And then that one time on twitter we all just became human and I laughed until I gave myself a headache.

Yesterday I started up leg four of the Furiously Happy book tour (click here for Minneapolis tonight) and I tweeted this:

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Then twitter came to my rescue and throughout the night thousands of you shared your own cringey moments, which were so awesome that hotel security had to do a welfare check on me because I was laughing so hard the people next door thought I was dying.  I tried to convince them I was fine but I had tears running down my face and they were like, “Are you sure you don’t need help?  Is someone hurting you?” and I was like, “No, this is what I look like when I’m happy” and they left, as confused as most people who deal with me are.  I tried to storify the tweets to share them with you but there were too many and it kept crashing so instead I just decided to do a bunch of screenshots and share them here.  I waited until after 5 because you cannot read these at work.  You will hurt yourself.  In a good way.

Thank you, amazing people for reminding us all how stupid and adorable and ridiculous mankind is, especially as the rest of the world screams “ME TOO” at your mortifying confessions.  Also, if you don’t laugh in recognition of doing at least a quarter of these yourself you are probably in the wrong place or just haven’t lived long enough.  Just saying.

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UPDATED:  This is not the end because mortification is the gift that never ends.  Links to more here.

462 thoughts on “And then that one time on twitter we all just became human and I laughed until I gave myself a headache.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I saw some of these retweets last night and wondered about them. Funny as hell. I wanted to add my own gaff, but didn’t as I wasn’t sure of the origianl context. I will tell you now:

    I told my friend, who had just come from a hair salon with her 85 year-old mother that I had recently watched a funny movie they would love. My friend’s mother said, “I love funny movies. What’s it called?” Blow Job, I said. The movie was actually Blow Dry.

  2. I was unable to read these aloud to my husband last night because I kept bursting into laughter during the best ones.

  3. You’ve heard Brian Regan’s take on the “You, too” thing, yes? That and “Good luck”?
    If not, here:
    I just go ahead and go straight to the “Take luck” when I’m auto-replying to people in person. It makes everything easier.

  4. One time I was talking to a guy at work (I was his boss) and I wasn’t really paying attention to what he was saying because it was boring and then when we hung up, I said “I love you, bye”.

    I never lived it down.

  5. I just found these and have been reading through them. DYING. The first time I got pulled over by the cops, I was so nervous that as I signed my written warning I spelled my name wrong.

  6. I was at a restaurant and when we ordered the waiter asked if I wanted “super salad” with that. I said yes (who doesn’t want super salad?) He asked again. I said yes. Turns out he was saying “soup or salad.”

  7. I had to stop reading for a bit. I’m laughing so hard I am crying, my stomach hurts and tears are streaming down my face!

    One time, instead of calling my supervisor by his last name, I used his first name and introduced him as “Mr. Rod.”

  8. Here’s mine. (I posted it on facebook too) When we were teenagers, my mom took my brother and I to the chinese restaurant in the mall. She then ordered “Chinken wings” I’m certain they spit in our food.

  9. I almost died reading these. Seriously. I was eating while reading and almost choked on my food. Totally worth it though.

  10. I couldn’t stop watching these tweets night. I haven’t laughed this hard in ages. It’s too hard to pick a favorite, but I really like writer who the forgot “o” in “counting on you” in a company email. If you ever are at a loss for a new blog topic, just ask everyone to submit their awkward moments. This could be a monthly post or something.

  11. This sort of restores my faith in humanity. Maybe I’m not the only klutzy, tongue-tied wonder out there! You people rock. All of you. <3

  12. So much fun! Last night I was seriously dreading going back to work after being on staycation for a week … like major DREAD, with nerves and a stomach ache and all. But reading these on Twitter made my whole night! I laughed ’til I cried, I read them out loud to my husband and I favorited so many. Loved it!

  13. Not enough space in Twitter for this:
    I worked at a Zoo during the summer, and we had to tell customers to keep their hatchbacks and van doors closed when driving through the Safari. A bilingual (English as a second language) co-worker thought that since anyone with hair is called “hairy” then animals with horns would be “horny”. She spent most of the summer telling customers to keep their van doors closed because the horny animals will come into their vans and make such a mess!!

  14. I said it before but ill say it again. I was really struggling last night and then I saw your retweets. I read them all. My tears from feeling broken were eventually turned to tears of laughter and I felt a little lighter. I want to thank every single person. Seriously. Thank you for all being so damn amazing & making a lot of feel less alone.

  15. As a teenager, a classmate of mine thanked me for coming to his Bar Mitzvah. Me: “You’re welcome.” Even at the time, I knew it wasn’t the right thing to say, but I had no idea what I should have said. I just knew, as the words were slipping out of me, that it wasn’t right. That was over 20 years ago and I still cringe whenever I think about it.

  16. I had to stop reading. I was laughing so hard I had an asthma attack. Posts like this should come with a warning to have your inhaler nearby. 🙂

  17. While in line for pizza outside at a summer job, I toldy friend they had ranch (which I knew she loved on pizza) she screamed “BONERS!” She meant bonus…

  18. I had to stop reading after the Rug Munchers tweet, it’s after midnight here and I’m laughing so much I was worried I’d wake my husband, either that or some wierd Mogwi/Gremlin event 🙂

  19. Too long for Twitter: I work for a public agency in the Pacific Northwest. Years ago, I was getting on the elevator and a guy I had a small-talk but no-introductions acquaintance with was already there with two strangers. He smiled and greeted me, and as the doors closed I made a gun with my fingers, pointed it at him, made the ‘pew’ gun noise, and said “Every time I see you I think ‘just shoot me,'” referring to an in-joke involving a time I’d mis-heard his response to my “how are you?” He said “Interesting,” and we rode the rest of the way down in silence, with me worried I’d violated elevator etiquette by talking in front of strangers.

    Two blocks away I stopped dead as it hit me that I had, in fact, shot the wrong man.

    I laughed all the way to my destination, laughed to myself in line, laughed as I walked to Starbucks, and kept laughing until I returned to my building where I saw my victim approaching from the opposite direction. He saw me, then WAITED for me as I couldn’t avoid crossing the street. After I explained why I’d shot him (cursing God for not opening the pit I’d demanded as I drew near), he held out his hand. “[John Doe], City Attorney’s Office.”

    You guys, I died. The worst part was he thought we were friends after that and he was super-nice, but I just wanted to pretend I had never even seen him before, let alone fake shot him. With sound effects. Sound effects! Nearly 20 years later, I still hear that “pew.”

  20. These honestly made my whole day last night! I couldn’t wait for the next one to show up. Haven’t laughed that hard in a long time! Thanks for being so awesome!

  21. I once entered a local aquarium, where we were members. Held out our membership cards to an Asian woman wearing blue vest standing at the door of the members’ entrance. She started laughing, shook her head at me, and walked off. She was not a greeter or an employee of the aquarium at all, just….. a random person standing near the door. Oh, the shame. My only saving grace is that my husband, who was with me, somehow did not see it happen.

  22. I was a teenager hanging out with friends and I wanted to tell my friend his pant leg had ridden up his leg and he should fix it and it came out “Please pull down your pants”. Twenty years ago and it still makes me blush to remember.

  23. Crying and doing the Muttley laugh at my desk. Co-workers not sure what to make of it (I couldn’t wait until 5 PM). . .

  24. Well, that was a long one. Not like the fam needs dinner or anything. 🙂

    Seriously, I live in mortal fear of telling someone “Love you,” after “bye!”

  25. I was doing ok until I got to the “festive lady garden” and then I died… my fiance’ is worried about me and I might have peed a little

  26. I had an absolutely horrible day yesterday, and when I started reading your re-tweets I was laughing so hard I was crying. It was the best way to wrap up my horrible day, thank you!

  27. One time I tried to text my mom my bosses bra size (46J) and accidentally sent it to my boss instead. We live on the other side of the country now.

  28. Oh Jesus! I’ve sprung a rib laughing/crying!!! Thank God no one else is home right now! That gyno/glitter one did me in!

  29. I worked at a Veteranerian’s office and a client came in with a puppy that had a wound they wanted the Dr. to look examine. I asked the normal questions and she mentioned that the area looked like it had a lot of pus in and around it. I wrote in the chart: “…Owner states that area around wound looks pussy”. The Dr. comes up and I can tell that he is trying not to laugh. He puts the chart in front of me and laughingly asks if I want to change anything. I almost died of embarassment right then. He never let me live that down.

  30. Texting a friend, I wanted to say, I need some shut-eye as I was tired. What I typed was Shit-eye. I need some shit-eye. arrrgh.

  31. First time meeting my now-husband’s parents. We’re all playing Monopoly. I get the “Win $50 in a beauty pageant” card and blurt out, “$50, that’s nothing. I won more than that at the wet t-shirt contest!” (which is true, but still.) Husband still brings it up nearly every time the in-laws visit, and we’ve been married 10 years (thanks babe).

  32. job interview today, interviewer: how are you today. me: not too good, i mean bad. (mash up of I am good and not too bad) lol. Got the job anyway

  33. When I was a dental student my patient was admitted to the hospital and died while I was still in the process of completing his denture. His family asked if they could have the unfinished denture for him to be buried with and they told the morgue to hold off from taking his body so I could come place the denture in his mouth before his body was taken to the funeral home. An instructor and I went to the hospital room and placed the denture in the mouth of the very recently deceased man while his grieving family stood awkwardly in the corner of the room. When we were finished they were extremely grateful and thanked us profusely. “Thank you, doctor, thank you,” they said. My response? “Anytime.” I’m still waiting for the next time to come along That they need a dentist for the recently deceased. Hasn’t happened yet.

  34. this isn’t quite the same thing, but sort of-i worked at a phone sex place for a couple of years and we had to answer the phone in a sexy voice, while the first question out of our mouth was “do you have visa or mastercard?”{it was the 80’s}. how sexy is that, eh? for quite awhile after i left that job, i would be speaking in a normal voice, but when i answered the phone, i answered in my “sexy voice”, sometimes also saying, “thank you for calling julie’s”. but twice, i actually asked someone if they had visa or mastercard. the only way i ever lived it down was by losing touch with the people i said that to! it took me a long time to stop lowering my voice every time i answered the phone.

  35. Yes, all of these. All of these. I’ll add one too. I was standing at the counter at an antique store. I stepped aside for an older gentleman so he could pay for something and for some reason I said to the nice, little, old gentleman, “Sorry babe.”

  36. Why didn’t I pay attention to the warning? I read this at work and am quietly sobbing at my desk!

  37. I laughed for hours last night. And kept hitting refresh like it was going out of style to make sure I didn’t miss any.

  38. Just got done reading the tweets. Have to go change my nightgown, because the whole front is wet from crying with laughter. I don’t do Twitter, but I’ll post this one: My husband asked his great-niece (whose mother is Native American) if she wanted to play cowboys and Indians. His nephew’s wife was not amused.

  39. At the airport a stranger came up to me and knew my name. I yelled “How do you know me? Have we fought before?” They ran away.

  40. I was very tired one evening and answered my home phone and it was an obscene phone call and before I could think what to do, hang up or tell him off, my call waiting kicked in and I asked him to hold please! Then I starting laughing with my friend who had called me and told them what I had done! So polite! What an idiot! I did not click back to find out if the obscene rant was still going or not!

  41. bumped into a stranger in a department store. said loudly, “oh my gosh I’m so sorry! I didn’t see you there!” …. to a mannequin. I don’t shop there now.

  42. I showed up late to a party with a bunch of people from school, and there was one person there I didn’t know. In front of everyone, he said, “Hi, I’m Greg, nice to meet you.” And I responded with, “I’m Greg.” Not my name.

  43. Just today I called the vet’s office to set up shots and boarding for my dogs. Vet tech: “What are the dogs’ names.” Me: “Miranda.” I’m Miranda. Must find new vet.

  44. I asked a musician at a house concert if there was tax on her CDs, she said no, and I said, “Oh, right, overseas.” She’s from Alaska. I swear to god I know where Alaska is. None of my friends know why I buy all of her CDs but can never go to a local concert again.

  45. When I was 17 I met my favourite band. The bassist asked me what my name was and I blurted “I BARBEQUE TO YOU!” He just turned around and walked away

  46. Friend comes in and tell us Yitzhak Rabin has been murdered. I indignantly ask what sick SOB would want to kill a handicapped musician. (Itzhak Perlman) They all just stared at me. I still didn’t get it. They had to tell me.

  47. I am laughing so hard I peed a little! My kids think I am crazy! This was so great to read! Nice to know there are others like me out there.

  48. My regular doctor’s office has small “how are we doing?” comment cards sitting on the receptionist’ desk for patients to fill out if they want to. Once, the receptionist asked me to remind her if my name was spelled with a ‘C’ or a ‘K’ (most people assume ‘K’ and I hate it). I was so grateful for that little touch that I filled out a comment card right then and there, raving about how thoughtful she was for paying attention to the correct spelling of my name and how it was a small thing but meant a lot. I proudly handed it back to her, saying “this is to let him know how great you are for asking about my name!”. Once I sat back down, I looked up and that’s when I saw her nametag – it read “Sarah”. I’d written “Sara” at least 3 times on the comment card.

    I love this doctor so I have to re-live this episode every time I go in and see Sarah. She is still so nice to me and neither of us has ever, ever mentioned it.

  49. I’m currently house hunting. I cannot tell you the number of time I have attempted to click and drag to try to make the picture bigger or to see further to one side or the other than the photo actually shows.

  50. I was at a family party when I was about 7-8 years old, not just my family. I was hanging out with a boy and ordered both of us drinks. He declined and walked away. I still cringe when I remember this moment.

  51. I ignored your advice to not read these at work. I’ve had to stop half way through to go find a tissue. Crying at my desk.

  52. Many many years ago in high school I went to Subway. The guy behind the counter asked me “white or wheat”. I replied “white meat” (kind of a combo of white and wheat). He was a large black man. I died a little. He laughed his ass off and told me he couldn’t help me with that. I never went there again.

  53. I wanted to tweet this but since my twitter has business and family, I thought it best not to.
    -I had just started taking a new antidepressant that affected my sex drive, to zero. But wanted to please the fiance so I would “prepare” myself for sex using erotic literature and porn. One night, his parents invited us to dinner at their house. Their wooden chairs have those “leg grooves” which has a bump right in the middle front of the chair. I moved in just the right, but oh so wrong way, while his grandmother was chatting to me about her garden from across the table. I tried to hide it by pretending I was choking on wine…..

  54. When toasting with some friends, I meant to say “L’chaim.” What came out was “Sieg heil…no, wait! Not that!”

  55. Went to the gym last week. Attendant logged me in and then said,”Have a nice workout.” I, of course, replied,”You, too!” Have not returned.

  56. Chatting with the INCREDIBLY HOT veterinarian regarding slowly reducing my dog’s medication, and I inadvertently said “wiener” (wean her) multiple times… before exploding with nervous giggles. I just stood there in his office saying “wiener” over and over and giggling as my face got redder and redder. Can’t ever go back….

  57. I used to work in clinical studies and part of that was sending out a letter to people with the condition we were studying asking if they’d mind helping us out by volunteering as a test subject. Obviously, this is a situation where you want to appear REALLY competent, what with the whole ‘can we peform a minor medical procedure on you?’ factor.
    Let’s say one of our potential volunteers was called Andrew William. In my defence, there was a prominent footballer at the time called William Andrew, but… honestly, I have no defence.
    First, I addressed the letter to Andrew William. William Andrew calls up, understandably aggrieved, but is decent enough to still be willing to participate. Only he has another condition that might make him ineligible. I tell him I’ll check with the head researcher, and get back to him.
    Unfortunately, he is ineligible, and I prepare to call him back. And I do mean ‘prepare’. I practiced saying ‘William Andrew’, repeatedly.
    Dialled his number, he answers and I say, ‘Can I speak to Andrew William, please?’
    ‘William Andrew!”
    I asked if he’d mind if I cut the call so I could die of embarrassment now.

  58. Lord, I even screwed up this comment. His name was Andrew William, I kept calling him William Andrew, and clearly, I still can’t figure the f’kin thing out!

  59. Love these! I had a job interview last week. I think it went well but as I was leaving the panel members said goodbye and I thanked them etc and then… out of my mouth came the words, “Good luck.” WTF?! I added “With the selection process and everything…”


  60. After working at a call center for a while I started answering personal calls with the opening lines of my work script. It was the worst.

    On the other hand, we were taught to end conversations with something the could be replied to with “You too” to avoid these very situations. Best training I’ve ever received in my life.

  61. I was feeling my way through a very dark Halloween maze and grabbed the ‘man bits’ of the costumed employee hiding against the wall. The worst part? It took about thirty seconds and two or three test squeezes for me to figure out why the wall had suddenly gone all warm and squishy.

  62. I just spent the last two hours reading these instead of answering emails. OMG. The punani sandwich is my favorite. But all of these are HILARIOUS!!! Thank you for posting.

  63. While it’s true that I do have a few stories like these, this: “Also, if you don’t laugh in recognition of doing at least a quarter of these yourself you are probably in the wrong place” seriously made me want to cry. I know I’m not part of the community, but reading stuff here has always been great, and lately I just feel more and more alienated. I know, I know, not your problem.

  64. My personal fav that I’m not in the least embarrassed by was when I was trying to sign a card for my retiring principal while talking to someone else. Managed to write “thanks for all the pancakes!”

    One of the ones that is more horrible was accidentally ordering “flied lice” at a Chinese place. I hid in the bathroom any time the waiter came back over to the table.

    That’s the only one I plan to own up to. The others are too horrible to relive, and then I’ll never be able to leave my house again.

  65. I needed a new doorknob but hadn’t brought the old one with me for sizing. I held up my hands in the shape of a circle and said in Spanish “my hole is this big.”

  66. What I learned is that there’s a huge problem in this world with Renegade Panty Liners !!!!

    **Last night was the Best Sunday night ever. Thank you for reminding me that this world, our lives, are ridiculously funny.

  67. One time, I walked up to a blind person at a county fair, because I knew he was friends with some people I was planning to meet there. And I said to him “Have you seen __________?”
    Luckily he had a sense of humor, but I went totally blank, couldn’t think of another way to rephrase the question.

  68. My fav one that makes me laugh is when I tried to sign a card for my retiring principal while talking to someone else. Wrote “Thanks for all your pancakes!”

    A horrible one is when I accidentally ordered “flied lice” at the Chinese restaurant and then had to hide in the bathroom every time the waiter came back to the table.

  69. When I was introduced to a friend’s brother, who is a quadriplegic, I reached out my hand to shake his. And the worst part is that I realized what I was doing half way through the motion and got a horrified look on my face, which could have easily been mistaken for revulsion at touching him instead of the disgust at my own stupidity that it was.

  70. I am crying! My boyfriend and I were driving down the road and there was a lull in conversation. After a full 10 minutes of silence he enthusiastically blurts out “I like sandwiches!” I cracked up, that was 8 years ago, I married him and we still laugh about it.

  71. Working fast food as a teenager and a group of guys come in during the lunch rush. In heavily accented English, they ask for 15 tacos. So I give them the whole spiel about tacos being 2 for 99 cents. They all stare at me confused and then ask for 15 tacos again. So I switch to Spanish and give them the whole spiel again. At this point I am completely flustered so when the guy asks for cincuenta tacos I got my numbers confused and thought he was saying the Spanish word for 15. So of course I decide to be extra helpful and give him the whole 2 for 99 cent spiel again. Halfway through I realize my mistake, turn beet red, call for my assistant manager and race into the back to start making the 50 tacos they had been asking for all along.
    12 years later, this is the thing that haunts me while I’m lying in bed.

  72. Went snorkeling in Maui with mom. I grabbed her hand and we swam side by side pointing out the beautiful fish and sea life. It was a lovely mother-daughter moment. After about 10 minutes, we surfaced. I took off my mask to find that the woman was not my mother!

  73. When my older son was four, I opened up his happy meal to see what toy he got. It was a Toy Story figure. “Look, Jimmy!” I yelled in the middle of McDonald’s. “You got a Woody!”
    Oh. My. God.

  74. in my office we’re supposed to answer the phone with, “[department], this is [name].” my coworker’s then-wife used to call the office all the time; to the point where i knew her phone number. one time i saw her number on the caller id and thought, ‘oh, this is for drew,’ as i answered the phone. the result? i greeted, “mutuels, this is drew,” and proceeded to laugh hysterically at myself.

    she hadn’t been paying attention and hadn’t heard my mistake. so i had to explain it to her. because of course.

  75. Ninja packed for a business trip. Made use of every nook and cranny. A week later I took the boots I’d traveled with in for repair. The shoe guy goes to put in a repair tag and pulls out…a week’s worth of dirty underwear and bras.

  76. I have a twin brother. On our 18th birthday my mom told a co worker, “today is my twins’ 18th birthday” to which her co-worker replied “I didn’t know you had a twin!”

  77. I worked the drive-thru window at McDonald’s in college. More than once I’d pick up the phone at home and say “May I take your order.” 😛

  78. I was in the mountains in Colorado with a group of people and I pointed and yelled at the group to look at the camel thinking it was so exciting that we were seeing a camel. It was a horse mounting another horse. My husband suggested I go get my eyes checked. I sort of forgot that camels don’t live in Colorado.

  79. On a flight to the west coast, I went to the bathroom on the plane, which was located at the FRONT of the cabin. Plane banked, door was not latched fully and fell open. I was sitting peeing. Every eye in the whole cabin,
    row upon row, saw me. I waved and reached up to close the door.
    I had to spend 5 minutes in front of the mirror perfecting my “I’m not embarrassed” face!

  80. on a ‘business’ trip to Vegas I hit it off with a nice couple at a black jack table. We had a great time and the next day I was walking through the casino with a co-worker headed to a meeting when I thought that the gentleman I had met the previous night with his wife was walking towards us! I began waving and as him and his friend came closer I saw that he was confused and that I was mistaken and I blurted out “I’m sorry I thought you were the guy from last night”.ugh

  81. This was the best day of Twitter ever. Not only was it completely hilarious, but now I know I’m not the only one who has attempted to open my mailbox with my car remote.

  82. I routinely…ROUTINELY…hit the button to turn up my car’s radio volume in a futile attempt to get my 6yo to speak louder while telling me stories on the way home from school. And then when I realize what I’m doing I’ll still try it one last time. I’m pretty sure that’s the definition of insanity.

  83. So many of these tweets involve mistaken identity, i.e. walking up to your sister to grab her baby but it wasn’t your sister after all…I have prosopagnosia (inability to recognize people, it’s a brain disorder that can be congenital or caused by stroke/injury) and this happens to me all the time. It’s to the point where I wait for people to talk to me first, so I can be sure they really know me. If you’ve had a lot of mistaken-identity incidents (I’ve also apologized to my own unexpected reflection), check this out as a possibility! The awkward moments keep happening but at least I don’t feel as stupid anymore.

  84. I was cracking up reading these! It reminds me of the time I had to pay the cashier inside the store after pumping gas. He loudly asked me if I “had gas” in front of a lot of people. I tried to quickly correct him that I had GOTTEN gas, but that I did not HAVE gas. The damage was already done though… still cracks me up years later.

  85. I saw on my work phone’s caller ID that co-worker Mark was calling and answered the phone “This is Mark!” He was like “Noooo, THIS is Mark.”

  86. Family friend stopped by her husband’s office and was told he had stepped out. She replied “Don’t give me that, that’s his car parked right there!” Receptionist said “Ma’am, you just drove up in it…”

  87. Fun fact: in Portuguese, “her sister” is “irmã dela” and sounds like “Mandela”. So it was about the second week of my first job ever, and a woman called asking to speak with a coworker, and I asked who she was, and she said it was my coworker’s sister, but I understood “Mandela”, so when I transferred the call I said that a Simone from Mandela City was in line wanting to talk to her. Such city doesn’t exist!! I cracked up alone in my table when I finally got my mistake!

  88. Those tweets fed my soul. The whole thing wasn’t just hilarious but also warm and humane. It made me happy, and that’s no small thing when dealing with Depression. Thank you all.

  89. I called the vet to make sure my kitten was ok from her spay. Imagine my horror when after checking they said that my cat wasn’t there. OMG I dropped her off there just that morn……oh wait……..different vet. Never mind.

  90. Once texted a friend that I wasn’t crazy about zumba…auto correct said that I wasn’t crazy about Zimbabwe…whaaa???

  91. At Walmart with my Mom once, went through the check-out with a full cart, chatting amiably withthe clerk. All done and pushing the cart toward the door, and hear same clerk frantically calling after us. Never paid. . Mom and I both had bright red faces!

  92. I’ve told my blind neighbor “see you later,” approximately seven thousand times. It’s become a joke because then I yell, “I can’t learn, I’m such an idiot!” And she says, “fact.”

  93. I love you all so much! Every time that I think that it is just me, another wonderful Bloggess post appears!

    My daughter and I were at the grocery store, using the self-check out. I scanned all of the items and was getting ready to pay by debit card. The machine told me to scan/insert the card. I just stood there. No idea what I was waiting for. Finally my daughter clears her throat, and I finish the transaction, all mortified. I still don’t know what I was actually waiting for!!!

  94. My parents had a ridiculous amount of Doctors for friends. Once I introduced myself at a party, “Hi, I’m Linda, the junior hostess.” He replied, “Hi, I’m Dr. So and so, your gynecologist.” I died as everyone laughed.

  95. OMG I’m share mine. I was at work recently and asked a coworker if he had a sec. He said sure, he had plenty of time. I very loudly and happily said “Oh good, you have a lot of secs!” in the middle of the office right beside someone on the phone with a customer. Yeah, say that out loud.

  96. My mom flustered a clerk when she mixed up Sally Hansen’s Hard As Nails products with Lee Press-on Nails and asked for the Lee’s Hard-On Nails. She also answered the phone at the hair salon where she worked by saying “Take It From The Top. Can you help me?”

  97. Asked a pregnant coworker how far along she was. Responded with, “But, you’re HUGE!” when she said 5 months. Lucky to still be alive.

  98. I laughed till I cried last night. So glad we all do this stuff. i was at work once and this guy came bounding up the stairs. I recognized him from high school and said hi and we spent a few minutes catching up till I realized I didn’t know him from school – he’s the guy who played “Ross” on “Friends.”

  99. i was having a horrific day & texted my friend “think youre having a bad day? i just shit my pants at the bank” except i sent it to my very conservstive Christian mother in law.

  100. We have a security system at work where you have to swipe your employee ID card in front of a sensor for automatic access into the building itself and into secure areas. I was tired one day and stood in front of the elevator waiving my employee ID in front of the “up” button before a coworker finally saw me and said “You know you actually have to push the button to get the elevator door to open”

  101. My very first job out of high school was working in the box office of a dinner theatre. The phone number had the same area code and exchange as my home number. One night, I called a customer, left a message on their answering machine and hung up. My co-worker turned around and said, “Are you aware you just left your home number on that customer’s message?” I had to call back and say please don’t call the first number, please call back at the correct one.

    Fast foreward 20 years, and my toddler poops the bath before we went to the grocery store. While I’m in line, the man behind us starts chatting up my son. When we leave, he calls, “Don’t spit in the wind! Don’t take any wooden nickels!” And my angel yells, at the decibel level of a jet plane, “Don’t make yucky in the bath tub!” I now know what the grocery store sounds like when everyone stops what they are doing and stares at you. . .

  102. Once apologized to my gynecologist during my exam for not shaving. I meant my legs.

  103. Here’s mine…. was at the OBGYN for a checkup. It was spring and everything was blossoming, we chitchatted for a moment about how lovely the weather had been. He starts the exam and my mind is still on the weather, and I say, “Everything’s so green!” I was talking about trees, he thought I was talking about vaginal discharge. He laughed his head off right in front of my vagina for 30 straight seconds.

  104. While dating a new guy he walked into the room and said, “Mmm, it smells like blueberries.” and asked if he could have some. I had to tell him that I’d just farted, after eating an obscene amount of blueberries earlier in the day.

  105. When I was a nursing student doing clinical on an oncology unit I once told a chemo patient “I’ll finish this really quick and get out of your hair”. Realized what I had just said and nearly died of embarrassment on the spot.

  106. Had another moment today. While on break, skimming through social media, I noticed that so many of my friends are excited for Christmas music now that it’s November. I work retail, so 8 hours of Christmas music everyday for 2 months straight for the past 15 years is more than I can handle. So I yell, very loudly, “FUCK YOU AND YOUR CHRISTMAS MUSIC!” I didn’t realize the manager was in the office doing a phone interview. Oops.

  107. As a long distance operator, we sometimes were extremely busy and were under a lot of pressure before direct dialing. Long day, got home, I answered home phone very properly “operator”. The person calling said Oh, I’m sorry I was calling my friend. I was the friend.

  108. Took my elderly grandmother who is hard of hearing to a large retail store to replace her ancient foot massager. She kept yelling “where’s your vibrators!”

  109. I once had my boss offer me a couple of leftover unsold tickets to an event we were holding. I thanked her and took one.
    She said, “Oh, take both! That way you can…bring…”
    And I visibly saw her shift gears as she suddenly realized I did not have a significant other to bring with me, so in the moment she substituted the only other person she’d seen pop in to say hi to me at work and, with, a wild, quietly desperate look in her eye as she realized the trainwreck of what she was saying, slowly and carefully finished off with “YOOOOOOOOOUR MOOOOOOOOOOM.”
    And then hurried off.

  110. So many of you wonderful people feel bad about things I do so often they don’t even ping my radar. My sense of embarrassment chewed its own arm off and fled years ago.

  111. Halloween night — Trick-or-Treaters: Trick or Treat! Me: Trick or Treat! (I kept wanting to say it back to them)

  112. I forgot to share mine! Took some time off work to meet a repair guy so he could come in and look at fixing my wall heater. Drove into my driveway and a ridiculously handsome guy was waiting on my porch. Got an eyeful of that, got out of the car and walked up to the house to let him in, car still running. He says “don’t you need your keys to open the door?” Oh yes, haha, silly me… walk back to the car, turn it off, and shut the door, locking the keys inside. Froze there for a good minute trying to figure out how to deal. Mr. Gorgeous walks up and says “only set of keys?” and I said “yes and they’re the ones that start my house, too!”

  113. Boss’s wife brings in their new baby to show him off in the office, I’m holding the little guy and ask my boss “Can I have your baby?” I don’t know which one of us was more embarrased!!

  114. @kdcol THIS.

    And there just needs to be a better response to “Happy Birthday” than just plain old ‘thank you,’ which just feels…not the right words to be pulling out, for some reason. It’s just…like…okay, it’s my birthday, but I wanna wish you happiness, too! I wanna share it with you. Which is why the response ‘Happy Birthday!’ always comes out of my mouth…because I want them to have the happy birthday, too, I guess. And ‘thank you!’ just feels even more awkward and not enough, somehow.

  115. I have a really difficult time remembering names. ANYONE’s name. Which has led me to say on multiple occasions, while answering the phone: “Good afternoon, [X] Corporation, this is…uh, someone. Anyway, how may I help you?”

  116. While waitressing at one point in my life I told a table full of people to “go to hell”. I meant to say, go help yourself to the buffet. It was a long day! But they did manage to give me a good tip…Stop waitressing!

  117. My husband worked in the kitchen at a pancake breakfast fundraiser for our daughter’s senior class. Afterward there were several boxes of pancake mix left over, and the volunteers were told they could take them home. My husband declined, so a mom who had also helped in the kitchen took home two boxes, saying her family would definitely use them.

    A few weeks later we were at an open house showcasing the kids’ Senior Projects, when my husband suddenly came up to me and said in a panicked voice, “We need to leave. NOW.” I followed him out to the car asking what had happened.

    Turned out he’d seen the mom who’d helped at the pancake breakfast and, by way of greeting, exclaimed, “Betcha been eatin’ a lot of pancakes!”

    She looked at him blankly, and it dawned on him that the woman he’d thusly greeted was not, in fact, the mom from the pancake breakfast. She was, however, our daughter’s history teacher.

    He’d been married long enough to know that no woman would consider “Betcha been eatin’ a lot of pancakes!” to be a compliment. Hence the hasty retreat.

    Fortunately our daughter graduated shortly thereafter and he never saw the teacher again. He sure does love to tell the story, though.

  118. These are all so stinkin’ funny! I have serious anxiety when it comes to saying the wrong thing and am notorious for writing things I hear or saying things I am writing if I am trying to multitask. I moved to southwestern New Mexico two years ago and coming home from the two largest, closest cities, you have to drive through Border Patrol check points. My husband always drove when we would go through them. They always ask, “are you a US citizen?” And he always says “yes.” My first time driving through the checkpoint I was very nervous and practicing saying yes all the way to the front of the line. I get to the front and the agent says, “Country of origin?” “Yes! Umm, US. United States. I am a citizen. I’m so sorry.” Husband does not let me live it down. Still!

  119. Hubby: what do you call those people who explore caves? Kerplunkers?
    Me: if they’re extra clumsy.

  120. I just spent over 2 hours reading every single one of these posts and laughing HYSTERICALLY. Thank you for making my entire day!!!

  121. I can’t forget this, but when I was in jr. High, I used to have a huge crush on the guy I walked to school with. He was telling some amazing story and I was trying to say “gosh” and ” dude” at the same time and yelled “douche” instead. Cue mortified preteen.

  122. I have so many.

    In 9th grade, I was eating a lollipop looking at the cute boy in my class when all of a sudden I lost control of my mouth somehow and drooled a giant blob of spit down my shirt, just as he looked over at me, finally. He laughed. Heartily.

    My boyfriend in high school was from Panama and his mother had a very thick accent. I could never understood what she said so I had resigned myself to just smiling and nodding. “Yes, hehe” btw, is not the right answer to “when do you need to be home by?”

    My first day of class in college, I was messing with my pen’s clip and managed to launch it across the room where it landed at my professor’s feet. Had to run to the front of the class from the second to last row to go pick it up because I had no other pens with me.

    My second date with my now husband, we were watching a movie and he had his arm around me, holding my left hand up by my shoulder. I was at that moment incubating a really horrific flu, and as my nose started to tickle, I panicked, and tried to pull my hand free to cover my mouth, but he didn’t let go and I ended up sneezing a nose full of snot into his palm. And he still married me, for some reason.

    All of these cases, of course were followed by trying to stifle random outbursts of hilarious laughter by me, while still in the situation, making it all the more awkward as I giggled uncontrollably drawing more attention to myself.

  123. A friend’s husband was helping me with some cub scout stuff and when he was done I told him, “Thanks for everything, Dear, love you”. I turned six shades of red.

  124. Hubby and I were grocery shopping on base one day when he wandered off. Saw him up ahead and walked up, slapped him on the ass. Was not the hubby…Damn those Army uniforms.

  125. I was standing in line at a supermarket deli counter, far from the Italian neighborhood where I grew up in Philly. I was looking down at my phone and half paying attention. The next lady in line ordered a half pound of Capicola. I unconsciously blurted out Gabagool, which is how it is pronounced if you are Italian or grew up with them. If you pronounced it wrong back then, you got corrected right away. I am in soccer mom suburbia where I might have just as well shouted out in Swahili. I know everyone is staring at me. I deftly raise my phone to my ear and say, “Oh, hey. I’m glad I got a hold of you. About tonight…”, and I calmly walk away from the line. I was talking to the dial tone. I went back a half hour later and the counter lady started laughing and told me, “It was great. They were all so stunned no one said a word.” I really enjoy your writing.

  126. My husband rented the movie Cellular. I was walking up the stairs first and he was jabbering on about the movies he rented, I was so tired I thought he was telling me I had Cellulite. He said the look on my face made him fear for his life.

    My son once sent a text to his friend. “I am dry. I get dick from a bug. I can come over tomorrow to play with you.” He meant I am sry and I got sick from a bug. They play Xbox together.

    My youngest daughter, looked like a Cabbage Patch baby, ran out to her MeMe’s car so excited because we got a dog. Our first English Bull Terrier (Think brindle Target dog). She said “MeMe MeMe did you hear we got a dog! We got a dog!” MeMe said “Yes, I heard you got a dog, her name is Fancy:. My beautiful little angel said “Yep! She’s a short, fat dog just like my mom”.

    My oldest daughter is known for being a jabberbox, she could out talk anyone! Her daddy asked her to be quiet for just 5 minutes. She replied “I can’t. To be quiet is to die.”

    I’ve been known to tell strangers I love them. I work in a call center so I have heard it all! I still love the job.

  127. I love you all.
    I told my friend and his siblings that “I wouldn’t have missed it” when they thanked me for coming to their mom’s funeral. jeez

  128. I HAVE SO MANY GOOD ONES! Wait, that’s not really something to brag about, is it?

    Ordered food, pulled around and paid, got my change, and drove away without my food.
    Kept yelling at the CVS drive-through guy that the speaker or the phone wasn’t working and I couldn’t hear him. Motioning with my hand to my ear, mouthing “I CAN’T HEAR YOU.” About the time I’m getting pissed off, I realized my fucking window wasn’t rolled down.
    Back in high school when I didn’t care about the environment, while driving to a friend’s house who lived out in the country, I tried to throw my can of Mt. Dew out of the window and it bounced back and hit me in the face. Again, window not rolled down.
    Once while being REALLY drunk and talking about some guys who had offered my friend and I to go home with him and smoke pot, I said something about those guys being big “Smot Pokers.” We laughed until we cried.
    In our old house when I couldn’t park in the garage and had to go to the front door and unlock it to go in the house, several times i would point my car keys at the front door and press the button to unlock it before I realized what I was doing.
    Once I had a bowl in one hand and a cup of water in my other hand. I meant to throw the left-over water in the sink and set the bowl down. Instead I threw the bowl in the sink and broke it.
    Once I was thinking about getting some water out of the water thing in the refridgerater door and also thinking about changing the thermostat. i walked to the thermostat and put my cup under it.
    On an iVillage message board for pregnant women I used to be on before Facebook, abbreviations were DH, DS, DD, for dear husband, dear daughter, dear son. Don’t know why, but it was. Once while talking to someone, I said, “My DH blah blah blah.” Didn’t realize what i did until they asked me what a DH was.
    Once while typing out all the idiotic things I’ve done, I felt really stupid afterwards. And I keep thinking of them….

  129. So I was rushing to finish Christmas shopping and stumped on what to get for my husband. I am in Lowe’s and a very nice older man who works there asks if he could help me find anything. My response, “If you were a man, what would you want for Christmas?”. Facepalm! He still gives me dirty looks when I go in the tool section with my husband (who I still never told about this little incident).

  130. My sister’s unwell co-worker texted her, asking if she should go to the urgent care right away or wait until after the department’s weekly conference call later in the day. My sister texted her, “Go nude.”
    Now. Go now.

  131. In 9th grade English we were reading part of the Odyssey aloud in class, and when it was my turn to read (the part about the Cyclops) I said “Who is slaying me? Norman is slaying me” and everyone (including Diane, the girl I had a crush on) started laughing really hard. The teacher, who was laughing just as hard as the kids, finally corrected me “No man is slaying me…”

  132. My sister’s unwell co-worker texted her, asking if she should go to the urgent care right away or wait until after the department’s weekly conference call later in the day. My sister texted her, “Go nude.” (Now. Go now.)

  133. You had me at, “Enjoy the funeral…”

    So, I was home form college, visiting the Church I attended my whole life. Zoned out during a LOOONG prayer (the kind where they bless the men who built the freeways that take us home to our loved ones). Forgot I wasn’t in a lecture hall. Clapped when he said, “Amen.” Yup. Prodigal child…

  134. my mom’s burial section is called St.Joseph of Arimathea. my sister sent a text that autocorrected it to St. Joseph of Aromatherapy!

  135. In high school, I was great friends with a guy. Just friends and nothing else. Another friend was telling me that the guy was nervous b/c his girlfriend was late and worried she might be pregnant. My response “Wow…Jeremy has a penis” Friend responded “Yes, Jeremy does. He is a boy” Later, Jeremy told me he heard and confirmed he did have a penis.

    It couldn’t been too horrible. Jeremy and I have been married 15 years.

  136. If I’d seen this earlier I would have contributed my story: saying goodbye to a woman I’d just met earlier that day. She leaned towards me with an arm extended so I thought she was going in for a hug. Nope. She was leaning around me to open the door for me. Too late. I was already hugging her.

    I never had to see her again; thank heaven for small mercies.

  137. I cackled like a loon reading these last night! So awesome!

    My (one-of-many) embarrassing story: I was on an extra credit field trip for a biology class. Walking across the parking lot towards the gate I see my professor coming in my direction. He sees me and throws his arms wide open. Huh, a bit weird, but whatever…so I gave him a big hug. Turns out he was greeting his fiancée who (unbeknownst to me) was behind me. #mortified

  138. Once panicked at the park because I couldn’t find my son. Frantically asked my friends if they had seen him. Realized, after they gave me some very strange looks, that I was holding him!!!

  139. The time I saw the cute little earring my boyfriend’s roommate was wearing, pointed at his head and brightly exclaimed “I like your little stud, I have one just like it!”

  140. I was a little annoyed that my phone was blowing up all evening with Bloggess tweets while I was too busy to see what was going on. I’m so glad I checked today. Now the worst part was trying to not die of an aneurysm while choking down the laughter so I don’t wake my sleeping son.

    I’ve got a few, but here’s the one I’ll share: When I was a kid we had these weird condensed encyclopedias that we used for school papers and such (I’m old, there was no internet). I remember once seeing an entry about shrews with a hand-drawn picture. Cut to my 20s, living on a tropical island, hanging out at my parents’ house for cocktails and sunset and a shrew runs through the carport. I mentioned that they’re so weird because their eyes are both on the same side of their heads.

    Their eyes are not on the same side of their heads, as the picture in my childhood pseudo-encyclopedia made me believe. As my mom pointed out, “they would just run in circles all the time!” That was after she picked herself up off the floor and stopped crying from laughter. My step-dad never managed to get any words out. 20 years later I still haven’t lived that one down.

    She bought us the stupid books!!

  141. Here’s my awkward moment. I was 19, and in physical therapy after back surgery. Therapist is a cute young guy named Paul. I bought a Swiss ball to do therapy at home. It was blue, so I named it Buford the Big Blue Ball. Telling Paul about this, I then ask: “Do you name your balls too?” I wanted to DIE

  142. Was maybe 12, on a family summer vacation through New Mexico and Arizona. I was super excited about having seen some old pueblo dwellings and learning (very toursty versions) of Indigenous mythology. I went to talk about “my favorite, the flute player with the weird name … koko…. koko something…. Oh, right, Kokopenis!” (Of course, I meant ‘Kokopeli’)

  143. I had to stop reading these before I hurt myself. Laughed the dog off the couch into a headache . Me, not the dog.

    I’ve introduced myself as my younger sister twice. Right after I had introduced her, correctly.

    Luckily, I’ve had so much practice being stukwid that it totally didn’t phase the people there who knew me. Which kinda made the other people even more afraid.

    Thank you so much for sharing. I’ll laugh myself half-to-death later! 😀

  144. My awkward moment:
    I once sat on my college roommate’s bed to ask her about homework or talk or something
    bed starts shaking
    there had been some mild quakes in the area recently so I FREAKED out and yelled “earthquake” clutching the sheets
    it was her vibrator

  145. Associate Director is discussing her Myers-Briggs incompatibility with her husband. Tells the whole office that her husband’s P-ness drives her crazy.

  146. A sweet older woman at work is talking to a very proper male co-worker, recommending peppermint oil to treat his headache. She meant to tell him to rub a little bit on his temples. “Temples” came out “nipples”.

  147. Ok, So I’m way late to the party but anywho….I once worked in a shoe store and a few times a year a lady with one leg used to come in. I used to hide out the back in the warehouse because I couldn’t trust myself not to say “did you want to try the other one?”

  148. Once, at dinner with a friend, I was trying to order the six ounce salmon… totally told the dude taking my order that I wanted his “six inch salmon”. NO ONE will let me forget it!

  149. Thank you, everyone, so much for this. It’s made facing the day so much easier than it would have been otherwise.

  150. I once shaved my brother’s hair (at his request) leaving a strip of curly hair down the middle for a mohawk which I dyed bright green. My brother then agreed to come by the store where I work and show my coworkers his new hairdo. The next day at work, I came out of our stockroom and saw my brother in the next aisle with his back to me so I snuck up behind him and started tickling him…. only it wasn’t him! It was ANOTHER guy with the same curly green mohawk – I was so shocked it took me a few moments before I started to explain that I had confused him with someone else. He was not convinced and neither was his girlfriend. I hurried back to the stockroom and waited for them to leave.

  151. I was at a college admissions interview. The interview went very well. Afterwards, the (very attractive) admissions counselor walks me back out to the lobby, where he tells my waiting family that I am “very engaging.” My little sister (who was 12 at the time) yells, “YOU GOT ENGAGED????”

    I didn’t end up going to that school.

  152. Boss at work study job was talking about a friend’s dad who had died and how he had been super healthy and there was absolutely nothing wrong with him. Without thinking I said “except he’s dead.” Then realized what I said and immediately clapped my hands over my mouth as though that would unsay it.

  153. Boss at work study job was talking about a friend’s dad who had died and how he had been super healthy and there was absolutely nothing wrong with him. Without thinking I said “except he’s dead.” Then realized what I said and immediately clapped my hands over my mouth as though that would unsay it.

  154. this is being bookmarked. oh god this is the most amazing thing on the internet right now. i have cramps and cant breathe from laughing!!
    when i was pregnant, id just finished a prenatal appointment and was booking another one, husband standing right next to me, and the receptionist gave me a choice of 2 dates, a tuesday or a thursday. i said “not tuesday, i feel like something is happening that day but i dont know what.” my husband had to tell me TUESDAY WAS MY BIRTHDAY.
    baby brain is a real thing you guys.

  155. I thought of my most mortifying one,
    Asked my Boss if she was closing up with me, she said no, I wanted to congratulate her on going home early… Instead said “That’s great!” She stared. I stammered. “For YOU. Great for YOU, to be going home now.”

    Another time my Husband started getting weird texts in code, talking about sending a ‘pickup’ or ‘a drop off’, after getting VERY concerned that we were getting included in some kind of drug ring. He texted back, “I don’t think you meant to send this to me.”
    It was my Aunt, who was trying to text the deliveries guy at her office, who has the same name as my Hubby.

    Then there was my BIL’s wedding, my Husband stands to make his toast, he was going to go ‘off the cuff’ or ‘freestyle’, but what he said was, “I’m just going to free ball it here…”

  156. While perusing the selection of hot foods at grocery store during lunch break, deli lady asks me how can she help me? To which…. I say in a very disappointed tone “Ya don’t have any breasts!” Before I could add “CHICKEN.. I mean CHICKEN BREASTS” she looks down at her (indeed) flat chest and said “I know.” I laughed at myself on and off for HOURS back at work at the DMV 🙂

  157. Once, I Was awkwardly trying to make conversation with my boss. I was talking about an American Idol contestant who’d made it through several rounds despite a lisp. “I don’t get it. He can’t possibly win! I mean, he’s got a lisp!” Boss had giant lisp. SMH.

  158. In a conversation with male friends, I once referred to Brad Pitt as Brad Dick. Never been able to live that one down.
    Also once answered phone call at work (with customer I didn’t know) “Hi it’s…..ME!”. Had completely forgotten my name.

  159. OH. I forgot another one… This was just life being cruelly ironic.

    Driving in my BRAND NEW CAR with my Husband, a deer steps onto the shoulder and startles me.
    “Oh my god. I’m SO GLAD I missed him. Can you imagine how much it would SUCK to hit a DEER?”
    Two seconds later I hit the SECOND deer as it ran across the street. facepalm

  160. I once forgot my phone # for 3 days. Also, had pest control guy take 3 dead rats out if oven to dispose. They were puffed up syrup from baked sweet potatoes. I also once looked for my phone while I was talking on it, but don’t feel bad about it anymore since hearing others have done it.

  161. I visited Taiwan a couple of years ago. Being almost completely illiterate in Mandarin, I thought the salesgirl was greeting me “Morning!” when I entered the store. I cheerfully said “Morning!” back to her, only to be met with a confused expression.

    Turns out, I misheard her saying “Huān yíng (欢迎)!”, which means Welcome. I had basically welcomed the salesgirl to her own store.

    To make it worse, this happened during the evening, so I don’t even know why my brain decided that it was perfectly fine to wish someone good morning then. facepalm

  162. I saw your post on my wordpress feed and then a few mins later i saw a post about this twitter madness on Buzzfeed!!
    My fav was the “look, HORSE KITTENS”….. Wife understood!!! wiping tears

  163. At the grocery store with my husband. Once I have all of our items paid for, he decides he would like to buy a can of cashews. I wait while the cashier checks him. Once he has paid for his purchase and being the friendly bloke that he is, he stays there carrying on a conversation with the cashier. Knowing that we are late for an engagement, I impatiently yell out to him…”Dave…hurry up! Grab your nuts and let’s go!”. Everyone heard and I died a little that day.

  164. Customer: Have a blessed day.
    Me: Oh, no way! (I still can’t think of what I thought I heard.) She still tells me every day to have a blessed day.

  165. LMAO, thank you for sharing! And by gawd you have a ton of loyal awkward followers!! 😉

  166. I nearly hugged my therapist. She was reaching past me to open the lock on the office door and it looked like she was reaching out for a hug. I was nearly too embarrassed to go back for the therapy I clearly needed.

  167. I was watching Wheel of Fortune w/my husband & 16 year old. At the end, Vanna’s feet were tired so Pat was gonna rub her feet. I said loudly, “Gross! Pat is rubbing Vanna’s camel toe!” when I meant to say “hammer toe”.

  168. Watching Wheel of Fortune w/my husband & 16 yr old daughter. Vanna’s feet are tired and Pat goes to massage her feet. I say loudly “Gross! Pat is rubbing Vanna’s camel toe!” instead of saying “hammer toes”. Gosh I’m an embarrassment.

  169. I am 1 week out from stomach surgery and I have laughed so hard over the past 2 hours of reading these that I have woke husband up the times and starting to think I busted a couple internal stitches! Thank you everyone for the amazing laughs!

  170. Thank you so much for sharing your awkward experience resuting in the confessions of all this hilarious situations!
    Really have to save them, I will never be embarassed any more!

  171. The dental assistant reached over me to clasp a paper bib around my neck. I thought she was giving me a hug so I hugged her back.

  172. My bosses boss was giving out our annual bonus checks a few years ago. He handed me my check and then held out his hand palm up. In my mind he was asking for the check back so I high fived him… he was actually wanting to shake hands. Ooops!

  173. So delighted with the stories and will share my own next. but I especially wanted to thank Cynthia Decker for her comment, “My sense of embarrassment chewed its own arm off and fled years ago.” Not only can I relate, it totally made me laugh.

  174. I missed the twitter exchange, which gives me plenty of room to type.
    I use the voice text feature on the phone A LOT. It is handy when walking the dog, or sending really long messages to my mom or sister. As you know when using that feature you have to speak your punctuation….Forward to me leaving a voicemail for my boss. Yep…at the end of a sentence I said; “Period, no question mark, I mean no..” Laughed, explained my mistake…and did it again. I hung up.
    She called back laughing, and told me she will never delete it because it was the funniest thing she had heard.

  175. When I was newly dating my ex-husband (uh, got that?), we had this joke where when one of us asked for something, the other would respond with an inappropriately cheerful, “Knock yourself out!” The backstory of that joke is basically that we had once discussed how weird that saying is, and how it’s literally wishing harm on someone for making a simple request, ha ha ha so funny.

    Anyway, one night near Halloween I had a bag of candy corn in the car and my ex asked for some. Without missing a beat I boomed, “SURE, KILL YOURSELF,” froze like a deer, and then fled the car.

  176. My friend’s mother, visiting from India, made us a beautiful lunch. At some point she asked me “How is your husband?” and I answered “Delicious!” Now I can’t go to India.

  177. In fifth grade, the whole class was standing in line, ready to go to recess. My family was always rather touchy-feely, so as my teacher walked past me, I naturally just swatted him on the rear. There was just a lot of horrified “did that really happen?” eye contact before he moved on without comment.

    = = = = = = = =

    My sister and I were both receptionists at a medical clinic several years ago. During an unexpected lag in calls, we were talking with the other gals in the office about some of the funniest miscommunications we’d experienced on the phone, and I complained that people always called me “Daisy” (my name is actually “Staci”). The telephone rang and my sister picked it up and said, “[Clinic name], this is Daisy. I mean Staci. I mean, I’m actually her sister, Erin!” The rest of us were dying laughing, and gleefully pointed out that the person on the phone wouldn’t have known or cared if she just left it at Daisy.

    = = = = = = = =

    My friends and I were watching movies late in the night. When it was time to go home, a couple of us went outside and discovered it had actually snowed a couple of inches. I was wearing slip-on sandals and thought, “Leave it to me to not have sensible shoes.” I took one step, slipped and fell, and one of my shoes went sledding away from me into a small snowdrift… all as I literally sang, “Sensible shoes!” like it was the closing phrase of an operetta. My friend was laughing too hard to help me up.

  178. Sometime last month I was getting treats for my dog at the pet store. After I made my purchase I turn to walk out and pet store guy calls out “Good-bye!” and I reply, “Thanks!” and then walked very briskly out of the store unsure of whether I should laugh or find a new place to buy the dog’s treats.

  179. I lost my husband at a large cocktail party. After some searching, I found him half in tears hiding on the sidewalk outside. Apparently he had swept up behind a woman and playfully grabbed her buttocks in both hands. As he went for the neck kiss with a growl, she turned and it was a stranger. Not knowing what to do…he’d literally run away without a word.

    He pointed her out. Indeed she was my height and weight, same tiny waist and wide hips, nearly identical black cocktail dress, same straight length waist hair blunt cut at the waist in the same color.

    I had to take him to her by the hand like a toddler and say… I’m sorry. This is my husband. I came over to introduce myself so you could see for yourself that we look virtually identical from behind and he can come back inside. Otherwise he’s going to hide in the bushes all night.

  180. During a romantic evening out with my husband, he looked up, got my attention and said, “Honey, look at the moon!” I answered, “Which moon?”

  181. All the “Now we have to move” and “I can never go back” statements make me sad. If someone dropped some of these wildly inappropriate replies on me I’d be tempted to hug them, although that would be even more inappropriate.

    Maybe it would be enough to say “You do that? ME TOO!”

  182. I once paid for my drive through food, pulled forward to the garbage can and, meaning to throw out some car garbage, threw out my just purchased food. Drove away, stayed hungry.

  183. Talking to extended family about college friend’s boyfriend (who annoyed me). Meant to say “He has all the best intentions” + “His heart is in the right place” = “He has everything in the right place.” :blink, blink:

  184. I once ran up behind my sister (whom I joke around with all the time) in a parking lot and spanked her ass, saying, “Move along, big butt!” Some strange woman whirled around and stared at me, mouth agape. She was not my sister. I shouted much too loudly “OHI’MSORRYITHOUGHTYOUWERESOMEONEELSE!” and ran away. My sister was a few feet away, shaking her head slowly.

  185. I worked in a mental health center for a couple of years. There was an illiterate that worked at the front desk. When a patient was being discharged from the facility she would tell them, “have a nice discharge.”

  186. Oh Jenny! You make me laugh and cry and feel like you have been peaking into my brain (except for the taxidermy stuff, that’s just creepy and maybe you should see someone about that!). These screen shots were so funny and so unsettling familiar that I laughed until I scared the dog and had a stomach ache. You should charge for this therapy that you share with us!

  187. Once left a Kmart when I was in High School, got into my blue Bonneville in the parking lot and said out loud to myself, “who the f*** moved my seat all the way forward?!” followed by “Who the f*** put all of this kids s*** in my car?!” I got out of the car to look at the bumper. I yelled “what the f***?!” again loudly because I thought someone stole my band stickers too. As I backed away from the car I finally saw MY ACTUAL car on the other side of a large van two spots over. I panicked and sped out of the parking lot from embarrassment.

  188. OHmygosh, I am DYING at work right now. I couldn’t resist reading this and there are tears down my face, too! This is so funny and lovely and wonderful. What I love about it the most is reading many people making the same gaffs. See, we’re all the same!

  189. just re-read these and now I need to reapply eyeliner. Thank you, tribe – much better than coffee for a pick-me-up!!!

  190. As a joke I took a picture of my dog hunched over taking a giant crap. Meant to text the pic (without comment) to my sister, but ended up sending it to someone I hadn’t spoken to in 8 years.

  191. Guy at my Husband’s old job was arrested for sexually assaulting people on the train. Another co worker bumped into this guy downtown and couldn’t avoid saying hi.
    Her: “So…what are you in town for…?”
    Him: ….my court date…
    Her (shitshitshitshit) “Oh!” (SHITSHITSHITSHIT) “So! you take the train in…??”
    Him: ….no…not allowed on it…

  192. In an attempt to reply “They don’t pay you enough” to my unavailable crush’s work-related lament, my phone autocorrected to “They don’t lay you enough”! Ohmyword!

  193. I laughed so hard last night while I was reading these that I scared the cat and he ran outside.

  194. The first week on the job I was looking for something in a cupboard, but I couldn’t find it. It was right in front, and I was looking passed it. My boss came up to me, obviously irritated (then again, she was ALWAYS irritated with me, she didn’t like me), pointed out the thing, and said, “It’s right there!” I apologized and said, “I’m so blind!” She was blind in one eye after having had a stroke. I turned beet red and just wanted to hide!

  195. Once, my dad and I were discussing what the song “Afternoon Delight” was really about (he was clueless and put it as the backdrop to a video of all his grand-kids playing in the sunshine… awkward enough, but it gets worse) so I google the lyrics, copy and paste into an email. No subject line, no explanation, just the lyrics. While speedily typing his email address I inadvertently sent it to my Aunt’s new husband instead. They had just moved to our city and we were all spending a lot of time together so it was extra-awkward.

  196. You people almost woke my baby up. I had to call in all my reserves of self-restraint to laugh silently, and it HURT!

    My second-worst memory: I was at my dad’s physics department Christmas party, and the grad students were asking if I’d ever had a crush on any of the professors. I said of course not – and then LOUDLY corrected myself, “No! Wait! [Hot professor]! I would TOTALLY DO [hot professor].” He was standing right behind me. One foot away.

  197. Sometimes a friend will say “Give my love to Randy and the boys” as we’re leaving. There’s always an awkward pause as I try and quickly remember who her family members are (even though I know them well). My brain freezes. Instead I say something stupid like, “You too,” every time. She must think I’m nuts.

  198. I once accidentally farted above a vent in the floor and realized my then-roommate was sitting directly below downstairs. He looked sharply up at the ceiling and I tried to dart away inconspicuously. It’s been 4 years and I still hope I never see him again.

  199. Sat through a job interview with the middle of my blouse gaping open. Noticed when I got back in my car and sat down. Fuck.

  200. I once said that my MIL would be early for her own funeral (she’s a chronically early person) – she’s battling cancer. Yeah. I almost burst into tears when I said it – everyone else played it cool, so I’m going to pretend they didn’t hear me.

  201. A good friend’s boyfriend committed suicide. I said, “It could be worse.” How on earth I ever thought that was the right thing to say is beyond me.

  202. My uncle would routinely say “HI, this is my wife, Betty” introducing my aunt to me. He was also my godfather and knew me since birth. He married Betty a few years later, so she’s known me almost as long. He said this to me almost every time I saw him, until he passed a few years ago. I’m now in my 60s and this still cracks me up.

    As for me, most of the time when I’m leaving I say “People to do, things to be.” It pretty much doesn’t matter where I am or who I’m with.

  203. My husband is a geneticist and works with cattle. Once when he was at a conference he started telling everyone he was looking for the “porn holed gene” and kept saying “porn holed” over and over. He meant to say Horned/polled (so if a cow has horns or not). When he came back he told me the story but said, “Don’t worry, I covered my ass because earlier we were talking about dyslexia and so I told them this was just my form of dyslexia coming out.” When I ran into one of his co-workers later she asked if he told me about his porn-holed gaff. I said yeah, and told her I was mortified that he said that was his form of dyslexia (knowing she was dyslexic). She just laughed and said, oh no. He told everyone he was Autistic, not Dyslexic. And I married him…

  204. Oh there was that one time a guy came to pick up his 3 dogs from the salon and I cheerfully called out “So you’re here for the threesome?”

  205. As for my own story. I moved to Ireland a couple of years ago from the US and whenever we’d go somewhere I’d ask people if “they need a ride.” They would snicker and politely decline. One day I asked a friend what was so funny and she explained that asking someone for a ride was slang asking if they wanted to have sex. So I’d been running around the country propositioning people for months before someone let me into the loop.

  206. I was responding to my sister’s text about how her whole family was sick. Couldn’t understand why she texted me the tiger emoji followed by question marks. sat there completely puzzled trying to understand what a tiger had to do with the conversation until I realized my response of “That sucks!” got autocorrected to “Tiger dicks!”. Definitely peed my pants while wheeze-laughing hysterically.

  207. The other day, I accidentally walked away with someone elses cart at Walmart..

    that had someone elses toddler in it.

    So fail.

  208. Worst ever: meeting new hubby’s family and I see someone has crutches propped up against the wall. I ask “who’s the gimp?”…thinking someone twisted an ankle skiing or something similar. A guy with ONE leg swivels the chair in front of me and says, “That would be me!”….and after profusely apologizing I had to stay with these folks for a whole day…hubby still brings it up!

  209. Oh! I have another – when a group of my co-workers & I were talking about how a (male) co-worker types (with him in the conversation) I said “he’s a hunt and pecker”. I blushed DEEP red and turned around QUICKLY. Everyone laughed at me and I wanted to DIE.

  210. @Risa G
    You reminded me of something that happened when I was in physical therapy earlier this year.
    My therapist was working with me when another therapist comes out asking for a ball. So my therapist asks “which one”. The other therapist says “the blue one”. And then my therapist loudly announces “we have a lot of blue balls here!” I almost choked to death trying not to laugh.

  211. At a friend’s funeral.
    Husband of friend walks up to me before the service, takes my hand and thanks me for coming.
    I reply with “Happy to be here”.

  212. OMG this is just what I needed this morning. My husband and I went to vote this morning and the nice lady pointing to my name in the voting registration book said, “Number two right here.” Ummm, ok thats an odd thing to do. So I wrote “2” next to my name. Not seeing the giant grey box with “voters signature” at the top. She looked at my “2” and said, “That’s all, honey?”

    Then I realize I was supposed to sign my name. Now we need to move so we can switch polling locations before next year.

  213. Was super nervous at an honors college mingling event at my university, started shaking everyone’s hand with my left hand (very confidently), met the dean and said “It’s pleased to meet you” (again, very confidently, so maybe nobody noticed?). Total trainwreck.

  214. I was walking down a staircase in high school with my best friend telling a story. She said something that had nothing to do with what we were talking about, I said, “shows how much appension you tay”

  215. Not me, but the legendary Sam Goldwyn was known to stand on a ship as it sailed, shouting to people on the quayside “bon voyage!”

  216. In 1963, when I was 6 and in 2nd grade, my family and I moved to a very exclusive suburb. A week later, in front of the whole class, I wet my pants. During Show and Tell. I’ve still not recovered.

  217. I work in law enforcement and we routinely give the media press releases. My boss put her home number instead of the work number as the “if you have any information, call” number. Her 6 year old daughter answered the phone and talked to the media. A year later, my new boss did the same thing, only with his wife’s cell phone number!!

  218. Went to see matinee of the Book of Mormon with hubby. Walked up to young man standing in the lobby nicely dressed in a suit, handed him my tickets and asked where my seats were located in the theatre. Turns out he wasn’t an usher, but a member of the Church of LDS. He appeared too stunned to even offer me a free copy of the Book of Mormon before I realized my mistake and hurried away.

  219. My mom & I were at our local drugstore just before I was about to leave my very small, very rural hometown for college. They had a lot of fans blowing in the store (it was late August) and it was hard to hear. The lady behind the counter asked me if I was going to college in the fall. I said “Yes!” proudly. Then she asked what I was studying. “Television & Radio,” I answered. Then she said something I heard as “Prepared?” so I answered with gusto, “Yes!” My mom pinched me when we left the store and asked why I said that. The lady behind the counter didn’t ask me if I was prepared; she was asking if I was studying Television/ Radio REPAIR.

  220. I used to work in a convenience store that had a self-service toaster — you could toast your bagels, bread, etc., and spread butter, jelly, etc. on it. For jelly, we just took squeeze bottles of Smucker’s from the regular inventory and set them out. Regulars know if the jelly bottle is emplty, they can just go grab a new bottle from the shelf and let us know.

    One day I was behind the counter and a customer came up to me with a bottle of grape jelly and said, “Open?” I took it from him, unscrewed the cap, peeled off the little “Sealed for Your Protection” seal, replaced the cap and handed the bottle back to him. He looked at me as if I had six heads and asked, “Why did you do that?”

    Me: “Um, you asked me to.”

    Nope. He was asking me if my REGISTER was open. The boss had to send me out for a break until I quit laughing and crying with embarrassment.

  221. I once worked with someone whose hair looked awful every day… like limp, greasy, possibly not brushed that day…. and one morning I walked in and her hair was… clean, curled, light and fluffy…. and I said, “Wow, Karen, your hair looks better!!!”

    I INTENDED to say, “Your hair looks great!”….. but my brain took over. LOL.

  222. I accidentally dialed 911 while trying to make a conference call (9 to get an outside line, 1, then typed the numbers in as someone else read them to me). I had to hurriedly explain that my 911 call was an accident. Then after I was done with the conference call I received a call from an unknown number. It was the 911 operator calling back to ensure that there was still no emergency at my location, so I had the privilege of explaining my mistake a second time. I guess it wasn’t all bad since I learned that you don’t need to dial 9 to get an outside line before dialing 911.

  223. I used to work at a convenience store that had a self-service toaster area, where customers could toast the bagel, bread, roll or muffin they just bought and apply their choice of spread. For jelly, we just used the squeeze bottles of Smucker’s from the regular inventory. Frequent customers knew that if the jelly ran out, they could just grab a fresh bottle from the shelf and let us know.

    One day I was behind the counter when a customer approached with a bottle of grape jelly and said, “Open?” Assuming he wanted to use it at the toaster station, I took it from him, opened it and handed it back, and he looked at me as if I had six heads and asked “Why did you do that?”

    “Um, you asked me to.”

    Actually, no. He was asking if my REGISTER was open. The boss had to send me out for a break because I was hysterically laughing and crying at the same time.

  224. I had to run into a store to get something and our baby was asleep, so I just jumped out of the car while my husband circled the lot. Picked up my item, came back out of the store, got back into our car, realized it was NOT our car, looked at the driver and yelled “YOU’RE NOT MY HUSBAND!” and leapt out. My husband, in the car behind, had watched the whole thing.

  225. My sister and I were on vacation at the family cottage and were picking out flowers for window boxes. I spent quite a bit of time in garden centres with my parents as a child, so I know quite a few flower names. This knowledge failed me when I called to my SIL, saying, “Oh, this labia would look nice!” She laughed and said, “Um, do you mean lobelia?” To this day, I avoid talking to her about flowers.

  226. Years ago, my husband and I were waiting for a bus with several other people, one of which was a blind man and his seeing eye dog. My husband, in his child-like innocence said to the man, “You must feel very lucky. You get to take your dog on the bus with you.” The blind man angrily said, “No sir I do not feel lucky.” It was then that my husband realized what he said and wished he could disappear. It was too cold to wait for the next bus. Everyone glared at us during the entire bus ride.

  227. Once asked a patient who spoke minimal English for a urine sample. He gave me a very stange look but popped into the toilet. After a suspiciously long time he came out of the toilet leaving a very ‘solid’ specimen on the windowsill for me. I then had to try to explain that it wasn’t what I wanted and try and ask for him to try again using hand gestures and noises!

  228. Um. Years ago, I forgot that the gutter repair guy was arriving really early, and over slept. The night before, I had whisked all my clothes off and climbed into bed, leaving them in a heap on the floor. The bell rings, I sit up, remember the dude was arriving, get all “oh fuckity fuck” panicky, grab yesterday’s top and trousers off the floor and whip them on to go and answer the door. All’s good, we start walking around the house inspecting the gutters and chatting with me pretending to be awake, and I feel something sliding down my leg. I go: “What the fuck is that?” and shake my leg. Out pop yesterday’s undies onto the guy’s foot.

    One that is apparently SO common when giving birth: I shat in the birthing tub whilst pushing. Clearly normal for these guys; the nurse opened the cupboard, pulled out a sieve and fished it out. MORTIFIED! Later, trying to make a joke of it, I told the Gynae: “I bet not all your patient’s give a shit”. He just stared at me blanky. WAY to make it worse! Shudder.

    Last one, I swear, although I have many more! And no, we weren’t in the LEAST embarassed here!
    Back in the teenaged day and immensely stoned, my friend and I decided to pay a surprise visit to a guy in his apartment. We got in the elevator while having a HUGE stoner giggling fit. It was about 15 minutes later, still cackling our arses off, that I realised that this was the slowest elevator EVER and that we still hadn’t arrived at his floor. Yeah, neither of us pushed the button. Of course, this made us collapse in hysterics even harder. 😀
    Sigh. I kinda miss those days. 🙂

  229. A client had recently lost her husband to a self-inflicted gunshot. She called to get my company’s email address which has consecutive ‘B’s’ in the domain. So completely insensible to the alphaphonetic code, I say, “bb… as in bb gun…” Now every time I talk to the client she asks me why I sound so weird.

  230. Here’s mine: When our daughter was 4, her favorite toys were her Barbies. We were walking through the Barbie aisle in a toy store – hubby pushing the shopping cart, daughter in the cart, me in front of the cart – when all of a sudden our daughter yells at the top of her lungs, “DADDY! I NEED A MAN! i NEED A MAN, DADDY!!!” Yeah, she had spotted the Ken dolls. Laughter erupted all around us, hubby’s face turned bright red, and I kept walking as if I didn’t know them……

  231. Many years ago we would take our two dogs with us to Petsmart to buy food since it was fun for all of us to get out of the house. We would buy the biggest bag they had and it lasted about a month.

    We were getting out of the car one time and a young lady was getting out of her car with HER dog and I cheerfully asked her, “Is it that time of the month?”

    I didn’t figure out why my wife was glaring at me until we were almost done shopping.

  232. While on a romantic date with my husband, we stepped into an elevator with mirrors on all 4 walls AND ceiling. I was very tipsy and told him “you should do me in this elevator so I can see from all angles”. A small voice from an old lady in the corner (who I had drunkenly overlooked) said “could I please get off the elevator first?”.

  233. These are so funny! And you were right, Jenny. My bf just came into my office because he thought I was having a seizure. So nice to know that he thinks me laughing is the same as having an epileptic seizure. I almost feel sexy now.

  234. Yesterday I told the postal clerk that the stamps I put on my envelope looked like they were applied by a drunken sailor. He replied, “I was in the Navy for 21 years.” Oops.

  235. One more I just remembered. I was at a dressy work function (tuxedos) and a disk jockey slash local celebrity was there. Of course I knew who it was after hearing his voice on the morning show for so many years.

    Finally talked to him and the first thing I said was “My parents always made me listen to your station.”

  236. Have moments like this too. ALL. THE. TIME. You know, when the wheel is turning but the hamster is clearly napping? Here’s my best. Was on the phone. Friend: “They are having the best sale on chicken breast at Krogers.” She followed up with the price per pound. Me: “Oh, that is a good deal, but is it white meat?”….silence…tumbleweeds rolled by….crickets were chirping. Me: “Wait! Ummmm…Did I just ask that?”.

  237. While shopping with my Korean-born friend Joo-Yun, I called across the store to get her attention, “Joo! Joo!” A woman with a prominent nose turned to me with with shock and anger written across her face. I left the store…and the state.

  238. Tried to read these aloud to my husband, and could hardly squeak them out I was laughing/crying so hard. I’ve had my fair share, but the brain is mush today and can’t think of any. Maybe I’ll share later when I’m not quite as mushy.

  239. Once I walked onto the subway carrying a cup of Starbucks coffee. I felt so confident and urban and like I was actually a cool person for once, such is the power of Starbucks. Then the train started before I could get a seat or grab a bar. The train lurched forward. So did the coffee in my cup, hitting the lid, which must have been slightly loose, with such force that it popped off and half the coffee in my cup splashed out over the three people in front of me. And then we pulled into Humiliation Station.

    Question: in that situation is it considered acceptable to carry on drinking what coffee you have left? I wasn’t sure, and am still confused about the etiquette.

  240. I don’t have a Twitter account but had to share MY cringe-worthy moment. Had been to a baby shower the day before and a friend had given the expecting mother a homemade stuffed animal. I ran into the friend at the corner deli the next day and exclaimed, in front of the cashier and several other patrons, “I had a dream about your beaver last night!”

  241. While working as a copywriter, once described a dress as being made of polish cotton (left the “ed” off of polished); helpful proofreader changed the “p” to upper case; sales and queries about the item exceeded all expectations despite the fabric not being from Poland.

  242. this is dredging up from the remote corners of my brain the repressed memories of all the stupid awkward clumsy klutzy idiotic gaffes faux pas embarasments that have ever happened to me. ( A lot – I’m old). I may never leave the house again.
    Here’s one: Many years ago, I was working at an estate sale when one of the customers called for her daughter, Phyllis. For some reason, I answered. I couldn’t run off – there was no escape. She kept following me around asking if my name was Phyllis. I finally had to tell her to Just Let It Go Already.
    meow meow meow

  243. Ahahahaha….too many of these are too familiar to me. (the one who forgot not only the name of who she was calling, but her own as well — hahahahahaha — right up there with the one who exclaimed seig heil!)

    I work from home, shun the phone, and don’t get out much, so when I do finally encounter other people at the grocery store, post office, etc, I invariably say something completely scrambled and wrong while trying to make polite conversation. I’m not quick-witted or charming enough to turn it around, ever, instead seemingly determined to go straight for compounding the awkward with more awkwardness.

    Polite conversation is one of the main reasons I shun the phone and don’t get out much.

    Thanks for starting all this, Jenny — so nice to see that I’m not alone in my ham-handed attempts at normal social behavior.

  244. I have two to add to this mayhem…

    1) When meeting my now best friend’s mom for the very first time (20 years ago) at a Christmas play for the church the Mom worked at, at the end of the ovation I was very moved and loudly exclaimed “THAT WAS FUCKING GREAT!!!”

    2) My very obviously blind (for real) co-worker chat during the day and at the end of the day I will say, “OK…I will see you later.” EVERY SINGLE TIME.

  245. I hugged the person who interviewed me for a job. A job that I really wanted. A job that almost doubled my salary. A job I didn’t get . . .

  246. I once had to provide my daughter with a disposable packed lunch for a field trip. Had a case of water bottles on the floor of the pantry, chose one to throw in lunch bag. Teacher told me after school I’d packed daughter a bottle of vinegar to drink. The same size and shape, it had fallen off the shelf right into the case of water. I was mortified. Then four years later, my son had the same teacher. She mentioned the vinegar.

  247. Oh sweet jeebus. This reminds me of the time I was telling a work story to a friend with terminal cancer that involved the punchline, “20 years of smoking!” Our friends facepalmed, understandably.

  248. Phone at work rings.
    Coworker’s feeling silly and cries: “Tele-ringring!”
    I pick up the receiver and blurt out: “TelePHONE!”
    Thankfully, the caller hat a sense of humour.

    Years ago, while I was still at school. Recess has ended, we are walking up the stairs to our classroom. A fellow student pulls at my sweater from behind.
    I’m stuck between saying: “Don’t pull at my sweater” (“Reiß nicht an meinem Pullover” in German) and “Don’t stretch my sweater” (“Reck mir nicht den Pullover aus”).
    What I did was turn around and shout: “Rrrr-rrrrrrrrr-rrrrrrrr-rrrrrrrrrrrrr”.

  249. HaD a sense of humour.
    The caller haD a sense of humour.

    Thus you were able to witness my newest blunder firsthand.
    I’ll go and lie down now for a bit…^^

  250. This was amazing to read. 🙂 I have some of my own…

    In 5th grade we were watching a movie about whales. During one of the quiet parts I farted. As the echoes died down, I was hoping nobody noticed. No such luck, the boy behind me (who I had a huge crush on) scooted his desk back a couple of inches. The whole class cracked up and my face burned so badly I am amazed I still have skin on it.
    My sister-in-law was staying at our house for a while. She’s in the living room playing Rock Band, my husband and I are playing World of Warcraft in the other room. She keeps starting the same song over and over and over. I whispered to him in-game, “What is she doing?”. He whispered back “Maybe she’s trying hard”. I replied, “To what, annoy me?” He meant hard as in the difficulty.

  251. This was amazing to read. 🙂 I have some of my own…

    In 5th grade we were watching a movie about whales. During one of the quiet parts I farted. As the echoes died down, I was hoping nobody noticed. No such luck, the boy behind me (who I had a huge crush on) scooted his desk back a couple of inches. The whole class cracked up and my face burned so badly I am amazed I still have skin on it.
    My sister-in-law was staying at our house for a while. She’s in the living room playing Rock Band, my husband and I are playing World of Warcraft in the other room. She keeps starting the same song over and over and over. I whispered to him in-game, “What is she doing?”. He whispered back “Maybe she’s trying hard”. I replied, “To what, annoy me?” He meant hard as in the difficulty.

  252. In high school, family trip to visit my mom’s BFF. We get there after midnight, and only mom’s BFF is still awake waiting up for us. I’m supposed to share a bed with her daughter, same age as me. Slipped into bed in the dark, trying not to wake her up. 10 minutes later, sleepy deep masculine voice asking me something. Went in wrong bedroom and accidentally got in bed with the husband instead of the daughter.

  253. Junior year of high school, if I recall correctly: I had a runny nose. I had to ask the class if anyone had any Kleenex. I ended up blowing my nose on writing paper. In front of the class. My worst thought was that I was NOT going to die of embarrassment, and would have to live through and remember the entire experience. Sigh.

  254. I’m a female engineer and once presenting to a team of all male engineers, instead of saying scratches nicks and dings…i said scratches dicks and nings.

  255. I was pregnant so I blame pregnancy brain…one of my cousin’s wIves was pregnant, and even though I don’t see them that often I KNEW which one was…but asked the other one when she was due. She was not amused. And I was thinking “I KNEW YOU WEREN’T HER!!” But knew I could never recover. My husband still teases me about it and my daughter who caused the pregnancy brain is 11. This is only one of many…

  256. My friend was getting the new iPhone and the sales agent told them about a promo they had on the iPad. She went to say “I’m ok” and “No thanks” at the same time, panicked and ended up yelling “I’M NUDE!” Her husband handled the rest of the transaction.

  257. My daughter was working at a weekend pet care clinic when a woman came in with a cat. Daughter asked for her phone number (which is how they pull up past customers). When the woman’s name came up, she asked her if the cat she was holding was “Mittens”. No, replied the woman sadly, Mittens died last week. My daughter, ever efficient and awkward, said — no problem, we can just delete her in the system…it’s easy.

  258. I once walked into the ladies room because I was wearing a kilt and the icon on the sign looked more like me than the men’s.

  259. My mother, who is very short-sighted, was swimming with my dad early in their marriage, obviously sans glasses. He kept ducking and splashing her, and she got tired of it. Finally she saw him boogie-boarding out on a wave, and decided it was time for revenge. As he came into shallow water, she snuck over and leapt on his back, and ducked him under the water repeatedly. Only to look up and see my actual dad a few feet away, laughing his head off….

  260. Early 1970s.Friend’s dad driving 8 of us to a night football game. Foggy,limited visiblity. Someone asks “where’re we going?” I yell “we’re being hijacked!” 14 elbows come flying at me. Turns out my friend’s brother (whose dad was driving) had actually hijacked an airplane.

  261. There was a homeless guy in the town where I went to school who was really young, like our age, and I always felt for him. One day I dropped a dollar bill in his cup.

    He pulled it, now wet, out of the coffee he was drinking from that cup.

  262. At work, people frequently leave printed documents in the printer tray. I work in a 6 person open office, so I always just call out the title of the document to find its proper home. One day, a colleague printed out a transcript of an 18th Century document extolling the virtues of being a sailor.
    Me: Who needed “A Glorious Encouragement for Seamen”?
    Male colleague: That was me….

    We were both beat red.

  263. This could be an endless post. I think my grandma has the best ones in our family:
    Once, when she was rushing to her car in the middle of winter, she slipped on the ice and slid completely underneath her car. She quickly got up and acted like nothing happened.
    Another time she went to get into her car after shopping and accidentally got into another car that was almost the same model and color, only it was a 4 door instead of 2 door, so she got into the back seat and only realized because there was no steering wheel. (This was in a town where no one locks their doors.)

    Also, my dad still has not lived down printing in the bulletin that there was “fried children” (instead of chicken) for a meal at church.

    As for myself, well, my friends have gotten used to translating what I’m trying to say when I transpose words or the beginnings of words in sentences as it is a VERY common occurrence. There was also the time when I was six and I was trying on snowpants that my mom had gotten me, only I didn’t know I was supposed to keep my clothes on under them. I also put them on backwards. (To be fair, we had just moved from a tropical climate and I had never experienced winter.)

  264. I’m back because I remembered another terrible occasion. I’m on-air talent for my local NPR affiliate station during their pledge drives, and one morning — please remember, we do this at like 6AM for a week straight — my co-host had to leave the sound booth. She asked (into the microphone, of course) if I could entertain our listeners solo for a few minutes. Quick as a wink I leaned into the microphone and said, “Sure, I’ll hold down the fart!”

    On air.

    On NPR.

    To compound the issue, one of our listeners composed a limerick about it and emailed it to the station. I have it printed and pinned to my corkboard so the shame never dies.

  265. Not my experience but worth retelling.
    My wife’s workmate’s mother was at home with her grandchildren & their friends, & asked them “Would you boys like some cock?” (She meant coke, but it was indistinguishable from cock due to her strong Indian accent!)

  266. Sweet Jesus these are great! I have a few to toss out there…
    – I was in Italy, with my mom and best friend, at a cafe having espresso. I was talking as we got up to leave, and I slid sideways thinking the booth seat I was in went the whole length of the wall. It did not. I crashed loudly to the floor, my mom & best friend both burst out laughing. I just jumped out, threw my hands up and shouted “Ta DA!!” before turning and leaving the building. I have no idea why.

    Having not learned anything from that episode, I was in the very crowded parking area of a Jimmy Buffett concert, and in front of a huge tent of tailgaters, I managed to literally “blow out my flip flop”. I had a beer in one hand, and a hot dog in the other. Fell down in the grass, jumped up, and again threw my hands in the air and shouted “Ta DA!”. Got a round of applause from the tent, and didn’t spill a drop of beer or my hot dog.
    In Germany, tried to dust off the high school German and say “thank you” (Danke Schoen) to a waitress. Instead told her “good bye” (Auf Wiedersehn). Then I blurted out “Shit, that’s not it!” She was amused at least.
    At Disney World with my family, we were walking across a dock and I wasn’t watching where I was going – there was a very large man in a very small boat in the water that was in danger of sinking, so I was watching him. And I walked straight into a palm tree and nearly ended up in the water myself. My brother and husband were laughing so hard they nearly peed themselves, and both swear my head made a “clonk” noise when I hit the tree. I looked like a cartoon with my sunglasses all askew and birdies flying around my head. I have managed to not only run into trees with my body (three times), but also my car – right outside work, in a parking lot, with only ONE tree in it. I managed to not only hit it, but run it the fuck over. Cops refused to ticket me because they were laughing so hard.

  267. Gads, I made the mistake of glancing at this during lunch today at work. Bad. Bad. Bad. Tears running down my face. (Seriously, why does that happen so easily? I think something is wrong with my tear ducts.) I should know better!

    Done the “Happy Birthday” thing back to people more time than I care to think about.

    And I’ve nearly said, “love you,” to friends and co-workers but thank GOD I’ve stopped myself most of the time. Although that can be awkward too. “Okay, thanks. Talk to you soon. L… ” Then I usually clear my throat to cover for starting to say, “love.” Yeah, like that makes it all okay. It does most of the time, actually, (is what I keep telling myself).

  268. My Mum was talking to someone at a diner event who was blind and asked how he was getting home, he said ‘I’m catching the train.’ Mum’s response ‘ But it’s dark!’

  269. This is GLORIOUS! I’m reminded of an old coworker, who came to work at our call center after a long stint at a local fast food taco place. On more than one occasion, she answered the phone “Thank you for calling X Transportation, would you like to try our Cinni-sopapilla bites today?”

    Equally mortifying were the number of times I saw the facility name on the caller ID and answered the phone identifying myself as them. (Far too many times.)

    This page absolutely made my night. So much love.

  270. Shopping for a wedding shower present when I was broke I saw that a boning knife was the cheapest item on the list. I asked the salesman “Can I get a boner?” (then to my friend) “What? How about a boner?” (and back to salesman) “Do you have a boner? Oh. Damnit.”

  271. At work reading this. Have to stop. My shoulders are shaking and I’m making odd gasping and gurgling noises trying to keep the laughs in. I work at a hospital on a surgery floor. Not appropriate to laugh out loud by myself.

  272. Spent the whole night on Halloween this year at the street party, we got mobbed for photos which was fine having cool costumes will do that, but for some reason even though Halloween is by far my fav holiday I kept saying to people after each picture Happy Easter. I still harbour hope that it was so loud they did not hear anything beyond Happy. The only good news is I can just change wigs and costumes next year and no one should be able to tell the difference. Guess I should go get to work on that now.

  273. I am sure I have done much more embarrassing things – like the time I told an author my baby boy was gazing at her adoringly because she had boobs – but the one that comes to mind is when I drove up to the Starbucks drive-thru, paid for my order, then drove away. Must have been desperate for caffeine because I went back to get the coffee.

  274. I rounded the corner at Target to catch up to my lovely wife, who was pushing a cart up the next aisle. I patted her on the butt. She jumped a little and turned around. Lovely, but not my wife. She saw the look of horror on my face, laughed, and said “Thank you, sir.” I said “You’re welcome.” as I turned and walked away very fast. I should have asked “Are the hara kiri swords on this aisle?”.

  275. Working at a pet store and the store cat was recovering from a bad bout of diarrhea. He was uncomfortable and raw about the nether regions, so I put a bit of soothing lanolin cream around his butthole. I thought the store was empty, so yelled back to my co-worker who is allergic to lanolin “Whatever you do, don’t touch Houdini’s anus!” Then I stood up, lubed glove still on and cat running away to sulk… and saw my crush standing right in front of me… store was not empty!

  276. Another one

    We were in Disney World, having a great experience at a character meal. Mickey noticed our anniversary buttons and wanted to know how long. So I’m trying to figure out how to show how many by using our hands.

    Then it dawned on me. Major face palm. We can talk to Mickey and he can hear us. He just can’t talk to us. I died laughing once I realized what a dork I was.

    Sad thing, we’ve been to Disney numerous times and had met many different characters but for some reason, I had a major brain fart.

  277. A long time ago I used to work at a women’s gym. One night I was making cold calls (calling people who had memberships but hadn’t come in for a while) trying to lure them back in with a really crappy deal on “free personal training for 20 minutes” or something. I have crazy anxiety around using the phone so I was super nervous dialing the first number. When I reached the woman’s answering machine, I totally lost my head and instead of following the script that was RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME I said “Thank you for calling Exclusively Women’s Fitness, ask me about our free passes … uh, I mean, I’m calling you! You didn’t call me. Um. Let me just … oops … I’m gonna start over? No. Oh crap!” then hung up and put down the sweaty receiver, then just pretended to call people for the next three hours. The woman never came into the gym again, but I like to think I gave her a laugh 🙂

  278. Quite possibly the funniest thing you have EVER posted, and that says A LOT! (Beartrum, Beyoncé) It took me 2 days to get through it all because A) I work long days 2) I’m a single mom, so my evenings are usually fully occupied and Thirdly: I was concerned that my neighbors would feel compelled to call 911 due to the ridiculous (and LOUD) noises I was making whilst reading these entirely relatable confessions from My Tribe. M’Lady Lawson, you are a GEM! And to your followers, Thank You All for validating my life! <3

  279. Loving this thread. Started reading this morning and I had to stop because I couldn’t lift my coffee cup 🙂
    Once when my (now) husband and I were just hanging out, I was talking about past boyfriends and saying I usually went for guys that had shiny trucks or big boats, and that I’d never had the experience of dating someone who was smarter than me (my husband is a multi-lingual software engineer – his first language is Hebrew, but he has better English than I do). A few minutes later we were having a discussion about something and I was trying to count (using my fingers), but wasn’t coming up with the answer that made sense. Then I realized it was because I had started counting on my index finger, rather than my thumb, which is apparently the only way I know how to count on my fingers???
    …. I tried to cover it up but I was crying laughing and honestly, it was too funny not to share!

  280. These stories made me laugh so hard & for so long that I actually began to fear for my life!!

    Here’s mine:

    My car needed new struts.
    Because my then-boyfriend ‘knew things about cars’ he always bought the parts ahead of time & a mechanic simply installed the previously-purchased item.
    I had scheduled an appointment to have them replaced, but work was crazy-busy that day, so I could not possibly leave to get my car to the mechanic.
    My super-sweet, and very pretty, friend/co-worker offered to take my car for me—I said, “Great! All you have to do is drop it off & let them know the struts are in the trunk.”

    When she returned, she was shaky & laughing & gave me the following account:
    Mechanic: “Do you have an appointment?”
    Pretty Friend: “Yes” gives my name, and adds, “The sluts are in the trunk.”
    Mechanic: Questioning stare
    Pretty Friend: “The sluts. They’re in the trunk.”
    Brief period of confusion/frustration ensues before error is realized. Struts. Not sluts.

    Worst part for me, the car owner, was the mechanic’s parting salvo to my dear, sweet, pretty friend:
    Mechanic: “Don’t worry, I don’t know that much about cars, either.”

    !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I died with laughter with her & still to this day I cannot believe she actually shared the story with me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  281. Shortly after starting work at the hospital in Rochester MN, they asked me to go around to all the patient rooms on one of the floors and do inventory of all the metal utensils, ie bed pans, metal soap dishes, etc.
    I would knock on the patient’s door and announce “Hi, I am here to count the utensils.” Most of the time it went fine, but some of the patients were hard of hearing. After the third patient thought I said, “Hi, I am here to check your tonsils,” I decided I needed to reword my phrase so it would not be misunderstood. Mind you, I was 21, and a bit naive.
    Knock on the door, “Hi, I am here to check the equipment.” Well that went well until I came to the room of a drop dead gorgeous guy who grabbed his sheets and started pulling them down and asked, “Where do you want to start?”
    I was so embarrassed, I couldn’t even speak to him.
    After that I went back to “checking their tonsils.”

  282. Oh my goodness. I have not laughed this hard, for this long, in…well, possibly ever. Thank you all for these wonderful stories.

  283. I tried to participate in a conversation with French-speaking moms about these little pins that came free with kids’ snacks. What I tried to say, in my very bad French, was “Oh, everyone wants pins!” I mispronounced the word for “pins” and landed on the equivalent of “cocks.”

  284. My embarrassment meter is decorative, not functional, but I will share one of my favorites. A few years back, my best friend and I were at the movies, and we got some sort of combo at the concessions counter. It came with HUGE drinks, so the kid (all of maybe 18) handed us straws that were like a foot and a half long. I said, “You gave us big enormous straws!” and he said, “That’s because you have big enormous cups!” To which I glibly replied, “Thank you!” Guy turned so red he was purple and my friend and I about died laughing.

  285. When asked by the greengrocer what he could get her, my mum answered “a kilo of knickers” (panties). She was mortified
    A friend once kissed the taxi driver before leaving the car. As if that wasn’t embarrassment enough, a while later she took a taxi with her boyfriend, and when they arrived at her house the driver said: “Once I brought a young lady here and she kissed me!”. Of course the boyfriend thought it was hilarious and did tell the guy her girlfriend was that lady!

  286. I have two:

    Firstly, when my youngest child (of 3) was about six months, I ran into a friend who also had 3 kids in the italian ice store. While chatting with her amid the chaos, I absentmindedly picked up my fussing son from his stroller. Used to the weight of him in my arms, in mid-conversation I spotted the empty stroller. My blood turned to ice and I started screaming for people to look for who stole my baby. The one I was holding in my arms, as the stunned guy behind the counter pointed out.

    About a year later, I had that same child in a bathroom with me in a popular Cracker-Barrel type restaurant we frequently eat it near a ski resort where a relative has a cabin. As I was mid-stream, he toddled towards the door. I was certain he couldn’t manage both the lock on the knob and the slide lock, but, with my pants around my ankles, I got up to pull him back… only to have the door swing open to a room full of shoppers with a full view of me half naked. Never. Going. Back. There.

  287. OK, I thought of some more. It’s somewhat therapeutic to a) get these moments of awkwardness off my chest and b) know that I’m not the only hopelessly flailing weirdo attempting to get through the world.

    I once walked out of Starbucks, over to my friend’s silver car and sat shotgun. The surprised young man in the front seat was like “hi” and his kids were in the backseat like “wtf.” I was super embarrassed. And my friends were standing outside waving frantically like “wrong car wrong car what are you doing” The guy was a good sport about it. And at least I waited until after getting out of his car, apologizing profusely, to drop my drink and spill it everywhere.

    Talking to my high school crush at church while we were both eating lollipops. While talking, mine fell out of my mouth…and right down the front of my shirt into my cleavage. We looked at each other in panic and there was a moment of “Are we going to acknowledge that this just happened” and then he started laughing uncontrollably. I fished the lollipop out of my cleavage and we never spoke of it again (ended up dating him a few years later, though…)

  288. We were on our honeymoon in rural France. I got a yeast infection. The people at the pharmacy did not speak English. In my bad French I said “J’ai une mal de la vagine” (I have a bad vagina) a la cote de (of the kind of) – um – quelle est le mot de le petite animale dans le pain et til fait de.. de.. POOF?” (what is the name of the little animal in the bread that makes it go poof?) The pharmacist looked at me blankly for about 8 seconds and then said loudly “CANDIDE!” and then cracked up laughing. The entire pharmacy staff cracked up laughing. They laughed so hard tears were streaming down their faces. One snorted hard when she laughed. They all said “nous somme desolee” (we are sorry) but kept laughing and then put some kind of French Vagisil in my hand. I threw some euros on the counter and then just left. It was internationally horrifying.

  289. These are great! “Was whoever here went?” is my favorite. I have four stories:

    I was a slightly nerdy, very shy, quiet kid. While doing a crossword puzzle in 7th grade science class my friend, who sat behind me, kept asking for the answer to seven across. After a couple minutes of her pestering, I turned around and very loudly sang “POLLINATION!” Like an opera singer. She stared at me for a long moment, then quietly said, “Thank you.” I don’t know why I did that.

    Ten years ago I was interviewing for a job at Sonic and mentioned how excited I was that, just a couple months before, I’d had their turkey burger on a whole wheat bun for the first time. Left the interview feeling good about it, but never heard back. It wasn’t until a couple months later that I realized Sonic didn’t have a turkey burger. It was Fatburger that I had been excited about.

    I used to ride my bicycle to work and carry a change of clothes in my backpack. One morning I decided to stop at Whole Foods before riding in to work, so I parked at the bike rack, removed the lock from my backpack, and locked up my bike. After shopping for about ten minutes and waiting in the checkout line, I went to retrieve my wallet from my backpack and discovered I hadn’t zipped it up after locking my bike. My bra was sitting on top, on display while I wandered about the store.

    Not too long ago I tried to buy groceries but my debit card was declined. I knew I had money in the bank, so I figured I entered the PIN wrong and tried again. Still declined, so I paid cash. Later that day I tried to pay for gas–same problem. After calling my bank to find out what was going on, they cancelled my card and put a new one in the mail. Immediately after hanging up, I realized I’d entered my PIN wrong. There’s a double number, so instead of, for example, 1-1-2-3, I had been entering 1-2-3-3. This has happened on two separate occasions. I’ve had the same PIN for five years.

  290. From a friend: “I was 18 I was driving on the freeway when I got a flat tire. I got over to the side of the road. I got the jack out, but I could not get it to work. I tried for half an hour. Finally, a very nice man (about 35 years old) pulled over and asked if he could help. I said, “Oh yes, thank you! I’ve been jacking off this car for half an hour and getting nowhere!””

  291. I missed this whole thing when it happened, and am CRYING LAUGHING reading these!!! I so wish I’d been part of it in the moment. Meanwhile … I have two of these to share.

    #1) My friends and I were hanging out one day after high school, discussing what kinds of tea we liked to drink. Someone in our group mentioned “Chinese tea” (referencing the Oolong tea they give away for free in many local Chinese restaurants) and how they loved it, but had to put lots of sugar in it in order to be able to drink it. I swear I intended to reply, “I never put sugar in Chinese tea”. What came out of my mouth was, “Never put Chinese sugar on Twinkies!!”

    There was a moment of stunned silence as the whole group just turned and STARED at me. I’m sitting there going, “Oh my god, please tell me I did not say what I think I just said …”

    ‘Cause, seriously … WTF, me???

    #2) Years ago, my ex-husband and I were about to watch a Celtics game downtown at the new Boston Garden. As we were standing in the crush of people down in the lobby area of the building, I heard some random girl yell, “BRIAN!!!” In this very “airhead” kind of way. Mockingly, I shouted back, “TIMMY!!” (a la South Park) … and just as I did, the crowd RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME parted to let a guy in a motorized wheelchair through.

    I. Freaking. DIED.

    I was so mortified that this guy thought I was making fun of him that I ran and hid behind the garbage cans.

  292. I am crying also 😀 Here’s mine:

    We were having a combined garage sale with my parents one weekend when a 60ish year old woman bought a novel of mine, gave the money and 3 nudie photos of me she’d found hidden inside the book, to my younger (15 at the time) brother. He then turned and handed them to me in front of everybody, while laughing his head off. I was horrified, to say the least.

  293. These stories are terrific. My story: When I was a kid, we had just sat down as a family for dinner. My little brother who was about 9 years old, was asked to say the blessing for the food. Just as he was about to start, the phone rang. The phone was on the wall closest to him, so he answered it. With him being in the mindset to thank Jesus for the food, he answered the phone “Dear Heavenly Father.” It was my father’s boss. I laughed so hard I pee’d my pants a little. I still laugh about it to this day. He hates it when we bring it up and that makes it even more funny.

  294. My highly esteemed co-worker who had been working at our grocery store for 20-some years, answered the phone one day with: “[Name] Market, can you help me?”

    I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard at work in my life.

  295. Last week during a very public wedding rehearsal, the coordinator told my brother (my man of honor) to fluff the train of my dress out once I reached the end of the aisle stage. My mother decided it was a great time to start yelling “Be your sister’s fluffer!” She said it about a dozen times throughout the rehearsal – like a parrot that only knows one phrase. Afterwards, (she was still going on about “fluffer”) my brother got the happy task of explaining to her what a fluffer does in porn and how she should stop yelling that out in public. I was mortified – all those people…

  296. I was invited to a birthday party by a pair of identical twins. Asked “so which one of you’s birthday is it?” That was over 30 years ago. Still get cold sweats when I remember it.

  297. OMG, I can’t even finish this blog post, I’m laughing too hard!

    My story:

    I was shopping one Saturday and got a call from a coworker/friend who was stuck working in the office on a huge project. She was super frazzled and called to say “the printer went down on me” and was wondering if I knew how to fix it. I had to do all I could not to burst out laughing during her meltdown at work. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that I actually told her what she’d said and how funny it was to me.

  298. When I was first learning French, I stood up in class to offer an example phrase in response to the teacher’s request, intending to say (for some reason I can’t remember) “The woman is on the mattress”, or “la femme est sur le matelas”. Except I used ‘matelot’, which means ‘sailor’. Teacher laughed and corrected me.

  299. Ugh, I just remembered one. I was about 12 years old and went to see my great-grandfather, who was dying, in the hospital. As we were leaving in the car, I noticed the funeral home next to the hospital and said to my extended family (including my grandmother, his daughter), something along the lines of “It’s a good thing that the funeral home is so close by.” The atmosphere in the car got remarkably icy for a time, but nobody said anything.

  300. When my girlfriend died, friends and family said the thing you say when someone dies: “I’m so sorry.” To which I kept replying (in a very comforting tone), “It’s all right.”

  301. I was in a crowded elevator ..somebody passed gas…, it was rancid…., the elevator got to one particular floor and everyone but me got off. So of coarse, the next stop a beatific woman steps on with lonely ole me and the super stink and zero sign that anyone but me was ever on that elevator. Thanks Universe…. Well played !!

  302. One of my good-looking acquaintances had posted a photo of him and his two brothers on Facebook. I told him at a party, slightly tipsy, “Your family sure does have good genes; you and your brothers look so much alike and are all so handsome.” Turns out, one of them is a step brother and is not related at all. I still cringe when I think about it.

  303. Dying! It took me hours to read these because I could only do 10 at a time before I was crying so hard I couldn’t keep reading. Amazing. Can we do this weekly?

  304. When I was a dispatcher/communication technician for a small-ish town police department, I occasionally had to fill in for court duty. Our job was to announce each individual, as well as their charge, when it was their turn to go before the judge. On one such occasion, instead of reading, “you were cited with violating state statute …..,” I read, “you were violated with state statute….” I was mortified, corrected myself and tried to move on. However, the defendant said, “you were right the first time.”

  305. At a buffet, got my plate, sat at the table and started eating before looking up – Wrong table, I pulled it off by asking if he wanted to buy my lunch.

  306. I am crying…..

    Met an aquaintance I hadn’t seen in years, said how had he been, & how was his wife?
    He told me that she had died recently…….
    Me: Oh dear, nothing serious, I hope?……..

  307. This story may fall in the TMI category, however, I am fairly certain that I will never meet anyone that reads this face to face, so here goes…
    A few months ago, I went out for breakfast with my girlfriend. On my way home, my stomach started making some serious noises and I realized that I was not going to make it home before my intestines EXPLODED. Luckily, I was near my mom’s, so I ran inside and straight for the washroom, but my mom’s personal support worker was there giving her a shower. So I ran downstairs to the basement apartment my aunt lives in to use her washroom… And ran directly into my aunt and her new boyfriend (who I hadn’t met up until this point) who were having sex. At this point, I had no choicr, but to excuse myself and continue on to the washroom right beside the room they were in, where I did explode. And I am pretty sure I spoiled the mood. To this day, I have yet to meet my aunt’s boyfriend (well, the front of him anyway)

  308. I’m a nurse and used to have ‘on call’ shifts where I had to stay in the hospital. Went to go to bed one night but heard a noise in the sitting room,went in expecting to find an open window but instead found the new very quiet and reserved Dr reading a book. So flustered at finding him there and not knowing him well, instead of saying that I hadn’t realised he was there I blurted out ‘Oh hello, I’m in room 4’! Still cringe when I think about it.
    Another time while admitting a patient who had had bowel surgery, I asked why, thinking he maybe had some disorder like Crohn’s that we would need to know about. Instead he launched into a long story about how he and his wife had decided to experiment in the bedroom resulting in him ending up with something with the dimensions of a soft drink can stuck in his rectum. I was frantically trying to bring the conversation to an end as I was aware of the hush that had suddenly fallen around the only other occupied bed in the -very quiet- room. As I drew back the curtains to leave all eyes turned towards him!
    My very first ward as a student nurse was a gynaecology ward. Was given the job of giving all 4 women their suppositories as pre op preparation, the look of horror on the first woman’s face was priceless. I’d taken all 8 suppositories on one tray and she thought she was getting them all!!

  309. We had an employee who was not working out and I sent an instant message to my boss saying “We need to fire Dan”. Found out a few seconds later that I had sent the message to Dan.

  310. This was good. I once told a class full of highschoolers (I am a teacher) that I always cry my balls out at the end of certain movie (mix of bawl your eyes out and cry your eyes out). I still hear about it from younger siblings.

  311. Sitting in the local winery for lunch my husband looks out the window and says “the wine plants look so healthy!”. We now refer to all grapevines as wine plants, whether or not they are in a winery vineyard.

  312. In college I had a teacher from Spain who had married an American woman. He told stories about all the cultural problems he’d had moving over here. He said once he was in the Piggly Wiggly and wrote a check for his groceries. He handed over the check, and the cashier did a double-take and called over the manager. The new immigrant was standing there at the register, sweating, wondering what was happening. It turned out that he’d made the check out to “Porkly Piggly.”

  313. The woman I replaced at my job died several years after she left the position. Unfortunately, her creditors kept calling my office phone, hoping to get her. (From what I hear, she was not the most pleasant of ladies). Finally one day I lost my temper at a caller. I assumed that like all the others it was yet another creditor. I shrieked, “She’s not here and do you know why? She’s dead! Dead as door nail! Call the afterlife, you’ll have better luck!” On the other end of the phone I got a very tiny “Oh. This is so and so, an old family friend, I wanted to send a Christmas card.” I am still mortified!

  314. Just to let you know. Staying home sick from work today with breathing problems. Turns out I can’t read this without giving myself an asthma attack – in a good way. Bookmarking to read when I have time and energy to laugh for an hour or two