Hi. If you had any doubts about my sanity before you won’t after reading this but I have to write this, so sorry.
I have this weird thing where thoughts get stuck in my mind. Some doctors say it’s a type of OCD and some say it’s intrusive thoughts from Impulse Control Disorder but whatever it is, it super sucks. Mostly it’s terrible thoughts about the world, or anxious fears that won’t stop echoing in my head and a lot of time it’s terrible things that happen in the news that I can’t stop thinking of…so much so that I am paralyzed and unable to do anything other than wait for it to pass, like an ear worm that won’t stop except instead of a song it’s a thought that exhausts me mentally and physically.
I can recognize that my reaction is not rational and is unhelpful and I have some tools to help but sometimes those tools don’t work because something happens in such a way that I become convinced that it’s a sign…a warning. My mind tells me that I need to do certain things to keep myself and my family safe. And that sounds crazy. Because it is crazy. But also? Sometimes it’s right. Sometimes that voice in my head telling me to be careful or to change a date or to avoid a flight yells so loudly that I listen and sometimes…sometimes it’s right. It’s probably coincidence. If you listen to those fears often enough you’ll see the things you want to see. But. There’s always a but, isn’t there? But sometimes it feels like you have to listen to those voices, because maybe it isn’t crazy…maybe you’re picking up something the universe is laying down, or your subconscious is seeing a pattern you can’t see. I don’t know. I only know that sometimes I listen and today is one of those times.
Yesterday I drove up on a fatality as I was driving Hailey to camp. The police and ambulances were already there. We said a prayer as we passed.
On the way home I saw a dog I’d often rescued from the street dash out into the street and get hit by a car. The owner was convinced it was dead but I felt its pulse and she rushed to take him to a vet. I don’t know if he survived.
On the way to treatment today I barely missed an accident and on the way home I witnessed another.
It’s probably just a lot of coincidences but it doesn’t change this nagging and unending warning I feel in my bones and that’s why today I’m writing this to tell you to be careful. Don’t text and drive. Don’t drink and drive. Don’t let your dog go out without a leash and don’t swerve into traffic if you see an animal dart in front of you. Be careful out there. And I will too.
And I’m sorry for writing this because I know it sounds completely nuts but I think the only way I can get it out of my head is to tell you all to be careful because then I’ve done everything I can and maybe voice this will stop.
Be careful out there. Because I love you.