Dogs love (to eat) me

So I was just sitting here in my office when I saw a dog wearing a coat who  was walking across my yard.  Then I notice that she was limping and then she ran out in the road and someone almost hit her so I ran outside to pick her up so I could bring her in and call whoever was on her tags.  She was one of those tiny purse dogs (I don’t know dog names) so I figured I could just scoop her up but she kept an inch away from me every time I got close and so I ended up walking after a strange dog in a coat for like a mile.  And it kept running in the road in front of other people’s cars and I’d have to dart out to get them to slow down and they’d give me a look like “Keep your dog on a leash, bitch” but I DON’T EVEN HAVE A DOG, SO STOP GIVING ME EVIL EYES.  And then I finally got close enough to pick the dog up and she was like “Hey, I’m a normal wounded animal and you’re a stranger so guess what’s gonna happen?  This.  This is going to happen.” And she bit me.  Not hard, but enough that if she was a zombie I’d be cutting my hand off right now.  And then I couldn’t let go of the bitey dog because then it would run off and I wouldn’t know if it had had it’s shots and I’d probably get rabies.  And I couldn’t call Victor to help me because I’d left my phone and never told him where I was going so he was probably out looking for me and mad that I just disappeared.   So I’m getting bit by a bitey dog in a jacket and I’m also defensive about Victor probably yelling at me about this all being my fault.  And people outside checking their mail kept giving me looks like I’m a bad dog mom because this dog was definitely not pleased with me and I’m like “THIS ISN’T EVEN MY DOG.  I’M THE GOOD PERSON HERE.  YOU GUYS ARE THE ASSHOLES.”   But I said it in my head because I figured yelling would just freak the dog out more and increase the biting.  Then I finally get to the house the dog belonged to and the dog’s owner was very sweet and grateful to get the dog back and the dog has all it’s shots and everything is good, except that the dog has to go to the vet for the limpy-leg thing and probably for heat-exhaustion too because it’s not really cold enough in Texas for a dog to be wearing that heavy of a coat.

So then I walked back home and I went into Victor’s office and he was sitting there and I said “Well, I don’t have rabies” and he just looked at me and said “Why would you have rabies?”  And then I realized that he never even noticed that I missing and was being attacked.  So I explained and he was like “This all happened while I was on my conference call?  You’re just picking up stranger’s dogs all willy-nilly?”  And yes.  I was.  And I want a medal.  And for someone to assure me that my tetanus shot is up to date.  And for dogs to get out of the street.  I don’t think I’m asking too much.

PS. There’s probably a lot of typos in here but you can’t blame me because I just got bit by a dog.

PPS.  This is the second time I’ve been bitten by a random dog.  Dogs think I’m delicious.  That’s not the kind of flattery I need.

220 thoughts on “Dogs love (to eat) me

Read comments below or add one.

  1. This entire post sounds like one of those commercials with the random connections ending in “don’t let your dad get punched over a can of soup.” (I don’t remember the product, actually, just that hangliding ended up getting his dad punched).

    Don’t get rabies from a random dog in a coat.

  2. i am pretty sure you have not had a tetanus shot since you stepped on a nail in fourth grade.

    (Actually, my first tetanus shot was from stepping on a fish hook in the fourth grade. And I know I got one the last time I got bit by a dog and I think that was about 4 years ago. And I think I got another one last year when I got my flu shot just because my doctor at the time liked to give shots. ~ Jenny)

  3. At least you won’t need to get the rabies shots with big long needles stuck into your stomach. Silver lining, right?

  4. Human dog nip. Hmmmmm…this is one business idea I think we don’t want to go for.

  5. I just snorted out loud at work in a very quiet office, all while trying to hold in laughter. So thanks for that. 🙂

  6. I think “don’t get rabies from a random dog in a Coat” is advice we can all live by. It should probably be on a tshirt in your shop.

  7. They just can’t resist “gobbling you up”….LOL cause they have heard how INCREDIBLE you are!

  8. I’m sorry you got bit by a dog, but that is hilarious.

    Would you accept an imaginary internet medal, because I can give you one of those. gives imaginary medal that reads “I’m awesome and save dogs from themselves.”

    (I proudly accept this honor. ~ Jenny)

  9. You’re up to date on tetnus. Didn’t something eerily similar happen like a year ago? Or am I just remembering from your book?

    I don’t even know anymore….

  10. Jenny,

    I’m glad that you, a cat person and a person who’s been bit by a dog before, still ventured out there to save that little Hattie dog.

    Thank you, dog lover Julie, who would help find a cat its home even though I don’t believe they’re ever lost.

  11. Pretty purse dogs are usually bitey and growley. It’s the scary looking ones that are the pussy cats.
    I was once bitten by a giant, slobbery dog while on a bike (to pick up my kids at school) who latched onto my favorite yoga pants. I screamed and pedaled but he just chomped down and kept ripping the pants. I finally kicked him off and out biked him to school to warn the others only to realize I wasn’t wearing underwear (didn’t like those pantylines with the yogapants) and exposed my ass to most of my children’s classmates. It was a proud parenting moment.

  12. didn’t you get a tetanus shot when the chicken shanked you?

    (That’s right! That was just a few years ago. God, I’m filled with tetanus shots. Can you get tetanus from having too many tetanus shots? That’d be ironic. ~ Jenny)

  13. At least these things don’t only happen to me.

    But unlike the last time I captured a random dog at least the owner you found was happy to see their dog again.

  14. What Casey said. And I’m still laughing. Is it too late to add it to the new book?!

  15. This would never happen with a big dog. A) they aren’t dumb enough to jet out into the street like meth addicts; B) they love everyone and would be so happy to make a new friend with the strange woman chasing them down the road.

  16. I’ve been bitten by dogs three times. In the face. I was once telling this story to a (somewhat gorgeous) young man and he pointed at my face and asked “Is this one of them?” Because that oh so handsome (but obviously not so bright) man was pointing at a WRINKLE, I responded, “No, that’s just me living long enough to have been bitten in the face three times by dogs.”

  17. Jenny,

    I’m glad that you, a cat person and a person who’s been bit by a dog before, still ventured out there to save that little bittie dog.

    Thank you, dog lover Julie, who would help find a cat its home even though I don’t believe they’re ever lost.

  18. Thank you…. I was having a shitty day, down with the flu and feeling sorry for myself. Laughed so much at this post that I wet my pants!

  19. That’s okay. My own cat sliced open my undernipple Tuesday. And when I went to remove the giant bandaid today, I removed a metric ton of boob flesh. So, you’re not alone.

    (“Undernipple” is one of my very favorite words ever. ~ Jenny)

  20. I am seeing a medal tee shirt at Zazzle in the future. You are a good soul.

  21. make sure purse dog is current on its rabies shots. and if it broke skin, consider antibiotics. not tetanus though.

  22. My first thought was that it’s totally not cool enough for a coat today. I’m glad we think along the same lines.

    And Victor probably thought he had gotten through your weird thing of the day already when you couldn’t have Herbert. I guess you showed him.

  23. I would give you a medal, and take you out to dinner and buy you done awesome hello kitten band aids for your bitey bites ! Or maybe you’d rather have hello doggy bandaids

  24. I’m sorry you got bit by a dog. You were very sweet to chase after it like that. And yay, you got it home too!
    One day when I was on my way to volunteer at the cat shelter, I saw a dog running in the road and chasing school buses, so I got out of my car in the rain to help it. I was pregnant and spent at least 20 minutes trying to get the dog to safety, but eventually it ran across the street to a housing development and at that point I couldn’t chase it. I just hope that stupid dog ended up being OK.

  25. I was going to suggest that you start carrying a small tranquilizer gun, but then I thought better of it. Then I thought naybe you needed to carry pepper spray, but that would probably piss the bitey dog off more. Finally, I thought that in the future, tossing a suicidal, bitey dog, a sedative wrapped in cream cheese would do the trick. Doggy gets to chillax, and you don’t get bit. Win win.

  26. I’m sorry you got bit by a dog. You were very sweet to chase after it like that. And yay, you got it home too!
    One day when I was on my way to volunteer at a cat shelter, I saw a dog running in the road and chasing school buses, so I got out of my car in the rain to help it. I was pregnant and spent at least 20 minutes trying to get the dog to safety, but eventually it ran across the street to a housing development and at that point I couldn’t chase it anymore. I just hope that stupid dog ended up being OK.

  27. I’m just going to start all conversations for the rest of the week with “I don’t have rabies.”
    Purse dogs seem to be crabby I’ve never actually met a nice one. I think maybe dogs don’t like living in purses.

  28. i got bit by a BIG ASS HOUND OF HELL when I was on holidays in Turkey. HUGE “rottweiler/mastiff/devil’s very own guard dog” dog. The biggest dog I have ever seen. My bf at the time ran in the opposite direction when the dog attacked. MY BF RAN AWAY & didn’t even think twice about pushing me to the side as he did it. This was all ok because I was on much friendlier terms with dogs in general according to the bf. Did I mention the dog was HUGE and probably ate small children for its meals? I had to get a rabies shot. the good news is that it’s just a a series of 3 over a certain period of time and not the 10000′s in the stomach it used to be. on the same trip, as we walked back to our living quarters, we had 2-3 dogs on our heels and had to climb over a small fence to escape them. the bf went first and then urgently told me to “pass the baklava!” Not “hey, give me your hand so i can help you over this obstacle that stands in your way” but “PASS THE BAKLAVA! it MUST be saved!” But if i am honest, the baklava in turkey is some of the best ever so maybe it was a reasonable request.

  29. We just moved to a new area of the country where Chihuahuas reign supreme. And we have Great Pyrenees. The gates on the homes are such that these “dogs” can escape and roam the neighborhood like rabid packs of rats. One stopped off in our front yard on a recent stroll by, and The Girls both ran at the door, barking and all in a frenzy thinking they were getting a snack. The little Chihuahua tore off down the street as fast as it could on it’s little tooth-picky legs. People here don’t seem to mind that their animals roam the neighborhood, including running out in the street and that gives me a sad. I won’t approach them though. They have those bugged out eyeballs and freaky zombie teeth. I wouldn’t want to get bit and turn into a Chihuahua zombie.

  30. Tetanus shots are good for 10 years, so don’t worry about that. You should probably put some antibacterial ointment on it though, because canine mouths are not, in fact, that much cleaner than a human’s.

  31. OMg So yours is like the only blog that I regularly read, and this is why! I love this story, it literally made me laugh out loud! Also I am one of those people that interrupt my entire day to save a dog that in all likelihood would have been fine without my interference, my family is so use to it that when we see a dog out on the street my hubs actually stops the car without me saying anything! Sorry about the bite! Least you don’t have rabies, also be glad it wasn’t a big dog that thought you were delicious since Victor didn’t even know you were gone!

  32. We get a lot of stray/loose dogs here too! I dunno, people just seem to let their dogs out in non-fenced yards, just like the whole ‘outdoor cat’ concept, but with a dog. A LOT OF DOGS. I don’t really comprehend why. But I’m glad that it wasn’t a zombie dog!

    You do deserve a medal for it, and if I had one I’d TOTALLY give it to you! Congratz on doing a good thing!

  33. A bit of unsolicited advice… if you are going to be chasing after strange dogs, you may want to invest some time in watching Cesar Milan. Of course, his show will tell you not to try those techniques without a professional…

  34. Thank gawd you didn’t try to Herbert bear hug the little guy…you would have been in worse shape than the fish.

  35. Someone found a little dog in my mother’s yard – actually several people rang her bell to ‘return her dog’ and I finally went down to her house and picked it up. Drove around for HOURS looking for the owner. Called the police – who wouldn’t take it. I finally gave it to someone else who thought they knew it (after 6 hours of looking). Long story short – the owners never got the dog back and police were involved and I got accused of stealing it and selling it on ebay. Which is funny because you can’t sell (live) animals on ebay and I am handicapped and can barely walk, let alone steal a dog our of someone’s yard. I swore to never help another lost dog again. So today when I looked out and saw a small dog – obviously lost – in my yard, I closed the curtains and went to do some laundry.

  36. I had to get a rabies shot and Tetnas when I was bitten by a ferret. It happens!!! 🙂

  37. You did a good thing. I’m a dog lover so I totally get it. I would have followed the jacket wearing little menace as well until I caught him and brought him safely back. You seem to be more of a cat person so I think you get an extra medal for not drop kicking the little jerk when he bit you. I’m glad his owners appreciated your efforts!

  38. you’re not a bad person and if I can find a medal I’ll send it to you.

  39. HAHAHAHA! You are the bestest!
    I LOL’d several times during this post – hardest when I read “all willy-nilly” 🙂

  40. Hm. The typos COULD be a sign that rabies has started slowly eating away at your brain. If you get the urge to bite Victor you might want to call a doctor.

  41. No one is EVER up to date on tetanus shots … You just know they’re going to give you one no matter when you had your last one. It’s a pay forward thing. “Here, we’ll give you one for next time”

  42. If no one has mentioned it yet, tetanus shots are good for 10 years. I only remember because mine hurt like a motherfucker for 3 weeks. No way I’m getting another one of those until I have to.

  43. I’ve never been bitten but I’ve also been careful, although dogs and cats both lick me. LIke, a lot. LIke, all the time a lot. My only guess is that I taste like bacon to animals. Which is why I’m not ever going on a safari. Or camping.

  44. Aww Jenny, You are so nice. I would never be able to keep holding a dog that just bit me. I just got a bike recently and I’m scared to ride it because there’s a scrappy dog that runs after me every time I walk.

  45. I am sorry, but I had a difficult time getting past the zombie section. Because I LOVED that more than life itself and I had a hard time moving on. And I kind of hate you because you wrote that and I didn’t.

  46. I was driving to the store the other day and saw a big dog walking down the side of the road. I slowed down just in case, but it stayed to the side of the road until I was past. Then it walked out into the road behind me right in front of another car. Fortunately that car saw it and slowed down in time. The poor dog was clueless the whole time, though. It had one of those big veterinary cones on it’s head. I’m not sure why, but for some reason this story makes me think of you. Is that good or bad?

  47. In case someone hasn’t already told you, tetanus shots last ten years, so you’re all good if the last one you had was four years ago. Also, I think tetanus shots are for when you get a puncture wound involving rust. I guess you can’t be too careful, but I don’t think this is enough to worry about getting a tetanus booster. I would worry about it, but you shouldn’t.

  48. It’s situations like this and this stream of thought rambling that make my husband think we were somehow separated at birth, you in Texas, me in BC (Canada). sigh They’ll never understand, will they?

  49. I once was bitten by a large French speaking poodle named Jose, but pronounced Josie. Apparently he didn’t like how I was sitting still in a chair.

  50. I got bitten by a dog. And a parrot, and a monkey, and a zebra while I was in South Africa volunteering as a vet student. What do I have a scar from to tell a (not so) cool story about? The light bulb that burned me.
    On the plus side, I didn’t have rabies. Or monkey pox. On the less positive side, I’m not sure animals like me very much, which doesn’t bode well for my career.
    Also, beware tiny dogs wearing coats. Pitbulls are far less likely to try to eat your face.

  51. I used to live in a not so nice area of South Los Angeles and a neighbor got two matched German Shepherds who roamed the neighborhood like the owned it. Those dogs knew when I was getting home from work and would regularly chase me from my car to my door.. ya. Fun times.

  52. I’m so screwed up that I keep getting bit by cats. And I’m a freaking CAT LADY….and you think YOUR life is weird…

  53. I hope the owner was apologetic about the bite. And you should get to keep the doggy jacket as a trophy. Have it dipped in gold.

  54. You did the right thing and you are a hero to me!! I’m a huge dog fan and I appreciate you! There was an incident with me and a chihuahua from the neighborhood who got out. I feel your pain 🙂

  55. You have all the adventures. I got my tetanus shot from riding my stationary bike too close to a fence. Those shots are supposed to be good for about five years, so don’t worry about that. What you should worry about is Victor buying a drone to buzz around and watch over you while he’s busy.

  56. You are a hero if not exactly a dog whisperer. You probably have Milkbones in your DNA just like my brother. Dogs used to come from miles away, ring our doorbell and wait for us to get my brother just so they could bite him.

  57. Perhaps you should keep a fish-landing net for catching bitey purse dogs

  58. You just made my day, Jenny. And probably all of Facebook’s as I just spazzed out that you liked my word, and I had to crowd source how to save the screen that you liked my word, and then someone did it for me, and suddenly I realized I’d just shared my undernipple story with everyone. So . . . yay us!

  59. I think you should be taken out to dinner on the strength of not having rabies and knowing that the pink coat was way too heavy for the day. Bravo!

  60. Dogs also like (to eat) me too! My parent’s recently got a standard poodle, her name is Lucy (short for LUCIFER). I think she is half vampire and lusts after human blood. I will forgive her, as she is only 3 and a bit months old, but if she doesn’t stop, I might try filing down her razor sharp milk teeth with a dremel. Not really, just in my head….

  61. The cool thing about this is that you are probably the only person in the entire world that got bit by a dog in a pink coat this week.

  62. Nice job saving the dog – even if you got nibbled on a bit! I did notice in your post several green underlined words like “evil eyes”. Thinking they were a link to a picture of evil eyes, I hovered over it, and it was an ad for a job. Actually, all of them were. Is this supposed to happen? Are they a sponsor? I find it…weird

    (That’s not supposed to happen at all. Ever. I don’t see it. What browser are you using? Can you send me a screenshot or let me know where it links to? ~ Jenny)

  63. I finally made it home to fall out on the couch post-Benedryl while bemoaning the fact that it just WON’T start raining (my sinuses reallyreallyreally wish it would). I was lying there, minding my business (read:whining about my sinuses and the fact that I have to get up to be somewhere in less than an hour), when I saw the new post in my email. I have had to sit completely up, because I was strangling myself with the laughing. Now my eyes are watering (even more) and I had a coughing fit. But it was probably worth it.

    BTW, my 14-year-old daughter read about Herbert and says, ‘She is just weird. I think she’s probably related to us somehow, cuz nobody else’s family is weird like that except us. Well, on YOUR side of the family. Not my dad’s. They aren’t like that.”

    So welcome to the family. 🙂

  64. This is basically the exact same thing that happened to me, but replace ‘stranger’s dog’ with ‘wild rat’. I’m not sure which I’d rather be bitten by.

  65. Glad you don’t have rabies. My friend’s 4-yr-old was bit last week by a dog. The dog ran off and they could not find it. So now her kiddo is having to go through rabies shots.

  66. I got bit by a demon dog once named Smitty. He was a papillion.. you know, those dogs that are small and hairy that make u wanna slide them back and forth on the wood floors to clean up dust and check for splinters? Yeah, all i did was try to give him a treat. Maybe he was on some sort of dog diet and i insulted him. I dunno. Either way, u arent alone. gives a shot of banana liquor and godiva i lerves u, i hope ur hand feels better.

  67. A guy who worked for my father once had a standard – and apparently sincere – excuse when he didn’t get work done. “I been bad dog-bit.” Please feel free to use in the future.

  68. I commend you for saving that dog from being hit by cars but the fact that you don’t have a dog AND you have at least one cat strongly implies that you are not a dog person. That you have been nipped/bitten twice is supporting evidence. Girl you don’t know doodley about dogs. That one kept its distance from you because it didn’t trust you and you were — from its point of view anyway — chasing it which to a dog is either a game or a threat. If you were a doggess (instead of a bloggess) the dogs would just come to you on their own. If you find yourself in a similar situation, try to herd the dog away from the street but don’t pick it up unless it comes to you and indicates that it’s ok to pick it up. Most dogs are honest and will let you know. I’ve only run across 2 dishonest dogs in the last 40 years or so and neither of them bit me. Valiant nipped at me because he thought I was going to hurt his person-toddler but that Husky was just a flat out liar because he let me get out of my car and then tried to keep me from getting back in to leave because it was clear no one was at home.

  69. Oh my god I just almost had the same experience but it involved a 4 inch tall chihuahua wearing a pink coat named Susie. I approached her and her owner (Susie was on a leash) thinking Susie was a little adorable doll-dog but NO Susie was more like ATTACK WATER BUFFALO the minute I leaned in near her little button nose. She would tear you to pieces so if you see her, run the other direction.

  70. Kudos to you. I have 3 huge German Shepherds (all wusses. One of them screams and runs away if a stranger looks at her weird. Terrific guard dogs I tell you!) And I don’t mess with little dogs as they’re usually mean and bitey

  71. I think you deserve a medal and a night out with shots of tequila (or whatever shots of booze are your fave). At leadt one fun shot for every dog bite and tetanus shot you’ve had to have.

  72. One time I tried to rescue a snake that was tangled in a fishing net that I happened across. That fucker tried to bite me many many times. But I couldn’t leave it because it was bleeding. I eventually freed it. It tried to bite me one last time before slithering away and probably getting eaten by a hawk.

  73. I got bit by a dog when I was helping his owner corral him. I scooped him up and he bit me but NOT HARD because then he would be a bad dog and he isn’t a bad dog! Pretty funny — he let go really quickly and looked embarrassed.

    He is now one of my favorites, so its all good.

  74. Chihuahuas are the spawn of Satan. Ungrateful little bastards. I commend you for not punting that little shit like a football after it bit you.

  75. Hahahaha! Love this one.
    Pour vodka on the wound. Then lick it off. Then repeat over and over until you forget what happened.

  76. Being delicious can certainly be less than optimal.
    I, apparently, am delicious (although, thankfully, only in a “licky” way, rather than a “bitey” way) after showering. My cat comes and licks my legs after my shower (which, I guess, might necessitate a follow-up shower because, well, cat saliva..)
    This is the same cat who will only drink from the running water portion of his water fountain bowl and who wants to know exactly what I am eating even though he doesn’t eat people food except for Granny Smith Apples. He will sit, perturbed, if I do not show him a bit of every meal. He never licks it or anything, just gives it a sniff and then walks away. I often wonder why he does it, but I guess it will remain a mystery.

  77. Oh, dear God. Jenny, you are hilarious, and the commenters on this blog are the best. I have been laughing for 10 minutes straight. Never change. Any of you. That’s an order.

  78. I saved a squirrel from my cat once. I’m a good animal nurse and knew the forest creature was in shock, so I treated it accordingly, housing it in an empty aquarium next to the fireplace so it would be warm. It revived during the night and was dismayed to find itself in a glass box. As it turned out, the cat had paralyzed it, so its attempts to regain its freedom were pitiful and doomed to failure. Long story short-I had to take it out and shoot it, and as a reward and a lesson in how Nature works, it bit me before I shot it. While waiting for for-blown rabies to develop, I examined my life and my driver’s license and discovered that my name wasn’t, in fact, Dr. Dolittle. This is useful information.

  79. Kudos for you for trying to save that dog!! I have “saved” countless random doggies I’ve seen roaming around…but have never been bit…they must sense I’d taste awful or something.
    I hope you’re ok!!!

  80. I’ve only been bit by a dog once. It was a tiny, old miniature schnauzer and it hadn’t moved at all until suddenly my hand was in pain and I was screaming! Then I realized I had been bitten so I went to look at the dog, and it was just laying there, again, peacefully.

    Little dogs are scarier than big ones!

  81. I can just picture this Jenny! These dogs just don’t understand when you’re trying to help them and this one was just lucky that you’re too darned nice to bite back. I bet you could have taught him a lesson if you were that way…..

  82. I once helped a dog who ran into my car (tire biter), putting a blanket over it to keep it from going into shock and trying to find its owner. She was on the hunt for the little guy. He turned out OK — a bit of a goose egg on the head and a slight phobia of the outdoors. The owner gave me a thank you gift. A keychain locket with a little bit of Yorkie hair inside. What do you say to that? I think I went with thank you.

  83. “Bit by a bitey dog” ” dogs think I am delicious”. You make me laugh so thanks for that.

  84. Once again, you have made me laugh so hard I almost threw up. thank you for being you.

  85. My grandpa had a nippy little Pekingese when I was growing up. For some reason, I was the only human she would let anywhere near her, but she would still try to bite me. I learned that the best way to pick up nippy dogs is to grab them by the head kind of like you would a snake, right behind their ears. They can’t swivel around to bite you that way.

  86. Oh my gosh, I needed this, this afternoon. Especially since I exactly know the feeling of chasing animals in roads and having people slam on the brakes at midnight, wondering what a woman in a trenchcoat is doing running down the middle of the road in the middle of nowhere, since I have done the same wave-down-traffic thing for cats AND random horses. But not dogs. Little bitey dogs are on their own, sorry.

  87. I have heard barbecue sauce makes skin softer but after a series of random dogs bit me I stopped using it. That’ll teach me to read Cosmo while standing at the checkout.

    Perhaps we read the same article.

  88. This has happened to me enough times that I keep a leash in the car. People say their dogs are like their kids, but if random strangers had to return my kids to me – limping – I’m pretty sure I’d be arrested…even if they were dressed appropriately for the weather.

  89. I got a tetanus shot last year because I knew getting bitten by wild animals was going to be a common occurrence. So far a squirrel has bit me, wolves have scratched me, a parrot tries to assassinate me whenever I clean his cage, fawns try to eat my hair and I have probably been nommed on by a few raccoons and rabbits. I keep hoping a vampire will bite me and turn me into his minion of darkness but so far none have been brought to me for rehabilitation.

  90. I really, really, needed this laugh. Thank you.

    And you, Jenny, you saved a life today. Even if you got bitten for your trouble, I imagine that while you can say that more often than most people, you still can’t say that every day. Congrats on a job well done.

  91. I chased after a dog for 5 miles once… turns out the dog was deaf and that’s why it wasn’t coming to me, but I finally caught her and got her home safe.

    I’m in the picking-up-random-dogs club because I can’t stand the thought of them being in the street. #doglover You deserve a medal for your good deed today 🙂

  92. Oh that poor baby! He must have been so scared to have bitten you. I know that sounds dumb. But you are the hero here! I think that’s what we need to focus on. If one of my dogs got out and got hit by a car, I’d be devastated. You are so sweet to go through all that for the pookie.

    You’re my hero Jenny!

  93. I swear, this is exactly something that would happen to me. Especially the part about your husband asking if it all happened during his conference call!

    A tip for the future- when trying to catch fashionable doggie runaways, always carry a towel. That way, you can toss it over his/her head and scoop it up before it realizes what happened!

  94. Also- I just realized I accidentally referenced a Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy with my reference to the usefulness of towels.

  95. Hi Jenny
    I think you should know that I just finished your first book, and I think it gave me an aneurism or three.
    See I was reading it in bed. And hubby was asleep beside me, and I didn’t want to wake him up cos then he’d have been all “don’t blame me when you’re tired tomorrow because you’re still up reading at 4am” and I’d have been guilted into putting the book down and getting some sleep. So I’m reading your book in the wee smalls and its so goddamned funny i’m doing belly laughs with my jaw clenched shut and a hand over my mouth to keep it shut, and i’m absolutely sure I burst something!
    Absolutely loved it and can’t wait for the next one!

  96. This sounds like my life. Something I would have done… and been wandering around with someone else’s tiny dog in a coat… Except I’d be talking to it too.. so then I would be looked at as doubly crazy.

  97. I had almost this exact same thing happen. Except my owner was ungrateful and also hated his bitey dog and told me I should have let the dog get hit by a car. So my new rule is not to help a dog that’s smaller than a cat.

  98. I can’t stop laughing. I read this out loud to my daughter and cocoa snorted out her nose. Yep. Thanks (hope you don’t need tetanus, and that you feel better, and that Victor doesn’t need to get a drone for you).

  99. Go get some sleep, Jenny. You’ve clearly had a very busy day of crazy.

  100. Jenny, Next time you see a coat wearing dog jumping in front of cars just shoot it and praise yourself for saving those poor drivers a lot of trauma.

  101. Just the other day we saw a dog running around in traffic wearing a bright pink harness, but she wouldn’t let us get close enough to grab her and find her owners. She ran off into the apartment parking lot barking at us, and I just had to hope her owners found her. fret

    I love you for catching the dog and returning it, even if it was bitey.

  102. Okay, I have what may be the best suggestion ever. Or not. It’s one or the other.

    Learn to lasso! You’re in Texas. And you chase after strange animals. It’s like this hobby was made for you!

    Also, well done. I’ve done this too and I’ve gotten bitten too and so we’re like dog zombie drool sisters. or something.

    I love people who care about dogs.

  103. That’s hilarious Jenny. I seriously loved it. I’d never pick up a small dog I didn’t know cos they’re the bitiest.Glad you haven’t got rabies 🙂

  104. I don’t have a medal, but I could make you a trophy, if you want. Picture this: a bronze woman standing with her hands on her hips, looking brave and heroic. There is a bronze yappy dog attached to each of her wrists… and maybe one on her ankle? And at the bottom of the trophy are the words “Dog Wrangler.” Or maybe just “F*** you, purse dogs!”

  105. I shouldn’t be saying it, but it was hilarious! And yeah, get well soon. 🙂

  106. Thank you for looking out for that dog, even though it bit you. I always try to pull over and find the owner when I see a dog running around on the street. People really need to keep a better eye on their animals!

  107. you’re from Texas, would it not just have been easier to shoot the damn thing? Then you coulda shot the owner to for reckless abandonment! Then you coulda sued the owners estate for damages for the bite and mental distress, oh wait, maybe not the last one 😉 xxxx

  108. I used to go to lots of rowing races with not many participants , so we all got (pretty nice) medals. I have a bunch and think we can convert one of them to a heroism medal for you. Give me an address or P.O. box and I’ll send it to you. It’ll be legitimate because I am awarding it so it means whatever I and you say it does. Congratulations. Nick

  109. I do think they make medals for dog bite victims and those who rescue animals. I think you should start selling medals in your shop.

  110. Sure, the dog’s had its shots, but is there even a shot available to stop dogs from becoming a zombie? If not, you don’t know that he wasn’t secretly undead. If so, can I at least take the shot myself, just in case it might work on humans too? You should ask the owner about the zombie shots, I think that’s the most important thing now.

  111. Dear Jenny, I’m the mother of a tiny purse dog who wears a coat and escapes my yard…so on behalf of my hypothetical escapee…thank you very much for rescuing her…Annabelle Grace would never have bitten you..she would have barked and given you a lick…you are made of awesome!

  112. 1- as a puppy mom: THANK YOU!! if Weasley were hurt I would want someone to get him and call me.

    2- this was a purse dog in a coat, i’m sure (s)he even had recently-brushed teeth. you’re fine. wash and put on some Neosporin.

  113. I’m so glad you don’t have rabies. But maybe check with your doctor, anyway. I heard a great NPR story on how people with rabies always die. Unless they have the magic anti-rabies (antibody) in them, meaning… they are vampires. I may have imagined a bit beyond the NPR story, but I think I’m right.

  114. Good job rescuing jerky purse dog. One clarification for everyone- they don’t give rabies shots in the stomach and haven’t for a very long time. I know because I had to get them after rescuing a starving Siamese kitten who bit my finger. (BTW don’t put wet food on your finger to lure starving cats into a carrier because you’re used to your own sweet cat who wouldn’t bite anyone- hello, DUMBASS!) It’s a super fun initial 5 shots- one of which is the TDAP (tetanus). The ER tech told me they’ve never even heard of anyone contracting tetanus but they always recommend it. Said shots locations- arm, arm, butt cheek, butt cheek, THIGH. Not a fun day but I did not die of rabies, which the ER tech also told me is inevitable if you contract it and super painful where your joints lock up and then you die. There are also 3 boosters afterwards. Rabies vaccinations = lots of fun. Kitty was ok- got her fixed up and spayed and she now lives with little old lady as lap cat.

  115. Maybe that poor dog was so embarrassed about being in a coat, it just lost its manners (and mind). If I were three apples high and wearing a stupid coat, I might get bite-y too.

  116. Jenny, thank you for being such a kind and compassionate person. Sometimes the animals don’t know you’re just trying to help them. I’ve been bitten twice. Once was by a stray dog who was hit by a car. The deputy sheriff chastised me, but I told him I would do it again. The poor dog was carted off to the shelter for quarantine. The way they handled her with the choke stick horrified me, and I’m still haunted by her face. I know they killed her. The second dog that bit me was my own! I was trying to keep my two dogs separated in a scuffle, and I had the larger one by her collar while I was trying to keep the smaller one away. The Beagle started it. Well, I lost my balance and landed on big girl, and she turned her head and bit my knee. I yelled her name, and she looked mortified. Finally, I got them separated and drove myself to the ED. Luckily, my dog and I were up-to-date on our shots.

  117. Are you kidding?!?!? You totally saved that dog from being a flat pancake wearing a coat. Its owner should have given you a medal, or at least some ‘thank you’ cookies. I have one of those bitey dogs and I would have been very appreciative if he had been running around willy-nilly.

  118. I laughed out loud picturing Victor’s confusion when you announced you don’t have rabies!

    Kudos for rescuing the little biter. And don’t feel badly about getting bitten. It wasn’t personal. My very own dog bit me in the chin because it wasn’t feeling well and I picked it up. (I had to pick it up to take it to the vet.)

    So it;s a testament of the dog’s mood, not an indictment of you as a cat person.

  119. I might as well share my random dog savior metal worthy story. So I was walking my dog yesterday on the same route we walk every day when I noticed a little brown puppy (about 45 lbs.) with a pink collar (no tags) roaming around outside the neighbor’s house. I know the neighbor’s grey dog but not this brown dog. The neighbors were not home. I noticed that their grey dog, which was inside the fence barking like crazy, had knocked out their sliding screen door…. I thought this stray dog has freaked out their dog and he’s having a fit. I don’t want the loose brown dog to get hit by a car so I grab a leash and go get her, she was super sweet and piddled as soon as I approached her. I gave her some water and a biscuit then put her in my car to drive around and see if I could find her owner. She was pretty much standing on my head and kissing me to death during this process. I didn’t find anyone looking for her so I drove to VCA Animal Hospital to see if she was chipped. No chip. I try to get back in my SUV but she won’t get out of my seat… so I pull her out by her collar and place her in the back seat. At this point it’s a race – which can get in my seat first – I barely won. Then she decides my leather arm rest is delicious. When I yelled at her to stop eating the arm rest she piddled in my car. I was thinking OMG, what am I going to do if I can’t find the owner? This puppy is nutso! The neighbor comes home from work and he’s freaking out – where’s Maggie? He was dog sitting for his Mom. I rescued a dog from its own home… watered it, fed it and took it for a car ride. Doh!

  120. As the owner of a little purse dog (given to me, not my choice) who likes to run with traffic and won’t let you pick her up, thank you for taking the time to chase down the bitey bitchy dog and rescue her!

  121. THANK YOU for being one of us that chase wayward dogs around the ‘hood. I spent an hour getting my neighbor’s Chihuahua back into their house recently. They didn’t even know it was outside and I was late for work. My reward is NOT seeing the dog run over, and this post from you, and RuthC (comment #41) describing Chihuahas as having ‘toothpicky legs’.

  122. I wish I had a dog biting story to share, but i don’t. However, my co-worker got bit by her cat. She thought she had rabies, but it turns out she’s good. The cat follows her around though, probably waiting for another chance to nibble on her.

    Side note, i finally bought your book and I’ve almost finished it in less than 12 hours (6 of which involved sleeping). So far my favorite part was when you thought your cat was a burglar-rapist while you were in the bathroom from taking those laxatives that one time.

    I really hope I can say ‘that one time’ because i hope you learned your lesson after that!

  123. @Wifely Person — When people eat vegetables…they’re vegetarians. So doesn’t that mean that Nippy the Purse Dog is a humanitarian and Jenny’s the snack?

  124. This was fantastic. Although I do apologize about the evil dogs in your life….I hope you meet some normal ones some day.

  125. I’m not sure that’s the flattery anyone wants. Thanks for trying to save the wretched ingrate’s life!

  126. Bless you for being willing to help a dog in need, despite being a Cat Person. I’m a dedicated Dog Person, but I too have bite scars from scared vulnerable dogs (and a few cats as well).

  127. How does this crazy shit manage to constantly find you? Although I suppose I could ask the same question about myself…

  128. I’m just thinking out loud here, but…your writing is delicious. The dog thinks you taste delicious. Do other things think you are delicious in other ways, like maybe your hair smells delicious? You might just have to accept that you ARE delicious. It’s okay if you need to sit down. It’s a lot to take in.

  129. Lol. You must have looked pretty nutty chasing after that little dog. Great story. I can’t wait for your next book. When will it hit the shelves?

  130. aboleyn wrote (WAY back in comment #67):

    “I once was bitten by a large French speaking poodle named Jose, but pronounced Josie…”

    Never mind how the dog PRONOUNCED its name, much less its size. I’m pretty sure you’re burying the lede here, aboleyn: you were bitten by a TALKING DOG! How awesome is that?

  131. After a long day at work involving dynamite, doorknobs, vaginas, and muffins, I really needed a giggle. Thank-you for your randomness.

    Fishcakes are awesome.

  132. In the dog’s defense, if I were limping through the streets narrowly avoiding be hit by cars and you tried to pick me up, I might try to bite you too. Unless I realized who you were, in which case I wouldn’t because I wouldn’t want everyone reading about it.

    Maybe it was aware of your taxidermy upbringing, and didn’t want to be next?

    Anyway, kudos to you for doing the right thing for the Macklemores of the canine world.

  133. I was bitten by a dog once too… well twice I guess but the first time was when I was very very young and only remember it because my mother can’t stop telling the story… and I have scars.

    But the one when I was in my early 20s… At the beginning of the country road my friend lived on there was a big dog that used to lunge at the cars that drove by. I’m not really sure why dogs do that.. it’s not like he was ever going to take a car down and it’s certainly not like anyone was EVER going to pull in to that driveway!

    Anyway – friend & I riding our bikes down the road, we were nearing the highway and the car lunger stood up (on the roof of the car in the driveway) so he could see us coming and we just kept our pace. Nothing new or unusual about this … until we neared and the dog started running. I laughed in anticipation of the inevitable ‘end-of-the-rope’ gag that would surely be coming since it appeared someone lengthened the chain and the dog would have no idea of his new boundaries. But he just kept coming. I was stunned when he actually came out the driveway, crossed the road and latched onto my calf.

    He didn’t do much damage and we crossed the highway to a store where my friend called the cops & the store owner got me some bandages. The store owner asked if we needed an ambulance because I guess I was mumbling and he thought I was in shock. When my friend finally pieced together what I was saying he burst out laughing and said we didn’t need an ambulance, that I was fine. Store owner asked for clarification and I said louder, “I just don’t understand why he bit me… I’M FUCKING SNOW WHITE!!!”

    I lost so much more than a few drops of blood that day.

    I can’t imagine how much worse it would have been if he had been wearing a coat!

  134. Now look, you:
    The scariest thing about this whole story is that you live in TEXAS. Seriously? Sometimes I just cannot tell when you’re kidding. I guess I never envisioned you anywhere geographically… You know, I hadn’t considered your physical whereabouts until now: you’re more a state of mind. LOL
    And listen – about that new book? I swear if you send me a copy, I will read it only once before passing it onto our Rural Bookmobile. I can give you my Librarian’s contact info so she can confirm its delivery. You may have doubts about me but she is a good, woman with up-to-date references. O please send me one!
    PS: I can tell you haven’t sent me your book yet because you didn’t ask for my snail mail address. O boohoo.

  135. Sorry, me again. I just wanted to correct my last post with reference to my comments on our Rural Bookmobile Genius Librarian. I wanted to say “she is a good, HONEST woman…” but entered a brief fugue state. Sorry!
    I felt obliged to write again, just in case you’re considering me for a valuable proofreading job.
    Or deserving of a free book.
    Thank you.

  136. One time I got bite BY MY OWN DOG. It was horrible. Thankfully no tetanus shot for me. Glad you’re okay, but tbh I burst out laughing on the bus and my fellow passengers thought I was crazy for sure.

  137. if it counts for anything, I hereby award you a Medal of Honor and 1,000 kudos for being the kind of person to risk RABIES and LOSING YOUR HAND for the sake of a little pup’s safety. so congratulations. and don’t spend those kudos all in one place.

  138. It gladdens my poor little heart to know there’s people like you to chase after animals that are going missing. I can imagine that my cats would be in good hands if you found one wandering around.

  139. This reminds me of the time I got home and all of the cows were out, specifically in my garden. I had to pee, because I always have to pee when I get home, but I got out of the car and started chasing them. Keep in mind, I was really, really irritated that they were in garden, so I started chasing, screaming at the top of my lungs, thinking that it would be much easier to chase them with a high powered rifle, and of course, peeing down my legs. (Having to pee, being 47 years old, and running are not a good combination). Add screaming to the list…well, you get the picture. Thank goodness we didn’t have neighbors. I’m sure I still wouldn’t be out of the pysch ward.

  140. you only need a tetanus shot like every ten years. and that’s usually rusty metal, right? not dogs. unless the dog also had braces… then you might be in trouble.

  141. I’m pretty sure that was my dog that bit you. My dog bites. But she’s big, not purse-size. And she never wears a coat. And I live in Ohio. So, never mind, I don’t think that was my dog after all.

  142. Thanks for being so kind as to follow the dog for miles to make sure it was safe and then for not beating the crap out of it after it bit you. If we ever meet in person, I’m going to follow you around at a safe distance with my video camera. I think this could be an academy award winning flick and I’d get to meet George Clooney and Brad Pitt when I accept my Oscar.

  143. Maybe the dog was an assassin sent to take out the president of the Unicorn Success Club. Nobody expects a cute little purse dog in a coat.

    On the plus side, the dog didn’t succeed, and you didn’t need to get rabies shots.

  144. Seriously, you had me at, “So I was just sitting here in my office when I saw a dog wearing a coat who was walking across my yard.”. I don’t understand the kismet that causes animals in apparel randomly crossing into your line of vision. I realize now that I could be a world famous blogger too if one of my neighbors would just open a haberdashery for zoo animals.

  145. You are up to date with tetanus shots since you said you know you got one four years ago. Tetanus shots are good for ten. I had to get mine updated after I got bitten by a rat I was working with. In the interest of related but unfortunate information that most people probably will not know but maybe should, in many places if the dog was a stray and had bitten anyone and had no proof of up to date rabies vaccinations, it would have to be put down. This is true of any animal designated as a rabies vector species. Feral cats are actually big rabies carriers.Other species include but are not limited to groundhogs, skunks, foxes, and bats. They are required to be put down because they have to dissect the brain in order to determine whether the animal has rabies. Mostly where I was going with this is that if it’s a stray, calling animal control may be the best choice because sadly it could otherwise just result in the animal needing to be put down. The animal control people should already be vaccinated against rabies.

  146. I was bitten by an iguana this week. My one comfort was,”At least they can’t carry Rabies.” I’m sorry the doggie did not realize what a wonderful person you are for keeping it away from speeding cars, but I give you kudos.

  147. There is nothing else in the whole world that makes me just giggle and giggle the way I do when I read one of your posts. Not even my grandchildren who are absolutely delicious and funny.

  148. I’ve been bitten by bugs, which drives me buggy. And last summer a yellow jacket flew up my pants leg and bit me eight times in the thigh. Dog bites? I don’t want to imagine. You’re a brave soul.

  149. If being bitten by random dogs is an excuse for typos, does being molested by my own cat count too?
    Currently she’s actually being quite good – sitting on my lap, purring, with her chin on my right wrist. It’s only making it a little bit difficult to type 😉

  150. I’m not a huge fan of dogs, mainly because a pitbull once bit me in the ass — so I probably wouldn’t try to save a big dog (unless it was smiling and wagging its tail — but then again, that could just be a ruse to draw me in closer, as apparently, I am a tasty morsel). I’d totally try to save a tiny dog — unless it was an angry chihuahua — because those are terrifying,

  151. One time when I was in high school, my step father had taken up bicycle riding (with an artificial leg). Well he was riding by this house and this little yappy dog comes screaming out the door and running after him trying to bight his leg! Fido’s owner was an elderly woman who ran out yelling at her dog to stop. Well my step-dad went to kick the dog away from his leg and it flew off into the woman’s yard and my dad plied up after it, the woman turned green and the dog tried to run away with it!
    Thought you’d enjoy a family story from the White-house! Blessings!

  152. these are my favorite posts of yours…the long, rambling, hilarious ones

  153. Been there, done that. Although the bitey dog was attacking my dog. Then bit through an artery on my leg. Whatever. I still go after random loose dogs…I caught a giant black poodle playing tin the snow a few weeks ago, and almost had to take him to work with me. Sadly, I found his person, because I was instantly in love with the giant black frolicking poodle. Giant black poodles are not bitey. I keep a leash on my front porch, in my car and in one of my jackets.. the one I wear when you need a jacket but not a real coat, you know? When I am most likely to be out walking.. that one. Even though I don’t like its yellow lining. I agree with those who say that for a cat person ( I have five of those, and one big dog with one eye) you are very dog friendly. Five stars for animal loving.

  154. Tetanus shots are good for 7 years. Daughter had to have one this past year just to be up-to-date on her blue card for school.

    Lisa…I think your parenthetical is maybe in the wrong place. maybe…my stepfather (with an artificial leg)… I’m not judging, just offering an opinion.

  155. I have had the exact same thing happen to me, except my husband is not named Victor. The last time it happened I was barefoot and in pajamas, but apparently that is not enough to keep me from chasing a strange dog half a mile down the street only to get bitten for trying to help it.

  156. I should have read this last week but I was out of town…and so now you just MADE my Monday morning…thank you….and if you haven’t started turning into a zombie by now, it’s probably safe to assume you are immune.

  157. I’m glad I’m not the only one this happens to. I fell like I’m ALWAYS the one finding a dog some dipshit let get out. Last time it happened, it was nighttime and I could not get the dog to come to me but it kept running out into the road like “your” dog AND it was a purse-dog! (OMG WTF!!!) So then this guy comes out of his house and I was like “Are these your dogs?” and he’s all “Yeah, I LET them out. They have to go!” like oh NBD so I told him “Yeah well they were running around in the STREET.” and he did NOT even care.
    People amaze me.
    The end.

  158. Apparently, mosquitoes feel the same way about me (I’m like chocolate-covered mosquito crack sprinkled with caviar and double-dipped in wine. Or something.)
    Cool blog. You should check out & follow my sassy dog’s blog for a laugh 😉

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