Virgin toast

Hey, y’all.

According to twitter it is #NationalToastDay and I was like, Wasn’t #NationalMargaritaDay just a few hours ago?  Because it seems like we could have just combined them.  But turns out that twitter is referring to the toast that’s less alcoholic good-wishes and more just well-done bread.  And then I was disappointed.  Until I remembered my Virgin Mary toast stamper, which is lovely because who wants to eat toast that isn’t a virgin?  Ew.  As the wise old saying goes: “No one wants to eat a sandwich that somebody else has fucked.”  (That might not actually be a well-known saying but I’m pretty sure I heard it in a movie once.)

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PS. I just went to get a link to the Virgin Mary bread stamper and Amazon was like, “You like that?  You’re gonna love this shit.  Make grilled cheese with Jesus.  GRILLED CHEESUS, MOTHERFUCKERS.”  Plus, it looks a lot like Eva Peron so it works for non-Christians too.  DOUBLE MIRACLE.

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Happy National Toast Day, you guys.

 

99 thoughts on “Virgin toast

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I’m worried that I might be going to hell because I don’t see Jesus in the toast. To me it looks more like Godzilla holding a bouquet of flowers.

  2. Put a little strawberry jelly on it, to make it look like it is crying tears of blood. Good times!

  3. That needs to be a t-shirt. I’d buy it.

    Virgin Toast
    (With image)
    because nobody wants to eat a sandwich that somebody else has fucked

    Im totally going to hell for wanting that, arent I?

  4. Jenny-
    You and Amazon are gonna make me broke. I have already bought two creature cups, two creepy cups and the sloth mug. My mother in law didn’t appreciate her creature cup AT ALL. The other three were received with delight. She may like her Jeaus grilled cheesus maker WAY more.

  5. I like my toast unadorned, but the virgin mary stamp is pretty tempting because it’s kinda awesome. I don’t know why but looking at the cheesus (I’m so going to use that term now) and I couldn’t see jesus right away – it looked like a map of England or something LOL.

  6. MizWeirdo Comment #5 – ‘Yeah Toast’ is the best! Makes my granddaughter laugh every time!
    I’m hoping Jenny can change National Toast Day to National ‘Toast’ Day so combining National Margarita Day could be a given.
    A Twofer!
    I’ll bet you can, too, Jenny!

  7. Aaaaand I need more coffee because I put my email instead of my name so now everyone can send me messages about going to hell over a virgin toast t-shirt. sigh

  8. Jeebus, the Jesus toast maker is nearly $40! But perhaps it’s a bargain if someday it get’s you past the pearly gates. (Imaginary conversation after I’m dead):
    “I see here that you lived that contained nearly as much sin as good. I’m not sure if I can let you in”.
    “I once bought a Jesus toast maker”.
    “You’re in!”
    high fives all around

  9. “No one wants to eat a sandwich that somebody else has fucked.”
    I think that’s from What We Do In The Shadows, vampires discussing why they prefer virgins.

    (YES! I knew it was from a movie. ~ Jenny)

  10. I want one that toasts an image of Edgar Allen Poe on my bread. Why hasn’t someone made a Poe Toaster yet?

  11. Too funny. Reminds me of my Mom. When she’s in a panic situation and she yells ” Oh Jesus!” it always sounds like “Oh Cheezits!”

  12. I start giggling as soon as I see your blog post notification in my email inbox. Great way to start the day! Thank you, Jesus, Mary, & Jenny!

  13. “Yeah, toast” is done by comedian Heywood Banks. I believe he destroys a toaster in all of his shows.

  14. I can’t believe there actually is a Grilled Cheesus, I thought I’d made that one up. But then again, I should’ve known there’s nothing original in this world.

  15. Random toast questions. …does anyone else’s family just pile pats of unmelted butter on the toast and serve it that way ? I like my butter melted in. Also, do you think it’s redundant to put both butter and peanut butter on your toast?

    (Butter is never redundant. Hot-buttered butter is acceptable in my book. ~ Jenny)

  16. Yes. I too know and love the toast song. But since Jenny is a Texan, she’ll appreciate this version… (the version with the burnt toast verse is also awesome for the record)

  17. The only thing better would be Jesus wearing a T-shirt that had a picture of toast on it. Or a T-shirt with a picture of Jesus wearing a T-shirt that had a picture of toast on it. Either way.

  18. Toast Day! I have Elvis toast. [url=https://flic.kr/p/fNjH6][img]https://farm1.staticflickr.com/59/167469031_92f378b91b_o.jpg[/img][/url][url=https://flic.kr/p/fNjH6]ElvisToast[/url] by [url=https://www.flickr.com/photos/smglass/]aka_monty[/url], on Flickr

  19. MizWeirdo Comment #5 – If you want a song about Toast, there’s always:

    How Paul Young went on to be a star after this, is beyond my understanding!

  20. All I can say is it is a good thing it is national toast day cause I need some serious carbs to soak the results of national margarita day that is left in my gut 🙂

  21. I’m pretty sure the Toast Board (in the Jasper Fforde Thursday Next series, there totally is one of those) will be pretty upset by you slut shaming non-virgin bread stuffs. And, in other news, I can’t tell what that second toast is either, but I think Rory toast would be AMAZING!!!

  22. I can’t help but feel that Toast Day is a colossal letdown after Margarita Day.

    Imagine being out with friends at a bar, and at the stroke of midnight the bartender says, “Sorry, folks, we’re outta booze. Here, have some slightly charred bread on the house.” Shit’s gonna get ugly.

  23. For all those here who’ve mentioned Heywood Banks: he also turned “Toast” into a kids’ book. I have a signed copy. At the book signing I went to he played “Toast” and other songs and at one point cut his hotel key card into a guitar pick. He explained he’d been through at least five hotel key cards already.
    Someone mentioned that he was in Nashville and at least half the audience were musicians. If he’d only asked he could have had his pick.

    http://www.shop.heywoodbanks.com/images/1009.jpg

  24. This reminds me of a work by Charles Burns — Bliss Blister — who was a child evangelist whose sleazy father burned him with a Jesus brand. And then everyone would come up and touch it… and be healed…

  25. Happy virgin toast day. Put some butter on that shit because I hear that virgin toast is dry as hell 😉 Or maybe that was the menopausal toast. I always confuse the two.

  26. I would like to follow up on my earlier comment to say that while the husband has vetoed my suggestions as Christmas gifts for his parents, I did get tasty grilled cheese for dinner. No Cheesus on it, but if you squinted and looked at it sideways it sort of resembled NPH.

  27. I have a grilled Cheesus maker and it makes wonderful sammiches with a grand imprint of Jesus on it, just like the one shown above. It is hilarious and thus proves that my god has a wubbulous sense of humor and the absurd and wants to nourish my insanity along with my craving for grilled peanut butter and bacon “cheesus'” Try it!

  28. I made sure my tuna sandwich tonight was on toasted bread in honor of the day and in honor of my grandfather who always had his bread toasted (because who wants to eat “raw bread”).

    If only Rocky Horror was playing nearby. That would be the perfect zenith to this auspicious occasion.

  29. I once sent a friend a bobble head Jesus as a house warming gift — because friendships based on irreverence, impropriety and sarcasm are one of the great blessings in life, and you need to nurture the hell out of that shit.
    Jesus said.
    I’m sure of it.

  30. Cheesus is my dog’s (Beru) lord and savior. All her meal prayers start out with “Our lord Cheesus, who died on the grater for us…”

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  32. So now I’m feeling oh so inadequate. Not only do I not own either stamper–I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TOAST YESTERDAY! But today is National Tortilla Chip Day (not kidding). So, you could make up for the margarita day also–today:).

  33. I can’t believe I missed National Toast Day. The one day I don’t eat toast and it turns out to be the most important day to eat toast.

  34. OMG, for a moment there it felt like a test. I thought I wasn’t religious enough (spoiler/confirmation: I’m not) because instead of the face of Jesus on the Grilled Cheesus, I was seeing a large TRex type monster. LOL. Eventually, I saw Jesus. 😀

  35. I’m so confused that products like this not only exist in the world, but PEOPLE BUY THEM. And they buy them often enough to make them VIABLE PRODUCTS. It’s a strange society we live in. Maybe us “mentally ill” people are actually the sane ones, and everyone else is nutty. Just a thought.

  36. “No one wants to eat a sandwich that somebody else has fucked.”
    Omg, totally just laughed out loud on the bus and tried to pretend it was a cough but ended up sounding more nutty instead…
    Happy Toast Day everyone!

  37. Weird. My recommendations were a dashboard Jesus (one of my favorite songs, by the way) and Last Supper breath mints. Which really makes me think you can sell anything if you put a Bible reference on it.

  38. Wonders if I bought the Virgin Mary maker if I could sell the toast on eBay as miracle toast if I sprinkle it with holy water and make a killing

  39. Thank you soooo much for this post- grilled cheesus is going to keep me laughing for days! I so needed that laugh!

  40. The movie was “What We Do In The Shadows”, one of the funniest mockumentaries I’ve ever seen. Spoken by Jemaine Clement.

  41. We have this! Or, we “had” this I guess. My 10 year old son was making toast, and I remembered that my father had bought one of these stamps and given it to me to “trick” my family into believing in the miracle of holy food existence (I know, but I did agree that it might be funny – as it turned out it was more then just funny). I called him into my room where I was enjoying my evening meal of Cheeze-its and Coca Cola and let him in on the plan. I told him where to find the stamp and gave him the instructions to just press it into the bread and put it in the toaster. Now, I’m going to pause here for a moment to tell you about my son. He is in the 5th grade and the youngest in his class. He is in the Horizons program for gifted children. In the first grade he scored high enough on a standardized test to qualify him to be a member of Mensa. He is a very smart boy. So, back to the toast. He returned to the kitchen and I waited to see what would happen. After a bit I sort of smelled something “off”, but I shook it off considering we are now the proud owners of three cats that my parents insisted each time the brought one over, that the cat was just visiting us and would eventually return to their house. They also swore that all of these cats were girls, even though one of them now has an impressive set of balls. So the smell could very well be coming from a cat’s misadventure with a candle, or early onset dementia which only affects their memory of where the litter box lives. Another minute went by, and my husband who had been in the kitchen this whole time loudly asks “what the hell is that smell?” My son had left the immediate kitchen area and his toast project to return to his room to look up weird things on youtube. And, you might think you know what strange things a 10 year old boy might want to look up on youtube, but in my experience, you do not. My son loves looking up educational things, I mean LOVES it. He knows so many random facts about countries I had never even heard of to begin with. It is his mission to know their population, GNP, type of government and well it just goes on and on. Now, I used to be super impressed with this, but now I find myself just zoning out when he starts talking about socialism vs communism. I know, I’m a bad mother whatever. My husband has now located the smell which is, of course, coming from the toaster. Our genius child has melted the plastic stamp in the toaster. Awesome. When he came to answer for this, he listened quietly as my husband explained that he had lost all toaster privileges for the foreseeable future, and then he looked at me. “Let’s never mention this again,” he said more to me then his father, probably because he just know me so well. Now, I’d like to say this is the first time I’ve told this story since it happened less then two weeks ago, but that would be lying. It’s human nature really, and I simply can’t help myself, I’m telling everyone. It kind of balances the other stories I tell about him that sound braggy because most people’s children do not understand politics, economic history or physics just yet. So, I’m using it to make him seem more normal. I think it’s working!

  42. HYSTERICAL! Thank you for always making me laugh when I really need to. (Which is most days!)

  43. Oh sorry, I am not anonymous……I’m apparently “postalingly challenged”. It’s me, Dorothy Lee, I’ve been on a postal/pain bender for awhile I guess. It could also be because I no longer have a computer, nor wireless/Internet. So I must used my phone, thus my eyesight/fat fingers disable me. Gaaaaack!

  44. Oh sorry, I am not anonymous……I’m apparently “postalingly challenged”. It’s me, Dorothy Lee, I’ve been on a postal/pain bender for awhile I guess. It could also be because I no longer have a computer, nor wireless/Internet. So I must used my phone, thus my eyesight/fat fingers disable me. Gaaaaack!

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