The perfect valentine: my heart in my hands. Literally. Sort of.

I always forget about Valentine’s Day because it’s not really something we celebrate, but this year I’ve decided to get Victor something special:

budget jumbo heart

It’s a jumbo bargain heart.

Because my love for Victor is enlarged and dangerous.  And also thrifty.

But then he saw it in my cart and was like, “WHY DO YOU BUY THESE THINGS?” and I was like, “WHY DO YOU RUIN SURPRISES?” Then he accused me of buying it for myself, which is ridiculous because I already earmarked something for myself for Valentine’s Day (because I didn’t want Victor to feel bad that he got something and I didn’t). It’s an anatomical ear.

“THE BETTER TO HEAR YOU WITH,” I explained.  Because love means listening.  Or something.  He was not impressed.  But I still think it’s an awesome present and one most normal people would treasure.

Then he was like “Why is there a sack of human bones in your wish list?” and I was like “FOR YOU, ASSHOLE.”  Although technically the bones aren’t for him.  I just put them in my wish list so that I’d remember to show Victor that #1, there are weirder things to ask for for Valentine’s and #2, I want to be best friends with whoever left this review:

Yes.  Very helpful.
Yes. Very helpful.

Victor didn’t think it was funny and I wished I had my anatomical ear so I could hold it up and say “I CAN’T HEAR YOU WHEN YOU’RE BEING ILLOGICAL.”

I also made a note that maybe I should buy that real human rib so when we have a fight and I storm out I can be like “WE’RE DONE.  HERE’S YOUR RIB BACK”.  Admittedly, this would make more sense if we were more religious but it’s hard to stay reasonable when you’re considering buying human ribs on the internet.  (Although, the price is very reasonable.  $10 for a human rib?  How do you even stay in business that way?)

My guess is that you get the customer hooked on ribs and then they move up to heads.  Because yes, now you can buy a human head on Amazon from the same people.  It’s $2k and does not qualify for Amazon Prime.  No reviews, but there is one customer question, which reads simply “Is it female? Is it Asian?”  I can’t tell if this is a fetish thing or not but I’m guessing so.  This is the same company that sells a grab-bag of real human remains, which is odd, but not quite as unsettling as “Kay”, the woman who told the seller that she had enough human teeth and wanted to make sure her grab bag had larger bones in them.  I think we’ve all had that problem, right?

No.  No we haven’t.

And that’s why I wrote this post.  So that Victor could read it and realize that compared to Kay I am a mighty fine catch.  And compared to the guy selling human ribs on Amazon, Victor is an amazing specimen.  No pun intended.  And I’m going to tell him that.  Because I have a big heart.

Or I will when it arrives in the mail.

PS.  Victor doesn’t want my enlarged heart so instead I’m buying this pig that Amazon suggested I would like.

pig

Amazon knows me better than Victor does.

126 thoughts on “The perfect valentine: my heart in my hands. Literally. Sort of.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Of course you are a catch!! Although those are some pretty strange gifts.

    I thought I was extreme by having a needlepoint anatomical heart in my living room.

  2. I am so glad you and Victor managed to find each other. You always manage to remind me the “one” is out there somewhere. Although mine has likely been caught in a condom. Right then. You’re still amusing as fuck.

  3. 4D? When you get that pig, can you please let us know what the 4th dimension is? Does it travel through time or space or something like that? Is your pig really a Tardis in disguise? Will it create a wormhole that sucks you and Dorothy Barker into and you’ll be able to post blog updates from an alternate reality? Because if that happens, I’m going to need Amazon to replenish their stock.

  4. $10 per human rib is a bargain. Why it costs me $2.00 each for toenails, and they are not even real bone, just keratin. Even old people’s tough toenails are not as durable as bone, although they are premium-priced. Victor should appreciate what a great bargain hunger you are. He got a treasure when he got you.

  5. Oh my gosh – I used to have that exact heart model growing up. (My dad is a pharmacist and had it for medical school). I was just thinking about it the other day since my daughter’s science fair project was on the heart. Ahhhhh memories…. (weird memories….)

  6. Wait, what makes the pig 4-D?

    (Is “smell” a dimension? Maybe it’s bacon-scented? ~ Jenny)

  7. I agree with Annie. How is the pig 4D? I only see 3D’s. They’re cheating you out of a D. And we all know you want that D.
    Wait, what?

  8. Look, if I’m going to buy a bag of bones on Amazon, I want quality. It says right in the product description, “4th quality bones may be imperfect,discolored,unfinished, or have missing hardware.” Talk about buyer beware. Sheesh.

  9. A female asian head seems like you wouldn’t be getting your money’s worth. I mean, it would be better than buying a child’s head, or a little person’s head but not much. It could be as simple as shelf space.

  10. Why would you use bones you buy on Amazon, for soup? But perhaps that’s not the right question. I am going to check Amazon UK to see if they sell similar stuff.

  11. You can’t buy bones, human or otherwise, but you can get a necklace with an anatomically correct heart pendant.

  12. According to wikipedia, 4D is a lesser known psychedelic drug … maybe there’s more to that pig than meets the eye?

  13. I had a jello brain mold once. I mean a mold in which to make jello shaped like brains. Not some kind of fungus inside my skull. Though that would explain lots.

  14. Please, please tell me you’re going to stick a banana in the ear and scream, “What? I can’t hear you, I’ve got a banana in my ear!” repeatedly.

  15. I used to do a lot of temp work at their offices, which was always a good time.

    There was a skeleton standing next to my desk, usually accessorized for the weather and/or major holidays. He had a rather fetching selection of winter hats.

    All the pens in the cup on my desk were shaped like bones and hypodermic needles.

    To get to the lunch room, you have to walk through part of the warehouse. Once day as I was heading to lunch, I heard a crash, muffled swearing, and then an eyeball bounced and rolled across my path. I looked up and the stock guy on the ladder had put one hand over an eye before asking “Umm – could you get that for me?”

  16. You know, that heart has enough pieces to make a really interesting mobile. Find one of those noiseboxes that simulate mother’s heartbeat and you have a fabulous addition to any nursery.

  17. You forgot to mention that the Human skull also comes with a carrying case…you know for potlucks and stuff.

  18. And Amazon says they need to approve me before they’ll let me sell jewelry on their site. So not fair! Hmmm, I should tell them it’s made out of highly polished finger bones. Maybe that might speed things up! Then again, I could see myself being forced to entertain the unamused law enforcement officers who may show up on my doorstep (does Amazon management have a sense of humor?). I should probably stick to ebay or yardsales. I totally want a 4D pig though, because who wouldn’t?

  19. This is not related to this post but someone apparently brought a kangaroo to a McDonalds and said it was a service animal and got kicked out. Obviously, I need to know what you think about this situation.

  20. I must admit, I felt a little cheated when I clicked the link for the human head and found just the skull. :/

  21. Jenny, I totally love you. In a non weird, non stalkerish way.

    Ok, in a weird way, b/c i don’t know how ‘normals’ love. But in a totally non threatening way.

    One of the benefits of being a homeschooler is that I can TOTALLY justify buying all this stuff. Cause, science.

    Except for the whole, ‘REAL HUMAN REMAINS’ thing. Because I aint Leatherface.

    And the pig would be very interesting to pair with Charlotte’s Web. Cause I’m twisted like that.

  22. The human parts thing is the gift that keeps on giving. Save it for when he’s disagreeable, which I know would be rare for Victor, then whip it out and say “oh, have a heart.”

    That would crack me up every time. Diffuse the tension.

  23. It may not make it less creepy, but the company selling this stuff provides it to professionals who use it to train students. I’m a biological anthropologist (aka forensic anthropologist) and we need to obtain ethical samples to teach students methodology. So that’s why the company and products exist. Having said that, I find it very odd that they are advertising on Amazon….Oh and the lady asking about the ancestry and sex was probably inquiring because she is looking for a particular skull for a teaching collection (to help students learn about sex and ancestry identification from the skull). I usually teach with cast replicas but nothing beats the real thing!

  24. But the $2k skull comes with its own carrrying case! How can you pass it up? However, if you want some genuine porcupine quills, don’t spend your money at Amazon/Skulls Unlimited. I have some you can have for free — they have the added feature of having been pulled out of my dog.

  25. For our first Valentine’s together I gave my then boyfriend now husband the Giant Microbe plush toy of chlamydia specifically so when people asked him what we did he would have to say, “I got chlamydia.” We haven’t really celebrated Valentine’s since and I like to think it’s because he knows he could never top the first one.

    P.S. I left this same comment on a previous post because I don’t know how life works.

  26. It’s nice that the human skull comes with a carrying case, but I want to know why I can’t find a goat anatomy model. A friend’s kid is getting a couple of goats, and I think she should know what’s inside.

  27. Thank you for opening strange new worlds for me…and making me laugh my ass off 🙂

  28. I absolutely HATE it when stuff like electric fireplaces and human body parts aren’t eligible for Amazon Prime!! Why on earth do they think I signed up for it????? Sheesh…..morons…

  29. When my son was in the hospital waiting on a heart transplant, I got him a red cracked-glass heart-shaped Christmas ornament. I thought it was sweet and timely. Now, I am realizing that other people probably thought it was weird and maybe a little creepy. Hmmm… Anyway, after reading all of this I am glad to see that I am not alone in my sweet/weird creepiness. I do love this tribe of strangelings.

    (Oh, btw, my son got his new heart and has done very well for 5 years now. They wouldn’t let him keep his old heart in a jar. He asked. I guess he’s weird and a little creepy, too.)

    (I’m with your son. I’d totally want ask for my old heart. They wouldn’t let me have my gallbladder either. ~ Jenny)

  30. You always make my day. I can’t believe that Victor doesn’t want your enlarged heart. You would think he would have gotten used to and grown to appreciate stuff like this by now. Why are husbands not appreciative of true love and funny shit?

  31. The deal with the Asian thing might be this: For a period of time, most anatomical specimens of the human variety were from India. That meant that they were usually small , giving them a female appearance despite the fact that many were actually male. Kinda made sense when I learned that, because the medical skeleton someone gave me was supposedly the body of a John Doe who was a homeless drunk found under a speakeasy in the 30’s, and when nobody claimed the body, it was donated to science. The size if the bones never made me think that that story could be legit though. I kinda half wondered if they were the bones of a H.H.Holmes victim myself…but being an Indian makes a lot more sense and would prolly get me in a lot less trouble if anybody ever finds the steamer trunk I keep them in.

  32. One of my favorite Charles Dickens subplots involves a guy whose doctors sold his amputated leg to an anatomist, so the guy goes back to the anatomy shop to try to buy back his tibia and fibula. You know, just for the sake of completeness. They sit and drink tea in a creepy shop full of bones and taxidermy, while a stuffed alligator looms over them and random teeth fall into the teapot. I have always been sad that this shop does not actually exist, so news of this trade on Amazon comes as a delightful surprise!

  33. I want to buy one of those bags of bones now. And in the recommended for you section, they had a human brain, with arteries. Im going to go out on a limb, and say it wasn’t a real brain, because that would get kind of messy after awhile. The real human skull, with the carrying case is a tad out of my range.. damn it.

  34. I’m supposed to get a root canal on Tues., Maybe I should have the tooth pulled and see how much I can get for it on Amazon… Unless you think Victor would like it. 😉 (Okay, that didn’t sound creepy at all.)

  35. I’m not sure what most concerns me here. There is a wealth of riches to choose from, right? 🙂 I think it’s that the texter knew what tibulae and fibulae would look like–and that those are the plural forms of the bones. I mean–how? Am thinking the police might want to keep an eye on that one . . .

  36. My fave “body part” find on the net was a bag of dicks on etsy. 🙂 Not sure how someone would take that as a valentine’s day gift though.

  37. My husband bought me a large anatomical ear model for some holiday back when we were dating because I offhandedly mentioned that I liked playing with the one in my doctor’s office growing up. He’s a good one, that husband.

  38. I love that review! It reminds me of the one on Amazon.co.uk for Veet For Men. It is an absolute classic, if you haven’t seen it before. You find such quirky things for Victor. I bought my husband a very boring ski bag and gave it to him early so he could use it. I think I might photocopy my cleavage just to Give him a spicy Valentine card.

  39. That heart reminds me of my Ganno’s house, where there was a Catholic picture of the sacred heart of Jesus at the top of the front stairway. Jesus is standing there enrobed in all his glory with his arms stretched out, reaching for you, and at the center of his chest is a blazing red and gold human heart. I was too afraid of that picture to ever use the front stairs.

  40. I love that review!!!! And the heart, for that matter.

    Thought it was illegal to sell human bits? Guess not.

    Now I have to go look on Amazon.

  41. I laughed so hard I literally PMP. Had to txt all my sisters to make sure they didn’t miss you today. I’ve never been to Texas but somehow I think we must all be related. I only wish you could be dropped into the middle of of the four of us. And the liver is my favorite organ. Will have to check out Amazon and see what’s available 🙂

  42. I hope you already ordered that pig because if you have not done so, I am about to get it for my boyfriend for a combo Valentine’s/Bacon-fest prep gift. It is the most awesome thing I have ever seen.

  43. I hadn’t even contemplated buying human bones for my husband for Valentine’s day and now I question whether I even deserve to be married. Once again, you’re example of the idea marriage leaves me something to which I can aspire. Thank you!

  44. Just when I thought I couldn’t adore you anymore than I already did! You are definitely my goddess! (in a non-stalkery way! I totally do not intend to build things from your bones, rest assured!)

  45. And then I realised that my most recent post was Death, and if you don’t read the comics that might seem kind of suss. But don’t worry, I am NOT a murderer. I find tidying up very boring, so I couldn’t be BOTHERED to dispose of a body.

    (I love Death. That sounds weird but we’re talking about the same specific Death so it works. Long live Neil Gaiman. ~ Jenny)

  46. My dad graduated from medical school shortly after I was born. Among my favorite toys as a small child were his plastic model heart, kidney, eye, and knee. It is only in the past few years that I have realized that that was unusual.

  47. I like the “complete real human finger” that they are selling. That would be a great passive aggressive gift for someone who annoys you – it gives a whole new meaning to giving someone the finger.

  48. My uncle once bought my mother an anatomical heart-box painted gold for her birthday. We were all… really confused about it. There was no real reason for it that any of us could figure out. The incident was never spoken about again. Had forgotten all about that til this post….

  49. I so wanted to find an anatomical model of bird’s wings, because then you could glue them on the pig and it would be perfection. Although maybe a weird message for Valentine’s Day. No luck though. (What do bird veterinarians use to study with???)

  50. Okay I must say I love you all. I feel I am finally home when I read this blog and the comments from all of you. I want to offer my email in case anyone wants to be my friend. Not that I need friends cuz I totally have friends. Really. But I could always use more. Wait not that I’m trying to use you or anything. Your you and you get it. Here’s my email kittysox818@gmail.com please please please only for personal use.

  51. Skulls unlimited is super legit, the osteology museum they run (only one in the world) is awesome and really enjoyable and the people are nice, they are mainly set up for school trips and were on a dirty jobs episode.

  52. I laughed out loud really hard when I read this post and then everytime I even just thought about it I started laughing all over again. Thank you, Jenny. It feels so good to laugh so much. You are a force for good in the universe!

  53. Hello, my name is Jackson Crumley. I apologize since I understand this comment has nothing to do with the blog nor anything that was said in it but I didn’t know where else to go. I am sixteen and live I’m Charleston, WV. My mother a few months ago fell of a roof at our home and shattered her spine. I had to go to North Carolina for a few months to live with my Aunt and Uncle. My mom is still recovering from what happened and I know she’s stressed because of not only that but because of our financial situation. We are currently living in our friends basement and though I don’t know the extent of her bills, I heard her telling someone one time her first bill was around $120,000. Again, I know this had nothing to do with the blog but one of the things that had kept my mom happy throughout her time in the hospital has been this site. She’s constantly showing me things from here and quoting things from different articles. I don’t really have a lot of friends on Facebook that I can share this with and with the way mom talks about it I thought maybe if I posted it on here it would at least be noticed. I started a GoFundme fundraiser in the hopes that I can maybe raise some money to help pay for my moms bills and out hear at least a little bit at ease. Any donations would be appreciated, even just one dollar, and if you can’t do that, just spreading the word about this would help.
    Sincerely,
    Jackson Crumley
    http://www.gofundme.com/locigg

    (I’m sorry to hear about your mom, Jackson. Unfortunately even if people donated your campaign would be canceled because you have to be 18 or older to raise money on GoFundMe. You might have more luck if you get your mom to set up the account herself with the real details. ~ Jenny)

  54. Oh, see? I knew we would be perfect friends. (Okay, I know that sounds stalkerish… But, I even blogged about wanting to be your friend.) Ummm. as creepy as it sounds- this one cemented it. Wonderfully hilarious. And, I am convinced that Amazon is totally stalking you.

  55. I’m glad Amazon is stepping up its game. Last time I needed a life size imitation ear I ended up with one that was at least 3 sizes too big. Then we had to use larger versions of everything, since we were using it as a movie prop. Good times. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zD029829iHk => this was the result)

    PS: I didn’t know that about the Flaming Lips releasing a song inside a human skull. Now I love them even more! <3<3<3

  56. So they don’t understand what dimensions mean…as it seems they have taken ‘looking inside something’ to be another dimension most people (except from doctors and murderers, and denstists and nurses and…the list goes on) do not get to see with their pitiful dimension-lacking eyeballs.

    Still keeping it on my ‘wait till amazon re stocks and hope I then have money’ list. Because awesome it’s a pig and all that.

  57. I would pay tens of thousands of dollars to go to a marriage retreat hosted by you and Victor. That is the thought that kept running through my mind as I read this.

    It’s like watching reality TV, except I actually like all the people involved, and there’s more cats and giant metal chickens, and fuck is a term of endearment…and there are strange hauntings. You two really keep the romance alive.

  58. I teach high school and have received as gifts an anatomically correct heart gelatin mold and one of a brain. After the English teachers were snotty about me leaving a Jello-Brain on the lunch table, I bought a hand for “finger food” day (hey – I’d make ALL the fingers, just not my favorite one). Our music department has a themed dinner and of course the Jello molds have made appearances…let’s just say DO NOT google search “anatomical jello molds”…there is some seriously WEIRD SHIT people want to make molds of….

  59. http://iheartguts.com/collections/plush-organs/products/humongous-heart-plush or
    http://iheartguts.com/collections/plush-organs/products/super-big-big-heart

    Victor may prefer the soft side of things. I heart guts has great plush parts. After my father-in-law had some prostate issues, we got him the prostate. We have threatened to get a set of testicles and give them to his wife to keep in a jar next to their bed or in her purse for traveling. Personally, my love keeps the brain on the back of the couch next to the “Alien” with working second interior mouth.

    The newest addition to the collection at iheartsguts is a rectum…”bringing up the rear”!

  60. The review about the trash bag of bones ripping open reminded me an an incident that happened in my town probably 20 years ago. One of my good friends had a neighbor who killed his mother and put her in a trash bag and set her out by the curb. The garbage-men noticed the unusually shaped garbage bag and the guy was caught. So I’m thinking that being a garbageman has got to be one of the worst jobs in the world. As if the smell and disgustingness of trash wasn’t enough you have to be on the lookout for dead people and body parts as part of your daily job.

  61. I think it’s ridiculous that a human head is NOT eligible for Amazon Prime. What the hell are we paying for if not for discounted shipping on heads?? I demand a refund.

  62. I want to like the anatomical heart. I really do. But I prefer living in anatomical denial. All of my parts appear to be working — as far as I know. I don’t ask questions. My veins and I have a strict Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy, and it will stay that way until something goes horribly awry.

  63. I was going to get the model of a heart from the library but realized it might be too complicated for the prek-2 set to understand and handle. lol. But the pig thing is great. wonder if it would scar my kids for life?

  64. My favorite part about the human head is where it says “only 1 in stock”.

    There’s a story there, I’m sure.

  65. You know, Beyonce has a cousin here in Austin, who is a T Rex. He’s located on Woodrow just south of Koenig at an insurance office. I’m not absolutely certain he’s a he, but then it’s T Rex, not Tyrannosaura Regina, right?

  66. Question: why not purchase a spare brain…. then when someone does something you think is stupid you can loan them a brain…… !!!!!!!!!!!!

  67. I recently cracked a tooth and had to have it pulled. When I saw it, I was like, “Give that to me immediately.” It had cracked straight through the middle and came out in two perfect pieces. It looked like an anatomical model. The dentist was all like, “Why do you want your tooth? You don’t want this.” “You are sooo wrong, cuz I’m making me some earrings.” He thought I was nuts, now I realize he’s saving all the teeth he’s pulling and selling them on the Amazon tooth black market. What a bastard.

  68. Victor’s crazy. I mean, think about it: people are always saying, “Come on now, have a heart,” but hardly anyone actually follows through and gives you one.

    I’d take it in a second. And I’d attach it to my sleeve. And people would be like, “Oh, ha ha, yeah, you’re wearing your heart on your sleeve, gee, good one…” but the point is I would get a seat to myself on the bus.

  69. I adore Skulls Unlimited. I have lived just down the road from their shop (and its accompanying Museum of Osteology) for years. My husband and I go there fairly often and drool over the offerings.

  70. If anyone should be sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember: nobody loves you on any other day of the year either.

  71. I don’t own a pig, but I’ve been near pigs once or twice, and I can tell you with some degree of certainty that smell does not enhance the experience. Sadly, pigs do not smell like bacon.

  72. True fact: My dad is an ear doctor. I used to sit on the floor of his office and play with a big anatomical ear just like normal kids play with Mr. Potato Head.

  73. I now want a shirt (or mug) with an ear on it that reads, “I CAN’T HEAR YOU WHEN YOU’RE BEING ILLOGICAL.” YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!

  74. When my husband was studying for his Archaeology degree he used to play jenga with human rib bones.

  75. I just wanted to say that I work for Wolters Kluwer (we own the Anatomical Chart Company) and I could get you 50% off the cost of the heart, ear and bones. Just saying.

    (You are my new best friend. ~ Jenny)

  76. I love that the company is called Skulls Unlimited. I think they’re probably serial killers who were wondering how to dispose of the bodies and decided that they should just sell them off bit by bit on Amazon.

  77. I’m sleep deprived and hung over reading this on the way home from my bachelorette and was laughing so hard I just started crying. Not teary eyed laughing. Straight up legitimate crying. I feel very unstable now. It took about 5 minutes to stop crying and everyone is freaked out and reading into it too much. Xo

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