So yesterday I thought it would be fun to leave free books around town and then post pictures of them so people could find them, and I finished one drop…
…and then 40 minutes later I was here:
Long story short, an alien was chewing its way out of my stomach and I started fainting and I couldn’t feel my hands or legs, and then I died. Except not the last part. But it felt like it. Plus the pain lead to a major panic attack so basically it was a great day. Victor was out of the State (BECAUSE OF COURSE HE WAS) but luckily, my friend Maile was there to drive me to the hospital and hold me against my wheelchair when I passed out and she stayed with me during many tests and morphine shots and she wrote down all the weird stuff I said while I was high and messaged it to me in real time because she’s awesome like that. Also, she took that picture of me at my request so I could prove to Victor that I was in the hospital because the morphine made me worried that I was dreaming this and apparently I thought Victor would be mad when all these bills came in from my dream.
Also, the nurse left this giant thing in my bed in case I needed to vomit and when I noticed it I was like, “This is the most unrealistic condom ever”…
…and then I started talking about cosmetic vagina surgery and about how I didn’t even know what it was supposed to look like best case scenario. Like, am I supposed to want a giant labia, or no labia at all? What are people asking these doctors for? Butterfly vaginas? Tiny moths? Vagina dentata? I asked the nurse and she was like, “Hell if I know. That shit’s crazy.” She was awesome.
Also, they said I had a very elevated level of lactate (?) and I was like, “That can’t be right. I couldn’t even breast-feed and I’m lactose intolerant.” But apparently this was something else related to infections or shock. In the end they gave me a bunch of meds, including one for irritable bowel syndrome and that was the one that finally made my stomach stop trying to turn itself inside out so I guess I can add that to my list of “WHY MY BODY IS AN ASSHOLE”.
I’d explain this all better if I wasn’t still on drugs to keep the alien inside me quiet. Sorry.
PS. My spellcheck tried to change “vagina dentata” to “vagina al dente”, which is taking weird to a whole new level. Quit it, spellcheck.
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And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!
Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:
This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Story Worth, which is a pretty cool idea I think I’m going to try myself. From them:”This year, give Mom a StoryWorth Book to preserve her stories. Each week, we’ll email her a question about her life – asking her to recount her favorite memory of her grandparents, or whether she’s ever pulled any great pranks. All she has to do is reply with a story, which is forwarded to you and any other family members you invite. At the end of the year, her stories are bound in a beautiful keepsake book your family will cherish!” Check it out here.