Who actually IS here to fuck spiders?

The other day I was posting something in instagram, and then instagram decided to suggest a hashtag.

Specifically, the hashtag #NotHereToFuckSpiders:


First off, it seems weird that there are two hashtags for people who claim they aren’t afraid of spider because whatever, liars, but “NOT HERE TO FUCK SPIDERS”?  Because who is here to fuck spiders?  Why are so many people needing to use this disclaimer?

So I looked it up (because who doesn’t want “Not here to fuck spiders” in her internet search history, right?) and Urban Dictionary says it’s another way of saying “I’m not here to fuck around”.  Because when people have down time they’re likely to have sex with spiders.  I guess?  The english language is baffling.



118 thoughts on “Who actually IS here to fuck spiders?

Read comments below or add one.

  1. My fetish revealed. Imagine my surprise to learn I’m not the only one.
    Arachnid sex is best. Why settle for two legs when you can enjoy eight?
    OK, now I’m just freaking myself out. shudder

  2. It must be a British thing. They are pretty creative with language.
    I’ll try it and see what kind of reaction I get. 🙂

  3. How exactly would that even work? I mean, even a bird eating spider isn’t that big, and otherwise you’d have to have a bunch of really coordinated spiders. Now I’m thinking about Ant Man porn. Happy Wednesday! XD

  4. Whoa…. oh ewwww…. confused pictures in my head I don’t need…shudder…

  5. Maybe someone IS here to make love to spiders. Maybe not spiders in general, but maybe a certain spider? Perhaps someone with a lifelong love of Charlotte? They’d like their progeny to live on with eight legs? I don’t know. It takes all kinds, right?

  6. Turns out if you look up the hash tag #heretofuckspiders there are 5 posts! So, it’s not any of us, but there’s something for everyone, I guess?

  7. In Dutch you can call someone a ‘mierenneuker’ meaning ‘ant fucker’. It means someone who frets a lot over tiny details. It is also a verb ‘mierenneuken’. In a sentence: “I know you changed the logo for my website about lightbulbs 10 times already, but could you try another change of red?” “Urgh no! I don’t have time for all this mierenneuken!”

  8. Why spiders. Most folks squish spiders. Men squish boobies sometimes but they sure don’t yell “take that” when they (I mean the boobies) explode. Although men have been known to yell eeuuuuuugh (like when I see spider) when they explode (I mean the men). Never mind… I now have a headache …

  9. One morning I got up to find a dead squashed spider in the middle of the bed. So I might have actually had sex with a spider. Fortunately I have no eggs left, so no worries about spider babies.
    Meow Meow Meow

  10. I knew a guy in college who would laughingly refer to himself as ‘needle-dick the bug fucker’; perhaps he was there to fuck spiders?

  11. I love how the examples have the term being utilized by a boss and a coach…like this is a phrase that is commonly uttered by upper management and mentors? Really? I would think that would get you a meeting with HR or a pissed off parent.

  12. I’ve never seen a single entry on Urban Dictionary that accurately described something I’d ever heard a real person say. It’s completely insane. I swear it’s just one really bored guy making up random shit and seeing how many people he can trick into believing it.

  13. It really is baffling, especially because it’s easier to say ‘i’m not here to fuck around’ than this crazy talk about spiders.

  14. Jenny, you MUST add the line “I’m not here to fuck, Spiders” to your marvel/avengers ongoing comic. I’m sure there’s a way to work that line in! 🙂

  15. I can’t even imagine the leg cramps you’d have with eight legs.

    This is happening because of gay marriage, isn’t it?! DAMN YOU, OBAMA.

  16. I just scared the cat- laughing so hard. Now this cat- she is a spider slayer- not fucker. Me? Definitely not here to fuck spiders either. Bah ha ha ha… oh my…

  17. It’s a New Zealand phrase. Supposedly Peter Jackson used to say it a lot during the filming of the lord of the rings. Or at least that’s what Elijah Wood said on Conan. Don’t ask how I know.

  18. I’m certainly not here to fuck spiders. Even if you were a spider, fucking a spider can sometimes be fatal…

  19. It’s an Australian phrase, also used in reply to someone asking a question with an obvious answer.

    Such as walking into a bar and being asked “do you want a drink?” In which case you’d reply, “well, I’m not here to fuck spiders”.

  20. There IS spider/human pornography out there. I refuse to Google it, because it would scar me. But apparently there are people who like spiders. That way.

  21. from @jamiesmart:

    Spider flan
    Spider flan
    Who the hell cooked
    A spider flan
    Cut a slice
    Then despair
    Eggy spiders
    It’s gross
    Who made a spider flan

  22. Totally incorporating that into my every day language now. Thanks, Jenny. Or rather, may the people around me thank you.

  23. Soooo, apparently you haven’t read the comic Saga. Actually, it’s not nearly as terrifying as this probably makes it sound, and really good. Not explicit. But there is a spider-person in it and it’s clear that she and a human do have a sexual relationship. It’s not the main plot, but is part of the story.

  24. As a University of Richmond alumna (we are the Spiders), I’m not sure if this phrase is reassuring or disturbing…

  25. Anybody else immediately think of Vampire Orphan Club?

    Superman would be all, “I’m not here to fuck, Spiders! I’m here to kill Ironman and Batman!”

  26. I feel like this hashtag was not giving the spiders much agency. Who said that the spiders even wanted to fuck in the first place? Don’t they have a choice in the matter too?

  27. I was recently informed by my sister that the latest slang around her daughter’s colleges is the term “kicking dicks”, which means you’re just sitting around doing nothing. She needs to tell her daughter that that is definitely Not what you do with dicks! But, I guess it beats fucking spiders.

  28. There’s an oglaf cartoon that comes to mind, and you should not google or look for it, because it’s COMPLETELY NSFW and alien to all that is good and right.

  29. How big IS the spider? Is its web like a giant, bouncy waterbed? The Cure has a song called “Lullaby” about a kind of nightmarish, pedophile-ish spider/man. Maybe that’s where the saying comes from.

  30. So, here’s the thing about that phrase.

    Australians love to fuck with tourists. One way they do this is make up ridiculous phrases, and try to get tourists to believe that Australians actually say them. So, an American (or from wherever) tourist goes to a bar with his new Australian friend, and asks if his friend wants a drink. The friend says “Well, I’m not here to fuck spiders.” The American asks what it means, the Australian gives the explanation he came up with on the spot, and stifles a laugh.

    So, they go to the bar, the tender asks if they want a drink, and the American, playing it cool, says “Well, I’m not here to fuck spiders!” Now, since all Australians do this, and he can tell by the American accent this guy is being fucked with, the bartender plays along: “You sure aren’t, mate! What’ll you have?”

    In this way Australians get foreign tourists to say ridiculous things, while they all chortle quietly in the background. This may or may not be where the whole “shrimp on the barbie” thing got started. No one actually says “I’m not here to fuck spiders,” it was just a prank played on a tourist to Australia that didn’t get revealed before they got back, and now it’s become a thing.

    Note, that I’m American, and this was just what an Australian told me they do, so he may just have been fucking with me.

  31. I really like spiders. Seriously, I’ve had conversations like this with my wife:

    Me: Oh look–there’s a member of the genus Lycosa crossing the floor.

    There must be an opposite to arachnophobia and technically I guess that would be arachnophilia, but don’t let the name fool you. Even if I could I wouldn’t fuck a spider. I know too much about their mating habits.

  32. Oh my! Well I’m not here to fuck AROUND with spiders, that’s for sure! I made a special anti-spider spray for my apartment and I even have one of those handy hand-vacs that I use SPECIFICALLY to vacuum up any spiders I see! So spiders better not fuck with ME!

  33. Well, of COURSE no one wants to fuck spiders! I think some ambivalent phrasing is needed here, such as: #notheretofuckdoodlebugs (or sow bugs or pill bugs or whatever people call them). Then they will REALLY wonder what you mean!

  34. Wow! I love this phrase and will be incorporating it into daily life.
    Husband: Do you want to go out for dinner?
    Me: Well, I’m not here to fuck spiders.

    Husband: Hey, did you see my gray t-shirt?
    Me: Geez, Dave! I’m not here to fuck spiders!!

    Kid: Mommy, are you going to take a nap AGAIN?
    Me: Hey, dude! I’m not here to fornicate with Arachnids!

    This is so wonderfully useful and I’ll also make myself snicker. All good things. 🙂

  35. Why do people even MENTION spiders on the internet…much less hashtag the freaking things?? I can hardly stand to even see the word…and I twitch for hours afterwards…

  36. It’s an Aussie/NZ saying.
    We say a lot of random shit.
    When the example starts with ‘Mate’ generally just accept it’s an Aussie saying and carry on, they’re all too hard to explain.

  37. Could be like a bushy women!! I remember from teen years that a bushy girl looked like she had spider legs poking out from the leg holes of her panties! Lol!!!

  38. I’m pretty sure if I said I’m not here to fuck spiders to anyone I know they would look at me like I had four heads because spider fucking is NOT a thing. I would know. Probably. Welcome back Jenny did you go to any cemeteries and/or see any ghosts?

  39. I’m a Kiwi and I’m not familiar with the phrase at all. Got to be an Australian thing, they’re cruder than us 😀

  40. OK so I clicked through because there is a band from Australia who uses this phrase in a video: King Parrot. The video is awesome and strange and I even though I don’t really like that kind of music I kind of love them.

  41. So if you ARE there to fuck around, can you just say, “I’m totally here to fuck spiders?” Or can you say, “He’s a total spider-fucker” if he’s just there to fuck around? Or maybe, “Don’t be a spider-fucker, Bob,” when you’re trying to get work done and your cube-mate is listening to Fox News?

  42. Wait, on a prior post…wasn’t it established that the nickname for Spider-Man was Spiders?! Maybe that search term there to let everyone know that they aren’t there to fuck Spider-Man.


  43. It’s true, though. I’m definitely not here to fuck spiders. So I guess I need to start putting that hashtag on everything? How about #NotFallingForABananaInMyTailpipe? Also completely accurate.

  44. Obviously someone has been telling tales outside of Orphan Club — poor Spiders. Not only is he a radioactive orphan, but he can’t get laid. sigh

  45. Soooo using this in my next meeting. Of course I’ll bleep the f word, like ‘come on everybody, let’s brainstorm, we’re not here to penetrate spiders.’ That should work

  46. I believe it’s an Australian thing, Apparently they love to tell tourists all kinds of off the wall stuff like this to mess with them.

  47. Have heard of it. Have said it. Definitely an Australian thing, and not just a joke on Americans! It’s a handy phrase when you are asked if you want to do the very thing you CAME THERE FOR (often drinking) – for example, at a music festival, your companion might ask “Want to tackle the lines at the bar?”, and you’d answer “Well, I’m not here to fuck spiders”.
    Similarly used for eating at a restaurant, starting a meeting at work, hitting the waves at the beach etc.

  48. @Shannon G OMFG! Obviously the Count is here to fuck not just spiders but every fucking thing else!!! I laughed so fucking hard at all of his fucking! That video was fucking hilarious! Shit, now my brain is going to be stuck singing that fucking song. FUCK! Oh, but just to clarify, I’m not here to fuck any spiders either. And that any of us felt the need to clarify that is…. Fucking Scary. This is officially the most I’ve ever used the word “fuck” in any post, ever. I’m fucking serious, it really fucking is. Thanks Jenny and Shannon G.

  49. Hashtags are weird. People who need to clarify whether or not they fuck spiders are weird. But, we’re all a little weird, so I just go with it (the weirdness, not the bug fucking).

    It’s two o’clock somewhere, so I’m calling nap time now.


  50. What happened to the expression, “fucking the dog” meaning you weren’t actually working while at work?

  51. Sounds like an Indian Scout madeup name…Not Here To Fuck Spiders, kindof like Stands With A Fist, ya know? My husband went on a canoe trip with his brother and two young nephews. They gave him the Indian nickname Two Flies Fucking because it was hot and on his sweaty back were the aforementioned flies. We even made t-shirts.

  52. My uncle worked in a French company, where to waste time was “to bugger flies”. Only in French, obviously… I can’t remember what it is. There were enough English-speakers on the team that they came up with their own version. “We’ve got another fly-fucking meeting tomorrow morning.”

  53. Oh, Sweetie. It’s beyond us. But any language that can come up with Fo’shizzle should not be analyzed too closely:). In my humble opinion.

  54. See, now this is why people are really afraid of spiders. Normally, they’re all nice and misunderstood and they eat the bad bugs on your houseplants. But when you start to get rapey on them, they start to get bitey right back and think of how uncomfortable that spider bite will be. Thus the need for a hashtag, I suppose…it lets the spiders know that they can go in peace as there are currently no plans to sex ’em up.

  55. I think it is meant to be read as a direction: ” No, THERE to fuck spiders” in case you were going through wrong direction to find the spiders that you wanted to fuck.

  56. This makes me feel old and like the slang my children will use (when they’re old enough to use slang) will be such a foreign language to me that I might as well assume I won’t be able to talk to them at all.

  57. I’m seeing a lot of spiders lately because spring. Spiders, admittedly, are the ONLY thing I don’t like about this beautiful season. It’s like they all come out for their own freak parade. And now, thanks to this post, I’m not only seeing them and thinking “ewww”. I’m saying it out loud. This HAS to be a language thing.

  58. Is this a weird Aussie thing? Instead of nature trying to kill you, you go all preemptive fucking on their ass?

  59. Ye, gods, is this another one of those ironic plushie things? Just another thought…

  60. Going vegan has many profound benefits in regards to the psychotropic potentiality of one’s mind. One fond memory comes to mind in particular…

    My man friend Srinivas, lady friend Smupa and I were on a small boat in the vast ocean, on a voyage of the mind, body, and soul. Suddenly enormous bubbles surfaced just under us, nearly capsizing our tiny vessel. A profusely foul odor was soon thereafter produced. I began to hallucinate upon a starry midday perch while Srinivas began to vomit all of the frustrations dwelling in his mind and stomach. Smupa began to smile in a most uncontrollable manner while snorting more funny stuff.

    I then immersed mind, body and soul into the collage of colors and emotional isotopes surrounding our essence. My mind was transported back to the age of my love’s aquamarine visions, recalling the existential blockage that was soon breached. The quickly vacating negativity of life’s many preoccupations were finally vanquished, reminding me of the many egomaniacal blowhards and their rantings, whence they were justifiably summoned to another parallel existence.

    I was then transported back to the present, and Smupa then broke wind from the bottom. This served as an epiphany. I then posited that whales must fart. How else could we explain the bubbles that nearly capsized us in our tiny vessel?

    Within a fortnight, Smupa came to me with her research. Following is a transcript of her findings:

    The short answer is yes, whales do indeed fart, flatus or pass gas depending on how you like to phrase it.

    In fact whales, dolphins and porpoises are all marine mammals belonging to the cetacean species and they are all known to fart.

    Today there are around 80 – 90 known species of cetacea currently in existence and they encompass all of the worlds major oceans from the tropics to the coldest of the northern and southern polar hemispheres.

    When it comes to passing gas, farting is a common characteristic that most land and marine mammals have in common with one another.

    Passing gas allows animals to release air that is trapped inside their stomach, which could lead to digestive problems, stomach cramps or other complications if not removed from the body.

    When an animal passes gas or farts the air that comes out of the body comes primarily from two main sources.

    The first source comes from oxygen that is pulled in through the air either while breathing (inhaling and exhaling) or when consuming food or drinking water; and since all mammals eat food and require oxygen to survive they all take in air.

    The second source of air or gas comes from food that is broken down by enzymes, stomach acids and bacteria in the stomach, which creates toxic gasses that need to be removed from the body to prevent it from doing harm to the individuals digestive system.

    In order to release these gases animals need a way to expel them from the body and for most mammals this means that the toxic gas has to exit through either the mouth, which causes burping or through the anal tract which causes farting.

    The gases that are expelled from a fart are mostly composed of hydrogen, carbon dioxide, and methane.

    The reason some gasses smell worse than others is because of the breakdown of the foods involved.

    Certain foods can cause obnoxious orders when released as gas while others do not.

    From some of the statements researchers have made about whales farting they have concluded that yes, it stinks when a whale farts.

    When a whale farts or passes gas underwater the sound is believed to be suppressed by the surrounding water making it silent or at least quite compared to the gas that is expelled from land based animals.

    In some cases bubbles or clouds can be seen rising to the surface of the water when a whale passes gas.

    Those most likely to experience whales farting are likely to be researchers involved in following whales and researching their dung or gathering information about their gestation period, habitat, social structure and other important factors.

    In some cases this may also be observed by tourists and whale watchers that are hoping to get a glance of these marine mammals in their natural habitat.

    Unfortunately not much research has been done on this topic, however there have been researchers who have experienced and confirmed that yes whales do indeed fart.

  61. I would more likely use it as a warning to the spiders as I walk in holding a tennis racket with a colander on my head:I’m not here to fuck, spiders! Because commas save lives, mine included.

  62. OMG!! I’m so happy this popped up in my reader! This was so funny. It had me laughing on a corner like a creep at the resturant I’m at!

  63. I brought this up at an event last night.

    My random sample of 20-ish weirdos out of like 150-175 at the event are all of the mind that “not here to fuck spiders” is not an actual thing and the internet is playing some sort of trick on people.

    Also my group got a lot of weird looks from people walking by because I’m sure all they heard was “mmmblmblmmbl YEAHHHHHH TAKE IT, YOU HAIRY 8 LEGGED FREAK WHO’S YOUR DADDY mmmmbmmblmbl” as they walked by.

    Because that is where my scientific research into the colloquialism of spider-fucking went.

  64. But, but… spiders go bald if you pat them. So if you fucked them… you know what? They’d probably be all “well that was gross” and then they’d shed their entire skin just to get rid of human cooties.

  65. Isn’t Spider-man here to copulate with spiders?
    Of course, they try to keep that tidbit out of the funny books but…

  66. haha it is an Australian saying, and it is an actual saying that is used surprisingly frequently!

  67. Pretty sure it started out as Aussies fucking with American tourists, but the joke became widespread and its actually pretty funny and clever so people ACTUALLY use it now, only semi-ironically.

  68. Shannon G at my lucky Number 13 thank you, you’ve just made my day since I’d never seen The Censored Count before and I was in need of a laugh and god I laughed so hard now I’m crying. And thank you too Jenny! I’d forgotten about that particular Aussie saying, since I never use it. (Because I don’t want anyone to think I EVER fuck spiders, not that I’m just not going to fuck a spider HERE.) There are loads of other funny/weird sayings and insults, such as “ugly as a hat full of arseholes” (meaning unattractive) and “a face like a dropped pie” (meaning sad) and “carrying on like a pork chop” (being all melodramatic and shouty and shit. Like all pork chops do, apparently.) My favourite was one that Dad used to use, though it may be British in origin; “All over the place like a madwoman’s shit.” (“Shit” can be changed to “custard” for a politer audience, one that presumably thinks custard isn’t all that different to shit.)

  69. I actually found a guy on Facebook in one of those paranormal anti-illuminati groups (don’t ask why I’m in it), and he was like, “I have this recurring dream where I’m being raped by spiders. I really like it when I have that dream.” He was serious, like he followed it with posts about really liking that dream and it wasn’t sarcasm. It totally made me feel less of a train wreck, like compared to that guy, I’m actually pretty sane.

  70. As an Australian myself I can certainly confirm it is an Australian phrase. However, it seems to be a phrase that is largely used in the bush (keep it clean, that’s what we call both our lady garden AND the outback/country), mainly in Queensland (which can be one of the more, uh, redneck regions of our lovely country).

    I had certainly never heard it used (I grew up in Sydney’s inner-suburbs, where people were more into being artsy goths than fucking spiders), and first heard it when I worked in London with a butcher from country Queensland. Now it’s one of my favourites. My coworkers love it slightly less than I do, probably because I try to use it at least once a day. Usually at the least appropriate time possible.

    Another good one I learned from the Queensland butcher – when one is ready to do something / leave for an event / get moving, once should always cry “let’s fuck this puppy!”. It both confuses and horrifies your co-workers… in a good way, I think.

  71. Hahahaha! I’ve been intending to start a blog for a couple of years, but just couldn’t think of the right domain name. So, thank you. In a week or so, heretofuckspiders.com is going to be fab. <3

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