Hello. Dog here.

Victor told me to look at the drive-thru window of our local burger joint and I didn’t get why until I suddenly saw it and then I couldn’t stop laughing.


And Victor was like, “Wait, what?” and I explained that that’s how dogs would order hamburgers because they don’t know the real words for them and Victor was like, “But why are they hiding under the bed?” and I explained that the best place to hide food is under the bed because your angry owner can’t reach you while you’re desperately scarfing it down and also because if you want animal crackers in the middle of the night you can just reach under the mattress and not disturb anyone and then Victor was like, “Wait, is that why I keep finding cookies under the bed?  WE’RE GOING TO GET ANTS” and I sort of see his point but also ants would never live under our bed because they’d be continually disturbed by our pets guiltily lurking under there with all of the burgers they’ve stolen off our plates.


90 thoughts on “Hello. Dog here.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I wish I had a dog now to take through a drive through and ask for some nugs and chips with a thick shake. Yeah, crumbs in the bed are a no no.

  2. This is amazing 😂❤️

    Also, I totally approve of bedroom snack stashes. But bedside table–under the bed is too inconvenient! 😉

  3. We used to take our Golden Retriever through the drivethrough at McDonald’s all the time. His standard order was small fry and a large water. Sometimes we’d get him a Happy Meal if the toy was good…

  4. A few years ago, my husband was home with our previous dog. She came walking out of our bedroom with something in her mouth and at first, he thought it was a tennis ball. When she laid down and started chewing, he realized it was a garlic knot we had thrown away a few days earlier. No idea how she got it. He took it away and she headed back to our bedroom. My husband followed her and found out she had another garlic knot and some bread stashed under our bed, I guess for when she wanted a snack. We never figured out how she got the food.

  5. My 4 pound Chihuahua was a master at grabbing food and dashing under the downstairs guest room bed. I once saw that dog drag a piece of pizza bigger than his entire body under there at the speed of light. He didn’t come out for an hour and when he did he was covered in pizza sauce and had a very self-satisfied doggy grin.

  6. Oh Mah Goodness that is amazing, and it also reminds me of something I keep meaning to post. My family just moved to a new house, and when I went to the drive-thru at our new neighborhood’s pharmacy, THERE WAS A BOX OF DOG BISCUITS IN THE WINDOW JUST LIKE THE PICTURE IN YOUR BOOK!!! I marshaled my tiny stash of Talk To Strangers powers, and asked the lady why there were dog treats on the counter. Without hesitation, she said, “for our doggie customers.” She said one of their regulars not only brings their dogs along on drive-thru errands, but that one of the dogs is blind, and the other is his seeing eye dog. The seeing eye dog sits in the front passenger seat, takes a biscuit, TURNS AROUND AND HANDS (mouths?) THE BISCUIT TO HIS BLIND FRIEND and then takes a second biscuit for himself. If I had not read your book and already known that drive-thru-pharmacy-dog-biscuits were real to start with, I would have been too baffled by their very existence to even begin to ask this question, and would have missed out on this wonderful slice of my neighborhood. Thank you for helping prepare me for life!

  7. Animal crackers under the bed is better than a bell so when your dog is annoyed with you he hits it incessantly in the middle of the night. I don’t know how it even got there but I suppose it makes for a funny memory now.

  8. Dogs and little kids always greet me at the door, and make my day, when I am delivering pizza, I’ve got perks! Thanks for making me smile.

  9. Just in case you DO get ants: I’ve been trying ALL YEAR to get rid of the stupid things. Every time I kill one nest another one springs back to life. BUT I FINALLY GOT THEM ALL! The secret? Butternut soup laced with Borax. They were gone in a day! Who knew? So now you know what to do if the ants come marching into your bedroom. (Though I’m pretty sure Victor might disapprove of putting globs of Borax soup under your mattress, come to think of it…)

  10. My cat often looks at us serenly and thinks to himself: “In another world, and a not too distant one, I stand triumphantly over your corpses, you cows.”

  11. My dog’s last meal was a cheeseburger. She loved it and I loved her enough to go get it for her. (She never used her turn signals and always rode the clutch, but she was a good girl otherwise.)

  12. This post is one reason why I have perfected the silent-uncontrollable-laughter-in-cube mode while at work. And why I have Kleenex in reach since all my guffaws go out my eyes. Stop. Being. So. Damn. Funny. It hurts work productivity.

  13. I volunteer at a local deathrow rescue, we often take our boarding dogs thru the drive thru for cheeseburgers. Now I know what the patrons in the restaurants think- thanks for the insight. If you would like to see some of our babies chowing on some burgers I surprised my husband for his birthday and we fed all 50 dogs in boarding cheeseburgers, here is the video (I dare you not to smile while you watch): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eh3ZblZwJHU&t=11s

  14. Crumbs in bed? Pffft. This is why I keep a Dustbuster vacuum next to my bed. Problem solved.

  15. When I worked at McDonalds there was a customer whos dog would hand you the money, and then got rewarded at the pick up window with a nugget 🙂

  16. I have repeatedly unsubscribed from your blog but I keep getting emails. How do I stop these

    Sent from my iPhone


  17. The absolute seriousness in that dogs eyes communicates one thing only – don’t fuck with me or my burger!

  18. My friend and I used to go antiquing a lot back when her dog was still with us. Her dog and mine were BFFs. During our escapades we’d always stop through “The Magic Window In The Wall.” We had a little song and dance for it and everything. Her dog was a Brittany and mine is a Dachshund and they knew what was coming. They’d both shake with anticipation and when the bags got into the car and we pulled over so everyone could have a snack, well, you’ve never seen chicken nuggets and plain hamburgers disappear so fast in your life.

  19. My bank drive through has a jar of dog treats, but also a small jar of BIRD TREATS, because one of their customers comes through with a parrot! When I found that out, I wanted to pull up a chair and wait til the bird came back.

  20. Oh fuck Jenny! This could not have come at a better time. I’m still smiling. I really needed it. Thank you. I hope you are well.

  21. Omg soooo much truth in one post. Ps I totally understand what you were saying. Also under the bed is where our cats went when they stole food because we couldn’t reach them. Soooo much truth 😂

  22. Actually in our house it’s more like, “Goddammit Tony get down off the WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ON THE COUNTER NO GET DOWN GET DOWN NO GET YOUR FURRY FACE OUT OF THAT. It’s human food, not kitty food you big dumb fuzzball.”

  23. Victor is being unreasonable. First of all, why are you being blamed for the pets dragging cookies under the bed? You didn’t train them to do that. (Well, I can’t know for sure you didn’t, but if I were able to train animals to do something with cookies, it would not be hide them under the bed, it would be bring them to me. This seems obvious).

    Also, you need the cookies to be there. Because if you get trapped there with non working arms, that is how you will keep from starving to death.

    It is important to think of these things from the correct perspective.

  24. I stared at this picture for like 10 minutes thinking… what am I missing and why is Jenny talking about a dog hiding food under the bed? Then I saw it. Duh! I’m a little slow but wouldn’t that be a fun game to find the hidden golden retriever? Thanks for the ‘find-the-hidden-dog’ puzzle, even though it technically wasn’t a puzzle to your more astute readers. :-/

  25. My mother’s dog loved tomatoes so much that Mom couldn’t grow them. They would ripen, then they would disappear. Then we’d have to dig the dog out from under the bed, but at our own risk. Lift the dust-ruffle and lose a nose! That dog became a crocodile when it came to protecting her food. All 6lbs of her fuzzy self.

  26. I once had a cat that stole both patties out of a Big Mac without disturbing the lettuce or buns. I still have no idea how that happened. I could totally see her storing them under the bed until she was ready to finish them, though!

  27. I really wish my brain worked like yours. I would’ve totally laughed at the doggie in the drivethru, but I never would’ve come up with that doggie order! Goodness. You just have the best ideas ever.

  28. When I worked in fast food, my favorite parts of my job was seeing dogs in the drive thru. For a while we even got to hand out dog treats! It was magical. There’s nothing better in this world than making a dog happy.

  29. As a side note, have you considered an anteater as your next pet? They’re kind of cute with their long snouts, and Victor has to love their ability to suck up ants from the smallest crevasses.

  30. Had to move my mother-in-law to a senior living community several years ago and not sure whether she or her dog was the worst hoarder. I’m giving mother-in-law the benefit of the doubt here and ASSUME it was the portly Chihuahua who had stashed gum and candy bars (and tons of empty wrappers) under the bed. Really … could have been either of them now that I think about it.

  31. For 17 years my deepest love and soul mate was a magnificent very large polydactyl long haired cat.
    One time I had just taken a large steak off the broiler and put it on my plate on the kitchen counter when there was a knock at the door. It took me less than a minute to get rid of the person and when I came back, the steak was GONE. Just. Gone. The whole thing.
    I finally found it.
    Perched on top of the cat’s food bowl, since it was too big to fit into the bowl.
    I laughed until my stomach hurt and then shared the steak with my cat.

  32. Our dogs love errand days – at the bank they get a dog biscuit, at Starbucks/Caribou Coffee they get pupperchino (little cup of whip cream), at whatever fast food we hit they get a plain burger 🙂

  33. Not too long after Otto joined our household, I was wondering about our dwindling supply of coffee cups
    Once I looked under our bed, I solved that mystery, (11) cups stolen from my wife’s and my nightstands over several weeks were squirreled away down there

    Otto was miffed when I recovered them, headed for the dishwasher

  34. First off I had to explain this photo to my husband, so now he either needs a new sense of humor or glasses.

    True story: when one of my kids were younger and sick, one of our former female cats used to steal food from the table and bring it down and drop it by their bedroom doors like “Here small human / large kitten. You are sick, so I bought you some human food”.

  35. I know that – without a single doubt – my big German Shepherd must think his sister’s name is “Chubby Butt” and she surely must believe his name is “Dumb Fuck!!” (said lovingly, of course!)

    He puts his 2 front legs on the kitchen counter and scavenge, continue nosing around long enough to pull a dishtowel full of silverware onto the ceramic tile floor, get scared senseless, and run out doggie door for a half hour. Dumb Fuck.

    I can ONLY imagine the conversations the two of them must have.

    “No, you can’t have that cheeseburger, Chubby Butt!!!”
    “But they’re still mad at you for making crashing noises in the kitchen, Dumb Fuck.”

  36. You’re bringing this Babel-fish translator app (Standard Midwestern Dog) to market soon, I hope?

  37. Melissa #35 that was great! What a great way to spend birthday money. Maybe if the dog’s names or numbers were displayed, you’d get people to come get those babies. Best wishes to you

  38. My best friend has a different voice for each of his 4 cats, my cat and my two plastic dinosaurs. All I have to do is assign any object with a name and he will make it talk to me. Many of our animals have quite a habit of swearing too much! But they always talk to me!

  39. Melissa Cox, thanks for the video – it was a joy to watch!!
    I speak for my dog, Max – I have since shortly after we got him. I also have songs I’ve made up for him. “I’m a little burr butt, big and brown, look at my face, I can’t calm down. When I get all full of burrs, please don’t shout, roll me over and brush them out!” To the tune of the “I’m a little teapot” song. Oh, there are more, don’t worry!!!

  40. This was too funny! Melissa Cox the video made me laugh so much. I think my dog knew I was laughing at other dogs ’cause she jumped up with me and started licking my tablet (she’s never done that before). I would adopt them all if possible. Then of course my dog Rosie would be the Boss, being a heeler and my cat Smokie would be the Queen. Because of course she is, The Queen.

  41. I eat Cheeze-its in bed. Then I scratched my cornea one morning with a Cheeze-it crumb. Try telling that to the doctor on call at Urgent Care. Then watch him/her laugh.

  42. Yesterday my (adult) daughter decided that she needed to be a good doggy-mommy and take her pitbull Molly (aka the canine sausage) for a car ride to visit Grandma and Papa. Molly repaid the favor by vomiting all over the inside of the car. You would have LOVED the conversation that went on between my daughter and my mom over what to make Molly for dinner since “her stomach is upset.” They settled on scrambled eggs, but disagreed on whether to season them with bacon, or bacon grease, or pork tenderloin. Please be aware that the reason Molly puked was because SHE HAD JUST EATEN HER OWN POOP. So I don’t think flavor is high on her list of priorities.

  43. Hiding people snacks under the bed worked great until Peaches the Weiner Dog sniffed out the one pound bar of dark chocolate. But making a WD swallow peroxide until she pukes at midnight it a great way to spend a summer’s night. Just saying.

  44. I love your posts, I laughed at this one. The dog in the window looks like a Lab. I have one too and he has great convo skills when ordering a burger. That dog looks intelligent

  45. Thank you! I am always getting in trouble with hubby for having dog cookies in bed. Now I know they were supposed to be under the bed.

  46. This made me giggle, and I needed that. It’s been a rough couple months, but I made an appointment today to see a therapist for the first time in a LONG time. I just needed to tell someone, and this felt like as good a place as any.

  47. I didn’t see you on the Texas Book Festival list of authors. Wishing you were, I’d love to see you again! <3

  48. These stories remind me of my min-pin, Winifred D’Apu, I had to leave the room so i moved the tv tray with my pizza out to the middle of the room so it would be out of her reach from all the furniture. I came back in 30 seconds later and she had somehow ninjaed her way onto that table because she had a slice of my lunch in her mouth. I took it off of her and she flat out whined at me in that “but DAAAAAAADDDDDD” tone. I gave it back to her, she’d worked hard for that one

  49. My sister’s dog actually does this when she steals food. She runs upstairs and crawls under the bed to the middle, where no one can reach her and either stashes or consumes her prize. Once a month she takes the mattress off the bed to retrieve all the things the dog has stashed in her cave. It’s amazing what she finds.

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