So this week I did a keynote address at the Texas Conference for Women. The other keynote speakers were all uber-professional and awesome, and one was a nobel peace laureate, and they all said very important, inspirational things. And then I got on the stage and panicked and decided to do a reading from my book about the time I got my arm stuck up a cow’s vagina. In my defense though, I’m me, so it wasn’t like they didn’t know they were getting into, and surprisingly few people actually walked out. I suspect the few who did walk out probably just had cow vagina phobia (I feel ya, sisters) but then later I realized it might have been for another reason altogether. Very sweet friends sent me photos of myself on stage and some of them made me look almost professional:
Then my friend Laura sent me pictures from the back. After the fifth one I had noticed they all had one similarity:
You might not notice from the picture, but after looking at a series of them all I can see is what appears to be my right nipple escaping from my shirt.
And I know it’s not my nipple because I’m about to turn 40 and my nipples weren’t that perky even when I was 20. In fact, I’d almost be proud if that was an accidental nip-slip, because who wouldn’t be impressed with nipples that are so perky they seem to be reading the book along with me? Answer: Professional conference attendees staring at a possible wonky nipple during a 20-minute diatribe about cow vaginas.
Let me assure you, it was not my nipple. I suspect it was shadow of the circular microphone on the podium, but now I’m worried that thousands of women think I was intentionally showing off my one good nipple. I would never do that, y’all. Because I’m a lady.
And now that I’ve straightened that out (or possibly made it much, much worse) I’m going to change the subject to tell you that I just opened a box from my editor and it was filled with my book in Portuguese. I think. I’m not good with languages. But as an early Christmas/Hanukkah present I’m going to give away signed Portuguese copies to a few random commenters. Why would you even want this? I have no idea. But I guarantee that you’ll be the only one with one.
