Okay, I wasn’t really rejected by Oprah at all, but it makes a better title than “Someone from Oprah’s magazine asked if I’d write something about social media etiquette for them but then when I turned it in they were like, ‘We still love you but, no, not quite this’ so I decided to just share it here.” But that title is very descriptive so I’m gonna leave it here too. And now, to the article that I’m giving you for free. YOU ARE WELCOME:
It’s easy to forget that there is a proper etiquette when it comes to sharing on social media, but no worries…I’m here to help.
1. Be as angrily vague as possible in your status updates. “Now I know who my REAL friends are” or “You think you’re cute” or “I’m smiling but I will poison you when you least expect it.” Make your friends and family as uncomfortable and unsettled as possible all the time.
2. Be shocked and outraged at least once a day. If you can’t start a tweet or Facebook status with “HOW DARE YOU” then it’s probably not worth saying.
3. If strangers online disagree with you, devote your day to yelling at them and getting everyone you know to yell at them as well. Don’t just unfollow them. Track them down and destroy them. Put your entire life on hold to focus on all-caps fights with them. It’s pretty much the written equivalent of public scream-crying and people fucking LOVE that.
4. Share inflammatory fake news on a daily basis. Did you know that Obama eats 18 live kittens a day? Well, I do now. Thanks for the update, Aunt Sue.
5. Never let on that you are a real human being. Your instagram feed should be beautifully curated to focus the maximum amount of shame and unrealistic expectations on everyone else. Also, use the word “curated” every day, non-ironically.
6. Share that super sexual picture of you on the internet. Sure, your parents and a bunch of creepy strangers will see it but so might that one guy you think may have ignored you at Starbucks that one time.
7. Intentionally misread satire. Get really pissed about it. Share it online and demand that everyone else share it too. Then get more pissed when others clarify that it’s clearly sarcasm. Block those people. Block them as loudly and as hard as you can.
8. Write the rules on social media etiquette. No, literally. Write them down. Then make everyone feel bad for not following them even though you don’t actually follow them yourself.
9. Sharing means caring. If you don’t share this article then 20 angels will die. Whatever. Your choice.