Red Scharlach tweeted this out yesterday:
…and then about a billion people forwarded it to me and were like, “THIS MADE ME THINK OF YOU” and that’s concerning because other people get “I saw the sunrise and thought of you” but I’ve managed to corner the market on raptor jizz hats. ( Also, spellcheck was like “Did you mean ‘raptor jazz hats’?” and no, spellcheck. You’re not helping.)
So I felt weird about it for a second and then immediately decided to celebrate the fact that you guys know me so well because honestly, this shit is amazing. First off, it’s a hat that comes with a bird. Possibly two. Or more. I don’t know how falcon orgies happen. And instead of it being taxidermied like old fashioned bird hats the bird is still alive and I can stop paying the exterminator because the hat raptors will eat all the mice in my house. And possibly by dog. Unless I get her a jizz hat too. Then we can match and honestly, we both have a face for hats so this works well. Plus, if I’m collecting falcon sperm I can use that to make more falcons. This hat pays for itself. In falcons.
UPDATED: OH HANG ON.
I thought the falcons were having sex on hats because they were exhibitionists and maybe they weren’t good at aiming so the hat caught anything “extra” but I just watched the video and turns out the hat is a fake lady-garden that the bird masturbates into while the hat wearer makes sexy falcon noises and this is a sentence I never thought I’d write but there it is.