I miss you already.

Every month or so I go to Google Analytics to see which search terms are sending people to this blog.

Here are a few of the most interesting ones:

“I carry booze into work with me…in my stomach”

“Why do men lose head hair but grow ear hair?”

“How to make a booze rifle”

“my cat loves pills”

“Do lesbians like lounge pants?”

“6 year old has roach in ear but doctor said that is his eardrum”

“Does God kill a kitten when you touch yourself?”

“Are heroine addicts telling doctors spiders are leaving eggs inside of them?”

“Why does Katie Couric blink so much?”

“Asshole bitches won’t let me watch my doctor who”

“And that’s why Neil Patrick Harris would be the most successful serial killer ever”

“Why are there so many ostriches?”

“Why is my cat so awesome?”

“Why do Amish people think God hates zippers?”

“Morgan Freeman with a kitten on his head”

“velociraptor in love with cloverfield monster?”

“My cat needs vampire blood”

PS.  Apparently Google is removing keyword search data from Analytics.  I really want to complain, but it’s possible Google is just trying to save us from ourselves.

163 thoughts on “I miss you already.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I have to wonder how much alchohol has been consumed for some of these searches to be made. Also, please let it be known that God never kills kittens.

    (Well, someone’s killing them. ~ Jenny)

  2. Yes, but DO lesbians like lounge pants? If that’s not the name of a book/TV show/Movie it damn well should be.

  3. While those seem odd, it makes sense that the internet would send these people to you.
    I find my stats more entertaining than any other aspect of my blog. Apparently, I am an expert on combustible straw bales!

  4. “Are heroine addicts telling doctors spiders are leaving eggs inside of them?”

    Now that it’s been asked. . . I kind of want to know.

  5. I wish my keyword analytics were that interesting. Sigh…

    It’s good to know that when people need help with the tough questions they can turn to you.

  6. NPH would make an amazing serial killer. And that would probably end better than Dexter did.

    And which heroine are these people addicted to? And why hasn’t anyone made a movie about her yet?

  7. I see lesbians in loungepants armed with booze rifles and riding in formation upon too many ostriches. No wonder Morgan Freeman has grabbed up his kittens.

  8. Actually, the zippers thing is a pretty good question. Now I kind of want to know the answer.

  9. I am going to be sad when they quit giving you the keyword search information because I find these “how do these people keep finding me” posts are so incredibly amusing to me.

  10. My key to a happy life: live alone. Ain’t no asshole bitches keepin me from my Doctor Who.

  11. I find these to be both amusing and disorienting. I think someone should write a song with all those searches as lyrics. (But if it does turn get turned into a song, I probably shouldn’t listen to it while driving.)

  12. If a vampire kitten is on Morgan Freeman’s head, is it going to suck his blood or just be lulled to sleep by the dulcet tones of his voice?

  13. My cat also loves pills. That’s why my purse rattles like I just robbed a pharmacy. It’s the cat.

    P.S. I wish I could “like” all these comments!

  14. Oddly enough, the one that has me baffled is “Why does Katie Couric blink so much?”. Out of all of those, THAT’S the one that seems odd to me.

  15. You know.. I looked up a lot about velociraptors in my time, but never that. No. Never.

    My daughter was called that for her first 6 months of life. She had very sharp nails, and a bitey mouth. Maybe I should google that and see if it brings me here….

  16. Someone please let them know that no kittens will die if they touch themselves! That just made me feel bad.

    Also, DO lesbians like lounge pants? Because knowing that would really help me this Christmas.

  17. Well, thanks for that info – hubs isn’t happy about the removal of keywords. Seems like he uses them for his website. Who knew we needed saving?!

  18. Forget about booze rifles. Someone searched for “tampon gun” on my blog. And “boxing rats.” I don’t know if that means rats in the act of boxing, or putting rats in a box to be shipped somewhere. And where would you use a tampon gun? To hold up a blood bank?

  19. Not that body hair is related to God. Or even Godliness. That I know.

    God loves zippers, body hair, the Amish and even masturbation. Less stress and fewer unwanted pregnancies. At least one would hope.

  20. It’s like Google hates you, because those search term analytics are wonderful fodder for some of your blog posts! I will miss these. *sniff*

  21. It was a forbidden love. A wild love of unbridled passion. But it seemed like the whole world stood in their way. Velociraptor and Cloverfield. Coming soon to a theater near you.

  22. points of possible interest: Amish people don’t usually use buttons, either. Buttons are decorative, and therefore prideful.
    Amish women are not allowed to shave any parts of their body, nor cut their hair, as it is considered prideful to change what God gave one. This, of course, does not explain why Amish MEN are allowed to shave until they marry, at which time they grow a beard. But not a mustache, because…say it with me….mustaches are prideful. (In general. Some bishops may be more lenient than others.)
    Now I’m thinking of Morgan Freeman watching Dr Who while kittens sit on his head. Morgan’s, not the Doctor’s…but….yeah. Might be time to take my meds.

  23. I went through my WordPress search stats yesterday. My first thought after reading the data was, “Boy, there are some real weirdos on the Internet.”

  24. Okaaay. Mustaches are prideful. ?

    NPH would make an awesome serial killer. On TV. In real life that would be sad.

  25. wait! WTF google. Why do you take away all the best things? That’s why you use analytics, to figure out how people find you. People find my website by googling “fat naked man” which leaves me somewhat repulsed and somewhat honored.

  26. Herione addicts, are those people that are addicted to female heros? Why would they think they have spiders eggs inside them? Were they in a Sci Fi book? Maybe a Dr Who episode?

  27. Let’s face facts: NPH would be the best at just about anything he tried, so OBVIOUSLY he would be the most successful serial killer ever. Let’s just hope he sticks to his legen-waitforit-dary award show hosting 🙂

  28. “Why are there so many ostriches?”

    makes me want to ask the obvious follow-up question:

    Where are there so many ostriches?

    I’m guessing they are in NewStralia, burying their heads in sparkly, hobbit-enriched, exfoliating sand so they are ready to pose for blog pics when you get there.

  29. This list makes me fearful of so many new things: wasting booze in rifles, killing kittens, puncturing my eardrum fishing roaches out, ostriches chasing me, NPH killing me… Dear gawd, maybe it is a good thing. But I’ll miss your analytics-related posts, for sure.

  30. Hey, there’s always Statcounter. That’s how I find out about my bizarre-o search data.

    And the kitten thing is probably from the Domo-kun meme (were they called memes yet, back then?) that said “Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten” and had a kitten fleeing Domo-kun. (seen here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:God-kills-kitten.jpg)

    There were also ones that replaced the kitten’s face (just the face) with Tony Danza’s head.

    Which then makes me sing Tiny Dancer, but with the misheard lyrics “Hold me closer, Tony Danzaaaaaa!”

    (….goodnight everybody)

  31. I hope blogger keeps theirs going. I love it too much. I already may never get over the fact that you won’t be posting anymore of your best search terms. It’s like a competition really, kind of like I’m inspired to try to get weirder terms than you got. I’m not even close yet, so no worries on your part. I’m thinking I should blog more about taxidermy.

  32. So I definitely want to search ALL of these now to see what ELSE comes up…. I mean, if that stuff leads here, what other awesome things might we discover?

  33. “Asshole bitches won’t let me watch my doctor who”. I just about pee’d laughing. Also, who ARE these asshole bitched, cause doctor who hindrance is serious.

  34. What I love the most is that the crazies are asking the questions……….but now that we’ve seen the questions, the rest of us really want to know the answers!

  35. Booze guns originated from potato launchers. There were some boys and they made a potato launcher to annoy the neighbors. It worked really well. The neighbors were super annoyed, and so the boys got bored and left their potato launcher in someone’s shed, where the potatoes still left inside the launcher turned into vodka, eventually. Years later, some other boys found it and were amazed that some moron made a booze launcher when everyone knows that only solids launch really well, but a booze gun, now that was different. They made the first booze gun prototype, developed it, and eventually sold it in three different flavors on QVC in the early morning hours between 2 and 4, I think someone we know, not mentioning any names here, might have a tequila one. They made a lot of money, became venture capitalists, and invested heavily i n an overseas lesbian lounge pant manufacturing plant. They wanted to do some good in the world, so they promised that, for every pair of lesbian lounge pants they sold, they would give a cat in need some pills and vampire blood. True story. Soon to be made into a documentary.

  36. Please, for the love of all things holy, I hope WordPress never gets rid of the search word info. That always makes my day.
    And Neil Patrick Harris would make a fabulous serial killer.

  37. I would really like to believe that these are totally serious people, who are not on anything, and they’re like: oh well, my cat needs vampire blood because in their world vampires exist, and this is no ordinary cat.

    They turn to Google for advise in this half muggle, half supe world, and that is how we know they’re there…you know? Through your posts.

    It’s sure crazy that we have to say good bye to that.

  38. The main searches that usually get people to my site are along the lines of “do the tributes in the Hunger Games poop” and “pooping at summer camp/in public.” (My most popular post is titled “How Do Hunger Games Tributes Manage Pooping In The Wilderness?” I wrote it over a year ago on my dinky little blog, but the post still gets daily traffic. Apparently, I struck a chord.)

  39. How does someone not know that the stomach is the best way to carry booze? C’mon, people!
    If the Amish don’t use buttons or zippers, what do they use? Now I’m picturing them all with bottles of fabric glue all over the house.
    Cause if buttons are too proud, snaps would just be obscenely snappy.

  40. P.S. All of these comments are great, but Chickens Consigliere’s is outstanding. But I do think I’ve seen stranger things on home shopping. Maybe you should apply for a patent? I’d totally buy a tequila gun.

  41. All I get is people searching for Pinky the pornstar… Funny that! I’m not surprised you get so many strange ones and I can just picture the guy?? who searched for why men lose head hair but grow ear hair. A George Costanza type you think?

  42. For the last 8 months ALL my search terms have something to do with Dolphin Rape Caves.. *cries* I don’t wanna be the Dolphin Rape Cave girl anymore….

  43. I have a feeling Google is trying to drain all the fun from the internet.
    Fortunately, with souls like yours populating the web, jenny, that is near impossible. Its nice to see your fan base is as offbeat and wonderfully original as you are, Bloggess.

  44. Yeah just what is the deal with me as a guy going bald but I still have hair growing in my ears and two hairs on top of the lobe, what is that shit, even chemo couldn’t stop them from growing, WTF

  45. As a lesbian, I can tell you that I rarely see other lesbians in lounge pants.

    Generally, lounge pants are for 1960s key parties.

    Or so I’ve been led to believe by The Ice Storm.

  46. I have the feeling that listing all the awesomely crazy searches will only serve to increase them, exponentially to the point where we spiral down this rabbit hole of fabulous insanity. So many questions, so few answers.

  47. The Katie Couric thing has always bugged me but I don’t think I’ve ever looked to your blog for the answer. Just accepted it as “one of those things,” sorta like god hating zippers.

  48. Oh, I think I’ve spent too much time on Reddit, on most of these comments I wanted to click the up arrow. Can we add that? Pretty please? (just up arrows, no need for down or sideways)

  49. I know this is not the strangest thing going on here but… why are so many of the search terms questions? Do people really go to google and ask questions like it’s Ask Jeeves? Do I need to stop overthinking everything? Am I just asking multiple questions on purpose now?

  50. “Asshole bitches won’t let me watch my doctor who” – I feel the pain.

    “And that’s why Neil Patrick Harris would be the most successful serial killer ever” – I feel like I need to hear the rest of this story. If I go google it, will it just send me back to you?

  51. I need to know the answer to the zipper question…perhaps it’s because zippers can grab things? And I am anti-guns but I need a booze rifle.

  52. Lounge pants: not just for lesbians.

    I’d like to meet the person that TOLD anyone that God would kill a kitten if they touched themselves…perhaps God would like to deal with THEM accordingly?

    Also, there are some valid questions in there – why DOES Katie Couric blink so much? Why DO balding men grow ear fur? Why ARE there so many ostriches? Somebody needs to answer these questions!

  53. Is it bad that I can place at least half of these with some sort of context on this blog? Either I read it too much or I’m just as strange as the rest of the people on here… Is it possible to read this blog too much?

  54. I now have a burning need to have all these questions answered. I think I’ve thrown off your stats for next time around since I had to search all of them (but I searched on bing instead, so maybe the balance of the universe won’t be thrown off.)

    Do the Amish use velcro instead?

  55. Sadly- after reading this I just had to Google image search “Morgan Freeman with a kitten on his head”. I don’t know why…… But a lot of pictures from your blog were in the results…. so there’s that.

  56. The shitty google move is actually a very interesting one: It is thought that a lot of bloggers decide new content on the history and popularity of keywords that were were found interesting by readers in the past.

    Google is (not so much intentionally , because all they want is more money via Ad Words) forcing ‘us’ to write something new, more based on our intuition, instead of analysing the shit of what might be something people want to read. I say ‘us’ because YOU might not use G analytics that way, and I don’t want to offend you. I know I don’t because I am not very good at content marketing and now I’m too late.
    My advice to all is to type random words or questions into google search bar and see what gives the least amount of suggestions. Then write about that. Everyone actually searching (let’s say) “homemade bat-poo pie” will find you at the top of the results page and (yay, BONUS:) you will be a total original.

    Now; anyone who happen to have a good recipe for homemade bat-poo pie, I really need that in my mailbox ASAP, I am expecting a lot of request now that I just brought that up ….

  57. Now I HAVE to google “And that’s why Neil Patrick Harris would be the most successful serial killer ever”. I cannot live one second longer and not have the FULL explination!!!!

  58. I almost didn’t believe this was true except I don’t know if even you could make all of these up. No offense, since you made up the Valentines, which were genius, but still.

  59. I guess I don’t understand search optimization. It’s great that you get the traffic. I’m sure many visitors end up staying and becoming fans. But how these topics lead to your blog is baffling.

    On a side track, there is a twitter account that posts search queries in a poetic format. Kind of cool @GooglePoetics

  60. I hope I don’t sound like a stalker (’cause I don’t have time for that, plus you’ve already got one) but when I read about Google messing with the keyword search data, I knew I was going to miss your posts about the crazy reasons people visit your blog.

  61. While working on a college essay, my daughter emailed me and said, “I was looking up on Google ‘another way to say take a stab’ (as in, ‘He took a stab at it.’) and the third result was The Blogess xD”

  62. At least your analitics are interesting. Says something about you.
    I won’t comment on what it says about you, but obviously we enjoy coming here 😉

  63. This is always one of my favorite posts… because it is SO FUNNY and interesting to me A)Why people are searching these things? and B)Sometimes they seem particularly unconnected to your blog. I think its fascinating. The internet is great. People are hilarious. The End.

  64. “My cat needs vampire blood”
    Why does the cat need vampire blood? Vampire blood would be blood that has – in theory – been circulating in a dead body. That’s both icky and less useful than blood from living people (or living cats). If the cat needs a transfusion, vampire blood is a terrible choice.

  65. The idea of a booze rifle has inspired me. I’m going to go to WalMart and buy a Super Soaker water gun and fill it with strawberry schnapps.

  66. More than a few people have found my blog by searching for some variation of “food bloggers that aren’t Mormon.” Since my blog is neither about food, nor am I Mormon, I feel that I have outsmarted Google. Except that I didn’t mean to, which means the joke’s on me. I guess.

  67. True story, slightly related to ostriches in that they were emus:

    I grew up down the road from an emu farm. One day, all the emus broke free. And there were SO MANY EMUS. It was awesome.

  68. Not to worry. I expect you can find even better ones in Google Webmaster Tools Search Queries. And … I could probably use some vampire blood. Do you have any?

  69. So how does one make a booze rifle? That sounds kind of interesting and possibly not recommended to be done at home.

  70. But, keyword analytics bring me so much joy…People often find me by googling for eyeball. Then I wonder if they are disapointed.

  71. I once used a similar program to find out how people were fetching up at my blog. One of the phrases was, “Tie my tits together”.

    I also had a little program where I could see where the people currently reading my blog were in the world and what search terms brought them there. Once I caught someone from S. Africa who had arrived by using the words, “Oktoberfest dirndl tits” (fair enough…I was writing about dirndls at the time), so I composed a very fast blog entry that said, “I SEE YOU THERE, YOU PERVERTED SACK OF GOAT SPUNK! NAFF OFF!”

  72. I really need to know the answers to these questions now. I thought I was content with my life but these questions have completely blindsided me and now I must know

  73. Nooo! Search terms that lead people to my blog are the best! Well, the best part of stats. Okay, one of the best things. Unless of course, I was The Bloggess – then search terms would totally be my most favorite part of stats. Either way and any way, I say we stage a revolt.

  74. Taking away search terms is a travesty! I love my search term data. Isn’t that the whole reason for starting a blog?

    These cracked me up. Thanks for entertaining me while they last.

  75. I don’t use GA on my blogs, although I should since my blogs are on Blogger which means they are on Google basically…LOL. I wonder what wonderful lines I would find were used to find my blog? I do see some keyword activity on Statcounter, (when it isn’t blocked by the user)…and sometimes it is funny. Your search terms are much more exciting than mine and definitely give me reason to laugh. Thank you for that!!

  76. I’m trying to figure out how to google ‘there’s a face coming out of my wall and when it looks at me I see taxidermied mice and smell booze’ and have it link to you. You better start adding some keywords.

  77. I’m always shocked at the amount of folks that are interested in Linus and his blanket. My blog post on my daughter and her blanket gets hits daily from folks in Germany looking for Linus. Hilarious post, made me smile.

  78. Booze rifle. I’m strangely intrigued. Is this a thing now and if so, will they carry them at Academy in the hunting department? Will I need a background check? What caliber is vodka? So many questions….

  79. Are lounge pants the same as sweat pants? In which case yes, this lesbian wears them.
    I also wear pajama bottoms and yoga pants, all of which I lounge in.

  80. Yes, I love lounge pants. And I love your work. I totally want to hang out with you in real life some day. You writing helps keep mine a little less harpy sounding.

  81. You’re so lucky. I’m still stuck with former soviet-bloc p0rnhunters after half a year of blogging. Mostly Ukrainian. They always leave my site disappointed, I’m sure.

  82. removing keyword search? that is sad.

    my winter project was going to be to come up with weird search terms and see how many i could get to bring me to your blog, just for kicks.

    NOW what will i do?

  83. Do you use WP Stats or Jetpack (which has WP Stats built in)? Those plugins show you search terms, too. Screw Google. They think they own the intarwebz. :/

  84. Very Interesting. I’m like one of the commentators above…. How much alcohol was consumed before they googled

  85. But if google stops the analytics how will there ever be anything better than “how do I make my vagina look bigger in a leotard”? Oh wait: THERE IS NOTHING BETTER THAN THAT SEARCH.

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