Someone get me a monkey

First off, Dorothy Barker has recovered from her allergic reaction and I have recovered from accidentally eating one of her dog pills because I couldn’t split it in half so I used my teeth.  I figured I would either get really healthy or die but neither happened so it was basically a very anticlimactic superhero origin story.

Secondly, this weekend I made an investment in an organ grinder out of spite and wisdom.  My parents came over and I felt bad that the house is a mess but they’re very nonjudgemental and I considered cleaning up the stacks of stuff because probably your parents worry about you if you have a toilet seat on the kitchen counter but it was a brand new toilet seat still in the package so technically it was more like I was bragging about my new purchase and that seemed like a good way to reassure my parents that they didn’t need to worry about me because I was obviously doing pretty damn good if I had unused toilet seats to spare. Victor didn’t see it the same way but Victor’s family are a bunch of Rockefellers who I guess go through new toilet seats every week like they’re disposable.

Aaaanyway, we went to this antique sale in a barn and this guy had an organ grinder for sale and I asked to listen to one of the music rolls and some lady loudly whispered to one of the owners of the booth, “Don’t you hate it when people want to try out all the things and never buy anything?” and then I was like, “FUCK YOU, LADY.  I’M BUYING THIS PIECE OF SHIT” but I just said it with my eyes (and all of the money in my purse) and then later I realized she probably works for them and provoked me on purpose.  But I still won because I got a super cheap organ grinder with 10 cobs of music and the organ almost works and is only 80% out of tune and filled with silverfish.

I took it home and realized most of the roller cobs aren’t labeled so I decided to go on instagram and play the tunes and see if people could help me identify them but I didn’t realize this app I’d signed up for was sharing all of my instagram stuff on Facebook and twitter so basically I flooded my twitter stream with a dozen videos of me playing horrific organ grinder music and that’s exactly how you lose followers and/or punish people who love you.

Except that actually a ton of people were like, “This is not the worst Sunday night I’ve ever had” and we identified several of them, including one song that’s famous for being loudly hummed by one of Jack the Ripper’s victims right before her murder and if it sounded half as terrible as the organ grinder version I’m not sure he would be convicted.

The good news though is that my arm is getting a great workout and I think I gave myself carpel tunnel syndrome and I’m pretty sure this is how you get a service monkey.  The monkey grinds the organ, right?  (Ew…phrasing.)

I’m not sure how it goes but I am sure that I have an opening for a monkey that needs to be filled.  (Again…phrasing.)  And the super good news is that when Victor is like “What will I get Jenny for Xmas?” the answer is “BINGO – MONKEY!”  He says that’s not how that works but I’m pretty sure he just doesn’t want to ruin the Christmas surprise.  But Victor is awful at picking out presents and instead of a cute monkey that can hide under my hat on planes he’ll probably get an eat-your-face-off chimpanzee so I sent him a list of premature baby clothes and he was like, “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?” and that’s how I knew he was thinking of the wrong size of monkey because it’s pretty obvious if I send you a shopping list of preemie baby bonnets and sailer outfits that they’re for Dr. Zaius.  Also, Dr. Zaius is what I named the monkey I don’t have yet.  And it’s nice because doctors can be girls or boys so it’s gender neutral for all monkeys and also because when I don’t want to go to a party I can say, “I’m sorry.  I can’t go.  I have to see my doctor.”  And I do.  And he lives under my hat and watches horror movies with me and holds my hand when I’m having a bad day and grinds my organ and throws shit at assholes.  EVERYONE WINS.

PS. Victor says he’s not getting me a monkey because they are not pets and it’s cruel to keep them as such and technically I know he’s probably right and that’s fine and I accepted it with grace because what I really want is a tiny, tiny owl.  One the size of a beet that doesn’t fly and just lives in the yard and is too little to carry away Dorothy Barker.  Because I’m a responsible pet owner y’all.

PPS.  After listening to WAY too many videos of me playing an instrument that sounds like a haunted accordion making popcorn I was flooded by comments so perfect that I have to share them here.  A few of my favorite responses to “What’s this song?”

Sounds like My Bonnie Lies Over The Ocean (possibly with Satan) 

Sounds like my 6th grade band performance.

Sounds like you summoned a ghost and we’ll all soon be murdered in our beds.  

Sounds like someone’s trying to murder that song.

Sounds like “Don’t go down to the basement without your Louisville Slugger wrapped in barb wire.”

Sounds like pain.

Sounds like you’re playing it backward.

Sounds like music from a old timey funeral home.

Sounds like a drunken Confederate harmonica player with severe depression.

Sounds like your popcorn is about to burn.

They all sound like the same song to me.  That old favourite, “I Truly Wish That I Was Deaf.”  

I love you guys.  Sorry if I murdered us all with this cursed machine.  Send help.  And by “help” I mean, “a small backyard owl.”

 

 

149 thoughts on “Someone get me a monkey

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I wondered why I kept getting all of these….”what’s the name of this tune” things last night…I was like what is that Jenny up to now…seriously….and really just get a monkey…I always wanted one and so did my Grandmother!

  2. I can see the advantages to having of having an eat your face off chimpanzee. I think Victor was just looking out for your safety if you were attacked by the demons released by the organ grinder. But I’m 100% excited about the small owl. I think we might have some in Minnesota, but it might take me a while to catch one, and transport it to Texas. So probably faster to go with Amazon.

  3. I’m amazed Victor allowed you to keep playing that! Without strangling you. And the idea of a monkey is much better than the reality of one (they smell bad and can be very bitey). Small backyard owl sounds way better.

  4. The Organ Grinder music was something out of a scary horror movie! I was like this is so creepy! Like I am waiting for a severed head to pop out at any minute! Like a scary pop up toy! lol

  5. My dad had a monkey in Vietnam that he named Monkey Mouse. But it seriously hampered his dating life because it hated women and would, of course, hurl feces at any woman he brought back to the barracks (which I’m grateful for, because I might not exist were it not for that monkey driving away any woman he met over there). Then one day, the monkey disappeared and monkey showed up on the menu of a nearby restaurant. So you shouldn’t get a monkey, because it would be seriously upsetting if your neighbor ate it.

  6. I just re-watched True Facts About the Owl on YouTube, which as you know is 100% factually accurate and tells you everything there is to know about owls, and it didn’t say anything about owls being able to play organ grinders.
    So I think you need to get a monkey.

  7. OhhhLawdy…I have laughed to the point of pain in my cheeks and stomach. That will count as my workout for the day. I hope you get your hat monkey or at least your tiny owl.

  8. This is perfection … especially the comments ! Thank you – I’m stuck at home with a borked back & a ridiculously empathetic chihuahua (she’s currently showing me her love & concern by trying to sit in my head), & this made me laugh so hard she tried to give me one of her chew treats because she thought I was having some sort of turn.
    PS: I’m on painkillers & not wearing my glasses, so I thought the sentence above this comments field said “You do NOT need an accordion to post a comment !”, which I strangely didn’t question at all before commencing.
    Miranda 😉

  9. Ok the man does the grinding while the money, on a lease, runs around with a cup collecting tips.

  10. That tune is my brother at nine years old playing “Kumbaya” on his new but bought used accordion. My mother must have been punching the holes in a corn cob. I swear.

  11. Go ahead and get a monkey. If Homer (Simpson, not the literary one) could get one, so can you. Just please stop saying “organ grinder.” Sounds like a really bad porn film.

  12. The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.
    lol
    😛

    but seriously the music sounded fine for the first few seconds then got progressively worse. but I think that’s because her arm was getting tired.

  13. Maybe there is something wrong with my brain, but when I first read “organ grinder” a music machine is not what I thought you bought. And somehow a meat grinder being referred to as an organ grinder in no way seemed odd to me, but in retrospect I think it should have.

  14. My mother told me that my father had a monkey when they met. He (the monkey… well ultimately my father, too, but that’s another story) was a total and complete asshole. Like Marcel-level assholery.

    And monkeys live like… human years, into their 50s & such so… tiny owl is 100% the way to go on this one.

  15. If you get a monkey, you should also invest in a fake handlebar mustache for the full organ grinder look. Or maybe I have too many memories of that opera on Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood where the opera singer played an organ grinder.

  16. Don’t get a monkey. They masturbate in front of you, throw food at you, and bite you. My mom had one when she was growing up, and these are the reasons she gave me.

  17. And wait… doesn’t your operation of this device make YOU the organ grinder? Grinding the organ? With your beet-sized owl perched on it with a tin cup?

  18. Ok so I technically didn’t listen to all 10 tunes because I’m with the last commenter you quoted, but I still love you too!!

  19. Gotta agree with Victor, monkeys aren’t pets. Owls are a lot of work, but the tiny little white faced owl, also known as Evil Owl, is very cute. And scary as fuck when they want to be. Or they dissapear. Just check youtube for evil owl video’s and you’ll see what I mean. I met one once which quietly meowed at me as he was used to cats grooming him. You’re welcome.

  20. That was the blog post I didn’t know I needed… I snorted water out my nose. Owl the size of a beet!

  21. I am so glad I’m not the only one who misunderstood what an organ grinder was at first!

  22. I sense future hashtag fun, but instead of #wheresrory, it could be #pagingdrzaius, and we could all describe our various maladies, real or imagined, And then Dr. Zaius could respond with appropriately hilarious — but not necessarily medically advisable — treatment ideas.

  23. My grandmother actually had small monkeys in her apartment in Brooklyn, NY when she was a kid. Marmosets I believe. Her father kept bringing interesting animals home. Seriously though in NYC in the early 1930s if it wasn’t a cat it was interesting… and it was never a cat. I believe there were goats once….

  24. There are stuffed toy monkeys that have symbols that they crash together when they are wound up. Would that suffice for a real one?

  25. Mother-in-law had all her pills lined up next to her dinner plate (we’re talking handfuls of ’em). She got so engrossed watching TV and mindlessly popping pills like candy that she forgot the dog’s phenobarbital was there, too. She phoned in a panic. Husband assured her that the dosage for a Chihuahua probably wasn’t lethal.

  26. I loved owls until I read Josepha’s comment which lead me down a YouTube tunnel where I encountered Evil Owl and I gotta say…….that Owl fucked me up. There’s no way I can look at them the same way again. Thanks for nothing, Josepha. :o)

  27. Your monkey wouldn’t have to hide under your hat on planes because (at least circa 2005) the TSA had very specific guidelines for how to effectively screen a service monkey. Three pages of them and they involved physically checking the monkey’s diaper. It

  28. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I haven’t laughed in what feels like weeks, and you have reminded me what it feels like to laugh out loud until your cheeks and your belly hurt. I wanted so badly to help with the Name That Tune posts last night but I have noise sensitivity since my concussion and music and shrill noises, like sirens, are both particularly triggering. From your comments it sounds like I would have been in serious trouble either way.

    I love you so so much, Jenny. Not in the stalkery kind of way, but in the OMG you save my life sometimes kind of way. Thank you. <3

  29. Monkeys are the only animal I don’t like, and I work with snakes for a living. Monkeys are ungrateful little poo-flingers that carry disease (and GET human diseases) and won’t be looked at by most veterinarians. I recommend borrowing a neighbor’s toddler instead because they are basically the same thing.

  30. Seriously, you need to get a Bush Baby. They are so incredibly cute and soft and it would definitely fit under your hat. While I was in South Africa I had the opportunity to hold one and it was awesome. Although I believe the family had rescued their tiny primate and it still spent every night outside in the wild and came inside during the day.

  31. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
    Although, J.K. Rowling has asked that people don’t get owls, as that evidently turned into a real thing, and terrible things happened to all involved. She may have saved us all with that. 🤷🏻‍♀️ You’re welcome.

  32. Can you find a sloth to play it? That would sound much more solemn, and then you can have Sloth (to be named later) play on your rough days and monkey play when you’re feeling jazzy.

  33. That sounds like me trying to play the clarinet in fifth grade. That career goal didn’t last long. There is a mall in Atlanta that an organ grinder and his monkey would visit. Give the monkey some change and he’d tip his little hat. Even as an adult, that was my favorite thing about that mall.

  34. When we were staying in a travel trailer in the construction yard where my husband had to go and work for 7 years when he moved up to WA to live with me but neglected to find out if his union seniority would accompany him….. ( whew)… we were sitting there, minding our own business, when we hear a BLOOD CURDLING SHRIEK outside . We searched everywhere for the source, and I mean all over that construction yard. My husband came across a small, adorable, fragile looking, tiny (we’re talking parakeet size) owl. “Oh, how cute!” I said….. walking closer…
    Then it opened its mouth and SHRIEKED REALLY REALLY LOUD. Turns out, the tiny little thing was a SCREECH OWL.
    I’m not saying you shouldn’t get a little owl; just be sure it isn’t one of those. Makes my teeth hurt, just remembering it!

  35. What does it say about me that when you said “organ grinder” my immediate thought was that you bought something for grinding up intestines and liver and tripe and stuff? Like, basically a sausage maker or something.

  36. My ex-husband and I had a deal. He could have his monkey as soon as I got a snake. We settled for dogs and cats. Monkeys are incredibly dirty, and I didn’t want one in my house. The ex was afraid of snakes. I considered it a win-win.

  37. Your backyard owl would be called a burrowing owl – but they do fly. I don’t think they play organs though – and you need to tell your cats they can’t eat it.

  38. I love you, but seriously, Victor is a saint. And please, no monkeys (unless it’s a 1967 version of Michael Nesmith).

  39. I just realized again why your page is so wonderful, Jenny. The people who follow your blog and comment are just about as wonderful and crazy and funny as you are. Love you all.

  40. I’m glad Dorothy Barker is better! 🙂

    On the topic of monkeys, I can tell you that you don’t want a golden lion tamarin (and not just because they’re probably illegal because they’re a species at risk). They pee on their feet and try to jump on you from 7 feet away, and it’s scary to get dive-bombed by a smelly hairball suddenly flying at your head. (Why do I know this? I did an internship at the zoo as part of my uni degree, and this happened when I would clean their pen).

    Regarding owls, they will hunch over, glare at you, and hiss/make other scary noises sometimes. This occurs with both snowy owls and great horned owls. See above re: monkeys for why I know this. And if they don’t eat their mice and chicks, said food items will begin to rot if someone forgets to take out the garbage… The whole place will reek.

    TLDR: Yay for Dorothy Barker, and plush monkeys and owls are far more pleasant than the real thing. 🙂

  41. I left my monkey in my other pants, otherwise, I would help you out. In other news, I need to go catch the monkey that now has my pants. This post made sense.

  42. Is it amazing or really sad that I know exactly which Victorian ballad and which Ripper victim you’re referring to without cocking clicking the link?

  43. Um hilarious! My parents are also judgmental about the state of my house. I have a good memory and I remember our house wasn’t in perfect order when we were kids. Now that they have no one living with them they have forgotten the mess that comes with kids. Oh it annoys me. Maybe I will toss a toilet seat on the kitchen counter next time.

  44. Um hilarious! My parents are also judgmental about the state of my house. I have a good memory and I remember our house wasn’t in perfect order when we were kids. Now that they have no one living with them they have forgotten the mess that comes with kids. Oh it annoys me. Maybe I will toss a toilet seat on the kitchen counter next time.

  45. Also, as a former primatology student, I have to confirm what Victor says about monkeys being terrible pets. It’s like being a permanent toddler with ADHD who gets bored easily and amuses itself be destroying all your property, then pooping on it.

  46. Is it amazing or incredibly sad that I can name the Victorian ballad and the ripper victim without clicking the link? Also, as a former primatology student, I have to confirm what Victor says about monkeys being terrible pets. It’s like being a permanent toddler with ADHD who gets bored easily and amuses itself be destroying all your property, then pooping on it.

  47. am i the only one who i totally lost? i thought the organ grinder was the person and the monkey was the organ grinder’s monkey who lost his paw in a tragic but completely foreseeable organ grinding accident. because you don’t make the monkey stick his arm in there to unstuck the sticky part while you’re turning the handle, bob! what the hell is wrong with you?

  48. Score on the grinder girl. Forget the monkey. It might decide not to do your grunt work. Trade off using arms to grind…….

  49. Against all odds, I think the one you’re playing here is “Shall We Gather at the River?” I LOVELOVELOVE your blogs.

  50. Am I the only one who didn’t know what an organ grinder was? I was wondering for awhile there if Jenny was going all Sweeney Todd on us… so concerned lol

  51. I saw one person while scrolling through replies that thought the same thing as me. I totally thought you were talking about a machine… that grinds actual organs… like human/animal organs. I blame it on the fact that I’m sick and exhausted.

  52. You could adopt one of my foster puppies instead of a monkey. I’ll try to train them to turn the handle. They’re pretty smart, so they could probably do it.

  53. You weave a hilarious tale which I genuinely appreciate…and holy crap your readers are pretty funny too – the comment about a drunken Confederate harmonica player with depression is friggin’ awesome.

  54. I’m not sure which is better – your post or the comments. Both are hilarious! No monkey, though, they’re creepy. I cast my vote for tiny backyard owl. But you have to name it Hedwig.

  55. … Have you never heard of a pill cutter? They have them pretty much everywhere you can get meds I think, I got mine a the 99cent store, use it to cut my mom’s pills in half (because she used to do it with scissors and they were never even close to the same size after cut).
    I must say that after reading all your books (and listening to Furiously Happy nearly 20 times now), every time you write a post like this my first thought is ‘oh I hope this goes in her next book!’, mostly because I want to hear you read it out loud.

  56. How about a wind-up monkey to be your organ grinder? You could probably get it motorized so it plays with couch change. Or wire it up to the doorbell.

  57. English is not my mother tongue and I thought of the organ grinder as a tool you use to grind organs – like a liver or a brain – and I never second guessed this until Victor let you actually buy it. Obviously, something that was once used to convert brains to dust is just the thing you, Jenny, would find at a yard sale.

  58. Dr. Zaius used to write a really good blog called Zaius Nation, but he stopped updating in 2012…

  59. I’m a bit relieved that I’m not the only person on here that read “organ grinder” and thought of a meat grinder. I was a bit horrified at first! Then my next thought was “that’s what that’s called??” and long story short..don’t google it. It just gets worse.

  60. Waaait one second here. Victor’s in the gifting doghouse? The same Victor who hand-carried a massive doll back on the plane from Japan, I assume not for himself?
    If he is tucking it into bed at night, I stand corrected.

  61. English is not my mother tongue so for the first half of your blog entry I was not sure what exactly an organ grinder could be. Like a coffee grinder, but just for organs? Which seemed hella bloody and messy to me. BUT I DIDN’T THINK THAT WAS WEIRD, and that is kind of beautiful also.

  62. But a tiny backyard owl could get carried away by larger hungrier birds. And snakes. And coyotes. And…that is NOT being a responsible pet owner, Jenny.

  63. I don’t really find it that unusual to have a toilet seat on your kitchen counter. I live with boys. I’ve had jock straps, music mixing boards, and empty turtle shells on my kitchen table. Suddenly feeling embarrassed…looks for Clorox wipes

  64. I’m getting a T-shirt made! “The monkey grinds the organ!” I’ll be very popular. Or shunned. Either works for me. 🙂

  65. Or a t-shirt with monkey and the organ grinder…. and underneath it, captioned (at the risk of being sued by SNL) “Touch it! Touch my monkey’s organ!”

  66. I’ve been trying to convince my husband for years that we need a guard wombat to scare away predators and/or neighborhood children. He disagrees even after I told him about their amazing cube shaped poops.

  67. I have seen your owl near the Brazos River I was driving real slow in the jungle letting my copilot smell everything and suddenly I locked eyes with Jenny’s owl. He has red eyes. He is tiny and would surely fit under a jaunty chapeau. Unfortunately I think he can fly. Or demarerialize.

  68. Brava, Blogess! The tangents, the silliness, the word play, the inescapable logic: LOVE your writing. Best of luck with your future owl.

  69. You do not want a tiny owl…in any part of Texas, it would be scooped up by a hawk. And then you would feel guilty, we would be sad, and the hawk would be all “Yo, Bro! Why’d you stop leaving me lunch?”

  70. God, that is a horrible noise, if you hear a soundtrack like that in a movie it usually means the creepy priest is about to jump out of the dark and drag the blonde teenager off to a grisly fate. Either that or Burger King’s marketing department is going through a bad patch.

    I’m a little bit worried though – is it the box of horrors or your wrist making the nasty clicking noise?

  71. I think you should play it backward. What’s the worst that could happen? Demon summoning? I think you already accomplished that feat. This could send them all back from whence they came.

  72. “And he lives under my hat and watches horror movies with me and holds my hand when I’m having a bad day and grinds my organ and throws shit at assholes.”

    If this is the criteria – then I think Victor is your monkey (minus the hat thing). Maybe he’ll let you call him the Doctor…

  73. One of the very few things I dislike about Mexico City, where I spend quite a bit of time, are the organ grinders. They don’t have monkeys, they have hands and hats held out for tips. But I find it hard to believe enough ppl are willing to pay for that awful noise. I’d willingly pay them to stop, but my Spanish isn’t good enough to explain that. So I just quicken my pace while wincing.

    Also, I had a spider monkey once for a few days when I was young and didn’t realize, as Victor does and I do now, that it is cruel to keep wild animals as pets. I got it in a pet shop and brought it back just 2 days later bc it was such a pain in the ass. It destroyed the apartment, stole food and couldn’t be trained to poop outside bc they have no sphincter control. Now I admire it for being a badass monkey and wish I could have released it back into the wild with others of its kind.

  74. We just learned that not everything old is well-made. “Wanted: Able Man to convert Beautiful Songs for magic Organ. If thou Pledges thy Werk is Accurate, a Payment of 5 Cents the Dollar will be Made with Speed.”
    Somebody slid that mess past Quality Control. But, free silverfish!

  75. I listened to every one of those videos the other day and couldn’t figure out any of them but I laughed my @$$ off. Thanks Jenny you make my days better

  76. I don’t want to be a nomenclature snot… But technically, the Organ Grinder is… you. As in the person operating the instrument. The instrument is called (among other things…) a Barrel Organ.

    Although the act of writing this down will surely mean that I screwed that name up, and all barrel organ fanatics will spit upon my grave – once they stuff me into it, of course.

    Ah well.

  77. You could have a backyard owl if you move a few hundred miles west. The Northern Pygmy Owl sounds like a good fit. It’s only 6 inches tall and it has eyes in the back of it’s head (well, markings that look like eyes anyway). Here’s a map of its region: https://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/Northern_Pygmy-Owl/maps-range

    Apparently I live in the normal range of these owls. I don’t think I’ve ever seen one though. All I ever see are seagulls, crows, robins, and stellar jays. Oh well.

  78. I tried to convince my husband that I needed I tiny owl that I could carry around in a shirt pocket or in my purse like a tiny dog. He wouldn’t go for it. So I inundated him with tiny owl pictures, each cuter than the last. He reminded me loudly and a lot that owls are super not legal in Los Angeles and also super not friendly. I told him that if I raised him from an owlet we wouldn’t have that problem and then sent him 10 more pictures of teeny owls. Still wouldn’t go for it though. I feel your pain.

  79. Maybe you could get your daughter to dress up as a monkey and you could go on the road as a musical act. She could earn her own college fund!

  80. Monkeys are assholes. You’re better off without one. I fed a cute-looking one in the Caribbean and it rewarded me by trying to claw my eye out. No one needs that kind of negativity in their life.

  81. The tune is obviously “Come to the Church in the Wildwood” after the a cappela choir has had way too much to drink.

  82. You need a burrowing owl! They live in holes and they are the size of a beet. Beets live underground, too, so they are probably related.
    I would show you a picture of one in my mom’s hand (it flew into the window at her work, she went out to see if it was ok, and her boss took a picture of it, which she sent to me) if I could put pictures here. They are so cute.

  83. Someone already mentioned burrowing owls. We’ve got a bunch of them here in BC. There’s even a winery named after them because they nest in the vineyard. Not sure it helps wine sales with them sitting there and looking all judgey at you while you sip wine, but they are cute.
    http://www.burrowingowlbc.org/owlinfo.html

  84. Oh god… I didn’t know what an organ grinder was so I was picturing a meat grinder type thing specifically for organs and my mind went straight to human organs so my mind was all like “Oh ya she bought a human organ meat grinder at an antique sale” AND I DIDN’T SECOND GUESS MYSELF!

  85. You could get a burrowing owl from New Mexico. There used to be owls next door to my uncle’s house in Albuquerque. It would probably dig up your yard though.

  86. Obviously I’ve been coming here long enough that when I read “organ grinder” I thought, oh, I didn’t realize there was a specific kind of meat grinder you use for organs.
    And in fact I have heard meat grinders that were more musical than that.

  87. I thought of another trilogy of young adult books, a werewolf series by Maggie Stiefvter. Shiver, Linger, & Forever.

  88. I almost just woke up my husband by laughing – this is why I love you.

    I ordered a book for you to sign last weekend but they said they got the order too late and did I want to cancel or have them hold it until you came back and I was like,, “Are you kidding? Hold it until she comes back because she’s going to love my personalized Missry reference.” And that is how you get a book collection your kids hope not to inherit.

  89. Today, for me, was a day when the anxiety was winning for now apparent reason. Even with a pile of dogs and a fluffy blanket. I know. Catching up on your blog helped. Thank you for that. Thank you for every night where that is true and I don’t post a comment. Thank you even more for your books which, in the worst months of my life, could still make me laugh. Not with magical diarrhea or anything like the people in Bulgary, but that is probably better for everyone anyway.

  90. OMG I just had to share this on Facebook, not only because it made me laugh coffee out my nose (which it did), but because the FB counter was stuck on 666. ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? So that means I may meet my maker soon, but at least I moved that counter, so there are no more needless victims. Which makes me kind of an unlikely hero, like a Brendan Frasier in the Mummy movies.

    So, you know …. You’re welcome.

  91. I can’t decide which would be more terrifying, a creepy clown popping out of that thing or you getting a monkey. I mean, they could both potentially eat your face off so I think it’s a draw. Although, monkeys also throw poop and have weird hands that look like people hands and can move really fast where clowns were those big shoes so they might not be as fast and therefore might not be able to catch you so I guess I will rank monkeys as number one and clowns as number two on this terrifying list. In general I find birds pretty scary too except for owls. For some reason, I think owls are cute. So if you have to go with something, definitely go with the owl. But no other birds because, ick.

  92. Also apparently when I’m thinking about terrifying things I write run on sentences and use were instead of wear……..

  93. I spent the first half of this post thinking you’d bought something to grind up hearts and intestines.

  94. Hmmm…. my birthday is next week, and I kinda want to ask for a little monkey. I probably won’t get it, but it never hurts to ask! Plus, we have 4 dogs, 2 cats, and 2 pre-teen boys – I guess we have enough animals to take care of. I’ll be following to see if the dog med eventually leads to super-powers. I kinda hope so.

  95. You didn’t ask, but can you please name your next cat – Catticus Finch? Strangely, that came to me over the weekend but we have no plans for another cat and I need someone to use the name because it’s awesome.

  96. I thought it sounded more like “God Save the Queen”/”My Country ‘Tis of Thee”.

  97. Is there a way that you can fashion this to your car and be the creepiest ice cream truck in the land please? And then when children cautiously approach to ask for ice cream, you just end up selling them creepy doll heads?

    Wait… did I just spoil your surprise retirement plans?

  98. I apologize for bursting your bubble, but you do NOT want a monkey for a pet. We knew someone who did. The monkey showed its love by sucking on your eyelids (ewww). Remember how you had to baby-proof your house when your daughter was small? Imagine having to do that for all the years you have the monkey. And the monkey is a lot smarter than a toddler and with way better manual dexterity. The friend with the monkey had to remove all the knobs from the TV, stereo, radio, etc. (Clearly, this was awhile ago, back when TVs, etc., still had knobs.) NOthing was safe. Stick to cats and a dog. And the occasional stuffed [whatever].

  99. Funny but I saw “organ grinder” and immediately thought meat. After reading through the comments here, I see I’m not the only one! lol

  100. It’s a hymn Shall We Gather at the River. Love you and all your craziness. It keeps me laughing.

  101. Nerd alert: the instrument is a street organ. The organ grinder is the person who plays it, I.e. you. You are a grinder!

  102. whoah this blog is fantastic i really like reading your posts. Keep up the good paintings! You already know, a lot of individuals are searching around for this information, you can aid them greatly.

  103. I legit thought you were talking about organs as in organ transplants or organ donors (you know, the stuff inside your body) and I wondered why the hell they would even allow people to sell an organ grinder. If you bought it on the black market that would have been a different story, though. Luckily you also posted a video which made me realise what was actually going on. Wow, I feel so stupid now.

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