You know when so many coincidental things happen that you start to believe it’s a sign? Because a few days ago my dad texted me about my grandmother (who died when I was 16) and my sister texted me two minutes later asking if I remembered when we asked that same sweet grandma to teach us how to curse in Czechoslovakian? And I did remember because I’d literally just discovered that you can use your microphone to have google translate different languages, and the very first thing I tried was the phrase that our grandmother had taught us, which I’d never been able to translate before because writing Czech is even harder than speaking Czech.
She told us the phrase (which we were never to say in front of anyone else) meant “Oh be quiet, stupid piece of shit” and I always assumed that probably she’d taught a line from the Bible instead because we had no way of knowing the difference, but this is what showed up when I said the phrase into google translate:
Which is actually kinda close? But my grandmother always said that I never rolled my r’s enough so I tried the same phrase again but with more of her accent:
And that seems less accurate, but also like something that would be fun to shout at someone when you’re angry because how do you respond to that? You don’t. You just call the police.
But I tried it once more, this time saying it the way I imagined my grandfather (who had a stronger accent) might say it:
Nailed it.
PS. My sister did the same thing and the translation she got was “mouthful of poop”, which honestly might be the most accurate because our sweet grandmother thought saying dirty words was the equivalent of having a mouthful of poop and she was probably trying to teach us a lesson that took us literally decades to figure out.
She was a very smart woman in any language and I would tell you that in Czech but all my sister and I remember are the curse words because we’re the worst.
You’re the best, you just taught a whole bunch of people new curse words!
Or, you might be the best!
Or you might be the best!
We
My Czech Granny (also from Texas) only taught me sweet words, literally sweet words like kolaches – bread buns with poppy seed filling. And babička – grandma. This post made me miss Granny, but in a good way. Thanks for today’s box of joy!
(Yes! Poppyseed and peach kolaches are my faves! My grandmother also made prune ones, which I did not love. ~ Jenny)
My grandmother was Czech too. The only thing I remember are a few words she used to say to make us laugh. One of them being “krk” which means neck. The fact it has no vowels and the way she said it used to make us double over with laughter. Also “pupik” which is bellybutton. Thanks for the post! Gave me a good trip down memory lane!
Grandmas and grandpas are fonts of wisdom.
Thank you for making me laugh and smile.
My Polish relatives flat out refused to teach me anything cool in Polish. The only words I have retained are names of baked goods and liquor.
I can tell someone to ‘kiss my ass’ in Irish Gaelic, but I can’t spell it to save my life
Great story. My grandmother taught me to roll cigarettes. I was the only eight year old that could roll cigs—with one hand! My Mom’s name was ‘Lucky’ since grandmother smoked Lucky Strikes.
Wendyzski that would be Pogue ma thon. 😂
Oh no, you are the Best hahaha
A friend who spoke Russian taught me some useful phrases when we were in high school. The only one I remember now, decades later, is how to say “Go to hell” in Russian. But as I don’t swear, it hasn’t proven too useful….
In French we say may you have extremely short arms and a very itchy back and no ways to scratch it pig ! And in French is je vous souhaite des très petit bras et des démangesons sur votre dos que vous ne pourrais jamais gratter cochon !
I think Google translate is programmed by children.
Funny story. I was a linguist in the Air Force in the early 1980s (spent some time in San Angelo even), and I learned Czech. I remember a certain amount of the cursing (not this, though), but we were trying to avoid having the kids curse, we we took to saying Jez’is’ Marie (yez-eesh Mar-ieh) when we were frustrated. The kids picked up on that, so picture tiny children exclaiming Jesus and Mary in Czech on the playgrounds of West Texas.
Thank you for today’s lesson. 🙂
I asked one of my friends from India for “swear words” in hindi or telugu. She told me the word for oath.
I could never get the Slovak R rolling.
I don’t know that my grandma swore, anyway. I only remember the cadence of the phrase, “What, you don’t speak English?” if I didn’t immediately obey a “request.”
I love your grandma!!
My adopted grandma (they were our neighbours and they ‘adopted’ us when mum and dad moved in across the road) was Palestinian German of Russian descent (how’s that for internal conflict!!).
I started learning German in Year 7 and still remember my first Christmas when I understood German swear words (lets face it all kids look for the swear words in any language first up!) and I realised how much she swore in German, especially when the lard in the pan spat at her.
“Scheisse” became my favourite swear word because of her. That and “shizen housen”. God bless our Grandmas!
New phrase to pull when faced with an awkward social situation. I love it!!!
In the hands of the immature, Google translate is a powerful weapon for good.
My great grandmother taught me how to say pig fart in Danish. I love her for that!
I in no way wish to detract from the majestic beauty of “what are you waiting for fish poo?” but I thought to put ‘be quiet’ into the Google Translate for English to Czech and it gave Buď zticha which sounds probably a lot like what you were saying but with a little bit of a ‘t’ sound in there? Grandmas are the greatest.
Ugh, not to rain on your parade, Jenny, but none of these phrases is right – I would be curious to know what your grandma REALLY used to say, because these don’t make any sense, sorry 😅 I mean, the words exist all right, they just don’t go together like this… Anyway, the good news is that it doesn’t matter, because most people wouldn’t know, so if you say it with enough conviction in your voice, it will sound impressive no matter what!
Aaaand now I have to try this with the minimal Polish that my parents would curse me with….dupa roni plushkee?
Well, there’s your answer, fish bulb.
My sweet Disney-loving, Life-saver-candy-carrying Pappy taught me a phrase in Pennsylvania German that he learned from his mom. Said it meant “holy thunderstorm anyhow” (heilich dunderwedder loch amohl?) I yelled it on the playground in elementary school once and got in trouble. LOL
My Grandma lived with us for the majority of my childhood. I only heard her swear one time. The villain on one of her favorite soap operas (or her “stories” as she called them) was up to her usual dirty tricks. Grandma scowled “That woman should be shot with shit and hung for stinking “. Best insult ever.
Yeah well, a WWII vet taught me ‘fookschtick in dine aura’
(stick a dick in your ear)
But my favorite is the sign for bullshit. Here ya go-
https://youtu.be/O-8SMFd1lgQ?si=Z_ffq0Dv0Q0EUirB
And now you have a title for your next book.
@#34 Laurinda; I saw a video that taught me how to sign “I want to tongue-punch your fart-box” but damned if I can find it now to link it.
As a Klingon, I feel that I must add “Hab SoSlI’ Quch!” which means “Your mother has a smooth forehead!”
Your Pal,
Storm the Klingon
In the late 80s, my grandparents had personalized license plates on their van that said “Paaska.” This is how I knew the Finnish word for “shit” by the time I was 10.
Thank you Anonymous, now I understand The Pogues a bit better!
I absolutely love the sitcom “One Day at a Time” on Netflix which is about a Cuban American family. The grandmother in the show speaks some Spanglish, so I turned on English subtitles, and stopped every time it showed a Spanish word, and entered the word in google translate. To my great delight, many of the Spanish words were swear words, which was fabulous coming from the grandmother (played delightfully by Rita Moreno). It was my 3rd or 4th time bingeing the series, and now I love it more than ever!
Love you Jenny! This is exactly just what I needed this am. Have a wonderful day and watch out for fish poo. Nasty stuff, I know because I have a fish aquarium, though it’s never been in my mouth. 😆
I learned about the interesting uses for Google translate on my phone several years ago in (of all things) a weaving class. I used it recently to flirt in Chinese with an acquaintance from Taiwan.
😂😂😂 Awesome!
My Norwegian grandmother taught me how to say, “I’m going to hit your head down to your stomach and make you dance across the floor” and “You shit upwards, it runs down” in Old Norsk – I was about 8 at the time. Her father was a drunk and her mother was the sweetest lady who ever lived. Any guesses as to which one taught her how to swear like a sailor? It wasn’t the drunk…
My grandparents were Czech too (from the Schulenburg/Moravia area) and I remember my grandma trying to teach me Czech words and phrases. She laughed so hard at my feeble attempts.
I am TOTALLY going to start shouting “STUPID POO AWAITS!” at people when I’m angry. LOL! 🙂
Grew up with Polish speaking Mother and Aunties. If there was good gossip they spoke in Polish so we little cousins wouldn’t learn the dirt. But I did learn a couple of tasty swears.
When I was little my mom always called me “pitsny,” which I’m sure is not the correct spelling but she said it was a Croatian word that meant little one or something like that (my dad’s family is from Croatia). It was a cute nickname and I liked it. I just tried to find the actual meaning on Google translate and the closest I can get is “pitsnia,” which means pizza. So I think my mom called me pizza by accident when I was little, lol. 😅
Haha. My grandma said the only Cherokee words she remembered were curse words also.
Jdi do prdele!
Pronunciation: jdi = like “di” in the word “dip”; do = like “do” in the word “dock”; prdele = imagine the italian word “pappardelle” and try speaking it without “appa”
Translates roughly to fuck you.
You are welcome. 😉
My czech grandma cooked knedlíky, lívance, koláčy and other yummy stuff for us and we loved it.
Sadly she didn ‘t teach us the language.
When she was around 75 and I was 20 we took a few czech language lessons together. She aced them of course – me, not so much, but I at least I can pronounce it (a bit) and get a kick out of it every time I stumble upon a czech tidbit.
First of all, yay for kolaches! Second, related to comment 20, one of my former bosses, who happened to be a pastor, said “Scheisse” all the time around the office, and now I say it too.
My Slovak baba taught me to say “don’t let the duck bite you in the ass on the way out”, or so she claimed! I also learned dupa means ass in Polish, how to pronounce the two different ways we refer to Easter cheese, syrec and hrudka, and that the Christmas Eve meal is called Vilija. I always wished they hadn’t tried so hard to disassociate from the old country.
great artilcle
Thank you for making me laugh out loud, and uncontrollably in public and not bothering to stifle it or explain myself. Stupid Poo Awaits!
A promise?
A threat?
A prediction?
It doesn’t matter, it’s all of them and none of them and so absurd that even my teenagers stop arguing with me and just cautiously back away.
You’ve made my day and given me a powerful parenting tool. Thank you!
This is hilarious. I lol’ed at “you just call the police.”
Nothing better than a Czexan grandma! I had one, and all I learned was bread, water, and beer.
Gotta love profound wisdom of our grandparents. 🙂
I got a MSG from my hubby this morning that the bloggess is czech. He’s a big fan, has been for long enough it might be impolite to say. 🙂 I’m czech. Apparently this is a good thing. This was a lovely trip down memory lane. Thank you so much. My czech babi swore like a sailor when she had a shot or two at family gatherings. Amused the hell out of my overeducated uncle but he wouldn’t translate. The exotic ones are still a mystery.
If you are curious about pronunciation, you can give your word or phrase to perplexity or another ai, and ask for English reference words for the sounds.
Still laughing at stupid poo awaits! 😆 That is a very unique threat lol
This is hilarious! Your grandmother sounds like a real character. It’s amazing how technology can help us uncover hidden meanings and connect with our family history. Thanks for sharing this funny and heartwarming story.
khalidelarbi
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