You guys. Just…NO. Okay, I started this on twitter a few minutes ago but it got too long so I’m moving it here. Twitter is backward so go to the bottom of the image and read upward until you’re caught up. I’ll meet you at the bottom.
So of course Victor is out of town because that’s what happens when a plague of rats strikes so I called our exterminator and was like, “I think I have lawn gerbils?” and I described them and she was like, “Girl, you got rats” and I was like, “THIS NEVER HAPPENED WHEN OBAMA WAS PRESIDENT” and she was all, “Um…ma’am?” and I apologized and told her I had a lot of other things going on and she was like, “Whatever, crazy” but in a nice way.
So she said that they could help but that it’s hard for them to catch rats outside and that I might want to try it myself with rat traps and I was like, “But I don’t want to kill them. Can’t you just live trap them?” and she was like, “For rats? No. We do that for squirrels and skunks and such, but we’re not going to trap and relocate rats. That’s just going to cause problems for someone else” and that’s true but it would create more business for them although in a shitty way, and I applaud them for being ethical but still wish they could remove these guys without hurting them. Then she told me that there was a poison that dehydrates the rats and makes them leave to look for creeks, but they’re in a bush right next to the pool so basically I’d have a lot of plague rats swimming in my pool and frankly that seems worse for everyone.
Also, she was like, “Do you have any birdseed out there, or nuts that are attracting them?” and that seemed like victim blaming but I explained that I didn’t and she explained that THEY EAT DOG POOP. WTF. And that both super grossed me out and made me really reconsider luring them inside to train them and put circus clothes on them because ew, but also it seems sort of beneficial? Like when you find a snake in your yard and you don’t kill it because it eats worse snakes? So I asked the lady if I could just let them stay and she was like, “NOOOO. THEY WILL GET IN YOUR HOUSE AND CHEW UP YOUR WIRES,” but probably not if I give them a dollhouse filled with food on the back porch and I could hear the lady shaking her head and she was like, “Listen. Just get some traps and see if you can catch them. For some reason rats really like cherry starbursts” and I was all, “I REALLY LIKE CHERRY STARBURSTS” and they just got even more human to me. But then I remembered that I actually like strawberry starbursts and the cherry ones taste like poison, so then it was less awful, but then I thought that if I did make friends with the rats they could eat all my cherry starbursts. You can see my predicament.
PS. The pest control lady could not see my predicament. I assume because she doesn’t have my imagination or my access to tiny rat-sized clothing.
PPS. This sucks.
PPPS. This post brought to you by Starburst! Kidding. Don’t sue me, Starburst. The rats started this. Not me.