This could have been a very sad post, but instead it was just sort of sadly amusing.

Text message from Victor:

And then I called him back, laughing, because it is a rather ridiculous picture and it sort of looks like the forklift is shooting out lasers and then Victor was all pissy because he actually, truly almost did get run over by several forklifts and he was all “I COULD HAVE ENDED UP IN A HOSPITAL.  IT WOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE PAPERS.”

“What?  Man sarcastically taking photos of forklift warnings actually gets run over by a forklift?”  And then I started giggling some more and then Victor hung up.  In his defense, he was probably in shock and was going to find a blanket.

In my defense, I’m not the only asshole in this situation.

Honestly, we belong together.  Mostly because no one else would take us.

195 thoughts on “This could have been a very sad post, but instead it was just sort of sadly amusing.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I almost just got run over by a forklift while reading your post about Victor almost getting run over by a forklift while laughing at a picture of a guy getting run over by a forklift.
    And then a wormhole opened up and swallowed the universe.

  2. It looks to me like the forklift is being repelled by the little man raising his arm. So I guess really bad body odor keeps forklifts away. Who knew?! That’s very helpful information. Thank you Victor.

  3. Hahahhaha! Oh VICTOR. Seriously though, that’s the best newspaper headline ever. Also, if Honey Boo Boo has taught me anything, it’s that not all forklift incidents are fatal. Way to over-react, Victor. Probably the worst that would have happened is having a jacked up toe.

  4. You two kids are just perfect for each other. Except for that whole Republican thing. But if you can look past that, so can we.

  5. My husband works with heavy machinery at a mill. I get texts all the time,
    FYI Hon, walked through acid, may need to undress in the garage.
    Almost got crushed by a Back Hoe, what’s for dinner?
    Lost my hard hat in the industrial sized mixer (Scary blade thing that eats all the things.) Head still attached.

    And the worst thing I face in a day is finger cramps from typing, or an over cooked ham.

    #DomesticBossProblems

  6. LOVE. It almost looks like he’s getting squirted with a water gun.

    Also? That’s exactly the kind of text messages I get from my husband.

  7. So where exactly was Victor if the risk of getting laser beams shot from a forklift needs signage? Totally his fault. Glad he’s ok but even happier when I read a post about the two of you and your conversations.

  8. at first, i thought his text was being supportive and comforting, too. and then i finished reading it. and realized it’s exactly the same type of shit that awesome husband texts to me… except he doesn’t read my blog. so you have that on me, for sure.

  9. That is so totally what would happen to me. I’m definitely the girl would would back up while taking a picture and fall right into the damn ocean at high tide.

    Also, I love that he loves you enough to correct your spelling when you’re down. Priorities ;-p

  10. My sister actually got run over by a cyclist today. For reals. Idiot going to fast on the pavement knocked her a** over teakettle. Luckily, she was helped by a passing motorist and has nothing worse than shock, cuts and bruises.

  11. That totally sounds like something I would do, the forklift thing. I am fantastic at ignoring things getting ready to attack me.

  12. It’s like those signs at Disney World and other amusement parks that are supposed to tell you to keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle but instead look like they mean “no dancing on the ride.” Like someone would really be stupid enough to dance during Big Thunder Mountain. Side note: If someone is stupid enough to do this, please let someone else be smart enough to video it and post it on YouTube so we can all laugh at him… at least until he gets horribly hurt at which point we’ll feel bad for laughing at him but will still chuckle quietly.

    This one looks like it really means that when you are dancing, you should watch out for forklifts. Luckily, I don’t go dancing anymore or I’d be paranoid that a forklift was going to break through the nearest wall Kool-Aid-Man-Style and come at me. It’s also lucky that I don’t go dancing anymore because I’m a pretty bad dancer and I’d be afraid that someone would post a video of me for people to laugh at. But mostly the forklift thing.

  13. Thank you for this.

    Good to know this sign exists, as my VERY ADHD (forgets to breathe without meds) 19 y/o started a new job where he may be required to operate one of those death machines.

    This could help with our legal defense.

  14. Someone really should start offering Almost Sympathy cards for near misses like this very situation.

    “I’m sorry you almost got run over by a forklift.”

    “I’m sorry your favorite aunt almost choked to death on the tequila worm.”

    “I’m sorry you almost set your child on fire trying to use that hair straitening thing you bought after seeing it on a late-night commercial.”

    Those things would sell like hotcakes!

  15. It’s like Maximum Overdrive forklift. With Star Wars attachments. It’s an MST3000 episode in the making. Those guys would have a field day with on-screen Victor.

  16. There’s nothing sadly amusing about this post. It’s hilarious and it also shows a true love story in all it’s glory…you and Victor are perfect for one another.

  17. I had a great uncle get run over by a steamroller. My mom said that thankfully he was standing in sand so it “only deformed him a little.” (said with a strong East Texas accent)

  18. Once I saw an Amish Crossing sign (or whatever it’s called, because it’s not really that they are crossing, like ducklings, but be careful you don’t run over them or whatever) and I though eh, it’s 9pm, no Amish are going to be out here and all of a sudden BOOM I saw an orange triangle and lanterns and beards and I very nearly ran over a horse and buggy. Oops.

  19. Also…the forklift sign…that’s not lasers that is denoting “action” of the forklift tines actually doing the stabby motion into the worker’s armpit.

  20. Whenever my other half + I do something that only the one would ‘get’ I’m reminded of my [late] Grandma who, when she’d talk about any couple who were alike – but who might not seem perfectly ‘normal’ to outsiders – would say this typically down-to-earth and dead-pan line:

    “Well, at least they don’t spoil 2 homes”. Maybe that’s you + Victor too.

  21. I would mention to Victor that his sentence would sound better if it was, “I was taking a picture of this and laughing at how stupid the guy looked when I was nearly run the fuck over by a forklift.” I am sure he would appreciate the correction.

  22. I’m glad he didn’t actually get run over by a forklift. Now tell him to stop being a smartass and check the rest of his 19 text messages. 😉

  23. This totally made my day!

    Not the whole Victor almost got run over by a forklift while taking a picture of the ridiculous sign, obviously (well, maybe a little bit).

  24. HA! The very first thing I thought of was Mystery Science Theater 3000’s Fugitive Alien episode and started singing the Forklift Song (“He TRIED TO KILL ME WITH A FORKLIFT…!”) Now THAT will be stuck in my head all day- THANKS A LOT VICTOR!!!!

    So I’ll be another asshole in this situation… 😉

    Here’s the MST3K video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx7ldTl7txQ

  25. Funny how our soul mates are responsible for both driving us mad and keeping us sane. It’s the best of the best when you truly value each others sarcastic and saddistic ways.

  26. I want to say something humorous about this, but I think Daddy Scratches took care of that in post #2. I don’t think Star Trek could have come up with a better paradox full of universe swallowing goodness.

  27. That Chriss Angel fella has a trick where he gets stabbed by a forklift. Pretty impressive!

  28. Seriously, I know guys who drive forklifts, they all drive full speed and like jerks.
    i also know someone who got run over. It wasn’t good.

  29. Oh no! I’m totally the kind of shithead that would send my husband the text Victor sent you. Note to self…ignore spelling errors when spouse is hurt or upset! He’s lucky you didn’t stab him.

  30. My husband once said to me “I hope you take this as a compliment…but sometimes I know how Victor feels…”

    Um…thanks? No really. Thanks.

    Also, I thought he was trying to calm you down at first too. So soothing…and insulting at the same time.

  31. I always laugh in these sort of situations. I can’t helped myself. It is a nerves thing I think but I also manage to make the situation worse. Hey ho!

  32. I wish you guys could work with me. It doesn’t pay a lot at all. But the random daily hilarity would keep everyone in stitches. In a good way. and… probably the bad way too. 😉

  33. I think Victor takes himself much too seriously. And needs more situational awareness. The worst thing to happen to him is NOT being run the fuck over by a forklift. The worst would be a life without you. But I’m certain he knows that.

  34. Hell, I’d take the both of you!
    Also, I’m the one whose sending you those very real cautionary DM s on Twitter: you really *are* being filmed.

    Love,
    Your Stalker.

  35. I’ve always loved your descriptions of you and Victor. I think they make we laugh and smile the most of your posts.

    Having that someone who seems to “get you” on the silliest level is a real treasure. I have that with my Sex God and after almost 4 years we’re still marveling over the fact that us two incredibly unique/odd people managed to find each other and click so well.

  36. Is it sad that the first thought that went through my head was that the driver’s forks had no business being positioned that high, while driving…. *sign* *signed a former forklift driver. 😉

  37. He dares correct your spelling? Tell him his text should have said “I nearly got run the fuck over by a forklift.” Clearly it was a tense situation…see what I did there? Huh? Do you?

  38. Yeah, I’m the asshole that made the joke about a forklift running over someone only to have one of the participants in my class tell me that it had, indeed, happened at that plant a year before. I get the award for most awkward situation (cpr & 1stAid division).

  39. The forklift training manual where I work has a page that says something about how improper use can lead to injury or death… and has a picture of a little stick figure guy on a gurney. His stick figure wife and child are shown standing next to his body. It’s hilarious and creepy!

  40. Hahahah I love that you said “you’re doing it wrong.” I’m totally going to use that for my husband. He always does it wrong when trying to comfort me! 🙂

  41. I like Jeff’s idea about Almost Sympathy cards. I’ve also been almost run over by a forklift, in Lowe’s, of all places. The driver was zipping along like there weren’t people all over the store. I wanted to throw something at him for being such a speed demon on a machine that can impale someone.

  42. I nearly got skewered by a snowplow with some sort of horrible stabby attachment on the front of it. It slid down off Greek Row in Pullman, WA and careened into the road I was driving on. Fortunately I was up early for Parasitology and there was no one else on the road. Sidenote: I usually refused to enroll in 7:45am classes, but Parasitology was so gross that it kept me awake. Also, the professor brought doughnuts every day.

  43. LOL, you two are absolutely made for each other!

    I’m glad that he didn’t get run over but, boy would that have been totally ironic – man run over by forklift while distracted by a sign warning about getting run over by a forklift. Since he’s okay it’s totally alright to laugh Jenny 😉

  44. Haha! I love it. Our “married” sarcasm would leave another couple in tears in the bathroom all night. We love one upping and being clever, so we really bond with it. I totally understand though, we’re also too settled and broken now to fit with another other human beings. Luckily, CNN is investigating “Men and Their Dolls”, so if I kick it first maybe he can find a Silicone Sally. =) Gross.. Gosh I love my guy, He would totally laugh at that.

  45. How awesome would it be to have the job illustrating these kind of signs? If you look at the particular detail they offer for each unique, calamitous situation (forklifts, tailgates, chemicals in the eyeball) you’re kinda awed by the artist’s glee in assuming the worst possible scenario.

  46. Oh, but I hear forklift deaths are all the rage this year. Would it be open casket? Could we paint tire marks across his forehead? No, Victor, I’m sorry. We ARE glad you lived.

  47. Well, I’m safe from Victor’s brand of abuse because my guy couldn’t spell “SHIT” if he got hit in the head with a paper sack full of it.

  48. Well then, it would appear that you and Victor could totally live in some kind of weird four-way relationship with my husband and me, because that’s exactly how that would happen with us, too 🙂

  49. Funny stuff.

    A couple years ago, I almost ran over a cow with my car…the thing was grazin’ on a gravel road…didn’t even see her until I was roughly 10 feet away from her. Was inches from running her over.

    The rest of the night, I couldn’t quit thinking about what the headlines in the paper would be if I did, in fact, hit the cow and die. Any way you put it, it’s rickdickulous. Even wrote an entry consisting of some of the absurd headlines that came to mind.

  50. Ok… 1. it would have been nicer if we were in fact comforting you. 2. Isn’t it a nice feeling when you realize you are with the right one?

  51. Fate works in mysterious, drunken, truly fucked-up ways, Jenny.
    I’m glad Victor survived. However, if the worst had come to pass, would you have stuffed him and set poor Victor up in the corner of the house somewhere?

  52. I always wanted an ironic death. Getting run over by a forklift while laughing at a forklift safety sign seems as good as any.

  53. I say the same thing all the time.. we’re stuck with each other, because nobody else would have either of us. 🙂 I’m glad Victor’s ok & he can still point out your spelling errors.

  54. Just found your blog (am I only person alive who didn’t know it existed?) and I have to say you crack my shit up! Love it! Followed! Can’t wait to read what’s next!

  55. My work had safety classes for avoiding getting injured by a forklift. The advice boils down to, “Stay the fuck out of the way.” The video they showed us kept demonstrating with a turkey leg what a forklift will do to your various body parts. Four years later and that video is still the high point of working here.

  56. Perhaps you should have texted Victor that the proper wording is “…I nearly got run the fuck over by a forklift.” After all, we don’t want to lower those grammatical standards.

  57. You’re both wrong – the guy in the forklift picture isn’t being hit by a forklift, he’s shooting the forklift driver from the robot guns in his armpits and yelling “Quit trying to run me over, Motherfucker!”

    Self defense, y’all. The sign says “SHOOT IF YOU MUST, Forklift drivers around here are fucking CRAZY.”

  58. Huh. He’s quick to offer constructive feedback but he isn’t quick to take it himself (the sign). That sounds about how I do things too.

    It’s all fun and games until we are stabbed by a forklift.

  59. You should totally watch this german safety video with cut off limbs and decapitated people in it:
    It’s called Gabelstaplerfahrer Klaus which translates to fork lift driver Klaus.

  60. I probably would have done what Victor did, but been run over. That’s hilarious (because he’s not dead, of course).

  61. I think I will print this and take it down to the factory floor. They need a lift.
    (Yes I went there.)

  62. “Honestly, we belong together. Mostly because no one else would take us.”

    I have long said this is the secret to a successful marriage.

  63. My husband loves those “SLOW children at play” signs. Though admittedly he’s never been almost run over by said children.

  64. I saw a forklift this morning (sans warning signs) and it was carrying a scissor-lift cart in his forks. It pulled out on the street suddenly and another guy was running and waving a cloth. It was all very mysterious…

  65. It’s obvious that forklift has a special attachment on it and the forklift driver is just generously applying deodorant on his smelly co-worker, who also happens to be very ticklish.

    These people look out for one another, except people who don’t work there.

  66. The new laser toy in a forklift form, driver sold separately. 🙂
    So funny, Jenny! <3

    Victor seems to be more concern landing in the papers than actually being hit by a forklift.
    You too are perfectly perfect for each other! <3

  67. Hahaha, that’s the kind of shit that would totally happen to me. I have mirror image bruises on my legs because keep running into the elliptical. Coming and going. I don’t seem to learn.

  68. Well, glad Victor didn’t get run over by any giant machinery, but I want to know who designed that sign. And what EXACTLY were they going for. Very very interested in this….

  69. As so many no doubt said of the Tiger and me, “Thank God they found each other.”

    @my fellow MiSTies, “OLE!”

  70. Aw, Victor was almost so sweet!

    So to me, the picture looks like this guy drove a forklift over to the other person, just to squirt him in the chest with water like one of those clown flowers.

  71. “Impaled on a Forklift” would be a great name for a rock band.

    And sound awesome on a headstone.

    Especially if the headstone was shaped like a forklift.

    And went up and down.

    No, that would be a bit creepy.

  72. This same thing happened to me at a Target one beautiful day– I was on my way to a kids birthday party and feeling all glamorous because I spent way too much money buying matching tissue paper/ribbon/bag/card/sticker/God knows what and I was just checking out when I saw a woman with three young kids enter the store. They were fighting over who got to sit in the front of the basket so the weary, defeated mother pulled out THREE BASKETS and proceeded to put each child in one and tried to push it across the produce section. I couldn’t get my phone out fast enough to take a picture of this.
    “This’ll be so great, I can’t wait to post this so we can all laugh together, what an idiot.”
    The next thing I know, my adorable new sandles have decided to introduce my face to the floor and I am watching in slow motion as my iced latte goes flying. The ice crashes to the floor, then I go the way of the ice. Did I mention I was wearing a dress? At that point my soul lifted out of my body and panned around the room like it was trying to win an oscar for best cinematography and I got a good look at the dozens of gaping faces watching me struggling to right myself while scooping the melting ice back in my cop.
    Anyway, point of that is that maybe we should stop taking photos of things we think are stupid. It’s just tempting fate.

  73. Umm. I smell the FOUR relationship breakers creeping in. Criticism. Stonewalling. Defensiveness. Contempt. But cats seem OK. Good ’nuff

  74. I love that your love/marriage is like mine love/marriage – dysfunctional and funny. My therapist told me once, I enjoy the drama that my husband brings me. She was not wrong. I enjoy the drama Victor brings you. Heck, I enjoy you.

  75. Any tweet that begins with “Victor is still alive…” portends an AWESOME story. And so it was.

  76. Stickman is always good for a laugh. To the point that my boyfriend and I always take pictures of the best crazy situations we find him in and text them to each other. So far my favorites have been on a snowblower, pettibone and dumpster.

  77. If I had to chose the fatal freak accident that would usher me into the afterlife, it would.be the Looney Tunes classic falling piano.
    This forklift looks like it traps its hapless victims in a tractor beam before impaling them.
    Glad Victor wad not hurt.

  78. I like Victor even more now. Except maybe the part where he does that “only I can make fun of my relatives” thing but with forklifts.

  79. I find your post funny. You guys are really perfect for each other. But seriously, the forklift knows how to squirt? Or it’s just an imaginative invention?

  80. Next time tell Victor to only look at the signs after having stolen a forlift to drive over to look at the sign. This will ensure the victim of bad driving is someone else!!

  81. This post reminds me of an Alanis Morrisette song. It’s like rain on your wedding day, it’s like taking a picture of a forklift right before it runs over you, it’s like a fly in your chardonnay

  82. In one of my early jobs out of college, I worked in a foundry…there was a forklift with a warning sticker that said, “Avoid Death.”

  83. Love of irony, sarcasm and a warped sense of humor are the three building blocks of any truly great relationship.

  84. If true love doesn’t involve laughing at your significant other’s spelling mishaps and near-fatal forklift accidents, then I don’t want any part of it.

  85. I’m more amazed that Victor has 19 unread texts. Must be ads for Kohls.com or something.

  86. OMG this line is my boyfriend and I ” Honestly, we belong together. Mostly because no one else would take us.”

  87. That would’ve been so freakin’ bizzare….almost like an Inception moment….

    Or just the Universe saying, “So I heard you like people being hurt by forklifts so I decided to have several forklifts try run you over while you are taking a picture of someone getting run through with a forklift!” Sorry, Victor! I suggest you stay away from forklifts for a while….

  88. I must agree that there are situations in life that can give someone something to laugh about in spite of the story behind it! I guess it isn’t really safe to take pictures especially while in a busy street. 🙂

  89. Ok…I am a random stranger on the Net, and do not really KNOW Victor, but, it does worry me a bit that you report he was nearly run over by forklifts (Plural). I really hope that he figured out that forklifts are dangerous after nearly being speared by the FIRST one…and it did not take three misses before it sank in. I have had dealings with some guys that it DID take several interactions like that to figure it out, but, they were Republican, and, I really think that he is brighter than that…
    pleasant dreams
    dave

  90. Glad Victor is ok. We Jews have a concept called Bashert, when two people are meant for each other. You and Victor? BASHERT! Btw, I love reading the comments almost as much as reading your posts. What a fantastic, witty, sarcastic, hilarious, and open group of people! And Daniel J. Hogan made me guffaw and snort with “I’m sure Victor will FORKgive you”.

  91. Is it actually a sign to draw you in by it’s ridiculousness just so that they can get you? Maybe they are zombie forklifts…

  92. @chickenconsigliere, thanks for the reminder that the proper answer to La Morissette’s question “Isn’t it ironic?” is “No. It’s unfortunate. The two words do not mean the same thing.”

    As a comedienne I once heard put it, “Ironic is NOT a black fly in your chardonnay. Ironic is a Scotsman cloning a sheep. Ironic is naming an airport after the President who fired all the Air Traffic Controllers.”

  93. Alert the National Guard! Forklifts can now be used for crowd control because they have lasers, or maybe cattle prods, attached to them. I marvel at how perfect you and Victor seem for each other. I think my husband and I are that closely matched as well, but he refuses to text so I’ll never have proof of our compatibility.

  94. totally happy that victor is ok. for future reference he should stay away from forklift conventions. or Costco. either way.

    and I also thought that he was comforting you. sike!!!

    well played.

  95. Forklifts are dangerous. One time I walked into one of the forks on a forklift that wasn’t even moving. (The idiot running the thing left the forks way up in the air and it was just out of my field of vision.) It poked through my hardhat and cut my head. OK, so I was walking pretty fast and should have been paying more attention, but I got a nifty scar out of it AND reset the “days without a lost-time accident” calendar to zero! Who would have imagined those things were that sharp. But then I also ran into the bucket on a backhoe (again, it wasn’t moving and the bucket was left pointing outward just about forehead level). Another nifty scar and OSHA-reportable accident. So this seems to be a pattern with me.

    But the best story of all – I watched a contractor walking around a job site while studying a very large drawing walk right into a deep ditch… that was clearly identified on the drawing he was holding! We were all like, “He’s not going to walk into that ditch, is he? Hey buddy, watch out for that… Oh, man, someone get a ladder.” Working construction is so much FUN!!!

  96. I’m trying to figure out how to incorporate this into my forklift or dock safety training programs at t he warehouses I work at! Don’t think I can since it has an f-bomb but man do I want to!!!

  97. There is a BBC Sherlock reference and I’m in shock from all the awesome. You can tell by my blanket (which is orange for anti bullying day and because, well, reasons)

  98. Have you ever seen Forklift Driver Klaus? It’s on YouTube, and you should be able to find it subtitled (it’s in German) but if not it’s still ducking funny. The first time I saw it I fell out of my chair and nearly peed myself laughing; the second time I saw it I laughed so hard I nearly killed myself with an asthma attack.. And every time I see it it’s hysterical.

    But if you don’t want to watch poor Klaus and his hapless forklift problems, well…no. You should just watch it. I’d link you but I am on my phone and it doesn’t even want to let me swear properly.

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