I joined a gym because my doctor yelled at me but I don’t know how anything works and I’m too intimidated to find out. Yesterday I saw this machine that looked like a stationary bike for giants because it was 4 feet off the ground but then I saw someone using it and turns out it’s basically a stationary bike for your arms. You stand up and put your hands in the pedals and move them in a circular motion like you’re boxing. And it was awesome except that my arms weren’t long enough for the reach and so I kept punching myself in the boobs over and over like my hooters were a speedbag and I was like, “This can’t possibly be good for you” but the gym people always say “no pain, no gain” and so I just kept on punching myself in the tits until I finally noticed that there was a lever that made the arm pedals shorter and I felt both mortified and really proud of myself for figuring it out.
Then another lady came up next to me using the same machine and she started punching herself in the boobs too and after a few minutes I was like, “If you want I can tell you the secret of how not to punch your boobs so hard” and she nodded uncomfortably and looked straight ahead but didn’t take off her earphones or adjust anything so it got weird and now I can never go back to the gym again.