It takes a lot to faze me. Consider me fazed.

in Random Crap

So, I get weird shit in the mail all the time because I have readers who know me and who see weird shit and automatically think of me.  I’d like to think that’s a compliment.  Last week someone sent me a severed hand on a stick.  I’ve gotten scrotums and cobras and a box of dead hamster and books on Victorian venereal diseases and old taxidermy manuals and each time I think “My God, I’ve found my tribe” and Victor thinks “Is it too late to divorce her?”  And the answer to both of these is a resounding “Oh, hell yes“.

And today I opened a box from a reader (Stefano) who I once met at a reading.  He is lovely and Italian and he found this in a small shop in New York and thought I needed to have it because his wife was afraid it was going to eat their faces off while they slept.

She has a point, Stefano.

Hi. You're never going to sleep again.
Hi. You’re never going to sleep again.

Hang on.  I’m shrinking down more pictures.  You need to see the rest of this but it’s publishing slowly.  Probably because this creature is busy eating your computer screen so it can get to you.  Just saying.

More coming…

Photo #2 for everyone going “WHAT IS THAT?”.  It’s a mermaid, you guys.  Obviously.

Like Sea Monkeys if they were on steroids and wanted to eat you.
Like Sea Monkeys, if they were on steroids and then you forgot to feed them and then they crawled out of their tank and wanted to eat you.

It would be easier to say that this terror doesn’t belong in my house, except that it fits perfectly between the insect funeral scenes and the dead mice playing musical instruments.

I didn't even add a filter here. It exudes it's own filter.
I didn’t even add a filter here. It exudes it’s own filter.
It looks shocked. It might be mocking me.
It looks shocked. Or it might be mocking me.  Frankly, everyone in the house looks a lot like this at the moment.

There’s grass and stuff in its mouth and I want to take it out but I’m pretty sure that’s a trick to get you to feed yourself to it.  Not falling for it, mermaid.

Regardless, the bar has been set, people.

Stefano, my hat is off to you.  Also, please clean out a spare bedroom as we will be sleeping at your house until we have ours blessed by a priest.  A young one and an old one.

PS.  Someone asked what the cats think of it.  Ferris Mewler is hidden in a cupboard.  Hunter S. Thomcat is keeping an eye on the situation.

He'll never eat fish again.
He’ll never eat fish again.

564 thoughts on “It takes a lot to faze me. Consider me fazed.”

Read comments below or add one.

  14. Much awesome. Why would anyone want to unsee this? I can think of a few places I wouldn’t want to see him (her? it?) though. First thing when I wake up is one that springs immediately to mind.

  18. That’s pretty horrifying, though I’d say I think sending someone a scrotum is at least a tiny bit weirder. Close call, really.

  21. The good news is that you’ll never be bothered by door to door salesman or Jehovah’s Witness’ ever again if you put this out on your front porch 🙂

  27. AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You warned me on Twitter and I came here to look anyway, what was I thinking????
    (PS Not to be a spelling Nazi but can you please change your “phase” to “faze” for me?)

  29. I’m already having computer issues so this will probably be the last straw!

  34. Well, at least I know what my nightmares are going to be about tonight…

  36. Wait!!! It looks like a petrified Voldemort partial soul that died when Harry died and they were in that weird Kings Cross-like place!

  39. Now that you own this, you must see this. You will probably never sleep again, but it’s a small price to pay.

    (And just quietly, so NOT signing this girl up for my zombie apocalypse team).

  41. That is the most terrifying thing I have ever seen! Hence, I must have one to go in my living room right now.

  49. My first instinct is SCIENCE THE FUCK OUT OF IT and figure out what the hell it actually is…I’m both terrified and fascinated. Also, it’s kind of zombie-trendy (are zombies still a thing?).

  54. I bet that … critter was really fun when it was shambling about and stealing people’s toes.

  55. I really need to know what this is made of. Plaster? Paper mache? An entire mummified deformed child? PCP?

    (My money’s on the PCP.)

  61. She’s keening for a wig and a chiffon neckerchief to compliment her tattered sea lace?

  62. This is awesome. I’m going to have nightmares tonight, but it will be worth it. You need some sort of suspension system so when people come over it will whisk by and grab their hat. Maybe put a box of hats outside for people that don’t have one.

  66. omg that is so rad. I wouldn’t want it in my own house of course. :))

  67. Fishing net, tutu, same diff. She’s awesome. Congrats on the new addition.

  68. Spongebob Squarepants comes to mind: “Ma! Do you wanna buy some chocolate?” But She was a worm and not a mermaid. Still. Definitely looks like her. Weird.

  71. It’s oddly compelling, but I’m still glad it’s at your house and not mine. 😀

  72. Holy shitnipples. I’ve always highly respected but kept a careful distance from your taxidermy stuff. I have a thing, and I can’t explain it, but it keeps me from eating red meat/pork, too. Just makes me shudder. But THIS, this masterpiece. It has changed my heart (or stolen my soul, I’ll get back to you on that.) I love it. It’s… beautiful.

  74. I’ve seen something like that on TV. People thought it was a real mermaid but it was a monkey fused to a fish. But that still didn’t prepare me for this. I expected something disturbing but I thought it was going to act like the girl from The Ring and crawl out of my screen. Oh shit. This page is still open. ..

  75. Are you sure that’s not an oceangoing black Lectroid from Planet 10?

  78. Is it the lighting or that cameras can’t do it justice, but is it…..furry?

  83. By the gods, help me in my geekiness, I actually know what that is… If you were in Northern Canada, this looks very much like a Sedna. It’s a scary-ass creature in Inuit mythology. There are many versions of how she died, but in all of them, she was taken out to sea and thrown out of her father’s kayak and when she tried to catch hold to save herself, he chopped off all her fingers. Feel the love. No wonder she looks pissed….

  85. Tweezers…
    For the grass…
    If it is bothering your compulsions but you don’t want to use your fingers. Jenny, please don’t use your fingers. Because I love it, and also don’t want you to feed it. You know how it is.

  91. If you stick your fingers in its mouth, it will eat them. Resist the temptation. And get that thing exorcised STAT.

  92. Bloody hell, THIS is the one thing that will scare me more than the old statues at The Palace of Fine Arts in SF.

  93. Yes, what Stan said. And as a mermaid scholar (it’s a thing, I swear) I am really jealous.

  95. Of course the sensitive middle child chose that moment to walk behind me and peer over my shoulder at the computer screen….

  102. It looks like you just busted it doing something really embarrassing. Its face says to me “Wait, this isn’t what it looks like! I can explain! DON’T TELL MY PAROLE OFFICER!”

  103. It’s the eyes, those black soulless eyes, they…

    Oh, hello. How are you? I welcome our Mermaid overlords, don’t you? Come look closely…

  104. 1)I feel like she needs a single glittery bow on her head. Red perhaps. Ruby slippers style.

    2) I long to hear the back story of how this creature came into existence in the first place. It’s got to be amazing!

  106. Me again. Halloween will be awesome for you this year. I can just imagine this darling creature greeting the neighborhood kiddies at the door, while dead mice play instruments on the porch and Beyonce hands out eyeball candy. By the way, I think you should name this one “Demonica Lewinsky”. EPICNESS.

  107. That’s not a mermaid. IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING GRINDYLOW. A water demon. For God’s sake, they grab little children with their sinewy hell-arms and drown them if they come too close to the water’s edge. KILL IT WITH FIRE. IMMEDIATELY.

  110. Why? And why does it look like the expression changes just a little bit in each photo?

  115. “It exudes it’s own filter” has me in stitches, either that or I am so terrified. Kind of like when I was a kid and got the giggles at funerals. I am revisiting that moment right now. I love creepy but this is beyond creepy. Someone please send Jenny some Sage to burn. Stefano, that means you!

  116. omg, it’s a dead Bubble Guppie.I hope it’s Deema, she is fucking annoying.

  118. I think we now know what was inside the box at the end of the movie “Seven.”

  121. If the insect funeral scenes start looking empty, you know what/who to blame.

  122. I’ve just added an item to my bucket list. Before I die, I want to take a tour of your house… or at least the rooms that have all of the weird stuff.

  126. I was thinking that I was jealous of the things your fans send you. Till I saw this shit. Thanks for the permanent insomnia for the rest of my life. Which is probably not going to be long as that thing has already started devouring my soul through my laptop’s screen.

  129. It’s times like this that I have to laugh, because I just shouted “Jesus-tap dancing-Christ, Jenny, why?” And then I thought that maybe you wouldn’t appreciate me calling you by name since I have never met you, and then I worried that you might not like me shouting about Jesus at you, and then I wondered when tap dancing was invented, you know on the off chance that Jesus really did….. you know what, never mind. I was about to try to go to sleep, but now that won’t work. Seriously, would you put a warning in the post title next time someone sends you an undead soul-eating mermaid. Is that too much to ask? Because you know someone will.

  131. I feel like reading this post while in bed hoping to sleep SAFELY and soundly was a poorly crafted plan. I’m fairly certain that in any horror movie, that thing would eat someone’s face off.

  133. I really wish I hadn’t just started eating my dinner when I read this.

  137. Perfect for Halloween. Put it on your front steps and put a bowl of candy behind it. Place a note under its hands saying, “Pass me to get candy… if you dare :O”

  139. This is one of those things that is so scary that I have actual tears of fear welling up.

  140. I actually said, “Holy Shit!” when that thing came up on my screen. That’s the most horrifyingly awesome thing I’ve ever had the misfortune to see. It’s the stuff of nightmares.

    BTW, what name have you decided to bestow on this terrible thing?

  141. That’s not just a mermaid. That’s a fucking soul-sucking undead mermaid. I’m assuming this is what happens when dementors have one night stands with mermaids.

  142. I had the unfortunate luck of being in the middle of dinner when I opened this. I froze with the fork in my mouth and could do nothing but stare for a few long moments. Um, congratulations on your new arrival?

  147. This sexy monster is soooo taking a selfie. I just don’t know why his captor didn’t bother to taxidermy his celly?! No artistic vision on his part!

  148. So I’m in bed looking through Twitter and right as the picture pops up my husband jerks in his sleep. I think I wet the bed. That’s terrifying.

  149. That looks like… a Dementor crossed with a Pike. This is worrying.

    Why is this worrying? Because a Pike eats EVERYTHING. A Dementor EATS SOULS.

    Basically, run. The Elder Gods have released their pilot fish.

  150. OK…call me sick and twisted but I see I “human eating fish” with a small toddler stuck in its mouth. The toddler is scared and amazed at what is happening.

  151. It reminds me of The Thing, a, well, thing on display at a roadside museum between Tucson and Wilcox on I-10. The last time we went through there it was still there, surrounded by other interesting items, and cost a buck or two to go through and see “The Thing.” The last remaining oddity of a great era…

  152. Is that one of those things you hang on the wall, push a button, and it sings “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”……???? T:)

  153. That’s the scariest fucking thing ever, & you’re going to LIVE in your house w/it? …please tell me the human end is not real? Bc, that can’t even be legal. So, dinner party at your house? Not. Holy yikes.

  154. You know that show “Oddities?” With creepy mermaids, scrotums, and your stuffed menagerie, you could open your own store whenever you wanted!

  155. It’s hard to believe that someone actually planned for this to look like this. Maybe it’s a plan interrupted and he got lazy and said…”Oh! I don’t want to do anymore…I’ll just slap a fish on the back end…no one will know…

  157. Thank you, Jenny, and special thanks to Stefano. For adding this to be shared forever through the WWW.
    A tidbit: “W” resonates to the number “6” so WWW=666

  159. From his dilated pupils and the angle of his ears, HST looks conflicted. “Should I make friends with it? Should I kill and eat it? But what if it’s already dead? What if eats ME? But I must be brave and protect my humans. Wait, shouldn’t they be protecting me? Must show no fear. MAKE IT GO AWAAAAY!!!”

  161. So I showed this beauty to my 12 year old daughter. Her reply? “What the SHIT, Mom!?!”
    I know- I don’t even try anymore. At least the worry I had about my baby being switched in the hospital has been dispelled. She’s definitely my daughter…

  162. Ahhh yes, and what does it say about your tribe that some of us (like yours truly) immediately both flich and squeal, “OMG, it’s a fiji mermaid?!”

  164. Holy crap, I’d rather watch 6 episodes of Walking Dead in a row than see that again.

    I’ll bet mermaids are actually this scary.

  165. I am pregnant, and this will be what shows up playing the part of my little ‘foetaljuice’ in all my hormone-driven dreams from here on out.

  167. I am worried for you. Get out of the house while you still can. IT WANTS TO EAT YOU DEAD. But in case you were worrying, I’m not worried ABOUT you. This all makes perfect sense to me. Wait, now I’m worried about me… Time for another Xanax.

  168. Well, if you need a priest-ish someone, I am a semi-young ordained minister who has friends who are also old and younger ministers! Pretty sure we’d travel to bless your house and mermaid-like-demon. You just let us know and we can make it happen. Hope you sleep well tonight!

  169. Oh no. I already have stress dreams about work. If this guy (girl?) appears in my nightly mental meanderings I’m calling you, Jenny…at Stefano’s, of course.

  171. What the fuckity fuck?! That is, tell me the skull is not a skull, or at least tell me it’s an ape AND then burn it before it eats the cats

  174. I have gotten a bedpan filled with tootsie rolls in the mail but this takes the cake. Seriously though, what is it really????

  176. I should have heeded your warning on Twitter and not come to check it out… but I just couldn’t leave well enough alone could I?? Good God, that thing is so horrifying. I am disturbed by the fact that Stefano actually bought/owned it. (Also, Jen’s comment above nearly made me wake up my children I was laughing so hard)

  179. I just woke my husband up because I was laughing so hard. He seemed a little mad until I mad him read your post and now he forgives me completely. Just wow!

  181. This thing is obviously in the middle of a rousing rendition of “Part of Your World”, you just need to remove the grass.

  183. This actually made me scream “What the flowery fuck IS that thing?!” out loud. That goddamn voodoo skele-fish is scary enough that it frightened cats in Seattle. That’s like at least 65 states away, if you count Wyoming a few dozen times. I always do, because I feel kinda sorry that hardly anyone lives there. Poor lonely state.

  184. I now aspire to exude my own filter. Brilliant.

    The Little Mermaid is now somewhat tarnished in my head. “Look at this stuff, isn’t it- OH MY GOD!!!!”, and then pee comes out.

    Those liquorice button eyes are not working one bit, either.

    I’m allergic to water, all of a sudden!

  185. Wow, I thought you were talking about the big orange creature sitting behind the mummified mermaid. That’s why I was freaked out!

  187. Jesus fuck. That’s exactly what I needed to see while up with the baby at 1 a.m. No, really. It will ensure I don’t accidentally fall asleep and drop her. Because I’ll likely not sleep for awhile, now.

  189. Are you sure it’s not a dead alien mermaid. Check around for a guy who looks like Rod Serling. Or Fox Mulder. Possibly taxidermied.

  191. Now you need a series of billboards leading to your office advertising “The Mermaid that God Forgot” …in just 18 more steps…12 more paces!…You’re almost there kids!!…Here He Comes!!!…Exit Now for the Death Mermaid!!!!

  192. If it were much, much smaller I would say it belongs in your haunted dollhouse. It’s awesome!

  193. I’m a fairly hard person to scare, probably because I enjoy it so much. For whatever reason, it did not even occur to me that you might have photographed something truly disturbing, because yeah sure, whatever, I can totally handle this.

    I will never doubt you again.

    That is the single creepiest real-life object I have ever seen in my life, and I have to go to bed now, so thanks for the nightmares! kisses

  194. Holy crap I cannot WAIT to show this to my daughter. I will let you know what her 14 year old reaction is. She loves your site, btw and I think she wants to adopt your cats and your daughter, personally. Possibly you too.

    sigh Fortunately for her, I won’t get her out of bed at 2:14 am even though she’s homeschooled and TECHNICALLY she doesn’t have any activities until 7pm tomorrow…hmmm.

  195. It looks lucky. 🙂 I love its “Oh, hey, didn’t expect you to come home early and see me going through your underwear drawer” facial expression. 🙂

  196. All I can think of is American Horror Story and other terrifying movies, books, et. Creeeeeepy.

  197. Terrifying and awesome! I would love one if only I wasn’t so scared that it doesn’t even need to be in the same room to get me. I think it might even be able to suck souls through the computer screen!

    I love the insect funerals by the way!

  199. Needs a crystal ball to look into and a scarf round her noggin, some verdigris and gold jewelry and a small carpet bag to either set close by or dangle from her arm. The Oracle will see for you. Aurelia is a pretty good name.

  200. can I borrow this for my son’s birthday which is also happens to be Halloween because I’m putting this into his bed and I am going to screw with the boy. This is what we do. I know great parenting. Right?

  202. I would imagine it’s a gaff used in some sort of side show attraction. I wonder if they bought it at the shop in oddities?

  203. He’s actually quite sweet looking in comparison to the one I’ve seen in Banff, Canada. That one has pointy teeth and looks not dissimilar to shrunken heads from days of yore.

  207. I am so very scared, right now. Not only will I need to double and triple check my locks, ensure all my doors are firmly closed and check under my bed… I’m somehow going to have to be floating above the ground during it, so this thing can’t get at me.

  209. Waaauw. Never seen anything like it. Wouldn’t want it in my house, though, but I think it is awesome – it would fit in with my books…

  211. What the holy living fuck-crap?? I’m sort of jealous but also, I like sleep. So I’m mostly not. I AM going to have my head blessed though as I think this may crawl out of my thoughts and eat my face while I sleep.

  213. I second the motion to stay out of the house until it’s been blessed. You should probably get a rabbi, an Imam, and a buddhist priest to bless it too — just to cover all your easily accessed bases.

    That thing is so creepy.

  214. Somehow, I pictured mermaids as red-headed.

    Oh wait. That’s Disney. Not Bloggess.

    My mistake.

    Team Stefano’s wife here. I would definitely mail this to you if it were in my living room.

  217. My first impression: That thing’s facial expression looks like an alien who ended up on the wrong end of the probe.

  220. I think I’ll keep my Thor and Egyptian gods collection I have going. None of that will make me wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night.

    Although that scares me, it is also completely fucking awesome. 😀 Bravo Stefano!!

  221. Dang. It’s a fiji mermaid – I know because I drooled (not literally, that would be gross and possibly bring it to life) all over one at a Halloween convention but unfortunately it was too rich for my blood and/or it needed to go home with a virgin so I couldn’t get it. The one I saw was decorated in a crate with fish netting and other things (innocent babies? ) to make it feel like it was at home (in the depths of hell, obviously). You’re a lucky gal and/or about to be overtaken in your sleep tonight. Either way, cool gift!

  222. Nice trick! Glad you figured out the mermaid’s trap to get you to feed yourself to it! Thank God for Hunter! Ferris is probably just waiting for the correct moment to strike..

    I love you Jenny.

    carry on.

  224. OMG you have a sideshow mermaid!! that’s wonderful! ok, so this poor lil dear is a bit… creepifying… but come on! these guys are hard to come by. plus, how would you feel if you were taxidermied onto a carp? I mean a horse, sure, then i’d be the centaur ruler of the galaxy, nach, but a carp? poor lil spider monkey. just keep telling him that this makes him awesome and unique and i’m sure he’ll relax some.

  226. Chelsie | March 18, 2014 at 7:45 pm
    That’s not a mermaid. IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING GRINDYLOW. A water demon. For God’s sake, they grab little children with their sinewy hell-arms and drown them if they come too close to the water’s edge. KILL IT WITH FIRE. IMMEDIATELY.”

    Why does a GRINDYLOW strike a chord with me?? I know that. Where did I learn it? Oh please brain, find the drawer that knowledge is stored in!

  227. Is it weird that I want one, but want to burn that one at the same time? I mean, it’s awesome, but it’s also terrifying. Is their a word for that?
    I think Julie is right – it’s a Grindylow! (Grindylows are in Harry Potter Julie – if that helps you find the brain drawer!)

  228. ACK! Can’t edit replies! “Is THERE a word for that?”
    (I know the difference, really!)

  229. @Julie- Harry Potter.

    I woke up this morning and popped open my iPad to check out what I was missing on the interwebs, and I ended up staring at this, with my 5 yr old daughter (who joined my mid-night after having a nightmare) laying right beside me. I was terrified she would see it and then I would never sleep alone again, but I couldn’t look away. So, thanks for that, I guess…

  231. Oh. My. You are lucky to have such good friends. It’s the eyes that bother me. And the fingers…

  232. It looks like Hunter S Tomcat is planning on eating it the next time you leave the house so… no worries, until you have to take him to the vet or get him exorcized.

  233. Errm.. Right. Well. That’s an image that is never going to leave me. Thanks!

    x

  235. PS Have you read The Wee Free Men by Terry Prachett? I know you like Gaiman and Practchett isn’t really the same sort of thing at all, but the Tiffany Aching series of books are lovely. (And not scary/creepy like the Merthing.)

  237. SHIT SNACKS SCOOBY DO!!!
    I will be with Ferris in the cabinet and we will be sharing Ambien. We will never mention this again.

  241. Oh, phor phuck’s sake…the spell checkers obviously don’t understand that your use of “phased” was not only intentional but necessary in this situation. I think it is a mummified mermaid baby unearthed from Pompeii……where the lava met the Sarno river. Of course. I mean – why else did an Italian bring this to you?

  242. We carnival people recognized her before we even saw her tail. She is a fiji mermaid. Fear not.

  243. Want to know why there is grass in its mouth other than to lure you into sticking a meaty and delicious finger in there? When these where made by scam artists they would take the monkey skulls out and sell them separately then stuff the head with a bunch of dry grass and crap to make the head skin round again. now that it is nice and dry the grass is falling out and creating a nice trap for those of us with type a personalities or OCD that cant stand to see little strand of shit hanging out of possessed demons faces.

    Maybe a nice hat or scarf would friendly it up some??

    A MONOCLE!!! That’s what that little asshole needs make him less face eat-y looking!!

  244. you can tell hunter doesn’t trust it by the way he’s holding his ears. he knows it can’t chase him, since his legs are relaxes, but hunter has NO IDEA what this thing might try and is preparing for anything.

  245. The fact the mermaid fits into your home décor perfectly makes me want to squish your guts, in a good way. Not in a creepy mermaid I want to eat your face off when you are sleeping way.

  246. I was just wondering what I could do to cause my already-rampant insomnia to increase exponentially. Hmmm….wonder what the Bloggess is up to? Problem solved.

    But is it still technically insomnia if you don’t sleep at all?

  247. Holy crap, no doubt the funniest thing I have read in a long time!! What the fuck is that thing?!? Freaking hysterical, I was laughing at this blog so hard it made me cry….!

  249. Holy shit. I’d take it into the back yard, douse it with holy water and then blast it with a shotgun. I’d gather up pieces and put them in dumpsters that were in different states. To prevent that thing from ever reforming.

    (And I’m Jewish and my tribe doesn’t usually have holy water.)

  250. OMG IT’S A FIJI MERMAID. It’s awful and creepy and I want it. #superjealous #ohshitamIcrazierthanthebloggess #yeahIguessIam

  251. OH…and if you put some googly eyes on it, and maybe a wig, it would be less scary and MORE AWESOME.

  252. @Anubis Bard—-Bwahahahaha!!!!!!!
    Congrats to Stefano on the find!!!
    Personally, I think it’s a “she” and would look wonderful with the red sparkly bow someone suggested….

  253. It appears it once had a unicorn horn on the midparietal section of its head. You should find who performs cornuplasty on chimeras and get it done

  254. HO-LEE shitballs. Please make this look happier, less creepy, less like it will kill me in my sleep. You’re creative. If I ever see this mermaid skeletor whatever it is again, it better be dressed up and be comforting. Also. For the love of God, do NOT put your hand in it’s mouth. I will now add this comment and not scroll up to see this thing again. But go Stefano, he seems to know you well! 🙂

  256. That is terrifying! But, if a thief breaks into your house, he’ll probably see your oddball collection and run the hell away because a) he’ll have already pissed himself and b) who would want to steal that stuff anyway?!

  258. I think this is absolutely darling! I do think a wig in a stylish bob, perhaps with a bow on top would complete the look. Maybe in a lime green to complement the tones of decay.

  259. Look, I’m not wishing you any ill will but I can hardly wait for your fucking estate sale.

  260. I believe it was the little mermaid (or perhaps finding nemo?) that taught me that horizontal tail fins are good (i.e. dolphins) and vertical tails fins are bad (i.e. sharks)

  261. That’s the weirdest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. That’s creepy horror movie material.

  262. I opened this while covering the reception desk and everyone who walked through the lobby could see it. Needless to say, I’m now given a wide berth by everyone in the office.

  264. Holy fuck that might be the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen. Certainly the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen someone use as part of their home decor. Makes Copernicus look like a fucking Cabbage Patch Kid.

  265. A Fiji mermaid! HOLYFUCKBALLSYOUOWNAFIJIMERMAID! This is why you’re on my sidebar under the heading “She Is Our God Now.”

  266. Holy hell, even the cat is scared! At the first picture, I thought, yes, scary, but is it really worse than a scrotum? And then came the fish tail, and I decided, YES. It is most definitely worse than a scrotum.

  269. Kinda looks like it’s making one of those heart symbols with it’s wretched little fingers, no? But in more of a ‘I will remove your heart while you’re sleeping’ kinda way…

  271. Seriously fucking awesome beyond words! Hats off to Stefano, I bow before your ability to find the creepiest taxidermy animal/mythical creature ever.

  272. What I wouldn’t give to have a fiji mermaid. You are one lucky woman Jenny!

    Also, seeing as you tend to make things better and mention the musical instrument playing mice; can you find him a little saxophone or something judging by the way his hands look positioned it may work? Or a submarine sandwich? Okay – I’ll stop now, but just know that I am jealous.

  273. I swear I once saw a “Mysteries at the Museum” episode where this thing was kept as an exhibit. Someone had apparently at one time put together two or more creatures and created this and it became some kind of circus side show.

  274. Today is my birthday, and that is SO not the gift I wanted!!
    ; )
    But, yeah…it’ll be tough to ever top Stefano!

  275. Any zombie cemeteries nearby? He/she seems like an appropriate guard or mascot for that type of thing.

  277. Apparently, my 7 year old daughter should belong in your family……… I showed it to my teen sons, thinking they would find it funny, but she came up behind me- “Awww…Mom, it’s adorable. It’s really pretty creepy, but it is still adorable.”
    Also, I have some holy water and I think I may sprinkle it around my computer tonight so that thing can not come into my home through the computer screen……

  280. It’s a Fiji mermaid!! funny, I was just researching these yesterday for a new painting I’m going to start working on.

  281. OMFG Jenny! That is the creepiest creature I have seen to date. Not surprised you own it. LOL. Just when I think there’s nothing to top your last addition, something like this happens. Can see why Stefano’s wife wanted that out of the house. If I have nightmares tonight, I’m blaming you.

  283. Yeah, I’m scared. Seriously the stuff of nightmares! I’m so glad that he has a home. I say he as it looks like a young male mermaid. Would that be a merboy? Meryouth?

  284. Well, that’s certainly interesting…in the best MInnesotan sense of the word. Cleared this was phased in from an alternative universe. Interestingly, while Face Book says “Phased” your blog says “fazed” although in this case the former “phase” could seriously be correct.

    Either way, you gotta admit, that’s pretty weird.

  285. Yes. It is scary. I will grant you that. Scary. But you know what’s terrifying? Somewhere on this planet, there exists a person who woke up one morning and decided THAT would be his work for the next while. I think I could survive sitting in a room with the mermaid. Not completely sure I could say the same about its creator.

  287. Just when I think you can’t surpass my wow factor, you surpass my wow factor!! WOW!

  289. My word. Stefano sent you a Fiji Mermaid. This one is very well done! A taxidermist (of varying skill) would merge half a monkey with the body of a fish to create these things, and sell them to huge amounts of money to the gullible. It was all the rage for a short while in history. You seem to have acquired a very nice specimen. The grass inside the mouth is stuffing – it helps the body retain shape.

    Most excellent!

  294. A Fiji Mermaid!!! I could’ve used one of these on the 1st. I got married, the theme was Sideshow and the venue redecorated and relocated their Fiji Mermaid to some mysterious hidden location. You lucky girl!

  295. While I find this a little disturbing, the scientist in me wants to have it x-rayed! Or in a CT scan, or maybe an MRI? It would be cool to see the skeletal structure of this thing. My curiosity is getting the better of me. I know it would destroy the mystery of it all, my bad.

  296. Super awesome! This type of thing, by the way, is what Barnum used in his museums in the 19th century to get people to think he had found evidence of mermaids!

  298. This is clearly from another planet and therefore proves the existence of The Doctor and the TARDIS.

    You’re welcome.

    Now get that guy back here so he can take this thing HOME, for the love of Pete.

  301. I want this so bad and I would display it proudly the next time my sister, who is afraid of everything and thinks everything in life is bad and actually, genuinely, thinks creatures like that exists, comes to visit.

  304. It’s like it wants to be sooooo scary, but its fishbutt ruins it. Poor thing. It needs a name!

  307. Is it worth mentioning that my computer didn’t even want to load this page, and it took 5 tries to get it to load properly?

    Who needs sleep anyway?

  312. That is the freakiest fucking thing I have ever seen. It looks like an alien that escaped from Area 51 and was half eaten by a trout or salmon. Nightmares, here I come!

  313. I think it looks cool. Obviously, I also adore horror movies, so that doesn’t say much about me…

  317. I haven’t read all comments so maybe someone else wrote this … it appears to be a FeeJee Mermaid .. made of half monkey half fish used in a traveling circus. If you g00gle, you’ll see more of these “lovely” monkeymaids.

  318. I am guessing Hunter S. Thomcat is channeling his namesake and just assuming this is the product of a bad acid trip. At least, that is what I am hoping these images are because, well, WTF if not!?!?

  320. I’d just like to mention how proud I am for NOT having nightmares about this thing after seeing it last night. NICE TRY, STEFANO.

  321. Is this like something from “the ring” where we now have to make other people look at it so it won’t come to our house? If so, you’re safe, but I’m screwed…or am I? I have students!

  322. Is it real? I mean, is it maybe one of those babies born with the legs fused together or is is plaster. If it’s the mummified remains of a child, I think you need to find a new tribe.

    Either way, get thee some holy water, post haste and sprinkle that shit while chanting and praying in Latin. And incense. The smelly kind. It supposedly makes the demons flee. Mostly because they can’t stand the odor.

  323. Creepy as Hell! Where’s the door anyone!!!!! :oP Post it back to its ‘rightful’ owner ASAP!

    Hysterical post! ;o)

  328. Holy crap, that is……riveting. I say move it around your house covert ops style to unhinge your fam. Imagine opening the dryer and that thing is in there, ready to pounce. Or the refrigerator…

  329. Way cool! It will keep Creepy Davey Jones (the pirate one, not the Monkeys one) out of your house.

  331. Great, now every time I check under the bed I am going to have visions of this lurking underneath it . . .

  332. WHAT
    THE
    ABSOLUTE
    FUCK

    That thing is going to make my future grandchildren wake up screaming in the future.

    TIME WARPING TERROR FOLKS and NOT THE WIBBLEY WOBBLEY TIMEY WIMEY STUFF

  333. Heard of the “Walking Dead”, this is the swimming dead, look away, look away now.

  336. Yep. Have to admit as much as I’d love to be married to you, I’d divorce you if you insisted on keeping that in the house. There’s no good there, nogoodnogoodnogood.

  338. All I every wonder is, when you get things like this in the mail (of course not having any clue what lies in the package), what is your reaction when you first open the box? I have no clue what I would have done if I were to open a package and this thing was staring at me!

  339. Is that a human infant skeleton taxidermied to a bass carcass??
    This may be better than any other television show out there.

  341. So, please next time Webcam yourself opening these packages – I might even webcam myself reading your blog. Personally I think this minature denizen of the deep would be perfectly comfortable nestled up to those taxidermied scrotums (they are taxidermied – aren’t they?)

  344. How does one even package a deep-fried (I’m assuming) mummified fetal mermaid? I’m surprised its arms didn’t fall off in transit!

  347. Oh my god, it’s a mermaid Dementer. now I’m afraid to swim in open water in case all the happiness is sucked out of me!

  348. I never shut up and that thing left me speechless. All I can think of is the phrase from Princess Pride in the To-The-Pain scene “every baby that weeps at your approach, every woman that cries out DEAR GOD WHAT IS THAT THING?!?”

  350. Because my boyfriend is addicted to all those ancient aliens shows, I also recognized it as a fiji mermaid, but the tail is wrong. Regardless, he is totally jealous.
    Also, if he/she/it isn’t on the cover of your next book, I will be very very sad.

  351. I’d have to put that in the fridge. Just think of all the weight I could lose!

  352. My hat goes off to your daughter, if she’s not terrified of all this stuff. i just couldn’t sleep anymore…

  359. ohh for all that is holy…. can’t you just imagine that thing crawling up the stairs to nibble daintily at your toes hanging over the edge of your bed…

    Have you ever seen that old movie called “It’s Alive!” it moves/sounds like that… up and down, up and down…

    holy shit… just holy shit

    I think I’d be looking in the yellow pages where to find the nearest vial of holy water and doing the sign of the cross on my chest (and this coming from the least religious person you’re ever gonna meet)…

    shudder

  363. I thought it was kind of cute, like once you get passed the decay fossil look of it, you can envision a beautiful creature singing songs that distract seamen (I got to say semen) from their voyage into her evil sea trap. There might be 2 others out there just like it.

  364. I was reading this at work and started making strange noises. My buddy came over and we both were in AWE! We then read some of the postings. I love the doll as a counter to this and… PIGMY MERMUMMY!!!! My friend is going to have nightmares. It’s just freaking awesome.

  365. Looks like Jake the alligator man, a local legend of seaside, Oregon. You should visit there sometime. You’d love it.

  367. Oh, and in response to some other comments, I do have some Holy Water if you need it. I keep one from one church in the pretty bottle they gave me, and some more in a Motrin bottle from another church. One was blessed by an old priest, and one by a young one. It never did me any good really, but I was thinking of taking a bath in it to like make up for the slut period of my life. It’s really hard, I said hard, for a girl to say no when surrounded by a bunch of loose whore men with muscles and brains. Never at the same time. Ewwww.

  374. What the hell is it made out of?? My assumption is all the dead souls of fisherman who kill whales or something but is it papier mâché?

  375. Looks to me like Billy Bass’s unfortunate cousin, Mervin Merman. He died from constipation (hence the expression).

  376. I think it’s kind of cute. In a “don’t close your eyes EVER” kind of way. I couldn’t imagine a better home for..him? And just think how great he would look with accessories.

  378. I am pretty sure if you just put a filet o fish in it’s hands the expression will take on a whole new meaning. Personally, I kinda like it. I mean how can you not love a mummified mermaid? (or merman as the case may be)

  380. Ha! I almost asked for your address to send you the very first rabbit I ever skinned… But then I thought, nah, it’s a family heirloom. I love the mermaid; it was a really thoughtful gesture from Stefano.

  381. Wow, nightmares for life guaranteed. I’m kind of speechless, like it, my mouth is set with a perfect O. What in God’s name will you call it? Maybe some combination of the words mermaid and Stefano? Mermano? Stefanmer? shudder

  382. I so desperately needed something to make me laugh today and this just did the trick. Your writing is so damn funny – thank you!!

  393. Wow. So Stefano doesn’t like you much, right? Sending you something that he and his wife are afraid of?

  394. I don’t know why, but it looks like he should be holding and eating a banana!

  395. I’m worried. Because the thing I took away from that whole post was not the Fiji mermaid/dementor mummy, but what instruments do the dead mice play and is it a full orchestra or a rock band or a mouse playing a banjo or an accordion or something?

  398. I’m fairly certain that it is going to steal your soul. And I’m entirely certain that thing far exceeds the creep factor of clowns. God Bless you my child. God Bless you.