Autocorrect on my text messages is making me look even more unhinged than normal lately, so if you ever feel bad about your texting issues, please enjoy these two examples from just the last week:
What I thought I wrote:
“I need to start being more kind to myself. I’ve been really getting down on myself lately.”
What I actually sent:
“I need to start being more kind to myself. I’ve been really going down on myself lately.”
What I thought I wrote:
“I slept for maybe two hours last night so instead of getting up this morning I just brought my laptop, a bowl of old easter candy and my notes back into bed and breakfasted with the dog and cat, who seemed confused but nonjudgmental.”
What I actually sent:
“I slept for maybe two hours last night so instead of getting up this morning I just brought my laptop, a bowl of old easter candy and my notes back into bed and breastfed with the dog and cat, who seemed confused but nonjudgmental.”
Anyway, this is my public apology to everyone I text because you really don’t deserve this and I hope you enjoy whatever is wrong with me because holy fuck, it’s a lot.
(Above: a live representation of how I assume everyone looks when they open my texts. I’m so sorry.)
Thank you for the belly laugh! 😂
Again, Jenny, you are all of us.
A few years ago, I was in a group text with elementary school PTA moms about a fundraiser, in this case In-n-Out merch. I was excited about the socks. My evil phone (bc it couldn’t be my fingers or undiagnosed braincloud) kept autocorrecting to In-n-Out dicks. Like five times. In a row. I thought it was kinda hilarious. The PTA did not agree. Which was also kinda hilarious.
Autocorrect does it on purpose. I proofread my texts before I hit send, and watch as the word I so carefully chose morphs into something entirely different and something I never would have chosen myself.
I feel your pain. I recently meant to text “Excellent, thanks!” but what I actually sent was “Excrement, thanks!” WTF autocorrect.
Ha ha ha! Your autocorrect is wicked funny – not sure where she gets it from…
I only mistype individual letters and frustrate myself to no end, all the while aggravating my capal-tunnels. Wouldn’t live without my smartphone, though! Peace and happy brain waves to you, dear Jenny!
Omg thank you. I once texted my physical therapist, “can you fix my dick,” instead of “can you fix my neck.” And I don’t even have one of those. Well I do have the neck so you can figure out the rest.
I feel you’re mortification myself and another beep use speech to text a lot and between speech to text and auto-cucumber airs see there we go errors our texts look very bizarre and cryptic to other people I have occasionally sent my girlfriend another beep text messages where I then had to follow it with the second and third text message explaining what the first text message should have been I guess I’m saying don’t worry you’re not alone
Well done. Good stuff. I guessed correctly on the first one even before your reveal.
Autocorrect on texts and messages often substitutes the worst choices for my terrible mistyping. It’s sometimes terrible offensive words that I then have to send an apology text right after. And I swear I doublecheck everything before I hit send. But with AI it’s gotten even worse, if I even type the correct word, AI autocorrect will charge it to something completely wrong. I blame the robots….
I lol’d at “breastfed.” I once told someone I was at home nursing a sick cat and he said “Don’t you get scratched about the breast?”
I can so relate!!! But yours are funnier :).
My problem is, and apparently always will be, I don’t carefully look at texts I’m responding to. I was once the grocery store and they started playing Andy Gibb – dude, The Gibb – who I hadn’t heard in years and was so excited to text my friend that I opened the app and sent her the song, along with a message. Except I had hit my boss’s name because they were both named Jenn. I sent the bank president an Andy Gibb song with the message, “his chest hairs still shine bright”.
Thank you for sharing. I’m having one of those days where everything seems so much. I want to cry but when I went into the bathroom, because I’m at work, it just wouldn’t come. Then I read this and I laugh out loud. Thank you
I’ve never breastfed the dog and the cat at the same time. You rock.
Hahaha! I don’t group text for this reason. I also haven’t bothered to write a new post on substack lately because I had a biopsy on my left middle finger (stitches and all) and knew that there would have been more than a tsunami of offensively wrong autocorrections that would have taken forever to fix.
My Frankenstein finger is unyielding and wants me to offend people with its inflexibility. Side note, no cancer just have skin weirdness ( of the rare unicorn variety) that my derm is puzzled by and is trying to diagnose. Side note, you have left over Easter candy??! Wow. I search and destroy with all candy stat. It would have been gone in days at my place 😂
Text thread with a friend:
Me: Hey! Do you own Twitter?
Me: Damn it!
Me: Twister*
Friend: Lol. Yes l am a tech bajillionaire
I needed this today and it also reminded me to buy your book at the perfect time because I’ve been down bad crying at the gym and feeling pretty hopeless lately. I remembered you and I feel hope again. Thank you for existing. 💖💖
Hilarious!
Ha ha ha, thank you for the laughs today. We’ve all been there, don’t worry. Those are extra-special ones. 😉
LOL I love it! I would be delighted to get messed up texts like that… usually it’s me sending them on accident. My speech to text hates me. 😜
My friends and family & I decided to rename that rascal “autocorrupt” and sometimes add the emoji for a car (auto) & a carrot.
My favorite typo ever was when a guy was rescheduling a meeting and he wrote, “Sorry for the incontinence.” He sent it industry-wide so it went to dozens of people.
I know you’re paying and I’ve had many embarrassing and funny reactions because of this
After seeing the doctor due to problems with reading, a man texted his wife,
“I have dyslexia!”
Upon arriving home, he found his wife in a foul mood. He asked why and she showed him the text he sent her which read,
“I have sex daily!”
Years back texted a Priest that “I’ll be praying for him.” What he got was “I’ll be PUSSYING for you.”
It helps if you imagine autocorrect as a tiny little elf in your phone who’s trying so hard to be helpful but is in fact quite drunk
I just read this in neck exercise instructions: “Without lifting your head off the floor, gently nod your chin down toward your throat, as if you are making a slight double chin. Imagine you are rotating your head on a skewer running through your ears.”
… like a SPIT? Like my head is on a SPIT?
I believe it is spelled ‘autoincorrect’.
My mom attended her cousin’s funeral today and texted the family afterward that God’s son gave the eulogy. Wasn’t aware that Jesus turns up for that kind of thing. Pretty sure she meant grandson… Anyway, my mom and you made me belly laugh today. Thanks for that!
Jenny, I once wrote it looks like it is going to be windy up in Asheville. It autocorrected it to Ass Hole. WTF?
Oh Jenny, that’s terrible – and hilarious! Autocorrect is a bitch! What fun that it prompted all these great responses! ♥️👏😂
I wrote Everything is covered in snow. Autocorrect decided Everything is covered in Schwarzenegger.
Why?
I’m so likely to do things like this daily, but I’m never as hysterical as you are in explaining them!! Breastfeeding is a winner 😆
Who is anyone to judge you? (except for an actual judge of course – look out for those). At least your texts (typos included) still made sense.
P.S. loved the addition of the Dan Levy image.
Du not worry we all love you and understand but have to say its very funny 😄 lots of love ❤️
Can I volunteer to become one of the people you text? Because receiving these would make my day every single time.
Not autocorrect, but definitely my stupid brain. Was gaming Everquest with my late lifemate one night and she was showing me onscreen the new armor headgear her character had just bought in the game. While this was happening, another player asked my character to cast a buff spell on them. So in between looking at my lifemate’s new (very ugly) headgear, and casting the buff on another player, this happened:
Other player: thank you
me: you’re ugly.
I wouldn’t judge you at all. Mostly cause i’d be lucky enough to text with you…but also cause when I had a brain bleed earlier this year and was waiting on surgery that’s how people figured I might be in pain, cause apparently I didn’t text words so much as letters that vaguely formed something?
I was texting with a newish co-worker and was trying to respond “Don’t worry, I won’t rat you out!” which was autocorrected to “Don’t worry, I won’t eat you out!”. Luckily she found it hilarious and we became good friends, lol.