Category Archives: Random Crap

Over the last few weeks I’ve been feeling a little paranoid because a lot of the neighborhood squirrels have been wearing fake beards.

I considered tweeting about it but then didn’t because it makes me sound even crazier than normal but then my mom came to stay for the weekend and was like, “Does…does that squirrel have a moustache?” and I was very relived to be able to prove that I hadn’t been hallucinating all these squirrels going incognito.

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Mysteries of the Why-Do-All-The-Neighborhood-Squirrels-Suddenly-Have-Beards and What-Happened-To-ThePatio-Furniture = Solved.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Nov 18, 2018 at 3:42pm PST

(This video = me that time I tried to learn how to knit.)

Turns out that Squirrelly Temple (the squirrel that lives in our backyard) has been ripping fluff out of the lawn furniture.  I suspected that it was a terrible disguise from Owl Roker (the owl that lives in our front yard) or maybe she was just trying to vote multiple times but my mom said that she’s probably just using it to make a nest and that this is a sign of a cold winter to come.

Regardless, it’s nice to know that I am not insane and that my destroyed lawn furniture is making the neighborhood festive as Secret Santa Squirrels cavort around the town.

Ho ho ho, motherfucker.

Also, I just realized that Squirrelly Temple may have a penis so possibly the beard is simply an effort to get me to stop misgendering him but I don’t have a good male squirrel name yet.

Hang on.  “James Squirrel Jones,”  Nailed it.

If you’re an old-school blogger you already know my friend – the fantastic Asha Dornfest – but you may have missed her post calling back all the writers who may have fallen out of blogging over the years.  You should go read it because it’s awesome and also because I’m suddenly seeing so many of the people I loved come back to blogging.

Blogging is hard.  Sometimes you have shit to say.  Sometimes you don’t.  Your words can be powerful or silly or ignored.  You can share too much or not enough.  You can be hurt.  You can be saved.  You can share pictures of your cat.  You can change the world.  All of these things are true.

But mostly for me blogging is a way to say, “Hi.  I’m here.  You’re here too.  We’re a little less alone than we were yesterday.”

So today let’s celebrate blogging.  If you’re an old-school blogger or new one share your blog in the comments.  Visit each other.  Grow the communities that we need to make the world a better place.

And if you don’t have a blog, share the blogs that you love in the comments.  Sometimes encouragement is the only thing that keeps tortured writers writing so let’s love the shit out of each other, y’all.

Things that happened to me in the last 24 hours:

1. I bought a bag of bath bombs for the first time in my life because my shrink said I need to do “relaxing things more” and the directions said to just toss a few in the tub so I thought the plastic on the bombs would just dissolve but it didn’t because it’s plastic so I tried to peel the plastic off but my hands were too slippery because I was in the bath so I used my teeth to grab the plastic and then my teeth worked too well and the entire bath bomb dissolved all over my face and this is the opposite of relaxing.

2.  I went to get a refill on my fountain drink but after the first few seconds the diet coke started spraying out of the machine like a damn sprinkler and it went all over me and everyone around me so I ran back to my table to towel off and after I was finished with my drink I was eating the ice but something felt super  not like ice and that’s because the coke machine had pushed the filter into my glass like it was a newborn baby and I was drinking it.

3.  I realized that “cartwheels” are called that because your arms and legs look like the spokes of a cart wheel as it’s turning.

I don’t have a picture for that last one so instead here’s this:

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He can’t sit in my lap while I’m drawing so he’s pouting.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Nov 10, 2018 at 9:33pm PST

If you know me in real life you probably already know that I have a nervous tic that becomes obvious when I’m tired, drunk or dealing with anxiety (i.e. 90% of my life) but it’s way more pronounced when I’m stressed out and I often have people DM me to ask if my eyes are okay and I explain that they are but my brain is fucked up except that now apparently my eyes are also broken too because in the last few weeks they’ve been watering constantly and I have a rash on my eyelids that itches like hell and it’s getting worse so I went to my doctor and jokingly said, “I think I’m allergic to my own tears” and she was like, “Yeah, pretty much” and basically I think I just became a bad country song.

And technically it’s less of an “allergy” and more of a “reaction” but it’s still totally shitty and I would cry about it but that would just make it worse.

Anyway, I wanted to post a video of me and the cats a few days ago but my anxiety was high so my blinking tic was slightly more obvious so I tried to do another video and not have my hard blinking tic but trying not to do it makes me do it more and it was like I was playing the staring game with myself and still failing miserably.

But then today I was looking at the video again and I decided, fuck it, and I just posted the video because 1) these things we hate about ourselves are not nearly as noticeable to everyone else as they are to ourselves and 2) because cat videos are a balm in this dark world.

TL;DR – Maybe you also have some embarrassing thing that you want to hide but maybe if we all just show our brokenness together the weird bumps and tics and lumpy imperfections of our humanity will all blend together and we’ll realize that no one really gives a shit and that we just need to live our lives without fear of these tiny things that seem big but really aren’t.

Or maybe I’ll just get some very dark prescription sunglasses.

One of those.

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Writing with cats.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Nov 8, 2018 at 12:43pm PST

Spoiler alert: He totally ate my notes.

I just got back from voting and the line wasn’t bad at all and it was as smooth as usual.  They were running low on stickers because the voter turn-out is much higher than usual (go democracy!) so I printed my own.

(You can print your own here.)

And now as we all nervously watch the results let’s have some fun.  If your name + your last text message is your campaign slogan what would yours be?

Mine would be:

Jenny Lawson: I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR THIS.

Fitting really.

Today is National Author’s Day so I’m sharing a series of one-minute videos I made while trying to write my new book so you can see the only thing more difficult to combat than my own crippling self-doubt.

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Live cam of me writing a book.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Sep 17, 2018 at 1:48pm PDT

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View from my computer monitor. #writersblockincatform

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Oct 17, 2018 at 12:30pm PDT

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Video: live webcam from my computer monitor. #glamorouswriterslife #ferrismewlerisarealasshole

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Oct 17, 2018 at 2:19pm PDT

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I just want to write in peace.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Oct 25, 2018 at 8:05pm PDT

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Exhibit 89 for why I need a door on my office.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Oct 26, 2018 at 3:15pm PDT

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I mean, really? #writerswithcats

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Oct 30, 2018 at 10:41am PDT

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It’s every day, you guys.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Oct 31, 2018 at 10:14am PDT

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This is fine. Everything is fine.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Oct 31, 2018 at 11:01am PDT

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“Helping.”

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Nov 1, 2018 at 10:36am PDT

I would close the door except that Victor took the only office in the house so my office is the dining room and it doesn’t have doors.  Also even if I had doors they would just scream at them to be let in, plus Ferris Mewler is polydactyl and has thumbs so he can totally open the door.

In conclusion, my coworkers are more annoying than yours are.  But also possibly cuter.  And less hypoallergenic.

This isn’t a real post.  Just an update.  A few weeks ago I shared a list of horror movies I was going to watch this month and you guys gave me great suggestions so I ended up with a giant, wonderful list and I’m sharing the full thing today since it’s Halloween.

I ended with The Haunted of Hill House but technically I started watching it days ago AND IT’S SO GOOD.  Like, so good I think I’ll start watching it again as soon as I’m done.

October viewing list:

October 1 – Burnt Offerings (1976)

October 2 – The Witch (2015)

October 3 – Get Out (2017)

October 4 – Carnival of Souls (1962)

October 5 – Picnic at Hanging Rock (1975)

October 6 – Shaun of the Dead (2004)

October 7 – I am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House (2016)

October 8 – Babadook (2014)

October 9 – A Tale of Two Sisters (2003)

October 10 – The Host – (2006)

October 11 – A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night

October 12 – Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (2010)

October 12b – Let The Right One In (2008)

October 14 – What We Do In The Shadows (2014)

October 15 – We Are What We Are

October 16 – Train to Busan (2016)

October 17 – Cloverfield Lane (2016)

October 18 – Troll Hunter (2010)

October 19 – Dawn of the Dead (1978)

October 20 – The Shining (1980)

October 21 – Rear Window (1954)

October 22 – The Invitation (2015)

October 23 – 28 Days Later (2002)

October 24 – The Moth Diaries (2011)

October 25 – The Strangers (2008)  Sorry.  That was too torturey for me.  Let’s change that to The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell (2018)

October 26 – The Apostle (2018)

October 27 – The Changeling (1980)

October 28 – Raw (2016)

October 29 – The Conjuring

October 30 – It Follows (2014)

October 31 – The Haunting of Hill House (2018 tv version)

Today is National Cat Day so to celebrate I got a tattoo of Ferris Mewler:

He was very impressed.

“Wait. What is that?”

“Is that…me?  JESUS.”

“I AM NOT READY FOR THIS LEVEL OF COMMITMENT.  YOU HAVE MISREAD THE SIGNALS, LADY.”

In the end, it was too much love for him to handle.  Luckily I still have another shoulder that needs tattooing.

Also not thrilled.

PS. This is not a real tattoo because I suck at making decisions so I can’t decide what should go on my body forever.  It’s a temporary tattoo fan art of Ferris Mewler and it’s awesome but I spilled water on my desk and now I can’t read the name of the artist so if you made this let me know in the comments and I’ll tag you.

PPS.  Never mind, I just found her name!  Thanks Danelle Jones for the fabulous fan art.

Happy National Cat Day, y’all.

Actual phone call I took today:

Him: Hello Miss Jenny Lawson.  I am calling from Health and Human Services.  Your government is giving you a grant you do not have to repay for $14,588.  You were selected because you pay your taxes on time and do not have a criminal record.  Congratulations!

me: But I do have a criminal record.

Him:  Ma’am, have you murdered anyone?

me:  Yes, but they haven’t found all the bodies yet.

Him:  *click*

Call from the same number, different guy, 2 hours later:

Him:  Hello Miss Jenny Lawson.  I’m calling from Health and Human Services.  You are being given a grant for $14,588 because you pay your taxes on time and have no criminal record and your government wants to reward you and 5,000 other selected people.  How does that sound?

me: But I do have a criminal record.

Him: Ma’am, have you murdered someone?

me:  Yes, but only because they tried to steal money from me using a phone scam.

Him: …Oh.

me:  Yeah.

Him: Ma’am, are you married?

me:  Yep.

Him: You should divorce your husband and marry me.

me:  Well this took a turn.

Him:  I’m serious.  I only took this job to find a smart woman who could match me intellectually.  That woman is you.

me:  I’m gonna pass but if you could remove me from your list I would really appreciate it.  You’re wasting my time and yours.

Him:  True love is never a waste of time.

And that’s the weirdest phone call I’ve gotten all week.

Every time I go to the drug store I find clearance halloween pet costumes and Victor says that’s a sign that I’m taking too many drugs but really it’s more just a sign that I’m too lazy to go to the grocery store. Also, I don’t think the grocery store has pet costumes but they should because OMG YOU GUYS:

I bought this one for Dorothy Barker but she hated it so instead Hunter S. Thomcat got it. He didn’t love it but he was too lazy to take it off.

Dottie was also not a giant fan of this one either because she doesn’t like wigs so I tried to give it to Ferris Mewler.

He was not impressed.

In fact, he kept hovering over the stove like he wanted to catch himself on fire. So, not a winner.

And then, just as I was giving up on finding a halloween outfit that one of my furry children would actually wear, the perfect outfit appeared.

She loves it. Probably because I keep giving her treats for being adorable. And maybe because she gets to hold a knife. Hard to say.

PS. My daughter has inherited the terrible pun gene.

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Argh.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on Oct 24, 2018 at 1:49pm PDT

Happy Howloween.