If you are halloween-obsessed like I am you probably already know that Home Depot makes this 12 foot tall skeleton that always sells out immediately so when I saw that they opened up preorders a few months ago I immediately ordered one and then promptly forgot about it again until a 100 pound box was lugged to my door by two men who looked very impressed with my order or very impressed with the fact that they weren’t married to me.
Victor was a little overwhelmed but I figured I could do most of the assembly myself by using the skeleton song (“The arm bone’s connected to the…hand bone!”) but this was more complicated so instead I ended up singing “The leg bone’s connected to the…other leg bone. But first you connect it to the…metal thingie. Wait, no, I think I used the wrong…metal thingie. Why are there so many…metal thingies? Why do the arm bones look like…leg bones?” And then Victor was like, “Stop singing or I’ll kill you”” which felt aggressive, but in his defense the song was surprisingly unhelpful and also this was a jigsaw puzzle he never wanted to be involved with:
He was a bit grumpy but tried to stay in good spirits. For example, he found this humerus.
(I think this actually might be a femur but that’s not as funny. Sorry.)
Here is where I would put a time-lapse video of us putting the skeleton up on the porch but I had to keep turning off the camera to look for building tutorials because we misplaced the directions, but if you had been here you would have seen the skeleton bent over it’s box while I pushed its pelvis with mine to lock the ribs in place, which looked very much like I was shooting a doggy-style skeleton p0rn as two different sets of neighbors drove by. They did not wave. I told Victor that if I was shooting a skeleton p0rn I’d call it “BONED” and he just sort of stared at me, which is fair because that’s pretty lazy writing now that I think about it.
Nonetheless, we persevered.
I decided to name her Bone Crawford but now I’m leaning toward Scary Connick Junior so please help me make my mind up.
Her power source is in her pelvis (a slightly more poetic p0rn title) so I had to climb up and shove a bunch of C batteries in her butthole and then to turn him on you have to push him in the butthole and OMG THIS SKELETON EROTICA WRITES ITSELF.
In the end (also a valid title) it was totally worth it…
…although, when I mentioned how hard it was going to be to take it apart and carry it up to the attic later Victor said, “I’d rather just burn the house down” which is helpful because it falls in line with my plan to keep them up for as long as it takes the Home Owner’s Association to complain. Bone Crawford can carry offer a cornucopia at Thanksgiving, Scary Connick Junior can wear a Santa Hat and brandish a menorah in winter. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS.
Close-up of the butt-action: