WELCOME TO NEW CANADA, BITCHES.

So last night I couldn’t sleep so I became the President. Hang on. Let me share the events as they unfolded, live:

[protected-iframe id=”c91383a2724db743ef5e757d0115ba32-58006636-1561224″ info=”//storify.com/TheBloggess/i-am-the-best-president-canada-has-ever-had/embed?header=false&border=false” width=”100%” height=”750″][View the story “I am the best President Canada has ever had.” on Storify]

(I can’t figure out how to make the whole story appear here so you have to click on the above link and then come back to read the rest.  Sorry.)

You may be asking yourself, how did this happen?  Was it because America needed a hero?  Maybe.  Was it because I’d been drinking?  Slightly more probable.  Was it because of my socks?  In a word? Fuck yes.  Technically that’s two words but when you’re the President you’re no longer limited to the surly demands of math and logic.

You might be thinking I’m insane but LOOK AT THESE FUCKING SOCKS I BOUGHT:

WHO'S INSANE NOW?
WHO’S INSANE NOW?

And a good President shares her booty with her people so I’m giving you ALL magical socks.  And by “all” I mean “three of you” because I can’t buy socks for everyone.  Money and socks don’t grow on trees, y’all.  At least not until I get the scientists of New Canada working on that.  Want some socks?  Leave a comment with a suggestion of my next presidential decree and I’ll randomly pick three of you to get socks.  Unless the scientists make a sudden breakthrough on the sock-tree thing.  Then it’s socks for everyone.

My favorite is "Three days of cramps make me a bad-ass."
My favorite is “Three days of cramps make me a bad-ass.”

PS.  I’m going to need a cabinet.  Then I’m going to need to fill it with liquor.  Then I’m going to need the other kind of cabinet.  The political type.  And I think it’s only fair that it be filled by you.  Pick a title.  Secretary of Cat Wrangling.  Ministry of Bacon Variants.  Or if you can’t think of one just get assigned one from the Random Title Generator for the Church of Bloggessianism.

PPS.  I just noticed that Wikipedia has removed the Church of Bloggessianism as a religion, which is fine but I really don’t appreciate your tone, mister.

You could have made your point without the "obviously."
“Obviously invented.”  Pretty sure all religions are technically “invented”, but whatever.

This aggression will not stand.  Or it will stand if I get distracted, which is very possible because I forgot to refill my ADD meds again.

PPPS.  I forgot to announce the winner on my  book tour post so I’m doing it here. ManicMom, check your email.

PPPPS.  Victor is actually in Canada right now for a workshop.  He just texted me:

peameal bacon He has not responded.

PPPPPS.  I just looked up “peameal bacon” and apparently it’s back bacon rolled in cornmeal.  There are no peas in it at all.  Even spellcheck was like “Nope.  That’s not real.”  WTF, Old Canada?  How are you doing everything else so well but fucking up so hard on bacon?  It’s fine.  I’m here now.  Let’s get to work.

649 thoughts on “WELCOME TO NEW CANADA, BITCHES.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. You can be president, OR you can be the leader of the Church of Bloggessianism … but you can’t be BOTH … because of that whole church-and-state thing … although, armed with those socks of yours, I’m guessing you can just do away with that rule. Fuck it. All hail President Lawson. In the name of the Bloggess. Amen. Or something.

  2. Please issue a presidential decree mandating daily naps and dark chocolate. And Fuck This Shit socks must be worn daily as a condition of citizenship!

  3. I will be Secretary of Inappropriate Laughter. I excel at that. And the country needs someone at the top of her game. A role model for nervous gigglers.

  4. All Unicorn’s are considered sacred and not one shall mine their horns for home remedies.

  5. I thought you said you needed a cabaret, not cabinet, the first time I read this. Pretty sure you need to install one of those in your office so you can do your real, best, governing work. I would like your consideration for the position of Cabaret Chief Whip. Whips are a real thing in Canadian politics.

    (I need a cabaret too. ~ Jenny)

  6. Well, you’re already doing better than previous Presidents. None of them offered to share their booty with me.

  7. As a Canadian (old and new) I would like you to decree, oh wise master, that the extra ‘u’s in neighbour, favourite, honour, humour etc can go the way of peameal… in the rubbish.

  8. As president of New Canada, you can decree that peameal bacon is now called “punishment bacon” and is served to criminals in prisons.

  9. I’m gonna be Queen of the Stone Age and you’re going to decree that we should all eat bacon and chocolate every day. (I want the “I gave a fuck. once” socks, because they’re awesome!)

  10. This needs to happen. Really. What can we do to make this happen? Free all kinds of bacon when you win? That’s a campaign promise I can get behind.

  11. With this many bacons your administration needs a Librarian. Make it so.

    Sincerely, The Baconbrarian

    PS, I love the “vague feeling of whatever” socks. They will go very well with my sensible librarian shoes.

  12. Please decree Mariachi Bands on every subway platform. There’s no way you could get to work unhappy.

  13. I believe your cabinet should be called “The cabinet of people who ARE NOT Jimfbleak”

  14. So, if you ring us to tell us we’ve won the socks, is it a Presidential Booty Call? I’m pretty sure I need these socks to wear with my Lawsbian Pride shirt.

  15. Please decree that iced tea, unsweetened, brewed be available at ALL restaurants.

  16. Please declare that mermaids are real and hereafter are considered legal citizens of New Canada. 🙂

  17. I would love to be the Secretary of Inappropriate Comments cause yeah, sometimes that happens. Oh and I agree with the official sock being the one that says Fuck This Shit! Your first official decree should be to cancel Mondays. They suck

  18. I was just saying the other day about screw the rest of ’em, let’s vote Jenny Lawson. I’m going to be the Glittering Overlord Of Supper Accidents and Tripping, because I’m always at one or the other. I’m your yes-(wo)man all the way. Your newest decree should be: Free Interwebz for all, because dammit, this is the 21st century and why isn’t it free? You kids and your lousy wanting us to pay for everything all the time.

  19. Officially decree that a nap a day is mandatory – whether it be during working hours or not. Or make work not a thing. Either or both of those, please.

  20. I want to be Secretary of Interior Digestive System Design. I have no idea why — that’s just where my brain went.
    Also, I think you should decree the the Church of Bloggessianism is the only church allowed to practice within our borders. And we should all be required to wear unicorn horns on Sundays & greet people by tapping our horns.
    I’m just sayin’. It makes sense.
    I’d love me some “fuck this shit” socks.

  21. Please decree that the official mascot of New Canada is Sasquatch and make sure everyone knows that they like to drink vodka and eat cabbage rolls.

  22. Yay for New Canada! Eh?
    So i voted, and i voted in royal tortillas….& titles
    I’m. The. Regal Arch-Princess Of Tiger Swallowtail Butterfly Travel, Eh?

    I think that we need a better sport than hockey.

  23. Ok. I think naps should be mandatory. Daily naps! And chocolate delivery every month for free. That’s just common sense.

  24. As your Brilliant Chief Of Daikon Weaving I suggest your next Presidential decree is “A sock in every pot and peameal bacon in every garage.” I guess you could make it peameal bacon in every pot and a sock in every garage, but that seems a bit silly. I mean, people’s socks will get cold if you keep them in the garage, and that just defeats the point of socks.

  25. Legal Duke of rhinoceros Snogging

    That is my title. Although, I suppose it would HAVE to be the LEGAL Duke, as an ILLEGAL Duke would never tell you.

    Anyway- you should decree that all of Canada is now habitat for rhinos, except for the really cold parts. Or- we could make sweaters for the rhinos. That would work.

  26. As self-declared Minister of New Canadian Canoodling, I think your next decree should be to retire the bald eagle from its duties – they really should focus on fishing anyways – and install the giant metal chicken as new official icon.

  27. POUTINE FRIES. They’re good for that, anyway. Fries with gravy AND cheese. At first glance I was squicked, but then I tried some and oh good goddamn they are tasty.

  28. Your next decree should be mandatory, PAID Spring Break for adults. I don’t know why only students get that–we need breaks too. And this is in addition to any paid vacation you already get, not instead of.
    In your cabinet, I am the Furious Superintendent Of Ladle Walking. Why am I furious? Because the ladles decided to get up and start walking? Sounds like I should be terrified, not furious.

  29. As a citizen of “old Canada” I can tell you most of us despise “peameal bacon” and love real bacon, including back bacon. And if you haven’t tried back bacon then you are toates missing out!
    Otherwise, I would love to be the official ‘Cabinet of Liquor’ High Priestess!

  30. Well, the first thing is to ban jimfbleak from New Canada for removing a valid religion. And I would like to be the Lieutenant Grand Poobah of West-Western New Canada. Someone else can have the glory of Grand Poobah. I just want the title. Kind of like California’s Lieutenant Governor.

  31. I will be Honorable Commando Of Gazelle Culture. My first duty is to ensure that gazelles go commando at all times. No pants for you gazelle!

  32. I will be secretary of I Can’t Get Out of Bed Because I’m Too Depressed But I Love Y’all Anyways.

    Next presidential decree? All scientists must now begin working together to cure mental illness because I can’t stand this anymore.

    I apologize for being a Debbie Downer. It’s all I’ve got in me today but I really want free socks.

  33. Your next decree: Victor must buy any and all taxidermied critters for your Presidential Palace that you desire. And he must text you back within 4 minutes anytime he receives a text from you.

    I’d like to be Goddess of Grammar, please. Pretty please.

  34. I want to include Chief Wimsey Officer on my card. My office would be GLORIOUS!!!
    First Decree: Ban linkbait: You’ll be shocked by what happens next!

  35. Oh Jenny, you can decree anything you want but please make sure that you find an appropriate job for our present overlord Mr. Harper…..superintendent of litter boxes or maybe Latrine Manager. We would all be eternally grateful to have him employed in something suitable…..Prime Ministering has not worked out for him as well as he’d like to think it has. And welcome, love the socks, love the idea of your cabinet (s) and cabarets.

  36. I would like to nominate myself as Grand High Overlord of Free Time Fridays, as soon as you decree the new 4-day work week. My office will be on the beach, any beach, and one of my most onerous tasks will be interviewing cabana boys. And I’d like that on a business card in time for my class reunion.

  37. I’ll be the Minister of Change Your Own F&*&ing Toilet Paper Roll because I’m sick of doing it for everyone else in this house. Unrelated: I would suggest the decree “Change the toilet paper roll when it’s empty”.

  38. You should decree that milk in bags is OMG SO WRONG WHY DO THEY DO THAT HERE. No, I can’t explain why I hate it. It’s just weird and squishy and seems like it just wants to burst and spray milk everywhere. Oh yeah, and I need socks!

  39. Wondering how to fit ‘Cabinet Minister of pretending to listen to boring work crap while really watching cats be mean to dogs online’ onto a name plate. CMOPLTBWCWRWCBMTDO….not feeling it.
    Plus I’m old Canadian and none of us ‘really’ like back bacon…gauntlet thrown.

  40. Can I please be Secretary of Awesomeness? I will review all applicants and decree them Awesome, Nearly Awesome (Keep Trying) or That Shit’s Not Funny.
    Either that or Honorary Overseer of Kevin Bacon (hey, it’s bacon-related!).
    You should decree that reading “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” and “Furiously Happy” are pre-requisites for citizenship.

  41. I think your presidential decree should be that the presidential seal will now feature the likeness of Beyonce the Metal Chicken with the words “knock knock, mother fucker” underneath. Seeing that on anything will make the enemies either wonder “what the fuck” and leave quietly – or be so taken back with fits of laughter that they would change their minds wondering “how could we hate anyone with a giant metal chicken?” Either way – it’s a win!

    PS: I have told my husband I must have Blue Q socks. Any company who uses the word “fuck” so often on whimsical socks must be supported – early and often.

  42. I would like to be the Custodian of the Disrespected U’s (sorry Kristine but I refuse to abandon the U’s I found in the Chronicles of Narnia as a child. Grey shall also be the only spelling.) SAVE THE ‘U’! 😀 Fond of the vague socks.

  43. Apparently I am your new Distinguished Premier Of Jelly Accidents. So that’s happening.

    Your next decree should be Jelly donuts for everyone, some of them should be gluten free so nobody gets left out. If I’m in charge of jelly accidents, I’m gonna need there to be jelly accidents. Jelly donuts are the best jelly accident you can have, right?

    (Also, Jesus Effing Christ I have tried to post this 4 times now but wordpress HATES me today. It’s probably because I quit blogging last year. I’M SORRY WORDPRESS, I JUST DON’T HAVE THE TIME.)

  44. I want to be minister of naps before someone else snags that title. And honestly I’m too tired to come up with a new decree, maybe tomorrow.

  45. Those socks are fantastic. I am buying them for two friends birthdays and hope to win mine 🙂
    Hoping I win El Presidente. Or some such.

  46. So many options. I suggest making nap time, or siesta time if you prefer, a mandatory thing. People would be happier if they got to take Presidentially sanctioned naps during the day. Also, more holidays please.

    As for cabinet spots, I’d like to be the Minister of Naming Crayon Colors. I think that’d be a swell job.

  47. In New Canada, the Taxidermy Unabashed Recognition Department (TURD) will be truly solidified. Tanning cream for everyone!

  48. I don’t need socks, lol, so don’t pick me. But I do want a place on your cabinet. I’d be happy to be your official Hoax & Satire News Checker
    I’ll also be the unofficial Cabinet Meeting Sharer Of Bacon Cooked In Water To Make It Crisp

  49. Presidential decree: “I just can’t even deal with putting on clothes, today, never mind everything else” is now not only an acceptable reason to call in sick, put qualifies for paid sick leave, even in jobs without benefits.

  50. Holy hell…please decree that if our work day begins early (up to an individual’s interpretation) in the morning, we get to be done by 2-ish in the afternoon so we can go home and take a nap before doing all the bullshit adult things we’re responsible for.

  51. I shall be the First Minister of Whimsy and Magical Feckness. As someone who lives in Old Canada and right across from Detroit, I feel I possess the necessary understanding of both worlds to fulfill my duties. I also believe in huge metal chickens and taxidermy to heal the world, along with swearing like a mother fucker. Thank you and Goddess Bless New Canada

  52. I want the socks SOOOOO bad! I know you said random, but pleeeesaaaaase randomly pick me for the socks.

    I would be a great Executive Secretary Of Peameal Bacon for you.
    Resume:
    I like bacon.
    I eat things rolled in cornmeal.
    I like the sound of “Executive”- it means I get to execute people, right?

  53. As the Sublime Predicant Of Munch Promotion, I decree that everyone should have as much time to read books today as they choose. Or they can waste their time other ways. Mainly people should leave them alone. Unless they don’t want to be alone and then they should find someone to be not alone with. Obviously, I have no idea what Munch Promotion means.

    (YOU’RE DOING IT RIGHT. ~ Jenny)

  54. Hey, not only do I have a cabinet that is chock full of liquor (vintage liquor at that – it’s all from the 60’s and 70’s), I also have a vintage Tiki bar. I will gladly take any cabinet position you offer.

  55. Also you need to know that one time I was on vacation in Canada and I ordered a pizza with Canadian bacon and they brought me a pizza with crumbly real bacon on it and I realized that Canadians don’t even know what their bacon is and so I’m pretty sure they need your leadership.

  56. I will be the official secretary of introverts. We will spend our time planning how to promote the understanding of introverts while sitting at home, quietly, reading a book. And those socks rock! What a wonderful way to have a secret giggle at the world without anyone knowing why. Pure awesomeness.

  57. As president you should forgive all student loans. Then we can start buying into the economy again and the American dollar may be worth something. I mean Obama bailed out all of those banks so…. No I’m not an Obama hating republican. I actually kind of like the guy.

  58. red dragon here, at your service, m’ lady! your church just gave me the title of “Recognized Czar of marmot Winking” and i like it so BOOM, send the socks!

  59. Can I please be the Cabinet Minister for Food-Related Emergency Road Trip, I find awesome food dives that you don’t even have to be completely in the bag to enjoy. Your first presidential decree should be that everyone needs to learn the difference between your and you’re, as well as the difference between there, their, and they’re, once and for all…because I’m a judgmental bastard when it comes those kinds of things.

  60. As president, the Bloggess shall open an exotic animal library, where all Canadians are able to check-out said animals for a 24-hour period.

  61. Peameal bacon used to be rolled in ground split peas, but they’ve since changed to cornmeal.

    The more you know

  62. As the Exalted Premier Of Gelatin Concepts, I believe you should add some more heads to Mount Rushmore…maybe a metal rooster head…or a mouse dressed as a president.

  63. In the new Canada, there must be a public happy space where people can go to play with kittens and puppies and drink wine while wearing the most comfy yoga pants.

  64. I have to say that I can’t WAIT to start in my new position as the “Infallible Instigator Of Newt Cleaning” in your new administration. I Googled “newt cleaning” to get some specifics on what exactly I’ll be doing day-to-day in my job and the first images that came up were for Newt Gingrich. Whoa Nelly! I need you to clarify which kind of Newt I’ll be cleaning. Because honestly I CAN NOT get on board with bathing an elderly (probably cranky) former statesman. Nope. Just nope. Small animals. Yes please.

    (Since you are infallible then you can clean whoever you want and no one can question you. I suggest declaring Benedict Cumberbatch a newt. He’d be fun shampoo, I bet. ~ Jenny)

  65. First off, pretty sure there is nothing wrong with any form of bacon. Kudos to Canadians for being more creative with it than us. I think you should decree that “I don’t give a fuck” or any form thereof, is a valid excuse to leave work. At any time. No questions asked. Because really, not everyone loves their job. This would totally help.

  66. Could you annex England/Scotland while you’re at it and order JK Rowling to start writing the next Harry Potter book? That way you can also overthrow the Queen and claim all her jewelry. Everybody wins. As a bonus, your daughter would now outrank Princess Charlotte. The possibilities are endless. Princess Dorothy. Prince Hunter, etc. Victor can rule Canada for you since he’s already occupying the territory.

  67. I think one of your decrees should that the traditional “Here Comes The Bride” song played when a bride walks down the aisle should be replaced with Bootylicious and LET ME EXPLAIN, I haven’t been to 1 wedding since that song came out that I HAVEN’T requested it at and it is ALWAYS a crowd pleaser. And let’s be honest, the ceremony is never interesting so let’s get shit started early…

    (Be my best friend. ~ Jenny)

  68. As a Canadian I can tell you that peameal bacon is just back bacon rolled in cornmeal that gets all sticky when you are trying to slice it before cooking. Tastes great but messy when raw. Another good thing about Canadians is that we have maple flavoured whiskey. And really everything is better with maple syrup. I need a pair of those socks. I have asses to kick and just plains socks to do it.

  69. Is Victory anywhere near Ottawa? I can argue with him for an evening if he’s lonely. My hubby would be there too, so you don’t have to worry. 🙂

    (He’s in Hamilton, I think? ~ Jenny)

  70. as “Honorable Officer Of Wok Discipline” i vow to always pet every cat i see

  71. Decree: I think you should move to add Mexico too. I mean, why not? they have better drinks & food and you live so close already. I know, I know we already have a New Mexico, but it’s not known for anything but Walter White & blue meth. So next decree is to change that name to Fake Mexico or maybe just leave it Blank, no one cares. And then annex NEW Mexico because passports are bullshit.

  72. i have dubbed myself Supreme Bitch of Books and Bacon. I just gotta first set of BlueQ socks yesterday. They are fabulous!

  73. A new decree that everyone should have free socks because fuck socks costing money

  74. My randomly generated title is Grand High Overlord of protein Manipulation. That seems a bit too pornographic for a cabinet post…

  75. As your new Honorable Chief Of Utahraptor Winking, I’d have to say we’ll need a Wink Like a Dinosaur Day. Probably also a Walk Like a Dinosaur Day, but I’m sort of thinking that already exists.

  76. Please grant me the title of Secretary of Ruined Souffles. Or Minister of Honey Badger Bad Assery. If I’m wearing the “you’re not the boss of me” socks, I can rock either title at your earliest convenience, your worshipful highness of New Canada.

  77. shit. you said you wanted a suggestion and i was so excited about the damn socks that i only left a normal comment. hmmmmmmmmmm. my suggestions for your next presidential decree is for you to lower the damn gas prices. i know, i know…not funny. BUT, just imagine how much fun we could have with the extra money we would all have?!
    also another suggestion would be for you to mandate it acceptable for us all to use capital letters whenever we want. or to NOT use em. sEe?
    xo

  78. I’m just here for the socks.
    Your next decree should be to proclaim me as winner of the socks. Thank you.

  79. I want to know who decided that the Church of Bloggessianism isn’t a legitimate religion. Is there a test? What are the criteria? You’d probably be better off as President anyway.

  80. Presidential decree?? NO MORE ARTHRITIS! It sucks ass, yo.

    (Amen, sister. ~ Jenny)

  81. As Grand Dame Mistress of Kombucha & Anti-Bullying, I recommend a degree in which all who are caught referring to trans folks by the wrong gender must wear a paper bag over their head and use the pronouns “coffee, coffeepot, coffee bacon” for one (1) year.

  82. Well I am personally thrilled to welcome you all to the Canadian family and am fully in favour of your takeover as president. You will make politics significantly more interesting 😉

  83. I am the Overseer of the Enchilada Bunker. Please decree that the work week and weekends will be switched in duration. Accompanied by a raise.

  84. the reason that Wikipedia cancelled your entry is so that you can make Bloggessianism the OFFICIAL NATIONAL RELIGION of New Canada! Before there was a terrible legal tangle no one wanted to fund. Oh! And Project Night Night is most funded charity in New Canada. And mental health is discussed openly without discrimination. All schools have counsellors paid more than principals.

  85. Glorious Duke Of Lightning Bug Sleep- I can’t believe my random title turned out to be exactly what I was hoping!
    Brian, I’m sure Clinton would have shared his booty with you!

  86. I need the “I Have Vague Feelings” socks…..or does that say “Vogue” feelings. I have both, so it’s fine either way….and I need my eyes checked.

  87. No bank fees! Please make it so. Why do I have to pay to use my own money?
    Or, in the event that one is too tricky to pull off – dedicated ‘book time’ while at work.ie: I want time to curl up and read my book in the middle of the day.EVERY day.
    Peameal bacon – I do love it, and the regular stuff too. We have lots of bacon here. Weird fact – while you can easily get peameal all over central/eastern Canada… it’s hard to find it in the west. It’s like it doesn’t even exist.

  88. Free mental heath days for all. Students, workers, mothers, fathers, doesn’t matter. Everyone gets one mental health day a month to just be all “life is bullshit I need a break”.

  89. I think there needs to be a Red Dress holiday where everyone just goes and does what makes them feel good, so long as it doesn’t infringe on/harm anyone else. Or that might get confusing, so maybe everyone gets a Red Dress day added to their sick/leave time (regardless of employment), that way it’s staggered and we can help each other with our Red Dress Days.

  90. My first 2 titles sucked, but I liked the next one. I am, heretoforth, Endorsed Advisor of Pie Communication. I 8 pi. WTF? Pi is not on the keyboard. As an engineer, I am now in need of a holiday. Decree that: pi must have a key on every keyboard! 🙂

  91. Congratulations on your Presidency! I have no “wit ” like the other comments so I will leave it at that. CONGRATS!!

  92. I would love to be the Secretary of Headstrong Redheads. My boss said that like it was some kind of insult. I need one of those socks to show him, how much I don’t care.

  93. Please use your new authority to mandate the creation special anxiety bathrooms in every public building (for when your citizens just need a minute/hour to themselves in the midst of loud, extroverted chaos). But maybe call them Anterooms of Awesomeness, or similar, so we don’t have to publicly announce our anxiety disorder to everyone. And if you could use your powers to make them like a Room of Requirement or a TARDIS (bigger on the inside & only appears when you really need it), that would be great. Thanks very much. Long Live President Bloggess! Sincerely, the Majestic Protector Of Galapagos Shark Regulations

  94. The Celebrated Anarchist Of Spatula Communication says your next decree should have something to do with tortoises…and spatulas of course. I mean, have you every seen a tortoise with a spatula? Didn’t think so. I think that if it were legal, all tortoises would carry spatulas and break out in song. We can’t discriminate. Maybe they just want to cook too.

  95. Apparently I’m the Glittering Arch-Nemesis Of Eastern Bluebird Secrets. I’m totally okay with that. Jenny, as a fellow Jenn I’ll take on your portfolio for Natural and Unnatural Resources. This will include all things taxidermy. I think that will require full-time attention. We can discuss this during your Toronto State visit.

  96. I don’t think it’s right for the official anthem, but I strongly believe this should be used as intro music for all informational releases regarding new developments and decrees:

  97. UPS guy just came to the house while I was outside photographing some balloon animals (yes, I make them). I had a T-Rex in my hand when he handed me a bunch of packages. I traded him the packages for a T-Rex and told him happy Thursday! I’ve never seen a man look so confused yet so happy at the same time. : D You will need a Presidential Balloon Twister for your cabinet. I think it should be me. I shall make everyone confused, yet happy.

    (It is decreed. ~ Jenny)

  98. Haha “peameal bacon” isn’t accepted as a word because your dictionary is set to English (US). I bet if you set it to English (CAN) it would appreciate it. Or not. They’re generally not very good at letting us Canadians be, with their underlining-this and underlining-that. Let our bacon be!

    I would love to be Magnificent Ambassador of Sloth Huggery and Quirky/Uncommon Adorable Creature-Kinds. Or MASH-QUACK. Catchy.

  99. I propose a decree banning solid black or white socks, because that shit is boring. Also, I could do with less side-eye when I rock my collection of multi-colored awesome knee-highs. I own two pairs of socks from your new collection already and they never fail to brighten my day. Boring people need to get with the program and lose the socially acceptable socks.

  100. Last night after you became president, I was so excited that I couldn’t sleep. I watched an episode of Storage Wars where a guy bought a locker that included one of the coolest things I have ever seen – an antique sock knitter machine! And now here you are offering me socks. Coincidence? I think not.

  101. New national decree:
    Hiding in bathrooms with wine is an acceptable national past time & not a sign of anxiety.

  102. peameal bacon is INCREDIBLE! you don’t even know. Tell Victor to accept that bacon asap. If he has missed his opportunity, another Old Canadian will be by soon to offer him more, or a Timbit…. which he should also take.

    signed:
    Supreme Moose Minister

  103. I love you people. We’re gonna take over the damn world. But then we’ll give it back because we’re good at sharing and also frankly that seems like too much responsibility. I can barely take care of New Canada.

  104. Have you appointed a Minister of Assuring Comfortable Hiding Spaces Under Desks yet? I’d like to be considered for that. Or if that’s already filled, I’d be cool with Undersecretary of Absent Friends and Misplaced Ghosts. I have experience in both areas. References available upon request.

  105. Your next decree? Rainbows and glitter and kittens are mandatory to fight off shitty pieces of life. Like, “Bad day at work?? Send her the box of kittens ASAP, by order of PUSA!” And I used to have a title … it was long, and all I remember now is that I was Queen of the Fiddler Crabs.

  106. I would like to be the Secretary of Shenanigans…and I enjoy socks…

  107. NEW DECREE: Pugs for whenever you feel sad. Or accomplish something great, like on time to work five days in a row. Or one. Because, pugs.

  108. How about “A stuffed goat in every home!”??? I would also like to be referred to now as the Grand Duchess of Unicorns!

  109. Oh – forgot my suggested decree. Cat videos are mandatory. Cat socks are encouraged.

  110. I would like to be Secretary of the Liquor Cabinet where I’m the one who has the key and aosdingakjtanwektjb.,jhu bbcvjbnskjfhaweo go home i’m drunkl.

  111. You’re already the best president we’ve ever had. And probably the most well-liked. Well done, you.
    Perhaps your next president decree should be to change the National Bird from “Bald Eagle” to “Giant Metal Chicken.”

    I love everything about you.
    Erin
    Dreadful Overlord Of Koala Spies

  112. “Coordinator of Pinniped Promotion?” How am I supposed to promote them when I don’t even know if they’re working up to their current capabilities? Do Pinnipeds have capabilities, other than clapping and balancing balls? Do they want promotions? Maybe they’re happy working for minimum whatever they work for. Shit…I just remembered. Pinnipeds are carnivorous!!! Never mind. And I don’t really need the socks anyway. Because MY GIRLFRIEND ALREADY HAS THOSE SOCKS! MY GIRLFRIEND IS AWESOME! I’m going to promote my girlfriend. I am not going anywhere near a fucking pinniped. Period.

  113. Your first decree should be to assume control of Wikipedia and make it say whatever you want.

  114. Peameal bacon is good, but it is really more of a fried ham. We also have regular bacon!

    also your decree should be that everyone gets free socks so then you dont have to choose just 3 people.

  115. Speaking as a Canadian, we welcome you to lead our humble chunk of the world. (Actually, we’re pretty massive. Much bigger than a hat, anyway.)

  116. You should decree that if airlines offer peanuts, pretzels, or cookies, you automatically get all three. And if they don’t give them all to you initially, you can request them all without feeling guilty. Also, you should get the whole can of soda or bottle of water.
    Oh, and while we’re on the subject, decree that they should pick a ticket price and stick with it. (I’ll stop now before I go into full rant mode. Can you tell I was just shopping for plane tickets, that I can’t afford?? Grr.)

  117. Well, obvs, bloggessianism must be declared the official religion. It would be nice if the biggest law of all the land were “don’t be a dick”. Also, Facebook will need to require a two drink minimum and twitter will need double that.

    I think this presidency will be the finest yet. Not only will you be president, but we have a real chance of Totes Magoats being the new symbol of freedom and class. This is amazing. 🙂

  118. Please make me the Minister of Naps as your next decree. I just woke up at my desk. Oops

  119. Both types of cabinets should always be full of liquor. In fact, ALL types of cabinets should have liquor in them at all times. <–DECREE!!

    And I want to make a joke about the 14th decree that is issued is the Nth decree, but that’s all I got. (I’ll work on it.)

    There MUST be a MInister of Silly Walks and Bacon Shakin’ because that’s what you get when you carry bacon and walk silly.

  120. Your next Presidential decree should be to install a TARDIS (a real one — none of that fake cardboard stuff) in your office. And I shall be your official TARDIS Driver because limousines are for peasants. Which should be your second decree — limousines for all the peasants, because they work really hard and deserve it, you know?

  121. As the Ceremonious Lord of Woodland Caribou Appreciation, may I request that your next decree involve the founding of a program to provide all woodland animals with appropriately adorable human-wear, such as mittens, socks, hats or scarves?

  122. As your Grand Protector of Bee Communication/Glittering Ambassador of Teryaki Cuddling (seriously, I couldn’t stop playing with the name generator! I do have OCD, so that could be why I now have about 20+ titles…but these were my two favorites!), I recommend your next decree be the Pants Optional Referendum. Seriously, why are we all wearing pants, like, all the time?! Enough with the tyranny of pants!

    Also, maybe tack onto that the Late Night Hug Council, because I don’t know about anyone else, but 2am sneaks up like a bastard and there I am feeling all sad and insomnia-ish, and all I want is a hug. From Benedict Cumberbatch. So it’s mostly just him on the Council, but I feel like he could handle it.

  123. My Dearest Bloggess, an office full of ferrets (living or deceased) would be a vast improvement over our current Canadian Prime Minister.

    I am a proud Canadian, and more importantly, a proud Albertan (I’ve heard that Alberta is like Texas…only more apologetic). Our beautiful, oil producing province has recently undergone what is essentially a bloodless coup. Our Premier was an asshat, he screwed up by putting out a terrible budget and then proceeded to call an election. The election backfired on him, and they Progressive Conservatives were ousted after their 44 year reign of idocy. They didn’t even come in second in the election, they were demoted to third place in the provincial legislature winning only 10 seats of the 87 available (they previously held a 61 seat majority).

    We are now the proud owners of a New Democratic government. Something that no one in Canada every thought would happen. We moved from the ultra conservative right to the very socialist left. In the middle of an oil industry based recession. In what was once Canada’s most conservative province. In short…Canadians don’t like to be pissed off. 🙂

    This is why I know that you and your ferrets (living or deceased) will do a fabulous job running New Canada. Plus, I love socks in general, and those socks in particular.

  124. I’m afraid I must decline the role of Rogue Chair of Cupcake Weaving, but recommend that I be allowed to pass it to my daughter, as she may have born born to fill this role.
    First Presidential Decree suggestion – A Cupcake is not a cupcake unless it is frosted, otherwise it is a rogue muffin.

  125. I’m decreeing myself as Royal Scrubber of Negligent Adverbs. Can’t have those dirty, lazy, adverbs hanging around all entitled and totally. I’m also going to need some underlings, like the Officer of Hairball Preservationists and the Dad Sack of Flying Doritos. (but they don’t get socks)

  126. I am the Grand Poobah of Awkward Statements and Silences. Yes, both. Because I say stupid shit, and then everything gets quiet, and then I have to fill the silence with more stupid words coming out of my mouth. The Church tells me my title is actually Accredited Instigator Of Anise Sleep, but I don’t see why I can’t do both. I am a motherfucking multitasker.

  127. My prize is reading your blog. If you decide to throw some socks my way then Hey! I’ll take ’em!

  128. I like free socks. Particularly ones that say “fuck this shit.” Amazeballs, yo.

  129. My email address is bossamee so I need the boss of me socks! And I’m voting for you 🙂

  130. Your next presidential decree has to be that there should be no more limp bacon. That is a cruel, teasing kind of bacon that is fake and should not be tolerated. Punishment involves only being allowed peameal bacon for a year.

    Also, cheese needs a national holiday, and any mattress store that decides to have a sale on that holiday has to provide nap space. Also, the slogan of New Canadian should be “Good grammar costs nothing”, because seriously people, fix that shit.

  131. Also, I am henceforth Unorthodox Commando Of Soup Discipline. Making Campbell’s Tomato Soup with water instead of milk is grounds for excommunication. And loss of TV privliges. You have been warned.

  132. First decree; every criminal is required to get an advanced degree in some science, and they’re not allowed out of prison until they come up with some sort of solution to a problem facing humanity. Sorry was that too serious? Second decree; all companies must provide 40 hours of PTO a year for employees who just don’t feel like working today.
    I shall be the minister of fake pork products made of turkey.

  133. Haha, last night I was in a twitter conversation when I became president of Australia. I promised a long weekend every month.

  134. I want to be Secretary of Lame Puns. People would both be thrilled and appalled to see me.

  135. Everyone get’s a stuffed badger. That should be the next decree. Because what is a life without a stuffed badger? Empty and lacking a stuffed badger, that’s what.

  136. If it pleases Madam President I would like to serve as Secretary of Politeness and Butter Tarts – thank you for your time – thank you for your attention and just thank you.

  137. I would love to have equal access to maple syrup. As a resident of the southern states of Canada, maple syrup is not readily available, and then when you do find it, you have to pay an arm and leg for it. I would like to make myself the Minister of Maple Syrup, and make sure that everyone has open access to this valuable natural resource. My motto will be, “Bacon and maple syrup for all. And pancakes.”

  138. I’m smiling because I just learned about Peameal bacon sandwiches this week.

    I’m sure your administration would be the best thing ever – but the only government post I’ve ever wanted is the director of eliminating all but the most essential government. I fantasize about turning in my resignation the day we get the entire cabinet (heads and staff) down to twelve people.

  139. As the Infallible Duchess of Panda Whispering I believe your next decree should be that anyone who wants to bring their (safe and appropriate for the workplace) pet to work, must be allowed to by dint of thine holy edict. It is my sincere and wholehearted conviction that the world would be less arseholy and stressed if they were surrounded by fluffsom wonderpossums, (i.e. cats, dogs, hampsters etc).

  140. As official Danger Girl and Head of kitten wrangling, i give you all a get out of jail, or your speeding ticket free card.

  141. Those are seriously amazing socks. You should decree that everyone has to wear amazing socks at all times. Or at least on Mondays. Because Mondays need amazing socks.

    (To demonstrate my devotion to socks, I was going to include a picture of my TARDIS socks, or my pink and blue elephant socks {the elephants are pink and blue, the socks are green}, or the penguin socks I’m wearing right now, but I can’t figure out how…)

  142. You should decree every day National Pie Day. Pie is something that everyone can get behind.

  143. New national decree: (boring but important) Everyone must be paid a living wage that is indexed to inflation. Fun decree: every Friday is tequila night (you may substitute your beverage of choice) and everyone no work can be done between 4PM and 5PM for happy hour everywhere. I would like to be the Geisha of Science and have a staff of scientists whose job it is to go to schools and do fun and at least slightly dangerous science shows that get kids excited about science. Because I’m whimsical but also sensible. Dammit.

  144. Superintendent of Swan Grooming (and Old Canadian) here, the new decree should be to make sure every household gets a ferret!

  145. I am the Church of Bloggessianism’s Transcendent Knave Of Aardvark Sucker-Punches. My alternative title is Madame Cat Herder.

  146. Oh, I almost forgot the decree contest. I don’t like presidential decrees but I adore socks.. . . .
    so maybe a decree that the oxford comma is no longer optional?

  147. I submit my candidacy for the position of Minister (Ministress?) of Grammar and General of the Royal Mounted Grammar Police. People will be able to distinguish us from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police because we will be dressed as our Hogwarts professor of choice (Minerva McGonagall being reserved for me only) and instead of riding horses we will grammar patrol proudly on the backs of clockwork Beyoncé clones (the chicken, not the singer). Also, I am almost 40 and my Mom still constantly nags me about wearing socks when it’s cold because she knows that my feet sweat so I won’t wear them until it’s snowing outside. I’m sure she’d appreciate it if you’d send me a pair!

  148. i motion we make a motion that motions are to be swift and dainty. all motions that aren’t met with such grace and fortitude shall be met with roundhouse choruses of whatever track is currently blasting from the pinkprint – becasue im REALLY into niki minaj right now.

  149. i think your next Presidential Degree should be cupcakes and vodka for all.

  150. I shall be known as, “Magnificent Firebrand Of Barley Promotion.” This of course means that you should decree that barley shall be the national grain of New Canada. 🙂

  151. Decree! Taxidermy’d animals will count as Legal Service Animals for the purposes of mitigating anxiety

    I mean seriously I don’t know why the aren’t already, they’re so well behaved. Except George, he’s a real asshole that one. (This is a lie, I don’t actually know George, he may be a very well behaved Taxidermy’d animal. Now I feel like a horrible person for maligning his reputation)

    Socks!

  152. Presidential decree? Can you decree that we’re all your vice-presidents so we can all make up some new swanky business cards?

  153. Second decree (after heroic back bacon decree…or was it making us Canadian? fuck who cares – you are already better than the last 4 presidents I voted for):
    mandatory slip n slide entrance in front of the supreme court for all lobbyists
    my title if knighted er “selected” by vous would be…Misstress of Awkard Side Hugs

  154. Just remember…..as soon as you declare that you are running for president, your fundraising efforts will be heavily scrutinized, so you should, as Republicans who will remain un-named, do, and wait until the LAST.POSSIBLE.SECOND to announce it, so you can rake in the dough right now!!!

  155. By the order of Her Royal Highness, Jenny “The Bloggess” Lawson, first of her name, the following decree is to be put immediately into action:

    All citizens with anxiety disorders are hereby granted the right to a Xanax whenever they may need it.

    Citizens with anxiety disorders are defined as sentient beings who have been witnessed, or not witnessed (because they are hiding somewhere), Freaking the Fuck Out or Losing Their Shit in General.

    I want to be the (Ad)Minister of Benzodiazepines.

    Amen

  156. Peameal bacon is totally real, and scrumptious. As an old Canadian I speak with authority. Maybe that can be my title: Head of the Supervisory Committee of Scrumptious Bacon 🙂

  157. There must be a decree that anyone who attempts to stigmatize mental illness will be punished. How? I don’t know how, I’m not that creative. Look, you’ve got to do at least some of the work yourself, okay?

  158. Actually, I have another decree that I believe maybe of even greater importance than my last (fabulous) idea. A fully funded program for the development of Tardis technology (a subsection of this would of course be sonic screwdriver tech), pared with Doctor and Companion training programs that begin in Kindergarden and go through to PhD level. I believe this is the way forward for all Blognaris peoples!

  159. As the Grand Lady of Poodle Travel, I believe that we should expand travel equality to all breeds and species. Travel equality for all. 2015 is about inclusivity. Is that a word? Autocorrect says so, so I guess it is.

  160. I would ask to have the title of Most Venerated Cataloger of Sea Squirts and Bandicoots, but I already have it. And I think your next decree should be that everybody is required to sing “1,2,3,4,5, Once I Caught a Fish Alive” in a falsetto voice upon rising, just before coffee.

  161. I would like to be appointed to the Ministry of Eye Rolling. I’d make a damn fine Superintendent if I can make it through the confirmation hearings.

  162. As the Sublime Overseer of beet Whispering, I decree we no longer have such horrid winters here in New Canada so we can all stop shivering violently between the months of November and April. And so we can fucking grow beets year round.

    Awesome. Beets are awesome. I’m going to go quit my job ASAP so I can practice my beet whispers to ensure they kick ass…and buy some Jack Daniels for your new cabinet.

  163. Oh my gosh! My sister seriously loves funky, weird socks and every year for her birthday I try to find some awesome ones without success. You have just made me the best sister ever. Yes! Best President ever, for real.

  164. I have no sssuggestionsss but I am apparently really sssnake-y becaussse I tried the random title generator and got “Furious Duke of bull snake Sleep” and then “Brilliant Protector of cobra Promotion”

  165. I am guessing Totes MaGoats is vice president? He is perfect for the role. My title on your cabinet/Cabernet is aparently that of Royal Authority Of Ladle Promotion. Because ladles just didn’t get enough recognition in Old Canada or America, and we need to fix that shit!! It should be mandatory for everyone to wear fuck that shit socks. Then when people come to our new country and try dis ladles we just pull up our trousers and say ‘read the socks’….I wonder could I get away will pulling that stunt on my boss??

  166. I hereby submit my intention to run for the office of “Minister of Screaming Grapes”. It is my intention to make enough wine slushies for everyone else in office that the grapes will cry out for mercy. (Of which, I will offer none … but i will give them a goat to cuddle after lights-out.)

  167. as if I totally do not want cool socks, who could turn those down. I would also most humbly submit myself for the position of under secretary of ass kicking and rolling with it. It should be in the Dept of the Ulterior.
    All hail our new non robot overlord, and her cats.

  168. As the president of New Canada you should decree the Bloggess Day. It would be like Presidents day only better.

  169. We Canadians don’t want any of the bacon to feel bad so we let it all coexist in peace and harmony, however, to be clear, if you just say bacon we all know what your are talking about the other lesser kids of bacon require qualifiers, and are usually known as back bacon and pemeal bacon respectively and while they are not the bacon you know and love, it is delicious in its own right. Long live all bacon in New Canada!

  170. Hi, I’m Emily, the She of Space in your new cabinet. The post requires a love of space (I’m an aerospace engineering geek) and a tiara (waiting for me at home), so I’m all set. Oh, and thanks for getting New Canada to fix old Canada’s bacon, because really. For your decree, you can tell them they can keep the food, as long as they don’t pretend it’s bacon- they should use it’s proper name, which is “small circles of ham.”

  171. First of all, those socks are AMAZING. And you should make a (serious) decree about being able to get anti-depressants and such for free for everyone because it really sucks not being able to get what you need because you aren’t poor enough to get it free but don’t make enough money to afford both medicine and food. And a (super serious) decree mandating naps because naps are fantastic.

  172. Please pick me. I need a job. Canada needs a new leader. You need to visit Canada. I have too many cats (six). I need new socks. I need to know that you know that I’m here being needy but not a stalker. (although I do follow you.)

  173. I want to be the Notorious Officer of Chocolate Regulations. I will annex Bacon Hall shortly.

  174. By Presidential decree you cast out M&M’s in favour of the true candy covered chocolate – Smarties. Smarties are NOT little sugary candies – those are Rockets.

    This is important shit. Get on it Madam Pres. PS – you might want to say hi to the Queen since she’s technically your boss

  175. I am obviously the best candidate for Bacon Overlord and Quality Control Secretary. Or, I could just become the Minister (it is Canada, after all) of Sheep and Wooly Things. Because, Canada, cold, you know.

  176. I shall be Secretary of Smashing Spiders. I am especially adept to this skill as my house is currently infested with these little bastards.

    As your first decree as President you should proclaim Amanda MotherFucking Palmer’s “In My Mind” as the national anthem.

  177. I think the next official decree as president should come from your Presidential uuuuh cohort Wil Wheaton and just tell every Don’t Be A Dick is now the law.

    I will make note of this as a member of the cabinet… The Grand Vizier of Wine Slushies

    BeeTeeDubs… who’s your Vice President? It’s Vincent Van Goat isn’t it?

  178. I am the Exceptional Mastermind of Scallops Declarations, which I think makes me Secretary of Labor. (Also? The scallop movement sounds pretty organized.)

  179. Please decree that all citizens must do something for the common good each month. It’s like a tax but with being nice to each other. I need those Fuck This Shit socks to wear as Minister of Optimism. Everyone will be assumed awesome until they prove themselves otherwise.

  180. As your High Duchess of Wine, Queso and Tortillas, I decree abundant Mexican food for all, even the Old Canadians. Welcome to New Canada!

  181. As Infallible Chief Of Troodon Communication (I’m adding that to my resume, BTW), the next decree should be to declare the Troodon the National Dinosaur of New Canada. Even though they’re found in Texas. But, Texas is part of New Canada, so good enough.

  182. I thought that said “piecemeal bacon” and couldn’t figure out why someone would want piecemeal bacon (e.g., bacon bits) instead of ACTUAL BACON. So while you’re at it getting rid of peameal bacon, we also need a decree against bacon bits. Signed, Sanctioned Superintendent of Chives Communication

  183. I am now the Majestic Czar of Pudding Elimination therefore you should decree that all pudding be sent to me so that I may properly eliminate it.

  184. Next decree: Let there be maple bacon. Thank goodness we are all Canadians now.

  185. President Jenny decrees a 5 hour maximum workday and mandatory nap time.

  186. As the Elegant Undersecretary of Weasel Declarations, I henceforth declare that all offices must be large enough to fit 1000 live ferrets. Comfortably. Which would be huge, because ferrets tend to pile up and bite each other and everything that moves if their space is even slightly limited — which is cute but super-uncomfortable. Those little teeth are sharp.

  187. I will be the Minister of the Pet Therapy Administration. Therapy pets for people, therapy companions for other pets, including those in the vet offices.

  188. I’d vote for you and would welcome the merge of the US with Canadians. We should involve Mexico and South America and just be known as America.

  189. Thank you for making me smile..it is one of those days and you and bacon really make me smile. In your new kingdom, I would like to be the “Vanquisher of Big-Dummy-Stupids”, because well they need to be vanquished because they have been allowed to run amuck for too long!

  190. Eminent pixie of picnic promotion here, I decree that anyone unexpectedly gifted socks shoul have to unexpectedly gift a stranger socks. (These socks should be new and unworn, unless requested otherwise)

  191. I will be the Minister of the Pet Therapy Administration. I will ensure that people who need therapy pets get them. I will also make sure that they are available in all colleges during exams. I will also make sure that there are therapy companion animals for those that are in the vet for one reason or another.

  192. I’m not saying that your new Transcendent Officer of digestive system Spies just spent $50 on those socks, but I’m also not saying that they didn’t… shifty eyes (By the way, I’m your new Transcendent Officer of digestive system Spies. I have terrible digestive issues so I guess that works?

  193. I forgot my decree idea! I think you should decree that every citizen, upon reaching their majority, gets 2 acres and a llama. 2 acres because it’s enough room to build a house and have neighbors without having them in your business all the time! And llama because LLAMA! They’re so cute and they would keep the lawns nice and trimmed! Oh and I’m in dire need of those “You’re not the boss of me!” socks! I need to wear them to our next team meeting at work. But I would never wear them in front of you Madame President! I have to much respect for Your Royal Canadianness to do that!

  194. As Imperial Rapscallion Of Guinea Pig Accidents, I am advising you to decree that pants are optional on days that end in “y” and that any calories consumed on one’s birthday do not count.

  195. A chicken for every porch, obviously. I shall be Undersecretary of Snark, and my portfolio shall include CBC. Thank you, thank you.

    Just telling someone today, I miss me too when I’m gone.

  196. Presidential decree – free chocolate (your choice of milk or dark) every other day. And no more fucked up bacon!
    so suggests your new Majestic Instigator of tree shrew Sleep

  197. Eminent pixi of picnic promotion here, I suggest as a decree that anyone unexpectedly receiving a gift of socks should then have a duty to gift another pair of socks to a stranger . (These socks should be unworn and new unless specifically requested as otherwise)

  198. decree socks on goats and foxes in coats day. . .because animals need to feel fashionably trendy too. . .especially in Canada where it must be chilly.

  199. Oh goddess I needed this today. It’s been an eyeore type of day.
    I propose that your next decree be: Those that are having bad days get to wear capes…or a bear suit depending on the type of bad day.
    I also decree myself Minister of Pushing Papers Off Desks Whilst Exclaiming Fuck This Shit (“Minister of Nope” for short)

  200. I just thought of another job I want to have in your cabinet. I want to be Minister of All Fucks Given. I will dole out the appropriate amount of fucks for any and all situations. Earthquake in Nepal? We give a serious amount of fucks. Slut-shaming, misogynistic asshole on Fox News complains? We have zero fucks to give for that shit. I would be amazing at this. I also think Rory would be a good Vice Minister of All Fucks Given.

  201. I think you should decree a new measurement system. More confusing than standard similar to metric but based on farm animal sizes and weights.

  202. As the Sublime Commando of Dalmatian Dogma, I advise you to decree that daily naps must be offered, and the minimum RDA of dark chocolate is 9 ounces. Or should it be 255 grams? Are we using English or Metric?

  203. The Official Nuturer of Naps here. I need some socks so my toes stay warm while I am researching the physics of napping. I think you should decree an official daily naptime.

  204. Can I have Fuck This Shit socks? I feel that as a preggy with a 13 month old, they’re needed.

    Also, I think Victor’s in Europe because we don’t have that non-bacon here. I’ve never seen it, that’s for sure.

  205. As the Celebrated Rapscallion Of Spectacled Porpoise Braiding, I have the spectacles handled. The rest, I’ll have to figure out on the job. We can do this!

    I propose a daily siesta of five hours so we can nap and sock shop online.

  206. Can I be Minister for “the specific books I have in my bookshelves” all funding will be used to increase this therefore making me look both more intelligent and I can constantly claim year on year growth unless there’s a fire

  207. A decree should be made about cats. Cats should be scacred and your cats should have their own cabinet of political cats. Another cabinet is needed as well. A secret cabinet for catnip because the press would have a field day if they knew the cats were doing catnip. What a CATASTROPHE. I will be Senator of catastrophes because everyone needs a main head of clean up for messes. Also I get weekends and mornings off. This Senator doesn’t do mornings.

  208. I suggest decreeing a law that every 3rd Tuesday, citizens must consume McNuggets in bed with a plastic go-cup of wine. Because once in awhile, it’d be nice to have an excuse.

  209. I’m happy to accept my nomiation as Rogue Agitator Of Coffee Shaving. I’ve dreamed of this honor since I was a wee girl!

  210. When you are President, you should declare a day when everyone has the right to stab one person in the thigh with a fork. Call it “Are You Done Yet? Day.”

  211. You can come be the new prime minister of Canada. And hey, we have lots of road kill here FYI. I think you should announce your candidacy by wearing a moose hat sitting on a dead bull and declare your party the STB party (stop the bullshit).

  212. I have the Blue-Q socks that say ‘Carpe the Fuck Out of This Diem.’ I love them.

  213. I need these socks. And then I’m ordering them for all my friends for their birthdays, according to personality. Thank you, Jenny, for showing me the awesomest thing all. damn. day.

  214. What an interesting coincidence. Today I bought 2 pounds of Boar’s Head Bacon (on sale – 2 for $9.00 USD) and prominently displayed on the front of the package is “Product of Canada”

  215. Oh, and I call dibs on Official Counter of Spoons when you are President of New Canada.

  216. I will be the secretary of honesty. Because I have a condition a friend calls “honesty turrets”. Want to know if you’re doing a shit job? You won’t even have to ask.

  217. I would like you to decree that size 14 is the new size 0. Or better yet that there are no sizes anymore. They shall be replaced with ice cream flavors. “What flavor of jeans do you wear? I wear a chocolate mint chip but I am hoping to fit into a bunny tracks by summer.”

  218. We need a presidential decree declaring that the wearing of fairy wings is acceptable attire when in overly adult situations such as appearing in court or on PBS talk shows. Since you are the president of Canada, I believe the cabinet members get to be Ministers. I’d like to be the Minister of Drinking by Campfires. If that’s already claimed, I will take Minister of S’Mores.

  219. As the Secretary for the Department of Jens, I would gather all the fabulous Jens, Jennys and Jennifers who reply to your posts and we would be at your beck and call with bagels, coffee, cocktails and humor, plenty of humor!

  220. I am the Sanctioned Overlord Of Leopard Grooming! My army of big cat stylists and I shall usher in a new era of up do’s and pedicures for the animal kingdom.

  221. As Commander of Chocolate Rain, and since I now have law-making abilities in New Canada, I decree that the water in Niagara Falls be replaced with Nutella.

  222. We definitely need a decree whereby coffee creamer is outlawed and alcohol is the required substitution. Perhaps followed by the one about all office watercoolers must be replaced with booze dispensers.

    And I should like to be Secretary of Sparkly Chickens please.

  223. Peameal bacon in right-footed socks only. If you can figure out which sock goes on which foot. Which I don’t know anyone who can.

  224. I should like to be Prime Minister of Puppy Petting and recommend that your next decree involve fridays off for everyone, or at least visits from puppies for those who have to be at work. If you could especially make this happen for me and my work, I’d really appreciate it. Rock on.

  225. The only thing bacon should be wrapped in is chocolate. I think your cabinet should definitely include the Baron of Baconistas who would be charged with carefully enrobing ALL the bacon in ALL the chocolate. But that’s just me.

  226. I am your random “Magnificent Official of Animal Promotion ” ! I decree every home shall include at least one furry cat of your choosing ! But all must be spayed or neutered ! It is “HIP TO CLIP” ! And “cat naps” are mandatory ! 🙂

  227. Your next presidential degree should be “An ice hockey game shall be played everyday” because of (old) Canada. Plus I love ice hockey and I go into withdrawals during the summer. My title is “No tact ever Minister” because I tend to say things without thinking first, so I am well suited for the job. Thank you.

  228. Legalise marijuana, cause my headaches are getting bad! And please please please make winter only, maybe 2 months long, because this 5 months nonsense is getting old! Oh and make the not so busy bees finish the Gardner already! That highway is hell!!!

  229. I would like to apply for the position of CIO (chief intoxicated one) of the new ministry of whiskey, since we can no longer distinguish between Canadian Whiskey and American Whiskey. Someone needs to keep the public clear on their whiskey origins

  230. Welcome to the Great White North, President! Back bacon is a dry excuse for the real thing – I’m fairly sure some settler needed a fancy term for the dried out ham that was forgotten at the back of the smoke house, way back when (Canadian point of view, donchaknow). Anyhoo – our pretty money actually SMELLS like maple syrup, and therefore will never, ever be replicated by those nasty organized crime types who took such horrible advantage of the old money not being plastic. I don’t need any socks, because mentalpause and get that shit off my feet, but I’d be happy to be your Chief Administrator of Crocheted Covers for All Things Chilly, as you may have a wee period of adjustment to our chillier Northern climes.

  231. I would like to be the Secretary of Passive Aggressive Snarking. (It’s been that kind of week.) Next on your agenda should be back rubs for all on afternoon breaks for those who want them. We work hard, ya know?? 🙂
    And I would definitely vote (elect? nominate? agree heartily?) for you as president.

  232. i don’t think this comment thingy has worked for me since you moved your blog, but if i win the socks, i would like to win them for my friend FG because she kicks ass and loves socks.

    signed, Glittering Firebrand of popsicle Snogging

  233. My niece sent me the “kick this day in its sunshiny ass” socks as part of the bestest care package ever when I was recovering from a prophylactic double mastectomy. I love them.

  234. You can totally be president of Canada AND head of the Church of Blogessianism, because the Queen of England is that and the head of the Church of England. Also, you saved me the bother of having to physically move to Canada, which rocks because moving SSSSUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKSSSS! Lastly, I would like to be Minister of Appropriate Charitable Donations. I would like the authority to hunt down and kneecap everyone who “donates” their worn out period panties and garbage bags full of wet towels to Goodwill. Seriously, I will cut a bitch next time I tear into a bag of clothes soaked in cat pee.

  235. Your next decree is that every household must have a giant metal chicken to greet people.

    Suggested by your Noble Loose Cannon Of Capricorn Dogma

  236. Your next presidential decree shall be that membership in the NRA automatically puts one on a life long mailing list for NAMBLA. And a toque.

    As far as assembling a cabinet, I recommend staying away from IKEA. Those extra little pieces would probably end in an arms agreement with Tierra del Feugo or something. And you can’t fix that with an Allen wrench.

  237. proper peameal bacon is made from peameal, not cornmeal, And it is wonderful stuff, fried up with poached eggs and hashbrowns. Old Canada is still awesome, it’s just middle Canada (especially those weirdos out east) that is in need of help.

  238. You are all welcome here. Just behave yourselves and were will get along just fine!

  239. Your first decree should be to declare Chocolate Covered Bacon Day. Because chocolate saves lives. And – Bacon. Just bacon. I need say no more about it.

    If I’m in your liquor cabinet, I would like to be Minister of Vodka, but my official title would be Chief Bellower. I used that once when I was helping my friend run a workshop for children. A child asked me who I was that I could tell the children what to do, and without skipping a beat, I told her I was the Chief Bellow-er. She accepted that completely so it must be true.

    If I win the socks, please send them to Ashleigh (#46). She needs them more than I do.

  240. If you are elected (or take over by force…whatever), can I be Ambassador of Gay Cat Owners (that’s gay owners of cats, not owners of gay cats…gay cats are sinners)?

  241. Something about real maple syrup as a food group. And maybe something about wearing plaid. Although those might apply to Vermont, too. But that’s ok, we VT’ers like our neighbors to the north.

  242. All currency rather than having the face of the Queen will have the face of Nathan Fillion. Or Hermione Granger. Actually, let’s just make it River Tam.

  243. Give prizes for satisfying puns and math equations that collapse down to zero if you do the algebra shebang right.

  244. I am the Furious Knave of Rhinoceros Declarations, but I’m not entirely certain that my coworkers would appreciate being called Rhinoceroses. All the rest fits, though. At any rate, if you could decree that my husband turns the heat on when the house is 62 degrees, I would appreciate it, because he won’t listen to me. All he says is “It’s going to be 80 next week. Enjoy the cold while you can.”

  245. Canadians are not like the rest of us. Especially when it comes to bacon. If you’ve never read the Yarn Harlot’s (yarnharlot.ca) post about “bacon powder,” you should. Just saying.

  246. WE ARE NOT FUCKING UP BACON. As long as you don’t rename “American cheese” “New Canadian cheese,” I’m okay, because that stuff is nasty. I can’t believe Americans actually OWN that cheese. Come replace our Prime Minister; he’s a douche.

  247. Your first decree should be that jammies are now standard business wear. And instead of cubicles, there will be blanket forts. Employees still have to work 8 hours, but the time can be broken up by naps. That means we need to hire lots more bus drivers and doctors and suchlike, which will also fix underemployment.

    Rachel, Minister of Comfyness

  248. I would love a decree that any adult can give him or herself a time out when bill collectors start hounding them, even if it’s just for one day. Or better yet, let’s give the bill collectors a time out if they call during dinner time (or more than 2 times in a 24 hour period)!!

    Also, BAN plain white socks, because what the hell is the point of those?

  249. Apparently, I am your new Distinguished Custodian Of Jug Whispering. I’m not quite sure whose jugs I have to whisper to, but I have a feeling that whether they’re mine or someone else’s, I’ll look more than a little strange doing it. 🙂

    As far as peameal bacon goes, for those of us in the U.S., I think we call it Canadian bacon, and it has nothing to do with cornmeal. But I could be mistaken.

    Mandatory wine, naps, Beyoncé (metal chicken, not the artist), and your books are perfect decrees.

  250. Make your decrees from the socks, stay away from a**holes, f*ck this shit, all good decrees, you may actually fix the world, so I’d like to be your Secretary of Socks which could make me more of a drawer than a cabinet…. Robin Williams said Canada was like a really nice apartment over a meth lab.

  251. Even if you can’t get us all socks, I want those socks! I’m the Sublime Arbiter of Camel Expansion. We all need more camels. Possibly bigger camels. More bigger camels?

  252. From Administrator of Giant Metal Sloths – Presidential Decree #3,457,689: Free continuous air conditioning for all! (It would be like a jacket or pants that work as heaters OR coolers to keep you always at the temperature you want to be at. Comes in black, beige, and purple).

  253. Being that my name is Mary, Fairy Godmother, I already have a title so I best be in your cabinet. Prefer the liquor one if you don’t mind. Thanks

  254. You should decree that commenting on social media counts as exercise and writing. We’ll feel great about our thin and svelte fingers and our word count won’t suck at zero for the day.

  255. I would like to be in your cabinet, my new title is Magnificent Hooligan of Hyracotherium Cultivation. Thank you

  256. On behalf of Canada, I apologize to Victor for the pea bacon incident! Clearly it was offered to him by foreign agents sent to undermine our proud tradition of bacon and syrup as official food groups.

  257. Wow, I couldn’t beat Transcendent Knave Of Koala Regulations as a title if I tried all day and knight.

  258. I could get behind decreeing that everyone gets a free dog/cat/other pet of choice. Or maybe mandatory curling matches every month? At any rate, I look forward to being annexed into New Canada.

    Dawn, Eminent Officer Of Shrimp Grooming

  259. I’m from Canada and I have never heard of Peameal bacon, must be a French thing. Or Ontario… they’re weird. I want to be the chief of baby animal cuddling. And yes all religions were invented by someone. There’s thousands of us, who do we write to get this obvious mistake fixed?

  260. All Double Unicorn Success Club Members shall from this (or that) day forward be awarded a lifetime supply of magical socks!

  261. Forget bacon. Did you know that Kit Kats have caramel in them in Canada?! That shit needs to be remedied!

    Also, I think my title should be Captain of Creative Canadian Cursing because I excel at it thanks to my Canadian grandmother. (Really, its pretty much the only french I speak.)

  262. As the new Inspector General of the Semantics Police, I think the “I have mood swings” socks would make a smashing uniform. Umm… maybe not just the socks, unless naked is the new black in New Canada.

  263. I’m your Illustrious Duchess Of Chickadee Digestion and I suggest you issue a decree for optional naptime (without being looked down upon!) and a decree to be able to take puppy/kitty/other animal breaks when needed! 🙂

  264. I really can’t compete with these comments as I’ve been running a fever for 24 hours. But, I’d really love the socks and I’ll even wear them at your book signing in Austin next fall while I geek out over meeting you in person. My title as your minion can just be Aliscia the Great because I set my computer at work up to fill that in every time my name was typed to test it as a joke to play on someone else but I can’t figure out how to undo it and now I have to correct myself every time I type my name. So, really, you’d be doing me a favor.

  265. As the Furious Strangeling Of Cat Declarations – I demand that vegetarian foods pretending to be meat should be outlawed. If they want meat, they should just eat meat….

  266. I don’t know if anyone has suggested this decree yet (because holy crap there are already 307 comments on this post and I am at work and don’t have time to read them all) but I think a minimum of 30 PAID minutes each work day should be dedicated to watching adorable kitty/puppy/sloth/hamster/rooster/whatever-animal-you-think-is-cute videos. I know we pretty much all already do this, but I think it should be official-like. And also I know my odds of being chosen to receive your generous gift of socks are, like, ridiculously low, so I wanted you to know that I already own 5 or 6 pairs of socks from this company and I absolutely love them and wish everyone the best of luck 🙂 My favourite pair say “It’s my parent’s fault” because of course it is and thank god for that! Also also I am already Canadian and would like to officially welcome you as our President and good riddance to the lunatic who was running our fine country into the ground before you came and rescued us.

  267. You can be president AND founder/guru/messiah of the Church of Bloggessianism, if you want! Queen Elizabeth II is head of state and church in the UK… In your cabinet I would like the role of Doer of Extreme Procrastination and Occasional Naughtiness😈😈😈😈

  268. I haven’t finished post or generated my cabinet position because FIRST I had to go spend $50 on socks.

  269. I am now Glittering Firebrand Of Assassin Bug Cultivation. I would love to manage a group of assassin bugs, but I don’t want to touch them. Or look at them. Or talk about them. But I will totally cultivate the heck out of them.

  270. Please be the Queen Master of Canada, anything is better than what we have now. I want to be in your Minister of Weather Control because Canada controls the weather. All those times that your weatherman said a cold front came down from Canada, well, you’re welcome. We don’t want to keep all the cold fronts in the North where they really come from.

  271. I will be on your cabinet. I will be the Grand Poobah of of the liquor cabinet, vodkatarian section. And your first decree should be something about lasts. And bloody Marys. Probably both. Ok I’ve got it, your first decree should be mandatory karaoke parties with bloody mary bars and laser beams. Anyone refusing to participate is relegated to school drop off duty.

  272. Oh yeah I forgot. What is the immigration process like? Do I just bring socks and bacon. I’m already a Bloggessian.

  273. Ok..so you’re the head of our Bloggessian church, which makes you Pope Jenny, the Most High and Holy, and being that it’s the church of YOU, that makes you a GODDESS as well. And probably a saint. So, the 1st thing you need to do as President is decree every day as St Jenny day.

  274. I have been trying to get someone to appoint me Minister of Propagander for years now, and here’s my chance! Please to decree at least one Tim Horton’s per city in the States Formerly Known as America. And socks. I like socks. Especially the moods swings ones…

  275. Your next presidential decree? That all munchkin cats are beings of higher truth and wisdom and therefore get to live in tiny castles.

  276. I am from Canada and I declare that peameal bacon is horseshit…..it is NOT bacon! Bacon is streaked with fat and is oh so delicious. Peameal bacon is ham……fucking crap.

  277. I really want some peameal bacon now.

    Next presidential decree should be: Peameal bacon for everyone w/an optional side of peas.

    Signed,
    Danielle
    Magnificent Facillitator Of Kitten Communication

  278. New Decree: All voice mail boxes will be converted to one single message which is: text me, asshole. There will be no beep and voice mail will cease to exist. Finally.

  279. Everyone shall be granted holiday time off with pay on the religious holidays of every religion. That is MUCH more inclusive and harmonious than the “everyone begrudging allows people to take off only the days for their specific religion” routine that we’ve got going on now.

  280. Presidential decree : Formal dress at fancy functions be replaced with comfy, fuzzy slippers and warm jammies and fluffy blankets as jackets and wraps.

  281. I LOVE those socks! I really love wearing crazy socks all the time. I have some for all the major holidays. Right now I’m sporting my bright pink Valentine’s Day socks.

    I declare myself to be The Distributor of Zany Socks. I will post daily links to socks that fit with one of the Holidays of the Day.

    For example… One of the holidays for today is Hummus Day, which occurs the Third Thursday of every May. I don’t know why there is a Hummus Day, but someone out there must REALLY love their hummus.

    I bet you didn’t know that there were Hummus socks out there! Sure enough!

    For Women: http://www.cafepress.com/+hummus_womens_ankle_socks,1382984986

    For Men: http://www.cafepress.com/+hummus_with_carrots_mens_crew_socks,1408031053

    For Kids: http://www.cafepress.com/+mezze_table_kids_ankle_socks,1383304395

    Perhaps you would prefer to wear socks that have Hummus on Toast? Well here you go! http://www.cafepress.com/+toasts_with_hummus_with_parsle_womens_ankle_socks,1383196695

    What if you prefer your Hummus in it’s original Chick Pea form? Don’t worry! I’ve got you covered! http://www.cafepress.com/+chickpeas_over_spoon_womens_ankle_socks,1383160424

    May 21st is also “I Need A Patch For That” Day. There are many different possible options of socks for this day. Here is one…. You can put a patch on socks you already own, thus saving you the time and cost of having to buy socks with patches. http://tashamillergriffith.com/2015/03/26/fixing-store-bought-socks/

    May 21st is also End of the World or Rapture Party Day. Don’t worry! Here are some Rapture socks that will withstand the roughest of environments if the world ends today! youYou may not know where your next meal will come from, but at least you will have warm and dry feet! http://www.bivouac.co.nz/comfort-socks-rapture-sock.html

    It is also National Wait Staff Day! You can wear these awesome Super Waiter Socks to show your support to your favorite Waiter or Waitress! http://www.amazon.com/Part-time-Restaurant-Parody-Waiter-Serving/dp/B00JAQA78U

    So there you go…. Here are some awesome socks that people could wear on just a few of the holidays for today!

    Soon everyone in Canmerica will have a plethora of fun, zany and unique socks to celebrate every day of the year!

  282. You should decree that the plant breeders get to work immediately on apple grass, so we have it for New new new new new new new…..Canada.

  283. I am going to be the Ambassador to New France where my job is to eat all the cheese and delicious French bread and pastries. Don’t worry, I will share.

    As for a presidential decree, I think you should decree Pajama jeans socially acceptable to wear as business casual workwear. Actually, ALL pajamas will be acceptable workwear!

  284. I have to tell you the story about my daughter, when she was about 5 she came out of her room stating she was running away. She had in her arms a brown grocery bag full of socks! That girl loved socks and still does today! She did not run away. She stood on the porch for a little bit and came back in, clutching that bag of socks. We still laugh about that today. Now I am laughing so hard I cannot think of a decree. If I win the socks I will give them to her in a brown paper bag!….jen

  285. I move that your next decree should be that all government offices, medical facilities, and institutional learning facilities will have at least one large nap room, complete with hammocks, mattresses, benches, recliners, couches, pillows, blankets, stuffed animals, and warm milk/hot cocoa dispensers, with both whipped cream and marshmallow options.

    Additionally, I am formally applying for the position of Secretary of Secular Profanity, of the Minisrty of Potty Mouths. Oh, and I’ll need an undersecretary, this shit isnt going to govern itself. And a French/English dictionary, apparently.

  286. We’ll need to get the Full sized Sashquatch statue from the Sky Mall catelog now!!!

  287. Undersecretary of Trailer Park Boys Syndication. Because it needs to be on everyone’s TV now. It’s another awesome Canadian thing.

  288. Your next decree should be “Mondays will now be called Sunday part Duex and Tuesdays (unless they fuck it up) will get the number one spot of the work week.”

  289. I LOVE those freaking socks! I have the “stay away from assholes” pair. Bought them right after my divorce. Thought it was apropos. 😉

  290. I would like to be considered as the Secretary of Glitter-bomb Defense. I already have a comprehensive list of assholes who need to be glitter-bombed.

  291. All of those socks are awesome. I love socks. I want to be the Secretary Of My Give A Damn Is Broken. Or If You Need Me I’ll Be Sleeping.

  292. Well, your next decree obviously has to be to name ME Secretary of Cat Wrangling because, see, I have EXPERIENCE:
    DANG IT — cannot figure out how to post the screen capture! But take my word for it, my job description on Facebook is: “Chicken Rancher, Cat Wrangler, and Doggie Doorman.” Honest to God!

  293. I think you are technically the Prime Minister of New Canada…Welcome PM Lawson! I think you’ll love it here! You have way better hair than our current PM, and I like your bacon platform. I think I would make a great Minister of All that Tastes Like Butter, but is Not. 👑

  294. Official wine taster. You are going to have one giant ass cabinet! And hammock tester.

  295. I think you should decree that all citizens should be allowed to drink wine from a box the same way an elementary schooler drinks juice from a pouch. Pop in a straw, and you’re good to go. Also acceptable: Cake every day. Because every day is someone’s birthday.

    Also, I would love to be your Chair of Random Whatnot and Spokesperson of the Easily Distracted.

  296. Decree: No book– whether a textbook, trashy novel, or comic book — shall be subject to any kind of tax, ever.
    (Also, when you’re president, will you make sure that whipped cream is covered under the Affordable Care Act? And I don’t mean generic cream either. I mean the good stuff, like Cool Whip, or maybe there’s a ginormous kitchen somewhere in, I dunno, Nebraska where hundreds of grannies are whipping up cream every day. Anyway, whipped cream makes everything better* so it ought to be subsidized somehow.) (*If whipped cream can’t make it better, then bacon will.)

  297. So, I want to be the Princess Queen of Nice-Enforcement when someone sings of Canada Blaming songs. Also, I’ll poffer any kind of Bacon to the Ney-Sayers cause we’re Canadian, and Canadians are fucking nice, yall, eh.

  298. I need those socks in my life! So my suggestion is you decree that everyone must eat ice cream at least once per day. Thank you.

  299. Decree that everyone gets a huge tank of water and two Dolphins that they can swim with. Because who can be in a bad mood if they just swam with dolphins?

  300. Suggested Presidential Decree: All public water now fortified with Xanax. Seriously, we need this.

  301. Approved Czar of Amoeba Snogging reporting in. 1st official decree suggestion: No more snogging amoeba’s. That’s just gross.

  302. AS a Canarican (Canadian living in the US) Americans are the ones who call it Canadian bacon … we call it ham. Although Canadian Bacon is a funny movie though. and true Back Bacon is rolled in corn meal and I have no idea why

  303. Your Plutarch of Professional Feline Alphebetizers, reporting for duty. You should decree that all workplaces have designated cuddly critter rooms, where you can pet and play with cats/puppies/sloths/ferrets/critterofyourchoice between doing important job stuffs.

  304. Your random title is:
    Distinguished Custodian Of Bactrian Camel Regulations

    I love it! Thank you for my new random title!

  305. As your Rogue General of Quail Training, I would like you to decree that all us New Canadians get pet quails for our cats, so I can expand my empire to all cat-owned-New-Canadians. Thank you for the Blue Q socks!!!!!!

  306. I suggest that your first presidential decree be that nobody ever has to get up before 8 AM again. Also,
    I think that you should abolish Mondays. Don’t need ’em. /nod

  307. I love Blue Q! Especially the “Carpe the fuck out of this diem” socks. I’m not sure they still have them though… Stay away from assholes is always tremendous advice.

    Your First and Bestest Captain Blondecident of All the Coffee in New and Old Canada humbly suggests that all extremists should be killed. Or intolerance be bitch slapped. You’re the Prez, PM, or Holy Whateverness, you decide.

  308. Well naturally I’d be the Vice-head-minister-chairmen of book-hoarding/napping. And my official decree is that every 8th day is gravy day. Where it is strongly suggested that you consume a gravy-based diet for a mandatory minimum of 2.716 meals. Or else everyone will glare at you when your back is turned.

  309. I think you need to decree that all “Monday”s will officially be changed to “Dance Party, a Necessary Extension of Sunday”. And I’d really like to be the Prime Minister of Donuts, if that’s still available. Thanks much, rock the vote!

  310. Decree that everyone have the right to have a bathtub full of kittens whenever they are sad, and that if people cannot afford bathtubs or kittens, they shall be provided free of charge. Because whenever I try to imagine what a bathtub full of kittens would be like, (or trying to be in the bathtub with the kittens) it’s too ridiculous for me to stay sad.

    Also, thank you for showing me these socks. They make me think of Seeley Booth, from the show Bones, and how he wears weird socks to stick it to the man.

  311. As Minister of Happy Places, I think you should decree that everyone should get to have a beach near where they live. I haven’t exactly worked out how you would achieve this, but that is how strong my faith in your Presidency is.

  312. Our new ‘official’ anthem… why? Cuz we love our beaver!!

    Oh Canada oh-oh Oh Canada!!!

  313. Work days will now include a siesta, and all employees will be provided with unlimited free e-books of nap time stories read by Morgan Freeman.

  314. oh ignore the Heritage Moments at the beginning and the end of the vid… inside joke…

  315. Goats for everyone! But, as I don’t have room for a goat, socks will have to suffice.

  316. i have the “Stay away from assholes” socks. Sometimes I just take off my shoe to remind myself (and others).

  317. Well, here’s my title as generated by your fancy-schmancy title generator: Ceremonious Executive Of Snail Travel. Honestly, I prefer staying on my couch. Snails actually do move, if slowly. Crap, I’m comment #379! Why even bother to scroll all the way up and figure out what the hell I was supposed to come up with anyway? Was it a decree? Um, how about a real one: Mental health care parity for all, no matter what, and yes, that includes Medicare. Sickness is sickness. Medicare seems to think that if someone is disabled due to mental illness, somehow they do not deserve the same (mental) health care coverage than someone disabled by an illness of a different body part. (Sorry, just couldn’t think of anything funny.)

  318. I’m so pleased you are a Canadian now. Mainly because that means Stephen Harper is no longer the PM. Happy Days!!!

  319. I feel so much better about our election in November – at last a president us Canadians can relate to. Next decress – the bloggess comes to Vancouver, British Columbia on her book tour!
    No? ok, never mind, sorry. So sorry.

  320. Oh and my new title is the Accredited Executive of Zubeneschamali Communication (as per generator)

    I have no idea what that is but since most politicians (present company called The Bloggess excluded) have no idea what the hell they’re doing I shall fit right in…

    Don’t know why bacon is such a hot button topic… but I have always wondered why the US calls it Canadian bacon when we call it back bacon… weird…

  321. Well, my title is Magnificent Official Of Brittle Star Spies. What does that even mean? I think you should decree that assholism is now a crime.