking out angry gallbladder a through people rectums that he hasn’t had time to change his sign. Plus: less scaring. Seriously good luck, I had a good friend get hers out and she lived having it out. Apparently gallbladder can me very bitchy!

  109. As someone that just experienced the toxic gallbladder organ syndrome that shut down all my other organs I feel for you. I personally recommend you start asking janitors to take it out because then they admit you and they find a real surgeon to take it out.
    I also feel compelled to tell you that they take it out of your belly button and you should under no circumstances look in your belly button a week after surgery because you will be convinced that a popcorn shrimp has taken up residence in said belly button.

    Good luck!

  110. I have read the word gallbladder way too many times this morning, thanks to your post. You should definitely get it taken out, not only because it is trying to murder you, but also because it’s a terrible, terrible name for a body part. Gallbladder, gallbladder, gallbladder….

    Get well soon!

  112. I’m sorry you’re in pain… at least while you’re at the hospital they can give you pain meds. I had my gall bladder removed last June and they took it out through my belly button. I hope you’re out of pain & on the mend soon!

  113. Gall Bladders suck!!! It was life changing after mine was out. I will warn you, I still had attack like symptoms for 6 months afterwards – nausea, etc. Now life is good.

    I hope the meeting with the surgeon goes well! Thinking of you!!

  114. I had my gallbladder out when I was still in college. All the med students were fascinated, and came in to poke me and ask if it hurt when they did. The answer was always yes, incidentally.

    I’ll tell you the funny story about my operation after you’ve come through. If I tell you before, it may scare you.

    Anyway, clearly I survived. I’m sure you will, too, and then you get to be curled up into a ball for a week while you heal. It’ll be fun.

  115. Get it out. You won’t believe how much better you’ll feel. Also, stay near a toilet for a month or three. Because after the gall bladder comes out, there is NO warning about needing to poop. That gradual feeling of, “Oh, I might need to poop later” is GONE. It’s just, “Holy shit, toilet or not, IT’S COMING!” Nobody warned me about that part.

    You’re welcome.

  116. Had mine removed in May, recovery was a breeze… Hope you’re having it done Laparoscopically. Best of luck to you!!!

  117. Gall bladder issues are the worst! I hope you can get it out soon, so you don’t have to deal with that pain anymore.

  118. Holy moly, you’re funny! Just discovered you. Best wishes for a speedy recovery, fucking gall bladder.

  119. Gallbladder is considered a delicacy, but only if it’s served with mint sauce. Otherwise, don’t bother. Just have a hot dog.

  120. Hoping for a speedy recovery!! Is your gallbladder conspiring with your ovary? On another note, possibly take Copernicus with you next time. He has knives.

  121. Eh – I had mine out last year (and I didn’t even need to because my doctor is fucking incompetent but we won’t go into that because wine) and it was half a day of bed rest and three small incision scars. Hope you feel better soon!

  122. My thoughts are with you. I’m so tired of my doctor telling me “well there’s nothing really wrong with your gallbladder” even though about once a year I feel like it’s going to explode out my side like the alien in, well, Aliens. Good luck and I hope you don’t need the spork!

  123. Oh Jenny, I feel your pain. It was just less than a year ago, when I had to have mine removed. I was in miserable pain and what should have been a simple in one day, out the next, turned into 2 hospital admissions, totaling 8 days. I was out of work for a month, and still felt kinda yuck when I returned to work. It took about 6 months for me to start getting back to normal, post surgery.. but then, I started putting back on all the weight I’d lost from not being able to eat right for months. That sucked. I hope that your gallbladder doesn’t give you the trouble I had, and that you get to feeling better soon.

  124. You’ll feel better, but stay close to the bathroom after you eat greasy foods!

  126. Feel better, Jenny. I know gall bladder issues are no joke. My Mom had hers out after resisting very pitifully…she is such a wimp when it comes to pain.

    My sister-in-law, however championed on for months before ending up in the ER. She had at least 3 dozen stones and almost went septic, she is stubborn like that.

    Hoping I’ll keep mine intact, but who the hell knows these days.

    Give that gallbladder hell with yer spork!

  127. I hope you can get the surgery and it goes well. I had to have mine out nine years ago. I was sore like I’d done a thousand sit-ups (I’m presuming; it’s probably the pain of 10 sit-ups actually for me) for a couple of days but drugs are good. lol Just be careful afterwards not to each too much greasy food because…well, I don’t want to get into the details, but it’s rough.

  128. hahahahah! see if i had a secretary that said something like that, i would be SURE i was in the right company, humor in the office is vital…

    i am very sorry for what you are going through and will have to check out the rest of your blog but i have a feeling i will enjoy your humor and sympathies with your suffering

    i suffer from lupus and all the joys it brings, i just started my own blog for this and when i figure out how, i would love to add your blog to the links section/list of people to follow

    us sicky babies need to stick together and teach the world what invisible illness looks like 😉

  129. hope everything goes well, I’m certain it will be a relief to get that bastard outta ya!

  130. Gallbladders suck. If they don’t see stones or sludge on your tests then you’re screwed. I hope for your sake that you are loaded to the gills with stones so that they’ll end your suffering. I suffered the way you are from the time I was 10 to the age of 36 and told the surgeon take it out or I would.

  131. Don’t be scared! I had an emergency gall-bladder surgery a few months ago, had to have mine removed immediately because I was in so much pain I could barely funcion. 3 days later I was back at work and feeling fine!

  132. Yeah I had mine out 4 years ago. It sucked. Be careful cuz yes you can go back to eating crap, but anytime you DO have greasy food now, you will have to go to the bathroom shortly after.

  133. Look on the bright side. That’s a very nice picture of you. Even in the ER with no makeup on, you’re so pretty. Gallbladder pain becomes you. Praying for a speedy recovery.

  134. You tell your stupid gallbladder that if it doesn’t start behaving that it’s going to have to answer to the tribe. We do not take kindly to threats to our leader! Get well soon Jenny. We love you.

  135. So Sorry – the pain is un-freaking-real, I had mine out when I was in my 20’s. And then forever after you hafta be careful about mixing booze and fried foods, and the only time you can eat any kind of creamy soup is home. Alone. Within 10 ft. of the bathroom. On the other hand, I got to keep 2 of my gallstones. Still have them in a jar somewhere – always meant to make them into earrings.

  136. BOOOOO
    And by boo I mean ‘screw you gallbladder!’

    Feel better. Remember – nuke the gallbladder from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

  137. I am pretty sure if they removed your gall bladder through your rectum you would feel like a hand puppet…. and though that could be interesting…. I don’t think it would be super comfy… possibly even less comfy than the potentially exploding gall bladder….

  138. I have a fatty liver and it drops sludge into the gallbladder. I started eating much healthier a few years ago, unaware that cutting out fried foods would literal feel like it was killing me. I eat advacados once a week now and that seems to keep the sludge moving enough that I don’t get pain. If I become aware of where my gallbladder is, I just go eat tex mex and that feeling goes away.

  139. You’ll be glad to know that your sense of humor is not located in your gall bladder. I was worried about that when they removed mine. But a year later and I’m still fucking hysterical.

  142. I just had mine out last week. My pain after is less than I had before surgery. I even got a new belly button out of the deal.

  144. I hate hospitals. Especially when you have to go to one alone.

    Also, how do you manage to still look so super cute in a hospital gown?

    Some of us would be lost without you, so take care & feel better soon … xoxo

  145. Good luck! I had mine removed, after seriously considering hitting my head on the wall to knock myself out, I decided surgery was probably a better option. Warning though, no matter what they tell you, your gall bladder does actually serve a purpose. It keeps you from shitting your pants. So, after you have it removed, try not to shit your pants. When you eat fatty or greasy foods, you will have to run to the bathroom. Some people don’t have a big problem with it, so hopefully you’re one of the lucky ones.

  146. I’ve had the surgery, and you will feel SO much better without the little bastard. I tried to get my surgeon to remove my appendix while he was in there, because I hate having surgery. I figured I’d get him to remove the next possible trouble while in there, but he wouldn’t do it.

    Just FYI – they blow your abdomen full of air, so take something loose to wear home. Mine was done on an emergency basis so I didn’t have that option, and I could not zip up the pants the next day. Thank God for long shirts.

  147. Gall bladders are overrated. Ditch it, quickly. Then laugh at it as it lies dying. Then skip the funeral. Feel better!!

  148. At least the lady on the phone has a sense of humor. Humor is good when choosing a surgeon….on second thought……

    Feel better soon! Gallbladders are bitches!

  149. I’ll be the patient for you! They can have my gall bladder…I’ll do it for the pain pills…wait, that makes me sound like a drug addict…I’m not, really…I have fucking Fibromyalgia…I hate this constant pain…all night, all day, every night, every day…it’s fucking ridiculous! Whomever invented it was insane. I’d rather have a kidney stone or have my gall bladder removed…UGH!

    PS – I hope you feel better taking MY pain pills.

  150. I felt the exact same way! You will feel so much better once they get that thing out of you! Hopefully they will do it fast!

  151. Don’t worry…if they take it out laproscopically (is THAT spelled right???) it’s no big deal. Jut 3 little tiny scars and a whole lot of gas afterwards! But I will warn you, be ready for some EXPLOSIVE bowel movements from time to time the rest of your life…always know where the nearest toilet is!!! Love your book! How’s your Dad doing???

  152. I had/have a little cyst on my gall bladder. The pain is excruciating, right? I didn’t want surgery, so I cut 99% of the fat out of my diet; no cheese, no peanut butter, no egg yolks, no chocolate, OK a little bit of chocolate, but not like before. And my symptoms have gone away, it’s been 2 years now. don’t you want to try a diet change before a surgery?

  153. Having my gallbladder taken out was just part of my continuing weight loss program. Appendix, gallbladder, cartilage, bone fragments, and other unnecessary pieces, I feel like a new man. Although, I am a little worried about what I may lose next. My gallbladder had more than forty stones in it.

  155. My gallbladder also tried to kill me so I feel your pain. You’ll feel much better once it’s gone. But here’s a secret nobody tells you…once it’s gone you’ll have trouble processing fats for awhile so be sure you’re VERY close to a bathroom right after you eat. (a tip I would have been very grateful for after my surgery, if you get my drift)

  158. You will feel better when it comes out; but (of course there’s a but) you will need to be careful of what you eat for a few months. Like if you go to DisneyWorld and don’t like the food at a restaurant except for the salad, don’t eat a platter and a half of salad. It will hurt you like a mofo. Like you want to die again kind of pain. Feel better!

  159. Gallbladders are evil little bastards! Having mine removed after YEARS of gall attacks and doctors telling me it was just acid reflux and muscle spasms in my back. I took a trip to the ER, had a painful ultrasound and out it went. I instantly felt better… Well, after the pain of surgery and that damn gas dispersed from the surgery and my shoulder stopped hurting. Hoping you have a safe surgery and speedy recovery!

  160. My gallbladder tried to kill me when I was eight but fortunately, my doctors punched it out of my body with lasers. Just last year (at the ripe old age of 24) a stone in my bile duct started plotting revenge for its brethren… Less lasers this time, but the same amount of victory.

    Hurts like a bitch. Tell em to give you the good stuff!

  161. A good surgeon can go through the belly button and leave no scars. Forget the other exit. Unless you’re due a colonoscopy. Then it’s just being efficient.

  163. My husband had his gall bladder out after it almost exploded. Just so you know, it is there for a reason, and your doctor not wanting to get rid of it isn’t a whim. Your gall bladder stores bile – it’s the OMG-YOU-ATE-KFC emergency response unit… you eat fat, it comes to the rescue with extra digestive enzymes. Since losing the gallbladder, coming up a year ago in September — he’s lost about 20 lbs, which is not coming back (I know, that’s probably not a disincentive, says the rolly polly lady). The reason he lost the weight is that his stomach is often in turmoil from eating any food with fat. So kiss the french fries, potato chips, bacon, any quantity of red meat goodbye for a quite a while. He also gets full really fast. Food is not fun any more. The acute pain will vanish, but if you get any pleasure from food, you’re going to lose that for quite a while. Weigh your options carefully!

  164. Maybe less scarring but not the way I’d go with. Although I’ve never had to remove my gallbladder, so I don’t know what I’m talking about.

    I can’t think of any stories that would inspire you or assure you everything will work out fine. The only story I can think of is of my mom sneaking candy to my grandpa when he was in the hospital. Tip: kids can enter a hospital carrying almost anything in their pockets and they don’t get in trouble. No one searches kids pockets.

  165. I hope it goes well and quickly, and you get well so fast they don’t know what hit them. Make those doctors laugh, but not while they’re cutting you.

  166. I described my attacks as: “it feels like someone shoved a knife through my midsection and twisted it”. And yet my doctor (my OB Gyn, by the way–I was pregnant) said, “well, woman can have some funny pains while they are pregnant.” Oddly, he’s still my GYN.

    Once I went to a regular physician, and then a surgeon, I received proper attention to the un-f-ing-believable pain. Not a lick of trouble since I had it removed. Hoping the same for you. (Avoid fats to avoid attacks until you do).

  167. Good Luck and I hope you feel better soon!

    After being sick forever, a surgeon decided to take out my gall bladder “just in case.” Didn’t help, but it was an extremely easy surgery to recover from and I didn’t ever have any of the aftermath problems of not having one. I just counted it as the world’s smallest weight loss via not-so-vital organ removal.

  168. I went through it once. Once.

    Got that shit taken out the next day.

    Good luck, hope you don’t like fried foods too much and hope you’re but one of the 5% (like myself) who get bile salts that make you shit within minutes of eating…. hope you like rice if you do.

    Love and thoughts to you!

  169. Feel better!! My mom had her’s out, and she decided that she wasn’t going to have surgery and then recover, she was going on a ‘surgication’! So think of this as some surprise time off for some mandated R&R!

  170. UGH.
    Hope you’re feeling better soon, Jenny. I wish I could think of something witty to say, but I’m too busy wincing at the thought of your performing a self-gallbadderectomy with a spork to think of anything funny.

    (As a side note … A SPORK?? If you can dig out organs with one of those things, you are truly the Queen of the World, because I can’t even pick up a fucking tater tot with one of those gender-confused utensils.)

  171. Well, I’d always rather have nurses with weird senses of humor. Hope it all goes well and that they dig that sucker out soon!

  172. Oh, I forgot. Did they tell you the med school shorthand for accessing possible gallbladder issues?
    Forty, Fat, Female & Fertile.
    Charming. But, reasonably accurate.

  173. I had my gallbladder out, and let me tell you, you will be SO GLAD when the fucker is gone and can’t hurt you anymore!!

    Good luck, and I hope all goes smoothly. xoxo

  174. Yuck! I went through that last year but felt a million times better when they finally removed it.

    Sadly they wont let you keep it in a jar afterwards. 😉

    I hope you are feeling better soon and am sending sporky thoughts to you!

  175. Hey Jenny,

    I’ve noticed you and I share a lot of similar health issues and I was wondering if you have been tested for a gluten allergy or celiacs disease?

  176. I just had mine removed last Monday. Mine had become an evil Bond villain and was plotting to ruin my life one attack at a time so after 18 hospital stays in 3 years, the doctors finally yanked the thing out. It’s only a week since but I feel fantastic. Get it removed as soon as you can, the immediate difference is insane. Hope you feel better soon !

  177. The temerity of that gall bladder!

    I consider this to be a hilarious play on words. 😛

    Get better soon, Jenny. Hugs to you.

  178. Good luck & when you have the surgery remember these rules:
    1) as soon as you get to your hospital room grab the phone and turn the ringer w-a-y down. The last person in that room was stone deaf and you don’t want to jump when it rings right after you get back to your room (been there done that)
    2) When the nurse peeks in on you in the middle of the night – don’t twitch or they will take that as permission to poke, prod & play with your bod. Only up side is they will give you drugs when they’re done.
    seriously tho:
    3) anesthesia can cause depression as it works its way out of your system afterwards & it can take up to a year to do it!
    4) should you decide to have the onion rings (or other fried food) within a year after surgery – be sure you’re close to a bathroom (or better yet take an imodium first!)

  179. If the receptionist is quick enough to think of having your gallbladder yanked out through your rectum as a way to eliminate scarring, you are TOTALLY at the right doctor’s office!!

  181. When they removed my mother’s gall bladder, she had 20+ triangle-shaped stones in it. Are you sure you’re not an ambulatory quarry?

  182. Good luck and I hope you feel better too.

    My gallbladder did the same thing to me a few years ago. I ended up in the hospital a week before it was supposed to removed. It was spewing stuff back out into my body so I had to be on IV antibiotics and fluids until they could remove it. The surgery was a breeze, they did the laparoscopic procedure and I was out in no time. Recovery was easier than when I had my impacted wisdom teeth out but that’s because I didn’t get take home drugs like I did with the gallbladder 🙂

  183. I’m with ya, sister! Had mine out a few years ago after convincing my docs there really was something wrong with me. It was the best few thousand bucks I’ve ever spent. (I think the med. industry should do a serious study on the effects of depression/anxiety on gallbladders).

  184. Pssht, whatever. That gallbladder is amateur! Aiming to be the first serial killer gallbladder, my mom’s gallbladder starting slowly killing my mother whilst turning her breast milk sour, so that it could destroy a tiny breast feeding me as well. That is what happens when you believe in your dreams, gallbladder! You could have BEEN somebody.

    Despite having a subpar murderous gallbladder, I hope you feel better soon and get that bastard out.

  185. I’d say I don’t miss mine, and really I don’t….but I do spend a lot of time desperately popping Immodium while sitting on the toilet praying it will stop before I have to go to a function. Or back to my desk. I no longer freak out when the odor in a public bathroom is a miasma because I so sympathize. Also, I’m the queen of courtesy flushing.

  186. If the nurse is making jokes, I think you’ve picked the right surgeon. However, if you wanted to come up north, I would be happy to recommend an excellent surgeon and surgical center.

  188. Jenny, just had mine out about two weeks ago. I had a great surgeon and I really was (painfully) on my feet the next day. I milked it and took a week off from work.

    They wouldn’t let me have the stones though…something about biohazard human body parts disposal protocols. Apparently they have to send it off to a lab. I think it’s all a cover and our diseased organs are being sold on the black market to medical schools for dissection. Can you imagine? A whole class at their tables, dissecting along to the diagram…student with the most stones wins the pool…

  189. Bloggess of my heart:

    I feel your pain…or rather, felt it… twice. Please note: not only can your gallbladder cause you (insert heretofore uninvented word meaning penultimate pain) but so can the GHOST of your gallbladder.

    Indeed, five years after I was exorcised of that tiny, angry demon, I developed similar symptoms again. Apparently, even if the organ isn’t there, stones can form and lodge in the little passageways that your liver and pancreas like to use. This is not to scare you… it’s just to encourage you to see your doctor without delay if you ever experience the symptoms again after your surgery… unlike moi… who for three years kept saying, “there’s no way I’m THAT kind of sick because I’ve already taken care of that.”

    Yes way.

    BTW, if you don’t want cholecystectomy scarring, ask if you can have an ERCP to remove the stones. It might not be feasible if your stones are a certain kind, but the ERCP doc travels down your throat with tiny surgical instruments (don’t ask me how they shrink the doc to get him in there) rather than cutting into your side — and while that might seem like a party at Guantanamo, it’s actually much less invasive. Since you get to sleep through it, who cares?

    Feel better. There will come a day when you can eat bacon again, baby girl. I promise you that! <3

  190. I had to have my evil gallbladder removed after two ER visits, so I literally feel your pain. “Enjoy” the liquid diet… Ick. Get someone to smuggle you some fries.H

  191. My wife is waiting for her gallbladder to try and kill her. There is a family history. Her tonsils, however are always trying to do her in. And no one will take them out for her.Happy thoughts are with you!

  192. Been there, done that. I know how fricken’ awful it is. I thought I had been shot through with an arrow. Which is weird, because there were no bows & arrows around at the time.

    That said, the doctor screwed up, and clipped my COMMON BILE DUCT. I ended up having three liver resections, lung surgery, several infections, and 53 days in the hospital. So good luck with that.

    Make sure to tell the surgeon not to fuck with your common bile duct. It’s a bad idea.

    Good luck… get better soon!

  193. I actually think you did pick the right one if the office staff is that witty. Good luck, the surgery went very smoothly for me when I had it done. Actually, it was a damn relief to have that fucker gone.

  194. hahahahahahaha. love you and your posts! Yet another gallbladder story: Mine ruptured. And then fell apart while they were taking it out. Made me pretty damn sick for a while. Get that sucker OUT!

  195. and my husband thought I was crazy for buying a titanium spork, but you never know when you might need one of those uber-useful utensils!

  196. Best thing I have ever done for myself was to get rid of my gallbladder. I didn’t even know how bad I felt until it was gone. I had mine taken out through my belly button…which was actually pretty awesome because I have no scar. It will be year ago next week and I have been AWESOME!! Everything in life has improved and I am in no pain. Get that sucker out!

  197. Lol, I think you picked EXACTLY the right doctor! Also, I’m discussing your book in book club next week – woot!

  198. Just had mine taken out six weeks ago. What a difference it makes. Hope all goes well and you can kick that douchecanoe of a gallbladder to the curb soon. Speedy recovery!

  200. Every year my gastroenterologist says to me “you have a lot of gallstones” and i say, “well, I don’t notice them, so let’s pretend I didn’t hear that, because they aren’t bothering me. But I will let you know the second the are.” I’m keeping my fingers crossed for my silent gallstones and you soon to be had surgery. Hopefully not utilizing your rectum, Or a spork.

  201. Gall Bladders are tricksy things. Mine almost ruptured on me almost 15 years ago. It wasn’t fun. From anecdotal stories about 50% of people who have their gall bladders removed wind up with some weird food-related issue. Here’s hoping your not in that group of people!

  202. Oh girl, I am so sorry your gallbladder is being an attempted murdering ass hole. I hope you get your revenge soon. Just… not with a spork. Talk about SCARRING!!

    Heal. Feel better. Blog. I will wait.

  203. I had my gallbladder removed last year when I was in such pain I was writhing on the floor, unable to get up. After years of “stomach pain” that I had chalked up to being lactose intolerant and inherently gassy, I finally had found out why I couldn’t eat anything without all the pain.

    I asked them if I could keep the stones, to make into etsy jewelry. They said no, not because they hate crafts, but because gallstones are like cookie crumbs. DOESN’T THAT MAKE YOU HUNGRY?

    Anyways, good luck! If they do it lasroscopically you will just have three tiny scars. If you can turn your bellybutton inside out as a party trick, you will be unable to do so anymore though, as I discovered.

  204. Oh, Jenny, I totally feel for you. After years of pain and several tests that the gastroenterologist said was “inconclusive,” my GP sent me to a surgeon, who told me that the test results actually said that the sucker needed to come out NOW. It was hard to believe him, since he looked like Doogy Howser, but I did it anyway. The anesthesiologist looked just a bit older, and YELLED at me after I’d told him I’d had a sip of water that morning before surgery. “DO YOU WANT TO ASPHYXIATE AND DIE????” But I am so freaking glad I had it done.

    Please be aware, though — if they do it via laparoscopy, remember that they have to pump your belly full of air to do it. When you get home, you’ll need to fart and fart and fart. And calling the nurse is no help. I got up and walked, rolled on my stomach, etc. The only thing that finally worked was bourbon and a cigarette. And yes, bourbon and Percocet should not be taken at the same time, but at that point, I didn’t care.

    Get better soon! And PS? You look awesome in a surgical gown.

  205. Good luck to you! I had my gallbladder out last summer and wouldn’t you know it – after I had the damn thing out, I ended up in the ER with similar pain – and much to my surprise, a gall stone had somehow gotten on the loose and decided to plug my bile duct. That added another procedure to roto-rooter my bile duct and install a stint, which then had to be removed a couple of weeks later. Other than all of that exciting stuff, the surgery was cake!!

  206. I have issues with mine too. I opted to stop eating red meat and I’ve been ok for two years now…except my iron is low now. I had a small amount of ground beef the other day and felt awful for three days. :/. I prefer not to be cut open again..bad experience…

  207. I’m very glad that your gallbladder is an inefficient fucking murderer, the alternative is so much worse!
    Take good care of yourself and hopefully the gallbladder is not linked to the funny bone in any bizarre way.

  209. Had mine removed over 10 years ago, and I feel you. I was ready for them to take it out with a spoon! I still have to be careful about eating fatty food, but that’s a small price to pay to never have to experience that kind of pain again! Thoughts and prayers with you!

  210. Best wishes for a speedy recovery from that bastard. For me, kidney stones are the bastards.

  211. There are a lot of benefits to having your gallbladder removed. Some drawbacks. But overall? Totally worth it. Here’s hoping you can have it yanked and have it done laproscopically, if that’s even a word. Speedy recovery!

  212. Ugh. Best wishes. I hope you’ll only need your spork for the shitty mashed potatoes and corn they’ll feed you later.

  213. take a permanent marker and draw directions on your body. Any vital parts that you want to keep mark them “NOT THESE”

  214. I started having gallbladder attacks about a year ago. I ended up in the er, and then they sent me to a specialist to check on it. So I went to this guy pretty much directly from the er, and he came in and looked at me and my chart and I explained to him what was going on. He touched my gallbladder area which made me basically hysterical with pain, and then he was like, okay, we need to discuss your weight problem. I was like, wait, WHAT??? He then spent 15 minutes telling me I was overweight, and have I thought about weight watchers? I was LIVID! In the end he told me that my weight was a more pressing issue then my gallbladder, and refused to recommend the surgery. (My husband was there too, which i am glad about because who would believe me otherwise? He was also furious, but the Dr would’t change his recommendation of “weight loss”.) It took a month of extreme pain and more er visits before they finally yanked that sucker out. In the end I lost 30 pounds because I was so sick I threw up everything I ate (which the Dr CONGRATULATED me on), but as soon as I could keep food down gained 50 in a single month (and I still wasn’t eating that much). It really hit home how much worse medical care you can get it you are fat…. I was in the er crying with pain, and the suggestion was to lose weight. I lost the gallbladder though in the end, which made my life way better. I am hopeful you will have an uneventful surgery!!!

  215. It is super easy surgery, and you’ll be back to normal in a few days. In the meantime, I am SOOOO sorry. I’ve given birth to three people without so much as a peep (Great, I’m a fucking scientologist now.), and my first gallbladder attack had be rolling around on the floor screaming obscenities, which is behavior I usually reserve for much happier occasions.

    Finger crossed…prayers out…Jello sent… 🙂

  216. Like an idiot, I waited TWO YEARS! When I finally went in (moving day, McDonalds AND pizza) the ultrasound tech said, “Holy cow! We’re not supposed to show you the monitor, but you’ve got to SEE this thing!” The biggest stone was an inch across and had ears, like Mickey Mouse. I hope they get that thing OUT!

    Speedy recovery!

  217. I hope having it removed solves your problems – I had mine removed 6 years ago and guess what?! I STILL have problems! I’m thinking now that the gall bladder wasn’t the problem.

  218. Healing energy your way.
    I think you picked the right place…at least they have a sense of humor!

  219. So to avoid less scarring you need to poop your gall bladder out?

    We.Are.Fucked.

    Thankfully the receptionist won’t be anywhere near the doctor, through the operation.

    Good luck, stay strong. ~hugs~

  220. I JUST had mine out three weeks ago! I was suffering for about a year and a half before I was able to get it out (pesky pregnancy got in the way) and it is one of the BEST decisions I have ever made.

    Le me know if you have any questions! I can totally sympathize; I had my share of ER visits when my gallbladder decided to be a vengeful mother effer. Worst. Pain. Ever. Worse than being in labor for more than 24 hours and having two c-sections.

  223. Ha! I love your line: “More later if I’m not dead.”

    Somehow, I think if ANYONE could figure out how to communicate to us from the Great Beyond, it would be YOU!

    Never stop blogging. Never!

  224. Good luck! My doctors definitely used the word “exploded” when my slow-leaking appendix finally detonated, detaching from my colon, leaving a gaping hole and spewing poison throughout my entire abdominal cavity. I have an awesome row of permanent titanium staples in my colon and a belly button to vagina with 30 staple-hole scar (so pretty). Super fun!!

  225. So glad you’re not dead. Hope you continue to stay not dead. Hope all goes smoothly and you don’t have to get the spork involved.

  226. Yes, the correct technical term is EXPLODED. Because that’s what happened to my Dad (after being misdiagnosed for years…stupid doctors!)…and he almost died. GET IT OUT, GIRL!!! Insist, demand, take a gun with you…whatever you need to do to convince them to operate! Good luck, God bless and be well!!

  227. So, I have a friend who went on a strict NO-FAT diet and was able to keep his gallbladder. He also lost about 40lbs and has been gradually able to reintroduce some fat into his diet if he is careful. Just something to keep in mind.

  228. My gallbladder tried to kill me back in 2004. I felt SO much better after I had it out. Especially because when I’d been to the ER a year earlier, they’d basically made me feel like an idiot when they saw nothing on an x-ray (it showed up on the ultrasound the next time). Good luck. Positive vibes coming your way.

  229. Your gallbladder seriously sucks ass at efficient murder. Which quite frankly i’m glad about, but seriously, I hope there’s no christmas bonus for that one. I think you may have just invented a whole new meaning to teh phrase keyhole surgery!

  230. I met a doc who does “No-incision gall bladder surgery”. Seems he uses an endoscope, goes down your throat and into your stomach, makes a F*CKING INCISION, and snags your gallbladder that way. Sounds like false labeling to me.

  231. Actually, I think you picked exactly the right doctor. Or at least the right receptionist. I think you and she will get along very well–I could totally see you saying that. And the right receptionist is way better than the right doctor. Or maybe not. But anyway….

    I had my gall bladder out a year or two ago (even tho mine was never bad enough to send me to the ER) and I can tell you out is way better than in.

  233. I’m sorry you are in pain. There’s data out there that gallbladder issues is a sign of food allergies and thus removal will only cover up the real problem. There’s way to heal the inflammation. I don’t have my gall gladder anymore and the doctors didn’t know the cause of the problem. Years later I now know I had gluten intolerance (among other things). I didn’t need it removed–I needed the reason it became inflamed. Before you undergo surgery please look up what happens to your body if you are sans a gallbladder. You’ll have issues afterward, too. Trust me–you gall bladder is not an “extra” organ. It’s better to find an alternative. I have a bunch of links if you are interested.

    Be well.

  234. I don’t know if you have the right doctor or not, but you definitely have the right receptionist.

    Feel better.

  236. I hope they can finally resolve this even if it means cutting you open. My friend had the same surgery with no complications.

    Even in pain, you’re still hilarious and inspiring. Sending you healing thoughts and prayers.

  237. Sounds like your doctor’s office staff at least have a sense of humor about their jobs. I’ve never had gallbladder problems, but it sounds like it’s a mostly useless organ anyway (kinda like an appendix that way), so why do we even have them to begin with? Why are we born with organs we don’t really need, but if they start being bitchy, they can potentially kill us? What kind of sense does that make?

    Anyway, good luck with getting your mean ass gallbladder removed.

  238. Good luck! And when you’re high on painkillers, call your sister for an update on excessive hair growth!

  240. First, you look adorable in hospital garb..second, you look a little like a girl I know who sings opera in TX. That is all.

  241. I think you picked the perfect Dr. if his nurse is that quick on her feet.

  243. Don’t be dead. Your blog needs to continue.
    You may have trouble absorbing some fat soluble vitamins and you may also become deficient in B12 after surgery (especially if your dietary changes cause you to avoid meat and dairy products). You probably need to discuss this with your doctor so that you can plan how to address these eventual problems.

  245. I hear that gall bladder attacks are more painful than child birth. Of course I heard that from my ex-husband who had not given birth and was a giant wuss. Quick healing! You’ll feel loads better once it’s out!

  246. Maybe you could sell it! Because a bear gallbladder goes for about $10,000 according to the Internet, but selling them is now illegal in several states. (Because they are are removed by killing bears and not just rectally like yours.) I bet you could get at least 5 grand, which would be a boon to your ethically taxidermied creature budget.

  247. Joining the legions here who want you to fell better. And if you have a legion by your side, things are bound to look up!

  249. It took me 9 years and loads of fighting with my insurance to get mine out. I finally had to agree to be self pay if it turned out to not be my gallbladder, it was, so they paid up. I think the surgeon knew I was serious when I told him to “reach in a yank something out and lets see if it helps.” I was desperate by that point.
    After you have it out isn’t the most fun either though, make sure you take probiotics, they help.

  250. I kind of think you picked the exact right doctor. Receptionist anyway. And you will feel so much better with the gallbladder out.

  251. You’ll be fine. Tell them you have a headache, too. I did before I had mine yanked and the anesthesiologist gave me Fentanyl, which is 80x more powerful than morphine and the best stuff ever. They even let me see one of the stones and it looked like dog food.

  252. And now we know why doctors say, “you can’t put a price tag on good health.” They can, apparently. We can’t.

  254. Some organs are overrated. Please don’t be dead, that just wont work for your many friend/fans! I can tell you that having your gall bladder removed will be one of the best things that has ever happened to, not to mention the morphine. In fact, i think you should commit to writing several blogs while enjoying your morphine. Did you know that horses dont have gall bladders? Be sure to have the doctor take a picture of it (removed) for your blog. It would be fab.

  255. I’m sorry your gallbladder is being a jerk, but I’m glad you’re trying to get it removed before it becomes ‘splody. That’s a good idea.

    I hope you’re feeling better really, really soon!

  256. The same thing happened to me over Christmas two years ago. They sent me home and I was back at the ER the next day. They were going to send me home again until I threatened them. YOU DO NOT NEED TO GO PLAY GOLF. YOU NEED TO SAVE MY LIFE. RIGHT NOW for fucks sake! It came out a day or so later. You have rights. Demand treatment.

  257. Hopefully they remove it! I had mine removed in 2010, when I woke up in excruciating pain from gallstones apparently. It sucked.

  258. All you people with your bad test results and gall bladder surgery make me envious. All my tests come back normal so no surgery for me. I still get to have all the attacks and endure pain so bad that I honestly think I’m having a heart attack and dying. Me and my “normal” gall bladder are going to sit over here and pout.

  259. Oh my gosh, you are hilarious, even though your post is about how much your gallbladder is torturing you. In all seriousness though, I do hope this doctor listens to your intuition and does what you are wanting. I couldn’t imagine dealing with that kind of pain that often and knowing the answer to the problem. Best of luck!

    Sydney

  260. I love how doctors like to understate things. Gallbladders don’t explode, they rupture. It’s not pain, it’s discomfort. Yeah, and this isn’t my fist, it’s my hand positioned in such a way that it will cause discomfort when it ruptures your face.

    Feel better ASAP.

  262. Gall bladders are best out. They are nasty vindictive entities bent on destruction. Hoping all goes well for you and for a quick healing.

  263. Yikes! That is painful! I’ve been there and it sucks. Get it out asap! And if you have to do it yourself don’t forget to lock the cats up first or they’ll play with that shit. Also, Set up the camera. Love and hugs!

  264. Damn girl, that sucks.
    I hope you don’t die cuz I really, really like reading your stuff.
    Take care of yourself and never refuse the good drugs.
    xo

  265. My gallbladder was a b*tch and would have relished the opportunity to explode, I’ve no doubt. The removal of it was my first experience with lap surgery … I would have to think long and hard should the possibility of surgery ever arise again on whether I would do lap or traditional surgery – my partner would likely think the same, who had to deal with me and luckily has the patience of Job (or Victor, really. I wonder if he’s ever been compared to a Biblical person before). But I’m told the recovery for lap surgery is shorter so obviously, there’s that.

    In any event, the receptionist bodes well for the doctor.

  266. Oh no! Not the gallbladder! What a horrible horrible thing. *pets* I had the same thing happen at the beginning of this year. Me: *PAIN* ER: Eh, it’s probably your gallbladder. See a doctor. Doctor: Eh, it’s probably your gallbladder, let’s wait and see if it happens again. Me: *PAIN* ER: Eh, it’s probably your gallbladder, see your doctor. Doctor: Eh, it’s probably your gallbladder. Let’s run some tests. *tests tests tests* Me: *This is getting old* ER: Eh, it’s probably your Me: YEAH, I GET IT. DO SOMETHING. ER: Um, we can’t, unless it’s about to explode. Me: Gee, thanks. Me: *ringring* Doctor? Yeah, just give me the name of the fucking surgeon already. Surgeon’s Office: We’ll see you Tuesday. Surgeon: We’ll take it out Friday. Me: OW OW OW.

    DO NOT BELIEVE anyone who says you’ll be faboo and up and around in a couple of days. Try a couple of weeks feeling like a truck ran over you.

    The good new is, you will get better, and you will feel normal again and you really don’t much need a gallbladder! GET WELL SOON!

  268. It’s “non invasive” these days – just two little port holes and no massive scar. This is really good because abdominal surgery of any kind sucks ass and takes forever to recover from (as I know).
    Wishing you as easy of a time as possible and speedy healing. Make sure they send you home with decent pain management so you don’t have to suffer “because wine” doesn’t mix well with post-op healing.

  270. Feel better soon! Make sure you sterilize that spork before self-surgery-ing . . .

  271. TIL I may have a wonky gall bladder. Except, when I woke up in the middle of the night in horrible pain, I just waited for it to go away and it did. And then it came back. And then it left. This was a year ago. I’m still alive, no thanks to me.

    But no worries, when I started having chest pain 6 months later, I went the E.R. That was heartburn. A probiotic and antiacids and I was fine.

  272. Good luck! My dad had his gallbladder removed (he had gallstones) and they went in through 7 tiny holes in his abdomen, so he was doing great by the next day and healed up in no time after the procedure! I hope it turns out to be easy like that for you, too!

  273. You poor thing. That is so unbelievably painful. And you are sitting at home thinking – I am in excruciating pain. It is radiating across my chest and it might be a heart attack. You were smart to go to the E.R. unlike me, who sat in my living room at 3:00 a.m. by myself with 2 small children asleep, thinking, “I am in excruciating pain here. It could be a heart attack or it could be my gallbladder. If I don’t die in 5 minutes, it’s my gallbladder, if I do, well, then, I guess it was my heart and wasn’t I stupid to not go to the E.R.” DUMB! Fortunately it WAS my gallbladder, unfortunately, same thing – it took a year for me to get it out and I had many attacks that were beyond painful. P.s. Don’t let them rip it out through your colon and also 2nd p.s. My surgeon who was young, fit and GORGEOUS told ME that I would be able to dance a jig and jog within 2 weeks of the surgery. It would be that painless and easy to heal from. Wrong. Wrong and oh, did I say WRONG???? No, two weeks later at the post-op apt I was still in significant pain and wondering when I’d be over the pain, and he just looked at me and said his golfing buddy just had surgery a week ago and was already golfing. I wanted to rip his gallbladder out from his throat and ask him to do a jig, jog and golf! Your body heals at the pace it heals and NO ONE can tell you what that time frame IS!!!!

  274. Take care.

    My father had his gallbladder explode also. Luckily, he was in surgery to have it removed and they had just taken it out of him and put it on the table when it ker-ploded. The only reason he knew that there was a problem was that it acted up after he ate a pastrami sandwich so he went for a checkup. A pastrami sandwich saved my father’s life. See? Pastrami is good for you.

  275. P.S. Dawnie’s comment is correct. The after is not fun. It’s called ‘dumping syndrome’ and supposedly on a small % of the population experience the joy that is ‘dumping syndrome’ and you get the picture from the name. All that stuff that your gallbladder processes, now goes through the liver and ‘dumps into your stomach and intestine’s if you get the picture. She is right. Lots of probiotics and yogurt, until your system adjusts. Whoever said that that gallbladder is a useless organ LIED!!! Hence the ‘dumping’. Still better than the pain.

  276. I’ve got good news for you. The operation for that will leave you with only the tiniest scar. My wife went through it and she came out ok. Had to deal with the change in diet for a bit though but even that got sorted out soon enough. Get it done and get some rest.

    Cheers!

  277. Gallbladders *are* total biatches. Getting mine out tomorrow morning.

    Hope you don’t have to wait too long to get your GD GB out.
    <<<<<<>>>>>>

  278. I hope you can get it yanked out soon. I tried to wait when I starting having “attacks,” because I had an 8 week baby old that basically nursed 24/7, but I got up a stone in my bile duct, and ended up with pancreatitis. BTW, I insisted on bringing my baby to the hospital with me, and the only person who complained was the patient representative?!?? P.S. maybe you can get the doctor to give you the gallbladder, you know , for your “collection” of odd shit!

  279. Why oh WHY do Dr.s insist on keeping malicious organs inside where they can keep causing pain??? I’ve never understood this. I can’t even get a Dr. to admit that my gallbladder is evil, it’s always so nice and polite when I have an appointment. Like it knows…

  280. In the good old days when they let you take medical waste home from the hospital with you, my mom kept her gallstones in a jar in the bottom drawer of the cedar chest. We kids would take them out and look at them in wonder, play around with them, although as I remember they weren’t perfectly spherical enough to play marbles with.

  281. My gallbladder really did literally almost kill me by causing a gall stone to lodge in my common bile duct causing pancreatitis which is serious business. Medically induced coma for 5 weeks, two months in the hospital, life support, re-learning how to walk, homecare nurses for a year, several surgeries and the whole works. You can read about it here: http://www.sunnycrittenden.com/wp/about-me/soooo-i-almost-died/

    Yank that sucker. I’ve had zero issues since they took mine out a year ago and when they took it out, it was discoloured and full of stones so the likelihood of continuing problems if they didn’t take it out was pretty high.

    Good luck. 🙂

  285. It’s an easy surgery and then they give you fun drugs that make you think you’re whispering when you’re not, and you totally think the anasthesiologist can’t hear you call him hot, but he can, and so can the people down the hall.

  286. They took mine out and yes, if they won’t take it out now then use a spork yourself or a ginsu knife or anything else that might be handy. I have never had pain like that in my life and I have had 2 kids and multiple surgeries in my lifetime. I had no idea what was wrong with me and ended up with pancreatitis and could have been dead on the bedroom floor. They took out my gallbladder through a small incision and I have felt a LOT better ever since. The way I look at it is that I wasn’t aware of it until it went haywire and so I don’t miss it now. Good luck to you (you won’t need it, it’s a fairly routine surgery) and enjoy floating along on the drugs they give you.

  287. My 87 year old mother-in-law got her gall-bladder removed laparoscopically and was helping load four if her cows three days later, personally, not by Skype from the hospital! But my sister was miserable for weeks. I hope yours is more the former outcome than the latter and you’re punching cows, or something equally butch, in no time. Be well!

  289. I had mine removed in 2004, for similar reasons. It’s actually a pretty easy surgery and recovery time is usually less than a week. Be prepared for the aftermath – too much grease and you’ll just…pass it. Like, if you ever took the Alli diet pill? Those kinds of side effects. Also, you may have issues with certain spices. I can’t eat jalapeños without feeling sick, but chipotle (a smoked jalapeño) is fine? Weird.

    Good luck, pretty lady!

  290. My wife had gallbladder surgery five years ago. She began having gall bladder attacks during her last pregnancy. she was told that if she were not pregnant (or under 20 weeks pregnant), gall bladder surgery is relatively simple and require minimal recovery time. But since she was 22 weeks pregnant, she would require a larger incision, that it would take longer to heal and then probably require her to have a C-section, because if she tried to push the baby out, there was a likelihood of rupturing her surgical incision from the gall bladder.

    My wife chose to live with the pain of the gall bladder for several months. This was without massive pain meds (again, because she was pregnant). She gave birth to our fourth daughter and had gall bladder surgery the next day. It was brave. It was gutsy (no pun intended). I’m married to a very cool lady whom I really don’t deserve.

    Living without a gall bladder is an inconvenience, but nowhere near as bad as living with the torture of gall bladder attacks. I hope you get the relief you deserve.

    Be well, stay strong and rock on!

  291. Don’t let them talk you out of it. Exploding organ pain isn’t the kind of pain that makes you a better person (like the pain of learning a new skill) it’s basically just pain.

    Good luck.

  292. Jenny, I hope you feel better soon and I hope they can just take it out for you! I suffered through gallbladder stuff for years and then they finally took it out. I could have hugged that doctor. Recovery from the surgery was kind of a pain in the ass for me personally (everyone is different though), but it’s worth it not to have to go to Urgent Care or the ER anymore for the same thing.

    Hugs,

    Emily

  293. I have heard from others that the pain is excruciating! Apparently diet is a contributing factor so stay away from the Golden Arches 🙂
    Speedy recovery to you!

  294. That is the worst had mine out years ago after nightly gall stone pain… hope they get it out for you soon!

  295. Can you do that thing where you go to the sketchy side of town and search for quarters & dimes in a public phone change return and get stuck with a needle and wake up in a bathtub filled with ice with your kidney gone, except, it won’t be your kidney but your gall bladder instead? That seems like it could be efficient although I don’t know if it’s covered by insurance.

  297. I am so with you on this. As on many things, it seems…hmmm. Maybe I should get those checked, too.
    Anyway, after two years of killer pain every few weeks, I finally mentioned to my doctor what was going on. Because I’m an idiot that way, ya know. And she instantly said “That sounds like your gallbladder. We can fix that.” Three days later I was under the knife and after, the surgeon said he’d never seen a gallbladder as enlarged as mine in someone so young (I was in my early 30’s at the time.). He compared it to a golf ball.
    My scars aren’t bad, and on the plus-side, I no longer shudder at the sight of bacon. Ahhh, bacon.
    Wait, what was I talking about?

  298. Luck to you! I feel your pain literally . . . . I too am waiting for the surgery and I think that the fricken’ low fat diet is gonna kill me before the gall bladder does . . . .

  300. You’re quite right to look into getting that thing out. I say, if it hurts you and you don’t need it, time to go!

    I hope that you’re feeling better soon 🙂

  301. I hope it is a metal spork, I have learned the hard way plastic sporks become mostly useless, mini roller coaster models with autoclaving.

    Good luck and speedy healing.

  302. My gallbladder tried to kill me too. I’m in medical journals for it – basically the fat wall that cushions your organs interlaced with the streaky bacon of my liver and gallbladder, so when it did the squirty squeezy thing, my entire ‘cushion’ would get yanked… party good fun times.

    Get the thing taken out. It’s all of four tiny little incision scars and some shoulder pain for a few days after. Oh, and the baseball bat to the belly feeling. But that’s two days, then you’re all good. Get to feeling better!

    (Oh, and if the website link works, that taxidermied ridiculous thing is for you. Let me know how to get it to you.)

  303. Sorry to hear of your gallbladder attack. Hope you feel better soon! Mine gave me trouble for a loooong time …once thought it was because I went bowling..was sooo sore after. Then few mo. later in ER with gangrenous, about to explode GB. Tried lap, didn’t work, had the big scar & staples. Now find out over a year later there are stones left behind…go in in 2 wks to try to fish them out! Hope yours don’t want to make an encore appearance! Sending best wishes and fast recovery!

  304. OMG, MINE EXPLODED TOO!!! A few years ago just 3 weeks after having a baby mine ruptured and it hurt so much more than unmedicated childbirth, and I didn’t get a baby for it. I did get a lot of morphine though.

    I hope they yank that thing out of you and you’re better pronto!! Good luck!

  305. Oh LAWD you are hilarious. I hope the meeting went well. I don’t like surgery but it is pretty damn awesome when they fix painful things.
    I have to say I find it surprising when people don’t like “interesting” routes for surgery. We have had a few patients who were very averse to the idea of vaginal hysterectomies and opted for the way more complex abdominal hysterectomies (with longer recovery times0. But anyway, having a gall bladder removed “that way” would be weird, no lies.
    Feel better soon!

  306. Been there, done that. Go for the drugs, and ask for pictures. And make sure they send you home with good drugs. For me, once the damn thing was out, the pain was from all the gas still stuck in my abdomen. Make sure you move around so it doesn’t happen to you.

  307. I guess it’s gallbladder season. You’re the 4th person I know that is having issues. Hope things get better soon…

  308. Take it out!!! My husband waited until his blew up and it hurt! And he is fine without it. It’s a stupid organ.

  309. Urk. I had mine out about ten years ago – I thought I was being a baby about the gallstones until the nurse came in and looked at the chart and said, oh, gallstones. That’s more painful than labor.

    You will feel SO much better!

  310. ouchies. Hopefully they will cooperate and operate! 🙂 I haven’t had the joy myself, but I’ve watched 2 friends go through that, not fun at all!

  311. We will see how good “the power of suggestion” is….I probably saw the word “gall bladder” 15 hundred million times. Hope it doesn’t work.

    Hurry and get better. …The internet will still be here.(Unless we all get gall bladder problems from this blog.)

    Huggles.

  315. Hoping your feeling better and the have removed that bastard of a murderous gall bladder from you and not through your rectum!!! How annoying when the Doctors stand by while your writhing in pain!!! You almost want to reach out and pinch in that nano second on pain relief and pinch them! I had an amnio test for my last pregnancy and the needle was the length of my fucking arm… Nothing to numb me either!! Just a sonogram pic and hold still!! When it was over, the Doctor said that wasn’t too bad, my reply… in front of the nurse and my husband, let me see your penis and I will jab that needle in you, then you tell me how it wasn’t so bad!!!
    In all seriousness I hope your back at home asap, im sure the cats are keeping up with their jobs, von trapping and going thru the pile of Im confused books!!!

  319. What’s the doctor waiting for? A stadium chant? Here it is: Take it Out, Take it Out, Take it Out. Hope that helps and fingers crossed for a speedy recovery!

  321. Good luck! I had gallbladder disease for more than a year and had to go doctor shopping for someone who wouldn’t just tell me I was depressed and it was all in my head. It took me way longer to recover than the nurse’s 80 year old grandmother, apparently, but once I did I felt a million times better. Except for a lot of random urgent pooping. And not being able to have gluten any more. Or too many fried foods. But really, yay!! Seriously, you will feel better.

  322. I was in your position with severe gallbladder pain, but they would not do surgery unless I had gallstones, which I didn’t. I started seeing a acupuncturist to relieve the pain. Whatever they did, combined with a healthier low-fat diet, actually healed the gallbladder. Within six months, I was out of pain, not having gastric issues, and able to eat fairly normally as long as I saw my acupuncturist regularly. 2 years later, you wouldn’t know that I ever had a problem with it, and I haven’t even been to the acupuncturist for a maintenance visit for 4 months.

    After my experience with it, I could not recommend acupuncture highly enough. If your insurance won’t cover it, look for a “community style” practice where they charge much less. Mine charges as little as $15 per visit. Also, if you do yoga poses that stretch the sides and hips in between visits, that helps to stimulate the same meridians that the acupuncture does.

    Good luck!

  323. I started having gall bladder attacks at 22 years old. After a dozen ER visits, I couldn’t convince a doctor that it was my gall bladder. (Nevermind that every other woman in my family had had HER gallbladder out by the age of 25.) I was told that I was too thin and young to have gall bladder problems and that it was all in my head. They thought I was a junky looking for pain meds. In fact, the first time I was referred to a surgeon, he refused to do any tests. He just referred me to a psychiatrist, because he decided I was a hypochondriac. “It’s all in your head,” he said. Dumb doctor didn’t even know that gall bladders are in your abdomen, not your head. 30 lbs underweight and over a year later, a surgeon finally took pity on me and removed my gall bladder. I asked him what he was going to do with it after he removed it. He chuckled, “Want to keep it for a souvenir, huh?” No. I want you to send it to that bastard surgeon who told me I was crazy. Put a bow on it.

  324. I had mine out a couple of years ago after it tricked me into thinking I was having a massive coronary. Next to my partial hysterectomy it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. It’s a painful recovery, so take it easy. Get well soon, I know you will. You won’t regret this, I promise.

  325. I promise the surgery and recovery are a breeze compared to the attacks!

  327. Two weeks before my college graduation, my gallbladder up and quit. It just died. No stones, no previous problems, it was just like “F$#% this. You work too hard. I’m out.” It started by feeling like I had thrown my neck and shoulders out symmetrically, which was a real possibility as I was rehearsing a fight scene where I had my throat slashed by a rapier at the end and whipped my head back a lot. Then the next morning it spread to a horrible pinching near my thyroid, so then I though my bad family thyroid lot had come up. By the end of that day it hurt to lay down and breathe and I was throwing up blood. The ER doctors thought I had fluid around my heart until a male nurse came in and poked my stomach and went “does that hurt” and diagnosed me. I was in surgery by 6a and in the hospital all weekend on a liquid diet because the doctor forgot to tell them to put me back on solids. Also they bruised my lung when they intubated.

    Now I have four little scars in a right triangle (the corners and one on the hypotenuse) and no gallbladder. All that’s really changed is sometimes my bile duct swells and cramps before my period and I don’t digest corn. So my suggestion is that after the sucker comes out, don’t go chow down on a feast of corn until you know if it’s going to hurt you. Corn makes me hurt when I eat it. It sucks. I miss it.

    Oh, but cornbread is fine because someone already ground that corn up for me.

  328. Um. I’m 48 and I’ve never known anyone who had their gallbladder out. How come so many of your readers (commenters at least) have serious gallbladder problems? Strange isn’t it? Good luck to you and I hope you lose the pesky organ soon (Ha. Organ.)

  329. I just hope you get your gallbladder out soon (and not through your rectum)! Those attacks are so painful!

  330. I feel for you. In 6 months I took 5 trips via ambulance to ER. The last trip I went postal on the staff & demanded the sludge filled gallbladder be ripped out. The next afternoon it was taken out & 24 hours later I was home without the little bastard causing pain. Laproscopic Surgery & the half inch scars fade in under 6 months. The $5,000 on all the ambulance charges could have been used for actually living pain free. Take a crazy assed stand for your body & wallet.

  331. Good luck and best wishes to you! Sending good vibes for a speedy recovery. Also, I hope they spare your rectum. Gallbladders can be dick-holes but your rectum is your friend. At least mine is. And by that, I mean my rectum is my friend, not your friend, because that would be a little weird. Though I suppose it could be if you wanted it to? Also, I my rectum isn’t really my friend. We don’t chat or shoot the shit (no pun intended) or anything. I don’t know.
    I need to go lie down.

  332. make sure you get yourself a teddy bear. I had mine out and i would put the bear on my lap and buckle the seat belt over it so it didn’t put pressure or rub my incisions. Plus if you hug it when you laugh or cough, it doesn’t hurt so much. And it’s cuddly and nice to be able to carry around as a grown up sometimes. They kept sending me home from the er saying I had heartburn until an on call surgeon took a better look. turns out it was ready to burst any day! The doctors I had seen before just assumed I was after pain medication because of my age (I was 24) I’m glad you’re going to see a surgeon!

  333. Geez, Jenny “best first name ever”!! You’re so NOT allowed to die. Don’t even consider it. Fingers and toes crossed for you from Phoenix :).

  335. My first doctor misdiagnosed me, never did a scan or ANYTHING. Once I moved to NY my new dr. did a scan and he saw “a row of pretty pearls” gall stones” so he did take the gall bladder out laparocopy ey. you know what I mean. never had pain there again. what the heck is holding them back? Jenny, you’re the boss, just tell them to do it or you’ll publish is name 🙂

  337. Oh, and a nice heat pack for your shoulders after surgery for the referred pain; laparoscopy is great but some parts of it suck. The pressure on your diaphragm as the CO2 is absorbed into your bloodstream makes your shoulders hurt. Weird but true. I had a buckwheat hull neck pillow that I kept nuking in the microwave for about 3 days post laparoscopy. The toasty warmth really helps ease the shoulder pain.

    That’s assuming they take it out laparoscopically. Also, the teddy bear idea sounds like it would help a LOT. I just drove around holding my belly for about a week.

    P.S. – No, I still have my gall bladder. I’m short an ovary, fallopian tube, and cantaloup-sized ovarian tumor. Yea!

  338. Oh man gallbladder pain is the worst! especially if you have panic disorder, Seriously I have gone into the at LEAST every six months for ten years with horrible pain in my chest and back, “Oh it’s just a panic attack” FInally two years ago I was talking to a friend ‘coz the pain was so bad and she’s like “GO to the er, tell them it’s yer gall bladder” got tests done and had to stay in the hospital for like 3 days.

  341. I just had surgery myself. I should’ve known better than to start reading your blog again before I was fully recovered. I hurt myself laughing. San Antonio Colon and Rectal Center…. Bahahahahhahahhahhaha! Good stuff.

  343. Seems the typical sentiment amongst your followers is sympathy. Not me. It was an appendix that almost took my life. A gallbladder has a daily job and yours put in a lifetime (albeit short) of duty. My appendix (super rupture) lived in me like the unappreciative, lazy, mystery organ that it is (was). I got even. Well my doctor did– diced it up into schnauzer kibble. I digress. I really just wanted to use this forum to bitch about the weeks long hospital stay when I lived on puddin’ and antibiotics. Gallbladder bomb tops appendix suicide like paper covers rock.

  344. I hope you get the surgery, mostly so you’ll feel better, but partly bceause I hope Victor gives you your phone while your still dopey from pain meds. Those are gonna be some good tweets.
    Seriously Hope you feel better soon sweetie.
    Lots of soft hugs and chocolate

  345. I had my gall bladder out last summer after having gall bladder disease misdiagnosed as a defect that caused my ribs to float out of joint 10 years earlier. I am kinda surprised mine didn’t explode! It’s so nice once it’s out! Feel better!

  346. Good luck with that- I had mine taken out four years ago and it is still haunting me- it comes back and stabs me just for the hell of it every couple of weeks because gall bladders are the DEVIL! Oh, and by the way, they blow you up with air to do the surgery, and the air is supposed to go away, but mind didn’t and I looked like I was seven months pregnant for about three weeks. Delightful surgery, super fun! The drugs are good though, make sure you get the refills!!

  347. Ugh, gall bladder attack is the worst! Don’t worry though, they just suck it out with the hoovermatic and you’ll be fine in a couple of days. Word of warning though, removal of the gall bladder usually has some unfortunate effects on the bowels. You might want to have some astronaut diapers on hand for long car trips.

  348. Shit, you are the SECOND person I care about to have this happen yesterday. Gallbladders are assholes. Wait, that’s not right…

    Anyway, I hope you feel better.

  349. Yeah, get it out. It doesn’t like it in there anyway. LOL, Though adjusting the diet afterwards is occasionally difficult. Think of the pain meds and hope of wonderful things.

  350. The only thing worse than the gallbladder attack itself is the pain of the gas they pump into your belly during the laproscopic surgery. No one tells you about this! Good news is the gas eventually dissipates (joy!) and life settles into post-gallbladder bliss.

    Good luck, God bless and enjoy the versed pushed prior to surgery–all 5 seconds that you actually remember!

  351. You’re way too alive to die. Although having your GB removed through your rectum sounds… interesting, I know lots of people who have had it removed laparoscopically and boom- were out of the hospital faster than you can say, I can eat butter again and it won’t kill me. Break a leg!

  352. You may be in pain but I see fabulous lip color on you. 😀 Good luck with everything today. I am sure they will take great care of you. 😀

  353. Ask your surgeon if you can keep some of the stones.

    Some of mine were the size of peanut M & M’s; and when my husband is being a dick, I pull out the jar and give them a disgruntled shake.

    Also, be ready for explosive shits for a while post-surgery. But it’s better than the agonizing pain of gallstones.

  354. When asked, your pain is always a 10+. Enjoy the drugs, but not for long….because wine!

  355. yup. been there, done that, should have a t-shirt for it. my first message from my gallbladder was “oh god i’m having a heart attack”… the next message was “let’s throw up everything”. I made my dr see me.. they tend to sluff you off into an instacare here. my white blood cells were so high the lab was amazed. unfortunately I had pancreatitis. i spent 4 days in hospital, no food or water by mouth, boy did I suck on the spongy things for dry mouth and then i cheated and sucked water off my toothbrush. i had surgery on a wed, and they tried the lap stuff..no go, so i have a bulgy scar on my belly (well, everything on my belly bulges) and the little scars where the tried, released on thur, and went to my daughter’s college graduation on sat. of course i was hunched over and dragging my drains with me but i felt so much better.

    you look great in your sick person outfit. my hospital gown had little blue thingies on it and their name..like a would steal a hospital gown. i know you will do great and feel a whole lot better. take care of yourself, you are important to a whole lot of people!

  356. Take it easy with the spork–I don’t think insurance covers that. Just like they don’t cover ice picks to treat chronic acute sinus pain or the medicine that would actually, you know, treat the problem. Sometimes I wonder why I pay this crap.

  359. When I had my gallbladder removed (HALLEFREAKINLUJAH), the doctors sucked it out through my bellybutton. I am simultaneously fascinated by and horribly grossed out by this information. (Note: Do not ask questions when you are waking up from anesthesia. You will never forget the answers. NEVVVVVVER.)

  361. I hadmine out last summer after McDonalds tried to kill me through the use of my gall bladder. I work with my surgeon, and we take care of gall bladder cases every day so I though “no problem” we’ll a year later and I frequently will yell over at the surgeon when he’s on the floor “hey I want to be the first gall bladder transplant recipient” being with out pain is nice, but I would love to be able to eat and retain the food.

  362. Oh Jenny…

    Gall Bladders are fucking assholes, and I hope you get yours out toot sweet. Had mine sucked out in ’97, but lucky me, that led to the worst GERD in the universe!! Prilosec is my best friend. Simple laparoscopic procedure, but your stomach muscles will hurt so bad you’ll learn to jelly yourself out of bed for three days or so. You rock your awesome self even in a hospital gown…

  363. My gallbladder tried to kill me once about 14 years ago! I spent 8 hrs in E.R. only to be told I had hepatitis (wrong!) and should see my family doctor.

    My doctor took one look at me and called the E.R. doc an idiot since I hadn’t turned. It was damn gall-stones. But I got those little pricks but good. I saw a specialist 3 months after the first attack, who scheduled my operation for 1 month later. It also helped that the gallbladder played nice and allowed itself to be pulled out through my belly button. 1 week of bed-rest and I was good to go.

    God bless Canadian health care … lol!

  364. I had mine out 3 weeks post childbirth at age 31 because my son killed it on his way out, apparently.
    Giving birth was fresh in my mind, so I say this with some authority – I would have a baby every single day for a month before ever having another gallbladder attack. There is no pain like it. It is especially sneaky because one minute you’re dying, and then when its over it just disappears. It makes you feel a little nutty too, like you somehow imagined that moments-ago agony. Best decision ever, to get it out. Best of luck!

  365. Oh, the only side effect I’ve had, since surgery, is that on those really shitty (HA!) occasions when I do get diarrhea, I can’t take Imodium or any other med like it, or I get a phantom gallbladder attack. It’s like that fucker just crawled right back in there and is hell bent on revenge.

    This might just be me…like EEEEEVERYTHING else.

  366. Gallbladders are such douches.

    When mine decided to cease function 8 years ago, I asked my doctor for a scalpel, some Valium, and an abdominal surgery textbook. Surprisingly, he actually paused for a minute to consider the request before saying “no”.

  367. If you do get your gallbladder out, I would like to suggest you have it preserved in a jar. I am desperately hoping to win the lottery so I can buy your appendix. [Anyone confused by this statement should visit the advertiser page.] Right now appendix is out of my league but price your other organs right and who knows? Ka-ching!

  368. Oh ouch!! I feel your pain! My gallbladder was half solidified and took twice as long to take out than it should have but boy did it feel better when it was gone. Except for the drainage tubes coming out…beware the drainage tubes (shudder). Make sure they get those suckers all the way out on the first try. I’m not a violent person but I would have laid those nurses out if they had to try it twice!! LOL

  369. Hope you’re feeling we’ll soon. When my gall bladder got obstructed it was over Thanksgiving weekend when the family was all together. I kept telling everyone I didnt feel well and just wanted to lay down. They insisted I do things like eat and play dominoes. After awhile, I hurt so bad I told family members EXACTLY what I thought of them when they pissed me off, which pretty much was when they dared look at me. One cousin and I didn’t speak for two years after that. And when they came to see me in the hospital, almost every one of them said something along the lines of “so I guess you really DID feel bad.” Moral of the story, until the gall bladder is out, surround yourself with assholes that you won’t miss if you don’t talk to them for two years.

  370. Had mine out last year and AS SOON as I woke up from the surgery I was feeling SO GOOD. And it wasn’t just the great pain meds, ha 🙂 The soreness from the surgery is nothing compared to the pain of the attacks. You’ll be great and so happy it’s gone.

  371. I feel your pain. Been there. It took them three years to yank mine out! I didn’t have stones so they couldn’t figure out why it hurt so much until they ran some dye through my body and found out my gallbladder wasn’t working at all. No bile being released into my stomach so much pain!

    I hope your surgeon is really on the ball and gets this out quickly! On the plus side, I woke up in no pain at all and only minor discomfort afterwards. I even went to a family bbq a couple of days later! The most pain I had was from them having to put gas into my abdominal cavity to give them room to work. The gas works it way up your chest and out your right shoulder area. Seriously, it’s painful and I thought I was dying when it happened but they told me it was normal and it went away in a few hours. Whew. That sucked. But everything else was all good. Tiny scar in the middle of my stomach area, right under the boobs, one in my belly button and I think I have one on my right side where the gallbladder is located too. But they are tiny!

  372. Do not under any circumstances get a gallstone caught in your common bile duct.
    My father gave me this advice after my first gall bladder attack–I did not listen. It was unpleasant. Learn from my mistake. Please.
    Be well. Gall bladder problems suck. Get rid of the damn thing!!@$$!

  373. I’m glad they’re taking care of it. Also glad they’re not trying to yank it out through your ass. Hoping for a quick recovery!

  376. Ugh, my sincerest sympathies to you. I just had mine removed in April and I could lie but where is the fun in that…I am still experiencing side effects of that surgery. No fun at all 🙁

    Hope you get to feeling better soon! Hugs!

  377. Have the surgery and never look back. I had a gallbladder that I suffered with for 10 years. It almost killed me – passed out at the ER – emergency surgery – huge stones, gallbladder attached to the liver, 2 hr surgery turned into 6 – drainage tubes – oh lord the grenade they sent me home with – it sucks ass. Can’t believe my now-husband stayed with me through that!!

    But once you get through recovery you won’t miss that thing at all.

    I wish you luck and speedy recovery!

  378. I would highly recommend against carving your gallbladder out with a spork… Make Victor do it instead. Your hand won’t be steady enough. THIS is what marriage is about.

  379. Oh, no fun a’tall. My gallbladder herniated 22 years ago, in the early days of laparoscopy. I do remember the months leading up to the discovery- pulling my nightshirt off off OFF, because *anything* touching my stomach was bad news. Standing against the wall in the middle of the night shaking with pain for hours, stock still, as that position was ever so infinitesimally less painful, and I’d take any relief. Rooting for you as you go through your own journey of gallbladder joy. Once a gallbladder goes evil on you, it’s much better exorcised.

  380. to save you the indecision of which shoes goes best with gallbladder explosions, may i suggest the ’emerging from a petrified swamp after an apocalypse’ look, as modeled here: http://ow.ly/mBkxe

  381. Here’s to inefficiency in murder and murder-related scenarios. Hopefully your doctor is more efficient. At murder. ing your gall bladder. Obvi. Also, hopefully he is THE Doctor. Ideally Ten. Then all this suffering of ouchies and almost murder by basically unnecessary organs will have been totally worth it.

  382. You will be sooooo happy when that thing is gone. I do not regret having my gallbladder out, not one bit. And all the diets and whatnot people recommended only prolonged the pain while I waited to see if they were going to work or not. Hang in there, this is one pain we can easily get rid of!

  384. A friend of mine waited (because she thought the pain was “just a backache”) until she literally (and I mean that literally) turned YELLOW because of the bile backing up.

    But once it was out, she did much better. And she has a scar she’s pleased to tell people was caused by “shark attack.” So hopefully you’ll have a conversation starter.

  385. Ok, listen Jenny: I had mine out 15 years ago, so I hope things have changed. If not: BE WARNED! So they can do the surgery lapriscopically (I don’t know how to spell that!) where the incisions are small and recovery is quick and everything is hunky dory. EXCEPT! They take the actual gallbladder out through your belly button. You don’t see that incision cuz it is all inside, but when they sewed it up they made my belly button half its original depth. Like…..I couldn’t even get a decent ball of lint stuck in that thing. It was very traumatic and I am still dealing with the tragic loss of belly button storage space, and besides: we all know how judgy people can be of the size of other people’s belly buttons. Even though you couldn’t see it. Or feel it. Or……anything. BUT IT WAS A BIG DEAL!
    PROTECT THE BELLY BUTTON!