I appreciate your help but you’re wrong and you look like an asshole, spellcheck.

So I was writing a professional letter and spellcheck was like, “Nope.  You spelled ‘fucking’ wrong” and I was like, “Yeah, I’m pretty fucking sure I didn’t, spellcheck” but I’m open-minded so I looked at their reasoning and spellcheck was like, “You’re using the wrong subject-verb agreement, asshole.  This is how you conjugate verbs, yo.”

“And I fuck love margaritas”?  That cannot *possibly* be right.

And spellcheck has a point except that I was using “fucking” as an adjective, not a verb and it’s weird that I even have to explain this to a computer.

Frankly, I feel like I’m back in French class except with slightly more cursing and no French.

PS. I just did spellcheck on this post and got this:

I’m getting mixed messages here, spellcheck.  Or maybe it’s learning?  Let’s go with that one.  I need to feel like I accomplished something today.

113 thoughts on “I appreciate your help but you’re wrong and you look like an asshole, spellcheck.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Your spellcheck is an asshole for of assholery. Mine just told me assholery isn’t a word, that I want to use the word “gasholder”. What the fuck is a gasholder?

  2. The only thing I retained from high school French class is “Tu est un tete de merde” which translates, literally, to “you are a head of shit”. I think I had a better French teacher than you, Jenny.

  3. Your professional letters include swearing AND margaritas? I am hella jealous.
    L

  4. You would think spell check would figure out my name is Nemecek, not Nemesis all these years after the advent of the internet. Unless it thinks I really am its nemesis in which case, DUH because maybe if you spelled my name right. #fuckyouspellcheck

  5. A friend who I’ve never heard swear in the 24 years I’ve known her (I know) once sent me a text message in which “duck and cover” had corrected to “fuck and cover.”

    She. Was. Mortified.

    I still don’t know how she pulled that off.

    I do know that I very nearly required resuscitation after reading that text!

  6. I cannot stand spellcheck! It keeps telling me to use the word “duck ” or “ducking”. I’m fucking five feet tall!!!!!! I don’t have to DUCK ANYWHERE!

  7. My spell check gets me. I type ‘G’ and it goes right to goddamn. I type “F” and I get all the variations of fuck. It’s awesome. And not ducking judgy.

  8. At work I get to hear things like “I’m going to grab your penis with my finger-toes” and “I will sneak up on you in your tree blind with my camouflage yoga man-capris.”

  9. Fuck is one of those gloriously versatile words that can stand in for pretty much anything. Noun, verb, adverb, adjective… It’s like that Buffalo tongue twister, but better.

    I thought I had my spellcheck trained to my writing i dip um crazies pretty well, until I was writing an article for a client and it swapped “retarded” for “regarded.”

  10. Fucking spellvheck! (= adjective)
    I fucking love margaritas! (= adverb)
    Perhaps spellcheck would accept your grammar if you wrote it as “I fuckingly love margaritas!”. That would be a mite pedantic, however.

  11. Can I just say how much I HATE spellcheck….when the word is spelled wrong it doesn’t tell you, when you spell it right it wants to change it to something else entirely different…and when you damn well need to spell a word and don’t know how…..crickets….

  12. My phone autocorrect has a mind of its own and I’ve decided to just embrace it. Like oh my fish instead of oh my gosh. Sardines instead of awesome. Holy carp instead of holy crap. It has a thing for fish……

  13. As a PhD student in “epidemiology” my spell check has never been more confused on my dissertation. Pretty sure it just gave up and is now redlining randomly so it feels like it is still part of stuff. Also after year 5 of pursuing this…my parents still cannot pronounce “epidemiology”. 5 years of as a pushing 40 something, “Honey…what do you do again…??” OMG…

  14. Yeah, spell check is wrong. Anything ending with -ing is either a gerund or a modifier. I can’t imagine a case where a verb would end in -ing.

    Signed Word Nerd

  15. Can you explain what kind of professional letter requires such a sentence? Because apparently I have been writing professional letters wrong my whole life.

  16. Free Yourself! Turn that damned spellcheck thing off.

    I will, as I have always done, live and die by my own words.

    (Also, I’m now channeling Ron Swanson. Just seeing Season 7 of “Parks and Rec” and didn’t register the degree of political feisty they were bringing before power-watching it. Thanks NF!)

  17. I sent an email to the participants of a class I was teaching, talking about the potluck and what I was bringing. I know I typed DUCK green curry, but it changed it to FUCK green curry. There were women in the class who were in their 80’s.., fortunately, they were good sports, and we all had a good laugh. They still tease me about it though.

  18. Technically, since “fucking” is modifying “love”and you’re using love as a verb, in this case fucking would be an adverb, not an adjective. Should probably get the grammar right when arguing about grammar check being wrong. Hate it when that happens.

    Sorry. I’m an English teacher.

    Please don’t yell at me.

    (You’re totally fucking right. ~ Jenny)

  19. For some reason, even though I have never said or typed this phrase in my life, every time I type any variation of the word, “keep,” the auto-fill’s primary suggestion is invariably, “the Thetans.” The really creepy part is that I have “removed” this suggestion from my phone. More than once. =/

    Also, the fact that you state that you “fucking love margaritas” in professional correspondence is fucking AWESOME. (Side note – my auto-fill does immediately suggest 3 variations of the word “fuck” when I type the letter “f,” so, that’s cool.)

  20. Maybe you just need better punctuation, Spellcheck. As in “I was fucking. Love Margarita.” I think that’s much more grammatically correct, although it may be a little TMI. And who the hell is Margarita? Spellcheck–you two-timer!

  21. JENNY your blog cracks me up …thanks for keeping it real. And Spell check: tu me fatigues.

  22. I’ve installed the Grammarly extension on all the things….it actually works great. By-pass the default spell check and use it!

  23. Once I was looking over one of my son’s high school essays and spellcheck literally quit and went home. I got the error message “there are too many errors in this document for spellcheck to continue.” True story. I think spellcheck is just plain lazy. Like an employee who is low enough on the pay grade to be more of a hassle to fire than to just keep paying.

  24. I love that your professional letter includes the sentence, “I fucking love margaritas.”

  25. Autocorrect on my phone is also an asshole. It always wants to change fucking to ducking, which gives everything an entirely different meaning

  26. The green lines mean a grammar error. The red line is a spelling error. You are making spellcheck responsible for grammar check’s ignorance.

  27. I love that your professional letter gets to include that you fucking love margaritas: that’s my kind of professional! 🍹

  28. My spellcheck finally understands that ducking means fucking, and it autocorrects that shit for me. I hope I never write about that time I was ducking under a limbo stick or something equally ridiculous.

  29. So, across the Pacific Ocean, over there in America, is fucken a word? It is here in Australia, but I don’t hear it as much.

  30. Fuck is so versatile, it’s understandable the computer was confused. Al least it didn’t say it was misspelled.

  31. For a while my iPhone kept corrected Money to Monkey.
    “I don’t have enough monkey,” made me laugh at first, since you can never have enough monkey – but after a while I found it ridiculous, since iPhone’s cost a million dollars and should know better.

  32. This makes me feel so good because I’m building my blog and my boyfriend’s all like: “don’t swear, no one will hire you if you swear” and I’m like: “but this is how I speak/write!’

    Tell us Jenny, how’d you get away with swearing professionally so well?!

  33. From now on when spellcheck tells me I spelled a word wrong I’m just going to substitute “covfefe”.

  34. When I text “ducking” is what usually pops up. Not the same thing at all.

  35. My phone’s autocorrect keeps fixing all of my “you”s to “You” so that it looks like I am emphasising it. I want to shut it off but i make too many errors in my tying and I don’t look back at what I wrote to correct it myself.

  36. My spellcheck is as obsessive as I am. It gets stuck on a word and tries to correct every misspelling and typo to that word. And I make a lot of typos!

  37. My spellcheck corrected “holy fuck balls” to “holy duck bills,” which is now a go-to curse. For once, thank you, spellcheck!

  38. Spellcheck always tells me my name is wrong, first AND last, and I’m like, ” I think I fucking know how to spell my own name I’ve been writing it a long goddamn time, and second who the hell even are you to tell me words are wrong??? You don’t know me!” Then I have a drink and all is well

  39. It’s too hard to explain the back story so you’ll just have to trust me when I say that 4 little 5 year old boys (one of which was my own son) were sitting on some stairs using ‘fuck’ in every way they knew. They took turns. One said “Fuck that!” and the next kid said “Fuck it!” and the next one said “Fucking hell!” and my son said “Fuck Off!”. And then they got creative “Fucking Christ!”, “Stupid Fuck!”, “Fucktard!”…..for 5 year olds they were surprisingly good at cursing.

    My girlfriend and I were listening at the top of the stairs trying not to laugh. How can you punish a kid with Mickey Mouse eyeglasses while he’s brainstorming with 3 other kids? To this day, my son can use the word ‘fuck’ in more ways than any 3 other people.
    My latest post (because it won’t take it below): http://www.mrs-completely.com/funnywoman/a-slightly-kinder-version-of-hell/

  40. If my fucking phone autocorrects fucking to ducking one more time I am going to lose it. Nobody every is writing ducking. Nobody.

  41. Try Grammarly, it’ll cost you, but it is way better than spell check. This has become my best friend now that I am partying with menopause.

  42. The best part of this post is that you didn’t even bother to explain the context for which it was necessary to use “fucking love margaritas” in a professional letter!

  43. For Ruthie and all other people with the ducking problem, if you cuss enough, eventually your phone may learn. Mine did… which is leading to awkward situations like those recounted by some other posters. Only a matter of time before I send it to a colleague, which where I work, will not be pretty (can I please, please, please have Jenny’s job where such things are somehow still professional?!)

  44. My daughter’s name is Meara but spellcheck insists it is Meats. I taught my phone to let me use Meara but forgot that spellcheck on my tablet is a different animal and sent her teacher a message about “Meats” getting a scoliosis brace. Good job me!

  45. Auto correct will not let me use my dog’s name- keeps changing Shimmy to shit me.

  46. I think it’s funny you were writing a professional letter and it had in it ‘I fucking love margaritas’ LOL

  47. Spellcheck is always telling me that my last name is spelled wrong. I tell it to take it up with my husbands ancestors.

  48. Best one I ever received was a friend texted me “I easy lay for new porn” followed by “I’m on shovel”. What she ment to say was “is it two late for a new phone” and “I’m on the shuttle”. I laughed so hard I was crying and feel off my bed. That was two years ago and her texts are just as crazy. Thank god for spell check it adds endless hoy to my life 😂😂😂😂

  49. Hahahaha don’t you just looooove spellcheck… no thank you I don’t want to use concise language my essay has a word count and I can’t lose anymore words:)

  50. Spellcheck gave up on me and now the only message I get it “eh, do what you want, what do I care?”

  51. I’m imagining your computer having the voice of Clippy (Microsoft’s retired anthropomorphic paperclip assistant, for those who don’t remember) and it’s making this all the more hilarious!

  52. I thought finial was spelt ‘phinial’. Spellcheck helped me by changing it to phimosis. Good news: I now know a new word. Bad news: I sent this to my dad: ‘Hey dad, your phimosis looks great!’

  53. I tried to write a sympathy letter to a young friend when her dad died. She was appalled to read what “sexual” man he was. Thanks spell check! He was pretty special too

  54. Spellcheck is like the teacher who tries to trick you by pointing out errors that aren’t errors to see if you are smart enough to protest.

    Or maybe my teacher was just dumb and played it cool when I caught him.

  55. I love that spellcheck and auto correct do such random things. I mean when else would i type, “I ducking think this butch has it out for me. She yet again had ducked up my schedule and then looks at me like I am an assailed”
    I mean that doesn’t even make sense!
    It is kind of an adventure to see what auto correct can come up with next. And don’t even get me started on the voice-to-text!
    LOL

  56. This is nit-picky, but since “fucking” refers
    to “love” (not always the case, but in this example…) and “love” is a verb, doesn’t that make “fucking” an adverb?

  57. My spellcheck does not recognize the word “educable” (able to be educated). It wants to replace the word with “seducible” (able to be seduced). NO SPELLCHECK! Educable children are not seducible children!

  58. I am in detention and I really shouldn’t be able to post, but I don’t ducking care! 🙂

  59. When I’m feeling down, I LOVE to read bad autocorrects. It’s a good time. Before long I’m snorting and my husband is rolling his eyes at me because he has no sense of humor and doesn’t think accidental autocorrects are funny.

    The best is when they try to correct themselves and mess up again and again and again.

  60. I would love to write a professional letter where I could mention margaritas much less how much I would love one. 🙂

  61. I don’t comment here very often, but I thought everyone should know that I read spellcheck’s suggestions as “I am fucking margaritas”, “I was fucking margaritas”, etc. Which makes the sentence even more amusing, I think, because you can read that as either having intercourse with margaritas or being literally made of them. And somewhere in that is an unintentional metaphor.

  62. I feel ya’! Your computer is finally connecting and understanding who you are. You’re​ on the cutting edge of new technology. Better get a patent on that😂

  63. Siri thought she was smarter than me yesterday. I was trying to type “drove me to massages”, but Siri was like “drove you to Massachusetts?” No Siri, I meant “drove me to massages”…”oh you mean drove you to massacre”. God damnit Siri!!!

  64. Spellcheck/Grammar check doesn’t know shit. It keeps telling me to put commas where I know I do not need to put commas. In high school I got yelled at for using too many commas and now I get yelled at for not using enough. Commas are a fucking scam.

  65. Too funny! I love it when we get one over on our computers! It’s like humans are rising above the machines! LOL! Thanks for the chuckle!

  66. The problem with grammar checking and the use of the word “fuck” and its various derivatives is that, as I think Jim Wright pointed out, “fuck” can be any part of speech. It can be a verb — “I fucked her until we were both tired.” It can be an adjective — “that fucking cat scratched me!” It can be an adverb — “I fucking love science fiction.” It can be an interjection: “Fuck!” It can be a pronoun — “that stupid fuck deleted all our work!” And I’m sure there’s other completely grammatical uses, but you’ll have to consult a Marine drill sergeant or typical Navy man to get them all. Needless to say, any grammar checker that encounters the word “fuck” quietly has a nervous breakdown and retreats sobbing to a nearby closet…

  67. I fuck love spellcheck, so I make sure I listen to it’s advice about correctly conjugating verbs

  68. I just realized I’m using a computer so i will politely gather my ego and just leave now

  69. Um, one of my favorite words. However, not matter how many times I type it in to my phone (which is A LOT), I get the following options: duck, ducking, fick, flick…you get the idea! However, I type in ‘snot rocket’, pops right up. Are you fucking kidding me?
    😉

  70. Fuck is a verb? Or fucking is a verb, because dumb Fuck would be a noun…I think Fuck is pretty much one of those fluid words that can be anything fucking want it to be no matter what some dumber fuck says.

    (Really like what you have done to the place)

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  72. Really, I thought Szechuan was spelled wrong. (Of course)
    So then I googled it.
    You basiclly have too because Google spell check is stupid as fuck.

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