The Bloggess

Woof. So, you may have noticed that I’ve been a bit MIA recently and that’s because I got some shitty news and I didn’t want to share until I had more information because I know you guys worry as much as I do, and also because I didn’t want to tell Hailey until they were done with finals and back home.

This is a longish story but I’ll try to make it shorter. So, I’ve been having problems with my blood (it’s such an asshole) and my doctor was like, “Let’s send you in for an endoscopy just to see what’s going on because your bloodwork is making me think you have another autoimmune disorder (I COLLECT THEM NOW) that’s affecting your stomach.” And I went in and it was fine except that I saw “intestinal metaplasia” on the paperwork and googled it up and got a little panicky because apparently that’s a precancerous thing where your stomach turns into an intestine (or something?) and that sounds bad, but I guess I didn’t need to worry about it being precancerous because for some reason the lab emailed me copies of the endoscopy report and turns out my body decided to be an overachiever and skipped right over “pre-cancer” and directly into cancer. Bleh.

And then I panicked because I was reading this super-academic biopsy email with terrifying words that I half-understood and so I texted my doctor: “Someone sent me my endoscopy results and I think I have cancer?”

They always say that you’re never prepared for the day when your doctor tells you that you have cancer, but I think you’re even less prepared for the day when you have to tell your doctor that you have cancer. Thankfully he called me right away and explained that yes, I did have cancer, but that if he had to choose a cancer to get this one would be in his top 10, which is weird that he has them ranked, but I guess slightly comforting.

It’s a very rare kind of cancer (BECAUSE OF FUCKING COURSE IT IS) and it’s in my stomach but it’s not stomach cancer, which is just confusing. Apparently I have neuroendocrine tumors, a type of cancer that can show up anywhere in your endocrine system (which is sort of all over?)   I’m sorry.  I’m not good at biology.  But the good thing is that the tumors are incredibly “small and indolent”.  When the doctor first told me that I thought he said the tumors were “indigent” but he clarified that they were “indolent” which is science-speak for “lazy” and I guess it’s nice that they match the rest of me.  

There’s lots of different types of treatment because there are lots of different stages and such, but it’s very possible that these might just sit lazily in my stomach for years and years and do nothing except make me fatigued (which I already deal with).  It’s a sort of cancer where sometimes chemo and surgery are used but (best case scenario) you can sometimes just have this cancer for 40 years and it never grows bigger.  So now I’m waiting for CT scans and PET scans and all that jazz to make sure that it’s not in other places, but my bloodwork isn’t screaming, “HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?” so the doctors feel cautiously optimistic that I could definitely be one of the lucky people who just gets endoscopies every 6 months for the rest of my life to make sure that the cancer is being as lazy as the rest of me. I’m not sure if “cancer forever” is considered “lucky” but it’s not the worst thing I could think of.

I’m trying to make this a positive thing so I’m making myself say yes to things more. Life is short. I’m also using this to get out of anything I just don’t want to do.  Things I haven’t been able to do in the last week:  Clean the toilet.  Take the dog out to pee after I already took off my bra.  Not buy new sandals when they were on sale.  

Honestly, I’ve been using it every day.  “Victor, I can’t possibly wear these old shoes.  I have cancer.”  And this seems terrible except that cancer is terrible too and I’m not about to let it be the first terrible thing I’ve dealt with to turn me into a serious person.  As with the many terrible things that I have dealt with, I will use dark humor and laughter to make it more manageable and I would ask that you don’t treat me any differently than you already do.

I was really worried that Victor was going to treat me differently because he was really freaked out the first week, but when I told him that the tests showed I had two tumors instead of one he was like, “That doesn’t surprise me.  It’s called a ‘two-mer’…not a ‘one-mer’.”  And that’s when I realized we were going to be fine.

Victor took a picture of me during one of my exams where I was doing heavy-metal devil horns but it looked ridiculous even for me so instead here’s one of me laughing right after he said something ridiculous.

I have more to share but this is too long and I’m tired so I’ll just say that there is more to come and everything is going to be fine no matter what.

I super crazy love you. Thank you for listening, friend.

This month’s new book releases held a few of my absolute favorites for the year, which made it quite hard to winnow them down to just two for my book club picks. A good problem to have though.

This month we’re sending Fantastic Strangelings When the Tides Held the Moon by Venessa Vida Kelley. It’s a fascinating historical fiction/fantasy about mermaids, sideshows, queer love, race, power, found families and more. And it is gorgeously illustrated inside and out. Big swoon.

And be sure to check your package because we’re dropping Fiesta medals in to celebrate 5 years of Strangelings! (I believe we still have a few left if you want to join the club this month, but hurry before they’re gone.)

And if you’re a member of the Nightmares from Nowhere Book Club you’re getting one of my favorite books of the year, The Devils by Joe Abercrombie. This is one of those books that I recommend to both horror lovers and non-horror lovers because even though it is filled with vampires, ghosts, zombies, necromancers and a bit of gore, it is also tremendously smart and funny. Like if Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy was possessed by demons. It’s the first in a series but it ends in a way that leaves you wanting more but is satisfying enough alone.

And if two books are not enough to distract you from the world being on fire, I got you. Here’s are a few other new May releases I loved:

The Butcher’s Daughter: The Hitherto Untold Story of Mrs. Lovett by Corinne Legh Clark and David Demchuk – The story of the vengeful barber Sweeney Todd has gripped fans but little has been told of Mrs. Lovett, Todd’s partner in crime. Until now.  A bloodcurdling correspondence of horror and intrigue, based on the original Victorian penny dreadful that started it all.

The Incandescent by Emily Tesh – Did you read Naomi Novik’s Scholomance series about a dark and dangerous magical boarding school?  It’s like that but from the perspective of the teachers.  If you’ve been or loved a teacher you’ll love this one.

The True Happiness Company: How a Girl Like Me Falls for a Cult Like That By Veena Dinavahi – In this wrenching, darkly funny memoir, a young Indian American woman’s quest for mental health is derailed by a charismatic alternative therapist who pulls her into his Mormon self-help cult.  Riveting.

We Can Do Hard Things by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach and Amanda Doyle. I love these people and this book.

Little Troublemaker Defends Her Name by Luvvie Ajayi – A lovely children’s book by my friend Luvvie for every child who could never find their name on a keychain.

Happy reading!

We’re moving to a smaller place and so I’ve been selling some things on Facebook marketplace, and I started with just normal descriptions but then I got bored and everything I’m posting now is ridiculous but I figure if I’m going to write ad copy it’s going to be entertaining, even if it’s just to me.

But I’m pretty sure I fucked with the algorithm because below are 15 of the local suggestions that have been given to me this week, and they are slightly terrifying because several of them are really speaking to me and I have to keep reminding myself that I need to be downsizing.

Am I the only one who gets stuff like this?

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Yesterday I was at the hospital getting an endoscopy and biopsies for yet another terrible autoimmune thing that I don’t even remember the name of because my body has decided I have to have all of them and after I got into a bed the nurse told me to think of a song to play during the procedure because the doctor now lets you pick what plays while you go under anesthesia, and I’m 99% sure this is because of my husband turning into a werewolf. See, last year Victor had a procedure at the same place and when I came to see him in the recovery room he was very loopy and distraught because he insisted that he’d turned into a werewolf during the procedure and had ripped off the arms of his doctor. I explained that he was just still high but he was like, “They were playing Werewolves of London when I went under. WHAT DID THEY THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN? HOW WILL HE BE A DOCTOR WITH NO ARMS?” and eventually we had to get the doctor to come back to prove he still had his arms and even then Victor wasn’t entirely convinced.

Of course my head immediately went blank of any appropriate songs I’ve ever known and instead Victor and I started listing all of the songs I could request, including:

Norwegian Death Metal

Gin & Juice

Rawhide

That song that plays when Darth Vader is walking anywhere

The Liberty Mutual jingle that is basically just the word “Liberty” repeated over and over

The Oscar Mayer Weiner Song

My Vagina is Eight Miles Wide

The Czechoslovakian National Anthem

My Humps, My Humps, My Lovely Lady Lumps

The Meow Mix Jingle

The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round

Mister, Would You Please Help my Pony?

My Milkshake Brings All The Boys to the Yard

I also considered and then ruled out a number of songs that would be fun but possibly dangerous to play during a procedure, including The Hokey Pokey, The Macarena, Deep in the Heart of Texas and If You’re Happy and You know It Clap Your Hands.

Then the nurse came back because she thought I was crying because I guess most people aren’t laughing hysterically while waiting for stomach biopsies and in the end I couldn’t come up with anything good so I asked for Girl, You’ll Be a Woman Soon, which has some pretty questionable lyrics but is still a banger.

Spoiler: I survived and didn’t rip off anyone’s arms.

But today when I was walking Dorothy Barker I waved to the mailman and he was like, “Ow. Are you okay?” because it took several tries to get my IV in and I guess I blew out a vein because this is my arm today:

And then I said I was fine and that it was not from heroin, which probably seemed abrupt now that I think about it.

Anyway, please share any song suggestions that I missed because I’m sure there are lots of them.

My friend Xan sent me some giant easter bunny for Bone Crawford and I love them but…

Bone Crawford is no more. Or, actually she still exists but I had to take her down because we’re selling this house and moving to a smaller one in the same neighborhood because this house feels too big and empty now that Hailey has moved away to college. Sadly, Bone Crawford is one of MANY things that I now have to find new homes for because so much stuff doesn’t fit. I gave away a truckload of stuff and I’m going to put some stuff on eBay to help fund Hailey’s college but I have a shocking amount of weird shit that is too big to ship anywhere and my neighborhood doesn’t allow garage sales. Ideally I’d find a San Antonio collector with lots of space and weird tastes but I’m not super hopeful because here are just a few of the many, many things I need to sell:

The (working) head of a Middle-earth tree Ent.

Hand-painted 3-foot-tall faces of George and Martha Washington.

An entire footlocker filled with vintage mother-of-pearl buttons from a button factory, but they’re filthy and all need to be cleaned because the factory was abandoned for decades.

A very old plastic horse that I bought for Nowhere but it didn’t fit.

Bertram, the giant bear head.

An old english pram. Taxidermied head included, if needed.

An art door that I thought I could use as a real door but it didn’t fit anywhere.

A Victorian roller cranking organ with 10 incredibly haunted sounding songs on cobs.

Marie Antoinette parade statue from the 50s on top of a display filled with a dozen tiny wooden houses I built.

Literally dozens of weird prints on old book pages.

A wearable dress made out of damaged copies of my books.

A TARDIS bookcase that is too small for you to get into unless you are a baby.

A creaky victorian fold-up ladder that will absolutely not hold your weight even if you are said baby.

Also, a shocking amount of taxidermied animals in clothes, a number of haunted dolls (including one that moves), a communion tray of glasses in case you want to do a lot of shots with Jesus, an actual robot on wheels I bough during covid so that people could visit the store virtually but we ended up not using because the team thought it was too creepy, a metal chicken mixer where the drink pours out of the beak like it’s throwing up your cocktail, a purse made out of an alligator foot, and a partridge in a pear tree.

PS. The giant easter bunny ears were not wasted, as Sir Terry Scratchett is now happily wearing them at Nowhere:

Y’all. I’ve been a bit of a wreck lately and part of that is another bout of pernicious anemia (which absolutely sounds like a Lemony Snicket disease) and also some other autoimmune disease (BECAUSE I GUESS I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH?) that I haven’t been able to get tested for because the doctor says I’m too weak to be under anesthesia now, but with added shots and meds I’m actually feeling almost human today (FUCKING WHOOP!) and was just reading the local news when this popped up and I literally cried.

I don’t know how to embed so you have to click on this but just…ow, my heart. I want to hug everyone on the Nowhere team and everyone who has ever loved us. Sometimes you don’t know how much you need some unexpected joy until it shows up.

And on Saturday if you’re near San Antonio you should come to the San Antonio Book Festival because it’s free, it’s fun and it’s amazing. So many of my favorite authors are going to be there doing talks and signings. I’ll be there at 10am interviewing comedian Aida Rodriguez about her incredible book, Legitimate Kid and then I’ll be in the Nowhere tent right afterward.

Come say hi, or just wave from afar if you’re an introvert like me. I’ll be hiding under a table probably.