All I want for Christmas is a drawer of sheep

So, apparently this Spanish artist (Oscar Tusquets Blanca) decided to make some taxidermied sheep tables because WHO WOULDN’T WANT THAT?

It's supposed to be a telephone table but I think it's better used as a small baaaaaar.  (Shut up.  I can't help myself.)
It’s supposed to be a telephone table but I think it’d better used as a small baaaaaar. (I’m so sorry. I can’t help myself.)

I was intrigued, but then I noticed that were each $80,000 and then I fell off my chair and hit my head on my desk, and I considered suing Oscar for damages.  It’s just a small bruise but it’s probably worth about $80,000 if that’s how we’re pricing things now.  Then I remembered that my dad is a professional taxidermist and my grandfather is a professional carpenter and my parent’s neighbors have pet sheep so daddy could just go shear a bunch of them in the dead of night and then no lambs would have to die (unless they died from being too cold because my dad stole their coats ) and my mom and my sister both know how to design and sew clothes so they could just knit coats for the naked sheep and this just turned into a family affair and OH MY GOD, THIS IS PERFECT AND NOW I KNOW WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS.  

That, or $80,000.  I could go either way.

(Hat-tip: Neatorama.)

174 thoughts on “All I want for Christmas is a drawer of sheep

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I think it’s the little golden hooves that set this one above the rest.

    *and there’s a weensy typo right near the end “naked sheet”. Sorry, I’m compulsive.

    (Never apologize for helping with proof-reading. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  2. OR…you could get $80,000, pay your family half of it to make this, and have a nice amount set aside for the next taximal (taxidermied animal) you want!

  3. I don’t think I have ever commented before but I saw on Neatorama, and immediately copied the link to send to you. Came to your page, and voila, it is of course, already here.

  4. Holy crap that’s cool. If anyone is handing out $80K, there is always a year long trip to Germany on my bucket list.

  5. I bet you could get a taxidermist in Wisconsin to make one a lot cheaper. My kids got taxidermied kittens one year for Christmas. They really creeped me out!

  6. I saw this and thought “This would be the perfect place for my knitting notions and my latest project in a nice yarn bowl.” Because, really, nothing says “A knitter lives here” than a taxedermied sheep as an end table.

  7. $80,0000???? My guess is he made one, decided they were wayyyy too much trouble to make another one but he had to cover the costs of all the materials for the 1000 or so he PLANNED to make because otherwise his wife might kill him for spending 80K on stuff to make sheep tables.

    Just a theory…

  8. I’d use it as a bedside table, because then when insomnia struck I could count my table.

    Might be more effective if you had more than one, though.

  9. BEST BEDSIDE TABLE EVER. Build an alarm clock into the head so when your alarm goes off the ears whirl, the eyes light up and it goes BAA-AA! BAA-AA! Until you bop it on the head! Then set the alarm, move it into a friend’s child’s bedroom and DON’T TELL THEM ABOUT THE ALARM.

  10. I find this somehow disturbing, even though it’s a particularly excellent, lifelike work. Perhaps that’s the problem. I like your sheep shearing idea much better than this taxidermy one!

  11. But they come with magic…

    Oh once I had a flock of sheep
    That grazed upon a feather.
    I’d keep them in a music box
    From wind and rainy weather.
    But every day the sun did shine
    they’d fly all through the town
    And bring me back some golden rings
    And candy by the pound.
    —folk song

  12. That table would look great in the baaaathroom (it’s really hard to resist, isn’t it?). I like the idea of the drawer making the baaaing noise when it opens. That would be cool. Or maybe if you squeezed one of the sheep’s ears. Now we need a taxidermied pig that that is really a bar fridge. Or a stuffed cow that you can actually dispense cold milk by squeezing it’s udder. There’s got to be a market for this shit.

  13. For 80K you could probably get a “sheep whisperer” to train live sheep to stand very still and hold your cocktail. hell for 80K I”d hold your drink for you in a sheep costume…actually I’d probably do it for free. I just confused myself.

  14. Hm, I wonder if you can clone sheep tables the way you can clone sheep. I mean, it seems pretty reasonable. So if you buy one for 80k you can clone like 10 more and make a lot of money.

  15. We bought a mattress and it came with one of those numbered sheep stuffed animals, which we gave to my daughter. She named it Bob, and she gets REALLY mad when I call it Baaaaaaaaa-b. Even though it was her idea.

  16. Eustice is grateful that you want to go with a non-violent replica. But mostly he’s really upset that anyone thinks sheep should have a drawer in their middle. He also says that sheep love anything hand knit

  17. I was in a convenience store in Deep East TX a while back and they had a huge alligator taxidermied with a deer in its mouth. Had to have been 14 ft long. It would go great in your house!

  18. I’ve been seeing some cool taxidermied animals and I don’t want you to miss out! What’s the best way to show these to you?

  19. I’d want it on caster wheels, to make moving it between rooms easier. I don’t think caster wheels are too much to ask for, if I’m shelling out $80,000. Hell, you could toss a leash and collar on it (her?) and take an afternoon stroll around the block. And name it Baabra.

  20. I’m just trying to figure out how you wake up one day and decide “I’m going to make a table out of a taxidermied sheep.” Once you’ve decided to create the table, the drawer and gold hooves are a given.

  21. I would like my sheep to be living, so if I couldn’t reach my drink or my knitting needles (when I decide to take up knitting), I can just call the sheep over and not have to get up. I’d be willing to forgo to drawer for this modification.

  22. It so frightens me that I totally enjoy your warped sense of humor and the randomness of it! Your stream of conscious approach is magnificent!

  23. Victor should let you buy it. Can’t use use all your taxidermied friends as tax write offs? You blog about them, plus share photos of them. They are a work expense.

  24. I’m thinking maybe make it into a motorized portable bar with remote control….

    (THIS. “Come here, sheep, sheep, sheep.” ~ Jenny)

  25. My grandfather had a taxidermy horse head that was part of a lamp. Sadly, when he died, that was the first thing my grandmother threw out. She hated it with a passion.

  26. And that is not even close to the most frightening or interesting piece of stuffed stuff you ever wanted.

  27. I think my “favorite” part has to be the drawer coming out of it’s stomach which could only be topped by it coming out of its ass! I’m no art critic but don’t we all think it could be so much better??!! What kind of “fun” stuff could one put in a drawer like that.

  28. If ever I come across a field of sheep wearing knitted coats in Texas I won’t have to ask. Meanwhile my husband will be so confused. “Who’s nuts now?” I’ll ask him.

  29. Maybe without the gold hooves (sp?) it would be less than $80K. And your mom and sister could start on their coats for naked animal projects by starting small, something like this http://www.geekosystem.com/chicken-sweaters/ though obviously they’d want to sew instead of knit so jackets instead of sweaters.

    This post is going to make me giggle all day. Thank you

  30. Some days I feel like I’ve seen everything online– then I come here and think…no..no..I’ve seen nothing yet. I never cared for stuffed animals until I heard of you. I still don’t care for them that much- but you add that twist in twisted that makes me appreciate them more. But always take the money! Always!!

  31. Ewe are sooo bad! Ok, that’s all I have. But that is really cool! This means you need to write your book faster so you can be rolling in sheep drawer dough!

  32. This is why I won’t donate my body to science when I die. They can have my organs but I don’t want to end up in someone’s living room with a bottle opener screwed to my ass. I’m not sure how I made that leap. Is it hypocritical that I still want a sheep table?

  33. Thanks for being yourself Bloggess! I literally spit coffee on my laptop reading this… and the comments that follow…. I think you give George Takai a run for his money on the humor side of the interwebs….

  34. OMG, I absolutely love your thought process there on shearing sheep and knitting coats for the lambs. What a fun ride!

  35. That is so FREAKING AWESOME!! The kids would never think to look for the chocolate in that drawer!

  36. love the way you write and how you think. i honestly think we were separated at birth somehow. don’t worry i won’t turn into a creepy stalker. or will i? no really i won’t. i’m serious I won’t. but I do have your book. i carry it with me everywhere and tell everyone about it. ok not that much. but kind of a lot.

  37. Can you find them for sale cheaper at a BAAAzaaaaaaaaar? Can I get one with the alarm-clock option and customized with extra-long eyelashes?

    My weak contribution to a hilarious post and comments!!!!!!!

  38. So many missed opportunities here! A small shelf between the hooves to display smaller taxidermy animals and maybe some cup hooks on the ears for keys or, y’know, cups and stuff. Cup earrings would definitely add a little je n’est c’est quoi!!

  39. How about you call it a confort service animal and apply for a grant? Or maybe,,,,hum…….
    KICKSTARTER FOR THE LAWSON SHEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Go baby go!!!
    Dave

  40. I think you should stick a horn on its forehead and put it on Ebay for $160,000. A unicorn table is TOTALLY worth double what a sheep table is. Totally worth the money.

  41. Hey Jenny, You are forgetting one MAJOR thing. Victor probably bought this for you for Valentine’s Day. Nothing says LOVE like a sheep table with a drawer. I bet he’s mad at me NOW.
    Love, your friend, Laurie F.

  42. Oooh I really hope you can somehow convince your family to make it for you! I would loooove something like that, I also want one of those capricorns and one of the gryphons from Fantast Works taxidermy! One day!

    If you can’t convince your family, work on it by asking for something bigger first:

    ‘Dad, can I have a taxidermy whale chest of drawers? Shark? Well, how about a sheep then? That’s reasonable, right?’

  43. How do you clean a taxidermied…anything really? I mean I know phone tables in your better houses are probably very neat. But every flat surface in my house eventually gets used to store keys, change, letters, old batteries and coffee cups. All that to say I’m pretty sure I’d stain the poor sheep, and I was just wonder how to clean it. Cause I’m totally going to spend 80k on that…I’ve started a savings plan. Do you think they have lay away?

  44. I don’t have anything to add regarding the taxidermied sheep-table but wanted to let you know I went to the doctor today for a very scary test and the only thing that helped me hold it together was that your “twin” was the assisting nurse. Seriously. She looked JUST LIKE YOU!

  45. I am so glad I bought your audio book instead of reading it. I can read all of these in your voice. I imagine them fast and gaining pace as you get more excited.

    PS. That sheep is a wee bit creepy. Maybe if it wasn’t smiling…

  46. If it were on wheels — which would be a very simple modification — you could ride it from room to room, adding another layer of functionality and pretty much making it worth every penny.

    Just think about it.

    Also: Legit question here — in taxidermy, what do they use for eyeballs? Marbles? Glass eyes? I’m assuming there’s no neat and tidy way to preserve an eye?

  47. Holy cow er— sheep.

    80K?? Sounds like this guy got all creative, in a fit of awesome weirdness, and made something he doesn’t want to ever make again EVER, and then someone else was all, “Hey. Would you make ME one of those?” So the guy was like, “Eh. Sure. They’re $80,000.00. Plus tax.” Thinking of course, no one will pay THAT. Like that lady who started selling tumbleweeds online as a joke, and then pretty soon all the cool Colorado imports from the city were like “WE MUST HAVE SOME OF THOSE, no matter what the cost,” and they were paying like $250.00 per tumbleweed or something ridiculous, and now she’s the Bill Gates of the tumbleweed industry.

    The drawer and gilded hooves are definitely a special touch–total deal breaker if it didn’t have those… 😉

  48. You will need $160,000. One for each end of the couch. Never lose the remote again. Get a little saddle to keep your lamp from falling off.

    Seriously, that’s a really nice sheep table. I hope you figure out hwo to make them.

  49. You could do all of that…call it PETA-friendly (no sheep had to die…they just got a bad case of the goosebumps (sheepbumps?)) and sell them for $100k! Genius!!!!

  50. I love that the sheep looks so pleased to have been skinned and stuffed — because if you are going to drop 80 grand on a sheep table, you at least want one that WANTS to be a sheep table! There is nothing worse than a GRUMPY sheep table! It totally ruins the Feng Shui of a room.

  51. Actually, I think you may have just written a treatment for a Hallmark Hall of Fame Family Christmas Special….one that I would actually watch.

  52. It’s for posts like this that you need to have some way to appreciate/acknowledge individual comments. Really. You have witty followers.

  53. They’re actually $82K. Just wanted to point that out, because it would suck to have the $80K and end up not being able to get it because you’re $2K short. You’re welcome.

  54. At first glance, I literally said out loud “What the fucking FUCK?!” May all art be so perplexing. Also, you should know that I occasionally use your addictions to make mine look better. When I informed my husband that a bunch of weird doll shit was going to be showing up in the mail, including what would appear to be the result of a random scalping, I was like well, at least it’s not a dead cobra and mongoose having a party in a crate that I forgot is mailed to myself, AMIRITE? And he was all, I see your point. Satisfaction obtained. Thanks for being fucked up in the best possible way. Your strangeness makes all our lives better.

  55. This is a household NECESSITY. Clearly, he needs to lower the price because he will totally make up all that money in shear (pun intended) volume of product moved. Best. Table. Ever.

  56. I don’t usually think about taxidermy as decor, says the lady delighted with a dead tarantula under glass for her fifth birthday, but sheep tables are fabulous and would totally go with the rest of your menagerie. There’s also a need for a unicorn coffee table. With a cup holder. And a special seat for Hunter S. Thomcat.

  57. Answering When I Blink (102)

    They use glass eyes. Skink, one of my favorite fictional characters from author Carl Hiaasen, has lost one eye. Somewhere along the line he acquires a glass eye meant for a taxidermied owl. It is much too large for him, but he wears it with panache, and it only adds to his considerable mystique.

  58. Hey, your Dad doesn’t even need to shear a sheep! I can send you plenty of wool! lol With the lanolin still in or washed! LOL 🙂

  59. This is one of the few places on the Internets where reading the comments should be mandatory.

  60. Damien Hirst sold a stuffed shark for 12 million dollars. So I guess that makes this a bargain.

  61. I’m pretty sure you could write that off on your taxes. Which makes it so full of win there’s really no reason NOT to get one.

  62. Your hysterical . i wonder how much my bulldog would go for stuffed she is on her last leg around here. My bff and i started a blog together. would love to know your personal opinion if you have a sec, we love you and love your blog. you make us want to better members of society.

  63. I can’t get one. I’d get tired of the “Mary had a little lamb” jokes really quickly.
    And actually, I find it a strangely more disturbing than Juanita….

  64. I find myself torn between wanting to put Sun Glasses on it, hug it, then hide my gold (if I ever get any) in it’s drawer. Confused and amused… the good life!

  65. OK, so here’s what I’m thinking. That lamb sounds like it could be a bit pricey, so I have an alternative that you might want to think about. I have a cat that would make a lovely jewelry box. Now, it’s not dead yet, but it’s old… I mean REAL old, so you shouldn’t have long to wait.

    It’s black, with beautiful green eyes and it’s got a nice shiny coat with only one small bare spot that I’m sure you could cover up with something. This cat is the perfect size too. It has plenty of room inside to hold your valuables (once you hollow it out) yet not so large as to take up all the space on your shelf, or nightstand.

    Best of all is the price. It’s a whole lot lass than eighty grand. I’m talking about FREE (gratis!) here! Not only that, but if you act now, I’ll even pay the shipping! The thing is, you will need to move fast on this. (before my roommate gets home)

    I would send you a picture, but it’s hiding under the bed. (I just don’t understand cats at all)

  66. Somewhat related … saw a movie about zombie sheep that act menacingly and eat humans. It was one of the funniest/worst things I have ever seen. It’s called Black Sheep and it is out of New Zealand. Give it a watch, preferably after having had too much wine!

  67. I’m pretty much brainless right now and couldn’t find a way to email you directly on your site, but that’s okay because what I wanted to tell you about is actually kind of related to this post, so at least I’m not interrupting as much as I might have been. Right? Um, yeah. Anyway, apparently at the Consumer Electronics Show there are some breakdancing taxidermied weasels (or squirrels, maybe hamsters. Stoats?) But the only info I can find about them is a single picture on Popular Science, wtf?! Could you use your amazing powers of Bloggess-ness to find out more about this? The world needs to know!

  68. If you do get it and put it on caster wheels, be sure the the wheels squeak a bit. Then at night, in the dark, yoyr rolling sheep wine bar can’t sneak up on you.

  69. Is it wrong of me that I find the gold cap/hooves more disturbing than the drawer in its side?

  70. I don’t know how I feel about taxidermied animals serving an actual purpose. On Oddities they turned a monkey riding a dog into a cooler. And the dog dispensed drinks. It made me feel weird.

  71. Um, did you scroll down the page in your link? There is a whole entire bedroom ensemble made from sheep, including a bed, and a curtain holding sheep headboard. I kind of think the girl in the picture is trying to reenact Luke Skywalker’s Taun-taun adventure. But with less blood. Love the table, am kind of squeamish about sleeping in a sheep. But that might just be me.

  72. I raise sheep, and would be happy to send two fleeces to you, so your family could make each of us a sheep table!!

  73. No. This is not a table. It’s a fabulous cat toy! I think the drawer is for the catnip and the table is the place to sit when it’s positioned under a window.
    At least that’s how it would be at my house.

  74. I know better than to say something like “I thought I’d seen it all, Jenny, but..”

    But seriously, this entire post actually did knock me off my chair at my desk – at work. Awkward. Good luck at Christmas, Jenny. I hope you receive many pieces of furniture made from the stuffed carcasses of dead animals. At least these creatures can continue to serve mankind while dressing up your humble abode.

    Now, do you have this Oscar guy’s address? I want to have him make a luggage cart out of small rhino. That would be so cool ,wouldn’t it?

  75. @Dylan Brody: “All I want for Christmas/ Is ewe.” “I Love Ewe (for sentimental reasons)” Ew. And now, every love song ever written is ruined for me.

  76. It’s the drawer, baby. The table would be nothing without the drawer.

    And I read the price as eight thousand dollars and thought that was outrageous. But EIGHTY thousand? Somebody is definitely on crack.

  77. This doesn’t have anything to do with anything..but I saw this and thought of the Bloggess.

    “You”, he said, “are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain”.

  78. I absolutely concur with Jasette23 about having this AMAZING find on casters. But, one would have to have two, right? For either side of the bed or couch? I mean, symmetry is important. But if you’re not the matchy-matchy type, you could have Baabra (baarilliant) on one side, and say, a goat on the other, for that “I’m so cool that my taxidermied side tables don’t match, but DO in a way that is WAY too fashionable for you philistines to understand.” Personally, I’d get a ram since I’m an Aries – I’m not an astrology freak, but that would help with lulls in conversation, since I don’t think that lambs appear on the zodiac. Wait. A ram is a boy sheep – never mind. OK, I’m rambling, but I thought you’d appreciate that. Anyway, my point? Two. I’ll go soon, I promise, but I’d lean a bit harder on your dad. I’m still waiting for my kitchen table from my carpenter father, and no animals were even required for that! He’s SO lazy. Thanks again for being my imaginary internet friend. You make me laugh, and you make me feel better with the weirdest shit. I also want to make you soup sometimes. And now I want lamb chops. Is that wrong?

  79. So if you just sheared the sheep instead of killing one, would you just put the fleece on top of a table and it would be the same thing?
    The fact that I am so concerned about this makes me chuckle.

  80. I thought this table was the whackiest taxidermy I’d ever seen. But buzzfeed just posted a “Which badly taxidermied animal are you?” quiz. I’m sure I won’t be the only person curious which one you’d be. (I never really saw myself as a lamb extruding a duck, but what do I know.)

  81. You really need to read “Stiff” by Mary Roach- The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers!! You would love it!!

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