That’s how you get an infection.

Last week I saw a bunch of birds building a nest inside the sign of the liquor store, and the birds were so bad at building their nest that things were falling out of it and hitting passersby so I went in and told the cashier, “Hey, there’s a bunch of shit in your P hole,” because there totally was.

I know it's hard to see, but I assure you, that P hole is filled with birds.
I know it’s hard to see, but I assure you, that P hole is filled with birds.

And she just kind of stared at me and so I clarified and said, “I mean, not actual shit.  Birds.  There are a bunch of birds in your P hole.”  Then Victor was like, “Jesus, Jenny.  Phrasing” and I then realized how that sounded so I was like, “Oh.  Sorry!  Not YOUR P hole.  I’m sure your P hole is fine.  I mean the store’s P hole.  Shit’s falling out of it and someone’s going to get hurt.”  And she still just stared at me and I tried to explain that I was talking about the inside of the P hole on the sign outside but she still didn’t get it so I decided to just leave and that’s why we can’t go back to that liquor store anymore.

PS.  Yesterday I saw this on the side of a building:

Screen Shot 2016-08-19 at 12.13.45 PM

…and I was like, “Somebody should tell them that they’ve got a bunch of shit in their A holes” but Victor wouldn’t let me go inside to tell them because apparently he hates America or something.

153 thoughts on “That’s how you get an infection.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. That’s why it’s important to put those little spikes inside your P holes and A holes.

  2. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I can’t stop laughing. I think you’re phrasing was EXCELLENT. Victor just doesn’t appreciate it.

  3. This is why you’re so admirable. If it had been me I wouldn’t have said anything. I would have assumed they knew they had shit in their P-holes or A-holes. Or I would have been uncomfortable about telling them.
    Because I am a terrible person.

  4. Jenny Lawson. You. You should be bronzed. Because you are so hilarious. And you owe me a new keyboard. Because I spit coffee on it. From laughing. Not from my P hole….

  5. I think your blog needs to come with a bladder warning scale. Like a 1 is “you’re going to need to pee after reading this”, and 5 is “you should probably put on adult diapers first.” I could have used the warning. 😉

  6. I really really wish I had been in line standing next to you when this conversation took place. Hope the birds are able to build a comfortable nest. I stress about some of these friggin Eagles nests I see on tops of poles in the great wide open worrying they might blow off in heavy winds!!! Stressful.

    Have a great weekend to you, family and all your readers 🙂
    @WriterDann

  7. I just shared this post with my mother, and the following ensued:

    Mom: LOLOLOL – laughing so hard the tears are running down my leg . . .

    Me: Those aren’t tears in your P hole, mom.

  8. Read this on the heels of my husband’s account of a former co-worker, named Dick, who married an actual ho, and then died the day the marriage was to be annulled. She got everything.

    Lessons of the day: Keep your P-hole and your A-hole clean, and don’t be a Dick.

    Best. Friday. Ever.

  9. Spec’s should totally let you be in their commercials. Or at least allow you to do a public service announcement.

    I wonder if a Brazilian would take care of that scruff around the P and A holes or if they could get by with just a little trim…

  10. Someone please! Go in search of a store that has these 2 letters: P, Q
    Add birds.
    Then we can tell them to mind their Ps & Qs!
    (What, not as funny as Jenny? Yeah well even my daughter has told me that. “Don’t tell jokes, mommy, they’re not funny.” She was 6.)

  11. They blocked me on Twitter just for saying they were low for tweeting that a local Brewery was going out of business when they weren’t. If you tell them they have shit in their P-hole, they’ll block you for sure! I have a feeling their social media person is a p-hole blocker. Or an a-hole blocker. Same thing.

  12. I remember a TV ad for donut holes where they had plates labeled A and B and asked people which tasted better, A-holes or B-holes. I wondered how it got to stay on the air as long as it did.

  13. I guarantee that this is not even close to the weirdest thing she has ever heard. And on the off hand, if it is, cheer up! You probably convinced someone to either quit drinking or go back to school to get a new job.

  14. I mean, sure, you COULD say, “Birds have built nests in the sign on your building, and now debris is falling on people below.” But where’s the fun in that?

  15. Be thankful that there aren’t eagles, hawks, or herons nesting in that p hole. Their young back their a holes over the side of their nests and send projectile poop streaming as far as 12 feet away. Pretty impressive really…

  16. Poor Victor! Thanks for the good chuckle. My mom & step-dad were banned from our local TJMaxx store for their snarky comments about the items for sale. Of course being theater people, they were loud, projected and were very funny. But still asked to leave.

  17. Oh, thank you baby Zeus, this isn’t just me! The P key on my computer quit working this week and I went to our IT guy & said, “My computer won’t P.” He just stared at me and then said, “I think you’re confused on how computers work.” Then I stared at him for a minute, because I couldn’t figure out what the eff he was talking about. My head just kept saying, “OF COURSE the P key should work on a computer! And, you shoukd know this! You’re in IT!”‘

    We got it figured out & the good news (?) is I think he now better understands how my brain works!

  18. They should have built a little higher, because you could have told her she had birds in her C-pocket. Nice roomy C-pocket it is, too.

  19. Maybe you need to send a gift basket with a catheter and enema so they can take care of that. And now I’m going through the alphabet for more fun holes… B, D, O, Q…

  20. Not quite the same, but I just made a zucchini bread recipe with the eight ball squash I have growing in the back yard. That’s too much of a mouthful, so I just asked who wants Ball Bread.

  21. Totally needed this today. Relieved to know other people’s p- and a-holes are on the fritz.

  22. Lol oh man thats tooo funny I think if I was the cashier I would be busting out laughing too I was just looking kind of weird I know but still it was awesome😅😅😅😂😂

  23. Lol oh man thats tooo funny I think if I was the cashier I would be busting out laughing too I was just looking kind of weird I know but still it was awesome😅😅😅😂😂

  24. I was interviewing someone for a job once, and my co-interviewer interrupted the woman mid-sentence to yell, “Holy shit! A fucking bee!” Everything just stopped dead. Then she was like, “Sorry. I was just pointing it out in case anyone was allergic.” For some weird reason, your liquor store story reminded me of that, and then I laughed even harder at all the alphabetical letters that can mean something else.

  25. My favorite stories all seem to end with “…and Victor wouldn’t let me because he hates [America|freedom|happiness|words]”.

  26. That’s really funny because just yesterday I was telling/yelling at The Viking that we have shit in Every hole around here. And then we had a whole discussion about which holes we Can put shit in and which holes we Can’t put shit in. Surprisingly, we still have two holes that we aren’t sure if we can put shit in them or not. You wouldn’t think there would be ambivalence about shit and holes but there you have it.

  27. Of all the reasons you wouldn’t be allowed back in a liquor store, this was not on my top 100 list. Hell, it wasn’t on my radar, sonar or on that Tesla thingy that the government is hiding.

  28. Who builds a nest in the P hole of a liquor store anyway? Sounds like the birds have been spending all their time hitting the sauce and that’s why they can’t get their shit together.

  29. OMG, that is so funny. While reading this I was thinking there needs to be a sign with shit in their a holes and there was!!

  30. You’re not far off, those birds may be carrying Cryptococcus. There are lots of human pathogens found in birds. The owners of those buildings should really make an effort to relocate the nests for the safety of the birds and the human passers-by.

  31. People in general don’t know what to do with helpful info. I think they’re so used to people needing help they freeze up when folks like you are giving them obviously good information in a clear and concise format.

    It’s their problem, really.

  32. I hate it when people don’t have a sense of humor and can’t appreciate it when you try to have fun with them—make their workday more fun. Makes me sad for the other people in their lives.

  33. Stop looking at the sign lettering, I don’t know what you will do when you find a bird’s nest in an “O” or “o” hole.

  34. Yes, my husband can sympathize. Only thing is, at 5’2″ I’m not observant enough to note whether or not there is anything in the ahole or phole above my head and that’s almost sadder then knowing if there is shit in the ahole or phole. I think it’s time for wine now – lucky thing I have some in my box so I don’t have to go out and look up into, well, you know.

  35. My family HATES being in public with me because I challenge prices/return policies/rude and unfriendly sales associates/rude drivers/weird stuff that doesn’t make sense and pretty much anything I think is wrong or that I can do better. It’s a gift.

  36. I don’t know why you can’t go back… I mean, the problem was with THEIR p-hole, not yours. Unless you’re not going back because you don’t want to get the stuff from their p-hole on you. Although, I suppose drinking their products in the parking lot “for medicinal purposes just in case I get p-hole stuff on me…” would probably still be frowned upon. *sigh

  37. I recognized the signs on an impeding panic attack an took klonopin in time to nip it in the bud!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is a HUGE deal for me and and even though I still feel shaky on the inside this needed to be celebrated at least in some minor way. I know this will be appreciated here xoxoxo

  38. I should know by now, not to try to drink anything when I read your posts. Thank you for the laughs!!!!

  39. Now I’m going to be checking out P- and A-holes all weekend just so I can let people know there’s crap in them. I want to say this at least once!

  40. OK, Jenny. You always make me smile, but this had me laughing out loud and reading it to my husband, who by the way, could totally relate to compensating for his spouse’s mouth.

  41. WHY does this give me the mental/emotional fortitude to go deal with bank stuff!?? Not sure, but thank you, Jenny!!!

  42. I probably shouldn’t have been drinking coffee, or, anything for that matter, while reading this. 🙂

  43. The ‘A’ hole and the ‘P’ hole are always the most important holes.
    Victor should know that keeping them clean may require gentle reminders from people who care.

  44. Bwaaahahahahaaa!

    Thank you for making me laugh! Since first coming across your materials a few months ago, I can’t tell you just how much you’ve done for me simply by sharing your life’s stories.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!

  45. They should have listened. A bunch of shit in your P hole is a very serious condition and could have serious ramifications. This is no laughing matter. Except when YOU say it HAHAHAHAHA!!!

  46. Thank you. This made a coworker laugh. More selfishly, it made me laugh, when I don’t have much reason to.

  47. I love that of all the places they could have built a nest (a church, a hospital, a school), they chose a liquor store.That is so bad ass of the birds. I think they deserve those little sample size liquors for that reason alone.

  48. OMG- just what I needed after sending a Sherwin Williams paint chip through the drive thru at the bank. Love love love

  49. The Trump/Pence logo that lasted about a day had the t-of Trump passing through the p of Pence and I thought that if the designers had presented it as “Trump’s shaft erect in the P hole”, it wouldn’t have even gotten that one day…

  50. Literally LOLed.
    Once I was at Home Depot a bloody fragment of an eggshell fell from the ceiling. My toddler picked it up and my husband had a major salmonella freakout. I’m sure he’s right, but…still.

  51. I wish I could go shopping with you instead of with my husband. He’s not even as fun to shop with as Victor, and Victor hates _______!

    But for now, as I go out walking to get my daily 10k steps, I shall pay more attention to signage and look for shit in p-holes and a-holes. I may discover shit in c-cups and s-cups, too… We’ll see.

  52. I have to be honest, my husband would be right behind me saying “YES, your P-holes are full of shit – aren’t you going to do something out it? Huh? Let me know your plan.”

  53. Fun typography fact: hole in letters are called counters. So those would be a P counter and and A counter, respectively. Not that saying “you’ve got shit in your P counter” is really any better, but it is technically correct.

  54. I don’t have a way with words, so, suffice it to say “I LOVE YOU”!! I snorted coffee through my nose I’m laughing so hard, and I just wish I could somehow get the world read your blog (and possibly kidnap Trump, hiding him away forever, but that’s an entirely different topic)!! I didn’t even have to read the rest of your blog entry (but I did) once I saw the American sign. Thanks so, so, so, so, soooooo much for blogging and being funny, clever YOU!!

  55. Jenny, you have got to write another book! This stuff is priceless! I’m going to get in trouble at work for laughing uncontrollably.

  56. Too funny! I am gonna pee. I love you Jenny! (In my best Forest Gump voice)

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