Honestly, I’m surprised it’s taken me this long to get a 12 foot skeleton because shit like this is kind of made for me.

in Random Crap

If you are halloween-obsessed like I am you probably already know that Home Depot makes this 12 foot tall skeleton that always sells out immediately so when I saw that they opened up preorders a few months ago I immediately ordered one and then promptly forgot about it again until a 100 pound box was lugged to my door by two men who looked very impressed with my order or very impressed with the fact that they weren’t married to me.

Victor was a little overwhelmed but I figured I could do most of the assembly myself by using the skeleton song (“The arm bone’s connected to the…hand bone!”) but this was more complicated so instead I ended up singing “The leg bone’s connected to the…other leg bone. But first you connect it to the…metal thingie. Wait, no, I think I used the wrong…metal thingie. Why are there so many…metal thingies? Why do the arm bones look like…leg bones?” And then Victor was like, “Stop singing or I’ll kill you”” which felt aggressive, but in his defense the song was surprisingly unhelpful and also this was a jigsaw puzzle he never wanted to be involved with:

He was a bit grumpy but tried to stay in good spirits. For example, he found this humerus.

(I think this actually might be a femur but that’s not as funny. Sorry.)

Here is where I would put a time-lapse video of us putting the skeleton up on the porch but I had to keep turning off the camera to look for building tutorials because we misplaced the directions, but if you had been here you would have seen the skeleton bent over it’s box while I pushed its pelvis with mine to lock the ribs in place, which looked very much like I was shooting a doggy-style skeleton p0rn as two different sets of neighbors drove by. They did not wave. I told Victor that if I was shooting a skeleton p0rn I’d call it “BONED” and he just sort of stared at me, which is fair because that’s pretty lazy writing now that I think about it.

Nonetheless, we persevered.

I decided to name her Bone Crawford but now I’m leaning toward Scary Connick Junior so please help me make my mind up.

Her power source is in her pelvis (a slightly more poetic p0rn title) so I had to climb up and shove a bunch of C batteries in her butthole and then to turn him on you have to push him in the butthole and OMG THIS SKELETON EROTICA WRITES ITSELF.

In the end (also a valid title) it was totally worth it…

…although, when I mentioned how hard it was going to be to take it apart and carry it up to the attic later Victor said, “I’d rather just burn the house down” which is helpful because it falls in line with my plan to keep them up for as long as it takes the Home Owner’s Association to complain. Bone Crawford can carry offer a cornucopia at Thanksgiving, Scary Connick Junior can wear a Santa Hat and brandish a menorah in winter. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.

Close-up of the butt-action:

156 thoughts on “Honestly, I’m surprised it’s taken me this long to get a 12 foot skeleton because shit like this is kind of made for me.”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. From the name and gender switches in the post, I think what you’re really saying is you need a second skeleton. Then they can waltz romantically on your lawn for valentine’s day.

  5. Love this so much! I think Bone Crawford needs to hold a wire coat hanger.

  9. my sister-in-law leaves hers up year round and dresses him up for all the holidays with special clothes she has made for him.

  13. Bone Crawford. And then you could get a giant clothes hanger… “No wire hangers! No wire hangers ever!” Could you broadcast that audio on your porch?

  15. I like Scary Connick, Jr the best. We have about 8 or 9 skeletons now (sadly no 12′ ones) & they have names like John Bone Jovi, Boney Raitt, Harry Bonefonte, Billy Gibbones, Bone-yance, etc. SO many fun name options!!!

  16. We have a house a couple blocks over from us that leaves theirs up year round and just decorates it for whatever reason we are currently in. It has bunny ears at Easter and it’s amazing

  18. I have no preference on names (they are both awesome) but have just figured out another thing I’m going to do when I eventually have my full army of (regular-sized) skeletons: I’m going to line them up, high-kicking like Rockettes. (and of course at some point they will all be climbing the house, trying to get in)

    Did you see the video of the guy who put the top half of his 12-foot skeleton on like a costume and danced in the street?

  20. Geez I need this in my life. But I’m with Victor on the disassembling. Leave her up.

  21. I’m seeing a joint venture between Bone Crawford and Frank the Christmas Gargoyle, or maybe a competition to see who gets the wackiest decorations for each holiday all year long.

  22. There’s a house here that has a metal bike sculpture with a skeleton on the bike and they redecorate it for every season. The basket of the bike recently acquired a skeleton dog, though the skeleton bird on the shoulder for Talk Like a Pirate day was pretty great, too.

  24. I am glad you have it on the porch, my daughter put hers in the yard and the wind blew it over and broke it to pieces. EXPENSIVE LESSON!

  25. I love scary connick jr. I got the skeleton last year. Why haven’t I named it? I also want to leave mine up all year.

  26. I finally ordered mine too! And my yard is barely big enough to fit him.
    Victor sounds like my husband, who’s response to me texting him “guess who just bought a 12ft skeleton! ;D “ was “I hate my life so much right now” which honestly… is not the reaction I was hoping for.
    I’m naming mine skylvester Skallone (no relation)

    Also my vote is for Bone Crawford.

    Ps I’m not looking forward to putting this bad boy together when he gets here on the 24-27.

  27. Bone Crawford!
    And please dress them up for every holiday! I can’t wait to see their Easter bonnet and dress with an Easter basket in hand.
    If she’s a porn star, she needs some giant lingerie, too.

  29. Definitely stick with Bone Crawford. I would love to see her festively decorated for all the holidays!

  30. Skelly Preston or Skelly Clarkson would have been my pick so I’ll just rock with whatever you decide.

  34. OH I LOVE THIS WAY MORE THAN I HAVE A RIGHT TO. Awesome, truly. And I love Bone Crawford, although I also love Jon Bone Jovi. 😜

  35. I am very tempted to get one of these and dress him up as a tie-dye wearing hippie – the true sense of the word Dead-head! I would then sit him in the middle of our front yard, which would give my husband the excuse he has always needed not to mow the lawn! A win-win! But i would need to find one not from Home Depot for reasons…

  36. (1) It comes with an extra head? Or the little head goes in the big head, like the aliens’ jaws in the Aliens movies?
    (2) Either you are 5’0″, or that thing is at least 13′
    (3) That’s your best crudity (ludity?) in a while

  37. (1) It comes with an extra head? Or the little head goes in the big head, like the aliens’ jaws in the Aliens movies?
    (2) Either you are 5’0″, or that thing is at least 13′ tall
    (3) That’s your best crudity (ludity?) in a while

    (The larger head is already a staple part of our decor. We have a type. A weird type. ~ Jenny)

  38. Scary Connick Jr’s namesake is a much better person, and would be much more fun to have show up on your porch in life.

  41. This post made me so happy, and I thank you. Also, I like Bone Crawford. A joyous Halloween season to you.

  42. Scary Connick Junior is my vote, even though Bone Crawford is probably more skeleton-appropriate.

  44. I found a house nearby that has 2 of them flanking their driveway. Mercifully it was daylight or I might have driven into a ditch with those eyes looking at me.

  45. Bone Crawford, and like one of the commenters above, I think she needs a handful of wire hangers.

    Also, is there any way you and your friend M’lynn (probably spelled wrong) could move her one night so her light-up eyes would look in your bedroom window. You know, for Victor, of course!

  46. Two of my neighbors have these skeletons and they leave them up most of the year! They add seasonal outfits, it’s quite awesome because we never know what the skeletons are going to be up to! Apparently there is a Facebook group dedicated to these big skeletons so if you need ideas for Bone Crawford/Scary Connick Jr you should check them out.

  48. Bone Crawford! Does she have a glowing pelvis or is there a house light behind her?

  49. Bone Crawford. Not that Scary Connick, Jr, isn’t a great name. It is. It just doesn’t suit this particular skeleton. Scary needs to be able to play the piano. And thank you so much for buying one of these because of course my Hallowe’en soul really wants one but it’s way too big for my house. (Altho I don’t have an HOA and most of my neighbors already just roll their eyes at my purple (lavender grey) house and flamingos.) Anyway, thanks for letting me enjoy the giant skeleton pics & video without actually getting one myself.

  51. My friend in SC has one named Billy Bob Bones. She keeps him on display year round and changes his outfits to match the season. He wears a mens 3x t-shirt, in case you’re wondering.

  52. Do you know if it’s a male or female skeleton? That might be the deciding factor on whether to name it Bone Crawford or Scary Connick Junior!

  53. I won’t lie, I think we are all shocked it took you think long to get a 12′ skeleton. 😉

  54. I just saw 2 of these flanking a front door in my neighborhood. One was nekkid like yours but the other one was dressed in a filmy fabric that made me think of a shroud that will move in the breeze and had her/his head wrapped in the same fabric. It looked awesome, very scary. I bet those people had the wrapped one from last year. These same people have a funeral carriage pulled by a skeleton house with a skeleton driver wearing a black top hat. They have the best Halloween decor.

  59. If you totally change its look from month to month, maybe you can tell you homeowners association that it’s a different skeleton. Someone needs to make clothes and accessories for this giant beaty with the split gender personality!

  60. Napoleon BONE-apart? But I guess that would have been before you put him/her/it together, right? Love this and you should never, ever take it down. BTW, where’s the giant metal chicken?

  62. I vote for Bone Crawford. Jenny Lawson, once again you leave me in giggles. You’re the best.

  63. Pingback: Honestly, I’m surprised it’s taken me this long to get a 12 foot skeleton because shit like this is kind of made for me.

  69. Fantastic! But how about Scary Potter? Scary Poppins? Meryl Shriek? Grace Skelly? Oh, okay, Bone Crawford then.

  70. Everything about this is awesome, but I may have squeed loudly when I realized the eyes blinked! THAT IS SO COOL. I do not need a skeleton for my yard. I do not need a skeleton for my yard. I do not have the energy to put up the decor I do have for my yard.

  71. Definitely Bone Crawford. It has the vintage ring and there’s no risk of Harry suing for defamation.

  72. I was a nurse-educator for the operating room before I retired. My predecessor left a human-sized skeleton in the office, and I dressed him/her/them up monthly. Folks stopped by early every month ‘just to say Hi’, but really to see whether I’d keep it up or get tired of doing it. It never got old . . .

  73. Wait….there are TWO SKULLS in that first pic. Did you buy two of them?

    (Weirdly, I already owned one giant skull that just lives there year-round. ~ Jenny)

  74. A person in my neighborhood put one up last year and left it for Christmas dressed in a full Santa suit. It was awesome

  77. Surely there is a forensic anthropologist amongst us, your dutiful followers, who can look at that butt hole (pelvis) and confirm for sure the gender. But I do like Bone Crawford. We B*tches gotta stick together!

  78. You make me laugh so hard! Everyone thinks I am crazy. Thank you for making my day.

  79. My neighbors keep their skeletons up all year and decorate them for every holiday! My favorite is when the wear sombreros for Cinco de Mayo.

  80. Bone Crawford. And stick a giant wire hanger in her hand. (No, I don’t know where you’re gonna find one of those).

  81. We have two of them and leave them up through all the major holidays. If you google 12 foot skeleton Santa hat, there’s an awesome hat and scarf set that fits perfectly.

    Also looks great with a spotlight pointed up. Solar or LED where you can choose a color. Blue/purple ish is super creepy.

    For storage, Amazon sells storage bags for a 9 foot Christmas tree that fits all the pieces perfectly! It’s only $16.

  82. Honestly, now I’m a little disappointed that Scary Connick Junior wasn’t able to be in Hailey’s prom photos … do you think they and their partner would be game to get dressed up and recreate their photos with him? I mean SCJ would look amazing wrapped in floral bunting and wearing a giant top hat …

  83. If you end up putting anything on that pelvic “shelf” that’s even the least bit phallic, I might lose it (and so might Victor).

  84. The people down the street from me have a 12 ft skeleton AND 2 skeleton dogs the giant skel can hold onto. I will try to send you a picture but I’m fairly useless with that type of technology.

  86. I’m #Team Crawford. I just wish you had it in video when you shoved the batteries up her butt. Not that I’m into that. I’ll just show myself out now.

  87. Nevermind the skeleton, I can’t get over how beautiful your house is. It’s a perfect companion for Bone Crawford.

  90. Bone Crawford is good, but if you got another one and a giant piano you could have Scary Connick Jr and Bony Bennett

  91. I’m leaning towards Jr., but it is way more syllables, so maybe not. Personally, I’d leave it up, but I live in a small apartment with too small a balcony and without an HOA, so my advice is purely speculative.

  93. Even as a horny teenager, and all the (many) years since (decades, actually), the concept of skeleton erotica had never occurred to me. I am totally using this to prove to my wife that I in fact do not have an over-active imagination.

  94. Bone Crawford- also, this is how it starts. The Haunted Housel (not a typo) in Canandaigua NY started with a few small skeletons in someone’s yard…. then they grew… and multipled… and occasionally resurrect some dinosaurs. If you’re not careful, next thing you know you’ll have a boneyard tea party and half a dozen skeletons trying to carjack you.

  97. Someone in my town has Kade a Grateful Dead top.hat for the one waving over their backyard fence.

  98. You know, you could have ordered one from a medical supply store. They come already put together! Other than that, I don’t have an opinion on which name to use. I just would have called it Bob the Skeleton. Bob’s a good name. Only three letter and it’s spelled the same backwards and forwards. My car is named Bob.

  100. I have neighbors who hung up ghosts on their property last Halloween and instead of taking them down they have held little paper turkeys, worn Santa hats with Christmas lights, had little green bow ties, and even held pride flags during June.

  101. OMG – Scary Connick Junior! I barked out the kind of laugh that makes my husband stick his finger in his ear & wiggle it

  102. You so need another one for the other side then you can have his and hers. One can be santa one can be mrs claws. For Valentine’s Day they can go on a date. Possibilities are endless

  103. Of the two I refer Bone Crawford, but after the assembly saga I think Pelvis Presley is pretty fitting too!

  109. OMG that’s hilarious.

    Also, cannot wait to see Bone Crawford in a rope of (fake) pearls and a little tiara for New Year’s. 😀

  110. Just wait, it becomes an addiction! 12 foot inferno, 10 foot werewolf, 9 foot reaper, 10 foot soul stealer, hearse, pirate ship, accessories, ect. you get the picture. We need a club for this!

  112. I agree with victor. My husband wants one so bad. And he wants two more regular skeletons. There is no more room

  113. If you think of the Bone in Bone Crawford as a verb…it goes with the porn theme. Just sayin

  114. Definitely Bone Crawford – -and if you take her down, maybe add some eyebrows. LOL.

  115. My husband is also a big Halloween fan, and ordered several movie grade, life sized zombie props for our front yard. One, is a woman wearing a dress, who is kneeling, with a giant hole in her torso and her arm ripped off, with her head thrown back in a scream. Last year, he tried to position a male zombie torso, to make it look like he was biting her, but he slipped, and it looked like he was eating her. We moved states this year, and yesterday, upon my return from the grocery store, I pulled up to see she had blown over on her side, with her skirt over her head, flashing her c00tch to the new neighbors.

  117. Looking at the shape of the pelvis, I think your latest acquisition is a male skeleton. But Scary Connick, Jr. would look great in a dress. Congrats, and Blessed Samhain.

  119. If I could throw in another suggestion: Katharine Hepbone or Hipbone. You’re welcome.

    (CLAPPING SO LOUDLY. ~ Jenny)

  120. You should check out Matt Armendariz (@mattarmendariz) on Instagram if you don’t already. He’s seriously into Halloween and what he and his partner crafted for their two giant skeletons is epic, and I can totally see you being inspired by it!

  121. We have someone in our neighborhood who leaves theirs up till New Years. They have a nice Santa hat and scarf for Christmas. No clue where they found the giant Santa hat!
    Also, Bone Crawford is perfect and is absolutely her name!

  124. On my drive home from work there is a corn field with four of these in it, two of them have jack-o-lantern heads. There’s also a bunch of headstones, and a flying witch. I feel like you would be good friends with the people who live there.

  125. Not a forensic pathologist, but from my voracious reading of such stuff, I’d venture that your skeleton is male. Perhaps Kathy Reichs could weigh in? Great reason to call her, anyway… Maybe Bony Curtis? Leon Graybone?

  126. My husband got his 12 foot skeleton this year too. He’s so happy! We’re slowly building up a cemetery around him, so he can stomp through it like Godzilla.

  127. So awesome!! We had a 9-foot T-Rex a few years ago (from Home Depot too) and the HOA was quiet thru thanksgiving, Xmas, and Valentine’s Day. Easter Bunny caused great offense, she had to go live with a friend.

  128. Welcome Bone Crawford to the 12′ skeleton club! Ours is named Skelly Clarkson and she has a pet skeleton dog named Tommy Lee Bones.

  129. Both names are magnificent, but Bone Crawford is simply *chef’s kiss*! This is a hilariously timed because yesterday I went through my closet and I recoiled at my hubby’s full-time use of wire hangers for some of his clothes with the dry cleaner tags and bags still on those. You 😂

    I LOVE a good theme. That being said I had a goofy Halloween brain wave… what if each Halloween you change their name, and then shift your outdoor Halloween decor around it?

    Example if you go with Bone Crawford you could project the movie “Mommie Dearest” on the side of the house (that is if you have a projector).

    As for Bone herself, you could put a wire hanger in one hand and maybe a short brunette bob wavy wig with a white headband on her skull (like what Faye Dunaway wears in the wire hanger scene in “Mommie Dearest”)?

    The final touches could be a large faux fur on her shoulders and maybe a faux cocktail in a martini glass in the other. I have a tendency to go too far… and indeed, I have….

  130. Pingback: Honestly, I'm shocked it is taken me this lengthy to get a 12 foot skeleton as a result of shit like this is more or less made for me.

  131. I bought this for my middle daughter’s birthday. It’s the only thing she asked for now that she is a homeowner. Good luck with that, kid.

  132. Yea, you gotta touch that butthole a little longer for things to work 😉 Please put a glow in the dark owl or something on that pelvic shelf! This skeleton is one scraggy beard and a Lincoln top hat away from being a year round decoration.

  133. Also I noticed that all of your uses of the word “porn” have a zero in place of the O. Is this some manner of pro blogger witchcraft or what?

    (Supposedly it keeps your blog from being classified as an “inappropriate” website if you change the spelling of certain triggering words. No idea if it works or not though. ~ Jenny)

  135. I want to see Bone Crawford wearing all the crocheted outfits – just like the ceramic goose my mom used to have! And you can change what is perched on the pelvic shelf (hahahaha) seasonally!

  136. Wait what is that amazing picture with the white dress in your staircase??

    (It’s a reproduction painting I picked up at a clearance sale a million years ago. ~ Jenny)

  137. That first picture makes it look like it has two heads and a reverse boner. WHY DOES IT HAVE TWO HEADS?!?!
    Yep, this stuff does write itself.

  138. There is a human-sized skeleton in my neighborhood that sits on their front step all year long. It is currently wearing a Broncos jersey.

  139. One of my neighbors got the 12 foot skeleton last year, and kept it up all year long. He has now been joined by a 10 foot werewolf! I can’t wait to see that wolfie with bunny ears and an easter basket.

  144. A friend of mine has one in their yard named Boney Danza. Boney is up all year ’round too!

  146. We have one of these fellows in our neighborhood that has been dressed for every single holiday, including Saint Patricks day.

  148. Sorry to be a bummer but I can’t help but thinking about you two having to take her apart and put her back together every year when the HOA says “uh, NO.”

  150. I’d say there’s a new skeleton erotica in town: “2 Tall 2 Bone” with Bone Crawford!

  152. Put it into a Star Trek costume and call it Dr. Bones McCoy.

    If your HOA complains, just say yes, change its clothes, and tell the HOA it’s a different skeleton 💀.

  153. One year (science teacher overseas) I had a pumpkin in my room for Halloween (not carved. So after Halloween I thought, hey it works for Thanksgiving also, so I put a Happy Thanksgiving note on it (to clear any confusion). Then of course it was “Merry Christmas” and when we came back “Happy New Year”, At that point I was in for the rest of the school year. Changing signs to go with the holidays. I made the comment that I was hoping it would make it to the end of the school year (mid-June). And would it the students make it also? Well…it almost did. Mid-May I had to ‘squeegee’ it off the shelf into the garbage can as it just melted into goo. More power to you and Bone Crawford.

  156. Pingback: Foreign Body: On the 12-Foot Skeleton as Supra-residential Memento Mori – NiCHE

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