This weekend Hailey moved into their first apartment with their sweetheart and it’s very weird because last week they were sleeping in their carseat which was perched on top of the table of my favorite taco place.
Or at least it feels like it was last week.
We were expecting that they’d just keep living in the dorms all through college but no one tells you that nowadays there is so little dorm space that many colleges – including theirs – only allow you live in the dorms your freshman year. (wtf?)
And although this wasn’t as hard as last year when they left for college, there was something much more final about this…moving into a place where they didn’t have to come home for summers and breaks. And suddenly I’m seeing them do grown-up things themselves and I’m both proud and panicked, because who is this? Like, when we arrived at the apartment Hailey drove but they jumped out of their car in the middle of the parking lot so they could run in and get the keys while I parked the car, but when I got in it wouldn’t move into gear and someone was behind me and I was like, “HAILEY. COME BACK. YOUR CAR IS BROKEN” and so they came back and were like, “Mom. You have to take the parking brake off.”As if I was the child here and I explained that parking brakes were just for parking on cliffs and they explained that parking brakes should be an automatic thing and that I really needed to be a safer driver because they worry and then they told me how to do my taxes. I mean, not that last part, but still.
So today I’m nostalgic for the times that are gone. And that showed up in my substack drawing for this week:
“Have you ever been homesick for someplace that doesn’t actually exist anymore? Someplace that now only exists in your mind?”
When I first wrote that phrase I was talking about my own childhood…but you don’t realize how that can change to mean being homesick for people, or times, or beliefs, or the people we once were.
But today I’m reminding myself that this time last year I went into a full depression, feeling like so much of my life was over…and here a year later I’m getting to help Hailey set up their first apartment and learn how to put together furniture and how to shop for bananas and how to fix a broken dryer. Every year brings its own gold.
So if you’re sending your baby off to college this week or facing similar feelings of grief about endings, know that it never really ends. It just changes. And we change with it.
I’ll remind you if you remind me.
For me home was not a place, but a person, my husband. Now that he has dementia it feels like home is a magic land he has lost the door to, and consequently I have too.
(I’m sending you so much love, my friend. ~ Jenny)
A few years ago, my only one told us they were only going to be home for Christmas a few hours because they were spending the rest of it with their significant other and their family. I cried a lot that time but survived. Parenting isn’t for whimps and it makes us survivors. We will be survivors together, Jenny ❤️
“Every year brings its own gold.” I’m gonna get that as my first tattoo. ♥️
Thanks so much. Needed that more than I can say. Long time reader, first time poster.
This makes me think of the word “Hiraeth”, that I only just heard (and looked up) in the last couple years. It can mean a blend of Homesickness, Nostalgia & longing (Among other things). Many hugs to you.
yea, homesick for a feeling and for people
I feel this. Dropped by daughter off for her 3rd year and this year they have an apartment and she’s not planning on coming home for fall break. It’s so hard and yet I’m proud that she’s becoming a functioning adult and I guess we didn’t mess up this parenting thing too much (for her anyway…). Hugs and we will get through and hopefully they’ll still come for Thanksgiving!
Every DAY brings its own gold… even if it’s just a tiny nugget.
My Mom cried as I backed out of the driveway on my way back to school, but she always said that she would have cried a lot harder if she hadn’t been able to offer me the opportunity to go off to school. You did your job as a parent if the fledgling is off on their own. (Doesn’t make it any easier in the moment however.)
We are doing the same thing this weekend, and my middle daughter goes to the same school Hailey does. We live 3.5 hours away, and she’s our “sunshine girl,” so its been a blessing to have her here with us this summer. It is going to be emotional moving her into a place where she won’t be coming home for summers or breaks unless she just wants to, since she will be paying rent, etc. Send help!
My daughter is turning 30 in 6 months and my baby is starting his senior year of college. The hits just keep coming. You learn to take them and to find new ways to connect if they will let you.
A few weeks ago, I went camping, alone. I was happy, and kind of proud of myself for taking the big step. Then, as I walked around the campground and watched all the happy families making memories, I was unexpectedly overwhelmed with grief. I had to sit with my feelings for a good long while and try to appreciate memories that were made there, while accepting that the present and future were going to look at lot different. I’ve dropped our two off at college, and helped move them into a bunch of new spaces, including back home once or twice. It was the childhood camping memories that really hit me in the gut (even as I type this). I wish I could tell you that those sad times go away, but maybe it’s good, even great, that they don’t.
Although my youngest went off to college for the last time in 1998, I still remember the feeling of emptiness when walking past his bedroom. He graduated in Dec. 1998 and took a job in Texas (TI). Now I see him once a year or so. I still hate it when he leaves.
You’re giving me “fernweh.” A longing for places I’ve never been. If you don’t already know the word, check out the other definitions online. We thought about naming our new camper Fernweh.
In 2014 my husband and I got married by our town mayor with our three best friends as witnesses. We just lost the third and final friend; all our friends at our wedding, just ten years ago, have left us. Such bittersweet memories. We miss them. Treasure people while we have them!
My only left last week for a 10 month study abroad program. My heart!
Mine was living a 21 hour drive away for most of last year, so that was hard, and we were dealing with my dad’s stroke and rapid decline at the same time. We lost my dad in March and my kiddo moved back home a few weeks later after finishing graduate school and is looking for a job. She’ll probably stay for a bit to get on her feet and pay down some loans… She’s got interviews this week, and keeps saying “Adulting is hard!”
There has been so much drama with my childhood home since my mom moved out and sold it that I feel this deep in my soul. The latest is that a bank finally got a hold of it (the first owners after mom had kinda trashed it), remodeled it to the point I didn’t recognize the inside, and sold it to a woman who moved in with her boyfriend, who recently got out of prison. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my childhood home, the only one I’d ever known, is now home to a registered sex offender. 🤦🏻♀️
Just wait until she’s 35 and telling you that *noooowwww* she’s an adult, and nothing before 30 counted, really, because you don’t make *serious* decisions until after you turn 30. Oy. ::facepalm:: The example mine gave was that she bought four tires all at once this last time around, and how about THAT for adulting?? And I’m thinking to myself, “Am I behind? It’s only been in the last decade (I’m halfway through my 5th decade, mind you) that I could actually afford to buy four tires at once!” But I made a very adult decision at age 20 to skip my 20s and be a mom and make some *serious* adult decisions a little early. And I’ve still never been married. I guess I’m just doing things out of order. Which is fine. Sort of. (Fine like that gif of the dog sitting in the middle of a house on fire…) I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. No, really.
Having an adult child is just weird. But good. But weird.
For those of us who have no family, this kind of hurting heart sounds very sweet. I envy those of you who have someone to love like that.
YES. My only moved a few hours away a little over a year ago, into their first apartment with their fiancé. I thought I was going to die. But they still call regularly. I get texts or snapchats daily. I get videos. I get questions on how to do adult things. And while I miss them every single day, I am proud and so happy that I’m still so involved in their lives. And I do enjoy the new peace in my home too! Though, if they ever needed to come back, the door is ALWAYS open. ❤️
My son is getting married this week. As a toddler he would cling to me, and only I could comfort him. You never know the last time they cling to you will be the last time. I miss the little boy of the man in front of me. How dare his future wife be so, so sweet and wonderful.
Every year does bring its own gold.
Dear heart, all time and places only exist in your mind except the time and place that are the here and now. Enjoy the here and now; make new memories.
My oldest lived in campus, about an hour away, all four years. She moved across country for a job at 22. I knew she was truly on her own when she asked for a Dutch oven that Christmas. I heard the door close on her ever moving home.
I’ve always felt homesick of a place that never existed
#5 beat me to it – what you’re feeling is what the Welsh call
Hireath (HeeRrr-eye-th), an untranslatable word that conveys longing, homesickness, and nostalgia, and the distinct feeling of missing something irretrievably lost.
Something I feel in abundance as a disabled 95% homebound Sick Person.
I am experiencing the exact same thing. My daughter got 2 years on campus (luckily, it seems) but has now moved into an apartment — with her boyfriend — for the final 2 years. She now doesn’t have to leave to come home for any breaks or summer. I’m not sure how to handle it.
I was JUST talking with my daughter (she turned 20 this week) about this. I told her I love the stage of life she’s at and we have a great relationship, but my gosh do I miss those “little” years. I wish I’d realized when I was in the thick of them and the days were hard how happy I actually was. The saying “the days are long but the years are short” could not be more true. Sometimes we don’t realize until we look back how special something/someone/ someplace truly was.
I feel you. Except my grief comes in the form of yet another year that my son is unable to move forward in his life due to his invisible disabilities. But he’ll get there… eventually.
I remember feeling I was going to die when my oldest left home for college- and less than a month later sept 11, the plane went down a few miles from his college. and other stuff. and 20 years later, we are both still alive. When that death feeling hits, I remind myself, look at the history.
It’s so weird the things we miss once they’re gone or have changed drastically. I does get more bearable, but it takes time.
I’m about to use a new word excessively
Taking my younger of two off to her first year of college later this week and feeling so many feelings. I send you love and light and warm reminders that we did this, and they did this, and we are all doing this together, even when they are far away. ❤️
Don’t be sad… it’s just a new chapter. My girls are now 41 and 44, and I still get calls to FaceTime them with chicken breasts at the grocery to help them decide. And recipe calls. And laundry calls. They are always your babies:) The big kicker is when your husband retires and is ALWAYS THERE. That’s actually a much harder adjustment. It’s like, “who is this person I’ve been married to for 45 years?!” We never, since the day we met in college, had endless time with just the two of us. The days are very very long. Trust me on that! Someone should write a humorous book about it…
I automatically set the parking brake and it’s not just because I have a manual transmission. When I was learning to drive one lesson was to always put it in gear (reverse if headed downhill and first otherwise) after setting the parking brake because that’s just a backup if the brake fails to hold. I think my 73 Ford Galaxy had an automagic transfixition where Park was supposed to keep it from rolling but even then I always set the parking brake first.
I’m at a point in my life where I wonder how much longer I will live, and what will take me out. I think about all the times in my life that I wasted by wishing and planning to be unalive. I try to remember how it felt to be young and immortal. Bad place to go to. Depression is a thief of life.
I am absolutely homesick for a place that doesn’t exist anymore. Several places, in fact.
You made me weepy. I remember so clearly the first time I put my little guy on the school bus, down to the Spiderman sneakers and Paul Frank hoodie with the monkey on it and the red backpack. I remember thinking I had his whole childhood to look forward to, and now he’s just turned seventeen and about to start his last year of high school, and while I’m so incredibly proud of this amazing person he’s turning out to be, I want to cry that his childhood is over and I’ll never feel those skinny arms wrap around my neck or hear that sweet lispy voice. It’s a type of heart break that no one warns you about, isn’t it?
In German, it’s called “Heimat” – a yearning for a place that either no longer exists or never did. And my dad always puts on the parking break, even when he’s parking in the driveway, which was very annoying when he’d park my car because the parking break always stuck.
Oh Mama, it’s tough realizing that the lease is for a YEAR which means they won’t be home for the summer except for a few weekends here and there. This was my first summer with no bébé at home 😭
I understand. Tomorrow my nephew takes off to Sweden for a semester, when just last week he was a toddler fascinated by my big boots. You turn around once, and they’ve grown up into fine young adults, that do adult things, and adult all on their own.
Sending you a very large hug and maybe a glass or two of wine. Went through this very same transition this year with our son. And, yeah, he didn’t come for the summer. We went there to visit instead. So proud. And so heartsick. All at the same time.
It’s so hard. And you are so right, the siituation changes but the feelings don’t. My girl moved 10 hours away a year ago. Now she’s gonna have a baby. And I’m not there for it. It’s hard. Even though I love to see her spreading her wings!
Sending you love and acceptance of that which we cannot (should not!) change. I am still looking for that acceptance. Hahaha
Reminds me of our youngest (now 22) saying of his favorite dog, “if you love something, you better keep ahold of it”. His grammar was off, but I think the point stands.
Parking brakes are only for hills! I got your back Jenny! Like Who TF uses a parking brake on a level surface? What other action are you attempting to mitigate? These kiddos know so much and so little at the same time.
Just wait a few years…my baby bird flew away to university ..finished and flew back home..this time with his girlfriend. One baby bird left, two came home.
Some people say that all time takes place simultaneously, which comforts me. I imagine that my four-year-old son and I are still riding the Snoopy rollercoaster together somewhere out there in time.
My youngest moved out this month and is starting college Wednesday and it feels really odd to have the house to myself. I’m lucky that both my not-so-littles-anymore still live in town, but I still am the only person who lives in my house now. Since I had roomies before I had a husband and kids, I haven’t actually lived alone in a *really* long time. I’m distracting myself by rearranging the entire house, but I don’t know how long I can put off feeling all these feels that are bubbling up in the marinara that is my brain.
I sometimes get homesick for the Mexico of the 1970s. I call it nostalgia
it is very hard. you are always longing for what has passed. but you cant give them wings and then cry when they fly.. ~mom of 4, 3 of whom live in other countries…
I just dropped my baby off for their freshman year at college. Divorce finalized in June, moved into my new condo in July. So many changes, all for the better, but sometimes hard nonetheless.
I just dropped off my daughter for her junior year and didn’t expect to be so sad this year! Reading your comments actually helped — it made me feel less crazy to be so affected by it. And also to think of the times I semi-wished I weren’t alive and that little girl and her brother were the reasons that kept me here so I *am* grateful to be here for these moments but it hurts…
So this post made me think of a scene from Garden State:
Andrew Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Largeman: You’ll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it’s gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It’s like you feel homesick for a place that doesn’t even exist. Maybe it’s like this rite of passage, you know. You won’t ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it’s like a cycle or something. I don’t know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that’s all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.
Here’s to creating a new idea of home for you both but still knowing your fantastic child has a place to come home to.
Hugs and love to you this week.
I’ve just finished a week of buying last minute dorm stuff, making sure all the little details are covered, filling out forms…all the things to make sure my oldest son is ready for college. The whole time I’m doing this, half my brain is screaming to not forget any of the details to make this go smoothly for him while the other half is saying…you idiot, you are doing all of this work so that he can leave you and that being an 18 year old boy, if you didn’t take care of the details he may just decide not to do it because it’s too complicated. Ahhhh, it’s hard growing up with our kids but I think we will all figure it out eventually.
I remember your first book, and how you were in college when you met Victor. Time does appear to speed up as we age (peer reviewed studies on that). The brain might understand, yet the heart can vehemently disagree.
I found this really difficult to follow……. first you said Hailey moved in with a sweetheart. The story continued with “they” and “them”, however, it sounded like you were only talking about Hailey at that point. How confusing! Hailey is a single person, not a plural. Whether she is hetero, homo, bi, tri, or pan – she is still a singular. For goodness sakes, be whoever you want to be, love whoever you want to love, but going plural for one person is grammatically incorrect. How is a reader supposed to follow the story? I do not think it is a good idea to start changing how the English language is set up.
But I do love you and your stories!!
Julie
(It can take a little time to get used to it but eventually it becomes much easier. They’ve been nonbinary for over 3 years so now it sounds totally normal to me. Here’s a little primer that might help:https://thebloggess.com/2021/06/09/non-binary-pronouns-its-complicated-but-wonderful-things-usually-are/ 🙂 ~ Jenny)
I’m an only child and my mom was so sad when I told her that I would be spending time with the In-laws and not much time at her house. She keeps begging my husband and me to move closer to home. We moved across the country and nowhere near “home.” Growing up brings changes, for better or for worse.
Oh gosh. Yes. Dropped off my youngest yesterday at college on the other side of the country. He’s 6’5″ and not the little boy who would snuggle his head in my lap that I remember for a long time. But I still hung around town in case it only took 18 hours for him to decide he needs one more hug from Mom before I go, and this is a very exciting time and of course I hope I raised him to be independent and resilient enough not to need that. (Mixed feelings, anyone?) But was desperately happy when he responded to my three texts from before 11 am at around 8:30. Also, he figured out how to get to Walmart and buy a box fan and I know that doesn’t mean he’ll never need me again. Sorry for running on. It’s still fresh.
Hailey will forever be the tiny person in your earliest videos who shriek-sang at the camera and told the best garbled stories. They are amazing
Hireath is the best word I’ve found to describe that deep longing for a person, a place or a time we all experience. Nostalgia, longing, wistfulness aren’t up to the task.
I needed to hear this today. Thank you so much Jenny.
Nobody tried actively to keep me near Home and family after I graduated from college. I lived between 2 major metropolitan areas, about 100 miles between them. So it wouldn’t have been difficult to stay close to family. But I didn’t think about all the great and important aspects of staying close to primary and extended family, then.
After 7 or 8 years, moving, for work and husband, I ended up hundreds of miles away, with my small children. For 35 years.
And so much regret. My kids didn’t connect with extended family, and extended family didn’t connect with them. I lost closeness too. And so much connection with my parents, sister, cousins, aunts, and uncles.
Now, my daughter is 42, now; my son, 40, and we are all at least a w to 4+ hour drive away from each other. Neither they, nor grandchildren are part of common every day life.
For me, I look back on this as a huge mistake in judgement on my part. I’m 73 now, my grandchildren are still very young – and I’ve missed out on SO much, in staying close to my adored kids, and being part of my grandchildren’s lives.
So, I’m writing as a far-fore-warning caveat – As college becomes young careers, and mobility seems endless – – – give Extra thought to spreading out, all over the country – even the difficulties of a few hundreds of miles – have a huge impact, over lifetimes. On relationships.
I know, we all have to do, what we have to do, certainly. Just be more aware of the familial long term Costs, than I was.
I always wondered if I was a weirdo (for various and sundry reasons over the years) because I was not a mom like other moms, wishing my child would stay little forever, never move away, and always live near me. I never sat wistfully looking at his baby/toddler/middle school pictures, lamenting that he was all grown up. It just isn’t like that for me. I was thrilled that he chose to leave the nest, create a life, and end up doing so well for himself! He is an ex-Air Force captain and was stationed all over the U.S. We’ve been able to visit him each place he has lived. I am not the type of mom bugging him for grandchildren. I’ve always told him I just want him to be happy doing what he’s doing, whatever that is, and he is. We talk almost every day; he now lives about 5 hours away, and we get to see him every couple of months. He did just tell us that his goal is to work completely remotely forever, and he wants to move closer to us, and build a home with an attached in-law type thing for us when we are too old to take care of our home. Gotta say, that made my heart happy to hear. Even though I’ve been accustomed to him being gone since leaving for college 14 years ago, it would do my mom heart good to see my boy every day.
Not an easy transition. You’re so right about them just the other day being in a car seat on a table. Time is a thief. A wonderful thing I learned recently; homesickness is different from nostalgia. Nostalgia is easier to deal with. Best of luck to Hailey and her sweetie. Hope they have the best year ever!
Thank you for sharing this. This past year has had so many endings and lasts that have now become beginnings and new experiences that it’s been an emotional roller coaster. I take my first to college on Monday and I’m having so many mixed feelings. Relief we got them through high school, sadness because I won’t see them everyday, panic because they are having trouble adapting to adulting, excitement because I love watching them become who they are, and a little smugness toward my hubs because they chose to go to my alma mater not his. Ok, the last one is a bit petty, but still true.
My mother passed away in December 2019. I noticed in the last few years of her life (after my father had passed) how almost desperate she seemed whenever I was leaving. I spent a lot of time with her but live in another state and always had to get home to take care of my 3. My baby just graduated from college this year and moved into his first real apartment 13 hours away last month, and my other two are each on opposite coasts. I realized over the past few weeks what my mother was feeling, as I am now clinging to the nostalgia of having them near and wish I was able to be more present when they were. And I wish I understood what my mother was feeling while she was still here. Thank you for sharing l
Things do change, sometimes for the better; sometimes not. Heartache never gets better, but it does change in intensity. We no longer cry all the time… but sometimes. The thing I have trouble with is regret. Regret is a poison that keeps the pain from becoming less of a heartache. I wish I knew how one stops regret.
My son & his wife and their newborn just moved clear across the country from us. I thought I weathered, his marriage and that adjustment pretty well. This feels like my arm has fallen off. Almost all communication comes from his wife (who is lovely, but not my child). I feel as though they may as well be in another dimension altogether. I am trying to be ok & I will adjust, but currently it makes me feel sad and distant.
Omg I love this so much, I want to print it and hang it somewhere where I see it everyday so that this mind, that lives in the past far too often, can be reminded about what it means to move forward.
I literally just walked in the door from taking my son to do his driving test. Which he passed. In WA state, which is usually considered one of the hardest states to get a license in, but apparently they give licenses to TINY BABIES BECAUSE HE IS MY TINY BABY! (He is 17).
Jenny, I have followed you for years and read your books but never commented until today. I have two little ones 6 & 9 and I am in NY (I live in NC) putting my grandmother on hospice realizing I can never go to her home again because we sold it years ago to pay for her care. Now we are creating the memories for our kids and I so wish I had a safe place to curl up in memories. I don’t, I’m all grown up and sometimes it sucks. My youngest started kindergarten this year and I know if I blink he will be in college. Thanks for helping me feel less alone.
Get more cats, it helps.
My son lives a plane ride away now. He is working, living and thriving. But I miss him so much it is sometimes hard to breathe. I cling to the two things I most firmly believe – be careful what you wish for and all things change. I will not wish him home and he may decide to change his life tomorrow. Peace be with you – and me – and us all.
“Have you ever been homesick for someplace that doesn’t actually exist anymore?” Or that maybe never did? There’s a Welsh word “hiraeth”. https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2012/09/18/dreaming-in-welsh/
Well, Jenny, thanks for sharing Hailey’s experience, the emergency brake safety tip, and the affirmation that it’s okay to miss a time or phase in our lives. My kiddos are still in high school and grade school, but I am definitely homesick for a time when they were all stampeding through our home in footed pj’s, chugging milk from sippy cups, and demanding Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on tv.
Thanks for always bringing joy through all the phases of life,
Melanie
Great
I’m not sure why I’m choosing this to be my first comment, when I’m not even a parent, nor will ever be, but, here goes. I guess I just wanted to say that I’m extremely proud of you! While we, your readers, don’t know everything you have been though, you have bravely shared a lot with us regarding your mental health struggles. Getting to this year is amazing and handling it with such a wonderful outlook is inspiring. I struggle with fairly severe anxiety, so you are my hero because of how you see life.
Making a child so beautifully and completely that they can swim though the world alive and joyful and unafraid and full of spirit is the absolute best a parent can do. And, you done it!
I married and moved to South Texas (in1973 from Northern Illinois) and the first time my mother came to visit, I had all these plans for things we could do together and about 2 days into the visit my mother told me how strange it was for her, for me to be the one in charge of what we would do and eat. To realize, I guess, that I was really ‘grown up.’ I have (obviously) remembered that statement.
I keep thinking “ I want to go home” although I AM at home… and I didn’t have these thoughts while traveling…. Longing for a memory that exists only in my mind and never really was.. thank you for this art, it is good to feel I’m not alone
Oooof. Nailed it.
I’ve lived in the city – far away from where I grew up for 40+ years. But if you ask me where home is, it’s always in my tiny town. The town that had 500 people – 501 during the tourist season. Which, of course I couldn’t wait to get away from. Now I would chew off a body part to be back there with my family.
This artwork is lovely. It speaks to me. I like it. A lot.
English is my second language and I’m confused… Why are you referring to a single person as plural?
(Hailey is non-binary. So if you are talking about a person and don’t assign a gender to them you use “they/them”. I know it can be confusing so here’s a little primer. 🙂 https://thebloggess.com/2021/06/09/non-binary-pronouns-its-complicated-but-wonderful-things-usually-are/ ~ Jenny)
This is such a heartfelt and relatable post. It’s beautiful to see how you’re navigating the bittersweet emotions of your child growing up. Your drawing perfectly captures the feeling of nostalgia and change.
Remember, it’s okay to feel a mix of emotions. Embrace the joy of new beginnings and cherish the memories of the past. You’re doing a wonderful job supporting Hailey.
khalidelarbi
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