14th Argument I Had With Victor This Week:
Me: Why is it you put detached teeth in milk, but you put detached penises on ice?
Victor: First of all, I don’t do either. Secondly, what is wrong with you?
Me: I mean, if it happens you’re supposed to put ripped off penises on ice until they’re reattached but I always heard you put broken teeth in milk. But why?
Victor: Maybe because teeth are made of calcium?
Me: And penises are made of ice?
Victor: You make my head hurt.
Me: Maybe it’s because everyone always has ice but people run out of milk all the time? It’d suck to get your penis ripped off and then you go to the fridge and the milk jug is empty.
Victor: Yeah, that’s what would suck in this situation. The lack of milk.
Me: Or what if the milk expired tomorrow? Do you only have 24 hours to get your penis to the doctor?
Victor: Why would anyone put that off for 24 hours?
Me: Or maybe people use ice because it’s easier to find the penis. I don’t want to have to feel around in a pitcher of milk to find a severed penis.
Victor: You’d be hard pressed to find anyone who would.
Winner: Milk. It does a (severed) body (part) good. Apparently.
PS. This was not a sponsored post by milk. Just in case you were wondering.
122 thoughts on “The 14th argument I had with Victor this week.”
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Must. Not. Make. “Penis…the new white meat” joke.
There should’ve been a warning: do not read while at work, laughter will ensue.
Victor missed the logical argument. You put it on ice to make it easier to carry to the doctor. Because the cold makes it smaller you see…
Got milk? You’ll be sorry if you lose a tooth or a penis. :-). Jenny, I posted “Ode To The Bloggess” on my new blog.
“I don’t want to have to feel around in a pitcher of milk to find a severed penis.” I. Just. Died.
“Milk – skimmed, semi or full fat – maintains the correct fluid balance in the root, helping it survive longer.'” I work at a dental office, and I realized I didn’t even know why. Apparently water makes the tooth root cells swell too much.
OMG I seriously just laughed too loudly at work! Cannot explain to all male coworkers what is so hysterical funny!
I’d rather have an oreo.
Where my mind immediately went: https://youtu.be/PYwiwbgMusY
“What is wrong with you?” Victor is acting like he’s new here. The people need to know.
This isn’t really a topic any husband is going to welcome.
OMG, I so needed this today!!! Doug and I have similar arguments ALL THE TIME because I am just like you and he is just like Victor. (When I introduced him to you in Boston as “my Victor”, I wasn’t kidding.) I think you’d ice the penis mostly because the concept of combining “penis” and “dairy” makes it sound like a frozen treat of some kind. As does adding ice, now that I think about it. Damn … now I’m picturing REALLY inappropriate things on popsicle sticks.
Several months ago my 7yo son cracked his front tooth in half and we carefully transported his broken tooth in milk. Which the dentist then said was unusable (I don’t remember why). Then we accidentally left the glass behind (and it was one of our son’s favorites). Learn from my mistake– only used crappy cups that you don’t care about when transporting broken teeth to the dentist. Same for severed limbs too. Don’t use the good Tupperware! Use a plastic take-out container instead. You’ll never get it back!
I have to admit, I have never thought about what to put my husband’s severed penis in to go the hospital. The only reason that said penis would be severed is that he “dipped” it in a strange place, and then really, I don’t care what he puts it in to go to the hospital…. 🙂
I don’t even have ice, we don’t use it. I hope my husband’s penis never accidently becomes severed he’d be totally screwed. Can you imagine that conversation with a neighbor?
Knock Knock Knock
“Hi can I borrow some ice to place my husband’s severed penis in?”
Looks at severed penis in my hand incredulously
Yeah that’s not gonna go over well.
This seems relevant:
I can’t breathe, I’m laughing so hard.
I kind of wonder how you arrived at penises. I mean, detached fingers are usually the more obvious choice…
…or are they?
This is like a twisted riddle, and I’m still trying to figure it out in my brain. Fingers: ice; penis: ice; teeth: milk. So, ice for flesh, milk for bones? Here’s the thing, though…doesn’t flesh shrink up when it’s really cold? It seems like it would be problematic to reattach a penis when it’s cold and shrunken. Do they have to warm it up first? I have so many questions… (that I probably shouldn’t be asking).
I love love love your warped warped brain. We are kindred spirits!
You already made me laugh until I cried today with part 1 of Tweeting One’s Own Humiliation. And this…this.
So glad you’re back at home and back in action!
I will ask my husband what his preference is. Then I’ll see if that question helps his insomnia.
If the entire package were ripped off but otherwise intact, The package would float to the top because balls are buoyant and any air that is trapped in the scrote will make it more so. You’re welcome.
I can’t even tell you how much this reminds of conversations I have with my husband. It’s terrifying. I can imagine the look on Victor’s face so clearly.
I have to say if the tweet “What to do with a detachable penis:” came from ANYONE but you, I wouldn’t have clicked on the link.
In my finite but non-zero experience, there is no topic of conversation that brings women so much pleasure as the mutilation of men’s genitals. I hardly know what to make of that.
I’m currently experiencing the worst year of my life right now. Thank you for putting a little bit of sunshine in my day. Hugs.
MY GOD! Does Victor ever humor you? I read your book, and he always seems so intolerant, but in a loving way, mind you.
Oh, this reminds me very much of conversations I have with my husband. I don’t see him as intolerant at all, but as your straight man!
Why? Why? Why, do I ever read anything here while I’m at work? Eyes water. I try to stifle my laugh and snort instead. (Like that’s so much better.)
Oh nothing. Just heading to the liquor store for ingredients. Gonna concoct a new beverage. I’m thinking “Dick on the Rocks” will be the new Fuzzy Navel. Just you watch.
I see what I did there.
John Wayne Bobbit for the newest spokesperson for the American Dairy council?
Interestingly…I just blew milk out of my nose laughing at this.
Ok, cold makes the penis go teeny tiny… what if put it in ice, and it dissapears? I think I’ll put it in milk, cause my country has long-live milk that is not refrigerated… (third world fancies)… And yes, I’ll be thinking about penises in milk all the way back home from work.
Gotta say I’m a bit miffed at Jessica because that detachable penis song is crazy catchy! If you broke a tooth and severed your penis and only had one glass of milk I would use it to wash down an Advil.
You’re killing me, woman!
“MOM! Look what I found in my Lucky Charms!”
” Oh goodness, I’ve been looking for that everywhere. I could have sworn I put it in the freezer…”
This is mainly for Victor, if he has his penis ripped off, it’s important not to place it directly on ice. He or a loved one should pick up his dismembered member and place it in a zip lock plastic bag and then put it into an ice slurry and get Victor and his penis to the nearest hospital with microsurgery capability.
Well, I don’t know why Milk hasn’t approached you about a sponsorship yet.
Plus there’s the horror of pouring yourself a glass of milk, only to have a penis plop out into it. And let’s not even discuss drinking out of the carton…
Not because I have previous experience with this, but just as helpful first-aid FYI… to avoid frost-bite, severed body parts should not be put in direct contact with the ice. Put it in a plastic bag first, if possible. Probably easier said than done in the midst of a sudden severed appendage incident.
A severed dick in a bag of ice looks like a severed dick in a bag of ice.
A severed dick in a container of white milky liquid looks…like something else.
Use condensed milk if you REALLY want to watch the ER staff squirm.
I. Just. Can’t. Even…
“Got Milk” was easier, but this is good too. 😀
The real problem is only when you both wake up in the same house and one of you has teeth missing, and the other is missing a penis. Don’t look for ice, or milk- Just GET OUT NOW.
Oh, milk was there. I’m sure.
OMG! You are too much! Where did that conversation even come from…
Just as a little reality check, though that is rarely advised here, if you ever DO sever a limb (god forbid it should be a penis) then DO NOT put it on ice. Ice freezes and kills the tissue. Simply go as quickly as possible to an emergency room, and pray they have a micro surgeon around. Having cut off two of my own fingers with a table saw, I have experience with this…
@Jody: I think what is really needed is a “Got Penis” T-shirt. Then everyone can relax and not worry about running out of milk or ice.
This is the 14th argument you’ve had with Victor this week? I am mighty curious what the previous 13 must have been about.
I think it but you say it!
You are the ticket, girl!!
The milk lobby couldn’t buy this kind of awesome publicity! They really should pay you.
If you put a lost penis in ice, and a lost tooth in milk, just what do you put a lost breast in?
RE: Natalie | November 19, 2015 at 1:58 pm
Where my mind immediately went: https://youtu.be/PYwiwbgMusY
ME, TOO, Natalie! Immediately!
And how awesome is it that there are actual answers in this comment thread? Like, Brenda P’s tooth root likes milk explanation! And everyone else pointing out that you don’t put naked, severed flesh directly on ice otherwise there will be frostbite! SO helpful!
Also, RE: Gary Lum | November 19, 2015 at 3:00 pm
…get Victor and his penis to the nearest hospital with microsurgery capability.
^^ OMGLOOK! Gary just insulted Victor’s manhood with that microsurgery quip! How does Victor feel about this? If only Victor would learn not to argue, strangers on the internet wouldn’t be dissin’ his penis size. When will Victor learn? When? Also, who thought “microsurgeon” was a good name for that particular specialization?
Personally, I think reattaching teeth is more important than penises. But that’s just me.
They reattach teeth? I thought they just made porcelain caps. I won’t say anything about porcelain penises.
My anxiety is playing up pretty hard this morning, and this post was just what I needed. Thank you. I not only smiled, but I laughed. Out loud. At my work desk.
ICD-10 diagnosis code 64.3 – amputation of penis
Man, this is why I buy almond milk instead.
I needed the laugh today. Thanks!
Makes perfectly good sense to me. Besides, milk tastes like shit. Good to know its good for something.
This is one of the best posts and comment streams ever!
You just got home, geez Victor, give it a rest!
If you are, unfortunately, out of milk, you can also spit in a cup and use the saliva to keep the tooth moist. Or store it between your teeth and your gums. Whole milk IS best, but those are good back up options.
I, uh, probably wouldn’t recommend either of those backups for the severed penis, though. Especially the ‘between teeth and gums’ option.
I swear…when using knives and alone in the kitchen I often nervously wonder what exactly I’m supposed to do if I accidentally drop the knife and chop off a toe or something. Does it go on ice? Does it go in milk? And then I chastise myself because this is surely NOT a normal train of thought when someone is slicing an apple or something. 🙂 Thanks for uniting people and their weirdness.
Ugh, too many rules to remember…how about we just put all our severed/broken body parts in milk and then put the whole thing in the freezer.
Penises should come with a warning ‘careful, don’t put in ice unless detached’
listen to “detachable penis” by king missile!!!! a great song 🙂
Laughed until I cried at this post, and kept laughing as I read the comments
Since we’re talking detachable penises…. you should totally watch this movie, “Bad Biology”. It features a runaway penis suffering from steroid addiction.
All the best things are wrong with you. Never change.
I want to see one of your “arguments” in a commercial… just to see how much the product would sell afterwards. BECAUSE… I don’t usually even drink milk unless it’s almost milk or sometimes soy milk. But not cow’s milk. However, if a semi-crazy chick was rambling on about the potential need to keep milk on hand in the event of severed penis first aid which isn’t even an issue since everyone who paid attention to the Bobbitt case knows yes, they require ice and potentially a Lysol wipe to clean off the grass clippings, I’d at least keep a quart of milk on hand. And I don’t even own or operate a penis in the household! That sounded a lot better in my head.
Point is, I’m sure I’m not alone. On the commercial thing.
Oops almond milk, not almost milk. That made me giggle.
(choking here) I have really got to learn to come here when I am NOT eating or drinking…..
Penises on Ice–that would be a great holiday show to take the kids to.
I’m wondering what scientific genius came up with the whole broken teeth in milk thing. Or was it just some guy who got his teeth knocked out, and hollered “Got ice?” Which sounded more like “Got Ithhh?” But the ice maker was on the fritz, so someone shoved a carton of milk at him instead because it was the only thing in the fridge.
Okay gotta go with Victor on this one. Why WOULD anyone put that off?
This is what I like about your blog – I never know what you will write about. I’m always surprised, which means I should no longer be surprised at all.
Should this ever happen to me, and I hope it will not, (I hide all the sharp knives when she has that look in her eye, and throw chocolate while I make my escape), I’m so glad I live in Texas, and always make sure there’s a goodly supply of Bluebell Ice Cream in the freezer. Milk and Ice, Ice and Milk.
Me: You have to listen to this. Have you ever read The Blogess before?
Me: [reading the blog out loud]
Him: [loud silence]
Me: [snorting, crying, becoming slanted] “Yah, that’s what would suck about this situation.”
Him: I’m taking the dog out.
Me: [getting louder, more fluids leaking] “Why would anyone put that off for 24 hours?!”
Him: That’s weird. C’mon, Chaz.
OMG. Who knew? I have my own Victor!
What to use if you’re vegan? Will soy milk suffice? What about almond milk? Though if you’re vegan, you probably don’t have much concern for a severed sausage.
Yes. Because THAT is what we were wondering.
Why would you put teeth in milk? I mean, they aren’t going to reform?! Are they?
Can you grow a whole set on it’s own in there ?
See, this is why all milk in Europe is pasteurized. Makes the penises keep much, much longer.
Problem with this world is that people don’t think ahead. You totally won, Jenny.
In Finland we’re taught to keep fallen teeth in the mouth until you get to dentist. I don’t recommend that with penii – either direction, it’s just an accident waiting to happen. Or most probably an accident that will turn worse.
I broke a tooth today and was JUST looking up what to do about it before I visited your blog, so this information about milk was super timely. I’m now both pleased and somewhat disappointed that it was the tooth part that I could relate to, and not the severed penis part.
I really wish Victor would start his own blog..I think he perspective on these conversations and such would be a great and funny addition! I have a Jenny in my life…and I am his victor….so Victor..come on out and join us!!
I found the theme song for your post
I was thinking about this whole milk and penis thing on my way to work to this morning at 6:15 a.m.!!! Thought of another good use for milk….squirting it through ones nose. Cows make milk for cows to drink….yes my rambling thoughts! 🙂
Oh, my. Deep, deep giggling. It does a body good, penis or none. A dentist once gave us the advice about putting the tooth in milk, though, as it turned out, she fashioned a new half tooth from dental stuff. Glad to say, we’ve not been in the severed penis situation.
I think I just spewed milk out of my nose…
I made the mistake of reading this at work. Now people think my allergies have taken a strange turn. But, hey–they keep offering me meds, so score!
These are my favorite posts, btw. happy
You use ice for the penis to ensure a more compact, easily transportable size. Shrinkage can be valuable in specific, rare occasions.
Okay, folks. As a former dental hygienist, let me clarify the broken tooth part. Not the penis part. Someone else can handle that. 🙂
A broken tooth cannot be reattached, but an avulsed permanent tooth, one that has been knocked out of the mouth but with an intact root, can be re-implanted. Here are some guidelines:
The first 5 minutes after avulsion—
Make sure it is a permanent tooth (primary teeth should not be replanted).
Keep the patient calm.
Find the tooth and pick it up by the crown (the white part). Avoid touching the root.
If the tooth is dirty, wash it briefly (10 seconds) under cold running water and re-position it. Try to encourage the patient / parent to replant the tooth. Bite on a handkerchief to hold it in position.
If this is not possible, place the tooth in a suitable storage medium, e.g. a glass of milk or the patient’s own saliva. Avoid storage in water!
Seek emergency dental treatment immediately.
Beyond 5 minutes: Storage/transportation in cold milk or the patient’s own saliva will prevent the avulsed tooth from drying but survival is determined by the factors just described, rather than choice of transport liquid. Any longer than this, a tooth essentially becomes a ‘graft’ (no longer recognized by the body as ‘self’) and affects the ability to regenerate periodontal ligament cells — the living cells on the root surfaces that connect them to the bone of the tooth socket.
The best way to transport a tooth to the hospital is to put it in your mouth…but I wouldn’t suggest that for penises. Especially more than one at a time.
Teeth stay crispy even in milk. Penises, not so much.
Does Victor not know you at all? Or is he deliberately baiting you? Either way, gotta love the man!
This. Is. Us. All of us.
By Liat Aharoni:
There are boys
who are going to promise you
forevers in song,
in words that are just so damned pretty
they will be hard to resist.
You’re their dream girl.
Beautiful, strong, independent.
Forever, they sigh, forever.
But their forevers come
with hidden terms and conditions, their love is a secret contract,
with addendum and asterisks.
Forever is only
until you start dreaming too much, talking too loudly,
kissing too strongly,
and debating too heatedly.
It’s not girl-like, they will say,
you’re hard to understand, they will rationalise,
impossible for anyone to put up with
let alone love.
Can’t you be beautiful in limitation?
Strong sometimes but weak more often?
Independent whilst being helpless?
They will ask you to be
all these impractical things
without thinking that these
are all the same qualities
they once fell in love with.
They are going to make you doubt yourself, beautiful.
And even then, even when they have wronged you,
misunderstood your debates for insolence
misinterpreted your strength for arrogance,
you will reach inside yourself
to find the things they are looking for,
because you want — you need to be loved.
You will learn to talk quietly,
dream a little less,
let him kiss you instead.
You do not need to change yourself,
for boys who fell in love with
a beautiful, wild thing
that they are too ill equipped
and must cage to ‘handle’.
You do not make yourself less
when you are a comet filled with such power and intensity,
that you are
waiting to blaze
across this universe.
You are unexplored, unusual
and frighteningly beautiful.
And only a few will understand
the way to love you
without breaking you
and making you dangerous.
why can’t you like comments?!?!
The logical answer is clearly b/c the I in “ice” comes before the E in “tEeth”
I am so glad Victor told you he does neither. Keeps us all from wondering:). And says something good about him . . .
I didn’t know you were supposed to put detached teeth in milk, but that’s why I keep coming back here. It’s so educational.
But this just makes me think about my teachers who put nails in Coke and would show us how the nails dissolved. There was supposed to be a lesson in that but I don’t know what. Maybe it was don’t put your nails in Coke. OR YOUR SEVERED PENIS.
My teachers couldn’t demonstrate the latter because they didn’t have severed penises. Thanks, budget cuts.
The heck with not reading it at work. Don’t read it if you have to go potty.
So help me, this would have been dangerous.
If you’re putting the penis in milk, you have to add an acid and salt too.
Milk by itself isn’t a proper marinade.
The song “Detachable Penis” by King Missile makes great soundtrack for this argument!
Victor: Yeah, that’s what would suck in this situation. The lack of milk.
Literally drinking milk and it SHOT out of my NOSE when I read that.
Jenny, I love your arguments. I came across Furiously Happy on a Facebook NPR link. I don’t know if you’ll see this. I don’t tweet, or blog, so I can’t hashtag events or sayings or whatnots. I’m reading your books on backwards order. I love them. They came at just the right time in my depression. Runs in my family. Both parents, me, my husband. How do you do it? A marriage with depression? Victor seems like a rock, and though I absolutely love my husband, when both of us are having battles at the same time- our worlds fall apart. Do you ever experience this? Anyone out there battling episodes not of just your own but also with a spouse? You’ve cultivated the masks pretty well as an adult when you have depression, and now with children the masks become more refined.
(I can’t imagine how difficult that must be. I’m sending you enormous high-fives for being so incredibly strong and here’s what little advice I have to give: I try to be honest about my issues to my family so that when Victor isn’t here – he travels a lot – I can depend on a friend or family to help if things get desperate. I try to tell ppl exactly what I need so that they understand. I’m honest with Hailey when I’m too tired to do anything but snuggle on the couch with her and watch Dr. Who. I remind myself that depression lies and that I’ll be okay again. And i will. You will too. Keep being strong. ~ Jenny)
When I saw the first comment of microsurgery as it was directed mainly to Victor I thought it was cruel joke about size. Then I learned from another comment that microsurgery is for severed parts. The more you know.
As for the post, shocked and appalled milk wouldn’t sponsor it.
Ice cream seems like a cover your bases compromise, just in case you find yourself in that kind of situation.
I pity the poor, unsuspecting pillars of society who Google search ‘suck’ and ‘penis’ from this day forth…..
I had a coworker, now moved on to other employment, who would regularly say to me “What is wrong with you” or “Why do you know that?” (often hand in hand with one another). She got a little complacent for awhile, and I didn’t hear it for a time, and then I tried harder. I don’t know, something about that phrase makes me smile, in this sort of context.
That does it. From now on, I’m storing all my severed body parts in ice cream just to make sure.
Not sure which is funnier – the argument between you and Victor… or the comment under it!
What if you only have almond milk and strawberry icepops? Then what?
I can only say thanks for the laughs. I love weird,bizarre humor.I am now a fan and reader of Jenny Lawson.
Lorena Bobbit used neither. If I recall correctly she threw John Wayne’s severed penis in a shrub.
Thank you for the laugh that I needed for this suck-tastic week I’m having. I love the holidays and hate them at the same time (my anxiety goes full tilt, as I’m sure you understand). So, I greatly appreciate the humor you’ve given so that I can laugh in spite of a panic attack. Thank you!
that.is.not.a.straw. I repeat NOT A STRAW!!