Cats never get insomnia, the furry bastards.

An open letter to cats:

A series of pictures of Hunter S. Thomcat:

Meanwhile, I tossed and turned for three hours last night before finally falling into a light sleep that lasted for the almost ten seconds it took you to “inadvertently”  walk on my face enough to wake me back up completely.

This is exactly why people hate you guys.  Because you rub it in.  Well, it’s probably not the only reason, but it certainly can’t help.  Please at least pretend to be bleary and miserable every once in awhile.  Or share your hidden stash of sleeping pills.  Whichever.  We’re flexible.


Everyone in the whole world

169 thoughts on “Cats never get insomnia, the furry bastards.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I confuse my cat by sleeping deeply and snoring. She seems to think that this is some kind of extra-loud purring and comes to investigate what’s making me so happy.

  2. Dear GI Jane [my new kitten]: The fact that you mewl horrendously while stumbling around the house like you’re drunk whenever you wake up does not, in fact, mean that the world will stop so you can wipe the kitty-sleep out of your eyes and attack it. It just makes me hate you a little more. Especially because it’s so fucking cute.

  3. sometime, you should watch a cat after it has licked an ice cube. It will make you feel better. Cats with brain freeze are hilarious.

  4. I thought this was going to be a “Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil, See No Evil” reference before I read any of the words. Further proof that words matter! :3

  5. Oh god, my husband has your back there! We have four cats and an infant, there is constantly a furry or furless someone waking him up. One of the arguments against having a small zoo in your house I guess. But they’re awfully cute when you’re awake 😉

  6. My cat only sleeps while I’m working and spends the entire night running from one end of the house to the other “on important business.” She’s asleep right now, the asshole.

    God, I love her.

  7. On the bright side, I’ve discovered that when my cat sticks his whiskers up my nose at 3AM I can levitate.

  8. Which is why I love my black labrador – he sleeps in even longer than I do, moaning and groaning and stretching, like he’s doing doggie yoga. Then he goes bounding out into the snow, thinking it’s the best thing in the world. Then he comes bounding inside, thinking the food in his bowl is the best thing ever. Then he thinks saying goodbye every morning is the best thing ever.

    And then he sleeps all day long. How do I get a job like that? LOL!

  9. I’ve definitely seen my cat bleary eyed.

    Sometimes when I come home from work she’ll come out, hair all sideways and disheveled, squint at me and then turn back to the bedroom. Poor thing doesn’t like her beauty rest being disturbed.

  10. They can’t help it. They know they have the life. The only part of cat life I don’t want any part of is pooping in a box. I don’t think I could talk myself into that.

  11. My 2 wait until I’m asleep and need to roll over to come lay on my body somewhere. Then act put out when I move. Sorry Jennie cat, my bed…my rules. *Not really though.

  12. Get rid of the cat and get a greyhound instead. It won’t help you get to sleep any better, but they won’t walk on your face. Unless you are face up in the gutter. In which case you have more pressing problems than insomnia 😀 Absolutely LOVED your book 🙂

  13. One more reason why I can’t live with cats, besides the fact that I am completely allergic to them!

  14. I have a 13 year old dog who’s the same way. Then when you call her she opens one eye then goes back to sleep as if she’s secretly calling you a bastard for waking her.

  15. I did not sleep well myself last night. Woke up at 2AM WIDE awake and tossed and turned. About 4AM as I was finally drifting off Willa (furry friend who sleeps with me on occasion) starts making that hurking sound right next to me and then proceeds to decorate my comforter with a giant assed hair ball.

    Dear Willa, Iloveyoutoo. Mom.

  16. Funny, just last night I wake up at 2:30 in morning only to find that there is absolutely no room in the bed for me. I had one cat at my feet and another so close to me on the other side that the only way I could sleep was in the fetal position. I got up and went to the bathroom and those two were put out that I moved the covers and the bed. Such is the life of a cat owner I guess.

  17. I woke up at 3:00 AM! We should have skyped and shared cat videos. yawn
    By the way, I mentioned you in my Twitter post which will be listed under my comment. 🙂

  18. Comment 10 made me laugh out loud.

    Dogs aren’t really much better. I’ve been awakened in the night by a paw in the face because she stretched. Or at 5 am with a nose in my face on a Saturday because, like, shouldn’t you be up by now?

  19. My cat waits until I’m asleep and will ever so softly bite the end of my nose. I’m not sure what she means by it but honestly, I’m a little scared.

  20. I’ve seen Arnold-the-cat sleepy – it’s as if I inadvertently woke him up… he’s all groggy-eyed and disoriented looking. It’s pretty cute. I once had a dream that I was standing in line at the DMV and the man behind me kept tickling my back with his beard. Woke up and found Audrey-kitty tickling me with her foofy tail.

  21. I think it’s the kitty pot. My Boo Boo is an addict. After having all of our parts stepped on at night, my husband and I decided to close the door. This works OK during the week, but on weekday mornings Andre bangs on the door to alert us that the son is up. This is why I never had a second child.

  22. My late cat used to curl up on my head like a fuzzy hat when she slept, and ehrb she wanted me to wake up, she’d stand on my windpipe until I woke up due to lack of oxygen. Is it weird that I miss that?

  23. Last night I half woke up to my husband trying to talk our cat into not laying on my face, which lasted about 5 seconds before I found myself suffocating under kitty belly.

  24. We close the bedroom door to lock the cats out. I miss them, but I don’t miss the constant midnight noises. Sidenote Jenny, I think you should run around the house randomly making high-pitched loud noises every time you find a cat sleeping.

  25. It only works like that if they are sitting on a book (see the picture). Same for me last night: I fell asleep for a minute while reading in bed, then couldn’t fall asleep when I put the book down and turned out the light.

  26. open letter to insomniacs,

    you are so obviously doing everything wrong. we could tell you how to do it right, but then we’d have to kill you (in your sleep).


    cats everywhere

  27. This is why I have a dog. She sleeps 20+ hours a day near as I can tell. But she’s very discreet about it. She’s doesn’t rub it in that I have to go out in -12F weather to earn a living so she can have her fancy dog food and cookies. I like that about her.

  28. I watched this happen with a friends’ cat last night. One minute, back flips & somersaults at the feather thingee. 2 minutes later, a curled up ball of dead weight purring. Amazing really.

  29. Cats = assholes. They either sit on your face or laugh at you when you wake up in the middle of the night and trip over them. They swipe at you for trying without success to extract your leg from under them when your sleeping. But gotta lurv them 🙂

  30. my one cat, Lily Mae, decides my head/face are her pillow in the middle of the night. It’s adorable until I can’t breathe. Our other cat, Baby, lives to get between my husband and I in bed. He loves us both…but we are not supposed to touch apparently.
    Cats are dicks….who make our lives better…by teaching us humility.

  31. We had to kick the cats out of the bedroom it got so bad. Which makes me feel horrible so they are allowed in on weekends. Who needs sleep right?

  32. I often lie awake listening to my husband and my dog fall immediately
    to sleep and happily snore away

  33. That’s why cat’s suck. Not just cats though, pets in general. Sleep whenever they want, but if you try to sleep, they wake your ass up. If I doze off on the couch, my dog will poke his nose in my face. Scares the shit out of me every time. Bastard.

  34. I may have been known to have randomly woken up my cat during the day hoping she would sleep more at night. I’m pretty sure I was taking my life into my hands.

  35. Sometimes when mine has annoyed me just that bit TOO much at night, I will wake them up from one of their many (continual!) daytime naps. Turn about, you little twit!

  36. Cats really are jerks like that. “oh, you can’t sleep? Let me eat your hair. I am sure that will help.” “No? Hope about I bite your nose?” “Still not sleeping? Well, I’m tired now, good night.”

  37. I had a cat when I was in high school that was my alarm clock. He even had a “snooze” setting based on increasingly annoying behaviors to wake me up. Beginning with jumping on my stomach, to kneading it, then it was launching himself from my face to climb the window screen above the bed. If that failed his last resort would be to drop down back on to my chest and and tap me on the nose with one claw extended. I was never late for school.

    Unfortunately, he did not distinguish between school days and weekends.

    I miss that cat.

  38. My cat is bleary and miserable on a fairly regular basis, but then he is about 16 years old so I guess he’s entitled to be.

  39. Have you seen the video on FB of a kitten waking up from a bad dream w/airplane ears? I’m not sure of proper protocol so left a link for you in the reply website field. Little dude looks like he should have Bloggess curlers in his hair.

  40. I used to be that way. I could sleep like a coma in the middle of recess. Motherhood took care of that for me. Now my body is like, “Sleep? Yeah right, you will clonk out for 5 minutes before a kid needs something like a juice, a blanket, a bottle, a nightmare, hit the play button, find my stuffed animal I just had in my hands when you went to bed and I swear I didn’t move I was just laying here the whole time…” Yeah for years, my kids slept in shifts. At least a cat, you can kind of gently throw it off the bed (they always land on their feet it’s ok).

  41. Isn’t HST the one who had the drug problem (and the Tardis blue claws) when he was younger? I vaguely recall a pic of him hugging a pill bottle.

    Not sure which is worse…cat walking across you while you sleep or 150lb dog slamming his body into the end of the bed regularly (feels like a goddamned earthquake: he shakes the whole bed) to wake us up. I may have to with cat walking on this one: the dog can’t walk across my face while I sleep.

  42. Insomnia sucks. Lately, my insomnia has been doing this weird thing where I’m really sleepy, and so I’ll nod off, but like 10 seconds into it, I’ll rather violently jerk back awake.This can happen on the upwards of hundreds of times before I’ll actually get to sleep. I have no idea why this is happening, but I live in a town that is about the most backwards place for mental health care ever, and every time I try to get someone interested in my case, I think I scare them off, but the nearest place that looks like it might be able to help me is in Tuscaloosa, which is several hours away. Why can’t we just have these kind of appointments over Skype? It’s not like the psychiatrist or therapist has to poke my tummy or look in my ears or something.

  43. This series of pictures could basically be my dad. To make it worse he can decide to go to sleep, he doesn’t even need to be sleepy.

  44. I’ve never had a cat, but I’d venture to say that this is one of those reasons people who believe in reincarnation choose to come back as a cat.

  45. Yup. Typical cat. My cat Mozer used to nuzzle my face to wake me up. One morning I was taking too long so he turned and I nearly kissed his little bung hole. Fucker. I loved him.

  46. I love my cats. But there are nights when I hate both of the cats and my husband! While I lay awake all night unable to sleep, the three of them are all star fished out and snoring!

  47. Yes. I wonder why it is that the route my cat Tigger takes to go look out the window at invisible things only he can see at 3 a.m. involves walking on my head. Every time. I have a big fat head – you’d think he’d avoid a big fat speed bump like that.

  48. One of the cats woke hubby in the night once so in revenge he woke the cat up all day long every chance he got. It turns out cats need all that sleep they get. The cats looked completely bleery and miserable.

  49. When, I mean IF, I snore I get smacked in the face for it. Thankfully to AmbientCR I can sleep through just about anything. Have slept through everything so far so still waiting on the anything. Although cat fighting on top of you and including you in their swipes with claws and teeth will make me roll over. Learned the hard way not to put my hand into the middle of it, because it will come away bitten. I don’t think they were fighting at all I think it was just their way of making sure I was awake!

  50. I had the worst sleep last night, too! I had two cats trying to sleep between/beneath my legs. One of them was feeling down and the other was his protective brother, so how could I bring myself to kick them out the room? I tried moving on of them to the other side of the bed but he ended up back beneath my legs. I am such a cat pushover.

  51. Ours used to sit outside our bedroom door and howl. She now sleeps in the laundry room….on the other side of the house. Ah peace.

  52. Our second cat, Rags, will sleep ANYWHERE. His favorite place is on top of a plastic bag filled with yarn. He also sleeps on his back, which is too too cute. Cats.

  53. I had a brutal emotional dream yesterday morning, after which I awoke shaking violently and crying. (Fun!)
    I sat up, and all 4 kitties were staring at me. No solace was offered, they curled up in various sprawls across the room and promptly went to sleep.
    Either they were showing me how to sleep or rubbing it in that I have issues sleeping.

  54. Claire (comment #64) email me I have a number for you to call that may be a Skyping therapist…

  55. My cat, Theodore “Teddy” J. Fitzcatrick, likes to wake me up to demand food. And he can be very demanding, like cats can. On the rare occasions I cave in, he has to herd me to the kitchen, head butting me all the way. And when I give him food, he promptly ignores it and walks into the living room.

  56. I can almost hear the purr in that last picture.
    I miss having cats, thoughtless bastards that they are, so I have this amazing book of cat pictures I get out when I miss the fuzzy so and sos. It’s not all cute cats being fluffy and posing for calendars, it’s a portrait of …I think Norwegian Cathood (though I may have the country wrong), and there’s farm cats, and elderly people’s companions, and cats stalking random stuff, and one sat on a horse. It’s marvelous. It’s called ‘the essential cat’.

    I appear to be randomly sprouting Stuff about cats, sorry. I’m clearly drunk on tiredness. I blame next door’s cat.

  57. Even worse, the other night I laid in bed for hours with insomnia. Just as I FINALLY fell asleep my cat had a sudden very loud sneeze right next to me. Not only does he fall asleep at the drop of a hat but he’s also a scheming asshole.

  58. Claire #64- Sounds like sleep apnea. Get tested if you haven’t before. Very dangerous, long term and not too hard to fix. Get a sleep qualified dentist to make you a mouthpiece. Works for me.

    We had a cat that would decide he wanted you up and would sit on your (my) chest and bat you on either cheek until you woke up claws carefully and fully retracted. Also would nip (gently but firmly) if you were petting him and stopped before he had enough.

  59. It should be illegal for moms to get insomnia. It’s just wrong. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG. I hope you get a nap!

  60. I have had guests who have asked if I owned a large dog. To which I replied ” No small cat” and “close your door when you go to sleep tonight, as the guest room is part of his loop and he will definitely launch himself off your head at 3am”
    He would also stalk around the house all night complaining loudly at the lack of attention. Miss him all the time.
    A friend once observed that I should maybe just leave my laptop off during the day and on at night considering that was his favorite sleep spot.

  61. It took me two hours to fall sleep last night. Then I had a conversation with my fiance that amounted to, Me: “You have trouble falling asleep, too?” Him: “Yeah. I haven’t fallen asleep yet.” Me: Him:

    In the morning I mentioned his trouble falling asleep. Turns out that he was asleep for that whole conversation. Not only did we have a coherent conversation with him asleep, but he LIED. The bastard.

  62. When I see my cat Beep all asleep and content looking, I say to my boyfriend (who is new to cats, and is Beep’s new best friend), “Look. Don’t you just want to GET HIM??” BF says “Awww, look how happy he is. Why do you want to bug him?” BF doesn’t get it yet, does he, folks?

  63. One cat snores with a very sweet sound and the other sometimes sleeps in my bed and I squash it when I turn around. I used to think in the mornings that I had a dead cat beneath my back but he was very warm and comfortable…

  64. I’ve had cats all my life and, as a result, honestly can sleep through just about anything they do (except horking — I always wake up when I hear horking, like when you hear your kid barfing during the night). But my husband is far more sensitive, so guess who the cat picks to launch herself onto at 2:00 a.m. from her cat tree right onto his family jewels? Then she yells at him for not being more accommodating to her, and since she has a voice like a foghorn that completes the process of waking him up. When she’s all done, she comes and curls up next to me, and I wake up to a sweet, innocent kitty sleeping with me and am always surprised at the tales of her middle-of-the-night activities. Cats are smart. 🙂

  65. Our watch-cat takes her responsibilities very seriously, and when the raccoons are out foraging all night or the Santa Ana winds blow and bang around the house, she keeps watch out the windows around the house while we sleep because she thinks we’re incompetent idiots. The next day, she sleeps deeply and often through mealtimes. That is the price of vigilance.

  66. Dear Patches (my crazy 15-year-old kitty): Running down the hall full-tilt and then jumping right on my gut while I am asleep is not an acceptable wake up call. Also, please stop falling asleep so hard that you fall off my lap and onto the floor. It kinda freaks me out. <3 Me

  67. BTW, my husband says that a 1/4 dose of Zzquil liquid puts him under quickly. I have chronic exhaustion, so falling asleep is not usually my problem. I can fall asleep sitting up at breakfast.

  68. I like to tell myself that watching a cat sleep is just as good as sleeping. It’s not true, but I like to tell myself that.

  69. Mattie will fall asleep anywhere. I have found her in the middle of the hall laying on her back with all four feet in the air snoring so loud I’m afraid she may suck the paint off the walls.

  70. The best revenge is to tickle their ear-hair as they’re sleeping like that. That’ll learn ’em!! ; )

  71. I used to like cats until several years ago, when my family had to live with my cousin for a while and her devil-possessed nightmare of a cat made it part of his daily routine to piss on at least one of our possessions. And always managed to choose something that was absorbent.

  72. Yep. One of mine will pet herself with any spare part I have hanging out. Or rest her head on my hand with her wittle paw on me… awwwww! Even in the dark I know it is the cutest thing you’ve ever seen (or not seen) All the way up until I want to roll over. or move. Then I am stuck because I don’t want to disturb her. She is such a bad kitty and I love her so very much. Human mind control accomplished.

  73. My wife tells me I snore. Sparky, the older-by-one-month of our two males, has seasonal allergies, and also snores. Either because of congestion, or in imitation of Mister Alpha. Either way, he’s adorable. This is also the cat that insists on climbing into the legs of my pants when I get home, take them off, and leave them on a couch. We still haven’t decided how to interpret that one…

  74. All these replies really make me miss my cat, who passed away in May 🙁 He used to sleep through the night, thank god – at first wrapped around my head like a turban, purring loudly (there’s nothing quite like feeling as though your brains are in a blender as you’re trying to sleep), and then curled up right between my knees. When I came into possession of a stray lab who thought all furry creatures smaller than her were food, the cat went to live with my parents, and the dog took over bed-hogging duties. I now have two furry, four-legged canine creatures, one of which loves to wake me up with a nose in my face promptly at 7am. Last year we mandated no more animals on the bed (180 lbs of dog plus a boyfriend make for cramped quarters lol), but I realized that I actually slept better with the dogs curled up next to me. Now, the boyfriend has taken to laying super close to me until I fall asleep. It’s totally ridiculous. And I blame each and every one of the critters…

  75. When my last cat was a kitten, she used to sleep curled up on my cheek (my face, not my ass) and draped across my neck like a scarf. I couldn’t sleep, but I couldn’t move either because then I’d be the asshole disturbing the poor sick kitty. She was the asshole.

  76. This morning, my lovely, sweet cat got up on the bed at 7am, sneezed directly in my face about 6 or 7 times (complete with mucus and everything), and then couldn’t figure out why the heck I was irritated.

  77. It seems to be less about insomnia for me than that my body is set on New Zealand time. No hobbit jokes.I fall asleep without too much struggle- if I wait until 4-6am. The rest of my time zone seems to persistently seek to be sure to wake me at 8am. This gets old. I did finally find something non-prescription that helps, but I’m aware my relief can make me sound like a paid rep: I am not. It’s called Neuro Sleep, it’s a drink I find in grocery stores. Half a bottle and I get that delicious drowsy thing in about 15 minutes. I didn’t even expect it to work, but tried it anyway, and getting the sleep nods right away almost shocked me back to alertness- almost! There are 5 active ingredients, one is melatonin, though that never worked for me on its own. My mom says is helps her “6 out of 7 times” but it works every time for me. Every time, can you even imagine? Bliss. Being intimately familiar with that frustrated-to-tears feeling of not being able to sleep, now I’m just crossing my fingers that this stuff doesn’t get discontinued.

  78. Ooh, I miss our cat! She was excellent to sleep with most of the time – she actually stayed alseep most of the night and didn’t try to wake us up if she woke up. She mostly slept curled up in the bend of my waist as I lay on my side. The only downside was that rolling over was a massive undertaking of holding up the bedding and shuffling around then carefully putting it down again so she was in the right place on the other side of me.

    Hint for cat owners – we trained her not to nag for food by feeding her at completely random times during the day and night instead of as soon as we woke up and as soon as we got home. Also, she didn’t seem too be as food orientated as some cats so maybe we got lucky.

  79. Mine licks my face between 3-3:30am until I foolishly open an eye-commence howling! Did you know cats really do land on their feet all the time, even when launched 23 feet off a bed?

  80. Oh Jenny…the demographics of your readership are most definitely skewed toward cat lovers (aka gluttons for punishment). My own critters think you’re hilarious though, and they forgive you for your blasphemy.

  81. Which is why our cats sleep in their own room. Closed door. Srsly. Cats are nocturnal and I am sleep deprived and crabby. Not a good combo in any scenario. Sleep. So very important.

  82. Sorry. This is why I am 100% a dog person. This is just one more reason to not care for cats. I don’t think I can deal with an animal that not only never suffers from insomnia, but rubs it in my face. It’s bad enough that my brain kept me awake for over an hour last night trying to convince me that my dog was going to die during surgery to remove his tumor today. He didn’t, but it sure tried to get me to believe he was going to do so. Stupid brain. At least it attempted to make up for it by not waking me up every hour on the hour starting at one. It let me go every two hours last night. 🙂

  83. you could totally get even with them- when you see them asleep during the day, wake their asses up!

  84. This is why my husband insisted on a king size mattress when we had to replace the queen size. “Bucky always sleeps between us now. I’m getting squished.” Not like he could move the cat out of the way or anything. I’ll let you know when we have to upgrade to the California.

  85. I suck at math, but I remember something along the lines of “if A=B and B=C, then A=C.” All this to say, cats can fall asleep anytime, anywhere. Men can fall asleep anytime, anywhere. Ipso facto (I have ALWAYS wanted to say that) men are cats.

  86. Yep, one of the many reasons I am not a fan of cats.
    I get it that some people like them, and I can tolerate other people’s cats, but they just aren’t for me.
    Having said that, we had several cats (not usually at the same time) when I was a kid, and even had a cat that had a couple of litters, and I remember bringing a stray kitten home once.
    I’m a dog person, and will be taking delivery of a retired racing greyhound in the next few days; I know there is a lot more work cleaning up after them and taking them for walks, but cats just have a smugness about them that I find too irritating, and from what I can see, they wear their smugness with pride so they are smugproud. Bastards.

  87. Uhhm, dogs and cats – if they condescend to live with you and they will try to control the space. My rescue Rottie pups sneak into bed and move me around – nudge, nudge and then I am hanging out.

  88. Once I kept my cat Scarecrow awake all day by playing with him. I completely wore him out by using a feather wand for several hours. He started looking tired after about three hours of play, and after about five hours, he started trying to sneak off for a nap.

    I followed Scarecrow around the house, talking to him, nudging him, placing an apple next to his head (He really hates apples.) He got up and moved each time. He began to look at me with a certain amount of hate. I kept him awake eight hours straight before he collapsed in my lap. He passed out cold while I was petting him, twitching and rolling his eyes while he dreamed. Ah, revenge was so sweet.

  89. When kitties get older, they calm down–but it helps to give them some training. I’ve got four wonderful cats, and they know that behaving like a-holes is not allowed on the bed at all, ever. They learned young that when one of them walks across my face or attacks my feet (or a sibling) on the bed, it’s a one-way trip out the door. But training means you can’t let them play or attack one another on the bed when you’re not in it–they have to learn that on the bed, they sleep and that’s it. Their brains are too tiny to see any difference in a bed with you in it or not in it.

  90. OMG, YES. This is what happened last night. Churro, the furry bastard, curled up against my hip (under the covers) and purred and poked at me with his wet nose and slept while I lay wide awake staring at the ceiling and trying to decide if I was too hot (throw off covers) or too cold (pull covers back on)….

  91. Amen, sister! I also love it when they (well, one of them) decides to turn off my CPAP machine in the middle of the night. Idiot cat. Why do I love them so much?

  92. The most true statement I’ve ever read in my entire life. Closely followed by being awoken with the cat staring at you…..

  93. Hee! I’m pretty sure I could replace Hunter’s cute face w/ my husband’s and it would still be pretty accurate. Except for the walking on the face thing. But he snores quite loudly, so there’s that waking the wife issue.

  94. I wonder if you lick the cat, if you get the sleepies. Of course, I’m 95% sure that when people talk about “licking the cat”…that they aren’t talking about this.

  95. This was me last night too. Just managed to fall into a light sleep, next thing I know I am getting my legs kneaded and being purred at, loudly. Why oh why does one of my cats hate me sleeping so much??? Naturally enough, its the middle of the day now, I am completely sleep deprived and she is fast asleep on my bed…. If she wasnt so cute, she would have been turned into a furry hat by now, lol.

  96. And just this morning I was woken at 4am by my cat licking my beard. The first sign that I am stirring and she assaults me for food and attention. But I can’t complain I am happy to have her a live.

  97. I have a deaf cat, that snores. When she yowls – at 2 am – it’s as if a fire truck went off in the room. Then, I get up, run the shower (so she can lick the floor) and get her food (remember it’s 2 am). And now I am wide awake. Eventually, she sneaks back in the bed…and starts bumping body parts because she wants you to pet her…then she goes to sleep. And snores. Found her when she was a kitten only planning to get her healthy and find her a home. Still looking. She’s 18.

  98. This reminds me of the people that would sleep in class all the time but with no studying at all, unlike me, would get a A on the exam. While I am sitting there trying to be happy for my C+.

  99. I have two cats. Max is fond of doing paperwork on my desk (it’s in the bedroom) at 4:30am. Twist likes to sit patiently on the bed next to my head, licking her lips. Noisily. Imagine a continuous loop of “smack-smack-smack” right above your head. I have to get up, chase them both out of the bedroom and close the door. Then of course Twist will whine pitifully outside the closed door. Luckily she’s not very loud through the door. At least not at first. Volume increases as time passes. Of course.

  100. If you have outdoor cats like I do, you know they are always up to something evil. They sleep at different times because one of them needs to be home a dead carcass of…something. Once my cats killed a cardinal. I live in Virginia. That’s our state bird! They were trying to get me arrested. I know it!

    I have six semi-feral cats and they are all evil. But so cute when they purr for their dinner. The little a-holes got me. They got me good!

  101. My 18-year-old cat has started peeing in the bed every morning, so you turn over and are awakened with cat pee on your face. She’s not allowed in the bedrooms any more. Did you know your vet will give you Kitty Xanax?

  102. My cat is passed out in the kitty-loaf position as we speak (meaning…he looks like you could pick him up and put him in a meatloaf pan). I tried this position. Not good for humans.

    Just a note to self, in case you were wondering.

  103. this is why I love my dog. he wakes up looking like the world has insulted his mother simply by existing when he wanted to sleep. he has trouble finding the floor in the morning. and he gets bed head.

    my cat? that asshole goes from sound asleep to POUNCING into the kitchen to see what’s up with his food bowl. not really a problem, except that i’m usually the platform from which he jumps. asshole.

  104. Better the cat walks on your face. I have a damn crow that walks on face every morning, leaving me with crows feet!

  105. Lol see now, my cat comes stumbling out with fur ruffled like she’s been on an all night bender sometimes. This is cute. She also steps nightly in the crook of my knee and is put out when I don’t get in bed on time. Also cute. Not so cute: 5 am wake up calls.

  106. My female kitten sleeps with my husband. Between his knees. On her side. And with her front paws and back paws stretched as far apart as possible to take up the maximum amount of room. My male cat sleeps with me. Actually, mostly on top of me. If it is too warm and I shift away, he shifts closer, still.

    We are thinking about getting a king-size bed. I doubt it will help.

  107. My cat is one of the reasons I HAVE insomnia–Jezebel is 17, arthritic, and hyperthyroid, which means that while she can’t jump on the bed any more (although she can jump down if I put her up there), she CAN scratch loudly on the side of the wastepaper basket/dresser/bedroom door to wake me up at o’God thirty in the morning, because I should be constantly feeding her/paying attention to her. I try to remind her that Mommy needs sleep so she can work, and we like eating and living indoors, right? She just doesn’t get it, the little booger…

    Back when I had 2 cats and my then-roommate had one, I ended up home sick w/a very nasty upper respiratory infection, and woke up at one point to find all 3 cats sitting on the bed, watching me most intently. “What?!? Are you waiting for me to die so you can eat me?!?” (Supposedly dogs will wait for 24 hours or so before they start snacking on your cold dead corpse, but cats will start nomming within an hour or less…I don’t think I want to know how they determined this…)

  108. What a list of search terms! I get my fair share too. My faves from your list:
    Maybe you should make this a regular feature.

  109. If you look at the picture on a tiny iPhone screen, Hunter S. Tomcat looks like a very disturbing zombie pig. Especially in the last of the three. Alter sleeping ego?!

  110. The only time I have ever seen a sleep-deprived cat was the day the roof was replaced on our apartment. I had two cats and they got to a point where they were startled and jumping every time a hammer hit a nail. Twelve hours of hilarity!

  111. I think the last one is dozing. When my cats sleep, they either end up on their backs, are in a strange semi-sitting position, or all curled up. When you walk by it’s always startling to them. That is how you know they are asleep. If you want revenge as an insomniac, frequently make loud noises when they are out cold. :p

  112. I’m glad I’m not the only one who struggled with insomnia that night. Maybe there was something going on with the moon… Or just the cats of the world conspired against us all.

  113. My crazy cats kept me awake fighting all night last night because the older cat will not let the kitten sleep with us on the bed. Three hours of sleep was all I had to go on for 12 hours of work.when I left the house they were sound asleep on the bed nose to nose. Tomorrow is my day off and I am going to roust them every time they close their eyes.

  114. My kitten seems to think 4am is the appropriate time for me to wake, and so rouses me each day with a nice headbutt to my nose. Every single day it scars the crap out of me and means I wake with heart palpitations. Of course, at 5am when I actually get up for work, he gets mad that I’ve moved (as he’s usually asleep on some part of me) and glares angrily at me while I get ready for work.

    God I love him.

  115. Phhh… my lazy cat has got a slightly opposite schedule to mine! Waking me up in the mid of the night to play with her! Duh! What an amazing life she’s got!

  116. My cat has two modes: So Tired I Can’t Even Get Up To Go To My Food Bowl So I’m Going To Eat This Scrap Of Not-Even-Odin-Knows-What, and OHHOLYSHITIAMSOHIGHRIGHTNOWOHMYGODIDISTHATPANTS?!?!
    Yes, Dudley. That is pants.

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