several people suggested I use it for storing the Xmas tree but the built-in bookshelf is built over half of the “door” so it’s too small to put fit anything through it. I could barely squeeze through it and got stuck coming back out, which would have been an embarrassing way to die. Still no clue what it was. Grow room? Murder Pantry? Unfinished cabinet to A cut-rate Narnia? Panic room for cats? Discotheque for toddlers?
In other mysteries, I have been flooded with the weirdest sort of spam comments lately. They’re specific to the post but then absolutely insane at the end and they are cracking me up. A few new favorites:
”I’m so sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis AND ENJOY THE HOT SLUTTS IN ATLANTIC CITY TONIGHT!”
”Your book roundup lists always make me smile. FOR RECURRING TESTICULAR PAIN NEAR MUMBAI PLEASE VISIT.”
Is it some kind of AI? No clue.
This one is less of a mystery and more of a question…I’m refreshing my taxidermy outfits and can’t decide if Claude works as a showgirl or if he should stay with his old stand- by. Please sound off.
So. I’ve been busy with PET scans and CAT scans and tests and moving houses and stressing out about cancer and this all culminated into one of those panic attacks where my chest hurt so much I thought I was literally having a heart attack and it was a very hard week. BUT…
I heard back from my oncology surgeon and he said that he had very good news because the scans showed that my organs were “grossly normal” and “unremarkable” which seems like a very insulting way to give good news, BUT I WILL FUCKING TAKE IT.
Of course, I immediately started worrying that these results must be someone else’s because I am often “gross” but almost never “normal” and also, shouldn’t the scans have picked up the cancer in my stomach that we know is there? But the doctor said he wouldn’t have expected those tumors to show up on the scans because they are so small and slow-moving (which my neuroendocrine tumors are) and so helps this confirms that they are tiny and lazy and the tests were really there to just rule out that anything is large or growing. CAN I GET A HELL YEAH? Of course, I guess this also means that I could be teeming with teensy, lazy tumors hiding all over the rest of my body but my doctor was like, “OMG, you’re overthinking it, crazy. Celebrate the win.”
Then he mentioned that my scans did show some spinal deformities (probably from my rheumatoid arthritis) and that weirdly made feel better because having too much medical good news was so out-of-character that I was starting to suspect I was in some kind of coma because I was sure they’d at least find a silent twin or some sort of sentient growth.
So the tl:dr is that I’ll have to do endoscopies and biopsies every 4-6 months for the rest of my life to make sure the cancer in my stomach is staying as lazy as the rest of me, but aside from just fatigue and the crappiness of forever-testing, it (KNOCK ON ALL THE WOOD) may not bother me at all.
Aaaand in other good news (Is small, lazy cancer good news? I say so)…I’m 75% done unpacking, the cats are semi-adjusting to the new house, and my editor sent me a letter that she loved the draft my next book. ALL THE WHOOPS!
As proof of life, here is a picture of me unpacking 80 billion books. In my next life I’m going to collect less heavy things, like bags of farts, or scarfs made of cat fur.
Now I’m off to work on book edits. Wish me luck.
PS. Sorry this one isn’t very funny but I’ve had a lot on my plate. I promise I have funny stuff coming once I get past this next deadline.
PPS. I haven’t unpacked the giant hooded cat bed that Hunter S. Thomcat hides in when he’s freaked out so I got another one but I accidentally ordered one that is way too small for him to fit into and so instead he just puts it on his head and slinks around like a very strange turtle…
Last night I was trying to figure out who reminded me of and finally I was like, “OH, FUCKING MOZART!” and then Victor looked at me strangely because without context I guess it sounded like I was just really mad at Mozart and so I explained, “That’s who the cat reminds me of.” And he still looked confused (probably because Hunter wasn’t wearing his bed hat because he wanted me to seem even crazier than normal) and this is exactly why we’re going to re-watch Amadeus tonight.
So I wrote a post about having cancer and then disappeared here for a week. I’M SO SORRY.
I’m still trapped in moving hell and my computer was lost in the gazillion unopened moving boxes but this afternoon it turned up and so I am writing this in the middle on the night to tell you that I am still here and I’m just fine aside from the light concussion I gave myself a few days ago when I was sleeping on the couch (since my bed frame had been taken to the new house) and at 3am I woke up to the sound of Hunter S. Thomcat loudly drinking out of a giant glass of ice water I’d left beside me, so I went to dump it in the kitchen sink but I kept the lights off so I wouldn’t wake up all the way and that’s why I didn’t see the dangerously low-hanging chandelier that normally hangs over the now-missing kitchen table and that’s how I ended up completely drenched in a gallon of icey water and cat backwash as I was unexpectedly punched in the head by my own home, which is exactly the opposite of how to stay asleep.
I’m not sure any of this makes sense but in my defense, it’s very late and I have been concussed by a light fixture that I didn’t even like.
Although, now that I’m thinking about it…I could use your opinion. When we first moved in to our old house I didn’t like this chandelier and was going to change it out but then I got distracted for 12 years. Now that I have to get the house ready to sell I was thinking I should replace it with something less…I don’t know…jestery? Medieval? But the real estate agent said I should leave it because it’s lovely and now I can’t tell if I’m insane. What’s your vote on this? Hideous or lovely?
Woof. So, you may have noticed that I’ve been a bit MIA recently and that’s because I got some shitty news and I didn’t want to share until I had more information because I know you guys worry as much as I do, and also because I didn’t want to tell Hailey until they were done with finals and back home.
This is a longish story but I’ll try to make it shorter. So, I’ve been having problems with my blood (it’s such an asshole) and my doctor was like, “Let’s send you in for an endoscopy just to see what’s going on because your bloodwork is making me think you have another autoimmune disorder (I COLLECT THEM NOW) that’s affecting your stomach.” And I went in and it was fine except that I saw “intestinal metaplasia” on the paperwork and googled it up and got a little panicky because apparently that’s a precancerous thing where your stomach turns into an intestine (or something?) and that sounds bad, but I guess I didn’t need to worry about it being precancerous because for some reason the lab emailed me copies of the endoscopy report and turns out my body decided to be an overachiever and skipped right over “pre-cancer” and directly into cancer. Bleh.
And then I panicked because I was reading this super-academic biopsy email with terrifying words that I half-understood and so I texted my doctor: “Someone sent me my endoscopy results and I think I have cancer?”
They always say that you’re never prepared for the day when your doctor tells you that you have cancer, but I think you’re even less prepared for the day when you have to tell your doctor that you have cancer. Thankfully he called me right away and explained that yes, I did have cancer, but that if he had to choose a cancer to get this one would be in his top 10, which is weird that he has them ranked, but I guess slightly comforting.
It’s a very rare kind of cancer (BECAUSE OF FUCKING COURSE IT IS) and it’s in my stomach but it’s not stomach cancer, which is just confusing. Apparently I have neuroendocrine tumors, a type of cancer that can show up anywhere in your endocrine system (which is sort of all over?) I’m sorry. I’m not good at biology. But the good thing is that the tumors are incredibly “small and indolent”. When the doctor first told me that I thought he said the tumors were “indigent” but he clarified that they were “indolent” which is science-speak for “lazy” and I guess it’s nice that they match the rest of me.
There’s lots of different types of treatment because there are lots of different stages and such, but it’s very possible that these might just sit lazily in my stomach for years and years and do nothing except make me fatigued (which I already deal with). It’s a sort of cancer where sometimes chemo and surgery are used but (best case scenario) you can sometimes just have this cancer for 40 years and it never grows bigger. So now I’m waiting for CT scans and PET scans and all that jazz to make sure that it’s not in other places, but my bloodwork isn’t screaming, “HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?” so the doctors feel cautiously optimistic that I could definitely be one of the lucky people who just gets endoscopies every 6 months for the rest of my life to make sure that the cancer is being as lazy as the rest of me. I’m not sure if “cancer forever” is considered “lucky” but it’s not the worst thing I could think of.
I’m trying to make this a positive thing so I’m making myself say yes to things more. Life is short. I’m also using this to get out of anything I just don’t want to do. Things I haven’t been able to do in the last week: Clean the toilet. Take the dog out to pee after I already took off my bra. Not buy new sandals when they were on sale.
Honestly, I’ve been using it every day. “Victor, I can’t possibly wear these old shoes. I have cancer.” And this seems terrible except that cancer is terrible too and I’m not about to let it be the first terrible thing I’ve dealt with to turn me into a serious person. As with the many terrible things that I have dealt with, I will use dark humor and laughter to make it more manageable and I would ask that you don’t treat me any differently than you already do.
I was really worried that Victor was going to treat me differently because he was really freaked out the first week, but when I told him that the tests showed I had two tumors instead of one he was like, “That doesn’t surprise me. It’s called a ‘two-mer’…not a ‘one-mer’.” And that’s when I realized we were going to be fine.
Victor took a picture of me during one of my exams where I was doing heavy-metal devil horns but it looked ridiculous even for me so instead here’s one of me laughing right after he said something ridiculous.
I have more to share but this is too long and I’m tired so I’ll just say that there is more to come and everything is going to be fine no matter what.
I super crazy love you. Thank you for listening, friend.
This month’s new book releases held a few of my absolute favorites for the year, which made it quite hard to winnow them down to just two for my book club picks. A good problem to have though.
This month we’re sending Fantastic Strangelings When the Tides Held the Moon by Venessa Vida Kelley. It’s a fascinating historical fiction/fantasy about mermaids, sideshows, queer love, race, power, found families and more. And it is gorgeously illustrated inside and out. Big swoon.
And be sure to check your package because we’re dropping Fiesta medals in to celebrate 5 years of Strangelings! (I believe we still have a few left if you want to join the club this month, but hurry before they’re gone.)
And if you’re a member of the Nightmares from Nowhere Book Club you’re getting one of my favorite books of the year, The Devils by Joe Abercrombie. This is one of those books that I recommend to both horror lovers and non-horror lovers because even though it is filled with vampires, ghosts, zombies, necromancers and a bit of gore, it is also tremendously smart and funny. Like if Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy was possessed by demons. It’s the first in a series but it ends in a way that leaves you wanting more but is satisfying enough alone.
And if two books are not enough to distract you from the world being on fire, I got you. Here’s are a few other new May releases I loved:
The Butcher’s Daughter: The Hitherto Untold Story of Mrs. Lovettby Corinne Legh Clark and David Demchuk – The story of the vengeful barber Sweeney Todd has gripped fans but little has been told of Mrs. Lovett, Todd’s partner in crime. Until now. A bloodcurdling correspondence of horror and intrigue, based on the original Victorian penny dreadful that started it all.
The Incandescent by Emily Tesh – Did you read Naomi Novik’s Scholomance series about a dark and dangerous magical boarding school? It’s like that but from the perspective of the teachers. If you’ve been or loved a teacher you’ll love this one.
The True Happiness Company: How a Girl Like Me Falls for a Cult Like That By Veena Dinavahi – In this wrenching, darkly funny memoir, a young Indian American woman’s quest for mental health is derailed by a charismatic alternative therapist who pulls her into his Mormon self-help cult. Riveting.
We Can Do Hard Things by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach and Amanda Doyle. I love these people and this book.
Little Troublemaker Defends Her Name by Luvvie Ajayi – A lovely children’s book by my friend Luvvie for every child who could never find their name on a keychain.
We’re moving to a smaller place and so I’ve been selling some things on Facebook marketplace, and I started with just normal descriptions but then I got bored and everything I’m posting now is ridiculous but I figure if I’m going to write ad copy it’s going to be entertaining, even if it’s just to me.
But I’m pretty sure I fucked with the algorithm because below are 15 of the local suggestions that have been given to me this week, and they are slightly terrifying because several of them are really speaking to me and I have to keep reminding myself that I need to be downsizing.
The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”. Often irreverent, always honest.
Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.
Wonder and Joy for the Wired and Tired: Feeling wired, tired, and stretched too thin? You’re not alone. Re-ignite your sense of childlike wonder, joy, and well-being with this enlightening and entertaining book by Dr. Pam Stephens Lehenbauer, well-being thought leader and author of the blog, Mother Nature’s Apprentice.
Stuff and Thangs from Xanaru: A mostly funny stuff about my quest for happiness through stories, art, friendship, Great Danes, one naked weirdo alien cat and indiscriminate swearing.
How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.
Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic
