Search Results for “pick your battles” – Page 3

Geraldo the Giant Giraffe

Occasionally I visit the same store where years ago I bought Beyoncé the Giant Metal Chicken. Usually it’s all pillows and dog toys and wicker baskets. Sometimes you’ll find a largish metal lobster and once there was a full-sized horse made of wine corks and sticks, but it’s never anything that really screams, “HEY, I’M FUCKING INSANE“.Continue reading “Geraldo the Giant Giraffe”

I am the suspicious activity on my account.

For the last couple of years our credit/debit card has been cancelled over and over because of “suspicious activity.” I never know that my card been cancelled until my card is turned down by an uncomfortable cashier, and that’s always nice because it’s such a great self-esteem booster when your card gets declined at the drugstore when you’re buying toiletContinue reading “I am the suspicious activity on my account.”

A friend for Beyonce.

Conversation with Victor: me: I FOUND A MAILBOX FOR US. Victor: We don’t need a mailbox. me: And yet I still found one. It’s like a goddamn Christmas miracle. Victor: Yeah. You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means. me: Miracle? It means “A person or thing thatContinue reading “A friend for Beyonce.”

Happy anniversary, Victor.

In a few minutes it will be the 4th of July. It will also be mine and Victor’s 17th anniversary. I usually celebrate anniversaries with giant metal chickens, or unexpected sloths, or tiny kangaroos in the house, but this year I’m celebrating quietly and with dignity. Mostly because the live llama delivery place said theyContinue reading “Happy anniversary, Victor.”

Beyonce

Several people have asked if we still have Beyonce-the-giant-metal-chicken. OF COURSE WE DO. Beyonce right this second: Country life agrees with him. Except for the hornets nest inside his belly, which, now that I think about it, sort of works as an organic burglar alarm. No one ever expects to battle angry hornets when tryingContinue reading “Beyonce”

UPDATED: The man deserves a damn medal

UPDATED: SEE BELOW… Today is mine and Victor’s 16th anniversary, which is sort of insane. You might remember last year, when I declared 15 year anniversaries should be marked with unexpected giant metal chickens at the door. This year I had to outdo Beyonce (the giant metal chicken, not the singer. I try not toContinue reading “UPDATED: The man deserves a damn medal”