Virgin toast

Hey, y’all.

According to twitter it is #NationalToastDay and I was like, Wasn’t #NationalMargaritaDay just a few hours ago?  Because it seems like we could have just combined them.  But turns out that twitter is referring to the toast that’s less alcoholic good-wishes and more just well-done bread.  And then I was disappointed.  Until I remembered my Virgin Mary toast stamper, which is lovely because who wants to eat toast that isn’t a virgin?  Ew.  As the wise old saying goes: “No one wants to eat a sandwich that somebody else has fucked.”  (That might not actually be a well-known saying but I’m pretty sure I heard it in a movie once.)

Screen Shot 2016-02-23 at 8.23.31 AM

PS. I just went to get a link to the Virgin Mary bread stamper and Amazon was like, “You like that?  You’re gonna love this shit.  Make grilled cheese with Jesus.  GRILLED CHEESUS, MOTHERFUCKERS.”  Plus, it looks a lot like Eva Peron so it works for non-Christians too.  DOUBLE MIRACLE.

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Happy National Toast Day, you guys.

 

99 replies. read them below or add one

  1. If you can’t toast your own Jesus, you can grow one too. http://www.amazon.com/dgp-Grow-Your-Own-Jesus/dp/B00114WHD2
    Here’s to you, toast.

    Kristine @ MumRevised recently posted A Zombie Mouse Ruined my Weekend.

  2. Ha! One of my friends totally has the Grilled Cheesus!

    Happy Toast Day! I’m a celebrate with toast and cheese. Because cheese.

    Quirky Chrissy recently posted Fighting Jealousy: Slaying My Green-Eyed Monster.

  3. I don’t understand the second image… is that Pluto holding a baby kangaroo? If so, I definitely want one.

    notquiteold recently posted Doggy Bag.

  4. It was probably created to soak up all of the Margarita …. lol

  5. The very first thing I thought about when I saw this post was a song that is actually on my playlist, which is – I shit you not – a little ditty about toast. And it’s hilarious.
    Enjoy!:
    https://youtu.be/c0NdwzdOLkE

  6. I’m worried that I might be going to hell because I don’t see Jesus in the toast. To me it looks more like Godzilla holding a bouquet of flowers.

  7. The grilled cheese is confusing to me…I see Godzilla eating perhaps a wallaby?

  8. Put a little strawberry jelly on it, to make it look like it is crying tears of blood. Good times!

  9. 9
    Unseelieme@gmail.com

    That needs to be a t-shirt. I’d buy it.

    Virgin Toast
    (With image)
    because nobody wants to eat a sandwich that somebody else has fucked

    Im totally going to hell for wanting that, arent I?

  10. Jenny-
    You and Amazon are gonna make me broke. I have already bought two creature cups, two creepy cups and the sloth mug. My mother in law didn’t appreciate her creature cup AT ALL. The other three were received with delight. She may like her Jeaus grilled cheesus maker WAY more.

  11. Now I have to go eat some toast.

    Cassandra recently posted Twenty-One Thoughts on My Daughter’s 21st Birthday.

  12. I like my toast unadorned, but the virgin mary stamp is pretty tempting because it’s kinda awesome. I don’t know why but looking at the cheesus (I’m so going to use that term now) and I couldn’t see jesus right away – it looked like a map of England or something LOL.

  13. MizWeirdo Comment #5 – ‘Yeah Toast’ is the best! Makes my granddaughter laugh every time!
    I’m hoping Jenny can change National Toast Day to National ‘Toast’ Day so combining National Margarita Day could be a given.
    A Twofer!
    I’ll bet you can, too, Jenny!

  14. Would love to sneak this onto the plate of my crazy neighbor, who sees Jesus in the kudzu and in the spaghetti stain on her paper plate. I would totally deny seeing it.

  15. Your own personal toasted Jesus

    Michelle recently posted Junk Mail Is Trying To Make Me Feel Bad.

  16. Aaaaand I need more coffee because I put my email instead of my name so now everyone can send me messages about going to hell over a virgin toast t-shirt. sigh

  17. Jeebus, the Jesus toast maker is nearly $40! But perhaps it’s a bargain if someday it get’s you past the pearly gates. (Imaginary conversation after I’m dead):
    “I see here that you lived that contained nearly as much sin as good. I’m not sure if I can let you in”.
    “I once bought a Jesus toast maker”.
    “You’re in!”
    high fives all around

    Gina W. recently posted "Magical Nipples" (NSFW! In case you can't tell from the title).

  18. who doesn’t love toast? Bu seriously why is every day some kinda “day”…and what shoes did you decide on Jenny?

    Hellion recently posted Top Ten Things I Learned From Mom.

  19. The perfect guest for the would-be presidential hopefuls …

    Elyse recently posted Separated at Birth or Spawning?.

  20. Now I want grilled cheezus for lunch…

  21. 22
    ocularnervosa

    The Virgin Toast thing is better than the Why Buy The Cow thing.

  22. “No one wants to eat a sandwich that somebody else has fucked.”
    I think that’s from What We Do In The Shadows, vampires discussing why they prefer virgins.

    (YES! I knew it was from a movie. ~ Jenny)

  23. My MIL probably wouldn’t like these and pointing out that this is closure to consuming the body of Christ than what they give you in church wouldn’t go over well either.

  24. Ha! I’m eating toast right now. I toast my toast in a toast.

    susielindau recently posted When Life Imitates Art.

  25. I want one that toasts an image of Edgar Allen Poe on my bread. Why hasn’t someone made a Poe Toaster yet?

  26. Too funny. Reminds me of my Mom. When she’s in a panic situation and she yells ” Oh Jesus!” it always sounds like “Oh Cheezits!”

  27. I start giggling as soon as I see your blog post notification in my email inbox. Great way to start the day! Thank you, Jesus, Mary, & Jenny!

  28. I prefer virgin toast because i don’t want to eat toast that has had sex.

    theycallmetater recently posted Friday’s Tater’s Takes.

  29. “Yeah, toast” is done by comedian Heywood Banks. I believe he destroys a toaster in all of his shows.

  30. I can’t believe there actually is a Grilled Cheesus, I thought I’d made that one up. But then again, I should’ve known there’s nothing original in this world.

    janice recently posted Sometimes My Face + Hair Color Confuses People.

  31. Random toast questions. …does anyone else’s family just pile pats of unmelted butter on the toast and serve it that way ? I like my butter melted in. Also, do you think it’s redundant to put both butter and peanut butter on your toast?

    (Butter is never redundant. Hot-buttered butter is acceptable in my book. ~ Jenny)

    onegirlbreathing recently posted 110%.

  32. Yes. I too know and love the toast song. But since Jenny is a Texan, she’ll appreciate this version… (the version with the burnt toast verse is also awesome for the record)

  33. And then I missed the mother fucking link…https://youtu.be/8yfxjnySmBI

  34. The only thing better would be Jesus wearing a T-shirt that had a picture of toast on it. Or a T-shirt with a picture of Jesus wearing a T-shirt that had a picture of toast on it. Either way.

    mydangblog recently posted My Week 73: Quirky Conferences, Motion Detector Lights.

  35. You have a Virgin Mary toast stamper? I love you even more than I did.

  36. Too many EAT ME jokes. I’m going to hell.

    Half a 1000 Miles recently posted Unexpected Foul Objects.

  37. Toast Day! I have Elvis toast. [url=https://flic.kr/p/fNjH6][img]https://farm1.staticflickr.com/59/167469031_92f378b91b_o.jpg[/img][/url][url=https://flic.kr/p/fNjH6]ElvisToast[/url] by [url=https://www.flickr.com/photos/smglass/]aka_monty[/url], on Flickr

    Shannon akaMonty recently posted "That Moment When Your Heart Explodes From BlogAwesome" #FakeUpworthyTitle.

  38. Whoops, clearly I am too analog to post a picture here. 🙂 https://flic.kr/p/fNjH6

    Shannon akaMonty recently posted "That Moment When Your Heart Explodes From BlogAwesome" #FakeUpworthyTitle.

  39. I’m going to be giggling about Grilled Cheesus all day now.

  40. MizWeirdo Comment #5 – If you want a song about Toast, there’s always:

    How Paul Young went on to be a star after this, is beyond my understanding!

  41. All I can say is it is a good thing it is national toast day cause I need some serious carbs to soak the results of national margarita day that is left in my gut 🙂

  42. Girlfriend, WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH THIS STUFF???? I love it. Amazing shit to spend our money on. How about Poop Toast? I bet it’s out there . . .

    BipolarOnFire recently posted Same Ish.

  43. I would like to celebrate both margaritas day and toast day RIGHT NOW. Why am I at the office!?

    recently posted National Love Your Pet Day.

  44. At least Jesus is the right color on your toast. #BrownPride

    jwgoodman recently posted Terrorism Embraced.

  45. Now I REALLY want a grilled cheese…

  46. I didn’t even know I needed one of these. Although the toasted Jesus looks like he is wearing a donkey mask.

    Catherine recently posted Teen Tuesday: Orbiting Jupiter by Gary D. Schmidt.

  47. And then Jesus is like ‘fuck, and I died for these people’

    Mila recently posted Ask me how to organize a baby shower.

  48. Soooo The Vermont Novelty Toaster Company which is absolutely a real thing that is happening right now is having a $55 “Any Face on Toast Special.”

    https://www.burntimpressions.com/

    Which means I eat a piece of bread with my favorite scene from Die Hard on it.

    Jas recently posted “I NEED to be in the bathroom with you.” – Your cat.

  49. Every bite is holy delicious and part of a complete trinity.

    Wolf of Words recently posted Magfest 2016.

  50. I’ll toast to that!

    Musings, Rants & Scribbles recently posted 5 Ways the Dying Teach Us to Live.

  51. I’m pretty sure the Toast Board (in the Jasper Fforde Thursday Next series, there totally is one of those) will be pretty upset by you slut shaming non-virgin bread stuffs. And, in other news, I can’t tell what that second toast is either, but I think Rory toast would be AMAZING!!!

  52. Toast MaGoats.

  53. I can’t help but feel that Toast Day is a colossal letdown after Margarita Day.

    Imagine being out with friends at a bar, and at the stroke of midnight the bartender says, “Sorry, folks, we’re outta booze. Here, have some slightly charred bread on the house.” Shit’s gonna get ugly.

    Spoken Like A True Nut recently posted HEY, LADY!.

  54. For all those here who’ve mentioned Heywood Banks: he also turned “Toast” into a kids’ book. I have a signed copy. At the book signing I went to he played “Toast” and other songs and at one point cut his hotel key card into a guitar pick. He explained he’d been through at least five hotel key cards already.
    Someone mentioned that he was in Nashville and at least half the audience were musicians. If he’d only asked he could have had his pick.

    http://www.shop.heywoodbanks.com/images/1009.jpg

  55. #sacrilicious

  56. Wow, that makes Christmas shopping for my super Catholic in-laws a snap, thank Cheesus. And I also know what to have for dinner. Win/win!

  57. Awesome. I WANT IT AND I SHALL PLACE IT UNDER MY PILLOW

  58. 59
    Marjorie J. Birch

    This reminds me of a work by Charles Burns — Bliss Blister — who was a child evangelist whose sleazy father burned him with a Jesus brand. And then everyone would come up and touch it… and be healed…

  59. Happy virgin toast day. Put some butter on that shit because I hear that virgin toast is dry as hell 😉 Or maybe that was the menopausal toast. I always confuse the two.

  60. This has nothing to do with toast. But, you need to know this person: http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/feb/23/the-part-time-taxidermist-on-a-mission-to-teach-others-the-right-stuff-byo-mouse

    She made a DIY mouse taxidermy kit!

  61. This is like taking the Rorschach test with toast.

    Diane Holcomb recently posted Your Blog is Your Playground.

  62. Holy dried bread, Batman!

    Psychobabble recently posted Birthday Blog.

  63. I would like to follow up on my earlier comment to say that while the husband has vetoed my suggestions as Christmas gifts for his parents, I did get tasty grilled cheese for dinner. No Cheesus on it, but if you squinted and looked at it sideways it sort of resembled NPH.

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted Feminism, The Body Politic, and Picking a President.

  64. 65
    Margaret Flint Suter

    I have a grilled Cheesus maker and it makes wonderful sammiches with a grand imprint of Jesus on it, just like the one shown above. It is hilarious and thus proves that my god has a wubbulous sense of humor and the absurd and wants to nourish my insanity along with my craving for grilled peanut butter and bacon “cheesus'” Try it!

  65. I made sure my tuna sandwich tonight was on toasted bread in honor of the day and in honor of my grandfather who always had his bread toasted (because who wants to eat “raw bread”).

    If only Rocky Horror was playing nearby. That would be the perfect zenith to this auspicious occasion.

  66. I used to like my toast with cream cheese. Not so much now.

  67. 5 Signs That Jesus Is Coming Back Soon:
    5. The Snuggie Up Bikini Bathing Suit
    4. Fuller House
    3. The Nissan Juke
    2. Justin Bieber
    1. Grilled Cheesus Sammies

  68. I once sent a friend a bobble head Jesus as a house warming gift — because friendships based on irreverence, impropriety and sarcasm are one of the great blessings in life, and you need to nurture the hell out of that shit.
    Jesus said.
    I’m sure of it.

    OwnLessDoMore.us recently posted Comparatively speaking, this RV does not weigh a heck of a lot more than I do.

  69. GRILLED CHEESUS!!! HAAAAHAAAHAAA! THANK YOU!

  70. Cheesus is my dog’s (Beru) lord and savior. All her meal prayers start out with “Our lord Cheesus, who died on the grater for us…”

  71. Take note of these pointers that will guide you to get better at dirty
    talking. One type of adult games that you can play measures your compatibility with your partner.

    Recently, the 39-year-old actor Neil Patrick Harris and his man David Burtka attended 2012
    People’s Choice Awards held at Nokia Theatre, Los Angeles on January 12.

  72. So now I’m feeling oh so inadequate. Not only do I not own either stamper–I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TOAST YESTERDAY! But today is National Tortilla Chip Day (not kidding). So, you could make up for the margarita day also–today:).

    candidkay recently posted Living the life you’re in.

  73. 75
    Stuart | Invading Holland

    I can’t believe I missed National Toast Day. The one day I don’t eat toast and it turns out to be the most important day to eat toast.

  74. Holy Cheesus Jenny….I love toast!

    sjhebig recently posted My Skin Needs Help – 5 Reasons To Take A Bath.

  75. OMG, for a moment there it felt like a test. I thought I wasn’t religious enough (spoiler/confirmation: I’m not) because instead of the face of Jesus on the Grilled Cheesus, I was seeing a large TRex type monster. LOL. Eventually, I saw Jesus. 😀

  76. This explains a lot! About toast. And virginity. And other stuff.

    Kathleen recently posted Rain.

  77. I didn’t even know this existed. Now I kind of want one. 😀

    mommatrek recently posted I’m sorry..it’s HOW much?.

  78. I’m so confused that products like this not only exist in the world, but PEOPLE BUY THEM. And they buy them often enough to make them VIABLE PRODUCTS. It’s a strange society we live in. Maybe us “mentally ill” people are actually the sane ones, and everyone else is nutty. Just a thought.

    hazelhillboro recently posted Dumped!.

  79. “No one wants to eat a sandwich that somebody else has fucked.”
    Omg, totally just laughed out loud on the bus and tried to pretend it was a cough but ended up sounding more nutty instead…
    Happy Toast Day everyone!

  80. Weird. My recommendations were a dashboard Jesus (one of my favorite songs, by the way) and Last Supper breath mints. Which really makes me think you can sell anything if you put a Bible reference on it.

  81. This made me hungry.

    Tripping recently posted MS Meltdown in 3, 2...ugh, no. Not today.

  82. Wonders if I bought the Virgin Mary maker if I could sell the toast on eBay as miracle toast if I sprinkle it with holy water and make a killing

  83. 86
    Crazy dog lady

    Thank you soooo much for this post- grilled cheesus is going to keep me laughing for days! I so needed that laugh!

  84. Every morning, my dad would walk outside the dementia facility where he lived and bow to the Virgin Mary statue and say, “Namaste.” ‘Cause that’s how he rolled, yo. https://emilypageart.wordpress.com/2016/02/26/namaste/

  85. Grilled Cheesus! Bhahahahaha! The shit you say…could get me through anything…I swear to cheesus

  86. Now I really need some carbs and cheeeessssee

  87. Makes me think of that part in Running With Scissors where their examining his Jesus turd…

  88. The quote is from ‘What We Do in the Shadows,” and it’s from a vampire explaining why they prefer virgins. So, yeah, totally a propos.

  89. Cheesus, Son of Gouda

  90. The movie was “What We Do In The Shadows”, one of the funniest mockumentaries I’ve ever seen. Spoken by Jemaine Clement.

  91. When I read the title of this post I read it as “Vagina Toast” and that didn’t seem weird to me.

    I’m obviously one of us.

  92. We have this! Or, we “had” this I guess. My 10 year old son was making toast, and I remembered that my father had bought one of these stamps and given it to me to “trick” my family into believing in the miracle of holy food existence (I know, but I did agree that it might be funny – as it turned out it was more then just funny). I called him into my room where I was enjoying my evening meal of Cheeze-its and Coca Cola and let him in on the plan. I told him where to find the stamp and gave him the instructions to just press it into the bread and put it in the toaster. Now, I’m going to pause here for a moment to tell you about my son. He is in the 5th grade and the youngest in his class. He is in the Horizons program for gifted children. In the first grade he scored high enough on a standardized test to qualify him to be a member of Mensa. He is a very smart boy. So, back to the toast. He returned to the kitchen and I waited to see what would happen. After a bit I sort of smelled something “off”, but I shook it off considering we are now the proud owners of three cats that my parents insisted each time the brought one over, that the cat was just visiting us and would eventually return to their house. They also swore that all of these cats were girls, even though one of them now has an impressive set of balls. So the smell could very well be coming from a cat’s misadventure with a candle, or early onset dementia which only affects their memory of where the litter box lives. Another minute went by, and my husband who had been in the kitchen this whole time loudly asks “what the hell is that smell?” My son had left the immediate kitchen area and his toast project to return to his room to look up weird things on youtube. And, you might think you know what strange things a 10 year old boy might want to look up on youtube, but in my experience, you do not. My son loves looking up educational things, I mean LOVES it. He knows so many random facts about countries I had never even heard of to begin with. It is his mission to know their population, GNP, type of government and well it just goes on and on. Now, I used to be super impressed with this, but now I find myself just zoning out when he starts talking about socialism vs communism. I know, I’m a bad mother whatever. My husband has now located the smell which is, of course, coming from the toaster. Our genius child has melted the plastic stamp in the toaster. Awesome. When he came to answer for this, he listened quietly as my husband explained that he had lost all toaster privileges for the foreseeable future, and then he looked at me. “Let’s never mention this again,” he said more to me then his father, probably because he just know me so well. Now, I’d like to say this is the first time I’ve told this story since it happened less then two weeks ago, but that would be lying. It’s human nature really, and I simply can’t help myself, I’m telling everyone. It kind of balances the other stories I tell about him that sound braggy because most people’s children do not understand politics, economic history or physics just yet. So, I’m using it to make him seem more normal. I think it’s working!

  93. HYSTERICAL! Thank you for always making me laugh when I really need to. (Which is most days!)

  94. Oh sorry, I am not anonymous……I’m apparently “postalingly challenged”. It’s me, Dorothy Lee, I’ve been on a postal/pain bender for awhile I guess. It could also be because I no longer have a computer, nor wireless/Internet. So I must used my phone, thus my eyesight/fat fingers disable me. Gaaaaack!

  95. Oh sorry, I am not anonymous……I’m apparently “postalingly challenged”. It’s me, Dorothy Lee, I’ve been on a postal/pain bender for awhile I guess. It could also be because I no longer have a computer, nor wireless/Internet. So I must used my phone, thus my eyesight/fat fingers disable me. Gaaaaack!

  96. Good Lord, what the Hell?! Lol, sorry for double posting. I’ve missed you.

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