Eighth Argument I Had With Victor This Week (which I’m skipping the first part of because it wasn’t as entertaining and that’s how editing works.)
Victor: …Well, you can’t have your cake and eat it to.
Me: That phrase makes no sense. I totally can. In fact, the only way I can eat cake is if I have it. You can’t eat cake you don’t have. Unless it’s cake you ordered for dessert and I eat it all off your plate while you’re in the bathroom. Then I can have my cake and your cake and eat it too.
Victor: That’s not how the phrase works. You can’t eat your cake and have it too because if you ate your cake you wouldn’t have it anymore.
Me: Um…but you still totally have it. IN YOUR BELLY. Where it’s safest. That’s why smugglers always eat condoms filled with heroin. Because then you can eat it and then have it again after you leave the airport. So you can have your heroin and eat it too, but only after you shit out the condoms and sift through the poo, I guess. If you still wanted it, that is.
Victor: Let’s just stop talking.
Me: Seems like a good way to break yourself of wanting heroin really. Having to sort through your own poo to get it and then you have to put it up your nose? That’s a sinus infection just waiting to happen.
Victor: You’ve confused heroin with cocaine again.
Me: Basically, you can’t eat your cake and then have it too unless first you put your cake in condoms, swallow the condoms, shit them out, thoroughly wash and then open the condoms and then you can eat your cake. Again. Because technically you just ate it twice. I MEAN, JESUS, THAT’S HOW WRONG THAT SAYING IS. You can eat your cake and have your cake and eat it and have it and just keep going until you run out of condoms. That should be the new saying.
Victor: I don’t think that would fit on a t-shirt.
Me: Well, that doesn’t make it any less true.
Winner: Me, because this argument made me want cake so I got some ding-dongs at the gas station and they were delicious. Except now I want more but I don’t have any more because I ate them all and-OH MY GOD I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT PHRASE NOW. They should really change it to “You can’t enjoy the same piece of cake twice. That’s the tragedy of not enough cake.” That shit is a basic truth and it’s much more quotable.