Did you know that if you google your name followed by “needs” it will auto-populate some crazy-ass shit that google thinks you need?
Let’s try it:
So…um…what?
Huh. So maybe let’s add another word?
Or not. Whatever.
PS. Am I the only one who got weird shit when they did this?
PPS. Can I borrow $16,000?
PPPS. Hang on. You know what? Let’s try this again to see what Google thinks I actually have:
Jesus, Google. Never mind.
Nancy needs
…. to pee. (and I DO!!!!) (But then again, I always do, so Google is no clairvoyant.)
Little Chrissy needs sugar.
Damn right I do!
I have never tried doing that. Perhaps I will sometime when I need a laugh. Or when the school board stops being idiots and I quit asking WTF??? of them and still feel the need to ask WTF?? 🙂
Apparently I don’t need anything as my name doesn’t auto-populate in Google. Only the imitation Justin populates and he seems to need to stop dropping banger after banger. False Justin’s needs surpass my own.
Google knows some weird Jennys.
Just tried this. I hope google isn’t like a magic 8 ball. Otherwise I’m going to be surprised with a baby, giraffe, spina bifida, and cancer. But I’ll be able to put it on the snapchat it knows I have.
Sarah needs…a lung transplant.
Sarah needs a…lung.
Sarah has…apparently, shitty lungs.
Heather has….two mommies. Not true, but maybe I would have been more emotionally stable if I had? Who knows.
“Jenny needs a shooter” Now I have to go listen to some Warren Zevon..granted, the actual lyrics are “Jeannie needs a shooter” but hey, close enough.
“Tracy needs to find the length and width.”
Reading the actual results is far more boring than the prompt suggests.
When I put “Jacqueline needs…” it doesn’t show anything! So I guess I’m very simple!
PS type in Lucretia needs or any other and Google draws a blank. I am a mystery.
Rachel needs a vacation, some action, and some action fanfic.
So yeah, sometimes Google is spot on.
Wow! How exciting for you. Ruth has come down with measles.
You should try “is”. Ruth is the Truth and Jenny is awesome!
The only thing that comes up for me is “a kidney”, and with has “a heart attack”. It is not looking good for me.
According to both my full name and my nickname, I need a kidney. However, I have stormy eyes and “the following portfolio of assets” so that’s nice. And if I put “wants” the only auto-correct is Drake. Which shows how this method is 100% accurate.
Apparently ‘April needs’ to estimate the sum of 427 and I also need mental help. Touché Google.
Having a month as a name, all results for ‘April has’ list numbers of days. Though the different results for just how many days the month of April has is a rather alarming indicator of, lets just say, questionable intelligence.
Amanda needs…a kidney!
Apparently I need some action, not sure which kind. I’m hoping for a Quintin Tarantino movie and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s
I tried this and apparently I need nothing nor do I have anything. I tried “Colleen needs” and “Colleen needs a” and “Colleen has”. Apparently everyone with my name is boring – clearly I’m rebelling against my name or possibly I was named incorrectly.
Carolyn wants to shrink.
Mmmmkay.
Twitter, Coffee, Love in Paris
Nicki needs
Nicki minaj body needs a hero…
Um…okay. LOL
Emily needs stem cells
Lapis doesn’t need anything but evidently already has “a nice day”
Probably you need the $16K to treat your herpes. My name displayed NOTHING that I need. Shannon has gone.
And apparently Jennifer has two daddies
also Jennifer needs to quit being paranoid, a home, a job, and ice for live crawfish.
Who knew?
Needs…medical attention
Has…broken
Wants…to sleep
Is…oh. Heh. That one brought up one of my steamier blog entries. 😉
Nothing. Nada. Zilch. The benefit of having such a weird name is that Google does not think about me all that much. Score.
jean has a long moustache and jean wants bill to do the Macarena. Thanks for the giggle.
Robin needs a kidney. I didn’t know that. Maybe I need to go to the doctor.
I feel disappointed with my results – apparently Erin needs (nothing)… but I have a business plan.
Ocular needs
Ocular needs assessment
Ocular needs and wants
Ocular needs more cowbell
“Ocular has” got weird
eye has not seen ear has not heard
eye has been twitching for days
eye has not seen lyrics
I decided to do:
Ocular wants
Ocular wants and needs
Ocular wants and warrants
Ocular wants to be a millionaire
OK, so that last one’s true.
Apparently, I need an alibi. And I don’t even know who got stabbed.
Hmm. Just hmm. I don’t use Google unless I can possibly help it. I just checked, and it still doesn’t know what I need or have. It could be my name. I tell my mom pretty regularly that she spelled my name wrong. She doesn’t find it amusing.
I don’t find it amusing that Google knows she has perfect pitch. And I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have “a happiness.” WTF Google?
According to Google:
Mary needs: salvation or a dog wheelchair.
Mary needs a: savior or alternatively a savings plan (very true)
Mary has: a savior but does she need one? A dog that needs a wheelchair.
Diane needs 165 pieces of candy
Diane has just 18
Diane is stealing seats
Huh.
C’mon Google! It’s ‘Jenny’s GOT a gun.’
Lisa needs: ‘braces’ ??
For the upright, maybe.
But, ‘Lisa wants’ got a pony!!
Go Google! (Don’t tell Hubby 🙂 )
Makes me feel a little sorry for Teresa and Joe. ;-
“teresa needs help”
“teresa needs to divorce joe”
“teresa has a balance of 3750”
“has teresa and joe going to court”
“how long has teresa and joe been married”
Apparently I don’t need, have, or want anything, but I do share my name with a special needs kitten.
Hahah this was just too funny, I haven’t tried it ever so I will give it a go for a good laugh. 😀
Apparently, and according to Google, Google needs to die. Maybe Google needs some SSRIs.
Cathy has 12 black socks
Cathy has a collection of dimes and quarters
Cathy needs IBM (Apparently there is a Cathy Needs who works for IBM)
Erica has 8 squares of felt.
I find that weirdly specific. And crafty.
I googled “Heather was” and got “Heather was in the midst of an excellent speech.” I’ll take it. “Heather needs” said “a van.” And I do not. I am done with those stupid things. No more vans.
Stephanie has a go at Gemma
Stephanie has $152 in the bank
Oh, dear. It looks like Google is a depressed vampire (so last year). Google wants your blood.
It has everything and has stopped.
Is sad that I find it interesting that putting a space after the verb shows different results?
Julie needs…a kidney
Julie has…a fear of riding in elevators
I don’t need a kidney as far as I know, but my fear is “glass elevators”! Hate those things 🙂
Grace needs freedom, lace, and a new boyfriend. I’ll have to break the news to my husband.
Apparently, I need to read 14 pages plus I need to get a van. Hopefully, the 14 pages are the manual for the van. Apprently, I also need to go to Port Washington. I hope the van holds up for that trip because I live in Ontario, Canada. Plus I will need to get a passport. Funny it didn’t tell me that. Sigh.
Crap. Is it sad? I am sad I can’t see typos. How do you feel about that, Google?
This is scary on so many levels! We can take up a collection to get you those diapers I guess though – if you really want them… 😉
When I google my name with “needs” (both with and with out the “a”), it only shows needs for a “Tracy” and confirms further it doesn’t mean me by adding last names that definitely aren’t mine. When I google with “has”, nothing pops up. At all. So, apparently neither I need nor want for nothing.
That or Google is like that cute asshole in high school that acted like I didn’t exsist.
Or maybe, I don’t exist.
Well, THAT’S depressing.
Thanks a lot Google. 😟
Mine aren’t as weird as I hoped for, but apparently my relationship needs a spark. Which isn’t true, unless you ask my husband.
Although people have asked “Google are you gay” not enough of us have asked “Google are you sad”.
Catherine needs to lay off the tacky shimmer. 🙁
Oh My God.
I messed up my OWN name.
heads back to bed
Heather wants a millionaire
Heather wants to make a 36 acid solution
Heather wants a pair of shoes
Heather really really must want those shoes
Apparently I don’t have anything, am nothing and don’t need anything. Um, apparently Google isn’t infallible. Keep trying Google.
So… Here’s my question: did it just randomly occur to try this? Or do you have a book a random, awesome ideas like this that you’ve created?
Kate needs a date and a haircut (screw you, Google.).
Kate has 21 coins and things to say (Truth.).
Cindy needs Morrison Profiles; a vehicle; healing and guidance
Cindy is a gangster
Cindy has been adopted; has come full circle
ja ja! google needs to get their stuff together!
When I google “Suzanne needs,” this comes up: susan needs to measure and heat the chemical. So I suppose google can’t get my name right, but I am a chemist, so I forgive the mistake.
Sharing a first name with Lindsay Lohan has its drawbacks. I need rehab, Jesus & a vacation. At least two of those are true for me too but I’m not saying which two. 😂
Apparently I lack for nothing as I have no needs but I ‘is’ like jo, cho, and chok (who or whatever they are), I’m new at the zoo, and I’m making chocolate pudding. Well. I hope the polar bears appreciate how hard it is to make pudding in the animal enclosure!
Dwayne needs more touches.
Dwayne is gay.
When Google autocomplete is more accurate than horoscopes…
Sadly, I apparently need nothing… I do however have some disturbing things. :-/
Leah needs (didn’t work)
Leah needs a (ditto)
a little sad at this point, thanks for the crap game suggestion
Leah has
oh, this is better!
Leah has
a boyfriend (my wife of 20 years was interested to hear this)
13 coins
a drug problem (likely why I only have 13 coins)
a baby fanfiction (what people with drug problems write when they need money)
Dixie wants…an allergy. Thanks, I already have one.
Apparently I have 459 friends and some lawn chairs. WOOHOO!
Tried “Karen is…” and got my daily affirmation. Yay, Google thinks I’m awesome! And a knowledgeable intelligent person! And I’m standing near the flagpole! Wait… what?
Get it right, Google. I’m SITTING near the flagpole. In a lawn chair. With my 459 friends.
Damn, I’m awesome!
Apparently I need a van & a blog & I have 2 mommies. hmmmm
Neither of my names (Scar/Scarlett) came up with anything under “needs” or “needs a”… maybe I just have no needs 😉
However, googling “Scar has…” came up with exciting things like “gone red”; “white bumps”; “gone purple”; “white spots”.
I have an odd name.
June has 30 days. (I’ve never enjoyed being named after a month)
June has a set of folding chairs. (Well, that’s more like it)
“Janice needs to get off her high horse.” Damn….put me in my place.
(btw, it’s Jeanie who needs a shooter. it’s a song by Warren Zevon)
Google is responsible for my career. And Elyse needs …. wine. Elyse Winery. I am so there …
Anne frankly it needs to stop. Yes. Yes I do.
lori has a pig on her head………. HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!
(With my real-life name) I apparently want ice cream, need SoundCloud, and have three pieces of ribbon.
“sue needs to invest $3 626”. Hmm, with whom? A Nigerian Prince?
“sue needs glasses”. Wrong. I had Lasik. Wait. Do reading glasses count? Good job, Google.
ruth has a
ruth has a stretch
aunt ruth has a beard
Well, I worked out this morning, so perhaps Google knew “ruth has a stretch-ed.”
I’m a great, great aunt, and I do have chin whiskers to pluck, but I didn’t think they constituted a beard … yet, anyway. Will tweeze immediately.
Melissa needs to chill. (Word.)
Melissa has a bag of marbles. (Unfortunately, I lost them.)
Melissa wants to go to Mars. (Only if a botanist goes with me.)
Melissa is a theory. (Are any of us real?)
Google DOES know me.
Apparently I need coffee. Although I don’t drink coffee and never have. And Google thinks I have “baby the office” and I’m not even sure what that means. So yeah, Google just doesn’t get me!
Cassandra appears to have no needs, but apparently has a pair of mice. Hope I can find them!
Michelle needs to drop a few. Screw you Google!
Apparently I need “somebody”, but Google won’t tell me who. Not even a hint. WHY THE SECRECY, GOOGLE?
Oh, and supposedly I want Ben to stop talking. I don’t know anyone named Ben, but it seems there’s one out there who’s enough of a chatterbox that even out of earshot l want him to shut the hell up.
I hope Ben’s not the somebody I need.
“Melissa has a bag of marbles.” A whole jar actually
“Melissa has been referring to the Japanese.”
“Melissa wants to go to Mars.” Actually space and the whole lack of breathable air thing kinda freaks me out.
“Melissa wants to get married.” I’m on my second one. I think that’s enough.
“Melissa McCarthy needs a straitjacket.” I disagree.
Mandy needs new clothes. Mandy has 92 quarters.
This is actually a pretty accurate assessment of a conflict in my life right now.
Lauren needs a kidney, and a van.
And Lauren “has undergone a split-brain operation. why”. WHOA. Things are starting to make a lot more sense.
Cathy is as cute as a kitten. I can live with that.
Cathy wants to measure the height of the flagpole. Ummm . . . why?
Cathy has 12 (or twelve) black socks. Nope.
Google says I need a profile, a car, and a kidney. I hope they are wrong.
I had to find a motorboat image for work and all I got was boobs being jostled.
Anna needs….a new coat
Anna needs a…new coat
Anna has…a baby
None of these statements are true.
Apparently there’s a book about a girl named Anna needing a coat.
Beth has…. vd, 3000 feet of fencing, and hamsters at her house.
Good fences make good vd… or perhaps I got it from the hamsters.
It tells me that I need to leave it the fuck alone. Snotty bastard.
Liz needs a change
Liz has trouble with appetite control
YOU ARE FREAKING ME OUT GOOGLE.
Dean needs cuddles (yes!) and apparently someone named Castiel (who?)
And Dean wants pie and a slinky (Yes to both!)
Jen needs a browser. (I’m using one, duh)
Jen has a pen
Jen has guns blazing for sheen (what?)
Jen has the internet (doesn’t everyone?)
Jen has a baby (um, no)
Mine also does not autopopulate, but if I hit “enter”
Kym needs new boobs 😉 (Um, the old ones are just fine google! But in a few years…)
Kym Needs A Ladder to Get on a Horse (Well, who doesn’t. Kind of like valet horse riding?)
“Jim needs to find out the sine of π/8” Is this synchronicity as it’s 3/14 today? “Jim Needs a Kidney Soon” That can’t be good. “Jim has a mass of 15 kilograms and is running on the ground with a velocity of 2.7 meters/second.” Are they calling me fat and slow or thin and fast? Math is hard, and apparently I need to know a lot of it.
Gina needs to get f*cked
… needs a service dog
…needs some angels
Google knows me better than anyone else in my life…
Ok, so if this doesn’t get lost in the sea of comments, I found an adorable taxidermy mouse with fairy wings that made me think of you on etsy:
https://www.etsy.com/listing/269553431/taxidermy-mouse-weird-taxidermy-real?ref=related-0
(I attempted putting the link as “my website” also, (it isn’t, I wish it was) in case it won’t let me post it in the comment.)
Love you and your weird Google auto populating results.
Nina needs…
to go youtube.
I don’t even understand how to “go youtube”. Google has no grammar.
All I got was a link to a murder.
Oh good Lord. My name + needs… equals two things: “a special needs home” and “spanked”. Google has issues.
Apparently, Jo doesn’t need anything.
Luckily,
…Jo has not yet died
And
…Jo has a job interview
Which I apparently forgot because
…Jo has Alzheimer’s
And I was putting my memory lapses down to the medication. Dr Google saves the day!
Oh man, my name’s Chenay and there’s no crazy for me:( Oh well, I guess I just need to start making shit up for myself!
Apparently Jessica needs to bake 50 muffins, and has 16 dimes and quarters.
Caroline needs… to find information about income
Caroline needs a… golden calculator to divide (leads to “Roses” by Outkast)
Caroline has… 16 marbles
Sara likes coffee (yes!)
Sara has an unrealistic fear of shopping (Double yes! Holy crap!)
Sara needs to replace part of the metal (…whaa…oh, google, you were doing so well)
Apparently I need 165 pieces of candy (which is totally true, especially if it’s chocolate!)
Huh. Apparently I’m a cipher. Or don’t need anything at all. One of those 😉
Mine said “a hug” and “a little tlc”. Google gets me
My name doesn’t generate anything under Penni, Penni needs or Penni needs a. When we get to Penni has, it just generates Penny phrases.
Betsy has…. a red shirt on
A whole new level of creepy- I put tape over the camera!
Apparently I need directions, uniserve, my milk and your help – in that order.
“Traci needs her itch scratched” ?!
Not by you Google!
My favorite one:
Sarah has an unrealistic fear of shopping.
Doug needs money (apparently some Nickelodeon reference) and Doug needs to shut his mouth. But wait, I’m hungry…
Doug has a skateboard accident.
Doug wants to get better at volleyball, a kitty, to buy apples and oranges, and kitten.
Great, now the cat is sitting there wondering if she’s about to be replaced.
One of the things that came up for me said “Don’t tell me I can’t get a neck tattoo!” But my last name is Meck, so maybe spell check struck again.
Google can’t even with my RL name. Screw you Google!
“Laura has…just complimented Mitzi”
I don’t know any Mitzis but if I did I’m sure I would compliment her on the reg.
Laura needs…to lose weight
Laura needs…our help
How did they know? I don’t need to lose that much though, they could have focused on something else. I’ll take the $16,000!
I get “Gary needs a new pair of shoes” lol
Jessie needs the potty.
Jessica needs to bake 50 muffins. Jessica needs inspiration again. (not if I’m baking all those damn muffins)
Neither Jessie nor Jessica need A anything. Nor do they have anything, which I’m ok with if the options include herpes (but I was really hoping it’d say ‘a yacht’).
Apparently, every Stacy in the world needs a ladder but nothing else. Staceys, however, don’t need anything. Not one single thing. Either we all really rock, or the universe doesn’t care about us. I choose the former.
Michelle needs help.
Fair enough.
Turn the tables. “Google needs to die” is the first that came up. Hmm.
Natalie needs a nighty.
Natalie needs a boyfriend.
Natalie needs a new leg.
This is why I’m a lesbian!! It’s google’s fault!!
Rachel needs a vacation or some action. Huh….Well, OK
I have 70 Beads apparently…..
Kathleen needs….240 valid signatures
ha! the laugh’s on google, I need signatures–valid or not….!
Elise needs a buff
Elise needs a new skin
Elise needs a nerf
Umm, I feel like someone really creepy is trying to get me to do things.
When I typed my name and “needs a,” literally nothing at all was displayed. There were no options or results. So maybe this means all of my needs in life have been met? That would be a beautiful thing. I wish we could all say the same.
Trixie has a Sparta remix.
My name has no suggestions so i decided to search my husband he needs to go and has a mangina…….. hmmmm
Literally nothing came up for any of those. Apparently all my needs are met yet I have nothing? When I looked up my alter-ego, “Charlie needs a cloak.” That works.
“fiona needs a rework” followed by
“fiona has no soul”
I think Google is trying to tell me something…
Melissa has a bag of marbles
Melissa has been referring to the Japanese
Melissa needs to chill
Seems right
Alison is a theory. Very deep, stoned Google.
Sarah needs to replace part of the metal.
– Part of the metal WHAT? I don’t get it. Also, I am not handy, so it’s best if I don’t try to replace anything.
Sarah needs a job.
– No, Google. I’ve spent the whole morning on conference calls for my job. I do not need another damn job.
Sarah has optimal health.
– Huh. I didn’t know depression, anxiety, and a jacked up ankle was optimal. But ok. Thanks.
Mine said, “Suzanne needs to measure and heat the chemical”, and “Suzanne is waiting at your doorway.” They both sound very criminally and stalkerish. Those are nasty rumours, Google–stop harassing me.
Melissa needs to chill….
Well, it’s not wrong.
Nikkiana needs nothing because it’s such a bizarre name…. but Nikki needs bottled water.
Huh. I ‘need’ a browser, and I ‘have’ a pen. Sounds more appropriate for your needs!
Krista needs… (nothing)
Krista is… a softball player in Texas
Krista has … it
Google is a bully. “Lori needs to die” was my ONLY option.
Lesley has many hats.
Lauren has “undergone a split-brain operation, why.”
Guessing I’m not the only Emily who needs stem cells?
Is anyone else disturbed about how many people in the comments need kidneys? Seriously. Is Google the preferred method of finding kidneys?!? As for me, my name is an acronym for the test used to detect HIV, so most of my Google results are very depressing.
“Beebe needs” and “Beebe has” doesn’t work for me. The only thing that comes up when I start typing my name is “Beebe memorial” and “Beebe diversified”. So I’m either dead, or need to change my stock portfolio. FUN!
Apparently I need a hero (i’m holding on for a hero) ahem.
I also need someone to save me.
I also have a minute to win it (whatever it is) and a pimple.
nice.
Lori needs…to die. (Thanks Walking Dead)
Apparently I need a new house. News to me. 😉
Here we go:
Tina needs to go (where?)
Tina needs to find employment (DAMN right I do, this part time isn’t cutting it and I’ve been trying to get full time for 14 months!)
Tina has 3/5 pounds of rice (I assure you it’s more. I buy so much crap and forget about it in my pantry)
Tina has autism (No, just anxiety)
Tina has to pay 4 percent (of what? I’m not giving anyone anymore money!)
Tina has to create a password for the security (Seriously?! Another fucking password?)
Linda …is gonna destroy ISIS …is a qualifying widow …has got this …has been assigned job … has a toothache …needs to read 14 pages …needs a rainbow …wants to be alone …wants a cupcake.
Traci needs her itch scratched!!
Google says that I need 300 Christmas lights, and a new car for college, and I have purchased an E-40 ticket and the night off. So, apparently, Goggle thinks I’m a cool 18 year old, with a job with flexible hours. 🙂
Also, I love you, Kazza! ♡
I’m a little frightened: “kerry has declared war on god” was the top hit. This doesn’t bode well.
When I typed in “Dre needs” it came up: “Dre momma need a haircut”. Which I do, so that’s pretty cool. Then I put in “Dre has” and it came up: “Dre has aids” (apparently Google thinks everyone has aids these days? And “Has Dre killed anyone” and the answer is NO, not that you know of. Google, be quiet.
“Steve needs ti find a squirrel hitman” Um, OK.
The closest “need” was “Marty the lumberjack needs some items,” but I have all sorts of shit!
“Marty has a party drink dispenser”
“Marty has a party”
“Marty has a piggy bank”
Woot! Woot! Let’s party!
Uh oh…
“Marty has low self esteem”
Dammit!
Hmmmm, mine came up “Shannon is… awesome” I will take it!
Jean needs to have a tooth filled.. and I just found out today that I do need a tooth filled… CREEPY
Mine says the same thing twice: Beth needs lovin and Beth needs loving. Somehow I don’t think the two entries are talking about the same thing.
Sam has..
70 erasers and rulers
Well now that might be true but Steve the grubby shatter-proof ruler is clearly not allowed to mix with Mistress mcStainless-steel (The 3rd)
Harry is gay.
And needs a haircut!
“Megan needs a millionaire.”
Also: “Megan has a one hour gap.”
Brian needs a haircut. True.
Brian needs a heart. Also true. Someone stole the one I keep in a jar.
I get nothing but my own blog and facebook for Rhiannon needs or Rhiannon has.
I’m not enthusiastic about the results for my real name. For that matter, I’m also not enthusiastic about my real name.
For “Olivia,” though, I need to go home and to close my mouth; I need a middle name; I’m making scarves; and I have two moms, an abortion, and bad breath.
Katrina needs 3/5 kilograms of flour. Maybe…
Katrina has a collection of marbles. Damn you, Google! No one was supposed to know!
Because I have a weird old lady name, I get “Patsy needs changing.” That’s the only thing that is there. No, google, I don’t need changing in any way.
Andrea has a needle phobia
Andrea has 37 coins
Andrea needs to die
Andrea doesn’t like Google anymore.
I get nothing.
Annie has the flu
Annie has a gun
Annie has a compost pile
Annie has cancer
Annie has fun with water bratayley
What the hell is water bratayley?
The benefit to having an unusual name is that when I Google “Loen needs” I get nothing. Hooray?
Karen needs facebook. (No I really, really, really do not!) Karen has 459 friends. (No I really, really, really do not!). Laughing so hard.
Liv needs to eat brains.
Oooohhhhkkkkaaayyy…
Faith needs …
faith needs action
faith needs no proof
faith needs works
faith needs reason
Faith has
faith has made you whole
faith has its reasons
faith has a voice
faith has healed you
Faith has a
faith has a voice
faith has a short shelf life
faith has a voice book
faith has a voice pdf
um, well
Linda needs a van.
Linda needs to read 14 pages.
Eh.
But my husband needs a kidney transplant.
And to chill out.
Remember googlism?
http://www.googlism.com/who_is/j/jenny_lawson/
“Andrea is so stupid.”
Pretty sure my brothers have something to do with this…
No matter how I google it, it’s always Kristen Stewart the vampire mouth breather. It should never be Kristen Stewart, Google.
I apparently need 300 Christmas lights which is pretty much always going to be true. “Dana has” produce” “the night off” so I am batting a 1000 right now with Google!
Rebecca needs rest And I do…
Rebecca needs makeup (Thanks, Google, how did you know I didn’t wear any today!?!)
…and evidently I need a kidney too!
Rebecca has 45 coins (yes, yes, that’s probably what’s left in my bank account until payday!)
I’m feeling vaguely insulted by “Jill needs to cut a smaller piece.” I’ve certainly heard I need Jack before, too. On the other hand, I’m much happier to hear that I have 2 ponies and $10,000 to invest. And I created a table. Apparently I’m super productive in my free time.
But the absolute winner, which I will claim immediately is “Jill has a biting sarcastic manner.” See, letting Google track your every move has some advantages. They know me.
Laura needs to lose some weight (too true), and needs our help!
Kelly needs shoes (actually true)
Kelly needs to buy lunch for… (I don’t know. someone hungry?)
Evidently, I need braces (stop judging me Google!) and I have 64 coins. Not enough for braces I think…
It says I have purchased five bananas.
No way did anyone ever Google that. I think the people who program those Google doodles get bored sometimes and make up weird searches. Also, I love those people.
I need a wake up call
I need to go
And I apparently need some girl on girl action. I really had no idea about this last one.
And what I have…
I have talent
I have left early
I have accepted responsibility for the murder. Again, I had no idea about this last one.
Louise needs…help to earn her wings (is my halo askew??)
…a bloody vocal (apparently I am not ready for the heavenly choir quite yet)
…a good home.
Oh cool, I am a tortoise shell cat living in San Francisco.
I need a personal trainer and need to pee.
I want to buy a snowmobile and to make out with Robin
I have terrible aim and have retained an attorney. I wonder if these two are related in any way.
jackie needs an ultrasound
jackie needs a friend
jackie needs to he held accountable
jackie needs to poop
This really made me laugh and after working 11 hours today in RETAIL, I could use that laugh. Thank you Jenny once again.😁
I type in ‘Brooke needs’ and it autofilled with ‘the dirty brooke needs to stop.’
FINE, google. Stop being so judge-y!
Lori has a pig on her head! Lori needs to die – fuck you google, what did I do to you???
Kelly needs to order lunch for…
For whom, Google? Don’t leave me hanging!
Kelly needs a kidney
Kelly has lost the team. Oh shit! I didn’t know I had a team? Why doesn’t anyone tell me these things?
Um, maybe I needed to order lunch for the team?
Erika apparently needs soundcloud and has a baby. Hmm… not that I’m aware of on either account!. Sorry google… strike out!
Candice needs a plumber and must decide between two…the one with the least ass crack please…
OK, I tried my name with “makes”, a bad, bad mistake. “Nude Candice makes ice cream melt for French magazine”. Nice to be that hot at 59…Not. Ever.
Hey, if you look up “Jenny is” the next word is Awesome!
Leslie needs 324 inches of fringe…apparently.
Ale needs, real ale needs id, he needs ale and he needs ale wow…my full name didn’t get any results, and I’m guessing I’m being confused with the drink 😝
“Madison needs” doesn’t populate anything. So I need nothing.
But the other side was more encouraging. “Madison has heart.”
Thank you google, I do.
Lisa “needs braces” is apparently very popular. Settle down Google! I was born this way!
Lisa “has 750 friends on facebook.” Also Lisa apparently has “a certain amount of money.” Neither of these could be further from the truth. 🙂
Maria needs 2.20 to buy a magazine. Obviously I’m aiming a lot lower than you. Maria has type B blood. Which, incidentally is not true. I’m an A-type person in all categories. I just need to get my shit together before it gets out.
I got “Kaila is a stupid name” 🙁
Rachel needs some action.
Rachel has a baby.
I don’t know if google is brilliant or idiotic in this situation…
You should try being me, a 45 year old male…
Adrian has…issues
Adrian has…a miscarriage on secret life
Adrian has…a mangina
Adrian has…a miscarriage
Sure i have issues, but the rest???
Based on the number of comments above it looks like there are at least 212 reasons I shouldn’t Google my name. Then again somebody probably already has given how common my name is. When I was in high school yelling “Hey Chris!” in the hallway was like going to a Cure concert and yelling, “Hey, you in the black!”
Sue needs to invest $3626
Sue wants to use mental math
Sue has 100 dimes & quarters –
and my fav for the day
Sue has the president called? roflmao
Mary needs: A savior bible verse. To row her boat. A savings plan. I actually need NONE of these. Stupid google.
Terri wants.. According to Google – Terri wants to have Simon Cowell’s baby. OMG- WTF AND LMFAO. Because dear friend when I type in Terri needs… Goggle says ” Terri needs your prayers.” spot on, if what I want is to have that nit’s devil spawn!!
Pretty effing accurate when googled together!!
Jim needs a kidney.
Oookay, then!
Lisa has a certain amount of money. huh?
Lisa needs braces.
Well, there goes that money….
Apparently, Tim needs funeral.
According to Google my life is perfect: I don’t need anything.
On the other hand, I don’t have anything either. Apparently i have reached nirvana.
And on the other hand, someone with a name very similar to mine has 24 bottles of champagne.
bob needs to mix 2 cups
bob needs to drive 592 miles
bob needs to ship six
bob needs human hearts
bob needs a kidney
Dear Google:
Do you know something I should know?
Love Bob
Blame my parents for the unusual spelling of my first name (which I am not going to divulge). i got only one reply to “B—– has ”
“B—– has been diagnosed with dissociative personality”
So I clicked the link, and apparently B—– is the host personality…Ummm… I know I’m crazy, but not like that!
And then “B—– needs ” returns only “B—– Lucy needs a friend” from the same site! and Lucy is one of the secondary personalities.
The internet is trying to tell me something? I rather hope not.
Susan Needs Disability benefits- this is actually kind of true…
Susan needs financial assistance
Susan needs a job for Christmas! Yeah, that didn’t work out so well
Susan needs our help
Susan needs to wear a bra- not if Susan doesn’t leave the house she doesn’t
Susan needs a beauty and the beast birthday cake- mmm cake
Susan needs a liver transplant- uh-oh
Susan needs a new chicken- fair enough
Susan needs love and tea
Susan needs more than math facts
Susan needs urgent corrective surgery to use her legs- this is… unfortunate
Susan has an ear infection.
Susan has a cold
Susan has 600 feet of fencing to make a yard for her new puppy
Susan has a 5-foot long bookshelf that she wants to fill with 22 books of differing sizes
I…keep getting math problems
Awww. This doesn’t work for me at all 🙁 My name is just too uncommon.
I got katy needs a life and katy needs perry. (is NEEDS Katy Perry’s middle name?)
Polly needs a cracker, of course. Or…crack, apparently.
Andrea needs…
to die (Thanks Walking Dead)
to find a kennel for boarding – not a dog person
a taxi
Andrea needs to…
same as needs
Andrea has…
a needle phobia – I just don’t watch when they draw blood
37 coins – if they were gold maybe
Erica has $460. Erica needs her daddy.
Laura needs to … lose weight 🙁
Laura has… just entered hospice.
That’s enough for today.
I just typed in Lori Needs… and …..to die came up. Should I be taking this personally?
Apparently Becky needs … another $1200 and to get laid. But, Becky has … a toy vacuum, an intense fear of dogs and diabetes. Ugh!
Kim Kardashian has ruined the Google for me. 🙁
Monique needs… to shut up. – Google is crabby today.
Monique is… blacklisted. – All I said is that you’re crabby, Google. Sheesh.
Monique wants… a wife. – I don’t swing that way, Google. Stop spreading rumors.
Monique has… open marriage. – Google is out to get me.
“Emily needs stem cells facebook”
followed by “ASKING FOR A FRIEND”
Jenna needs speed. Or…. Jenna needs a kidney. I will take both if offered.
Rory needs nampa idaho.
Rory needs a fosters.
Rory has cancer.
Okay, Google. Go home. You’re drunk.
I seem to need an alibi. 🙂
Karen needs… “Facebook” and has…”459 friends, some lawn chairs, a friendship with Angela, a mass of 57kg, has agreed to buy Sara’s car” and wants…”her $20 back”. Step back HBO–this story practically writes itself!
Nichole needs:
meds
a nap
two bodyguards
a bath
What is google telling me?
I’d lend you 16K but you and I both know you would spend it on some dead stuff animal. I probably just saved your marriage. You’re welcome.
Ahahahaha. I couldn’t get past the first “Gillian needs” entry, because there is a person whose name is – wait for it – Gillian Needs.”Gillian has” just throws up pages and pages of entries about Gillian Anderson. So I guess that means Gillian Needs has nothing.
Laurie needs… so many things I can’t say in public.
caroline has 16 marbles.
caroline has 10 marbles.
caroline needs a golden calculator to divide.
i didn’t make this up.
Apparently, Laurie needs a new liver. That’s it. … Just how the hell do they know how much alcohol I drink?!?
Google thinks I don’t need anything, but that I have a mass of 45 kg (which proves Google is wrong because I NEED that scale), lupus (boo), and 13 stickers (better, and oddly specific).
Apparently I need a kidney. So that’s concerning. But I also have two dads, so hopefully one of them is a donor match…
I got ‘Mary needs a line of blow’
Hmmmm
OMG mine in AWESOME
Jenna Needs … a Hero
Jenna Needs … to be rescued
Awkward Jenna needs a hero
Jenna wants … to be a man again …. WHHHAAAAATTTT?????
and that was the ONLY one under wants
Jenna has ..a crush
Jenna has … a minute to win it
Jenna has …a pimple
Lori needs to die.
Lori needs help.
Holy crap. My anxiety level just went up tenfold. Now I’ll be looking over my shoulder all week. Or month. Or forever. My neck already hurts!
Lori has 18 stamps and a pig on her head.
Enough said.
Maggie needs…an alibi
Maggie has…scars from a house fire
Maggie has… aunt hair
Maggie has… anorexia nervosa
Maggie has… a job in an office
Maggie has… lead
Maggie has a… kite
Maggie has a… dream
Maggie has a… nightmare
Maggie has a… box of chocolates
Wow Google, you have a vivid imagination!
Debra has…
romantic feelings for Dexter
a mustache
feelings for Dexter
pms
“Dexter” is why I can’t play these games 🙁 Even the “google your name + meme” turns up weird-ass “Debra loves her brother Dexter” and “Debra says fuck all the time” nonsense. Damn it, “Dexter”.
Cory needs…. nothing..
Wrong google! Cory just landed from a 4hr airplane ride full of turbulence and Cory needs Valium and whiskey!
It doesn’t like that I’m “Jeni” and retypes my name as Jenny. The 3rd one was “Jenny has a circular cylinder with a lid” – how very specific.
I’m late to the party. Nevertheless…
Jen needs a browser.
Jen IS bringing the drugs (WHAT?)
Jen is the killer.
wtf google.
ooo hang on – my screen name
Raven is from the continent of Africa.
all righty … and we’re done.
in no variation of my name does Google think I need anything; although, you’d think that would mean that in EVERY variation of my name, Google would assume that I have EVERYTHING. Alas, that is not the case. “ML has it” is the only thing Google told me.
emelle could certainly use an additional $16,000… just sayin’…
Laura needs…
to lose weight. Fuck you, google!
our help. Not if it’s to lose weight!
Laura has…
just complimented mitzi. Um…okay???
just entered hospice. Oh, crap, now I’m dying?!
Laura is a…
poo. Well, that’s rude.
man ex on the beach. I…I’m not sure I want to know. (And, of course, I click on it. Apparently Ex on the Beach is a show in the UK and Laura was outed as being intersex…)
Looking up Laura memes is always interesting because I get ones in both English and Spanish.
Did the Kara has and got Kara has disbanded. Apparently I was a HUGE girl group in South Korea that recently broke up. Where are my damn roaylties?
See, I’m so mad I don’t even know how to spell royalties…
Mine said, “Stephanie needs a job”. Which is rude and highly accurate. Thanks for reminding me I was laid of Google. 🙂
Vivienne needs: (No Suggestions)
Vivienne needs a: (No Suggestions)
Luckily, I finally got results with HAS:
Vivienne has:…no specializations.
Vivienne has:…died.
Sobs
You know what? Screw you, Google, I haven’t died! AND I ALSO HAVE STARBURST JELLY BEANS!
Runs away
Alison needs – Google can’t spell my name
Alison needs a – nothing
Alison has – a twin (who knew?), gained weight (I deny it), a twin sister (my god it must be true!!), 1/2 cup of yogurt (😂)
Hahaha Alison wants – to find out (no doubt where that damn twin sister is so I can blame her for the weight gain and accuse her of stealing the rest of my yogurt …)
Apparently, Karen needs a hug? A vacation? Bristol? Um? I don’t know what Bristol looks like or if she’s my type but I’m not really a hugger. Maybe if Bristol is hot and we could just combine all those things and she could give me a hug while we vacation together? Karen has 459 friends(wow, I wasn’t aware of this) so, maybe I don’t need Bristol? And I have developed a friendship with Angela? Huh? Ok? Maybe I need to go on vacation with Angela and Bristol(Hmmm. Kinky. I like it.)? Karen has some lawn chairs? Uh? What? Oh, and Karen has Cottonmouth Vine? I don’t know what the fuck that is but it doesn’t sound good. I hope I didn’t catch that from Bristol or Angela. Maybe I should just be celibate? Maybe I should just stay away from people? But with 459 friends that’ll be hard to do. But if they don’t want to catch Cottonmouth Vine then maybe they’ll stay away from me? Okay no, I know what I need to do…. Stay THE FUCK AWAY FROM GOOGLE! There. Problem solved.
“Madeleine needs…” It’s blank. It stopped suggesting anything once I added “needs”. ??? I guess that means I am 100% perfect just the way I am! smug grin
I didn’t get anything good with “needs” so I tried “wants” and got
cindy wants to know where the kernel is stored
I thought this was hilarious, so I had to try it…that may not have been such a great idea.
Andrea has … a needle phobia
has … 37 coins
has … been diagnosed with schizophrenia
Kris has a box of 8 crayons.
Joy party needs.
It even knows that I woke up drunk.
Eve needs a new skin.
Eve has a white boyfriend and bad body odor.
What’s up, Google? You wanna go?
Google thinks Sarah has no arms. Oh, yeah? How am I typing this then, sucker?
First 2:
Nicole has 369 teabags.
… $9 to spend on cards.
Hmm. “Trish needs” won’t auto-populate. Apparently I have nothing left to wish for. However, “Trish has” a jug of contaminated water. So apparently I also have things I don’t need. Unless I want to give other people diarrhea.
I get nothing! Google has no suggestions for me. I guess I don’t need anything!
I tried this and it said, “Laurie needs….to die.” I tried not to take it personally. I mean, Google doesn’t even know me and it wants me dead? Seems harsh. It also said, “Laurie needs…a new liver.” I guess a new one would be preferable to an old one. And really, I suspect my history of searches for, among other things, bar accessories, bourbon of the month clubs, liquor stores and cocktail recipes may have contributed to the whole “needs a new liver” perception.
Heather needs a van and a blog. That sounds…..sketchy.
Katie needs a life bandcamp
where do I sign up for that?
When I typed in Shannon Needs NOTHING auto suggested. So I hit the search and Apparnetly Shannon needs a mass confession event for its complicity in war and human rights abuse.
I think I win.
I got
“Heather needs a van” or
“Heather has two mommies:……either way…..sigh.
Apparently Google doesn’t think I need anything! I tried “Loida needs” and “Loida need a” and nothing pre-populated at all!! I’m kind of sad…
Huh…
I (Matt) apparently:
…needs to pack an order for 1816 blocks… (now what are you going to do with 1800+ blocks?)
…need a kidney (there are about 6 months of my 21st year that I don’t remember, so it’s possible)
…needs to make 230 for a trip. (230 what? blocks? dollars?)
…needs pickerington. (ummm. k…)
…needs to pack an order for 1816. (done with the blocks and moving on to…?)
Leslie needs 324 inches of fringe. That seems like quite a lot of fringe.
I put in Tess needs and got: WHO NEEDS TESS? Thanks Google. But then I went to the website mentioned under it: http://www.tigereyesensor.com/who-needs-tess/ and I found this:
“TESS™ isn’t just for criminal situations; it can help in medical emergencies too. 1 out of 3 seniors experience falls and related injuries each year in the U.S. and many don’t have any way to summon help (http://www.cdc.gov/homeandrecreationalsafety-/falls/adu ”
I’m really glad to know that I can contribute SOMETHING to society, and that I’m not just for CRIMINAL situations.
ALSO THIS: “Many runners have found themselves in frightening and even potentially dangerous situations when jogging on trails or at night. One of our own team members encountered two bobcats while running in an isolated canyon. Not only was his cell phone buried in his backpack, but there was no way for him to describe where he was on the trail if he reached 911 before the animals attacked. He knew in that moment that TESS™ would have been his best hope to get help. Fortunately, our colleague escaped by running backward with his eyes on the bobcats for almost a mile before they grew bored and wandered off.”
The part that got my attention was “He knew in that moment that TESS™ would have been his best hope to get help.” Oh dude. Dude. Tess is never your best hope to get help. Tess can barely dress herself. Tess is the one on the floor who has fallen and can’t get up. Tess is the one knocking you down and running across your back to get away before the animals attack.
So . . . also there were a lot of nasty remarks on google about Tess and Plus Sizes. I’m just saying.
I get nothing because my mom spelled my name weirdly.
Patty has… a mustache. Huh.
Melissa needs a straight jacket. Wow Google.
Mary wants a lover, a purple dress, and to be a superwoman – Google nailed it!
Kara needs prayer. hmmm…
Kara has been disbanded. Well that’s a little scary
These Google search posts always make me laugh so hard that I’m in a natural high for a week. (You also know we all go and try these and lose so many days of our lives?)
So I tried ‘kathy needs’ and got “kathy mccullough who needs magic’ and a blank, but ‘has’ makes me a dream come true because: “kathy has [b]50000 dollars to invest[/b]”
“Corinne has mastered this type of problem” Why thank you Google! I needed that. 🙂
Dana needs 300 Christmas lights with equal amounts of four colours. (I think that it is a math problem)
Apparently that Bachelor girl Desiree ruined it for me because all of mine are about getting engaged and some guy named chris. I don’t NEED a guy named Chris GOOGLE!
I typed my name into Google and nothing interesting came up. But I typed “Jenny has” and it had this as one : jenny has a circular cylinder with a lid. Sounds like Pringles to me!
Laura has just complimented Mitzi
Bridgett didn’t come up with anything, damnit!!!
apparently no one has ever googled “‘Leah needs…” 🙁
Melissa need a bag of marbles. What?
Katherine has… time powers, bad luck, a physics exam tomorrow, and a baby. Wow Google, you don’t know me at all!
(I wouldn’t mind time powers though. Those sound damn useful)
Abigail needs… some space. Touche, Google, touché!