Falcon sex hats

Red Scharlach tweeted this out yesterday:

…and then about a billion people forwarded it to me and were like, “THIS MADE ME THINK OF YOU” and that’s concerning because other people get “I saw the sunrise and thought of you” but I’ve managed to corner the market on raptor jizz hats. ( Also, spellcheck was like “Did you mean ‘raptor jazz hats’?” and no, spellcheck.  You’re not helping.)

So I felt weird about it for a second and then immediately decided to celebrate the fact that you guys know me so well because honestly, this shit is amazing.  First off, it’s a hat that comes with a bird.  Possibly two.  Or more.  I don’t know how falcon orgies happen.  And instead of it being taxidermied like old fashioned bird hats the bird is still alive and I can stop paying the exterminator because the hat raptors will eat all the mice in my house.  And possibly by dog.  Unless I get her a jizz hat too.  Then we can match and honestly, we both have a face for hats so this works well.  Plus, if I’m collecting falcon sperm I can use that to make more falcons.  This hat pays for itself.  In falcons.

UPDATED:  OH HANG ON.

I thought the falcons were having sex on hats because they were exhibitionists and maybe they weren’t good at aiming so the hat caught anything “extra” but I just watched the video and turns out the hat is a fake lady-garden that the bird masturbates into while the hat wearer makes sexy falcon noises and this is a sentence I never thought I’d write but there it is.  

 

142 thoughts on “Falcon sex hats

Read comments below or add one.

  1. So long as it attracts good birds like raptors. You don’t want it attracting Australian bin birds. You’ll need to search YouTube for Australian bin bird to see what I mean.

  2. Ok I have some questions – why are they attracted to this hat? I mean, it doesn’t look like a raptor, so I’m a bit confused by this.

    Also who in the world figured this out? Someone one day wearing a random hat and a bird just had sex on it, so that person was like “Hey, I can sell this!”

    (Okay, I just looked it up and apparently lots of falcons have bonded with their owners and aren’t into lady falcons so when they’re having sex with the hat they’re really sort of having sex with their owner, which I think is probably illegal in Texas. ~ Jenny)

  3. OMG and I thought my job was depressing. Also, less than 3% of birds actually have a penis, how weird is that? Woodpeckers don’t actually have peckers. It’s kind of sad.

  4. The fuck?
    I don’t think that falcon knows what it’s doing.
    I’d have blurred my face out of a video where I was literally head fucked by a bird.

  5. Words. Words elude me.
    A) how did they discover that this particular style was shagtastic for Falcons?
    B) WTF???
    Words should probably elude me henceforth.

  6. Actually, I’m a little disappointed they don’t have a better name. Like spatchcock chapeau. Although I’m sure falcons would avoid anything with the word spatchcock in it.

    (salutes you ~ Jenny)

  7. I think this might be the best thing I’ve ever read. You could totally pull off a falcon jazz hat, too. Normally spellcheck and I are frenemies at best (I’m semi-convinced it’s conspiring with autocorrect to destroy me) but I think it may be on to something right now. House Bloggess is renowned for fierce metal chickens and even fiercer falcon jazz hats.

  8. @Gaz
    OMG, it’s been forever since I heard an Australian complaining about garbage birds, and I had no idea how much I missed it until just now!

  9. I love this SO much—and I love every member of the tribe who thought JENNY NEEDS TO SEE THIS.

    Falcon.
    Sex.
    Hat.

    Pays for itself—in falcons.

  10. Is that what a bird vagina looks like?! I feel like I want to google ‘bird vagina’ but I’m also afraid of seeing something worse than that hat.

  11. Dave Barry wrote a seriously funny (but what part of his work ISN’T) on this very subject back in THE 80’s (which coincendentally, I reread a couple of days ago), and I never expected they’d STILL be doing it. In fact, at first I thought your column would turn out to be that you’d discovered his column and were recommending it. How weird! (For anybody interested, the title of his column on this is titled “Cheep Sex).

  12. The noises made by that guy in the video are the most disturbing thing I’ve heard all week (and my cats seem to agree). AHHHHHH AHHHH AHHHHH AHHHHHH YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP

    I imagine that guy being at a party, telling people what he does for a living. Someone says “do the noise! do the noise!” and then immediately regretting it.

  13. Retirement options. My friend sent me this too with a wtf moment comment and I thought of you disclaimer. Wow. Lmao. I’m still not sure why falcons need assistance.

  14. Not sure there’s a sentence out there that you won’t eventually write, and I love you for it!

  15. OMG, this is so weird (but not for the reason you’re expecting). Dave Barry wrote a truly hilarious column, entitled “Cheep Sex”) on this very subject back in THE 80’S, which coincidentally I happened to reread a couple of days ago. AND THEY ARE STILL DOING IT. When do you have enough falcon jizz?

  16. Yeah, it turns out raising falcons who have never really met other falcons is a recipe for weirdness. I also read that they tried to do the same with a species of parrot but the parrots were too aggressive so they tried robot parrots and that didn’t work either.

  17. AHAHAHAHA!!! Oh, c’mon now — you want us to believe that you don’t know how to make sexy falcon noises?! Your tribe knows you…

  18. I wish there were a way to post the NBC “The More You Know” shooting rainbow star right now. I will never look at masturbating falcons the same way again.

  19. “First off, it’s a hat that comes with a bird.”

    Surely it’s the other way around? 🤔

  20. I have just watched falcon porn. Another thing I never thought I’d do brought to me by The Bloggess.

    I have so many questions now, but NO WAY IN HELL is this going in my Google search history. God forbid Amazon got ahold of that information.

  21. The guy collecting the sperm, right in front of the bird, is kinda creepy. I suddenly started thinking about The Viking and someone running in to collect his……stuff…..right while he’s standing there and now I can’t have sex anymore. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

  22. Well, we do have a neighborhood falcon. Not sure if I should get a hat though. I’d hate to be a raptor tease. Too bad it doesn’t attract Red-tailed Hawks — then it could be a “Buteo Beret!” 😉

  23. So I was just texting with my husband who travels for work, and it turns out his hotel is the site for a huge furry convention this weekend, and we were texting about a workshop on having sex with birds. I went directly from that to this, which is some bird-human-sexcapade coincidence that I honestly was not expecting. So thank you for that.

  24. this beats seagulls shitting all over your hat – i mean, CUM ON…. oh, i’m just gonna laugh about this the rest of the night. you guys are awesome! shagtastic? retirement options? Dave Barry!
    i love you all!

  25. I dunno, I think spell check is on to something. Raptor jazz hats could be awesome. Just imagine a whole line of them, wearing glittery bowler hats, doing the ‘One Singular Sensation’ number from ‘A Chorus Line’.

  26. Your spellcheck gives a whole new meaning to the term jazz/jizz hands. Only in this instance it would be jizz head. Is the falconer then giving head? I’d better stop now before I get too far down the lady garden path.

  27. Large birds do seem to aim high when they breed. Our zoo had a large Ground Hornbill that had a thing for my boss. Henry tool every opportunity to jump on boss man’s head.

  28. Large birds do seem to aim high when they breed. Our zoo had a large Ground Hornbill that had a thing for my boss. Henry tool every opportunity to jump on boss man’s head.

  29. Truth is stranger than fiction. I mean, how did they even invent this? What was that moment like? I always wonder what the thought process was before a thing existed.

  30. Hmmm…. this is a new weirdness to me. Was the guy saying “ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!” as in advertising that he is a bird slut? Gee whiz jizzz!

  31. Dibs on being able to name my band Raptor Jazz. It’ll be a jazz ensemble. It’ll work perfectly. And we’ll all wear the hats. While in those raptor costumes. It’ll be perfect.

  32. Don’t miss Stephen Fry and the endangered Kakapo:

    From BBC’s “Last chance to see”, based on Douglas Adam’s book with the same title.

  33. I will never ever ever get tired of the phrase “Lady Garden”.
    I thought only human women had one, but apparently they are not species-specific

  34. or a bird that comes on a hat. Sorry. Couldn’t help it. BTW – I am naming my next female cat “Tawdry Hepburn” in honor of your pet naming nomenclature because I <3 you that much.

  35. As someone who used the NYC subway for two decades, I in no way want spoodge of any kind on my apparel. Call me a prude, but NOPE.

  36. And I thought it was borderline obscene when our budgie masterbates with his toy in the cage we keep in our living room. Doesn’t matter if we have company over or are eating dinner – he has no shame. I guess that’s what they mean when they say be thankful for what you have… at least the budgie isn’t going to town on my head.

  37. Am I the only one who thought of “Clerks”? “It’s important to have a job that makes a difference, boys. That’s why I manually masturbate caged animals for artificial insemination.”

  38. “To date, over 6,000 peregrine falcons have been successfully released in the US alone. And while we’ve largely moved on to better and more efficient ways of collecting semen from donor birds, adaptations of Boyd’s creation are still in use today (and available for purchase, should you find yourself in need of a Sex Waffle).” Sited from: https://www.earthtouchnews.com/wtf/wtf/behold-the-falcon-sex-hat-a-species-saving-hump-helmet/

    SEX WAFFLE! I am DYING with laughter 😂🤣🥞

  39. This might explain why some species become endangered–too much sex with hats, and not enough sex with lady birds. I can just imagine the female flacons sitting around watching the males grinding against hats and gossiping: “Poor Frank. He’s got such a hat fetish he’s forgotten women even exist.”

  40. i feel compelled to acknowledge this information that will stay with me forever but nothing seems appropriate.

  41. Um. I have no words, other than to say that I believe female birds don’t have a vagina — the male bird puts his cloaca (all purpose hole, kind of…) against hers, and passes the semen to her that way. Unless it’s one of the few avian taxa where the males have penises (my spellcheck doesn’t like when I try to use the plural penii — it just took like 7 tries to get that typed). I think some penguins have external genitalia? You’ve welcome. (but mostly thank you for the weird WTF post — much needed after the day I’ve had).

  42. My mind has wandered (and whose hasn’t at this point) … so what do the lady falcons do for fun?

  43. This is kind of amazing.

    Raptor Jizz Hats for all should be somebody’s presidential campaign promise. I don’t know whose, but somebody’s.

  44. A. They look like those real old timey hats so I wonder inntfe 1500s if some poor ladies maid was out for a walk and got attacked by falcons
    B. Do the falcons ever miss their landings and the handler like loses an eye? The most Embarrassing way to lose an eye tbh
    C. Do the hats just look like massive falcon labia/vagina situations to falcons?

  45. I was under the distinct impression that even if something should be illegal, it probably isn’t in Texas.
    I learn the damnedest stuff from you, Jenny.

  46. So you stand around saying ‘hey baby, baby’ in falcon while it jizzes in your hat so you can make falcon babies.

    Seems legit.

    And seriously, was that the only possible solution? A hat???

  47. When I saw the tweet I swore I wasn’t going to like it or share it or write about it but now here you are and I have to like this because you wrote it and also because it reminds me that I’ve been paid to masturbate hogs which meant taking matters into my own hands but everybody who’s read my blog or any of my books or my website already knows this. So thanks.

  48. Hey Saracvt, I read that essay only yesterday! I picked up my threefer of Dave Barry’s books, and that one caught my eye ahem.
    The guy under the hat is making the noises as part of the falcon courtship ritual. Apparently, it translates to “Hey bay-BEE! hey bay-BEE!”
    No mention of jazz hands. Or jizz hands, for that matter.

  49. I don’t think I could stop laughing long enough to wear a hat and screech while a falcon rubs its cloaca on the hat so that I could collect its jizz. And there are at least five things in that sentence I never could have imagined typing out.

  50. so if a falcon could make a porn movie, what do you want to wager it’s location would be the Kentucky Derby?

  51. Are they BLIND? I’ll never hear the phrase “eyes like a hawk” the same way again.
    Be glad it isn’t a harpie eagle.
    Where is this job on LinkedIn?
    The Atlanta Falcons definitely need a makeover – their helmet’s design is all wrong.

  52. I..omg, I have no words for this! It beats out the article I recently saw about how dolphins use puffer fish toxin as a hallucinogen.. But you know what? I use to respect falcons, but damn, if they are dumb enough to do this to a HAT…oh, again, words escape me…

  53. Jesus god Jenny! Lol! 😂 I cannot open anything from you at work now! I had to leave a meeting because I had read the header for your email and burst into hysterical laughter like a 5 year old, 😂 Naturally I had to read everything you had to say on the subject. lol 😂 Thank you for brightening a boring work day!

  54. Words fail me. Poor falcon, though. Is this the height of his sex life? Does he know what it’s like to do it with a lady falcon? Weird-o-Rama.

  55. Does it only work for falcons? I mean, if you forgot you had it on and accidentally wore it to the beach would you automatically be the hottest seagull ticket in town? Asking for a friend.

  56. Literally the oddest thing I’ve seen all day. Nope. Strike that. All week. Nope. All moth. Let’s just go with that. Can’t say all year because I’m January someone sent me a video of rabbits procreating. Yep. Poor little bunnies pass out afterwards.

  57. This is just a general comment rather than one specific to this post (although it is gold).

    Thank you for existing…and sharing your awesome mind.

  58. What have you done to my YouTube history and subsequent predictions??? Also, now Jet’s famous for his jizz… Bet his owner thinks that sperm’ll be worth a fortune now!

  59. I saw this on a UK TV show a couple of weeks ago. The hat is the shape it is to enable efficient collection of the goods, it plays no part in attracting the bird. The bird would just happily shag the man’s head (or any other type of hat) but it wouldn’t make for easy collecting, although there’s film possibilities there – ‘There’s Something About Martin’. ‘Four Jizz Hats and a Beret’ – to name a couple.

  60. What are you supposed to do while the falcon is having his fun? Breakfast, Jeopardy? Also, is the hat only for trying to have more falcons, or is it also used for casual falcon fun? So many questions.

  61. What I love most about you and your blog is today Falcon Jizz Hat, previous post important how to talk to your kids post. Both (oddly) necessary in this day.

  62. My question is who came up with this idea? “Hey Bob, I’ve got an idea for a way for my falcon to have sex with my head. I’ll wear a funky hat and make sex noises.”

  63. When people have bad poops, or weird things happen in the bathroom, they tell me they think of me. I’m not sure what that says about me.

  64. This is why I still love the world. Think of all the people who totally seriously worked on figuring this out and then wearing the hat and making the noise.

    I would like to think that the hat-wearers have the best-paying job ever…but maybe if that’s the kind of job you want, you don’t really care about the money…which makes me want to hate the world. Aaaaaaahhh! (opposite of a sex noise)

  65. That’s a dedicated man right there. Having a parrot that is bonded to me, it’s not surprising to see that. Pretty inventive actually. I worked at an equine breeding barn and all breeding was done through artificial insemination. It was business as usual for us.

  66. They should have meetings for people who are enmeshed with their falcon’s problems…failure to procreate, a cocaine problem, etc…Falc-anon.

    If these falconers are the norm I think all of them need to practice some healthy detachment.. emotionally.. physically.. yeahhh.

  67. There should be meetings for falconers who are enmeshed with their falcon’s problems…procreation issue, cocaine problem, gambling addiction, etc…Falc-anon.

    If this is the norm then I think it’s time they healthfully detach…
    physically.. emotionally..
    Yeahhh.

  68. I dunno , Jenny. The top of the hat looks sort of like bubble wrap. Who doesn’t love bubble wrap?

  69. Things that I missed out in my Disney knowledge of animal biology. Though I think this should be a show on Animal Planet. I mean can you just imagine the commentary? This week on Raptor’s Peaks. Ohhh La la -enter the pixelated privacy square-

  70. When I’m sitting at work and think omg this just couldn’t be worse, I can totally say well least I don’t have a falcon screwing on my head. That’s a good thing.

    Just awesome. Totally hysterical.

  71. I met a young man this weekend who so reminded me of you first story. He was from Sweden and at 7 his English wasn’t great. So I took him to the empty pet shop, all animals were just skins or shells. Once he understood and with a huge smile found a skunk with legs still attached and shoved his whole arm up inside to work it like a puppet. I’m going back to buy the skin now.

  72. I just watched this again. Oh my fkg God… it isn’t a hat that comes with a bird, it’s a bird that comes with a hat.

  73. How would you list this on a resume? Raptor Seed Captor? Avian sex worker? Falcon Fun ‘n Fertility Facilitator?

  74. I just laughed so hard at that bird once it was done. It swayed a little like “oh yeah, I’m ready for a nap now”. LOL thanks for sharing

  75. Everything good with you? I get a little worried when you haven’t posted for a while.
    Hugs from someone you don’t know, no matter if you need them or not!

  76. Unexpected, weird, a twisted part of nature? Thank you Jenny! I have laughed and subsequently coughed myself breathless! Typing is indicative of survival.

  77. I had a male lovebird for years, and he would masturbate on a rope knot perch I got him. He’d also regurgitate onto it (I know, TMI) as a male would do for a nesting female. Finally the vet suggested I remove it as she didn’t think it was healthy for a bird to masturbate all day. I took it out of the cage, but I still feel guilty.

  78. This is the exact reason I LOVE the internet! I can now say I have seen a falcon whack off…

  79. … except I don’t think you get the falcon as a bonus for buying the hat, unfortunately. I think you have to buy the hat so your falcon has a way to fuck your head.

    … which is a statement I NEVER expected to make or write! Woof!

  80. Why do I always end up reading these posts in the of hours of the morning? Then trying to silently laugh my ass off? I live in Pensacola and I guarantee no one in my family will ever look at a seagull the same way again!! Thanks Jenny!

  81. I heard about falcon sex hat from the podcast everything is alive episode 4 of season 2.

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