Like Mother Teresa, only better.
Last night I woke up with what I was pretty sure was a brilliant mathematic epiphany that I quickly jotted down on my phone notes and this is what it was:
“6 upside down is 9. And 9 upside down is 6. But 69 upside down is still 69 and that’s why I don’t trust math.”
So. Yeah.
As heavily requested, this is a follow-up to Friday’s post (“WHAT IS THE MYSTERIOUS GIANT CIRCULAR POOP IN MY YARD“).
In all honesty I should tell you that I did not expect this to blow up. I keep getting these emails from social media consultants telling me that I should hire them because I’m doing it wrong and that my content doesn’t make sense for my brand. And that’s ridiculous because if I even have a brand I’m pretty sure that “doing it wrong” and “not making sense” is it. (Why am I getting so many of these? Am I on a list? Is there a discord of social media consultants just wondering why I suck so much?) And that’s why I was thrilled to post 5 instagram videos in a row all about the large poop-ish mystery object I found in my yard, none of which actually gave any satisfying answers at all.
But then turns out that those videos got a half million views and suddenly I have 1,000 new followers and now I feel like I need to tell those thousand new people to unfollow me because “bizarre oversized poop dissection” is not my normal content and now I feel like I’ve tricked people into thinking I’m a big-deal mystery poop influencer and I hate disappointing people. So I guess branding is important after all?
All of that to say that I think we have actually solved the riddle of the WHAT IS THIS THING?
As requested, I did a few more experiments. First, I smelled it…it smells like…feet and dirt, I guess? Like elementary school PE, if that makes sense. Then I dropped it in water. It sort of floated but did not dissolve, so I was able to cross “terrible bath-bomb made my hedge witches” off the list of possibilities. There were several other suggestions that shared, including:
Dried osage orange
Bezoar from a goats stomach
Croquet ball
Overly-ambitious dung beetle collection
Oak gall
Fairy gift
Vegan hash brownie
Wildflower seed ball
A bad rock
Whiskey ball (didn’t even know this was a thing until now)
Giant Ferrero Rocher.
And…the inside of a baseball.
And I ruled the baseball one out at first because I thought baseballs were made of string and rubber but turns out some of them are just…this:
And the third one kinda looks like the inside of whatever it is I found?
That feels anticlimactic though so let’s say it’s the inside of a baseball which was left by fairies. Everyone wins.
How has your day been, Jenny?
Weird, internet. It’s been weird.
I have been spending the day doing science because of a mysterious object I found in my yard and I need help.
Ready?
Here’s how it started this morning:
The internet was properly fascinated and demanded that I open it up to see if it was poop or an owl pellet.
I asked Victor to come film me cutting up a mysterious poop I found in the yard and he just stared at me because I guess he was on a conference call. Then I texted Hailey to come help but they were using their spring break to sleep and I guess they hate natural curiosity.
So instead I strapped my phone to my boobs because I care.
The internet had many suggestions (see comments on instagram because they are brilliant). My sister theorized it was bigfoot poop and that the reason we never find their scat is because it rolls away with the wind. I used google images to do a reverse search and google told me it was a mushroom called “DEAD MAN’S FOOT” or “DOG TURD FUNGUS” and that seems like a maybe but turns out that mushroom is squishy, so that wasn’t it and then google was like, “WELL IF IT ISN’T A DOG TURD IT’S PROBABLY AN UNCUT DIAMOND” and that’s when I realized google was just as clueless as I was.
But I wasn’t going to stop because this was more intriguing than all the Kate Middleton rabbit holes I’ve fallen into so I decided to keep trying:
That one was a little embarrassing, but much like Marie Curie, I was not going to quit. And things worked out for her, I think?
I was then spotted by another neighbor. This one seemed more concerned and asked if I was okay.
Later, Hailey was like, “Why wouldn’t you just say ‘I’m fine’ instead of ‘I FOUND A POOP'”? And I understand that that might seem more normal on the outside but this woman just stopped her car to watch me beat a poop with a shovel while I had a camera strapped to my chest so I’m pretty sure, “I’m fine. Nothing to see here” would be way more suspicious.
And then I came inside and was like, “Where is our axe?” and Victor was like, “WHERE IS OUR WHAT?” and turns out that’s what was needed to get him involved:
And that’s where we are. I still don’t know what it is. Is it a petrified mushroom? A seed pod? A weird looking ball made of wood? An alien? A dragon egg? Do I need to set it on fire? All theories welcome.
So, my head has been mushy lately, which you can probably tell because when my depression gets weird I tend to post here less because my focus goes to shit, I get paralyzed and then my brain tells me no one wants to hear from me…FUN TIMES.
My therapist rightly pointed out that I haven’t been as physically active lately and reminded me that physical activity can be as effective as meds and that’s probably true, but I’m soaking in depression exhaustion so I need a good motivation to go for walks, and one of the best motivations for me is a fabulous podcast that is so fascinating that I don’t want it to stop so I’ll just keep walking until it’s over.
So, give me good podcasts to listen to. Preferably fascinating, true stories, ridiculous humor, true crime, or low-stakes drama.
I listen to too many to list but here are a few podcasts I’ve loved lately in case you’re looking for something new:
Okay, your turn…what have you been loving lately?
I like to imagine that every member of our Nowhere Bookclubs looks exactly like this when your book arrives each month:
If not, please learn the dance moves immediately.
Ready to see what we’re sending the Fantastic Strangelings Book Club this month?
It’s King Nyx by Kirsten Bakis, a strange and dreamlike gothic mystery. This twisty, psychological thriller grabbed me and didn’t let go. It’s a contemporary feminist tale with the mood and weirdness of a classic gothic novel that is still haunting me. (And there might be a special surprise inside your book if we can get our shit together.)
And if you’re a member of the Nightmares from Nowhere Book Club then you’ll be getting DIAVOLA by Jennifer Thorne, which is haunting in a totally different sort of way. Beautifully unhinged and deeply satisfying, Diavola is a sharp twist on the classic haunted house story, exploring loneliness, belonging, and the seemingly inescapable bonds of family mythology. It’s one of the most anticipated books of this year for good reason. I devoured it.
And we currently have a few spots available in both clubs if you’re interested in joining up with us. Here’s a link if you want in.
Need more than one book to get you through the month? I didn’t get to read as many new releases as I wanted to because I’m trying to hit a deadline, but here are a few March new releases I liked:
The Other Valley by Scott Alexander Howard – A strange, speculative novel about an isolated valley surrounded on each side by identical valleys on different timelines…one that is twenty years in the past and one twenty years in the future. Weird, but fascinating.
The Extinction of Irena Rey by Jennifer Croft – Eight translators arrive at a house in a primeval Polish forest. It belongs to the world-renowned author Irena Rey, and they are there to translate her magnum opus, Gray Eminence. But within days of their arrival, Irena disappears without a trace. This one is confusing at times but will probably win a lot of awards.
Headshot by Rita Bullwinkel – A quick read looking into the minds of young girls competing in a boxing match. I didn’t think it would be for me but I read the first few pages and it sucked me right in. Beautifully written.
The Angel of Indian Lake by Stephen Graham Jones – This is the final book in the horror trilogy and I was so worried it wouldn’t wrap everything up but it was very satisfying. Complicated…but satisfying. If you haven’t read the first one (My Heart is a Chainsaw) and you’re a fan of slasher movies I highly recommend it.
Stitches by Hirokatsu Kihara and Junji Ito – A collection of urban legends illustrated by master of horror, Junji Ito. It’s not the book I’d suggest starting out with if you’re new to the genre, but if you’re a Junji Ito completionist you’ll want to pick it up.
And as alway, thank you for your support! We literally wouldn’t exist without you.
It’s Friday and that means that it’s time for you to take a 10 minute break, come into my office and sit next to me as I show you all of the videos I’ve saved for you this last month. LET’S GOOOOOO.
Wait for it.
Literally Victor and I:
It do be like that sometimes:
Happy early weekend, y’all.
