A friend for Beyonce.

in Random Crap

Conversation with Victor:

me: I FOUND A MAILBOX FOR US.

Victor: We don’t need a mailbox.

me: And yet I still found one.  It’s like a goddamn Christmas miracle.

You've got mail, motherfucker.

Victor: Yeah.  You keep using that word.  I don’t think it means what you think it means.

me:  Miracle?  It means “A person or thing that is a marvelous example of something.”  I fucking dare you to find a more marvelous example of a metal chicken mailbox.  It’s the Beyonce of mailboxes.

Victor:  I’m taking all of your credit cards.

PS. I did not buy Miracle (the metal chicken mailbox) mostly because Victor accidentally quoted Princess Bride and it made me fall in love with him all over again.  And also because I felt bad about all the dead mice that I’d bought on ebay that morning.  Victor was not nearly as grateful as I thought he’d be because apparently Victor doesn’t understand how “compromise” works.  And also because he hadn’t been aware that I was buying a lot of dead mice on ebay.  And also, possibly, because he may have overheard me put an unnecessary metal chicken mailbox on layaway.  Honestly, it’s hard to tell with Victor.  That man is completely unpredictable.

218 thoughts on “A friend for Beyonce.”

Read comments below or add one.

  6. It’s weird – the front flap looks kind of like a cat’s ass, without really taking away from the overall chicken-ness of the mailbox.

  12. As cock-themed mailboxes go – yep that’s a winner.

    Completely unrelated question – have you had all your tetanus shots?

  14. He IS sneaky and wily, that man. But I adore that he pulled a Princess Bride by accident.

    Then again, if he’s gonna pull a Princess Bride for a Beyoncé mailbox, it should’ve been “As you wish.”

  15. I pass a similar awesome metal rooster mailbox on the way to work. I always want to take a picture and send it to you with a note “I’ve found Beyonce’s husband!” but then I don’t take the pic because I’d think that would piss Beyonce off, and she’d be all “I can pick my own damn husband and I wouldn’t pick HIM if there was a worldwide outbreak of rust that took all the metal roosters down to dust.” Apparwbtly I think about Beyonce waaayyy too much. 🙂 Hope she enjoys her new friend!

  16. I want to have a sound byte that says “You’ve got mail motherfucker” every time I get an email at work

  27. Wouldn’t the past tense be Princess Brode? You know, ride, rode. Bride, brode.

  28. Miracle needs to be on a t-shirt with the phrase, “You’ve got mail, motherfucker” on it. Absolutely.

  31. Huh. Totally thought I saw “accidentally Princess Bride.” Carry on.

    (You did. I fixed it. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  32. I mean if you NEED the dead mice then it’s ok to go to Ebay….and it’s a mailbox that says, “Here’s your fucking mail!” Then again Princess Bride? ~shudder It COULD have ruined the Beyonce mailbox like totally. I think you made the best call you could given the circumstances. ~nod

  33. I just had a less impressive miracle on Weds. I found the perfect throw pillows at our UU church rummage sale. As I waxed poetic about how they perfectly matched our living room, my husband quipped, “it’s a Christmas miracle.” A miracle at a UU church? That’s like a double miracle or an oxymoron. One of those.

  37. Hello, my name is Miracle Mailbox, I have your mail, prepare to die. (motherfucker)

  38. You should so go to Trade Days at Canton, TX. It is the capitol of metal chickens. Apparently there is a demand for them now. I tried to take a picture of one but I was stopped. Some rogue metal welders are going around taking pictures of metal chickens made of scrap metal so they can make their own and sell for a profit. Somehow I seem to look like a welder. I’m thinking about investing in the metal chicken business. Funny though, I didn’t see anyone leaving with one.

  39. I all of a sudden have the urge to send you a letter, motherfucker. (I say that with love)

  41. I wouldn’t care if I had 50 mailboxes. If I saw THAT one I would procure it immediately. That is one of the most awesome things I’ve ever seen. And I can tell, that if Victor didn’t have you around he would DIE of boredom.

  43. Omg that is a total miraculous find!!! You absolutely need that mailbox!!! What is victor thinking?!?!

  44. I’m so disappointed that you did’t get it. Imagine being able to say that “I’ve got mail in my cockbox”; what a conversation starter! That Victor has no imagination……

  47. I keep driving past a metal chicken (in the Austin area) and think of you every time I see it. It’s for sale. At a little corner shop.

  48. JENNY. Victor seems like he’s actually pretty with it. Do you REALLY think that Princess Bride reference was an ACCIDENT? Maybe he’s just a very smooth operator. I bet he is.

  49. It’s too bad my kids can read. My husband prints t-shirts, and I’m getting “you’ve got mail, motherfucker” on a shirt anyway. I just won’t wear it to parent teacher conferences. Hopefully. Maybe. I’ll send you one so you can taunt Victor with it.

  50. I just laughed so hard I snorted. That is apparently frowned upon in the posh, hipster restaurant I’m sitting in. Their loss.

  51. When you get the mailbox off of layaway you should use it as a home for the dead mice!

  52. Victor definitely won that one. Using a Princess Bride quote seamlessly in your everyday life always wins.

  53. But just think of how incredibly wonderful it would be to be delivered said dead mice IN a Beyonce mailbox! (;

  54. oh, i just want to buy that mailbox for you because you make me laugh out loud on a regular basis. you are so awesome. even more awesome than that mailbox. thanks for you.

  60. You know someone is going to send you one of these. You hay end up with an entire front or backyard full of them.

  61. I just had to go see what kind of dead mice were available on eBay. Slim pickings now, since you obviously scooped up a bunch.

  62. Very nice mailbox, but don’t you think an actual hollowed out stuffed chicken would have been more owner appropriate?

  65. I feel like this is more of a “I dare you to not get tetanus” game for your mailman.

    Which is fun, sometimes.

  66. I wish I didn’t live in a townhome, because I would buy that shit up. I still might, just to piss off the association.

  68. Has Victor never heard of socialization? Of COURSE Beyonce needs a friend. Just think that if you hadn’t bought this, Social Services might even now be knocking on your door to remove her!

  69. A perfect companion for Beyonce. She is probably lonely, being the only metal chicken in the neighborhood.

  71. Inconceivable! Obviously Victor has fallen off the cliffs of insanity. That’s the only fucking explanation of why he didn’t fall in love with Miracle on the spot.

  72. You to Victor: Please buy the miracle mailbox for me. Dead mice all arrive in it for me as well.
    Victor: …..as you wish.

  73. i dont see the problem. i know if it were my mailbox id love to rock out with my cock out – men just dont get it…

  74. I hope it’s not as sharp as Beyonce. “This chicken WILL cut you!!” Poor mailmanwoman.

  75. I guess now wouldn’t be a good time to tell you there is a giant purple chicken for sale near Waldo, FL? In other news, hey, I found Waldo! The bastard was hiding in Florida the whole time.

    <3,
    -J

  76. Seriously girlfriend, the funniest phrase in this whole piece is that you put a metal chicken mailbox on layaway. I did not know that was possible. Also, dead mice should be welcomed at your home by something whimsical. It sets the tone for their whole stay with you. You know, before Victor wins them all in a property settlement.

  77. Insanity looks so fucking good on you, Jenny. I’d hate to find out what you’d be like if you weren’t completely and totally bonkers.

  80. Did you guys move Beyonce with you? I would have loved to hear Victor’s thoughts on that.

    I was at the grocery store the other day and they had a big metal chicken in the wine section. A metal chicken with wine. I wanted to take a picture so bad but there were two employees looking suspiciously at me and I chickened out (yeah, I went there).

    I failed you Bloggess.

  82. I actually have a small (key fob size) recording device that can record a 10 second message (more that enough time for your message) and it plays when a button is pushed. It could easily be rigged to give your mail message when the lid in opened and closed. I can either mail it to you, or I will be in Austin/Hill Country in a couple of weeks.
    Gotta say I really enjoy reading about your crazy life. Sorta like watching “Hoarders: Buried Alive” and then not feeling so bad about my mess. And when I say “crazy” I say it with love. We probably are on the same meds.

  83. I absolutely LOVE this mailbox….and it makes me happy that you fell in love with Victor all over again!!! Does he have a brother or a father???

  84. You make me smile and I love the hilarity to bring into my life.
    Thank you !! ?

  85. I am frigging jealous of Kim who became BFF with the Bloggess.

    FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    (I am sure that Miracle is not in your life at this time but then there is always the Halloween Miracle that the Great Pumpkin will appear to give a Miracle).

  90. I love this. I would totally park in front of it and tell you were cock blocked ALL THE TIME!

  92. But, you NEED that mailbox. Message me the info and your mailing address. I’ll take up a collection.

  94. I sent this link to my husband via IM. His response:

    sonuva
    good thing we don’t need a mailbox
    NO

    Our anniversary IS coming up soon…

  96. My impression of Texas is that everyone has replicas of dead animals somewhere in their house. That’s true, no?

  97. Is that a little chicken under Miracle’s wing?
    Seriously, how can anyone resist that?

  98. It looks… sharp. Also, it appears to come pre-rusted. Is that a “feature”? Or is it a price bargaining point?
    I agree with the person who said the mailman will need to make sure his tetanus vaccine is up to date.

  102. You have to have this mailbox! I’m feeling quite panicky about it. YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO CAN OWN THIS MAILBOX! And then you have to order eggs so you can watch your mailman manually put eggs back in a chicken. I know it’s a rooster, but still. Knock knock Motherfucker.

  103. OMG I need a mailbox just like that. Wilhelmina Mailbawks would CUT the jerks who steal my mail, and then I would get my mail and it really would be a miracle.

  106. my kiddo’s hamster died just the other day. when we were deciding what to do with her body the thought of making her adorable clothes and selling her on ebay did crossed my mind.

  107. Oh, but everyone needs a Miracle at some point in their life!!

    Quoting The Princess Bride! How I wish my husband would do that!! Victor you are forgiven!

  109. Victor needs to get his priorities straight, and to remember to never go in against a Sicilian when DEATH is on the line!

  111. And yet…….you love him (and I think he maybe loves you too). It’s so great!!! It’s like you two are the Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy of the Metal-Chicken-Dead-Rodent-Home-Décor world!!! You two make me believe in love again. I really didn’t think that was possible after receiving the wedding pictures of my brother and his latest loser bride.

  115. Well he should be thankful, cause at least it isn’t a mailbox full of towels.

  116. You require a mailbox for your office. No one may enter without first submitting a proposal into the mailbox. If you accept, you raise a wing. If not? death.

  119. I can’t compete with all the posts. So I will just say, “well played motherfucker, well played.”

  121. It would be great if the head came down and picked at the ground when you opened it. That’s a million $ idea free to anyone who wants it. :>)

  124. I love you. I love your husband.. but not in a weird way.. I promise.. well.. maybe in a weird way. But I’m not a stalker, so you are safe.

  126. He may be unpredictable, but at least he doesn’t have six fingers on his right-hand (I assume, since you haven’t mentioned that.) “So tweasure your wuv.”

  127. That is absolutely beautiful. It also looks a little dangerous to open. It would make getting only junk mail a little less sucky.

    I’m clicking around trying to find out how much this mailbox actually costs. I’m pretty sure my husband would not approve.

  128. Awesome as that mailbox is, I feel like it might give the mailman tetanus. Postmen = not a demographic to injure or tick-off.

  129. I’ll shop with you any time, I promise not to quote movies we all love and bring a credit card!

  130. There’s a house near where I live that has a giant metal chicken in their front yard. I keep saying I’m going to stop and ask them where they found their awesome chicken, but I haven’t yet. I need to get a picture for the Beyonce Facebook page.

  131. I think Beyonce’s boyfriend is standing out side of the Frisco shop on Burnet Road.

  132. Funny post, as usual! Would you please take a picture of the front of your house and yard and post it? I’d love to see everything you have on display!

  133. This is just one more reason why TheBloggess is one of my favorite people in the world. Thank you!

  134. When I saw this, I thought “Oh, another metal something? That would just be overkill. Jenny’s jumped the giant metal shark, for sure, this time..” but then? That mailbox is freakin’ perfect for you. I can’t wait to see all the ebay dead mice delivered to you in it!

  135. Does this mean the mail box IS available? Or is not available. Is this chicken mailbox in financial purgatory waiting for Victor to give back your credit cards? Because I’ve fallen in love with this mailbox and have named it Victor. That name just came to me. Like a fucking Christmas miracle. I’ll pinky wrestle you for it. Oh wait, no pinkies. Darn.

  136. Made me laugh out loud! I’m glad to know I’m not the only one with a husband who likes to quote The Princess Bride in what are semi-normal conversations. 🙂

  138. OMG. @Kim: She was cockblocked on her cockbox!

    That’s just so very wrong…especially with that “handle” on the front.

    Awesome.

  142. If someone hit it…you could yell chicken down!!!chicken down!!! P.S. don’t be drunk and check mail…looks sharp!

  143. OMG the Beyonce Miracle mailbox, I want this…… oh wait they don’t deliver mail to our house, well they use to but now they don’t. LOL I remember getting a letter from the Post Master General that said no mail person would be ever ever EVER be delivering mail to my house. Well Fuck you mail person, you didn’t deliver the mail properly anyway which is why I was always calling to report you. When they fired your sorry ass they found 7 months of mail hidden in your truck. I would still like that mailbox though LOL

  144. You need that mailbox even more than those towels you fought over. For reals. In fact, I’d buy it for you if I knew where you lived, that’s how bad you need it!

  145. Oh, I was in a woe is me kind of mood and your post just giggled that right out of me. Thanks for nothing. Now I can’t lie in bed and brood anymore. You’re such a bi-y-atch.

  146. These days whenever someone mentions Beyonce, I first assume they are referring to your giant chicken and wonder why I haven’t already heard whatever tale they are about to share aaaaaand then I realize they are talking about the singer. My priorities ain’t just sorted, they have been collated by wil Wheaton himself.

  148. I would love nothing more than if someone would come up with a way that you could “register” for everything you want, across the web, in one central location. Your gift registry would be fantastic AND read like a serial killer’s wish list, and how many things can you really say that about?

  151. Victor is great, he reminds me of my boyfriend a lot. Thinks I am nuts, yet sticks with it, making underhanded verbal observations to keep himself sane.

  152. I’d like to be there when the dead mice get delivered into the chicken mailbox.

  153. That damn box has a cock of its own! I didn’t think you could get tetanus from a penis, let alone a chicken penis…

    OMG. Will Beyonce be jealous? Of the Post Office’s, erm, handling?

  154. My first thought was, how can you argue with someone quoting the Princess Bride?

  156. I always do a search before I make a comment . . . just to see if my genius insight has already been said. It has. On another note, as of this comment the phrase “dead mice” appears in the post and the comments a total of 12 times.

  159. Um, not to get all technical, but if you got this, wouldn’t the appropriate phrase be “You’ve Got Mail Mother-Clucker”?

  160. Does that mailbox have a big rusty, curvy tail of excellence? Or is it just some random shit leaning against the fence behind it? The (small) rational part of my mind thinks it’s the latter, but I just can’t un-see it that tail…

  163. Oh I agree about Victor being unpredictable… like the time he just shut the door on Beyonce? Who could ever do that ?! Victor.That’s who.

  166. The handle on the door part is such a missed opportunity. A simple drawer pull sort of thing would have sufficed, but the way they went with it puts me in mind of an Alien chestburster, which would have been far more entertaining.

  167. Make sure you write down somewhere that you bought the mice. Otherwise when they arrive in the mail you might think the cats have stolen your credit card…

  171. Honestly, as much affection as I have for Beyonce, that mailbox is a tetanus shot waiting to happen.

  173. Miracle (the tetanus inducing mailbox) has the finest rust and sharp edges lovingly created by our neighbors to the south?

  174. Reading the comments is ALMOST as wonderful as your posts!
    “Cockbox”, “..it will cut you”, “Jay-Z”, “…clucking outstanding.”, “US poultry service”
    Thanks to everyone for making me laugh! (Again)
    You’ve got mail motherfucker.

  175. It worries me that Victor threatens you with cutting off your money. Surely, he doesn’t have that power in your house and you only make this up for fun? I was involved in domestic terrorism and this rings true, but I hope not for your sake.

  179. Seriously, I’m not sure how you didn’t throw your clothes off and have your way with him, after the Princess Bride quote. Advice…picture Mandy Patankin rather than Andre the Giant…unless that’s your thing.

  181. Have you’ve heard of Walter Potters Museum of Curiosities? Check out amazingplanet.com, it was recently featured. Love your book, have read it twice and made several others read it!

  187. I need this to horrify the neighbors and my mail lady is like an uber bitch that sucks at getting mail in the right box. She needs to tango with the threat of tetanus! Break this chicken mother fucker!

  191. I can’t believe you gave up on Miracle for a Princess Bride quote. You’ll have to live with that forever. If you can call that “living”.

  192. Hmmmm… I am now a facebook follower of Beyonce, the Giant Metal Chicken.

    Some things you just don’t expect when you wake up in the morning.

  196. I fear your lettercarrier may cut his or her hand on the rusty edges! Fortunately the USPS makes sure their employees are up-to-date on their medical shots, so there should be no problems with lock-jaw for the federal employees, but problem a-plenty for mail thieves. So I guess that puts you one-up in favor of buying the mailbox.

  197. I think this is one of those moments where we all need to chip in to outsmart Victor, really. Maybe this is also a good time to start some fund, for when he makes you cut all your creditcards and – God forbid! – and have you for his permission to buy awesomeness.

  199. I think this mailbox is an “investment.”
    And it’s not towels.
    And anyone who quotes The Princess Bride, on purpose or not, gets my support.

  201. Buaaahahahahaha!!! Cock Box!

    Between your post and that comment, my week is made. 🙂

  202. i love this so much. i would also like to know what it feels like to be the first person a million people think of when they see a giant metal chicken. because that seems sort of significant.

  204. Since I live in a high rise condo complex and we have mail room, I am wondering if I found a gem like this and nailed it up next to where my slot is, would be mailman humor me??? I shall now be on the hunt for a cockbox to put it to the test-

  205. And this is why my husband forbides to live in the suburbs where there are HomeOwners Associations. Because we can’t have COCK BOXES!!! Amazing how it all makes sense.

  208. My only question is where did you find the chicken mailbox? It’s fantastic, and I think I truly am in the market for a new chicken mailbox!

  210. Found the last me/Victor post to leave this comment. Your conversations with your husband are priceless and never fail to crack me up. I stole the format/idea for my latest post. Thanks for the laughs and inspiration!

  214. I instantly thought Princess Bride when I read Victor’s reply to you and then shamed myself for being such a movie dork. Thank you for clearing my shame by commenting on how it made you fall in love with Victor all over again 🙂 I love the Princess Bride.

  215. As long as you’re not buying R.O.U.S’s on ebay you should be ok:-) My hubby & I quote Princess Bride too….Jimi: “How was your shift?“ Me: “I’ve been mostly dead all day“…pretty bad-eh? lol

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