Confusing things I’ve taken pictures of, part 976:

“Hand impregnation” sounds cold and baffling enough, even before you add shoes to the equation.

Victor says it’s actually some sort of pudding that keeps shoes waterproof, but I’m pretty sure that I’d rather just wear flip flops than have to impregnate my shoes by hand.  It’s a personal choice.  No  judgement.

136 thoughts on “Huh

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Please note the warning….Do not hand impregnate in front of a roaring romantic fire! I am impressed by your sensible footwear choices Jenny. 😀

  2. And if your shoes get near a flame, then you’re in trouble?

    The visual I get from the phrase “hand impregnation” makes me cringe. And cross my legs.

    Man, the whole thing makes me uncomfortable!

  3. Apparently it makes your shoes waterproof AND flammable. Which some might consider a design flaw. Unless you want your shoes to burn in the rain. And really, who wouldn’t want that?

  4. That just seems so wrong……

    Question: how many months do you have to wait for the “big day” after you’ve hand-impregnated your shoes? I’ve never had pregnant shoes before

  5. The really rough bit about hand impregnation is when your hand’s water breaks.

    And when they said, “you have no gf enjoy your hand,” I thought they were only kidding…

  6. If you impregnate your shoes then you are stuck with them for life – no matter how annoying and uncomfortable they make everything. It’s just not worth it.

  7. Is this in a museum? I love weird bits of history like this. They show us that people lived differently in the past, and things we consider weird they considered normal.

  8. But would you want your shoes waterproofed if they burst into flame every time you walked past a heater vent?? Somehow that just seems counter-productive…don’t it???

  9. Anyone else dying to know about the OTHER 100 confusing things she’s taken pictures of? I feel like I’m missing out.

  10. I swear I had a can of this during the 60’s, when I used to order all kinds of odd military surplus garm. (Hint: a Browning Automatic Rifle ammunition belt nicely holds a six-pack). Smelled weird. Don’t remember if anyone actually ever rubbed it on their boots.

    That’s not a random comma, by the way — the Army labels things as though Yoda was their head quartermaster. “Shirt, Men’s, Field”. Top down, their terms are.

  11. I’m more put off by the high cost of shoe impregnating than anything else…does that tag say $20?

  12. That comma would seem to imply that “impregnite, shoe” isn’t the only variety of “impregnite”. I’m not going to think about what other everyday objects have gone in for the treatment.

  13. My shoes always look pregnant after I eat too much salt. Well, it’s my swollen feet, technically. The shoes are like the too-tight pants. For my feet. My feet pants… Yeah.

  14. im·preg·nate
    [v. im-preg-neyt, im-preg-neyt; adj. im-preg-nit, -neyt] Show IPA verb, im·preg·nat·ed, im·preg·nat·ing, adjective verb (used with object) make pregnant; get with child or young. fertilize. cause to be infused or permeated throughout, as with a substance; saturate: to impregnate a handkerchief with cheap perfume.

  15. I had no idea that I could have been a shoe breeder. Who doesn’t want free adorable little baby shoes? …Or maybe I could invest in a pair of designer shoes, and then sell their offspring on E-bay.

    This has become a little dark.

  16. I’d like to see the Product catalogue from the manufacturer—I’m picturing this:

    Impregnite, Handkerchief
    Impregnite, Koala
    Impregnite, Shoe
    Impregnite, Woman
    Impregnite, Wombat

  17. On second glance, I’m enjoying the worry that having impregnated my shoes with something highly flammable, they will then be waterproof, so if I *DO* stand too close to a fire, HOW WILL I EVER PUT THEM OUT?

  18. So, have you set fire to a can of Impregnite, Shoe yet? To see what happens? You know, for science?

  19. I’m quite baffled that no one seems to know about impregnating shoes. I haven’t seen it in this form, it’s usually a spray, but the idea of impregnating (waterproofing) shoes isn’t uncommon.

    Then again, your way is more fun. Carry on.

  20. That can is totally overpriced. You can get that stuff on eBay for like 5 bucks. You never know when you’re going to be faced with liquid vesicants after all.

  21. Completely off topic, but this happened this morning… and well, it made me think of you.

    I was reading your mostly true memoir (I’m sorry it took so long, but I live in the middle of the cornfield, which is similar to living under a rock, only more windy) and I came to your overdosing on Ex-lax story.

    And then I HAD to poop.

    Which got me thinking. Does reading about pooping always make you have to poop? Because if so, you and I may have stumbled onto the cure for a lot of really grumpy people.

    To bring things back on topic, I bet ingesting some of that Impregnite Shoe would make you have to poop since it’s probably petroleum based (and thus flammable), or maybe it would have the reverse effect since it’s talking about impregnating and I seem to remember reading that pregnant ladies get constipated a lot.

  22. I’ve heard of being pregnant with ideas, but I don’t want my shoes – or my feet – pregnant. Guess my kink runs in a different direction.

  23. I’d be leery. The cans look like the kind sterno comes in. I wouldn’t want my shoes to ignite during or after impregnation.

  24. That would be a lot cheaper than shoe shopping. Do they sell that here?
    I agree with Sarah – it’s probably shoe polish.
    But shoe polish that makes more shoes.

  25. Wait, a pudding to keep your shoes dry? Who puts pudding on your shoes? And how does pudding lead to “shoe impregnation”? Somehow I missed that “birds and the bees” lesson. (“When a mommy shoe and a daddy shoe like each other very much…”)

  26. I saw a picture of a woman in a red dress today and thought about you and your photo shoot in the park.

  27. Can you imagine the conversation, when they were deciding what to NAME their new product?

    “I know! Let’s call it something really catchy. Something that will inspire half our customers to buy this out of curiousity, yet REPEL the other half into buying some other product that will not look embarrassing, sitting on their closet shelf.”

    Maybe they had a simple can of “SHOE POLISH” sitting next to it, and it was like a marketing test or something. Oh, for a hidden camera on that shelf…

  28. Am I the only one who watches American Horror Story: Coven and thought, “Bring me 2 ounces of your husband’s Baby Gravy.” No? Ok then.

  29. Is it a sin after impregniting a shoe to abort the process that could lead to baby shoes? I mean, do shoes have soles?
    And what do you get if you cross a Doc Martin with a flip-flop? Is there some kind of shoe apartheid that prevents this ever happening? These are important social issues, people. We need legislation – and shoe polish, we must have shoe polish.
    Oh, and can sling-back mules even breed?

  30. You only feel that way about your shoes because you don’t live any place where winter is serious. I hand impregnate all my leather boots and shoes every fall. If only they would then reproduce without me having to purchase them some relatives…

  31. My brain has been chewing on this since I read it this afternoon. Why would you impregnate shoes that you want to be impregnable? Talk about mixed messages. This is exactly the kind of thing Robin Thicke is talking about in that song “Blurred Lines.”

  32. Sadly, the first thing I noticed was that they used what looks like Futura Font Family *facepalm*

    excuse me while I go trip over my geek that is hanging out

  33. Oh, for heaven’s sake, everyone . . . it’s just military-issue grease to waterproof combat boots and help keep you from getting wet feet and maybe trench foot.

  34. One question: Where do you shop?

    I do manage to find two-headed goats and shrunken heads – but never anything odd/confusing/weird for sale. I’m pretty sure we live within a couple hours of each other.

  35. How in the HECK does one work the word “impregnite” into daily convo? I will try this in the morning with my fellow co-workers. Can’t wait! T:)

  36. This is far too amusing to me because one of my favorite bands of all times is called “Shoes”. And this would be the best / most embarassing thing to post to their Facebook wall….

  37. So what ? You’ve been trying to impregnate a cow using your hand, don’t you remember ? Anything can be impregnated by using hands like cows, shoes, old friends, you name it.

  38. Thank you for giving me another reason not to visit Australia….

    First reason on my “why the fuck would I want to go there??” list was them having spiders the size of Chevy pick-up trucks. Second, they are home to ONE HUNDRED species of venomous snakes – which along with the truck spiders, and the myriad of other Australian animals that can either kill you or make you wish you were dead, completes my nightmare quite nicely.

    And now, hand-shoe porn.

  39. Greetings and Salutations…
    It is, indeed, a gel (of sorts) that not only waterproofs leather boots, but, is designed to keep chemical agents from penetrating to the wearer’s skin. For what it is worth, it used to be made with Mink Oil…which, by the by DOES come from real minks. it is a mixture of rendered fats from the skin, and, the contents of the scent glands at the base of the animal’s tail….

  40. appropos of nothing….
    My Mom & Dad loved the whole “thanks for the memories” schtick that Bob Hope & Bing Crosby did.
    And then I had to go get my first bra.
    Thongs for the mammaries.
    Scarred for life I tell you, scarred for life.

  41. I just realized that *I* follow you. So I guess I’m weird, random, and odd. Who knew? (besides everyone who has ever met me.)

  42. If this makes your shoes waterproof and flammable at the same time, if they were to catch on fire, how would you put them out?

  43. Query: If your hand and your show got together, what would their children look like?

  44. But if you were willing to impregnate by hand, you might benefit from the creation of little shoes in the future…might cost less than having to buy them. I wonder what the shoe gestation period is, and do boots take longer than flipflops do?

  45. My brother was a quartermaster. He’ll love the comment that the army names everything like Yoda is their quartermaster.

  46. Now I’m imagining a shoe giving birth to hundreds a of tiny baby human hands? Huh. Maybe the other way round.

  47. I’d HAVE to buy that just to leave out on the counter in the bathroom for when family members you don’t like come over and search your bathroom for stuff…

  48. I.. um… do you have to by the shoes a drink first?
    Is it something that is done in public spaces?
    Do you feel the need to have to shoo the cats out of the room lest they spy you impregnating a shoe?
    How does the shoe feel about this?

    Soo many questions.

  49. I was going to go for the obvious here, the creep thought of impregnating your shoes. But can I just add, How in the world is anyone getting that can opened?? My can opener would melt at the sight of that can. Or do you open it like my camp counselors would open the Hawaiian Punch, by just punching two holes in and letting gravity take over?

    *My brain isn’t right, I know.*

  50. It looks like it opens like a paint can, so I’d say pry the lid off with a screwdriver.
    Hmmm… I seem to be out of orange juice.

  51. So if your shoes are pregnant do you get a Patent-turnity Test? (for Patent Leather Shoes).
    Does the man become the Alwedged Father?
    Will you always have twins (since shoes come in pairs)?

    I am 100% sure this is where the whole “Having a Soul/Sole”- thing came in.
    and we won’t even talk about Spinal Taps! See? Shoes again.
    This all makes complete sense to me.

    These and many pregnant shoe related questions are swirling in my head. Thanks a lot. I need to get back into the studio and work.

    Loves you!

    Dr Brassy

  52. Where in the hell do you find this stuff? This can looks “vintage,” which is a nice way of saying it looks like somebody slapped a new label on an old can of Sterno.

  53. If you impregnite your shoes and it’s burning – pretty sure your shoes are dirty and you need some penicillin… 😉

  54. Impregnation here means to blockade the pores of the leather. It was kinda funny a term. The grease was actually used on roughout boots, in which the side of the leather used for the boots was reversed. There is a document online, declassified, from Aberdeen, talking about the ingredients. Doesn’t seems to be much poisonous.
    I’ve used this stuff. Fairly effective waterproofing. It can even be buffed to a light shine. Light coatings will always be a lot more effective.

Leave a Reply