I don’t even know where my horn is.

Victor and I are currently giving Hailey advice to prepare for their driving test and we have very different ideas on how to deal with intentionally aggressive dickholes on the road. Victor is all for honking at them because “How else will they know that they’re idiots?” but I explained that honking just makes them more angry and it’s much easier to just pull up next to them and point frantically with concern at the back of their car like they maybe have a serial killer hiding in the bed of their trunk or a knife sticking out of their tire so they have to pull over in a parking lot and spend time feeling dumb because they can’t figure out what nonexistent thing I was pointing at and it slows them down enough that I don’t have to deal with them anymore and probably makes them drive a little more carefully for awhile because they’re paranoid that something is going to fall off their car and/or explode. Victor was speechless, but probably just because he was very impressed.

83 thoughts on “I don’t even know where my horn is.

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I don’t know about Victor, but I’m impressed as all hell and will use this technique gleefully on the future.

  2. Thank you so much for a chuckle and a pro tip! Your posts always make me smile when I need it the most.

  3. Haaaa! I love your tactic. I tend toward the smiling-aggressively-without-blinking-while-flipping-them-off-underneath-the-dashboard technique, but I just may have to give yours a try.

  4. LOL, I only honk when somebody is about to hit my car. And hitting the horn really triggers my carpal tunnel pain! so that’s my reason for not using the horn with idiots. I like your solution much better!

  5. Oh shit, that may be the most brilliant move, ever! (Sorry, Victor, but it really is.)

  6. They may be pistol-totin’ idiots, which changes the dynamic of the situation.

  7. While I love your ‘confuse the hell out of the dickhole driver’ tactic I’m siding with Victor on this one. My husband will tell you I’m very pro-horn (even though the horn on my CRV hybrid isn’t the least bit intimidating; more like amusing). But I would also recommend checking the other vehicle for disturbing bumper stickers (like ‘I don’t brake for animals’ or ‘White Jesus loves you’). Then I’m all for frantic motions toward their tailgate ’cause those motherfuckers are crazy.

  8. This is legitimately the best tactic I have ever heard of. If someone did that to me I would be thinking about it for HOURS even after I arrived at my destination…

  9. I’m going to try that next time a Road Rager gets on my case! Thanks for the best idea ever!

  10. GENIUS!! My therapist recently suggested that anytime I feel rage-y from asshole drivers, I should simply look over, lock eyes, frown, and give them a thumbs down. What a lovely, passive-aggressive way to express my utter dismay! LOL

  11. yes, i am sure he was impressed, I do love your answer! I think its probably even better then my Jesus Loves You Sign i flash at them. Because they are clearly devil worshippers and dont appreciate Jesus the way I do. 🙂

  12. Had a guy trying to intimidate me and other drivers riding wheely’s next to our cars then zooming ahead 90 mph only to drop back and do it again. It was very scary going 70 mph…so I called 911. Gave the mile marker and when he zoomed ahead next time, we passed him a few minutes later parked in front of the highway patrol…I’m sure I’m not the only one that honked cheerfully as we drove by.

  13. I am not only impressed, I’m convinced. No more honking–pointing only, from now on.

  14. I just wave really big while smiling and saying hi like it’s my long lost best friend from childhood. They always look so puzzled trying to figure out if they actually know me or not!

  15. Life would be so much easier if all intentionally aggressive dickholes on the road drove pickups. I mean, then we’d know long before they got close enough to fuck with us, and we could simply avoid them. There’d be no need to honk or motion frantically at decoy serial killers.

  16. How about a combination of both with a twist. My mom does, what we now call “The Jane Treatment”. She honks, and while laying on the horn, pulls up beside the douchebag driver and flips them the finger, still laying on the horn. This went over great in the panhandle of Florida, aka the Redneck Riviera, where my folks used to live!

  17. I give them a thumbs down and say bad driving!! It takes most people by surprise and they just gape at me 😂

  18. Now I’m concerned. Because someone once pointed at the back of my car like that. What does that say about me behind the wheel…..?

  19. Ooooohhhhhhhh THAT kind of horn…. Took me far too long to work it out.
    I would suggest a combination of both approaches – honk at them to get their attention and then point frantically. Makes it more urgent and they are gone more quickly.
    Good luck Hailey! Just remember you’ve survived your parents this long, only a little while longer to go 😁😆😆❤️

  20. I do LOVE the idea of weirding out the other driver, but that depends on their ability to interpret hand signals and motioning correctly…and maybe they ALREADY KNOW they’ve got somebody in the back. 😮 Now they’ve got to REALLY deal with you because YOU KNOW about the body in the back. :0
    As an ACTUAL Boston Driver, my advice is to MAKE NO EYE CONTACT with the other drivers. Just keep your hands on the wheel, your eyes forward, and your mouth shut because there are LUNATICS on the road. Remember, Texas has some crazy-ass gun laws and you never know who’s carrying and looking for trouble.
    Be safe, Hailey!

  21. Give them a thumbs down or L for looser. They’ll be very confused 😄

  22. You know how with some things there are the “real” rules that are written down, but then there are the “unwritten” rules everyone follows (think playing monopoly or uno). I think that whole horn thing is a written rule (teach Hailey this for their driving test) but that we should all start following your rules!!

  23. You win for the best response. I laughed so hard. And all of it is so very true. Of course I have no real authority to give you this award. But if I did, you win.

  24. Far better solution than honking. I would drive anywhere with you! It could be like a 3 act play between us flailing and gesturing to the problematic driver. More entertaining for everyone, really. Win/Win!

  25. You are absolutely correct! Sorry Victor. Wasting their time is a far better choice than having to talk with a testosterone-driven male driver! More fun, too!

  26. Because road ragers can be gun toters and there are too many people willing to escalate to dangerous behavior, I only lightly tap my horn if a red light turns green and they are not paying attention, or if their vehicle is drifting into mine to avoid a collision.
    But singing at the top of my lungs and smiling like an idiot with a nod at the other driver confuses the heck out of road ragers and seems to take down their rage a bit.
    Stay safe on the road and give grace to the nut jobs, they’ll get theirs in the next world with perpetual road rage endless loops highways with other crappy drivers, if there is any justice in the afterlife.

  27. I’m all for just singing Lily Allen’s F$@k You while annunciating the chorus but your solution has style and pizzaz,

  28. I leave a note on a cat if the driver is poorly parked. “I hit your car! So sorry! Maybe you should learn how to park.” And then enjoy imagining them looking for the non-existent damage.

  29. I just flick my fingers ( like they’re wet) and enunciate “Unexplainable crotch lice” and then smile evilly.

  30. An Australian podcast had a great idea just pull up beside them and do a thumbs down with a very disappointed face lol however I really like your idea so now I’m torn on which one to use

  31. I like to give bad drivers (and protesters who stand out in front of my local planned parenthood) a big thumbs down. It is not aggressive or angry, it just shows my disappointment.

  32. This reminds of a friend who carried pennies for crossing the street. Cars that didn’t slow for cross walks got pennies thrown toward their undercarriage/ They’d think something was wrong with their car and slow down.

  33. First curse word I ever heard was “cock sucker” from my mom when she was dealing with that. Now she just cursed them by muttering that the cops will pull them over, or, their dicks will fall off

  34. My crippling anxiety makes it impossible for me to drive–I haven’t driven in 20 years–but when I finally learn how to drive (probably on my deathbed somehow) I’m sure there’ll be a lot of aggressive honking.

  35. Victor is often very impressed with you, I think. I think you’re amazing!

  36. OMG!!! WHAT A GREAT IDEA!!!! I drive on a highway that is LOADED with assholes! This is gonna be soooooooo much fun!!!!

  37. I like to tell myself little stories about why people are speeding, swerving, or driving too slow. Things like “he probably has bad diarrhea” or “she took an Ambien instead of a vitamin”. Then I’m laughing too hard to care, plus if they notice me it’s confusing for them. It’s a win win!

  38. Is Victor aware of road rage? And the number of people who carry guns in their car? You DO live in Texas. Your advice is perfect!

  39. @ 45. Pam Kalinec, now I’m wondering where you get the cat and how you convince it to stay around and give the bad parker a note…? ;D
    (Yes, I know that s/b “car” but it’s more fun this way)

  40. I was recently in New York where I noticed that a New Yorker’s preferred form of communication is honking. And I’m sure there’s absolutely no idiots or dickholes driving on the streets of New York. 😉

  41. Alternatively, you could read this book called “How to kill men and get away with it”. I’ve written a review. https://www.darkmatterzine.com/how-to-kill-men-and-get-away-with-it/

    Reading the book avoids the need for murder.

    But a little while ago I spoke to an author, Katherine Kovacic, who wrote “Seven Sisters” who set about to murder the men who murdered their sisters. Her podcast visits are here https://www.darkmatterzine.com/tag/katherine-kovacic/.
    Just in case you want to learn pre-emptive self defence.

    Note: I do not advocate murder. This is all in fun although the books are … well the first I mentioned is a dark comedy. Seven Sisters is revenge fic but feels like a thriller.

  42. I almost spit out my coffee chuckling, but yes, that is the BEST solution EVER!

  43. Actually, this should be a little film for driving class that students should be required to watch. I think you’re onto something.

  44. PAM KALINEC – I totally laughed out loud at your comment because you said “I leave a note on a CAT if the driver is poorly parked…” I totally envisioned a little cat sitting by the car with a note taped to it! 🙂 🙂 🙂

  45. Driving philosophy 101: Slow down and eyes on the road.
    102: Expect the worst in others and be thankful when it doesn’t happen. If they look like they may jump the curb, prepare by thinking of alternatives in your response.
    103: Honk, but only in warning, never is anger because it just might come back to bite you in the ass.

  46. While this is a very clever de-escalation, you’d be surprised at the number of cars on the road whose wheels are teetering on one or two lug nuts. Me screaming, honking & pointing so they Pull Over before getting on the freeway is competing with your technique. Drivers generally don’t believe me and I have to enlist their passenger riding shotgun.
    Always check that your lug nuts are tightened after a tire service or rotation. I now return you to your regularly scheduled Bloggess.

  47. I read the title and was like “where would she have misplaced her unicorn horn?” But this makes sense too.

  48. My brother and I used to handle tailgaters (New England back roads don’t have a lot of passing spaces) if we were doing the speed limit by slowing down further. And even further, if necessary, because as he said, it increased out safety in case they crashed into the back of us. Of course it also infuriated the drivers behind, but that was not mentioned…

  49. I like to smile cheerfully and wave. I also have a message in my window that says “I hope something good happens to you today” if they’re real jerks that “something good” I wish for shamefully sometimes isn’t so good….

  50. Take this advice from old TV therapist show: when you want to vent your rage on the road, do it by improvising a country music song.

    ‘Hey dude / Driving your Corolla / You cut me off / I want to yell-a…’ That would diffuse any rage.

  51. That is perfect! But one has to be careful with making eye contact as it could actually mean a challenge. Here in South Dakota, dickholes carry assault weapons with them to shoot prairie dogs, according to our senior senator John Thune. Unless you something like a Star Trek fazer or raygun then it’s not wise to get into a showdown with an armed dickhole.

  52. I like to give loving peace signs, especially when I’m right and they’re wrong.
    As a small, old, female, I don’t want to provoke anyone I can’t deal with effectively, so I use my Krav Maga avoidance skills, and run away.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: