Last week I got hit with a major bout of depression. I did all the things I’m supposed to do. Nothing helped. Usually when this happens I wait it out. I’m stronger than my mental illness even though it feels like an inescapable monster when it’s here. Then Sunday I took a darker turn. And Monday I was worse. There are a few things that come when my depression gets really bad. Exhaustion, almost flu-like. My peripheral vision goes away. My body goes numb and my face feels heavy and weighted down. When it’s really bad I stare out at a fixed point and can’t move my eyes from that spot, like I’m paralyzed for several seconds at a time. In some ways it’s a relief to have physical signs of what’s happening…to remind myself that it’s real and not just in my mind…but it’s also terrifying to have your brain take over your body when your brain is the most dangerous place to be.
I called my doctor. I got an appointment for next week to see the doctor who did my Transcranial Magnetic Therapy so we can see if booster sessions might help shake me out of this.
And then…almost as suddenly as it appeared…it vanished.
This happens sometimes. Usually it’s a slow process of several days recovery but this time it just went away. I was left feeling exactly how you feel after you stop throwing up from food poisoning…shaky, vulnerable, empty, exhausted, terrified that it’s not over, but so incredibly grateful that my body belonged to me again.
I want to cancel my appointment with my doctor. I want to pretend this week didn’t happen. But it did and it may be a fluke or it may be a sign that I need more help. I will continue to work the program. I will continue to fight battles in my head.
I always feel bad writing about mental health stuff because I know I’m tired of feeling it so I’m sure you are tired of hearing about it but it’s a relief to be able to lay it all out here and to read back and see how far I’ve come…to see that I may struggle with these seemingly invisible enemies but that I have a perfect record (so far) of beating them. And you do too if you are reading this. I’m proud of you. I hope you are proud of yourself.