A couple of months ago I read that Samantha Bee made Time magazine’s 100 Most Influential People of 2017 and I was like, “WHAT. SHE WORE MY NIPPLE ON HER FACE ONCE!” and then the strangers in line with me at the grocery store backed away quickly and I realized that I should maybe work on my phrasing. Then I tried to explain that it was a lucky prosthetic nipple someone gave me during my first book tour and that I was wearing it poking out of my dress at a conference because it’s a nice way to see if people care enough about you to point out that you have a nip-slip, and also it distracts them from all the other dumb stuff you’re doing. Samantha passed the test and was like, “Nice nipple” and so I peeled off my nipple to show her it wasn’t real and she licked it and stuck it on her forehead while we finished our drinks.
But then I couldn’t find any pictures or even remember who I was with so this happened so I went to twitter:
And then I finally decided I must have just imagined it but my friend Karen just texted me: “I FOUND THE PHOTOGRAPH OF SAMANTHA BEE WITH YOUR NIPPLE ON HER FOREHEAD.” And now I’m very relieved because I was starting to think I was going crazy but here’s a picture of one of the most influential people in America wearing my nipple on her face while we were day drinking and I’m pretty sure that proves that I’m perfectly normal.