If all is going to plan I’m in Japan right now but wheel I’m gone I’m sharing some of the most viewed Bloggess posts of the last 12 years. This was a special request from 2011…
That’s why I’m not allowed to be here unsupervised.
It all started with a tweet I sent out a few months ago, linking to the blog of an antique store that was selling something fantastic and horrible…
me: HOLY SHITSNACKS. SOMEONE BUY THIS FOR ME:
Follow-up tweet:
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Conversation with Victor on the phone (several minutes later, when I realized he’d probably read my twitter feed):
me: Hey. I just bought a honey-badger killing a python.
Victor: Who is this?
me: No, seriously. I just emailed you a picture. The cobra-mongers said I could rent it for $100, but it’s only $300 to keep it and renting is like throwing money away. That’s what Dave Ramsey always says.
Victor: You bought two dead animals – killing each other – because renting them is a bad investment?
me: And also because I suck at returning things. I still have VHS tapes from Blockbuster that I’ve never returned.
Victor: *sigh*
me: This is awesome because it’s like a naked honey-badger death/Cobra match. There is no part of that that doesn’t scream “BUY ME”. Plus, the cobra looks so damn happy. He’s like “HI FRIEND!” and the honey-badger is all “I WILL END YOU” and the cobra’s like “WOULD YOU LIKE A NUTTER-BUTTER? THEY ARE DELICIOUS.” And the honey-badger is like “I WILL MAKE YOUR SKIN INTO A SWEATER.”
Victor: Wtf?
me: Oh my God, they’re totally us. Guess which one is me?
Victor: The cobra.
me: EXACTLY. I’m going to make a whole cartoon just based on honey-badger and cobra.
Victor (opening the picture): Oh, holy shit. Honey, seriously? You paid money for this? It’s not even a honey-badger. It’s a mongoose with mange. It’s Rikki-Tikki-Tavi from Kipling.
me: Which is even better. It’s a death-match with a moral. How often do you buy a death-match that comes with its own story? Almost never.
Victor: And where are you planning on putting this monstrosity?
me: I hadn’t thought that far ahead. It was an impulse buy. It’s like when you buy gum at the check-out counter. You don’t go in for it, but you buy it. And then the whole family appreciates it later. This is just like gum. AWESOME DEATH-MATCH GUM.
Victor: I need you to stop talking now.
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Two weeks later:
me: EEEEAAAAAAHH!
Victor: What the fuck? What’s wrong?
me: I JUST OPENED A PACKAGE AND THERE WAS A COBRA IN IT.
Victor: Um, you mean the cobra you ordered?
me: Oh holy shit, my heart is racing. I totally forgot I bought it.
Victor: Of course you did.
me: Wow. You know when you’re opening a package and there’s a cobra in it and you’re all “WHO IN THE FUCK SENT ME A COBR-Oh, wait. This is probably the cobra I ordered”?
Victor: Nope. No one knows what that’s like.
me: Ugh. I hate that feeling. I’m so freaked out now I don’t even want to open the rest of it. They should have put a warning on the outside.
Victor: Something like, “Here’s the cobra you ordered. Dumb-ass”?
me: No, because then the post office would confiscate it. There’s a sign up at the post office that says you can’t mail fireworks or puppies. If you can’t mail a puppy I’m pretty sure that you can’t mail cobras either. That’s basic logic.
Victor: “Logic” doesn’t enter into any part of this debacle.
***********
Then I waited to be less creeped out by them, but they were quickly losing their whimsy and I started to suspect they were planning to kill me in my sleep. Plus, Ferris Mewler developed an unhealthy obsession with the mongoose.
And with the snake.
And in the end I decided to just put them both outside in the garage so they could scare away other cobras and mongeese.
It’s totally working.
PS. Look. I made new cards for my shop:
And this one is for when your spouse thinks you’ve spent too much money on shoes or power-tools or whatever. Unless you spent too much money on a mongoose/cobra deathmatch. Then this card is not applicable.
OMG! Now this IS the ultimate in impulse purchases. I feel much better about myself…happy mongoosing!
That card [Guess what I didn’t buy today] totally stands up to the years – just as applicable today as when you first made it! I love a classic.
So they are lost? Maybe you left them in the garage when you moved, and the new owner adopted them. Or freaked out.
Haven’t you moved since then? I’m guessing you left it in the old house as the most terrifying housewarming gift ever.
LMAO I am DYING! 🙂 ♥
So few presents come with a back story. This was an excellent investment. I may or may not have a Blockbuster item in my possession. I feel guilty about this so I’m glad I’m not the only one that still has something!
I don’t think “unpleased” is a word, but I’m using it from now on.
This is totally a Victor-like comment — but maybe it’s best for all concerned that nobody knows where this item has gone to. 🙂
I would like a book made up of text messages with you and Victor. Just saying…
I want one!!
I feel like all of these throwback posts need a “Where they are today!” update alongside. WHERE IS THE DEATH MATCH???
Did you get the backstory? Like what inspired this piece? Did someone happen upon this scene and then recreate it? I feel like I need to know more…lol
@geekmamas The scene is from Rudyard Kipling’s Rikki-Tikki-Tavi — https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rikki-Tikki-Tavi
You were so right not to rent! I leased a car once. Unfortunately, it was not a Cobra. And I don’t think anyone puts out a Mongoose, for some reason.
OMG, you make me laugh SO HARD! Victor has to be the most patient husband on the planet, and you are so Effin’ hilarious. This is epic.
I have tears in my eyes. Thank you.
Rikki Tikki Tavi gave me nightmares of flourescent green cobras coming after me for years. Also, the photo of Ferris making out with the mongoose almost resulted in a spew of chia shake all over my keyboard. I was laughing silently, lips clamped together, long and hard enough to make my desk shake.
Is there really a sign at the post office that says you can’t mail puppies? I’ve seen the one saying you can’t mail explosives.
I think it’s time to take them out of the garage and let Ferris Mewler live his best life
I was reading this post in a waiting room and was laughing so hard I was crying. A lady who had sat next to me literally moved. I guess she thought I was crazy, which made me laugh harder!
Oh no, not the garage, the cobra and mongoose would be best mounted in the bedroom above the bed head for your protection.
I like to think the snake and the naked mole rat are buddies and they’re having a hearty laugh at some other forest creature’s expense, but then I’m also just mean-spirited, so there’s that.
I want you to know that THIS is the original post that made me start reading your blog. I can’t believe it’s been 8 years.Thank you for all the laughs and the tears through the years, and I can’t wait to read your next book <3
I would totally forget the cobra I ordered. But I would remember it just in time.
You CAN mail cobras. And rattlesnakes. And mambas. And…BUT the USPS won’t carry live reptiles. You have to use Delta Dash or Fed Ex. We just sent out a rattlesnake to another zoo. They have to be put into a pillowcase or other bag, which is tied in a knot and then zip-tied. Then the bag is put inside another bag and tied. And then zip-tied. And then the bags are put inside a wooden or metal box (with air holes). And then that box is placed inside another box. It’s starting to sound like Yzma in Emperor’s New Groove, but we do NOT mail them back to ourselves. That would defeat the purpose of sending them out to begin with. Anyhoo, the box is sealed shut with screws, and it is marked clearly with “Live Venomous Reptiles.”
And then I realize no one actually ASKED me how to mail a venomous reptile, and I show myself out.
OMG I am laughing so hard I have tears streaming down my face! Thank you so much, I need this today.
Give Victor due credit for Rikki-Tikki-Tavi recognition. And make him admit where he put it or you’ll buy another one.
This is the funniest thing ever!
I found your blog in the fall of 2011, and somehow missed this. Back then, if I needed a laugh and was all caught up on your blog, I’d go to the archives, but I don’t think I’ve seen this. HILARIOUS!
I hadn’t seen this before but OMG I love it. This is the funniest thing I’ve read all day.
Which isn’t really saying much since I just got up half an hour ago to stumble blindly into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee.
Am I the only person admiring all your cute and funky things and thinking it must be hell to dust at your house? Or is this just what 50 looks like?
I also need to know what happened to this! Is it still in the garage?
Also, for Janet, above, who was looking to possibly rent a Mongoose – Mongoose is a brand of bicycle, so perhaps you can find one at a bike rental place someday!
Oddly, this is the second mounted cobra vs. mongoose battle scene I have seen. Years ago, I wandered into the conference room of our shared office and saw a very similar gem just chilling on a shelf. Apparently, it was a wedding gift to one of the doctors in the practice and his wife forbade him from keeping it in the house. He brought it in to work, like you do, since nothing that majestic should ever be in a dumpster.
“Here’s the cobra you ordered. Dumb-ass”? Tears. Streaming. Down. MY. Face.
OMG I have found my new best friend! I have never laughed so hard and long with tears streaming down my face. I thought I was going to end up needing oxygen!
I had forgotten just how much you make me laugh. I thought I was going to pee my pants.