NIPPLE FOUND.

A couple of months ago I read that Samantha Bee made Time magazine’s 100 Most Influential People of 2017 and I was like, “WHAT.  SHE WORE MY NIPPLE ON HER FACE ONCE!” and then the strangers in line with me at the grocery store backed away quickly and I realized that I should maybe work on my phrasing.  Then I tried to explain that it was a lucky prosthetic nipple someone gave me during my first book tour and that I was wearing it poking out of my dress at a conference because it’s a nice way to see if people care enough about you to point out that you have a nip-slip, and also it distracts them from all the other dumb stuff you’re doing.  Samantha passed the test and was like, “Nice nipple” and so I peeled off my nipple to show her it wasn’t real and she licked it and stuck it on her forehead while we finished our drinks.

But then I couldn’t find any pictures or even remember who I was with so this happened so I went to twitter:

And then I finally decided I must have just imagined it but my friend Karen just texted me: “I FOUND THE PHOTOGRAPH OF SAMANTHA BEE WITH YOUR NIPPLE ON HER FOREHEAD.”  And now I’m very relieved because I was starting to think I was going crazy but here’s a picture of one of the most influential people in America wearing my nipple on her face while we were day drinking and I’m pretty sure that proves that I’m perfectly normal.

 

120 thoughts on “NIPPLE FOUND.

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  1. We’ve all had those adventures that end with pictures that we are pretty sure will be used as blackmail for the rest of our days. That’s how you know you have great friends.

  2. My love for both you and Samantha Bee just reached an all time high (which I didn’t think was even fucking possible), and I want to be best friends with you both. Like real bad. Oh, and it would be a dream come true if my nipples were on both of your foreheads. #lifegoals

  3. I feel like the line, “Jenny, Samantha Bee, and a prosthetic nipple walk into a bar…” is the start of a really amazing story. Please tell me you’ll write that story?

  4. I REALLY hope she left it on all day just to check out other people’s reactions to her nip head!! EXCELLENT!! Wish I would have seen it!! Did anybody suck it off?? 🙂

  5. That woman in the background there looks awfully darn judgmental of Samantha Bee wearing your nipple. Bet whoever she is she wishes now – now that Sam B is so influential, she’s have at least been smiling and nodding in approval.

  6. Whew! I thought it was a really giant zit and someone really needed to hold her down and do something about it!

  7. What a great nipple. Having on a forehead totally works when you bend over and kiss someone on their forehead you can have a little you know…

  8. I can’t even explain how happy I am that I live in a time that includes both you, Jenny, and Samantha Bee. AT THE SAME TIME.

    Seriously. Because we need you both. Desperately. 😊

    And can I just tell you that, despite the fact that I don’t really drink because alcohol goes straight to my head and I get very earnest and philosophical all at the same time, my new goal in life is to go day drinking with you both. #IWish

  9. …did I miss the “nipple missing” post??
    I can see the posters … lost … one nipple picture…

  10. Pish! Normal is vastly over-rated. Actually, I’m not sure “normal” is even a thing. People who appear normal are probably faking it and have a fridge in their basement full of eyeballs and pug paws. No one wants to be like that.

  11. Hmm, it’s no prosthetic forehead on your real forehead, but it’s a close second.

  12. Wish I was wearing one now. I’m at Subway next to a hospital, in a wheelchair with a broken foot. I would love to watch the reaction of all the med. workers who are in line for their lunch order.

  13. This is why it pays to follow you on Twitter & be your friend on Facebook. It all makes sense and is not crazy in the least. 🙂 Also, I <3 Sam Bee.

  14. I came over from Twitter to Nip my curiosity on your Twitter post. You and Samantha Bee were sisters or twins in another life for sure.

  15. I’m having a bad day with my anxiety attacks and this just made me feel so much better. Thanks Jenny for being you and thank you everyone on here for being just as crazy as her. Love you all 😘

  16. ok, no. you are EXTRAORDINARY b/c
    you write like no one else (I wanted to say like a mofo but I’m being polite)
    you ALWAYS make me laugh
    YOU WERE DAY DRINKING W/SAMNTHA BEE

  17. So hold on….your nipple went missing and was found on Samantha Bee’s forehead….now your blood’s gone missing….have you checked Samantha Bee’s colon???

    I say subject her to some human shish-kabobing and see what you find. She won’t mind. She likes that kind of thing.

  18. Wow! Your followers really came through for you. I keep trying to find the picture of Grandpa showing off his trout but no one notices the fish because Grandpa’s huge penis is falling out of his shorts. I ask people about it all the time but I just get blank looks and then nervous laughs. Great ending for YOUR story though. :o)

  19. You are definitely not normal.
    Unfortunately, “normal” people are not ever as funny or as entirely and utterly engaging as you are.
    I am certain that I am not the only (decidedly NOT normal) person who is really not a blog-follower, but who who follows your blog and no other.
    Thank you for not being normal. All us other not-normals need and love you.

  20. No, Jenny, you are not normal.
    That is why all the rest of us Not-Normal people love you so very much.
    Sadly, most “normal” people are never as hilarious or as utterly engaging as you are.

  21. Once again, you have made my day. Where did you get the prosthetic nipple? It looks like something that could come in very handy in so many ways.

  22. Gives new meaning to “taking a nip” of something. 😉 We are regular watchers of Samantha Bee! Woo Hoo!

  23. “Normal” people are, sadly, never as utterly engaging and hilarious as you are.
    Plus, all of us Not-Normal people love you for being not-normal.

  24. There is a they might be giants song I feel somewhat applies to this, only instead of prosthetic nipples on foreheads it was fake foreheads on their real heads. The album is “flood” and it feels very relevant to our current situation.

  25. Omg I love you.
    I wish cool stuff like this would happen to me and it might except that I seldom leave my house.
    My dogs would probably chew my prosthetic nipple if I had one and I dropped it. 🐶

  26. It stands to reason that two of my favorite people in the whole wide world would not only know each other but share nipples.

  27. One of the most wonderful things about you is that you come prepared for weird. Not only are you ready and willing to participate in whatever weirdness is happening, you actually bring the props. Awesome!

  28. No no no no, you don’t want to be normal! Normal is boring. You are much, much better then normal. Also, this is hilarious and I just choked on a piece of popcorn while reading this.

  29. At first I read your intro as, “What. She wore my nipple on her face ONCE!” And I thought, “Yeah, I could wear Jenny’s nipple on my face, like, a hundred times and still not make TIME’s list.”
    But even that’s not true. I’ll never experience the influential magic of the Jenny-nipple-third eye. My work is learning to be okay with that.

    Love you, Jenny & Sam Bee!

  30. I totally squealed out loud when I saw that picture! How awesome! You’re better than normal, Jenny. You’re fucking LEGENDARY!

  31. I like wearing the prosthetic nipple on my forehead because then you’re like a tiny day drinking unicorn princess of fun & inappropriateness.

  32. Why is no one asking how why someone gave you a nipple in the first place? “Hi, nice to meet you! Here’s a lucky prosthetic nipple.” That’s how most human interactions go right?

  33. My mom’s internet has been down for two days, so I am going to have to call her to read her this because its so wonderful.

  34. Jenny, next time you wonder why the weirdest googled phrases direct people to your blog remember that “nipple found”, “she wore my nipple on her face” , “nice nipple” , and “your nipple on her forehead” all appeared in the same post. Just saying.

  35. If you say it happened then I don’t need photographic proof, but I bet Time Magazine wished they had that photo to run in their article.

  36. You needn’t have stressed over proving you’re perfectly normal. We all know you are, Dear. That’s right. It’ll be okay. Just take these lovely little tic-tacs… here’s some water to help you swallow them. That’s right. backs away slowly

  37. I am NOT a fan of Samantha Bee but I’m a huge fan of you because you bring whimsy everywhere you go. 🙂

  38. This is amazeballz! Or awesome sauce! Or whatever the cool kids are sating these days!

  39. Like a third nipple? Are those for real? My Dear sister used to drag race her Chevy’s in high school, back many decades before the invention of Air Bags. but we always new she would be ok in if she ever wrecked her Chevy’s while racing, she sport double – GG’.

  40. I am so tempted to add this to her wikipedia page but there is not enough caffeine in the morning to figure out how to describe it.

  41. I read Furiously Happy a while back and I work at the corporate office of Sally Beauty. We have a facebook page for employees, store and corporate. Someone posted on there today that a therapy pony was came to their store today for hair extensions. I immediately thought of you.

  42. I am so tempted to tell my friends about prosthetic nipples, but I’m afraid it would have a negative effect (Can’t people just deal with our crazy sides, like come on)

  43. I feel like I need a prosthetic nipple now. Not just becauae I actually only have one nipple, but because the majestic nipplecorn is to beautiful to resist

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