I should make people sign an acknowledgement before they come in the house.

So the exterminator came over and asked to use the bathroom and I was like, “Sure” and then I heard him yelling and assumed he was yelling at someone on the phone in the bathroom but he was getting more upset and then I realized he was yelling, “I SAID, THERE’S SOMEONE IN HERE” in a really panicked sort of way and that’s when I realized that Ferris Mewler was mad that someone was peeing without him and was doing that thing he does where he tries to open the bathroom door and if it’s locked he hangs on it and aggressively stomps on the door jamb so it sounds like a maniac is pounding at the door while trying to force the door knob and I was like, “SORRY, HE DOESN’T SPEAK ENGLISH OR HAVE PERSONAL BOUNDARIES” and I realized that he would never believe that a cat could open doorknobs while pounding on the door so I took a picture and then I thought it was probably even weirder that he could hear someone trying to break the door down while someone else took pictures and that’s why I have to hire a new exterminator.

106 thoughts on “I should make people sign an acknowledgement before they come in the house.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. OMG – I hope you showed him the pictures. That will be his best work story ever! And is Ferris laughing in that last shot?

  2. Hahahah!!! I had a horrible PTSD nightmare last night and was crying and shaking for hours. Really needed to hear about Ferris’s mischief. That poor exterminator, though! LOL

  3. I don’t think Ferris is laughing, I think he’s saying, “Moo-ooooooom, someone locked the door!!”

  4. OMG that MADE my day! I have 4 daughters, and one Furaughter, and my 5 ladies havent let me close the bathroom door in 12yrs! Thank goodness my youngest, (3yrs old, not furry) is loosening up on my potty parole. Coraline, my 8 month old hairy demi-goddess, whines, pounds, and full on extended reaches under the door. My hubby takes advantage of that every morning while shaving.

  5. LOL! Our cat’s too lazy to go for the door knob, she lies on the floor and paws relentlessly under the door trying to paw it open.

  6. I am a little alarmed an exterminator would come into your house and poop. how rude.

  7. German houses have door handles like that. We had a cat that figured them out and we had to ‘double lock’ the door. (We learned this when we came home from school one day to the door wide open…fortunately a good neighborhood.) We warned the student teacher we had one fall to make sure she double locked the door when she went out (not just pull it shut). Halloween she went out (we stayed home) and when she came home (late) the door was hanging open and she had to chase another cat (not ours) out. Just be glad your front door knobs are different. 🙂

  8. I sent this link to my son who loves cats. I mentioned that you have great names for your pets. Autocorrect changed “pets” to “peers.” Sometimes autocorrect knows things.

  9. Hahahaha wheeze wheeze Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had in a long time! Ferris, you rascal you!

  10. OMG Ferris, give the guests a break! Also, stay real. I love you Ferris!

  11. We have to park a vacuum outside our bedroom door, or one of our cats does this same exact thing with the doorknob and another of our cats scratches angrily at the bottom of the door while the third cat cries pathetically. It’s the only time they agree on anything.

  12. Good job, Ferris Mewler!! The exterminator might have been stealing the towels!!

  13. Bahahahahaha. You made me giggle and reminded me of my kitties (Babycat and Cole Kitten).

    Brilliant. Just brilliant.

  14. my cat Harry has learned how to open the closet door. he slams against a closed door with his body. he screams if you’ve somehow locked him out of the bathroom.

    I =dread= the day he learns how to open doors.

  15. This is why I am glad I have knobs and not handles. My cat tries to open doors too. He can’t quite twist the round knob. But if we had handles, we’d never pee alone!


  16. Hysterical! My cat also opens the door when I’m in the bathroom. She only does t to me! And then my family yells at me for not closing the bathroom door. 🥴🙄

  17. My husband and I are literally laughing/crying while reading this. Everyday there is something new with our cats. We’re so relieved that it happens too others as well!

  18. Your first sentence makes it seem like the exterminator came to your house specifically to use your bathroom.

    Also, I should know better than to try to drink anything while reading your blog.

  19. My cats have learned that the lock on the bathroom door doesn’t work, and I have to warn houseguests that even if they lock the door, they may be joined by a cat or two. They don’t mess with the doorknob, they just push on the door and it opens.

  20. I have a 12 pound monster boss rescue cat. Shortly after we got Kirby I came downstairs to find that he’d opened the cabinet door and knocked most of our wine glasses onto the quartz countertop. So shiny. Next into the cabinet under the sink to paw through the trash. So child safety latches on all cabinets. Safe right? Nope. Our French door has lever handle so he set our other 2 cats and 3 dogs free. He’s giving me stink eye as I write this. Pray for me.

  21. oh thank you for this, i desperately needed a laugh today and you and ferris mewler have given me exactly what i need.

  22. Bahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! Oh my GOD, you are hilarious. I wish I lived next door to you!

  23. I think Ferris Mewler should be the Grand Marshall of the next when ever it is Ferris Bueller anniversary parade (2021 marks 35 years since the movie came out, I think – I’m bad at math!) in Chicago. From the look of him, he’d rock “Twist and Shout” and win over the grumpiest Chicago cop – while trying to break in to the squad car.

  24. My dad’s house used to have a door to the guest bathroom directly in line with the front door. One day, I was sitting there minding my own business when in walked Molly, the dog. Great. Next in the door was my dad who just laughed and said, “I’ll bet you didn’t want her to open that, did you?” and closed the door.

  25. Thank you. Having a very rough day and depression is winning. My cat is literally the only living creature allowed near me today. This just made my day. And it’s making me think of the scene from your book.

  26. Well, my husband lost his job today and we are pretty terrified about the future and then I read this and laughter IS the best medicine. I needed that story…THANK YOU !!!!

  27. So funny, thank you so much for the laugh. I needed that today. Looking forward to your new book too!

  28. Oh man!!! I have tears of laughter pouring down my face from reading this and the pictures are priceless!!! gigglesnort!

  29. You make me pee myself laugh on some of your posts I swear! This one is so great! You’re the best!

  30. That made me lol, which is unfortunate as it’s 2.20am here and the rest of the house is asleep. I’m trying to keep very still and not deteriorate into uncontrollable giggles, because I think the bed shaking laugh already disturbed my partner.

  31. Been there! Our Frankie can open doors, especially to the basement where the mice & bats hang out. So far, no bodies upstairs…

  32. My dog does this to me on a regular basis. He can also let himself out of the house if he wants too. It’s very fucking annoying. Pets are such a blessing!

  33. It’s a Cat-Law: Humans must never be left alone in the tiled room, ESPECIALLY if they sit on that big flushy thing that might suck them down into the Wet Hell of Doom! Only proper supervision by a certified FurPurrson will keep them safe. Don’t let your Human get sucked down!

  34. I love ALL your animals and Ferris holds an extra special spot in my heart! 😂😂😂

  35. My cats went with me for a year of work in Okinawa. The floor was hollow underneath and Pounce de Leone running around at night sounded like a horse. So I put him in the bathroom. It took him 30 seconds to open the door with a leaver opener like yours. I had to put the good cat in there who never figured it out

    Sent from my iPhone


  36. I just blew my bubble gum on to my monitor, I laughed so hard. I needed that so much! Can not wait to come to the bookstore!

  37. That last picture! While I understand not all people welcome animals in the bathroom while they do their business, I personally would be delighted to have a customer’s cat waltzing into the bathroom while I’m in there. I mean, I’d probably want to be able to close the door immediately so no human saw me sitting on the toilet, but cats are totally allowed.

  38. I had a Siamese who could open doors, and cupboards…its amazing she didnt end up very fat as she would help herself to the cat food in the cupboard….but wanting to get into to watch someone pee, thats next level fetishism for a cat. Perhaps therapy?

  39. Doesn’t Ferris ever get a day off?

    I’m Bobby but am incapable of putting my name where I’m sposta.

  40. The things we get used to as cat owners. One of ours likes to walk around at night wailing in a voice that sounds like a small girl screaming “Oh no!” We’ve learned to ignore it, and often forget to warn people when they sleep over. Oops.

  41. I am sure the Bug Man was thinking…I have seen porn movies that start like this

  42. Hahaha….. we used to have a Siamese who would run ahead of you when you went to the bathroom so he could use the toilet first, and then he’d flush! He also opened doors, and like a good Siamese cat, he would jump up on your shoulders and prowl back and forth across them. At night he would go to the top of the stairs and yell Merowww down the stairs so it would echo. Siamese cats used to walk the top of the walls to guard the palace in Siam and jump onto the shoulders of intruders. My cats would never let me use the bathroom in peace, and they would grab the doorknob and swing back and forth and push on the door frame until it opened. The dogs would just pace back and forth and whine Or lay down and look bereft until you came out. You’ve got to love those fur babies!

  43. My sisters dog had a passion for panties. A real pervert dog. If he was ever allowed in the bathroom, he would see those panties, and try to chew them off your ass. Somehow we forgot to mention this fun tidbit at new roomate orientation and when our new roomate moved in, we followed the screams into the bathroom to find our new roomy with one leg in her panties and the dogs head blooming out of the other hole. You should have seen the wild look of accomplishment on his face.

  44. LOL – almost wet myself laughing – my cats absolute will not let me go to the bathroom alone.

  45. My cat Taliesin doesn’t leave me alone in the bathroom or any room with a shut door. I leave the door open because he will scratch non-stop on it. I tell people to shut the bathroom door all the way or to expect company.

  46. This is a dog story but in a similar vein. My friend’s mom has a windowless bathroom. If anyone shuts the door to the bathroom when you are using it, you will have a great dane waiting for you outside the door. When my friend visits and brings her 2 dogs, there are 3 dogs lined up. Then there was the time when 2 chihuahuas were being babysat…you guessed it, there were 2 chihuahuas and a great dane ready for my friend to return to them.

  47. Our cat, Jimmy, does that. We had to change our doorknobs to round ones so he would quit 1) opening all closed doors and 2) incessantly rattling the handles of any locked doors until someone gave up and unlocked the door for him. Now only the closet has a handle he can open. We can tell Jimmy was frustrated if the closet door is randomly open.

  48. Our bathroom has two doors – one to the bedroom and one to the kitchen. And if you block either door, our dog will stand there and howl his misery to the sky. So we’ve given up, and if there are no guests we leave both doors wide open. He’ll come through at least once every time you’re in there, just checking to make sure you’re breathing? I guess? sigh

  49. My old cat taught the younger cat how to open the pocket door into the bathroom. So, when I get out of the shower, the hot air has all been released, anyone in the kitchen can look in, and both cats stand on the toilet staring at me.

    Your exterminator will understand. It happens everywhere.

  50. Cats are so smart! My aunt’s cat couldn’t open doors but once when my mother and aunt were at their neighbors house, the doorbell rang. The cat had jumped on the mailbox and was pawing at the bell! Even funnier was that when the neighbor opened the door, she said, oh, it’s just the cat, like it was the most normal thing ever

  51. Hysterical, but it’s an easy two-word fix.
    Round. Doorknobs.
    You’re welcome!

  52. My dog can open cabinet doors by bouncing her nose against it and then sticking her nose in quickly. Especially her treat cabinet (why, yes my dog does have her own cabinet). I have not been in the bathroom by myself for seventeen years – Abby has to make sure that there are no bad guys in there! After all, I watch her pee while walking her – maybe she thinks that it is a human bonding thing!

  53. First saw this on Instagram – perfect timing. Much needed silliness.
    Now reading on the blog, the context makes it even better!!
    Ferris Mewler, you’re my hero!

    I miss having pets. It’s been 15 years and they still have me trained to leave the bathroom door open unless there’s company in the house.

  54. I’m laughing so hard. My cat Angel wiggles the doorknob or shoves his front legs under the door. Obviously he needs lessons from Ferris Mewler.

  55. That is pure KARMA right there! A REAL professional would have taken care of all his bodily functions BEFORE showing up to a job! I have heard COUNTLESS stories from friends & neighbors of how a stranger used their bathrooms & stole medications! Next time, if someone asks to use your bathroom, send them down to the nearest gas station!

  56. AHAHAHA!!! Love this. My cat used to hook her paw under the door and make it shake. It seemed as if a poltergeist was trying to break through the door. Amazing the force a 12 pound ball of fur can generate.

  57. I haven’t used the bathroom at home alone in years due to cats. I have explained to Zelda (my current overlady) that I don’t bother her when she does her business so why can’t she return the favor but you know cats. I adore her, but she can be a pest sometimes!

  58. My cat does this too and I have to warn anyone who uses our bathroom. No one can pee unsupervised.

  59. My main cat, Charlie, has learned how to grab hold of the door handle and jiggle the thumb latch until the door obligingly swings open into the attached shed. He then lets himself out. so much for locking the cat door at night. Now we hook the door, but Im sure sooner or later he’ll figure out how to grow a foot longer and reach that, too…sigh.

  60. One of our cats wakes me up at about 2 or 3 in the morning so I will go to the bathroom with him. He plays with my pajama strings while I do my thing, gets a chin scratch after I turn the light off and open the door, and then disappears into the darkness.
    This is a much better alternative to what he used to do: sit on my chest and meow incessantly all night long. The bathroom trip is a compromise. 😂

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