And on the seventh day, she was cautiously optimistic but also totally expecting some sort of emotional avalanche to hit at any moment.

So.  Today is my seventh day of rTMS and I feel…crazy?  Which makes sense because they don’t magnet punch mentally sound people in the head for 6 weeks but what I mean is that I feel crazy for feeling like maybe this could be working.  Because (knocking on so much wood) I went from a full depression at the beginning of last week to a quick (for me) bounce back into “okay” and this weekend I actually felt good.  Like, I wanted to leave the house voluntarily.  I almost went to a museum.  That sounds like a small thing but I assure you that it is not.

Yesterday – for the first time in months – I felt like listening to music.  I don’t like music when I’m depressed.  It makes me feel too much when I’m raw and it makes me realize how numb I am when I’m unable to feel anything.  Instead I fill every quiet second with podcasts…anything to drown out the thoughts in my head and fill in the minutes until my head is right again.  Wanting to listen to music is a sign I didn’t even know I was looking for and it’s also a sign showing how long it’s been since I’ve been “normal” as all of my music was still undownloaded from the last time I got a new phone.

I’m not 100%.  I still feel exhausted.  I still feel brain fog and anxiety and the flashes of light in the dark are still flashes rather than steady streams.  It might be all in my head but that’s where I keep my crazy so that makes sense.  It might be a placebo effect but since I’ve failed at so many treatments it seems unlikely.  It might be coincidence that this bit of sweet relief started not long after treatment started and maybe would have happened normally.  I won’t know for awhile and even if it works it might not work forever, but I am so clinging to this feeling and to the reminder that things can be good again.  The reminder of how sweet it is to breathe again without having to remind yourself that this will pass.

I’ve had something really awesome to share with you for months  but I’ve been so down that I didn’t want to share it because announcing something great and then listening to people be excited about something I can’t feel anything about can bring about such cognitive dissonance that it’s not worth even sharing but today I feel good so today I’m going to tell you that I’m currently working on two new books.  TWO!  I’ve been working on them for awhile but they are now actual books with real live editors and publishers and probably won’t be finished for a year or two because I am slow even when I am good but still.

One is a collection of humorous essays/memoir like Furiously Happy and Let’s Pretend This Never Happened and the other is a YA southern gothic novel that I’ve been working on when I was too dark to be funny.  I’ll share a real announcement about them when I don’t have to rush off to the psych unit.  Today is treatment plus analysis and it eats my whole day and all of my energy, but it so worth it if it works.

Also, several of you asked me to make t-shirts for you to wear to show your support for me and for the people you know who are struggling.  Their specific suggestion was “You know…something that matches this community.  Something weird but supportive.”


Edited to add: If that shirt shows as “sold out” you can pick another one with the same design like this one.

234 thoughts on “And on the seventh day, she was cautiously optimistic but also totally expecting some sort of emotional avalanche to hit at any moment.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I am really weird, and I totally support you. I’m glad you are having moments of feeling good. They are moments to be treasured.

  2. I’m so happy for you! Even if it’s only temporary, it’s something good. And TWO books! I can’t wait.

  3. Fingers and toes crossed to uncomfortable levels hoping for your continued improvement! And HOLY SHIT YAY NEW BOOKS!!

  4. I am so happy that this seems to be working for you, Jenny. I also appreciate the reminder that things can get better.

    Also – Yay! New books!

  5. Baby steps, dear Jenny. Baby steps. Every little positive step is a step out of the darkness. Don’t dwell on the negative – embrace the positive.

  6. First of all, I’m impressed with every update that you’re doing this thing, looking after yourself, and talking about it. Thank you for shedding light, even when you struggle to find yours.

    Second, Hooray for almost! And for music! And I promise to wait at least six months before asking where those books are already 😉

  7. Yay! Im so happy to hear that this treatment is working for you, Jenny! And also, yay more books!!! I am STOKED for that southern gothic book!!

  8. Those things do not sound small at all to me. They sound AMAZING! I understand the exhaustion and the numbness and the rawness. And I am oh-so-happy for you!

    Darn it, I got tears on my keyboard.

    Oh well, I needed to clean it anyway.

    Go, you! 🙂

  9. Please remember that you did not fail at the other treatments, they failed to help you. I know it’s just wording but it makes a difference, for me anyway, as to how I feel about situations. Hold strong funny lady.

  10. I’m so glad that you’re feeling better. I hope it continues!! Can’t wait to read your new books….I’m sure they’ll be stocked in the psych unit when I get there.

  11. I have a request….Just in case the treatment works ”TOO” well, and you are no longer…..YOU…..Can you recommend some other bloggers/writers we should try?

    Still hoping for success,

  12. Awesome news! Super happy to hear you’re responding so well already 🙂

  13. you rock! Thank you for sharing all your stuff with us. I have had meds and TMS and ECT and don’t know anyone else who has, so I have no one to commiserate with. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing, and I’m so thankful you are feeling better. You kick ass. Seriously. Even when the voices try to tell you otherwise (I can hear them too), they’re full of shit. 😉
    And I need one of these shirts.

  14. Thank you for reminding us to watch for the little things, the little broken branches or footprints on the road that prove things are getting better even if the overall situation isn’t fixed.
    Little victories = VICTORIES, full stop.
    Never thought I’d have occasion to say “yay for magnetic trepanning”. Life is weird.

  15. This is probably not the appropriate place to ask this, but have any of you tried ECT and what were the results? I’m waiting for a bed, it may be tomorrow or it may be 2 weeks. I feel so horrible, sad, frightened, tired of being sick. I honestly feel that ECT might ne the last option I have. My Dr’s want me to do it. I told my best friend as she said she couldn’t have anything to do with me because she has a daughter to protect. Like I would ever do anything to that little sweetheart. Her Mom is the only friend I had. Sorry if thos sounds like a pity party but I am so god damned sick of being sick that I want to scream and cry. Anyway, any input would be great! I really feel like giving up.

  16. Awesome t-shirt, so relevant to any world, will definitely order! And hoping your flashes of light get longer & maybe finally connect into even longer combo-flashes. Like you, I know how huge the small triumphs can be. Keep shoveling!

  17. When I’m depressed, I often forget how much music feeds me, so I don’t listen to it till I’m on my way back up. Or when I’ve had such a very bad day that I need to throw myself a little party of just me and a bottle of bourbon and iTunes.

  18. So awesome, Jenny. I cannot wait to read what you write because it’s always good. Keep on being Furiously Happy. 😀

  19. Jenny, I am so happy that it seems to be working for you. I’ll continue to cross my fingers for you and hope all the best for you. I’m also very excited about your books. I’ll be first in line to buy both and then convince my friends (of which I have two, but still) to buy a dozen copies too. Hugs from Canada! I’m rooting for you<3

  20. Hey Anonymous, don’t be diverted by the drama around you. It’s your path, just hang in there baby! No one knows how you feel but you, don’t listen to the fear of others.

  21. Yay for things that work! Currently snuggled up with two happy dogs…..sending wet nosed dog happy thoughts your way.

  22. I plan to ask my neurologist if this is covered under MassHealth (Medicaid). If not, I will have to forego the chance to have someone magnet punch my brain with a futuristic fascinator.

  23. Gah!I want those books! The t-shirt looks nice, but I don’t like pink. Are there any blue ones? I’m happy for you and hope that It’ll last. I want your books!

  24. Almost went to a museum is a huge thing! Again thanks for sharing so much of this process which I imagine is very draining. I am sending warm, fuzzy, kitten fueled energy to try to refuel you – xoxox

  25. You inspire me to commit to an invitation to leave the house for a few hours this coming Sunday with a friend to a tea party. If you can climb your mountain, I can drag myself up a mole hill.

  26. Cautiously, Furiously Optimistic for you Jenny. We will wait for you until forever.

  27. Hi Anonymous, this is a very appropriate place to bring up your fears, and you are not alone.
    Getting better sometimes means going through some scary stuff….but you are totally worth the effort. Please be strong, don’t give up; I promise there are days when you will be happy again, and we can hold your hand until you get there.

  28. I am so pleased for you & I get it. In struggling to figure out what works for me, my depression has improved greatly while my anxiety got dangerously worse, and I too listened to music and it was great. I hadn’t realised how much I missed it. And I got headphones so I could listen more. Turns out my medication was making it worse. (This is just me, and I don’t recommend anything I did.) So now I am pursuing medication for the anxiety that’s ruling my life, and I’m seeing slow improvement, but that’s still the right direction. The screaming in my head actually takes time off now. I also am hopeful. Best to you, Jenny. And yay! Books! 📚😘

  29. Oh, Jenny , I’m crying because I’m so happy for you to get some relief and hope and a little bit of joy. I found you when I was suicidal, and you helped me so much that I love you better than a sister. (Of course, you frontline my sister’s, so that is another story.) Bless you for being you, and when payday comes around I will but a t shirt and wear it with pride, cause it’s from MY JENNY!!

  30. That’s awesome, Jenny! I am praying hard that this truly works for you. Can you imagine how much more good and weirdness you could accomish if you were cured of depression? You would be absolutely unstoppable!

    By the way, a YA southern gothic horror novel written by you is something I would definitely read. As long as there aren’t sparkly vampires in it who can walk outside during daylight. There aren’t any, right? lol

  31. Totally support you and am so happy for all the good news you’ve shared!!!!

  32. That is so much good news! I’m really happy for you if the treatment is working. I know the “cautiously optimistic” feeling so well. But all fingers crossed that it’s for real and continues. And books, yay! I’m so excited!

  33. My aunt was doing some of the medical trials of rTMS. She said it had some amazing results on drug resistant depression. I hope it continues to do wonders for you.

  34. Love your honesty, your weirdness, your humor, all of which we need so f*ing much these days. Cheering for you!

  35. I’m so glad it is working! I often have the fear that any gains I make are actually a placebo effect or may wear off quickly but a friend reminded me that any amount of relief from depression be it temporary or just placebo is still relief and to enjoy every moment of that time. I really needed to be reminded of that advice today.
    I’m excited to hear about your new books and can’t wait to get my hands on them!

  36. I am weird, and I support you. Because you’re weird too, and I generally don’t want it if it’s not weird. I am so happy you’re feeling better. Also, new books! Yay! And I also do not like to listen to music when I’m depressed. It amps up my anxiety.

  37. OH JENNY, I’m nearly in (happy) tears at work because of your hopeful news!

  38. I’ve already said this on your IG, but I’m glad you’re seeing some light from the TMS treatment and I hope it continues. The news about the books is AMAZEBALLS. I think you’ve just injected some light into a lot of other people’s days with that announcement, even if they won’t be published for a while. <3 <3 <3

  39. So glad you are feeling a bit better.
    Really excited for the books too, but you getting some time in the light is more important.

  40. This is fantastic news all around! So happy this is working for you 😊. Also, love the shirt! Lots of hugs coming your way!

  41. This is very exciting and encouraging needs, indeed! I’m so happy that you are seeing some light. It actually lifts ME out of the dark a little bit. Hey, I actually got some vacuuming and dusting done today. Can you believe it? I’ll continue to have you in my thoughts & prayers for more progress. Meanwhile, I look forward to your new books. ☺ ♥

  42. I’m so glad that your seeing some nice results so far! My psychiatrist has me on a newer drug (been on it for six weeks or so) and it seems to be working! That asshole voice in the back of my head keeps telling me other drugs have seemed to work and then stopped before, but this time there is a different voice saying “well maybe it will, and even if it doesn’t I’ll have these good days in my emotional arsenal to fight back against the bad days if they come or not.” I really do hope this goes well for ya 🙂

  43. Feeling flashes of light and being able, and wanting, to feel are amazing steps. Hope the light grows brighter and brighter for you!

  44. This is coinciding with my first few weeks of lithium and I feel the same way – there is light and I don’t really trust it to stay because it never does, but on the other hand, the light is … light. Burned so many times, but … the hope feels real this time, too. Let’s choose to believe. Let’s do this thing. I have an idea – why don’t I celebrate by buying this awesome shirt I just saw?

  45. I am glad that it is working for you. Any amount of happiness feels like a great reward. I look forward to your new books, as your previous ones have had the role of podcasts in your life in my life. Your words has inspired me to start writing. Thank you.

  46. Praying for you, Jennie, and sending all the positive vibes to you. Even if it’s just for today, today is good. <3

  47. I’m sitting here in my couch crying tears of happiness because of this good news. I hope it continues to work and improved and lasts. I hope your fight for treatment helps others get what they need I am ridiculously happy! Only it’s not ridiculous to be happy that someone is in a bit less pain.

  48. I fly my freak flag freely and I support you, Jenny. And I am weirdly excited for your Southern Gothic YA novel. Because it sounds like it’s going to be fucking AWESOME.

  49. That is THE BEST news……I am so happy that this is the beginning of something wonderful…I know that sounds like a song, maybe it is!!!

  50. Jenny, I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am that this new treatment might be working for you!!!! I understand the feeling a bit…I recently stopped taking Seroquel and started taking Abilify for my Bipolar Disorder and I’ve been feeling so much better! I have energy to do things like start crafting again, and writing in my blog, and just “being” and “doing”.

    I hope this is the start of a new beginning for you!! and wow!!!!….2 new books?? That’s fantastic! I’ll bet Victor and Hailey are super excited that you’re feeling better as well. Keeping everything crossed that the good continues and the brain weasels continue to be scared away from the woodpeckers in your brain.

    You sure keep a lot of animals stored up there.


  51. Sooooo happy that things are starting to look better for you, you deserve the best. Positive thoughts give positive results. Keep thinking positive. Also, I’m happy for me and others that we will be getting new books from you in the future.

  52. This is wonderful news! Your description of depression is so true to my experience that I break a little on it. Today I’m playing Paul McCartney, and I’m a little wistful about the times I spent willfully music-less. James Corden saved me! Today, anyway, or actually yesterday and it carried over. I am so happy to hear that you’re getting reprieve from your depression. Take the gift and run with it. Do watch James Corden Car Karaoke with Paul McCartney. I cried joyful tears at the last song. I felt somehow witnessed, just as I feel understood when I read your writing. Thrilled for two more books! Sorry to connect everything back to me me me … I just got home from psychotherapy, so …. it is. Sending hugs and love. ❤️

  53. So happy for you I really hope that it is the treatment and that it continues to help, and to work.
    And very excited for the new books, too.
    Sending much love,xxxx

  54. Totally weird and totally supportive here. I’m glad for you that the flashes are there and glad for me you’re writing two new books. Best of luck with everything you’re working on.

  55. You know that an online friend is a true friend when you are as happy for them as you are for your meet-em-in-the-street friends. I am THAT happy!

  56. Welcome back to the world. We all hope you can get back here again son, to stay. But think of us a loving lifelines, not anchors, not demands. We just want you to feel the way you want to feel.

  57. Just remember that you can repeat the treatment if you need too! I had 2 refesher treatments a year apart, and so far a year later I’m still feeling great! I’m so happy that the treatment is working for you! It was a miracle for me!! Totally worth all the time required to do the treatments. 😊😊😊

  58. Doing the happy dance for you (in my head as I’m in the office and wearing heels). I know that as anxious and/or depressed people we tend to always look to the negative but I would take this victory (whether long or short-term) and celebrate!

  59. You inspire me. Thank you for sharing all your journeys with us so we know we aren’t alone. We all have our own personal crazy (in counting and checking and engaging in a myriad of bizzaro rituals so I can leave the house and not panic I forgot something and the world will burn down). It’s comforting to know I’m part of a tribe.

  60. I am so glad to read your blog. I too am weird and I’ve come to embrace it in my life. The deep dark depressions, not so much. I really hope this is working for you and I know how hard it can be to want something to work and be disappointed.You make me laugh and I can identify with you. I will be first in line up here in So Oregon to buy your new books.

  61. Wishing you all the enjoyment of the luscious feeling of wholeness you’re having. ❤️

  62. Already sold out! I’ll be anxiously awaiting both books. YA fiction is the most creative genre out there right now.

  63. I am SO glad you’re seeing light, even if just flashes at the moment, in the tunnel!! I cannot tell you how you’re feeling better makes me, by extension, feel better. I’m nowhere near needing the treatments you’re getting, but my head feels like exploded confetti almost all the time, so I feel better knowing you do. I rushed off to order a shirt, but, they’re already sold out, which means that there are so many of us that support you, and each other!! Rock on, everyone, in your own weird way!!

  64. I’ve read you for about a year, but never commented. Not because I don’t love what you write, but because I’m a lurker by nature. Anyway, what you say about music resonates with me. Sometimes it’s just too much, too raw, so I get that. And if this isn’t cool, please delete the comment, but you said you like podcasts and I have one. It’s about plants, so if you’re not into plants, don’t bother. But if you are, and if listening to it gives you half the joy you’ve given me, well, I’d be happy about that. (

  65. Glad you are feeling better! Can’t wait for the new books, no pressure. Hope you and your family have a good summer!😀

  66. I can so relate to the music thing. I haven’t had a deep depression for awhile, but low grade depression has been a constant. I wouldn’t listen to music because it made me feel too much.
    Like releasing my inner demons, hopes, and sorrows all at once. Just lately I’ve been coming out of it and finding music again. Man, I missed it!

    I’m so glad you are just letting yourself enjoy this feeling, however long it lasts (hopefully a very long time). Hugs and high fives!

  67. i so appreciate your honesty and your continuous posts when you feel so horrible. I feel blessed that myself and the world has the opportunity to spend time with you, and i will buy your next to 2 books and the 2 after that and the 2 after that … I plan on being a very old woman sonce these things take time.

  68. So good to hear there are flashbulbs blasting light into your darkness. I’ve a candle lit in my heart for you & hope even this little light lets you know how valuable you are to so many!

  69. Your book announcement made me tear up with happiness. I’m so freaking proud of you and SO SO glad you exist.

  70. I am soooo glad the treatments are poking holes in the darkness.
    The book news is so great. I love your brain and your words and can’t wait to read them. The YA book sounds intriguing! Jenny, your willingness to share details of your depression helps me to understand depression and anxiety better. Please continue. We love u!

  71. Yay for this! I had to get off Twitter as I began obsessively checking and making myself miserable..,so this is awesome news !!!

  72. This is such wonderful news all of it!! Keep doing you. I have been reading your blog on and off for years and remember crying with laughter at your first book. I just bought Furiously Happy and am so excited that you are still writing!! More and more of us understand what you are going through – which is kind of sad and scary, but welcome to life, right? LOVE LOVE LOVE 💕

  73. I want to burst into a wild cheer but understand the need for caution, lest our cheering enthusiasm itself set too high of an expectation… also, I have a dreadful cold and suspect cheering would bring on a coughing fit. And THAT is how I do weird but supportive today!!

  74. TWO new books! Color me weird but supportive – and VERY excited. Remember, the TMS is a process, it’s not like a cure-all pill that you take at night and wake up in the morning all cured. You take treatments for six weeks and it’s possible in a few years you might have to go back for a week or two, sort of like a booster shot. But that’s okay because if it works…oh, if it works!!! We will all be SO VERY HAPPY for you – FURIOUSLY HAPPY!!!!

  75. Hooray! So much to be joyful for. Can’t wait to read BOTH of your new books. You’re my favorite writer, ya know. I’m currently, as I type this, listening to your 1st book on audible for the bazillianth time. I love listening to both of your books! So happy your treatments are working and you feel great. I hope you feel encouraged and so very much loved-because you are loved!

  76. This is so great!! Is it ok if we stay weird even after you are back to normal?

  77. Jenny – I am so happy you are feeling relief; yet at the same time it saddens me to know how much pain you are in. Keep getting better!!!

  78. Yay feeling better! Yay books! Yay shirt but poop that my size is already sold out 🙁

  79. Not sure what is going on but I feel better too. I feel lighter and the depression has lifted somewhat since Sunday. I don’t know what happened but I am feeling better than I have in months. So glad to hear you are being cautiously optimistic. Let’s do this!

  80. I’m so happy to hear that you’re able to listen to music. That is huge! (When I was going through a very tough time, I could only listen to ABBA…all other music just crushed me, but ABBA had no emotional content for me.) (Of course, now when I hear ABBA, I do think about that hard time, but I got through it.) And hurray for moments of light!

    I’m also so happy for all of us that we’ll get to read TWO new books from you! Hurray for that.

    Thinking good thoughts for your continued feeling better.

  81. So much YES! I am so relieved at the fact that you have been blessed with this little break and modicum of relief. Actually want to leave the house and to do something is amazing. I leave to work because I have to but it drains so many spoons. I am moving and it is great and exciting but so exhausting. I am rooting for the hammering helping!

  82. So great to hear. After more than a year of constant migraines and joint pains, light sensitivity and nausea even on the rare occasions I didn’t have migraines plus my usual anxiety at leaving the house or communicating verbally in any way, with a side of moderate depression, I decided to take matters into my own hands and started taking hemp oil. Like you, I feel a little insane to think it’s working, and wonder at placebo, but after 10 days the nausea has subsided, the light sensitivity is only when I’m really tired, only one short migraine and I’m listening to music and singing. I’m sleeping better and I have actually woken up with energy a few times. Long may it continue and improve for both of us.

  83. PS – Yes also for books! Something fun for all of us to look forward to together 🙂

  84. I just went back on antidepressants after nearly two years off. I had quit a really stressful job and thought perhaps the job had been the problem but this winter discovered ‘nope, that wasnt it!’ What a relief to restart the medication and feel like a real and worthwhile person again. Modern medicine can offer miracles, why not take advantage of it and learn to live again!

  85. I SO understand ! I wont know I am better until I realize I am singing to myself. you are weird and wonderful and I am excited about the books

  86. That is such great news! I’m so happy to hear the TMS is working for you!!!
    Congratulations <3
    PS: congrats on the books too 🙂

  87. This post makes me happy I’m so many levels. I’m super excited about two – TWO! – new books. But I’m just really, really glad that you are starting to feel better. Whether it’s the treatment, or just you coming up for air on your own, I’m glad you are feeling optimistic and listening to music. That is amazingly awesome. Proud to be a weird supporter. ❤️

  88. I’m a therapist in Austin, and I am SO wearing that T-shirt to see clients! And I do t even like to wear T-shirts. Am thrilled you are better, Jenny.

  89. Pleeeeease Jenny, tell me your YA book has haunted vaginas! I need this!

  90. YAY for feeling better! YAY for a new t-shirt! DOUBLE-YAY for working on TWO new books! Supercalifrajilistic expialidocious!

  91. I have never suffered from any prolonged depression. Just the blues now and then. Therefore, I have been ignorant as to how dibilitating it can be to those who struggle with this. I am grateful for all those who are brave enough to educate me by trying to put the inexplainable into words. It’s much harder to be supportive of something people rarely talk about. Thank-you. You matter.

  92. I feel that way every time I go to a chiropractor. I am sure they are crackpots and it is so weird when they crack your spine and no way could this ever work and then….hey…I can move my arm again! Wow! Magic weirdness!

  93. Anonymous: I am so sorry to hear about how much you are struggling right now, and even more sorry to hear that you’ve been met with negative reactions when being open about the struggle. Even with all the knowledge available, and attempts at educating people about mental illness, there is still so much stigma and ignorance out there. People who have never struggled with it are so lucky, and many will never even know or appreciate their luck.
    I work in a psychiatric hospital, and while I have not personally had ECT, I have watched many of the people I have worked with benefit immensely from it. People who come into the hospital struggling and exhausted from fighting their own brain…are almost different people (in a good way) by discharge.

    If you are not comfortable with the prospect of ECT, ask your dr for more information (we have an information video that is required before beginning), or if there is a support group in your area to speak to someone who has personally had it. Don’t be afraid to ask whether another option like rTMS, or the vagus nerve stimulation device might be a good alternative. If they say no, ask why. It’s your right to be fully informed, and not every dr takes the time to present and fully explain all the options for their patients.

    It’s a scary prospect, because it’s so consistently misrepresented in the media. Just know that it is NOT like you see it on TV. You will be sedated during the procedure, and monitored very closely.

    Best wishes to you as you proceed, and I sincerely hope you find releif.

  94. It takes a real badass to be able to admit to or commit to saying “I feel better” because you know very well by the time you type the “r” in “better” the rug can be pulled out from under you and you get that all too familiar kick in the gut. And it’s all back. So, hell yeah, you BRAVE badass. You did it. You said it. And it is NOT back. ❤❤❤

  95. I am so happy for you! And OMG two books?! That’s amazing. I had a miserable day. I was told by a not very nice doctor that TMS is likely not an option for me which is gutting and devastating. The fact that it’s helping you makes me feel much better!

  96. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope the magnets are doing their magical (magnetical???), scientifical job and nixing your baddies!!!!! And, how amazing is it to be able to write two (TWO!!!) books whilst raising and child and being a wife and suffering through all the st you’ve been through physically and mentally? Who’s better than you??? (Dn few, and they’re all dead!)

  97. I’m delighted to hear the joy/hope in your writing! I hope you continue to progress to where happiness becomes your normal!!!

  98. That’s freaking awesome Jenny. Thanks for keeping us updated on your treatment; I’m so happy for you that the rTMS seems to be working. Yay for magnets, rad tunes and your new books! Sending weird but supportive vibes 💜.

  99. Hope is the thing with feathers
    That perches in the soul,
    And sings the tune without the words,
    And never stops at all,

    And sweetest in the gale is heard;
    And sore must be the storm
    That could abash the little bird
    That kept so many warm.

    I’ve heard it in the chillest land,
    And on the strangest sea;
    Yet, never, in extremity,
    It asked a crumb of me.

    –Emily Dickinson

  100. I want to genuinely celebrate for you 100% but I can’t (it’s more like 80%) because I’m so jealous about you feeling good. My “general” anxiety is under control – no one at work thinks of me as anxious person ha! – but my social anxiety never seems to get any better. I’m so lonely and I don’t know what to do. I don’t have any tool or tricks that work. Alcohol makes it worse. Forcing myself to do things with other people is so draining that I need at least a day to recover. I’m angry and sad and frustrated and stuck. I hope this treatment works for you I just wish there is something that would work for me.

  101. Congrats on the books, and I so hope the magnetic woodpecker treatment really is working. It’s so fabulous when something works. When I first found an antidepressant that worked, I remember thinking, “Is this what it’s like to be NORMAL?!” The sun was actually SHINING! Now, this was in Arizona where the sun freaking always shines, but it hadn’t for me. So I really, really hope the woodpecker does the trick for you.

  102. Yeah! I am so happy that you are seeing those flashes. Isn’t it wonderful to actually want to do things? My early warning sign is color. I don’t see color anymore when I’m starting a downward swing. I mean, I don’t go colorblind, but colors are just so muted and gray. Then one day colors just start to pop again and I know that I’m going to be ok. I’m glad you have your music back!

  103. I don’t care, Im still impressed. So there.
    and amazingly pleased that you had such a positive outcome on your first rTMS experience. Only good things, from now on. You deserve all the good stuff. ..

  104. We all share your pain and victories! So glad you are writing again. This is HUGE! Ready to buy a tshirt to support all of us struggling!

  105. Feeling your hope and excitement for this treatment. Wishing you the results you hope for. Good wishes from a quiet supporter.

  106. So, so happy that TMS is going well for you. And happy for us that we get to read more Jenny books! Woohoo! Hang in there, you’re doing awesome

  107. I meant… omg that shirt… now I feel even weirder (and yet oddly still supportive) bahahahahaha

  108. I’m so glad you are listening to music again. Go, Jenny! Awesome shirt and news about the upcoming books. Keep on going, sister!

  109. You are fabulous! I’m so glad the treatments are working. I love your books, and I look forward to the next two. Hope you continue to improve and have brighter days!

  110. I wish you a billion times the happiness you have given us through your honesty and humor. A couple of years ago, I went through chemotherapy for endometrial cancer. I would play your audiobook, Furiously Happy, and laugh so hard in the car on the way to work that I was afraid my wig would fall off and scare the people in the car next to me, watching me, who obviously already thought I was crazy because I was laughing so hard – in the car – by myself.

    That type of deep, deep, belly laughing is good for the soul and at fighting cancer!

    I hope that this treatment is exactly the thing that will work like magic for you. Although, I’m pretty sure that a woodpecker in your brain doesn’t seem like magic. I have been eagerly waiting for you to write a new book – and now that I know there will be two, I’m ecstatic!

    Thank you Jenny!

  111. cheeeeeeeeers so freaking much!!! I am so so so glad that this seems to be working for you! And the book announcement (excuse me, BOOKS announcement) is so exciting!! I don’t know that I’ve ever read anything considered ‘gothic’, but if it’s by you of course I’ll get it! (Also, I totally get the whole ‘feeling too much’ with music when you are depressed, though for me it’s not music it’s shows, I actually haven’t watched the series finale of my very favorite show yet even though it’s been over for over a month now because I know it’ll make me feel way too deeply right now.)

  112. YA Southern gothic novel!! Holy shit that’s awesome!!! Also of course can’t wait for the collection of essays. Woohooo!!!

  113. SO excited for two new books and even more excited the fog is lifting! <3

  114. Such wonderful news! I’m so happy to hear it, Jenny!

    Also, YAY!!! (for new books in the works) 🙂

  115. I am so, so glad that you feel a little better. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us. I don’t know if you realize how much you mean to us all. Slow and steady, sweetheart 🙃

  116. Bless you Jenny. Fingers, toes and everything else crossed that you continue to see improvements. It’s a long slog, but will be worth it if your depression is suppressed (?) or eliminated. (Not sure which is the expected end-point). Be well.

  117. So I’ve been thinking about your books & your blog & why I find it so refreshing and weirdly uplifting, and I realize that you write so authentically. I love that. I’m not weird, I find taxidermy kinda creepy, I don’t like goth or scary dollhouses or most of the stuff you find fascinating. But I still love your blog & your books (ergo, NYT bestselling author, right? Not everyone could be into the things you’re into..or could they??) Just wanted to tell you that I love your books and reread them faithfully and fitfully. They bring me up, for sure. You sent me one, I got one for Booksgiving and I bought one. And I’ve gifted about 20. I knew you must be writing and cannot wait for especially the essay book. Yay. Peaceful thrill. Go you and your journey to feel better. My daughter was diagnosed with BPD this year and is dealing with anxiety and depression.

  118. I fill every moment with audiobooks or listening to television. Last week I felt so tired that I planned to go to sleep the moment after walking my dog in the evening. I am on antidepressants but am feeling flat.

  119. So glad you are starting to feel a bit better!! Hope this is the beginning of something wonderful and life changing in a good way for you!!

  120. Weird and supportive fan here. I’m so glad that your treatment is giving you some hope and I’m super excited about the prospect of 2 new Jenny Lawson books!

  121. Thank you for always sharing what’s been going on because I’m sure it’s not easy. It is exciting to hear about the 2 books…I cannot wait to get my hands on them! Here’s to more brighter days for you!

  122. I always notice that for me, the darkness steals singing away. When that starts coming back I know that I’ve reached the top of the lake full of dark water.

  123. I know all these words…I know all these feels. I used to listen to comedy radio while putting on my makeup before work to squeeze some kind of normal reaction out so i could fake it the rest of the day. TMS was next but Escitalopram came in and saved my life. I’m crying now, (I remember the absence of me) and I know how you must be reveling in the feeling of…feeling. A shit day (or hour) may sneak in but you are now aware that you’re capable of being truly, for realz, legit happy. I am always around for you.

  124. This needs to be on a tee: It might be all in my head but that’s where I keep my crazy so that makes sense.

  125. Glad you’re having some positive moments! Thanks for sharing this experience. And a YA southern gothic novel sounds amazing!

  126. So awesome.I needed some good news today, and thank you for being it.

  127. I love you and I’m glad to hear that this is working out well for you. It’s great to hear that you’re having progress into feeling “good/great” and are working with it. I hope it continues to help you be in groovy/happy/good moods for longer periods of time. You’re an amazing person.

  128. I love your clothing, but wish the company made larger sizes that also still flattered large girls… nothing fits me!

  129. Omg I can’t tell you how much I needed to hear this. Keep moving forward. ❤️❤️❤️

  130. 💜💜💜💜keep with it if it’s working. Sending good thoughts your way!

  131. I am rooting for you and I so hope that this treatment helps you Jenny. I read your second book and loved it. It stared me in the face at a bookstore in the Seattle airport. It was perfect timing. I’m trying to get answers for my daughter. I know she has to be bipolar. She left our home and is on her own. She is now 23 years old. I love listening to you on utube. Take care and the best to you and your treatment.


  132. This sounds like great news! Just enjoy your progress and hopefully you will continue to get better.

  133. hoping it sticks at least enough for you to enjoy music now and again! sounds hopeful.

    the ‘weird but supportive’ reminds me of my home town’s informal motto “Keep Portland Weird” – we definitely need to add the ‘but supportive’ part!! (Austin, Texas and Portland, Oregon have a friendly battle over who came up with the “Keep (city name) Weird” first. Of couse we are. We’re the only two cities that say that as far as I know and of course we want to be the best weird there is out there! (It’s so Portland – and if you ever came to visit here you would definitely help us tip that way)

  134. I am so happy for you. Have been in a chronic depression for so many years that I am scared I will never have a day in which I actually want to live, let alone write. You give me hope. Thank you. xo

  135. Dear Jenny, I hope you read this and just maybe you might remember that many months ago I wrote you at your personal email to find out why you added “Pickles” to Barnaby Jones’ name cuz my first cat was named Pickles and to my delight you answered me “in person” – email not blog. I’m also the one who tells you (I hope you read these comments) that I “sit” on your blog posts and don’t read them often for days because YOU ARE MY PICK ME UP ON MY BAD DAYS, so I wait to read until I need you the most. Well today is different. Today I am reading several hours late but technically on the same day cuz I wanted to share something AMAZING with you. Last night, my childhood friend arrived from Alaska. She knew me before my Mother died when I was 13 (she died of depression and subsequent cirrhosis – you’ll see the connection, she was 38.) My father snatched two of my four (the youngest) brothers and me up exactly 2 weeks later and moved us an hour and a half away. I have not seen this woman in 30 years but ah, Facebook. This beautiful woman drove 15 hours out of the way on a journey from Alaska to the Mayo Clinic to spend last night and one entire day with me. WHO DOES THAT?? ONE SINGLE FRIEND WHO LOVED ME ENOUGH TO HOLD ONTO ME FOR 25Y BEFORE FACEBOOK, and made the promise 5Y ago that she would come. Because even though it is 31Y later, she held me in her memory all these years, proved it by bringing me “evidence” of our 13YO vow to be BFF FOREVER, and to introduce me to her daughter. And Jenny, I suffer from depression as well, because I was uprooted again 7Y ago, moved half way across the US from both of my “homes” and I just don’t fit in here, no matter how hard I try. But last night (Monday) I was given the greatest gift of my life. FAMILY. FAMILY IS NOT with whom you share a bloodline, or a home, or even a really tight friendship with. FAMILY IS ACTUALLY GOING HOME, TO WHO YOU STILL ARE, BARELY TOLERATED IN YOUR CURRENT SURROUNDINGS, TO WHO YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN IN THE VERY FIBERS OF YOUR BEING, EVEN WHEN YOURE SEPARATED BY 1000’s OF MILES AND 30+ YEARS. For a little over 24 hrs I got to talk about my Mama, my baby brother, no longer with us, and all the things that shaped me and make me “merely tolerated” in this world in which I merely survive now. What an honor that she would drive 15hrs out of her way just for little more than a 24 hour visit, what a gift I have received that someone continues to love me for EXACTLY who I am, what a joy to see her sweet daughter, WHAT A TIME WE’VE HAD! Tomorrow after she leaves I will surely be reprimanded by my husband (who fell in love with the me that this beautiful woman knows, but has changed his colors and expects me to completely change to fit the mold here). He will tell me I talked too much, I was too loud, I cussed too much – there will be a list of offenses, even though he genuinely liked her and her daughter, but I stepped out of the mold. BUT FOR ONE GLORIOUS DAY, LITTLE MORE THAN 24H, I WENT HOME. I GOT IT ALL BACK – MY MAMA, MY PRECIOUS BROTHER, THE LOVE OF FRIENDSHIP, AND I GOT BACK MY HEART, SOUL, AND EVERY PIECE OF ME THAT HAS BEEN CRUSHED, AND FORCED INTO THE MOLD.
    I really hope somebody, especially you, Jenny, actually reads this, because THAT is AMAZING, THAT is totally WIERD BUT SUPPORTIVE…one person. 24HRS.
    Let me know if you read this please, Jenny.

  136. So love hearing this hopeful news! Especially the specifics… which help me understand that I suffer from the same. Going out voluntarily?! Yahoo!!
    Thank you so much for sharing.

  137. I smiled so big with my heart just reading this. You DESERVE this, Jenny! You have bravely marched into this armed w/hope and perserverance and look where you are! Bravo just BRAVO! This made my week just reading this. Could not happen to a more deserving person! Enjoy this. Also my hubs gave me “You Are Here” and I have tell you it is incredibly insightful and beautifully stunning-The heartfelt writings and soulful drawings brought tears to my eyes. So glad you have more writings in store! Squeal 🙂 #weirdandsupportive

  138. So happy to hear you are feeling a bit better. Doesn’t matter the reason why(of course it would be awesome if it were because the treatment is working!). Just enjoy every second of feeling good! You deserve to feel good!

  139. Yay for flashes of light in the darkness! I’m glad you’re feeling good. Hugs!

  140. That is fantastic news all around! So happy to hear that things might finally be getting for you. I hope that someday I can say the same.

    And yay for new books! I can’t wait to read them!!!

  141. I am SO glad to hear this new treatment may be working. I just can’t imagine how good it must make you feel to know there’s something that might actually work! I’m excited to hear about your new books and can’t wait to read them. Sending you good vibes for your continued improvement!

  142. I’ve had TMS as well. For me it worked at first then I had a huge dip which is normal but I felt worse than when I started..then I felt better by the end of treatment and continued to feel better after. There are online Facebook and other groups that have really helped (especially with the “dip”), maybe you can join anonymously or something. I’m now doing maintenance treatments. Good luck to you!!!

  143. New Books are exciting but I am most excited about the effectiveness of your treatment. WoooHooo for that!

  144. Yay, Jenny! I am so happy for you. Kudos for being brave enough to try. That, all by itself, is a major accomplishment. I wish you the best.

  145. I am so so so very happy to hear this news. Sending you much love, light, hugs and happy music to make you dance. (I so get the not wanting to listen to music while depressed – all my passions just floated away when I had my lowest time.) <3 <3 <3

  146. I am totally weird but supportive! Might as well advertise it. 🤪 I fervently hope that this treatment continues to help you shine your light. My world needs you!

  147. I am so glad your having some success
    You need to make a shirt with this blogpost title on it. I would wear it to work on a regular basis!

  148. This one would be fun as small text circling the brim of a floppy sunhat: “It might be all in my head but that’s where I keep my crazy so that makes sense.”

    By the way, my husband has dubbed your treatment “Something with magnets, but it works.”

    We’re delighted to hear there’s a light – may it be the end of the tunnel!

  149. Sending good wishes for your head, happiness and both projects.

  150. Please keep us posted on how you’re feeling. And two new books! Got my credit card in hand!

  151. Thankyouthankyouthankfuckingyou for writing about this. You are helping me and so many others.

  152. I am SO rooting for you. 10,099%. I started with 1,099 but that looked too taxesish. So NO. I looked at the t-shirt and all the colors with the very good looking man. In all the colors but the Charcoal Heather he was turned to one side, in that color he was looking right at me. And telepathically telling me that the treatment would work. He is a Zazzle model and he knows these things. As a matter of fact, he told me (telepathically) that ALL of the Zazzle models were rooting for you. They probably have tons of models, I can’t even calculate how much rooting is going on. If yer lucky you might get some tooting too. Rooting and tooting. Woo Hoo! Best of luck to my very favorite blogger. Love you to bits.

  153. We love you. We will take these small steps with you. And we will always wait with you.

  154. This would sound strange anywhere else. Not here.

    I want to explain how much I relate to all this–except the woodpecker magic and feeling good. God, how I CRAVE the freedom of this constant weight that no one sees. A day, an hour, of not pretending but really okay.

    I wish I could convey how happy I am for you. But I know you understand when I say I’m too depressed to do anything other than survive. Coping skills are great, until the only thing you can manage is breathing.

  155. Hey- it’s so good to hear you’re feeling better and you’re coming out with new books. Of course I’ll read both, more than once. Idk if you’ve written about this on the blog before (although you touched on it a little in your books), but I was just wondering how like victor deals with this? Is he supportive and how does he show it? Does he ever get frustrated? If you worry it affects Hailey? I know those are heavy questions, but I just always worry about how my anxiety will affect my future family, so I was curious! Thank you to the moon and back — I love your writing 🙂

  156. I think you are a neurostar! Getting pummeled in the head is pretty sweet when it works. I don’t know you, but I pretend to know you. Your writing has been my glue so I am so happy that there are more books to come. When all this procedure is over and you feel better you will still be you… well the felling good you. Sometimes I might be concerned with myself if I ever got my shit together then would I be as interesting. You may or may not feel like that too, if you do don’t worry, because I think we will still have the same heart, odd perspectives and basic personality, just not with the huge black clouds. You are my glue and I hope that we in the bloggosphere are glue for you. We need you to stick around and encourage us to be furiously happy as we encourage you. I think you are brave to keep fighting to be here. We would miss you if you left.

  157. I am the same way with music. Sort of. I do still listen, but I don’t sing along, and I don’t even notice it until suddenly I’m singing along again. Also, YAY for new books from you!!

  158. I want to cry I’m so happy that your treatment even worked a little. I almost cried when you said you almost went to a museum because I knew how big a step that is. I hope with all my heart it works for you. For all you guys still fighting just keep swimming 🐟

  159. Good for you! As others have said, focus on the positive and keep taking baby steps.

  160. Super excited for you about the books! And me for getting to read them someday!!
    And sending lots of good thoughts your way that the treatments have a positive effect. Good luck as you continue on your healing journey!

  161. Hurrah, Jenny! And for people who are trying things, some methods that haven’t been successful for them- hang in there. Doctors are trying to help as they learn while on the run. They’re not always successful. Some succumb to compassion fatigue or ennui. None of that is your fault. I’m reminded of Allie Brosh’s “Hyperbole and a Half” where she tells the story of laying on the floor looking under her refrigerator to see a dried kernel of corn. And her meds start working and she starts laughing- a miracle moment. Those meds poison me and take me months to regain balance and beingness. On another front, the FDA has just approved MDMA as a treatment for PTSD. If this is the chemical that finally ends the torture of PTSD, that’s thrilling news.
    It’s interesting to look at three paths- Jenny’s explorations, the SSRI-SNRI and their ilk, and now MDMA that would appear to confront the same conditions- but the results tell us differently.
    And if your insurance company abdicates its role, fight back. Look to see if you can join a medical study. Maybe you’ll get free help, or they’ll pay you to participate. <3

  162. glad it is working- question ; my doc said i could not get TMS because i take klonopine and suggested Ketamine Treatments. Any comments?

  163. That’s such great news, Jenny! I hope you continue to see positive results!!

  164. Yay! Yay for good results and yay for southern gothic YA! (Somehow I could not picture you writing anything else but southern gothic YA.) Have fun on the writing and I’ll be picking them up as soon as they’re out!

  165. Made my day to hear this. Sincerely. All sarcasm removed. Want to share with ppl I love who suffer greatly. Love you. Love your stuff and can.not.wait. to read. ❤️

  166. So happy to hear all of your good news.
    You deserve it and more! Can’t wait to read your new books 🙂

  167. I know this is kind of late, but I want to tell you that you are not struggling with an asshole-y insurance company. My brother was born a girl. But from a young age, he always seemed to be more…well, “boy-ish”. He cut his own hair when he was 4. He never liked “girl clothes”, and was more interested in the animal side-kicks than the princesses in the Disney movies that I would watch. We were lucky enough to have parents who’s main concern about this was “fuck, now we can’t use all those hand-me-downs”, as most of our cousins were girls.

    Earlier this year, after I had come home rather late from babysitting, he smiled at me with a big toothy grin, and said, “I’m Nico now. I’m a boy.” I can’t remember what my exact response was, but I think it was something along the lines of “ok cool, now please get out of the bathroom. I need to brush my teeth.”

    Our entire family was super supportive. They smiled and said ok. Even our slightly senile grandmother, who had a hard time remembering what was said during a phone conversation that she had said the same day.

    My brother started to take hormones, and then summer rolled around. He already had a developed chest, and admitted to us that he wasn’t comfortable with swimming until he had had top surgery. And then our insurance company said “hahahaha no.”

    Turns out, our insurance company won’t let him get top surgery until he’s 18. We were super pissed off. Now he’s at summer camp, and won’t be swimming at all for the next 4 years. Which is a real shame, because whenever we swim together, he turns into a shark, and we have competitions to see who can pull the other underwater by the foot the most. We’re still arguing with insurance, so there really isn’t an end to this story, but just so you know, you are not alone. Insurance companies generally suck, and we will always be bitching at them to change shitty policies. Its an ongoing fight, and I think all of us will have an experience with people who are supposed to help us.

  168. I admit that I stockpile your blog updates and then consume them like I am bingeing or something. I knew about the upcoming treatment but not how it was going until today. I am relieved to hear that you are feeling some change, a movement of the needle in a positive direction. It doesn’t matter if it all seems crazy if it is helping and not causing you more harm than good. I applaud you for trying something else knowing that there was always the possibility that it might not be the magic beans you were looking for. A lot of people will let the pattern of previous failure determine the success of an alternative that comes their way. You are brave and boldly amazing. Praying this brings new hope to others who might be struggling to fight hard and see that light at the the end of the tunnel. I use an external neurostimulation device for migraine treatment and it has improved my cycle of headache days and reduced the amount of medication I take. Some people have looked at me crooked when I mention it but I am like, if you can find the means and it is helping, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Love ya so hard!!

  169. Jenny
    I just wanted to Thank YOU!!! I read your book Furiously Happy, more like listened to. I recommended it to my daughter that was 14 years old. Introducing the book to her, I said “I found your people, and one of the wrote a book”. After hearing her eyes rolling, she said “Whattttttt??????”

    She listened to it, the next day she came to me and said “I have to have this in print, PLEASSSEEEE, MOMMMMMM!!!!!” The only way a teenager can. Needless to say we got her a printed copy. After she got her printed copy of your book, she started on her journey of looking for her spirit / service animal. Begging her Dad to take her to a taxonomy shop. Mean while we have been to Disney, not the happiest place for her on Earth. We did not find her service animal. We are still on the quest.

    Your book helped her to find humor in her anxiety where she can. She has found a great therapist, and even greater friends. She internalizes so much. Your book helped her to find her good days to be great, and her bad days to be snuggle up and watch movies days. Some of her weirdness is being short, having anxiety, OCD, being a teenage (that is never listen to). H.G. found strength, wisdom, struggle, humor, and humanity in your book that helped her not to feel so alone. So, THANK YOU from a mom that heard her daughter find her voice. She learned a lot from your book. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. Please keep up the writing, and we will keep reading (or listening).

  170. I remember the moment I listened to my favorite piece of music for the first time in more than two years, finally feeling like I both wanted to and was allowed to want to…driving down the freeway with tears streaming down my face like the crazy lady I am. This is what depression takes from us, and it always feels like a miracle to get it back. Hoping your journey with rTMS continues to be a good one <3

  171. I’ve heard of this, and even read a decent amount on it. Oh my gooodness. I stalked a decent amount of your blogs regarding rTMS and low key just want to find you and hug you. I think my bosses daughter just went through this as well, but she said at the end she was basically a different person. Hugs and light to you my friend.

  172. White was considered a controversial figure by her critics, with much of the controversy centering on her reports of visionary experiences and on the use of other sources in her writings. Historian Randall Balmer has described White as “one of the more important and colorful figures in the history of American religion”.

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