Mortification keeps us human. It’s like vitamins, but not.

Hey.  I’m back home and recuperating from the latest leg of the FURIOUSLY HAPPY Book Tour but everything on the news is dark and freaking me out so I’ve been reading the medicinally mortifying tweets people continue to send me.  Every time I think there can’t be more I’m proven wrong and at least one in every four is something that makes me scream,OHMYGOD ME TOO!” so that makes it even better.  Or worse.  Sort of both, maybe.

Part 1.

Part 2.

Part 3.

And now…part 4:

(Don’t read while eating/drinking/pretending to be normal.)

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80 thoughts on “Mortification keeps us human. It’s like vitamins, but not.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. These tweets make me want to write an ode about the amazingness of this tribe of wonderful misfits…. but I’m too busy doing something embarrassing

  2. Further proof that in the game of life, we’re really all on the same side.

    Go Team Awkward! jumps up, extending arms and legs like a cheerleader, splits pants

  3. These are so full of awesome, it overwhelms me. The condom wrapper stuck to the pants leg reminded me of a time a few years ago when my son was about 3 or 4 and found a used condom wrapper next to my bed. He indignantly showed it to me and said, “Who’s been eating candy in your bedroom?”. “Uh, yeah– I guess it was me. Caught me.” I can’t wait until he’s a teenager to share that story with him. Hopefully while he’s with a group of his friends.

  4. The other day I was on the first seat on a bus and was SO RELIEVED that my stop was next. Reached up to pull the cord, but the cord doesn’t start until 2 seats over, so I reached and reached and pulled and pulled but it wouldn’t ding. Slightly panicking, I continued to pull evenly upon it UNTIL IT SNAPPED OFF AND I ACCIDENTALLY WHACKED AN OLD MAN ON THE BACK OF THE HEAD REALLY HARD.

    Wanted to unlive so badly. Cannot take a bus ever again.

  5. Love that tweets from me and one of my oldest friends in the world made this volume. Well, not oldest, but longest term.

  6. I almost brushed my teeth with Vagisil. (the damn tube looked the same as my little tube of Crest. Note to self – always wear glasses in bathroom.) Rinsed like mad. Saw the warning about “if accidentally ingested, go to hospital” Thought about it. Decided I’d rather die of accidental Vagisil ingestion than of embarrassment.

    I’m still here.

  7. i’ve truncated email messages i missent. when the person replies “what”,
    i send
    “Message Truncated..19.240.777 code >>>><<<<<<….undelivered”with other random characters.
    then i will say ‘oh.. yeah someone must’uv hacked me’
    i truncate text messages as well.

  8. I never mastered getting off the ski lift. Once they made me ride it all the way back down for safety reasons and 90% of the people on their way up thought it would be funny to tell me I was going the wrong way. Haven’t been to a mountain since.

  9. Oh so many. Can’t share them all. I was once leaving a store with a cart and asked my 10 year old son to open the door for me. He waved his hands to set off the automatic doors. They weren’t automatic. Thus the help needed. He is now 15. We still occasionally tease him, asking him to get the electronic door.

  10. I once dropped my purse in a putt-putt golf water hazard. Tried to fish it out with putter. Dropped putter in water hazard too. My husband had to fish them BOTH out with his putter. It was a deep water hazard.

    I also dropped a macaroni and cheese noodle (it was a ziti noodle) into my cleavage at a restaurant. Had to fish it out because it was too hot!

    These are just a few of the examples of why my husband says “Can’t take you anywhere” no matter where we go. I’m actually quite nervous about Thanksgiving next week – I’m sure I’ll make a fool out of myself in front of my in-laws – again.

  11. Totally got excited that i made the cut… and then instantly remembered that this was a post of mortifying admissions, haha XO

  12. Getting ready to leave the hospital after having my son…
    Nurse: “Looks like you’re all ready to go home. Do you have any last minute questions?”
    Me: joking “Yeah, what’s the return policy?”
    Nurse: “Our what?”
    Me: running too far with the joke “Your return policy? You know, in case he’s defective.”
    Nurse looked horrified and disgusted…. I forgot that I had moved to the bible belt where they seem to have lost their sense of humor about things like returning defective babies….. I’m amazed they didn’t call CPS on me.

  13. Okay, I haven’t been on Twitter for a while, but these inspired me.

    We had a party at our house right after my now-husband and I moved in together. I celebrated way too much. He was in the bathroom and I thought he was throwing up and needed my help.

    In my drunken desire to stroke his hair and get him a cold washcloth, I picked the lock and found him taking a shit.

    We don’t speak of it.

  14. At my 50th birthday party this weekend, after everyone sang Happy Birthday, my response was “Right back at you!!” WTF was I thinking? I still don’t know. Luckily it was all family, and they’re used to me.

  15. Actor in high school. During a performance, entered thru a door attached to a fake wall. Entered with such force that wall came down.

  16. I love this so much. Please keep posting! I’m not on twitter but will share here that I can’t count the number of times I have panicked thinking I have lost my cell phone… searching EVERYWHERE… while I’m talking on it.

  17. Driving to a Dr appt, I sneezed, felt a loogie fly out of my mouth and couldn’t find it anywhere when I parked. Talking to Dr in the exam room, I pulled up my pant leg to show her my swollen ankle. Yep, there was this big old loogie on my pant leg. Dr didn’t flinch.

  18. sigh reading these tweets I laughed so hard that I simultaneously snorted and farted.

    At work.

    New job.
    Must now quit.

  19. Reading these seems to be causing me to create awkward moments. Today in coffee shop asked for a gingerbread and latte (Meant to say Gingerbread and Cream Latte). Also mis-dialled the councils number and told a complete stranger that I needed to report a change in circumstances, he was understandably confused.

  20. Another one: it was raining, and I was trying to save myself a trip by loading up all the grocery bags on one arm from out of the trunk. Grab bag of potatoes, use it to close trunk. Onto my jacket pocket, which had my keys in it, which I was still wearing. I had to drop everything to take off my jacket, and call my dad for the spare keys to get my jacket and keys out of the trunk.

    Last one: I was pregnant with both of my daughters when I worked as a waitress. I got used to saying “Excuse us” when navigating the restaurant with my baby belly. And I never stopped saying it. Kids are 10 and 8 now.

  21. One time I asked the librarian where the adult movies were. After she stared at me in horrified disbelief for a few seconds it dawned on me that “adult movies” is perhaps not the clearest way to describe the ones that aren’t in the children’s section. I tried to explain what I meant but I don’t think it helped, because every time I go back (thankfully it’s my sister’s library, not ours) she still gives me the side eye.

  22. A week ago my bf was driving me and all my stuff to the place where I was going to exhibit. After 45 minutes I realised I forgot to put on shoes, went on installing my art on house-slippers the rest of the day. So not proffesional D:

  23. @Kimberlee: I will be THIRTY-SIX in January, and my mom still says “Excuse us” when we are in public together. At this point, I just assume it will go on forever.

  24. In college I sent a text to my boyfriend saying “I got the lube and condoms ;-)” my friend Becky text back “this was not meant for me” I’d sent the text to the last person I was texting with, Becky, not my boyfriend. Mortified. 10 years later we’re still friends and she has the decency not to mention it.

  25. I’ve just lost close to 45# recently…..was hanging with my BF and her kids and got up to get a mimosa refill for her and I… shorts fell clean off me to the floor giving the 9 & 5 year olds a clear view of my naked butt. #timetogoshopping

  26. Another non twitter person. So many….

    Re: a gentlemen’s club that adopted a stretch of highway. “I didn’t know Bush did highway adoption.” Except it’s called Blush. “Blush! Blush!” Male friend in car with me “You’re not going to see much bush at Blush.”

    Went to visit friend for first time. For some reason I still don’t understand I walked up a path to a random downstairs apartment and opened the door. The tenant was surprisingly good natured about it.

    The time I said something to my mom about something not being like a baseball player putting vaseline on a baseball. Except I said vagesil.

    Fabulous kiss goodnight with guy I liked a lot. Hopped out of his van. Directly onto a patch of ice. Feet went out from under me and I went straight down onto the driveway

    College graduation. Didn’t hear all of the instructions on how to get back to seat after getting diploma. Was told to just follow the person in front of me. Turns out following the guy with a fork stuck in his mortar board is perhaps not the best idea.

    If I had a dime for every time aphasia led me to say something completely wrong at work, I’d be rich.

  27. At movies, accidentally took a sip of a coke that was not mine. Offered to get the coke’s owner a new straw.

  28. Almost contacted catalog retailer asking what the difference was between their high cut and hipster style ladies underwear, as the prices and descriptions were identical. Was thinking ‘hipster’ as in the kind of personal style, not ‘hipster’ as the cut of the briefs. This is not a retailer that would be selling anything to hipsters.

  29. I’m looking for a new job. Earlier today an employer emailed me to invite me to an interview. So excited! Started my response with “Dear Susanna.” Her name isn’t Susanna. MY name is Susanna. Pressed send before I realized. This job search might go on for longer than I’d hoped.

  30. My patient who didn’t want to go to therapy was laying in bed and I asked her if she was in pain.

  31. i had a patient that was laying in bed and didn’t want to go to therapy. I asked if she was in pain and she replied “Are you my daughter?”. I said, “No, I’m your occupational therapist,” thinking she was confused. She said, “I thought you asked what I was watching on tv. I’m hard of hearing, I don’t have dementia.” I felt like a dumbass.

  32. When creating table toppers for a large fund raiser, please note that “State University School of Public Health” with not spell check with “The State University School of PUBIC Health”. Hated that job anyways.

  33. My husband temped for me as a data entry clerk when I was on maternity leave. My boss said something complimentary about me, and my husband replied, “She just whizzes all over the keyboard!” He was referring to my typing speed…

  34. Oh god. So many.
    Saying “Have a great day!” as people come IN the shop where I work, stuttering because now I’m extra awkward and then because I still haven’t gotten it sorted out, saying “Hi, how are you?” when they leave.

    One time I was at a hotel pool with some friends and we were joking around. I said “I’m going in the deep end, watch my dive!” (Quoting Dane Cook and trying to be funny). I dove in and scraped my face along the bottom of the pool. I had to be woken up every two hours to check for concussion and I had scabs on my face for weeks.

    Walking down to the beach with my friends in high school, I tried to slide down the rail of some stairs. Forgot I was wearing a heavy ass backpack and tumbled backward down the stairs instead.

    Anytime I try to be sexy for my girlfriend, I trip. Without fail.

  35. Asked my husband once, “What IS the difference between Almond Joy and Mounds?” He sang me the song.

  36. Had a date with an great guy. Very excited about the date but totally calm going in. We sit down, order drinks and I begin talking, And. Could. Not. Stop. No matter what. Then proceed to knock a fork off the table while fidgeting, immediately followed by a second and completely forget the question he just asked me. Needless to day it went downhill from there and I didn’t hear from him again. head-desk head-desk head-desk

  37. My husband thought the song “Lunatic Fringe” by Tom Cochran/Red Rider was “Let Me Take French”. He figured it made sense since he’s “Canadian”

  38. In high school, went to a concert at the Air Force Academy in my hometown. The place is swarming with cute cadets, and I am (of course) pretending to be way cooler than I am while flirting and walking into the building. Instead, walked smack into the glass door. Knocked myself out. Friend laughed so hard she peed. We both agreed we should just go home.

  39. My three year old at dinner, confused look on face “mommy? Where’s my fork? It disappeared!” Starts to whine, tears coming. Me- “um did you check your hand?” Her- hysterical laughing. Only difference between us? She wasn’t embarrassed. We should all take some cues from toddlers!

  40. In the 90’s, when wearing thongs with the band showing above your low rider jeans was a thing with teenage girls, I walked up behind my 16 year old niece,and flicked the strap on her thong saying “what is this” in a teasing sort of way. When she turned around shocked it turned out to be her super shy friend who was staying with her for a few days. I stumbled over many “I’m sorry’s” and we didn’t make eye contact the rest of the evening. T

  41. Walked into work one morning to find class pet dead. In a panic, called male coworker and told him that the “rabbit had died.” Friend laughingly pulled me aside to tell me what the term meant.

  42. Thank you so much for sharing these. They have renewed my faith in humanity. God bless you ALL for sharing

  43. 4th grade, was asked to lead the Pledge of Allegence. So proud, stood and said, “Now I lay me down to sleep…”

  44. Just had one last night – was walking the dog. All the cats on our street come out to join the fun. One cat, a feral who my daughter named Spook, came along. I was talking to him, patting him, saying his name numerous times when he got spooked when a man came walking down the street. A black man, minding his own business, who had just heard me say, “Spook, how ya doing? How’s the spooky boy?” etc., very loudly. He made conversation as if he hadn’t heard me…. still embarrassed. BTW, I live in the deep south where racial epithets are not uncommon.

  45. My boss, after doing a poor job of pretending she wasn’t peeved at a couple who brought their baby to a social at her house despite the invitations specifying no kids, then offered them some Kentucky Fried Children. She turned so red I thought she might burst into flames.

  46. I laughed so hard at some of these! I have done a few of them myself, or something similar. Thanks to all who are brave enough to share your stories, and thank you for compiling them. This is so great!

  47. Thank you for these. We had to put our dog down last night and reading these has been the shining spot of my day today. Thank you, everyone for sharing your weirdness.

  48. Please please please print these as a collaborative book. Bonus points for illustrations.

  49. Thank you for sharing these. I have been laughing so hard, I feel like I’ve done sit-ups!! Woohoo!

  50. Once was standing in neighbor’s kitchen talking with husband and wife couple when I needed to release gas badly. Squeezed tight so it came out slowly, but it made a long, slow squeak. Neighbors both went to the window going “What was that? Some kind of animal?” I said I didn’t know, and left quickly.

  51. My girlfriend worked at a clothes store last year through exchange program, and a Japanese costumer entered and asked for “wrinkles”, or so she thought. Girlfriend asked her to repeat again (a few times), and then went to the manager to try to find out what exactly she meant. Turned out she was saying “raincoats”.

  52. I managed to awkward in the middle of explaining that I couldn’t remember my own awkwardness. This is the set of emails between a friend and me:
    Friend: So I’m sure you’ve seen the Bloggess is sharing people’s embarrassing stories. I had one that would go with them perfectly today – I tried three times to make toast in the toaster oven at work before realizing it wasn’t plugged in.
    Me: That is pretty good. When she first started sharing those I realized I must be repressing some memories. I can remember doing things that
    Me (again): ::sigh:: I hit send by accident. Hey does that count as one? I had been saying that I know I’ve done stuff that would fit the theme but I’ve totally forgotten what I did. My senility is kicking in early.
    (Hitting send on purpose this time.)

  53. So I take some risque photos for my husband on his birthday. I get them all edited nice and then realize that I need to get them printed. Totally felt like I was doing something illegal at the photo kiosk at Walmart. Turns out that in order to pick them up the lady needs to look at them first.. I practically shouted the only thing I could think of “They’re Artistic!” I paid and practically ran out of the store.

  54. These both make my day and make me think I should get a Twitter. To the poster who put phone in fridge, I’m glad to meet my soul sister. Mine once appeared in my freezer. Which fit, because the rapidly thawing frozen peas had apparently taken its spot in my purse.

  55. Husband is complaining that I am laughing too loudly and interrupting game night…..

    While at the library front desk to ask a question, the librarian asked my name…..and I promptly forgot. I just stared at her for what seemed like a bajillion minutes trying to remember. Finally had to check my library card to see what my own name was.

  56. Note to Past Self:
    Do not take a sip of water while beginning to read Awkward Tweets.
    The water will attempt to go down the wrong hole and then end up in your sinuses and it doesn’t feel super.
    Future Self
    Safe Drinking dear friends.

  57. I just found your blog, and I wanted to say that I’m going to bed a little happier tonight just knowing that you exist.

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