Wish you were here. Literally. Because I would probably trade places with you right now.

(I wrote this before my surgery but I forgot to publish it before I went under, and then drugs happened.  Sorry.  I suck at timelines.)

This isn’t a real post.  It’s just a small recap of what’s been going on behind-the-scenes lately.

We moved a few months ago, continuing our pattern of buying a house, fixing it and then putting it up for sale about 15 minutes before it actually feels like home.  When Victor decided we should move again I told him that this house will be the last one because I wasn’t moving again unless it was in a coffin.  Then he waited until I was out of town and bought an old (but very sweet) house that needed massive repairs, had lots of issues, and could probably kill us.  In short, he bought the “me” of houses.

When we moved we all three decided on the one thing we each wanted in “the perfect house.”

Victor wanted something safer in a gated community because I had a bit of a stalker problem last year (Please don’t stalk me.  I’m very boring in real life, I assure you.)  I wanted a smaller yard with big trees and a lush lawn.  Hailey wanted a pool.

The week we moved in to our new gated community a man rammed the front gate and had a full shoot-out with the local police department.  Luckily for him, the police have extremely bad aim and arrested him.  The gunman in question lives on our street.  We have succeeded in locking the crazies in with us. Also, we got a flier from the homeowners association that there’s a neighborhood mountain lion on the loose that’s eating puppies.  (Not a joke, although it sounds like it should be.)  And I just assume the sewers are filled with panthers.

Three weeks later I watched as a man ardently sprayed what I thought was ant-killer all over our green lawn.  He was ardently spraying plant poison.  He had the the wrong address and was supposed to be destroying the yard on the next street so they could put in different grass.  He did an excellent job.  We are now dirt farmers and the harvest is plentiful.

The view from my door. I'm sure our neighbors are very pleased that we've moved in.

Last week I decided to just take a break from all the insanity of busted pipes and roof replacements and angry mountain lions and simply relax in the pool.

Wish you were here.

Someone bring me a damn pina-colada.

PS. Everything will resolve itself eventually and in another few months I will either have some fabulous stories, some very pretty “after” pictures. or possibly a nervous breakdown.  Maybe all three.  Why limit myself?

PPS.  My home-health nurse came today and says all my vitals are good and that I should be healthy enough to have my surgery tubes removed on Wednesday.  If this surgical shit goes as well as the remodeling has gone then I suspect I will be filled with dead possums and missing several important appendages by Thursday.

322 thoughts on “Wish you were here. Literally. Because I would probably trade places with you right now.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I think you just found both the cover art and the title of your next book.
    “Someone bring me a damn pina-colada!”

  2. OMG! Honestly this is the perfect neighborhood! Get all the crap out right away and it will be perfect! 🙂

    I hope you heal quickly and NO you don’t suck. And I will not stalk you because you asked so nicely. 😉 I’m nice that way.

  3. Damn, it’s really hot here. Wish I had a pool like that. Then I could… um… well… Never mind. I’ll just stay in my air conditioning and look at my grass that hasn’t been poisoned. And thanks to you, I’ll probably also check for toilet snakes before I sit down the next time…

  4. Oh, my. Your new house sounds like a really interesting place…. wasn’t there an old Chinese curse about interesting times? Still, once that pool gets finished I’ll bet it’s going to be amazing!

  5. THAT’S the cover of your next book. also, i hope things get better quickly. 🙂

  6. We’ve spent ALL DAY waiting for a CenturyLink tech to show up for an appointment set “between 9AM and 1 PM). It’s now 5pm, the tech emailed that no one was home 3 hours after the appointment time, and Customer Service Central can’t find his lying ass.

    Move over sister, that pool’s lookin’ mighty good about now.

  7. I always suspected Victor was a sadist. Now I have proof. Who the hell wants to move if they don’t absolutely have to???
    I was just thinking about you earlier. I went to the eye doctor because suddenly the vision in my right eye became…not good. He had to dilate my pupils. I felt like I had ginormous eyes that were flashing and I know everyone was looking at me. That made me think of you for some reason.
    Getting the tubes out is a good sign. You are moving in the right direction, recovery wise. Keep it up.
    Don’t let Victor pick your next house. Let me.

  8. The pic of you in the pool is wonderful and *would* make a great book cover photo. Even when you are feeling badly, you make me laugh out loud!! Sending you positive healing vibes!! <3

  9. This makes me glad that the only thing I’ve ever seen in the part of Texas where my sister lives is a single fox, running all nimbly-nimbly like across the top of her fence. She said I was crazy but I KNOW WHAT I SAW! Anyway, glad you’re doing better and I hope you have a speedy recovery!

  10. Thank you for this. My husband and I own what I can only (sometimes) affectionately refer to as a “money pit.” It’s needed a lot of work (we’re still not there yet and its been 8 years), and I’m not sure that, given the opportunity for time travel, I wouldn’t go back and purchase any other home in any other location…but, at the end of the day, it has become our home. So, I feel your pain, and, yes, you will definitely have all 3 (fabulous stories, pretty “after” pics, and a nervous breakdown) – I know I did. At least you could sort of relax in your pool…the one we inherited with this house had a torn liner that was full of pond-scummy water and snakes. Awesome. But, we didn’t have a mountain lion roaming around, so there’s that. 🙂 Now, go drink a pina-colada…or several. 🙂

  11. At least with the pool like that you still have the option of just once filling it with jell-o.
    And the lawn? Serengeti grasses! You just need a few antelope lawn ornaments. Maybe a lion munching a fresh kill. It’ll be FABULOUS.

  12. The thing that keeps us going on home repairs is a different Chinese* proverb: “When your house is finished, you’re finished.”

    *Or Bob Vila. I forget which.

  13. Now THAT is a glamour shot ! You should use it somehow….book cover, starting scene in a movie…SOMEhow !

  14. Well…at least this is a past post….right?? Hope things have improved. And if they haven’t I sure hope you wrote about it because you’re funny.

  15. I used to want to move. But I love our house so much that I wouldn’t want to leave it. I could see how a stalker might change my mind, though. Ew.

    I love your pool.

  16. I love you and you made me laugh out loud with the pool picture! Get well soon!

  17. Yay for getting your tubes out. Sorry it is so hectic at your place. Is the company that poisoned the lawn going to replace it at least?

  18. Does Victor not understand that with a pool comes a cabana boy? Get better asap, we need more of you 🙂

  19. I’m glad I’m not the only one that thought the pool looks like a dick.

  20. That post is even funnier if read whilst humming the ‘Benny Hill’ theme tune…! >.<
    I bet your life story would make a great book.

    Oh, wait…

  21. I love you too much to stalk you. Or poison your lawn. Or take on the gatehouse security guards in a gun battle. Or sic mountain lions on you. I think if my husband told me he bought a house without me, I would ask him whether he planned on visiting on the weekends. I hope you are doing well post surgery. I have a horrible gallbladder removal experience, so I really know what that’s like. Is that a sac of bile or are you just happy to see me? 😉 Enjoy that pool!

  22. I’m glad you’re recovering now.

    I am sorry to say that I laughed at your new house stories. I can’t wait to see the after pictures and I hope it gets less crazy feeling. *hugs*

  23. Oh, Victor totally picked the right house. You may have a new mortgage, but you have no grass to mow & no high water bills from filling pools. Plus, your waterless pool looks kind of like a mushroom from above. That’s got to be a good sign.

  24. I don’t think that you have to be interesting to have a stalker. I’ve had two and I’m boring as hell. Although at least mine were exes, so it probably says more about my poor taste in men when I was younger than anything else.

    I’m glad that you got your stalker taken care of anyway – that’s some seriously scary stuff.

  25. It’s like your life WANTS you to write another book! Otherwise, why would it provide such copious and ridiculous material?

  26. So, I think you’re due for free lawn care for life from the grass killing company. I love your pool. I’d come by with a Pina Colada but the guy at the gate won’t let me in.

  27. i agree with the first comment! Your next book & cover shot is right here!

    Pina Colada’s sound fabulous right now.. it’s 94 degrees here in Maine. yes, i said Maine. Don’t get me wrong, i love warmer temps..but my comfort zone is 75-80 with a steady breeze.

    I can’t wait to read your stories. You always seem to make your life sound fabulous.. crazy is the new awesome ^_^ take care and get well soon!

  28. The mountain lion could get tired of puppies and just eat the gunman, you can build walls around your dead grass, fill it with water, and ta-da! Instant moat.

  29. Okay, I am now scared to move….

    It he picture of you in your pool is gorgeous. There’s something truly beautiful about its ruined state. You need to frame that. Tottally fab!

  30. So when is Hailey’s book coming out? 😉 Glad to hear your guts are healing nicely 🙂

  31. I love that photo of you lying in the pool almost as much as I love Hunter S. Tomcat.

    Also: remember that scene in “The World According to Garp” when they’re looking at a new house and a plane crashes into it and Garp says “We’ll take it!” because the odds of that happening again are practically ZERO? Your new place is virtually guaranteed to never have another shoot-out or puppy-eating mountain lion or accidental herbicide-spraying incident EVER AGAIN! How cool is that?!

    And as long as I’m on a roll, I may as well take this moment to say: Since (re-)reading your book and your blog, I’ve developed this strange new habit. Now, when something particularly outrageous and/or annoying happens, I find myself saying, “THE FUCK, VICTOR?”–and I don’t even know anyone named Victor.

  32. Wow, that picture is amazing. The decay and rubble, with the green trees, the overbloomed sunlight flare, and your pose is just perfect.

    That could and should be framed.

    I love it.

  33. Look at it this way… you’ll have another really nice, freshly sodded lawn when your neighbor pays for it, as I’m sure Victor will make sure he does.

  34. All the other stuff aside that picture is amazing. I would buy a print just to hang on my wall. We are trying to buy a house too, though it will be our first, I will make sure to Google the neighborhood and make sure we get our fair share of crazies.

    **Feel better soon**

  35. I’ve lived in my shit hole of a house for almost 15 years and am still working on it. Between being poor most of that time and also lazy, things just never got done. We will make it pretty just about the time we move and start on the next one. On the bright side, I don’t have much else in life to complain about so it’s all good.

  36. Victor picked a house that may kill you all, and he thinks you’re crazy?

    Did you get the name/number of the guy who killed your lawn so that they can replace it for you without charge?

    You look so relaxed in your new pool. I bet it will be even better when it has water in it! And I agree: it would make a great book cover!

  37. I agree the picture is book cover perfect!
    Glad to hear you are recovering apace.

  38. It could be worse. Yesterday, some poor girl was attacked by the roving gangs of wild turkeys up here. Apparently, violent turkey gangs are a thing up in Boston.

    PS: Wishing you a speedy and less painful recovery!

  39. I hope you feel better! Also, I hope the puppy eating stops. THE PUPPY EATING MUST END!!!



  40. Personally, I think the community just knew you were coming, and scheduled a fitting welcome for you. I mean, a show-down with the police? Mountain lion on the loose? Killing the wrong lawn? Clearly, they’re just trying to make it into your next book. 😉

  41. You clearly posted this before Sharknado. If there were panthers in the sewers, the sharks ate them!

  42. Moving is a nightmare. Especially when one struggles with depression and anxiety. Hell, I even find cleaning a single room to be a nightmare. But I’m sure you’ll feel settled in before you know it.

    I had somebody try to break in while I was at home. Needless to say it provided plenty of “material” for my panic attacks. If I had the money to, I’d leave the country.

    At the end of the day we need to feel comfortable and safe wherever we decide to settle. Here’s wishing you and your family many happy memories in your new home

  43. Wow, it is impressive even on a Bloggess level.

    First of all, I’m sorry about the stalker issues. That isn’t right, it is really scary, and I’m sorry you had that happen.

    The pool looks amazing even in that stage. It is going to be awesome.

    I think we should start a pool on the possum thing because I’m betting you can get a possum AS an appendage which could be really handy at buffets and pot lucks.

  44. You have a pretty neighborhood. Moving makes me feel adventurous and that the world seems to be smaller, but in reality, it’s exhausting as hell.

    Get well soon! <3

  45. Holy crap, I thought my life was bad. Except I’m single, have a stalker & his Bible thumping family on my ass daily & dealing with multiple sclerosis, degenerative spine & joints, & several other illnesses without cures. You just seem to be stepping in the shit piles at every turn. Take a long vacation as soon as the tubes & health permits. Literally, flee the country to a place you’ve always dreamed of.

  46. I think this post should be titled, “I forgot to post this, because drugs.”

  47. Looks kind of like excavations at Pompeii. Except you’re alive, not, you know, fossilized by hot ashes. Stay alive, okay, that’s important. And lying in the pool, such as it is (are you sure it’s not a mountain lion den? Do mountain lions even live in dens?), is apparently safer than lying in your grass. Or by the front gate.

  48. well, I’m going to hopefully be in Texas this next spring, but it’s a big state, and i won’t have time to find you, so I promise, unless you happen to for whatever reason be at the convention in Denton at the same time, I won’t even try and stalk you. (I’d be a terrible stalker anyway, I am so clumsy I would probably fall out of a tree or pick the bushes with the ant nest or wasp nest to hide in)

  49. Can I stalk you long enough to bring you a pina colada?
    Actually, I promise not to, mostlybecause I’m broke and can’t afford to be a stalker, but also partly because your neighborhood now terrifies me.

  50. wish your crappy summer and my crappy summer could get together and comiserate. imake a mean pina colada. or sangria. or bloody ceasar, i am Canadian after all.
    for the record, my pool as actual water in it, so if you fancy a visit to Canada….

  51. At least you can relax in your pool. Our pool died but still had water in the deep end. Two years ago I got tired of cleaning the gold fish tank and tossed the two survivors of our “20 feeder fish for $2 ” purchased for daughters horse water tank (don’t ask) down in the green murk. A year later we had 50 goldfish, two turtles (one painted, one snapper) and a dozen frogs. A damned habitat. Turtles and frogs all volunteers. Did the poor turtles just go out for a stroll one day and walk off the edge of the earth? They aren’t talking. I do throw food out daily, but I don’t clean the damn thing! Best of luck with your recovery, but remember, what does not kill us gives us good blog posts.

  52. Lucky for me there haven’t been any reports of mountain lions creeping around my neighborhood in North Texas. Although there was that one time where numerous people described Big Foot’s brother scaling up the fucking water tower in town. Even better? There’s giant claw marks on the tower that no one can explain. Awesome. Sorry about all the problems you’ve been having but think of it this way, if something wasn’t going horribly awry you’d probably think something was wrong and then you’d be looking over your shoulder all of the time expecting Beyonce to come alive or something. Pina-coladas? What you need is a top shelf margarita! Or maybe just tequila. Hugs, get better soon!

  53. OMG I hope the grass killers are going to fix your lawn for you!!

    Also, I completely agree that this needs to be the cover of your next book. I would buy the hell out of that book.

  54. The landscaper must have gone to the Forclosure School of Address Reading (Motto: Why doublecheck something that will negatively effect a family when you can ignore it altogether and be the first one for Happy Hour. (which by law begins at noon in Texas))

  55. How may boner jokes have y’all already cracked about your bone-shaped pool? Hope you fell well soon!

  56. I agree with everyone that the grass-killing company owes you a new yard!

    Maybe one of the possums isn’t dead, and would like to play…or at least it will give your Dad something to do!

  57. That will be one hell of a pool when it’s done. If it gets done. Assuming you don’t just give up on it and fill it with wild dead animals. Speaking of which, you should totally install a fountain of some animal peeing in the pool. They’re all the rage I hear.

  58. I appreciate how you were each able to curse your own selves. I’m sure there’s some deep meaning in there, someplace. I don’t know where and I’m scared to go looking, but I have no doubt it’s there.

  59. Uh, does it not look like there are some kind of heavenly rays shining down on you in the pool?

    But, they’re red….

    Does that mean what I think it means?

    I think you may need to call the Winchester brothers A.S.A.P.

  60. Oh, honey. I’m so sorry about all of those mishaps. However, you look really good in that pool. It will now officially be my favorite pic of you because it makes me laugh and yet also somehow calms me. XXOO.

  61. A shoot out AND mountain lions? It sounds like Victor moved you to that neighborhood just to make sure your blog never runs out of material.

  62. “We have succeeded in locking the crazies in with us.”

    To be fair, your husband kinda does that every night when the doors get locked and you all go to bed.


  63. Love your blog. I was accused of writing your book under a pen name. Another Lawson from Texas.

  64. Wow the new house looks like it has amazing potential. Hope you recover from the surgery well and are back to your crazy awesome self soon

  65. I TOTALLY AGREE with CeeJayVA!

    “I think you just found both the cover art and the title of your next book.
    “Someone bring me a damn pina-colada!””

  66. First, I swear that I only stalk online and only on your blog, so I guess it’s not really stalking if I’m reading stuff you put out there for the world, right? I hope so. 🙂

    I hope that you get your tubes out without any further craziness. Hopefully the house will end up with lots of fun stories (like the one I have of my dad and a family friend ripping the roof off our house and then getting two feet of snow. We lived in SW OK, not big snow country) and yet still have lots of fabulous after pics to share!!

  67. Having drainage tubes removed is its own special hell, but it’s also over very quickly and they give you Xanax afterward (at least that’s my experience). I never did figure out why they didn’t give me the Xanax first.

  68. On the bright side the picture of you in the pool is fantastic! Who would’ve thought modeling in an empty pool could work?! Hope you feel better soon xoxo

  69. Trust me enough to know you WOULD NOT trade places with me. We moved from Ohio to Kansas. We built a beautiful new house which took forever due to permits. We moved in the new house and bought new furniture and a new washing machine. That machine was defective and flooded my house 7 hours after I finished moving in. Ruined the main floor and the finished basement. That was in APRIL….it is not finished being repaired yet. I still do not have a kitchen, family room, bar, craft room, great room, or dining room. I live in this house with sub-contractors walking in and out at their free will. Forget locking the doors…it just pisses them off.
    The custom furniture that we ordered is splitting at the seams, and we have not even used it yet. I ordered all new blinds for the house. At least the windows I was covering…out of 15 windows….14 of the blinds are defective. They waited two month of me living with a yard that looks like yours right now. Dirt yards and large dogs…do not go well. I finally got sod just in time for the 100 plus degree days of Kansas.
    My son had a car accident the same day as the flood, because I was too tired to drive and get supper. $7000 damage on his new car…and my “kinda” daughter fell off a 100 ft cliff and survived…all in the same day. Seriously…she really did.
    Our neighbors didn’t welcome us to the neighborhood at all. Still have not…I am thinking a priest might be called for now. I am not Catholic and it still might be my only option on getting this house to quit trying to kill me.
    Still want to trade with me? My new mantra is this…”nobody died today….nobody died today…”
    If we don’t laugh…the house wins…..

  70. LOL, Why did I read this and immediately think that Victor picked the perfect house? That pic is freaking epic!

    Btw, any chance you could use that lawn guy as bait to catch the mountain lion?

  71. You have just made me extremely jealous and grateful that I don’t live there all at the same time. After all who wouldn’t want to live in the same neighborhood as a crazy gun toting gate killing neighbor but I draw the line at panther invested sewers.

  72. Is your pool penis shaped? Because that would be amazing!

  73. Wow, that’s a whole lot of crazy stuff even for Texas, isn’t it? j/k.

    I hope your recovery speeds up soon so you can tackle the next round of crazy stuff that’s going to happen to you.

    Thank you always for your writing and your humor. Take care.

  74. Not to alarm you or anything, but I think that’s the pool from Poltergeist. Has Victor checked for any undisclosed ancient burial grounds?

  75. I assume the ants were also killed in addition to the grass. In which case, you know, win-win, and at least you now have a low maintenance lawn that will look awesome at Halloween. I was going to comment that your pool looks like a bone, but I see that other people have already implied a bone-ish pool, both canine and phallic, so…. yeah.. THAT’S covered. Also, Beyonce needs to be bolted permanently to your diving board as, you know, an accent. I don’t think your neighbors would notice the grass after that.

  76. Oh Jenny, I’m so sorry. I just moved to a new apartment and I thought I would have a nervous breakdown. I can’t imagine moving an entire house, especially if it had to be renovated (and de-mountain lioned). On the bright side, I always loved the pics you took at your old house and I’m sure you’ll be to make this one just as nice.

    Wishing you a speedy, possum-free recovery.

  77. Thank you, in amounts that are impossible to communicate. While sitting surrounded by my moving stuff waiting for the packers to come and TOUCH ALL MY STUFF (I am going to need wine while they are here) your words distracted me for just long enough to make me forget we are moving. For the first time. Out of the country. Far away from what family I have left. From the only place I have ever known. And I am in my 30s. Now I must go get lost in my sea of boxes while chanting ” I love my husband, the girls need their daddy, I do not feel stabby, the military has GREAT benefits…sniffle sniffle”
    Thank you and good luck with your own situation, sincerely.

  78. I am dying. Only you, my dear. How your life blossoms with such brilliant tales of insane human behavior is beyond me. A shootout and a lawn killer all as soon as you move in? Picture perfect.

  79. Jenny, come to my pool. My husband plays cabana boy for me and my friends when we’re lounging by the sparkly cool stuff. Granted, it’s roughly the temperature of Hell on the pool deck this time of year (Phoenix – need I say more?). But the cool drinks delivered by my sweet, cute hubby do make it worthwhile. Also, my friends and I are good company. You’re welcome any time.

    Glad to hear you’re on the mend, btw.

  80. Oh, good golly. You look like a day-drinking Miss Havisham in that pool.

    Our yard construction (destruction?) starts next week. I’ll share my pictures so we can share the pain.

  81. That looks like a lot of work. I would just turn it into a ball pit and call it a day. Or fill it with jelly beans and have everyone guess how many are in there. Winner gets to take all the jelly beans home. Yaaaayyy!

  82. That is the coolest fucking pool EVER! It reminds me of The Tower of Terror at Disney World!

  83. OMG, moving sucks so much. To do that AND surgery AND puppy eating panthers, well, that’s just grounds for sainthood. All hail Saint Jenny!

  84. @CeeJayVa

    I agree with you on the cover, but use “Filled with dead possums and missing several important appendages” instead, as the title *grin*

  85. Ugh, moving sucks. Don’t feel bad, my dishwasher decided we needed to have a foam party tonight in the kitchen. I pray that the dishwasher has finally gotten all its partying out of its system.
    Bring the mountain lion to Northern Illinois. I’ve got a neighbor’s rooster it can feast upon.

  86. well they say keep your friends close and the crazies closer? and the pool looks gorgeous. relaxing? not so much. but, definitely gorgeous!

  87. I don’t want to stalk you… but i am completely convinced that we may in fact share a brain… in a good not homicidal i want your brain in a jar way … cause i like it not in a jar and in your head where it can say things i relate to and laugh heartily …. and i want to crochet clothing for your various taxidermied creatures…. all of which sounds like i am a creepy old lady stalker… freaking great… blocked from another forum…

  88. literally laughed out loud and nearly spit out a very delicous sip of my evening glass of “damn this was a long day” at that shot of you in the pool. wowzers, this is going to be one seriously awesome before/after project! we’ve done our share of buying (and living in) fixeruppers, but you’ve got us topped for sure. hope someone snagged you that pina-colada…cause that pool is going to be gorgeous when you are through with it!!

  89. I found myself resentful of the “better haves” recently. And although I know I don’t have it bad, as a horrible person, of course, I feel I deserve BETTER. Ridiculous!
    I hope you, Victor and Hailey have a wonderful life in your new digs. You actually DO deserve it. Enjoy!

  90. Jeebus! I love all you people. I wish we could all hang out at an all you can drink buffet. In a hotel so we could all go back to our rooms when we got overwhelmed with being social, but we could still see each other at brunch after we recovered. Someone start organizing this! A “weirdo introverts who embrace the absurd” weekend!

  91. First of all, I gave myself the willies imagining Victor was on the roof taking that shot. Then I imagined the conversation -shouted- and I got over my willies. And then I realized it was probably Maile, and I got the willies all over again.

    You all should see me on the Demon Drop.

    That photo is perfection.
    Here’s to cleared tubes & fast healing!

  92. As long as your house wasn’t built on an Indian burial ground, it’s ok. Right?

    Get to feeling better, soon.

  93. Moving situations like these are made for the saying “You have to laugh so that you don’t cry, and then drown yourself in rum” … I might have added that last part on myself.

  94. “Panthers In The Sewer” is the title of my next album.


  95. I hope you feel better soon. Don’t worry about the mountain lion. Once he sees Beyonce, he will know not to drop in without an invitation.

  96. I think you are paying a little bit too much of a price for fame and alleged fortune. Can’t you move somewhere anonymously? Like a different part of the country and change your name and your loved ones names? Or at least hire some protection, like real patrol officers that will PROTECT YOU? The crazy man was in the gated community? Anyone hear of a reference check? Now, I’m getting anxious for you. Ps what operation? Your tense friend, Laurie F.

  97. Long time listener (reader), first time caller (commenter) – I have been reading your work for a few years now, and I must say you are an absolute delight! It began with your mommy advice column, which I still recommend to new moms, and grew from there. So, a few things:

    1. Get Well Soon! Surgery sucks, but you are fabulous, so will be sending you lots of healing and happy vibes!
    2. I agree with above commenters – this should definitely be the title and cover of your next book! Brilliant!
    3. Welcome to the SAT. When I moved there years ago, I was surprised to find the very odd mix of pigeon-holed neighborhood (nice on one street, daily SWAT shoot-out one block over) mixed with the occasional visit from unexpected wildlife. It was almost like I had left West Texas and found myself in a slightly greener, lusher, larger version of … West Texas. Good luck!

  98. OMG your life seems like some shit that some demented person, like Stephen King, made up. LOVE IT.

    I know that gazillions of people already read your blog, but I have to share this. It’s just too awesome not to.

  99. Wow, I remember those stories… Don’t worry I won’t stalk you, I’m far too lazy & it’s way too hot outside. But nonetheless; welcome & if I do see you I just might be too nervous to say hi so… Hi!

  100. YOUR truth is stranger, funnier, and more interesting than most fiction.
    Remember that when more weirdness happens…

    Be well and free from tubes, shoot-outs. lawn poisoners, mountain lions, and too-empty pools in the Texas heat.

  101. That pool shot is SO Salinger/Nine Stories (or was it Franny & Zooey?). Except you’re alive, which is a good thing for all of us, although your gallbladder is probably still sulking at its failure. I think the giant chicken would have looked superb sitting in the hot tub beside you, but still an extremely well-done photo of Leibovitz quality. Uh, by the way – screw the mountain lion – rattlesnakes anyone? Don’t they dig rocks? I don’t want to alarm you, but it appears that rocks they are aplenty in the pool development zone. Couldn’t one even slither through that hole in your wall the nurse was so kind to point out for you? I hear Texas is full of snakes (no, that’s not a political commentary). Hope you’re back up and jumping in your pool and rolling in your grass soon!

  102. Thank you!! I thought I was the only one having issues with a new house.

  103. That is some deep shit you’re dealing with right now. I can’t imagine. Good grief. You’ve got my sympathy!

  104. you know, i looked at the pool picture, did not notice the “shape” just thought how fantastic the shot was, read all the comments, because you have clever commenters, looked at the picture again, and realized you have the rays of Jesus in your shot. one day when i was burning dinner and the kitchen had filled with smoke, my young son came in and said “look mom. it’s the rays of Jesus” the sunlight from the window was filtered from the smoke and indeed i had rays. i just wished Jesus had cooked dinner.

    glad to hear you are feeling better

  105. What is wrong with me that I think the pool looks like a dog biscuit.

    I’m sorry about your lawn.

    When I lived in Arizona, we had a mountain lion around for awhile. My advice is to stay near doors. So you can get back inside if you need to.

  106. If it helps at all, and something tells me it might, I think your pool looks like a dick and balls. A fat dick, yes, but trying not to judge.

  107. “We are now dirt farmers and the harvest is plentiful.” — I will be using that phrase from now on when my overly meddlesome neighbors ask me for the 876th time when I am going to instill the “landscaping that I must want” in front of my house.

  108. Can you imagine what this month would have been like WITHOUT the drugs you are currently taking?
    Thank you for this post! I spit soda all over the place when I scrolled down and saw you lying in your pool ~ hopefully this was taken B4 the tubes were put in, otherwise, I would imagine you yelling at Victor to help you lie down for the photo and he just shaking his head sayin, “It’s just not worth it Jen … you’ll get a pebble/rock/mountain lion stuck in your tummy tubes, now get the HELL out of the pool!”

  109. I too live in a gated community – and the nuts are inside not out. The little bit that they don’t tell you is that the gates are to keep the crazies from the rest of the world. Welcome to the dark side – it will only get worse with the neighbors. Oh, sorry I meant how wonderful it will be and you will LOVE it.

  110. Glad you’re doing well and you’re enjoying your new home. I also think your pool looks like a penis…and it’s awesome of your new neighborhood to give you plenty to write about.

  111. Completely without reading the comments, I thought to myself, “How cool is it that your pool is shaped like a dog treat bone?” I now see the two comments above me mention this, so it must be true. I suggest you get a large metal dog to place next to the pool-or you could just get new towels with dogs on them.

  112. That photo of you in the pool is a total win… or lose, one or the other 🙂 Best of luck with all that stuff!

  113. That pool shot is AMAZING.

    Also, you probably don’t need to worry about Mountain Lions. You have Beyoncè to keep you safe, after all (though you’ll perhaps be receiving a letter from the HOA about that? And the Tardis?)

  114. Wow, you are so incredible in your ability to make me laugh. You describe a horror story yet make it sound like some madcap adventure!
    Anyway, I hope your recovery goes well.

  115. First – hooray for getting the tubes out of your body.

    Second – that pool shot is so incredible I want a poster of it… seriously will you make us a poster?

    Third – I’m not really sure what to say about mountain lions eating puppies… except maybe that means they’re eating rattlesnakes too?

  116. The house is the Willie Wonka of houses.
    “Oh, you want a safe neighborhood, with a nice lawn and pool? NO SIR. You get NOTHING! I SAID GOOD DAY!”
    On the upside, you got my boyfriend to laugh. It’s incredibly hard to get him to do more than smile at a joke. You’re one of the few things I can read him, and almost guarantees a laugh. It’s probably because I’m batshit crazy like you.

  117. Just wow….. throw in a surgery and I would be completely and utterly capable of ripping off a head!

    But on the bright side you two FIX UP the houses you live in so there is some hope. Year 15 and the vintage,character house we bought is still not to my liking.. (“Hello!, could we not HIRE people for this shit?!)

  118. I had a stalker once. He was my ex physics TA, who spent so much time writing me ghastly poetry about how he wanted to summit love mountain and have his own sexual revolution that he flunked grad school and got deported back to Nepal. I swear all this is true.

  119. That pool picture is so crazy, amazing perfect. You make me want an empty pool in a moderate state of disrepair, because you are selling it. Attitude-wise, selling it. Not literally for-sale, given your aforementioned desire to remain a permanent resident. Of the house, not the pool.

    Quitting while I am ahead, qualifier-wise. Also joining the ranks of those of us publicly committing to not stalking you. I promise to not ever stalk you in real life. (I blog stalk you all the time.)

  120. 1CeeJayVA July 15, 2013 at 4:53 pm
    I think you just found both the cover art and the title of your next book.
    “Someone bring me a damn pina-colada!”

    I agree with CeeJay!

  121. I’ve always thought my life story would read like fiction, but yours, my dear, is a series of best sellers!

    Love the pool! But it’s no phallic symbol. All I see are balls… huge balls. Victor didn’t buy the place from Lorena Bobbitt or Catherine Kieu Becker, did he?

  122. The house behind us was abandoned in January and the bank put it on the market a couple of months ago. It comes complete with a broken down pool and some haunted house worthy repairs to the wood siding. My husband has been eyeing it as a fixer upper (and to annex the pool). Thanks for encouraging me to change his mind.

  123. Just the laugh I needed. The picture of you in that pool really cracked me up. Thank you!

    Oh and good luck with the renos, blah blah….

  124. I just finished your book (and that means “just” as in this very hour). While half way through I paused and called you genius on FB. It deserves every single accolade it has received. Hope you can recover from your surgery as quickly and comfortably as possible. Can’t tell you how much I recognized ME while reading your memoir. I didn’t have an everyday, “normal” upbringing either but wouldn’t trade mine for the world. Yours is the book I always wanted to write (and now I don’t have to try and be rejected) because nothing could EVER top yours. I traded my memoir for 20 years toward a different book Instead — one of those serious non-fiction works that needed to be written, too, and have no regrets.
    I would one day love to tell you about the goat we had in NJ where I grew up…you would love the stories of BooBoo always chasing me around the neighborhood and of the time I found out the hard way that BooBoo wasn’t female. (There’s no pun, honest.) Anyhow, you’re great, really 🙂 Marti Rulli PS….I intend to leave an Amazon review.

  125. You handled the last week much better than I did- I just slammed the refrigerator door about ten times because I needed to. A carton of eggs and a bunch of veggies were victims of that meltdown. Thanks for listening.

  126. Yeah, I have to add my voice to the ones saying that picture should be on the cover of your next book, and that it should be titled “Someone Bring Me a Damn Pina Colada.” Hope your recovery goes well and there are no dead possums (or any other small marsupials) involved.

  127. This is off the chizzain. But I could have warned you about gated communities. “Crazy” pays gates no nevermind. That said, as a visionary, I can tell that once you get the AstroTurf laid in the front yard and the pool filled, your place will be way swanky.

  128. Wow. You are magically fucked in every direction and not in the good way by a unicorn, like in your dreams.

  129. Wow, the gated communities have changed since I lived in Texas. Then again, I only ever visited them. They must hid the crazies until dark.

  130. You have brought me so much joy and laughter through your words. Speaking from experience, the drains will NOT be fun. Make them give you SOMETHING. A grateful reader…who has no taxidermy, but does have a polydactyl Siamese. Be well.

  131. I’m just adding my support for the pool photo and pina colada quote as the next book cover/title. It’s too perfect to not be used!

  132. Funny stuff. After Hurricane Sandy, I had a swimming pool in my basement.

  133. I wouldn’t stalk you (I’m lazy and easily distracted, I imagine I’d be bad at it if I ever tried anyways) but I would love to send you a get-well-soon pie!
    Or a card. Either way.

    Good luck with the new neighborhood! Hey, the house next door to us is for sale, and the house down the street will probably be up in a month or three. We live at the edge of Austin, it’s a SUPER amazing neighborhood and we have GREAT neighbors!
    Not really gated though. Very safe though! But I also don’t think there’s a pool either. D: But there is a nature trail at the end of our street, and there’s a decent sized pond there! With toads! And frogs! And turtles!

    But seriously, we all believe in you guys, I’m sure your new home is going to look beautiful and be perfect by time you get done with it!

  134. I am also a fan of that line and picture! Of course, I have no idea what it is like to nap at the bottom of an empty pool, so a damned glass of chardonnay might work better in that situation.

    Hope your recovery from all that mess continues apace, and wonderful taxidermied whatevers are just waiting for you to find them.

  135. Ya know, I think I just realized the biggest reason I adore your writing (besides all the obvious ones)…for every time someone looks me dead in my shit and says, “Only you!” I know in my heart of hearts, there’s at least one other person on this plane that whatever-it-was could have happened to!
    Keeping fingers and toes crossed all goes well, tubes come out, and you’re back on your feet in no time!

  136. Jenny,
    Only you could pull off the line, ” I had a bit of a stalker problem last year.”
    And only you could move into 666 Satan Lane in the gated community of “Milton’s Paradise” – bonus points if you get the reference – and actually stick around for more than one crisis.

    (Incidentally, if anyone other than myself and you recounted the preceding events, i’d say they were mainlining Drano, but knowing you as well as i do, I know you’ve been selected as Fate’s bitch. At least you’re in good company: I had a little boy barf all over my bell cart yesterday morning.)

    Our lives rule, don’t they?
    But we wouldn’t have them any other way, would we?

  137. Ah your posts always give me a smile 🙂
    Make sure you grit your teeth when they pull the tubes out. I had them in my breasts & they hurt like fuck when they ripped the buggers out.

  138. I thought to myself, “Oh, No! Jenny in a gated community.” But as I read further, I understood…THAT kind of gated community. The guards are keeping YOU in, not keeping THEM out. Hotel California?? It will turn out lovely….

  139. BTW, the drains don’t hurt when they come out. Just hold your breath. They’re kind of slippery. Wait. That’s most people.

  140. Totally agree on the next book cover being your *pool scene*, however, it should be Hailey’s Book… “And this is why I drink”…
    And while I’m on titles and such… your new neighbor’s can title their collective memoir “She Drove Me Redneck Crazy”… each with a quirky anecdotal quip about their encounters with you and the fam. Your next title could maybe be ‘Crazy Girl”… Yes, it’s 3AM by me, I’m listening to country music with my caffeine IV which of course makes this fucking hilarious in my head. Perhaps not so much by lunchtime…
    Also!! I saw your book is available in audio format. And, while I am highly suspicious of anyone who buys ‘books that talk to you’, if it’s you doing the actual reading, I may. I imagine your voice in my head as I read anyways. It would make the process way easier for me.
    Hope you’re feeling better 🙂

  141. “I suspect I will be filled with dead possums…”

    Yumm! You sure are lucky! Possums CAN be fillin’, and TASTY, too! 😉

    Seriously… recover fast and well.

  142. I…don’t even know what to say about that, I can say I heard part of it in Robert Downey Jr’s voice? I’m a dirt farmer was said in full Tropic Thunder voice. “I’m a lead farmer, motherfucker.”

    I’m sorry you had a stalker problem. I hope that the move takes care of it. People are just assholes sometimes.

    The pool looks like it’ll be…wet(?) when you get it done? Nah, it looks nice. (look into salt water pools. My father in law has one, and it’s the best thing for fibro when we visit.

  143. Sounds like the house in the “World According to Garp”. He knew his house was safe because what are the odds a plane would hit the same house twice? Once you have all this bad voodoo out of the way, it will be smooth sailing forever. Probably.

  144. I’m glad to hear you are stable & more cognizant since the after-surgery fog.
    I can’t say anything about the fix up house because we bought one. My husband has finally agreed that this will NOT be our last house, I couldn’t be happier. Needless to say the damn thing seems to be falling down around us. I wish you better luck with your lovely home.
    I’m looking forward to making my list of stuff I can’t live without that I need in my next house.
    Keep getting well cuz without your brand of humor I might just go a little more crazy. Who know it might be fun… naw hubbie says he doesn’t think so.

  145. Appropos of nothing except you might be amused … last week we scared a groundhog out of our mulberry tree.
    Does he not know he is a GROUND-hog? There he was, about 8 feet up munching on new growth. Now admittedly this tree is growing at an angle, right next to the stump of a hurricane-destroyed one, with logs rigged up for our 2ndgrader to climb on… but still. He got a lot higher than our daughter does!

  146. Well, at least it’s different houses! We are eight years into renovations on ONE house… and we have miles to go. Can I bury my husband under your pool? Hope you are feeling better.

  147. you may have this phrase to use from now own…

    Well, shit on a cracker, I didn’t expect this…..

    your welcome.

  148. Love the pic of you in the pool! On a brighter, less feelings-of-despair side, one day you’ll find “THE house” and you’ll never move again. And you’ll know this because of all the “house experience” you’re getting. Take it from one who’s been there. (Not me, but my cousin.)

  149. First of all, I am so glad you made it through surgery. Your ability to find the humor in the shitastic is amazing, and very likely the key to survival. I’d like to say something very clever and funny here, but that isn’t my talent. Instead, I’ll say, “I hope you feel better and that things settle down soon.”

  150. Then he waited until I was out of town and bought an old (but very sweet) house that needed massive repairs, had lots of issues, and could probably kill us.

    I’d get a a big metal chicken, weld up a mound and bolt it to the floor of his office. Jesus! And this man has the gall at times to question your saniity?

  151. I’m going with ‘Get well soon’, cos’ anything else is just the mother of all anti-climaxes…not unlike Aunty-climaxes…unnecessary.

    Look after yourself, Jenny. HMSx

  152. The pool picture is classic… what was he thinking??? So what, he went out and bought a house while you were not available for consultation? ugh. At least you’re finding the humor in it…

  153. PRICELESS!! It’s amazing how with just one click of a camera, you’re able to transform something like a gaping cement hole in your backyard into pure comedy gold. Best picture ever. Thank you so much for sharing it!

  154. Dear very funny Bloggess,

    Loved the pool photo and the new neighborhood debacle stories. Take care of yourself and face down the puppy-eating lion next week.

    You might like this — it’s high-end fuck-you-gallbladder art. I fear that it would cost more than a taxidermied robot mouse, however, so Victor might put up a fuss.

    Spir@l Triangle

  155. Feel better soon, awesome one. I’m looking forward to seeing pool “after” pics!

    Dude… can you tell us more about the stalking situation?

  156. Your house has obvious potential, it looks beautiful. We all have that ‘nutso neighbor’, in varying degrees. Mine haven’t wielded guns yet, but they do yell out some pretty odd comments occasionally.
    Post Beyonce in your backyard. Mountain lions are scared of enormous metal chickens. Probably.
    I sincerely hope that that lawn company comes back and rewards you lavishly for their screw up.
    Seriously, who has the time or energy to physically stalk somebody? Sounds exhausting, and insane. They should stick to blog lurking. It’s very rewarding, cost effective, and criminal-charge-free.
    Keep on keeping on, Jenny. You’re moving in the right direction.

  157. I slipped a disc and have been ordered to 5 days bed rest besides for the pain it is cool having to be waited upon. 😉 Your pool is freaking amazing, I am sure it is going to be fab when it is completed.

  158. I am sure the pool will be lovely when it’s done! POOL PARTY AT JENNY’S! Caught one of my neighbors talking to a squirrel that was up in a tree. Guess it’s slightly better than talking to the tree….

  159. Until that pool is fixed, you could use it to hold classes teaching toddlers the beginning skills of rock climbing. I KNOW there are parents out there who would sign up. I hope you are back to feeling good soon!

  160. Oh dear. Hopefully all the bad shit decided to fall on you at once and everything from here on is going to be rainbows and puppies (that haven’t been eaten by mountain lions).

  161. Why stop at possums? Maybe you’ll get bitten by the mountain lion but now because of your surgery (and the house is haunted by friendly spirits) you’ll get lion powers like running and strength and excellent night vision.

  162. I think that should be a book cover and you should call it “The Afterlife”, meaning what your life is like AFTER writing your first book. The photo just looks haunted to me. Maybe your place is ALSO haunted. Win?

  163. I don’t think where we live is as important as how we live. Bravo, Jenny! You seem to be doing just great; renovation, healing et al.

  164. OMG! Your pool is dog bone shaped!! Its perfect for luring in the neighbors (yappie) dog, then setting a trap with it for the mountain lion! Do you know how cool you would be with a mountain lion as a pet!

    I see a ton of potential for your new house though (what I could see) and I’m sorry about that whole stalker thing last year. Now that I have some of your hair I am satisfied to leave you alone.


  165. Gotta say, I am right there with CeeJayVA : I think you just found both the cover art and the title of your next book.
    “Someone bring me a damn pina-colada!”

  166. Heal quickly. You are going to need your strength. Renovations are not for wimps. But you probably already know that…

  167. Thank you for being you and sharing yourself with us (okay, specifically me, as it’s me who is reading your blog). Your blog brightens my day. A sincere, warm thank you.

  168. Jasper Fforde puts stalkers in a new light in his Thursday Next books: the existence of a stalker proves how famous you are. Some stalkers are so famous they get stalkers of their own. Thurday’s (yes the main characheter is called Thursday and she has children called Tuesday and Friday) stalker is really nice but not very good at stalking.

  169. I feel you. Our house has a lot of “personality.” That personality has been leaking from every orifice this summer causing a lot of expense and aggravation. I think that, like you, by the time it is close to feeling like home we’ll be ready to move. Sigh.

  170. OMG, is that pool shaped like a dog biscuit?! This just might be the house for you after all.

    Hope you feel better and better everyday. You didn’t need that stupid organ anyway.

  171. definitely shoot for the nervous breakdown. based on my own in -process move, I’m convinced it’s a requirement–and probably a way to get some much needed rest (or at least drugs).

  172. Wow! After reading your first book (and jonesing for the next one, btw), it’s official. The universe hates you more than it does me. Why? Well, I thought this plumbing problem at my Nana’s was bad, i.e.: http://tenaciousbitch.com/2011/05/16/like-a-really-bad-sit-com/ …and, yes, that was an attempt at shameless self-promotion, and… I’m okay with that :)…and I definitely felt some kind of ethereal hatred when I found out that my son’s girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend) STOLE my car while I was out of town and cheated on Max (my son) with another guy, and we don’t mean just making out either. Yeah – can you say EWWW? Even after steam-cleaning my Escalade, I had to buy a cover for the backseat because I couldn’t bear for anyone to sit there. However, getting locked in with the crazies and having to endure a waterless cement pond in the same year is the most definitive proof that the universe has no love for you since you arm-poked a cow’s vagina…:)…I hope you’re feeling better and recover quickly from your surgery! 🙂
    A major fan,
    Columbus, Ohio

  173. I love the pool picture, it’s hilarious and quite beautiful. Also, you’re giving full credence to the old Chinese curse of “may you live in interesting times”. For years my family has held the firm belief that no news is the best news…despite all the “interesting” things that still insist on happening.

  174. My parents live in the hills up in Austin, and I shit you not, every few years a mountain lion comes through. When they built the house, there were pawprints in the yard. My mom thought it was a bobcat, but she’s never seen one (she’s from Ohio), so we had to go to that gas station in La Grange with all the taxidermy and climb up in the beer cooler to show here that bobcats have much smaller paws than the ones that left prints in the yard. A few years later, the neighbor saw it walking down along the side of the house. Every time, they call the HOA, and someone over there says, “Oh! THAT’S what must have happened to all those dogs!” Texas is special.

  175. Our neighborhood seems very uneventful (boring) in comparision. Great picture of you in the pool. I am sure you will make this house a great place to live.

  176. I thought “dog bone” too for the pool. OMG. What a ride for you! Rather than duplicate all the other comments, which I could easily do, I will just invite you to move to my neighborhood. The house across the street is vacant. I have a pool. One of those plastic jobs, maybe 8′ across, 12-18″ deep. Plenty of wildlife, hawks, deer, coyotes, and I do recall a cougar (mountian lion) sighting not too long ago.. not bad for a suburb of Chicago huh? Plus then it couldn’t be called stalking. I would be your neighbor.

    As for the front lawn, you can get lifesize dinosaurs you know.

    I too am sending you good vibes for healing.

  177. Did you move to OZ??? Mountain lions, crazy neighbors with cops and dead lawns??? Victor sure knows how to pick them!!! Love the Pool, how ever a few pool floats might be in order!! This so should be the cover for your next book!
    My life with Victor ad the perfect house!! I do hope you brought Beyoncé!

  178. Oh hon…I thought my move last summer was bad. All I had/have to do is replace window treatments in every single window (thirteen) and remove all the double drapery rods the former tenants installed (and spackle and paint the big holes the hardware left), replace three toilets, two bathroom sinks & faucets, the kitchen sink and faucet, the patio screen door, the front screen door, fix the fans in the two upstairs bathrooms, fix the master bathroom shower door (which doesn’t close – which is why I’m still showering in the guest bath one year later), replace all major appliances (stove, fridge, dishwasher, washer & dryer)…the upstairs carpets need replacing, but I’d rather have the cat throw up every fifteen minutes on OLD, DIRTY carpeting instead of expensive, new carpeting. Our HOA doesn’t have it’s own mountain lion…but the neighbors across the street have the cat from HELL…does that count?? But (thank fortune) we don’t have an empty pool (actually no pool, which is just as UN-refreshing as an empty pool) and most (…okay, well PART) of my front lawn is still green.

    I hope and pray that you and your whole home environment heal soon…especially the lawn…and the pool…and the psychotic neighbor…

  179. I’m glad your surgery was a success and I’m sorry everything apparently wants to kill you. Your house looks like the most beautiful fixer-upper in the world. I’m not sure if my previous statement means that the house is full of potential or if it’s the loveliest death-trap ever. I’ll let you pick.

  180. I would love to relax in that pool. With a pina colada. And water in the pool.

    Hopefully by tomorrow those tubes will be out. I’m so sorry that you had such a terrible time with the gall bladder.

  181. To Courtney, #85, who said “Nah, the sewers are full of alligators. Didn’t you get the memo? ”

    That’s in New York sewers, not Texas sewers!

    So, was the theme song to Jaws playing through your head while in the pool? When I was a kid, I swam extra fast the summer that Jaws came out — because, you know, a great white shark might be behind me. In the swimming pool. In Kansas. That same shark may have moved to Texas! Be careful!

  182. Moving has been boycotted at my house by me, kids, and cats. If my husband gets the itch to move again, we will blindfold him, paint the room, spin him around, and TA DA!!! New place. When we see him with any sort of cardboard box, it is ON like a BANG A GONG!!!

    Hope you are feeling better soon!!!

  183. On the bright side, that pool is gonna be KILLER when you’re done, and you look super skinny lying in it! 😛

  184. Were you lying in the pool thinking, “the only way this could get any worse was if I had tubes sticking out of my gut.” ? Congratulations!! on both your successful surgery and your possible psychic abilities.

    I agree. Awesome picture. It’s as if you live in Detroit.

  185. You make me laugh so hard.

    I hope you are feeling 110% really soon.

    Sending you good thoughts and white light healing stuff and what’ev’s your way.

  186. I agree with Comment #1 — that picture in the pool is DEFINITELY a book cover. (It’s not a bad title, either.)

    I also agree with the comment that stated Victor is a sadist. This is true. We spent this last Saturday moving some friends who apparently own Every Box In Existence not only in July in Phoenix, but into a third-floor apartment. And while you and Victor are much younger than we are, bear in mind you’ll get here one day, and it has taken me three days, two bottles of wine, I lost track of how many painkillers, and gallons of water to recover (and I still have some sore muscles).

    Of course, if he stops moving you, then we miss out on these wonderful stories…

  187. You didn’t take the cats dry swimming with you?

    May be why they were a bit rough removing the stomach tubes.

    And why they stuffed possums inside.

    Never mind.

    It will give you a warm, fuzzy feeling inside.

  188. Dude. DUUUUDE. Is your pool dog-bone-shaped?! I’m not great at eyesight, but if it is dog-bone-shaped, I am hella jealous!

  189. Reading folks’ comments and I am terribly confused. Just how does that pool look like a penis? OK, admittedly, it’s been a long time, but I cannot imagine that things have changed THAT much. Or if they HAVE, I am suddenly very glad that I am single and unpopular.

  190. We are now more 25 years into our “save an old house from destruction” project. It is over 100 years old. After all the blood, sweat, tears, sledge hammers, chainsaws, arguments and $$$ we’ve poured into it (and still not done yet) I tell people the only way they’ll get me out of it is in either a pine box or a strait jacket. Either way they’ll probably have to pry a drill out of one hand and a paint brush out of the other once rigor mortis sets in. So I totally get it.

    Just sit back a moment and be grateful you don’t have bats in the attic. The house, that is. Around here they are “protected” so you can’t even exterminate them. And they make really lousy pets. They won’t roll over or shake hands or anything on command.

  191. It could be worse. You could have had the gate rammed by a mountain lion spraying dead puppy poison while aiming for your pool.

    Also I will now be cancelling plans to stalk you, which frees up next week.

    I will say that shot of the pool is a great one.


  192. I’ve been fighting the very profound urge to hide under my desk all day today…for a number of reasons not worth going into here (or anywhere else, for that matter). Then I decided to take a quick look at your blog, doubting that there would be anything new since you are full of tubes and all — and there it was. You made me smile and think twice about the desk-hiding plan. In all sincerity, thank you.

    And I also promise not to stalk you. I “stalked” an ex-boyfriend, years ago, in the dark ages before there was stalking and it was still called “unrequited love” or “pining” or something stupid like that. I quit after a day and a half, because it was exhausting and he turned out to be spectacularly boring. Lesson learned.

  193. Sending love and prayers for a speedy recovery. And the lawn company TOTALLY owes you a new lawn! and they need to remove all of the topsoil and bring in new dirt or NOTHING will ever grow.

  194. You in the pool = hilarity.

    Hope you’re fealing well. That’s a really lame combination of feeling well and healing well. Because I’m derpy like that.

  195. Do you really read all your comments? I was getting tired trying to scroll down to leave one. Hang onto those home health nurses as long as you can. Helpful women they are!

  196. At least the trees are still green… My husband planted weed and feed in our yard. Killed the weeds and the trees we had recently planted !!!!!!

  197. Moving is a real pain even if you are prepared and ready. That is why we have stayed in our house three years longer than expected.
    Hoping you continue to get stronger!

  198. My sister mentioned that it was a bit too easy to look up your address. I hope you are taking measures so people can’t find your address as easily on the internet.

  199. Oh, I just want to cry or maybe hyperventilate for you. I’m staring at my master bathroom walls with what looks like brown shit splattered everywhere (brown paint samples) and that’s really all I can handle right now.

    You’re either a strong woman or your powers of denial are incredible!

  200. I just try to remind myself that the house-type things are first-world problems and at least I have a house! Hang in there.

  201. Yikes lady. The worst thing I have to deal with is coming up with the $56.00 I am short that I owe you for my ad. My beautiful, perfect, gosh I wish it could be up all year….ad.

    Well that and the fact that my husband is using the cat shaver to shave his balls. Right now. I mean it. I don’t think the cats will ever let me get near them with it again. There goes Farallon’s Lion Cut for Summer.

    I love you lady. Good luck on your new money pit… I mean- Home.


    Dr Brassy

  202. From strength to strength, Jenny! You’ll bounce back and eventually into a pool with water in it. Just make sure you don’t try to bounce into the pool _before_ the water’s in it.

    Think lovely thoughts and stay the hell away from from the mountain lions! And remind Copernicus to do the same!

  203. Trade you your stabby gallbladder for my shoulder baby.

    I’ll even through in the elbow baby.

    Ouch. Dammit.

    P.S. You can keep the possums.

  204. The pool picture reminds me of a movie from my country, where a family buys a romantic little house a little outside a mountain village that needs heavy renovation. Short on money they decide to do most work themselves. Whatever they do to try to remodel leads to bigger problems. As the house more or less collapses around them, they decide to demolish what’s left and build it new from scratch, including the adding of a basement. After a while of digging they discover that their house was built above an illegal mass grave from WWII. They are left with a lot of debt, no house, no building permit (as, of course the land they bought is now subject of massive investigation) and a very demolished car. Best quote from the entire movie: “There you go digging your own grave, and then it’s already taken.”

    Have fun with the renovations!

  205. I love the pool picture. Looks like you’re in Roman ruins. Hope you are feeling better.

  206. Holy cry. When it rains, it pours–except for in your pool. Yeesh.

    I had my gallbladder out this past March and the doctor was nice enough to give me one of the stones from my little bitch. I’m thinking of making an “organic” ring with it. May you feel better stat.

  207. I vote Book Cover! If there is an election, I mean. But then, I vote for you for everything anyway. Shitty start of the week – move over, I am joining the rest of you.

  208. Hope you have a quick recovery!

    I agree with some of the others that the picture of you in the pool needs to be on the cover of your next book! It’s awesome and it’s one of those cases where a picture says a thousand words. Maybe you need to lure that stalker close to the pool and then…oops (of course not resulting in a fatal injury that would screw up your homeowners policy!).

  209. Well if it’s any consolation your legs look FABULOUS in the pool picture!

  210. Um. Well, at least you’re stalker free! Also, one assumes the guy who screwed up will be giving you all new grass, so…yay?

    Yeah, I could find the bright side in a black hole.

    Hope your stomach isn’t full of tubes soon. But then you’ll have less in common with the Internet, so that’ll be a bummer. But not much of one, really.

  211. “If you like pina coladas…and lounging over the drain…”
    Congrats on your new digs. Sorry about the lawn. And the pool. And the stalkers. And the shoot out. And the possums…and…Dang girl! You deserve a massive pina colada slushy!

  212. Your new neighborhood is going to literally write itself in a the form of another best seller and the house will pay for itself and more. It’s only been a few weeks nad LOOK at the stories and bizarre situations you’ve found yourself in in this new home in a “safer” gated community with the crazies and lions… (well done victor!)

    How you find yourself in these situations is a complete accidental (I think?) serendipitous stroke of genius

    Keep us posted on remodeling and mental health scale. Going crazy gets in the way of completing remodeling.
    But stay hilarious and keep us updated =) Hope you are feeling better!

  213. You are so LUCKY!!! Have fun with the new house, inevitable muddy mosh pit, and pool. OH, and when you are feeling better, we fully expect you to post “Lost: Mountain Lion” signs.

  214. I have no idea how you do it, Jenny. Must you be so ambitious with weirdest-things-to-ever-happen-to-one-person?? Brava. Hugs and feel better soon.

  215. Hope you are healing up real fine. It seems that all of the bad things that can happen happened within a short time frame for you. Now that they are done with you should be getting all of the good things from now on. Can’t wait to see the “after” pictures of the pool.

  216. You OWN this! You are the queen of the amazing story and if I had someone accidentally killed my grass after a shoot out at the front gates with a mountain lion on the loose, I’d have drown myself in pina-coladas already! If it were not for the stomach tubes, I suspect you would have already have the mountain lion in for taxidermy , and a wanted poster put up for the yard-whisperer that needs a second grade reading lesson. That stalker thing is too bad, but if they come back, your neighborhood sounds like it will put up a hell of a fight to them.

    Keep writing, get better and I cannot wait to see your new book with that pool pic on the cover. Sheer genius!

  217. I don’t know why you are surprised by all this. sounds like Victor has found you the perfect home.

  218. Oh, honey, I would so bring you a bucket of pina colada, along with 3 dumpsters, 4 kinds of shovels, and a loaner kitten. But not in a stalkery way because fuck stalkers.

  219. Is your pool in the shape of a gallbladder? I feel like it is, which is yet another way your new house (and your gallbladder) are haunting you.


  220. I’m just back reading your blog after a break of a few months while I had a breakdown and sat in a corner banging my head on the wall, you know the kind of thing. Anywho what I wanted to say was OMG! I am so sorry because I have on several occasions joked about stalking you and stuff on my blog, which of course I would never have done had I realised it was actually happening to you. Sorry about that. It wasn’t me by the way…………………

  221. I keep looking at that picture of your pool, and thinking, which is never good. Is your pool shaped like a milk bone?

  222. Your picture? It makes me smiley. Also I think it’s super artsy. So win-win. For me. And for you, because when you make the world smile it should make you smile too. Or something like that. I’m not very good at remembering sayings correctly. Thank you for being you.

  223. I just want to say that a) I concur with CeeJayVA – you definitely have the pic & title for your next book… in all languages, and b) If you lived anywhere near me, I would happily bring you many pina coladas.

  224. That pool looks like it was incredible in its heyday. I also think that photo would make a great book cover!
    I love looking at old busted-up houses and imagining the potential. The problem is paying for the restorations..

  225. I can’t imagine what you must have been going through with your murderous gallbladder, you poor thing. I can’t even handle my period every month. I swear that bitch is trying to kill me!

  226. Please tell me that your new swimming pool, er, such as it is, is shaped like a dog bone.

    Please please please.

  227. I feel like there has to be a way to combine the poison guy with the puppy-eating mountain lion situation. Now, while I like the idea of protecting a mountain lion…um…dude…PUPPIES. You can’t win up against a good puppy.

  228. I love that it looks like God is shining his light on you….while you lay in a penis shaped pool!

  229. That picture is art – even for people who don’t “know” you and your stories.

    On another note, unlike our daughter who has two boring (and in her 12 year old mind, unreasonable) Moms, I often think that someday Haley is going to have a kick-a** book I can’t wait to read.

  230. OMG. I just love your blog. Please don’t ever stop – my day would be so boring!!!

  231. Do you think your dad will stuff you when you die? Glad you’re still living, btw.

  232. You look like a skinny bitch in that pic. P.S. Is Alie your stalker? Scary. 😉

  233. Just here to agree with a commenter way up there who suggested filling the pool with little plastic balls. Seriously. Ball pit. Seriously.

  234. “This isn’t a real post. ”

    Very glad that pic of your yard and pool isn’t real… So, I am just gonna wait for the “real post”. ‘Kay?

  235. Somehow this reminds me when my grandma sold her house to move, and the bug killer people showed up a month early and started “tenting” the house to spray it full of poison. She was still living there and it was full of food and things that you don’t want covered in poison. It took her and her Realtor hours to convince them that they had the wrong date because they didn’t want to come back.

  236. That picture of you in the pool is very beautiful. I 2nd the person who commented that it could be the cover of your next book.

  237. A friend noted to me that The Bloggess had her gallbladder out right around when I did. I had to find what you write and I found this. I love it. I wish you all the best in finding a good shooter-eating lawn to keep the crazies you’re locked in with away from your new home and hope you are recovering well!

  238. OK, I don’t know if the Bloggess reads comments this much later, but I read this paragraph to my husband:

    “We moved a few months ago, continuing our pattern of buying a house, fixing it and then putting it up for sale about 15 minutes before it actually feels like home. When Victor decided we should move again I told him that this house will be the last one because I wasn’t moving again unless it was in a coffin. Then he waited until I was out of town and bought an old (but very sweet) house that needed massive repairs, had lots of issues, and could probably kill us. In short, he bought the “me” of houses.”

    And he sighed and said “I’ll shank you”.

    p.s. he said that because this one time I bought a house that needed to be gutted while he was out of town. Not because he’s going to actually shank me. But that may be because I’m not planning on buying another house while he’s at work today or whatever. Though I might buy a volkswagen.

  239. “We have succeeded in locking the crazies in with us.”

    To be fair, your husband kinda does that every night when the doors get locked and you all go to bed.

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