Not all mermaids all disney-like.

If all is going as planned I’m in Japan right now so while I’m away I’m sharing some of the most viewed posts of the last 12 years.  This one was from 2014.  And I still have my lovely fiji mermaid…

It takes a lot to faze me.  Consider me fazed.

So, I get weird shit in the mail all the time because I have readers who know me and who see weird shit and automatically think of me.  I’d like to think that’s a compliment.  Last week someone sent me a severed hand on a stick.  I’ve gotten scrotums and cobras and a box of dead hamster and books on Victorian venereal diseases and old taxidermy manuals and each time I think “My God, I’ve found my tribe” and Victor thinks “Is it too late to divorce her?”  And the answer to both of these is a resounding “Oh, hell yes“.

And today I opened a box from a reader (Stefano) who I once met at a reading.  He is lovely and Italian and he found this in a small shop in New York and thought I needed to have it because his wife was afraid it was going to eat their faces off while they slept.

She has a point, Stefano.

Hi. You're never going to sleep again.
Hi. You’re never going to sleep again.

Hang on.  I’m shrinking down more pictures.  You need to see the rest of this but it’s publishing slowly.  Probably because this creature is busy eating your computer screen so it can get to you.  Just saying.

More coming…

Photo #2 for everyone going “WHAT IS THAT?”.  It’s a mermaid, you guys.  Obviously.

Like Sea Monkeys if they were on steroids and wanted to eat you.
Like Sea Monkeys, if they were on steroids and then you forgot to feed them and then they crawled out of their tank and wanted to eat you.

It would be easier to say that this terror doesn’t belong in my house, except that it fits perfectly between the insect funeral scenes and the dead mice playing musical instruments.

I didn't even add a filter here. It exudes it's own filter.
I didn’t even add a filter here. It exudes it’s own filter.
It looks shocked. It might be mocking me.
It looks shocked. Or it might be mocking me.  Frankly, everyone in the house looks a lot like this at the moment.

There’s grass and stuff in its mouth and I want to take it out but I’m pretty sure that’s a trick to get you to feed yourself to it.  Not falling for it, mermaid.

Regardless, the bar has been set, people.

Stefano, my hat is off to you.  Also, please clean out a spare bedroom as we will be sleeping at your house until we have ours blessed by a priest.  A young one and an old one.

PS.  Someone asked what the cats think of it.  Ferris Mewler is hidden in a cupboard.  Hunter S. Thomcat is keeping an eye on the situation.

He'll never eat fish again.
He’ll never eat fish again.

45 thoughts on “Not all mermaids all disney-like.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I…….I…. That is some weirdass shit, right there.

    I’m sorry, that’s all I’ve got. Glad to see that Hunter is on the ball, Have he and Ferris adjusted to it? I mean, like, no trying to eat any residual organic matter, or anything like that?


  2. This mermaid is legitimately the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen, and bear in mind I watched every episode of The O.C.

  3. Find “Trilogy of Terror” on youTube starring Karen Black. Watch the 3rd vignette. You will find that it reminds you a lot of this creature. Do not put it in the stove. I know this is an older post so I hope it’s not too late. Otherwise, well done Stefano!

  4. I love you and everyone who follows you, reads your blog posts, comments on your blog posts, everything. It is such an amazing and inspirational group of people. And this post is epic, lol.

  5. I am new to your blog so I am totally delighted to read the blogs you are resending. Mercy! How you help me. Read all your books and am slowly colouring « You are Here ». Hope your trip is full joy.

  6. I choked and spit my breakfast all over when I saw this thing. I was SO not ready for that level of weirdness! I should’ve heeded the warning signs. 😳

  7. I love her! I feel like she could make a great guardian for a household provided you make sure to feed her (only using people that deserve it, of course!)

  8. This is just….I mean, just the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen. Like horror story weird, not Silence of the Lambs weird but just, oh god I have no words….
    You’ve done it again Jenny, you’ve managed to leave me speechless and that’s not easy to do mind you!

  9. With all the stuff your readers have sent, you will definitely have decor to spare for the bookstore. I hope to see this one greeting people on the way in.

  10. Oh, my God! The horror!! Run away quick with everyone in your house! It is a demon that will sneakily consume you, and you all will become podmermen, podmermaids, podmercats, and a podmerdog! Don’t delay! I mean, of course, after you get home from (Japan!).

  11. This is the very best thing I’ve ever seen. Ever. In this life and any other one I’ve ever had. Do you ever find it in a different location in the house? 😮 And where do people send these treasures? A PO Box in a Catholic church nearby, just in case?

  12. I think you should forward this to Guillermo del Toro and Stephen King. They need new horror ideas! And, if they don’t already know about you, the three of you need to exchange contact information!

  13. I’m impressed you didn’t have to move in with Stefano. That is one of the more terrifying things I’ve seen. Incidentally- I didn’t plan on reading the phrase,” It fits perfectly between the insect funeral scenes and the dead mice playing instruments” but it was exactly what I needed.

  14. You definitely need to read Mira Grant’s “Into the Drowning Deep”. That would fit right into that book.

  15. A similar Figi Mermaid used to hang in the Little Curiosity Shop in Seattle! Next to the mummies and the piece of rice with the lord’s prayer written on it. Not sure if it is still there-the waterfront has changed lots over the past few years, but if you get a chance it is worth the trip. Plus we’d love to see you up here!

  16. As a priest (a relatively young one), I’m curious if you ever got your house blessed or the mermaid exorcised?

  17. Hope you are having an AWESOME time
    Go to the robot restaurant & send us other tips on where to go & what to see! My son is flying there to visit friends the end of July as a graduation present!

  18. I’m fairly certain this just stopped showing up in my dreams from last time and now it’s back. I love how you make the horrifying to approachable. I always want to turn away, but you not only look, you take it into your home. It’s a lesson to me. 🙂

  19. How did I miss the original post?? THIS IS AWESOME. And by awesome, I mean I want it and it will totally haunt my dreams. Also, I keep getting the feeling that she and Copernicus would make a lovely couple.

  20. I forgot to post the other day that “Please standby for a demonstration of relevancy” is the single best demonstration of the power of the internet.
    I read that, imaging you hitting Send, Jose rolling his eyes at the stupid bitch, and their IT department suddenly screaming “HOLY SHIT WE ARE UNDER ATTACK” until their whole system crashes and takes down the lights too. And Jose sits trembling in the dark…

    I assume you’re aware that the Demonstration of Relevancy made it into the news feed of the PR industry? Mostly as a ‘how not to PR’ and ‘how to not internet.’

  21. Wow! That’s a fricking Fiji Mermaid! PT Barnum came up with them back in the day and had them in his sideshows. The front half is more than likely a mummified monkey attached to some sort of fish.

  22. HEB now offers Mermaid ice cream.
    It boasts “sweet teal glitter swirls.”
    I thought that was the most horrifying mermaid thing anyone could possibly dream up.
    So thank you for this reminder of something even worse!

  23. YOUR HOUSE MUST BE HUGE, because you seem to have a number of strange and oddly beautiful things displayed in it. I never thought I would live to see the day when I would open my email and see a mermaid skeleton. I am humbled by your taste in art.

  24. Actually it kind of reminds me of Groot and since I love most things marvel its kinda cute…

  25. I’m pretty sure I saw that on an episode of the X-Files…

  26. This is equally terrifying and mesmerizing. Also, I may need to have my phone blessed. I am sure there is some weeping angles shit going on (that which holds the image of a creepy ass mermaid becomes the mermaid).

  27. It’s weird because I totally started off reading this and was terrified.

    By the end of it, I’m entranced and kind of in love with it?

    Which I think means that it can curse people through photographs.

  28. After I saw this post in 2014, I immediately went about trying to find this for myself.

    And I did. The exact same one.

    She lives in my office.

    I named her Rapunzel.

    I love her!

  29. Want to Join the family of real mermaid, You can actually become a real mermaid instead of buying or wearing of artificial mermaid tale. You can get a spell or wear a ring that can turn you into a mermaid at anytime you want to. contact email: joinmermaidfamily @ gmail . com You can explain to us how you want it, our child Melissa is a real mermaid and we have a huge family of real mermaid.

  30. I’m happy i finally got the right spell caster that gave me the powerful magic ring that can turn me into mermaid any time i want to. I just say a word to the ring and i poses a real tail and do not have to wear a plastic tail to look like one. Over 3 months of joining the real mermaid family things have become very easy for me, i have automatically become a good swimmer, anytime i need money i just read the mermaid book given to me by them and do the needful rictuals. I’m benefiting a lot as part of the mermaid family, i’m not suppose to share the contact but we all have to help save and protect the ocean. Note: please do not contact Mother if you are not up to 18 years and another thing is that she is always busy and don’t like disturb after she gives you instructions. Here is the real mermaid and merman spell contact: joinmermaidfamily @ gmail . com

  31. Mermaid spell offers magic ring that can turn ones leg into real fish tail of mermaid. I got one for my self after i joined the family of mermaid, the ring is also blessed by the gods of the ocean with good lucks, money and power to protect. Once you say a world to the ring and then touch water it transform into a real mermaid tail and i can choose the color of my tail. Mermaid email is: joinmermaidfamily @ gmail . com i consider myself the most lucky person in the world to have one. Now i can transform myself to half siren 25% and 25% mermaid. You can contest in the American ongoing got talents show.

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