They’re sort of like re-runs but if you have short-term memory loss they’re practically new. Plus two of them are new today so technically I don’t even know why I have this disclaimer.

July 16, 2009

in Random crap

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This week on my Sex Column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t a humorless asshole):

This week on the Houston Chronicle:

This week on “Ask the Bloggess“:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-write-but-wish-I did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

{ 25 comments }

The time I scared Blair from the Facts of Life.

July 14, 2009

in I am totally overrated, Posts that will get me hate mail, bizarre, conversations, mixing medications, no one thinks this is funny but me

First of all, let me clarify that all of this is completely fucking true.  Like, word-for-word.  Secondly, this might not be funny to anyone else but me but honestly this is my favorite marketer that I’ve ever dealt with in the history of the universe.  Remember Blair from Facts of Life?  Well her publicist contacted me and asked if I wanted to interview her.  Fucking, for real y’all. This is that story.  But kinda paraphrased because the publicist is kinda long winded and uses too many caps.

To: jenny @thebloggess.com

From: Holly

Sent: Wednesday, July 08, 2009 12:00 PM

Subject: Re: TV STAR MOM WHO REVEALS HOW SHE DOWN-SIZED & RAISED FAMILY ON A BUDGET

STAR OF NATIONAL HIT SHOW “FACTS OF LIFE” LISA WHELCHEL WHO WALKED AWAY FROM HOLLYWOOD, FAME & FORTUNE & DOWN-SIZED HER LIFE TO BECOME A MOM & A PASTOR’S WIFE SHARES HER TOOLS & TIPS FOR MOMS FOR RAISING A FAMILY ON A TIGHT BUDGET IN THESE TOUGH ECONOMIC TIMES

Lisa Whelchel’s story started out like a Hollywood fairytale but reality hit when she lost her lavish home and had to come up with creative solutions to stretch a tight household budget to raise her family on a pastor’s salary: She left home bound for Hollywood at just 12 years old, landed a coveted spot as a Disney Mouseketeer for “The New Mickey Mouse Club,” and then catapulted to national fame at just 16 years old as the star of the hit National Television Show “The Facts of Life” and became America’s sweetheart - but found herself suddenly thrust into the spotlight facing harsh criticism for her weight at a young and vulnerable age. She now reveals that producers brought scales out onto the set to weigh her and threatened that they would not film the show and would fire her if she didn’t lose weight. She and co-star Nancy McKeon responded by going out to lunch for hamburgers!

With her trademark sense of humor, optimism, and confidence, Lisa Whelchel stood up for herself and proved that she could overcome anything. She thrived and came out on top earning her place as America’s darling, successfully maintaining her role as Blair Warner for 9 years on “The Facts of Life” from 1979 to 1988.

Then, in a startling move, she walked away from it all and from Hollywood to become a pastor’s wife. She filmed the last episode of “The Facts of Life” in March 1988 and just 5 months later, she got married - to a young man she had met at church 2 years earlier, Steve. 10 months later she was expecting her 1st child - and would go on to have 3 children, 3 years in a row. Lisa has found being mother and a wife the most fulfilling role of her life - and has written more than 10 books jam-packed with tools and tips for busy moms to help them make the most of their lives and to make every dollar count.

Lisa Whelchel is currently on tour with the Nation’s Largest Women’s Conference - “Women of Faith” which has attracted nearly 4 Million women since it launched in 1996.

Lisa Whelchel is so committed to living a downsized life as a mom that she even passed on JENNIFER ANISTON’s Role on “FRIENDS” which was offered to her. That role made Jennifer Aniston’s career and she earned $25 Million in 2008 and was ranked the #8 highest earning celebrity in Hollywood on FORBES 2009 Celebrity 100 List. It’s difficult to imagine a more dramatic contrast to living on a pastor’s salary!

I hope you will consider an interview with LISA WHELCHEL for any Parenting Stories you may be working on or Trend Stories on how Women & Moms Are Helping Each Other Cope in this Recession. I look forward to hearing from you and to working together.

Holly

*****************

From: Jenny @thebloggess.com

Sent: Wednesday, July 08, 2009 1:22 PM

Hi Holly. So are you offering me a personal interview with Lisa or is this one of those mass interviews with a ton of bloggers and press?

Thanks!

~Jenny

*****************

From: Holly

Sent: Wednesday, July 08, 2009 3:23 PM

Jenny:

Please let me assure you this is not a mass interview by any means.  I can arrange an Email Interview for you with Lisa Whelchel — If you can share your Questions with me, I can secure direct, personal Answers from her. If you would prefer a phone interview, please let me know and I can explore that as well.  I look forward to working with you.

Holly

*****************

From: jenny @thebloggess.com

Sent: Wednesday, July 08, 2009 3:38 PM

Thanks, Holly!

Email works great for me. Here are my questions for Lisa. Depending on how things turn out these might be on my Houston Chronicle blog or one of my other columns.

1. Lisa, I adore you and you were my favorite girl on the Facts of Life (except when Molly Ringwald was on there that first season) because you always seemed more aware of your personal flaws even when they were most flagrant. So my question is, do you have Molly’s number and can I have it?

2. My four year old has a special name for her “private area” and somehow she decided it was called a “Tootie”. Being an avid watcher of Facts of Life, this disturbs me. Should I just let it go or insist she rename it? I want her to call it “vagina” because I think kids should use the proper terms for their body parts but my friend says it’s technically a “vulva” and that by calling it a “vagina” I am perpetrating a common misnomer. I just have a problem with a four-year-old saying “vulva”. Who’s right?

3. My sister is an avid homeschooler and I know you are a strong proponent of homeschooling but just between you and me, my sister is not really that bright. I mean, she’s street-smart, but I don’t think her kids really need to know the best way to buy dope and also my sister hasn’t done dope in years and so she probably wouldn’t even know the best way to buy dope now anyway. I don’t even think it’s *called* dope anymore. This is how little we now know about dope. My question is, don’t you have to be super smart to homeschool, and also what’s the new word for dope?

4. What’s the square root of 81? Just checking to make sure you’re qualified to answer question 3. If you have to look it up please note that in your answer.

5. What would you say is your biggest attribute besides your hair?

6. Your song, “Cover Me, Lord“, is very pretty but I think it would be more mainstream if it was something about getting shot at by radical non-Christians and you’re all “Cover me, Lord!” and he picks up a bazooka but in the end all the people he killed would be up in heaven with him because it’s a “Bazooka Of Salvation”. And then they’d all be like “Ah! You got me, Lord!” and point at him like those Mentos commercials. That would be awesome. This is less of a question than a suggestion, I guess.

7. Who do you like better…Jesus or God?

8. Trick question. The only acceptable answer is “both”. Although technically I have a soft spot for Jesus because you never see God’s hair in the pictures…just his hands sticking out of clouds. It’s weird.  What are the hands attached to? Am I not supposed to wonder if there’s something wrong with his face? Like maybe he has a bad scar or two noses. It’s unsettling. But I’d still love God even if he did have two noses.  Or maybe that’s a test to see if you really love God even if he has two noses. In fact, I think I’d probably love him even more because I would feel so bad for him because you know when people get to heaven and they’re all excited about seeing God and then he looks down with his two noses they’re all “Um…what…?” and he’s all *sad sigh*. That sucks for everybody. Except me because I don’t care how many noses God has. That’s how I roll.

9. But if Jesus and God were both trapped in a burning building and you could only save one, which one would you choose? I think I’d choose Jesus because he hasn’t lived as long. Except he’d probably feel guilty about his dad but technically he’s already died once and I think that’s probably enough for anyone except for Lazarus who had to die twice. I always wonder if Lazarus was ticked off the second time he died because he was all “Crap. Again?“

10. Do you think Lazarus was ticked off he had to die again?

11. We have a lot in common. We’re both Texas girls. You’ve written a lot of books. I’ve sat next to a lot of books. We both wore sweaters in the 80’s. I think we should be friends. But you have to be cool with my sense of humor. And with my sister who may or may not be able to buy us dope. Also, I don’t really do dope now that I’m a mom so if you do you have to do it outside because I don’t really need a contact high because I’m already on a lot of xanax and I have to be able to drive.

12. Your husband is a pastor. Whenever people talk about pastoral paintings I always think they’re talking about a painting with a bunch of pastors in it but usually they’re referring to pastures. Why don’t they say “pastural”?

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and answer my questions, Lisa. You really were an inspiration to me growing up and I wish you success in all you do. Now I’m going to go sing The Facts of Life theme song in my head for the rest of the night because it is completely stuck there now. Seriously, it is the most addictive theme song ever. Except maybe the WKRP song. That’s one’s worse.

Crap. Now I have the WKRP song stuck in my head.

Love,

Jenny

Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle & The Bloggess.com

*****************

From: Holly

Sent: Wednesday, July 08, 2009 7:09 PM

Jenny:

Thank you — I will forward your Questions to Lisa Whelchel and be back in touch with her Responses –

FYI — Lisa has called Dallas home for a number of years so she is based in Texas as well — and she will actually be appearing at the “Women of Faith” conference in Dallas on Aug 21-22 to share her story,  Although I realize that Dallas is nearly a 4 hr drive from Houston we actually generally do see ladies drive in from hours away for the conferences and stay at local hotels overnight — so that could be a local angle for the Houston market.

Either way, we would sincerely appreciate it if you would include a mention of Lisa’s involvement in “Women of Faith” in your article — and if possible, a link to our website www.womenoffaith.com

Thank you — I will be back in touch soon!

Holly

*****************

This is when I thought that surely this chick must be shitting me but I waited patiently for a response.

Then, many, many days later I got this:

From: Holly

Sent: Monday, July 13, 2009 5:32 PM

Jennifer:

I hope you’re well –

I would like to thank you for your interest in Lisa Whelchel –

Unfortunately, after reviewing the questions, we regret that we will not be able to provide responses from her.  We had offered an email interview with her on the subjects of how moms can down-size in this tight economy and her involvement in “Women of Faith” inspiring women across the country with her story.  I hope you can appreciate that as the questions don’t focus on either of these topics, we will not be able to provide responses.

Thank you for your understanding.

Holly

*****************

From: jenny @thebloggess.com

Sent: Monday, July 13, 2009 7:15 PM

Is this because I wouldn’t let her smoke dope in my house? Because I’m flexible on that.

She has to bring her own dope though.

~Jenny

*********

So far there has been no response from the Whelchel camp. I can only assume that means she’s thinking about it.

PS. Just wanted to clarify that I think Lisa Whelchel and Holly are both extremely nice people, and that my sister is actually really smart and is more than capable of buying dope. Also, I feel a little of bad about this whole post but I’d feel worse if they didn’t make it so fucking easy.

Comment of the day: Square roots are entirely over-rated. Also, I can start an IV on you full of horse tranquilizers. Who’s the smart one now? ~ my sister

{ 211 comments }

If someone sent you this post it’s probably because you really fucked up or they love you and want to change you. Either way, you should probably thank them.

July 11, 2009

in Random crap, conversations, mixing medications, no one thinks this is funny but me, rants, stuff better left unpublished

So today Victor and I had this big fight and it was pretty much like every fight we ever have in that it starts off with a misunderstanding about sharks and ends with Victor being a complete dick and I’m always like “JUST FUCKING FIX THIS” and he’s all “No one understands your rules” and I’m like “This is so fucking simple.  Why don’t you get this?  All you have to do is hold me and tell me you love me and that you’re sorry and then we can move on” but he won’t because he’s an asshole and then when he does finally do it it’s in this really begrudging sort of way and I’m all “No, it has to be genuine.  Not like I have a gun to a puppies face” and he’s all “FUCK! I SAID I WAS SORRY” and I’m all “Yes, BUT YOU DIDN’T SAY IT RIGHT” and then he stomps off yelling profanities and I’m all “THIS IS NOT MAKING IT BETTER!”  Then he screams “Why am I always the one who’s wrong here?” and I’m all “That’s exactly what I’d like to know” and then he’s like “You are fucking killing me” and I’m all “You’re killing us both.  Just say you’re sorry *genuinely* and it’s done”.  So then after like 8 more hours fighting he comes back in and sighs defeatedly and kind of half-heartedly hugs me and says “Sorry if what I said about you hurt your feelings” but it’s that kind of hug where you don’t use your hands because your mom is forcing you to hug your sister and I’m all “Ugh.  Dude, hold me like you WANT to hold me” and he gives me this confused look and then tentatively puts both hands on my boobs and I’m trying to be patient because at least he’s trying and I whisper “No. Don’t grab my boobs” like I’m giving him answers to the math test and then he moves his hands down and I’m all “Not my ass either” he’s like “FUCK! You said to hold you like *I* wanted to” and I’m all “That’s not what I mean and you know it.  I just meant, like hold me close to you an-ohmyGod stop looking at my boobs” and Victor’s all “Aargh!  I don’t know what you want!” and I take a deep breath and I’m all “Okay.  Just…hold me like you’re a virtuous young vampire and I’m a virginal woman and you desperately want me but you are too respectful to maul me or insult me by staring at my chest” and he pauses for a second like he doesn’t understand stage direction and then he steps back and holds my shoulders at an arm’s length with one eyebrow raised like “Is this it?” and I just kind of sigh because at this point I don’t even know if he’s really trying or just fucking with me and then he’s all “No.  I don’t like it because I have to look in your eyes” and I’m all “What the FUCK?!” and he’s like “It’s just that…your boobs look really great today” and then I shook my head and considered stabbing him and then I realized that it was actually the first genuine thing he’d said in hours and also that it’s probably the most romantic compliment I’m going to get all month so instead I just decided to go with it and pretend my nipples were my eyeballs.  And then I said “You are lucky to have me” and he’s all “Uh-huh” except he forgot to say the “uh” part but I forgive him because he forgets words sometimes when he’s distacted and so I just say them for him in my head.  Then I say “Thank you, actually this is a new dress” out loud and Victor wonders who I’m talking to.

And that’s why it’s called “compromise”.

PS.  When Victor and I went to New York a few weeks ago (post coming, I promise) I was surprised at how many blind/limbless/disabled beggars there were around but this one was my favorite:

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Even better? What he was doing on the other side of his sign.

img_23541

I gave him a dollar.

PPS.  Victor says you’re not supposed to have a “favorite” blind/limbless/disabled beggar but I’m pretty sure that’s discrimination.  Victor says it isn’t.  We’re totally about to have another fight.

Comment of the day: When my husband gets tired of fighting, he likes to break me by looking at me with big eyes and saying, “How does a penguin walk?” Which initially pisses me off, but who can stay mad at a grown man running after you, flapping his arms and yelling, “Hooow does a penguin waaaalk?” Which is why our fights usually end with BOTH of us running around the living room, flapping our arms, and the neighbors gathering around our window. ~ MonsteRawr

{ 101 comments }

This is all old shit to you unless you *don’t* obsessively follow my twitter feed

July 9, 2009

in I am totally overrated, blogging about blogging again, weekly reruns

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Did you know that I write stuff at a lot of different places?  Like so many that sometimes I get confused and can’t remember when my deadlines are and then I panic and post too much and then Victor yells at me for being obsessed with blogging and not cleaning the house enough and then I come over here and people are all “Hey, you haven’t posted in days, loser!” and I’m all “Yes I have, just not here” and they’re all “Well where then?!” and I’m like “Uh…places” because I can’t really remember and I have to go back to twitter to see what I actually posted and then I let them know and then an hour later someone’s all “Where are you?  Why aren’t you posting?  Are you dead?” and I’m all “MOTHER. OF. GOD.  For real?  I just posted like eight things about porn stars” and then it makes me cry a little inside.  That’s why I’m going to start doing a once-a-week round-up of all the other shit I’m wrote elsewhere.  If you obsessively read my tweets then you’ve probably already read all this stuff though so feel free to pretend this weekly post is not even here.  Which will be much easier next week because include this mile long explanation about exactly why I’m subjecting you to re-runs.  It’ll just look like this:

This week on “Ask the Bloggess“:

This week on my Sex Column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t a humorless asshole):

This week on the Houston Chronicle:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-write-but-wish-I did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

The end.

{ 48 comments }

I almost forgot to mention the dead bear in the backyard. That’s what kind of post this is, y’all.

July 7, 2009

in "In the ear hole", I am totally overrated, Random crap, mixing medications, no one thinks this is funny but me

So I’m finally back from my trip to my old hometown in West Texas and people who aren’t from Texas always think that’s no big deal but then they travel through Texas and realize that Texas is larger than Canada and Asia and India all rolled together.  It doesn’t look that way on the map but you know when you’re in a really humid place and the temperature says it’s only 80 but you know it’s really, actually 8000 degrees?  That’s what Texas is like.  In size.

I spent the week with my parents, sister and her kids, reminiscing at the local whorehouse and wondering if the chickens roosting on my car were just drifters or actually belonged to someone and then that weekend Victor flew down so we could celebrate our anniversary except I don’t celebrate anything with that certain unlucky number in it because I’m OCD and so I made him swear that this was just our second 12th anniversary except he kept saying the unlucky number over and over and I was all “This is exactly why I didn’t want to celebrate this year because if you don’t stop saying the number I will divorce you and that’s totally the kind of thing that would happen on an unlucky year so fucking stop it” and then he’s all “What number?  You mean -” AND THEN HE SAID THE NUMBER AGAIN and I decided that instead of divorcing him I would just cut one of his testicles off sometime this year because that will be unlucky enough and then we’ll still stay married because all the unluckiness will have been used up in that horrible ball-shredding accident and then he just looked at me like he was shocked that I’d even said that but technically this is our second 12th anniversary so he should kind of be used to that sort of shit by now.  And also I’M SAVING OUR MARRIAGE, ASSHOLE.

So for our anniversary my family watched Hailey so Victor and I could go to this melodrama-vaudevillian play that’s been going on since the 40’s and there’s lots of drinking and you’re supposed to throw popcorn at the evil mustachioed villain when he comes out except I have bad aim and ended up just throwing it at the people directly in front of us and Victor pointed at the people sitting next to us like it was them and then a terrible popcorn battle broke out and we bought $300 worth of popcorn and destroyed the other people.  Except one time Victor was off buying a pallet of popcorn and I got attacked by Sam Elliot and got so much popcorn down my dress it looked like I’d developed some sort of terrible tumor.  Also, you know when you get that piece of popcorn stuck in your teeth and you can’t get it out because it would be too embarrassing to dig it out in front of strangers?  Imagine that happening but instead of your teeth it’s your ear canal.  And by “ear canal” I mean “vagina“.  

Then the can-can girls came out and everyone sang along to “Deep in the Heart of Texas” with the live orchestra and some guy on stage quoted Sam Houston saying that “Texas can make it without the United States BUT THE UNITED STATES CANNOT MAKE IT WITHOUT TEXAS!” and everyone in the entire fucking audience yelled it along with him and I thought “Wow.  No wonder other people hate us.”  I have a video of the intermission here but it’s hard to see because I was really drunk because I need a new camera.  And after the whole play/melodrama/burlesque thing ended I looked down and saw these small patches of blood on the floor and I was a little unsettled because Victor kept saying he was going to put rocks in his popcorn and take out the front row but it turns out that the carpet was red and that was the only part of it you could see under the piles of popcorn.

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And then on the way out some chick was all “Damn.  This is actually…a horrible waste of food.  Just think of all the starving children in Africa” and I was a little offended because I realize they’re starving but I don’t think they want popcorn touched by vaginas.  Also, it was kind of stale and I know because I ate some and then I felt bad later because I was eating popcorn that I’d thrown at people and they’d thrown back and it would land in my bosom and I’d scoop it out and throw it back and then they’d throw it back and inevitably some of it would land in the sack I was eating and now I’m pretty sure I have swine flu.

Then the next day we went back to my parents to set off fireworks and I accidentally set fire to their lawn in several places and I felt a little bad about that but then my dad was all “Oh, I promised the grandkids we’d set off the cannon tonight” and Hailey’s like “Yay!” I’m all “You promised my pre-schooler she could light a cannon?” and he’s all “No.  Of course not.  I told Tex he could do it” and that seemed much safer because Tex is fucking 6.  And my sister just kind of shrugged because she’s used to this sort of thing and I’m all “Are you sure this is safe?” and Daddy assured me it was because Tex was just going to pack the cannon and prep it and stand right in front of a giant fucking loaded cannon but my sister still seemed undisturbed, most likely because she knew daddy probably couldn’t get the thing lit anyway and she was right but then daddy decided he just needed more fire so he brought out the blowtorch.  This is when I ran for my camera because I knew no one would believe it and I sort of thought I should stop my father except that their neighbors had been setting off fireworks at midnight all week long and I thought it would kind of kick-ass payback if the cannon actually did go off.  And it did.  And it was awesome and no one died or got blood on them so it was more successful than most nights except for that part where I set fire to the lawn.

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Also, I figured that my dad had stored the cannon somewhere during the day because I didn’t remember seeing it before that night but then when I was developing my pictures I noticed that the picture I took of the chickens has the cannon in it and I didn’t even notice it.  Because that’s the kind of backyard they have.  One where a cannon doesn’t really stick out.  Also, it smelled weird there but I was used to that because the Taxidermy Shop is next door but then Victor pointed out that there was a dead bear on a table that had been raised up with chains to like 10 feet above ground and my first thought was that it was odd to have a dead bear floating on a table over your head and I wondered if daddy was trying to raise it from the dead like Dr. Frankenstein did when he raised his monster up to the roof to get struck by lightning but then I realized it was probably just a polite way to get the dead bear out of the way of company and that it was kind of ingenious really.  Like window blinds, except with dead bears.  Then Victor made me go home because all of this was starting to seem kind of rational and that’s usually a sign that we need to leave.

Comment of the day:   Geeze, that sounds like a great night. Of course, you could have combined all the elements into one and it would have been really kick-arse!  Imagine; packing the bear skin into the canon and firing it at people! They would be all “Fuck! I’m being attacked by a flying bear. And it’s must be freaking hungry, look how thin it is!”  Of course, in the interest in fairness, they would have popcorn to defend themselves.

I’m still trying to work the chickens in. ~ mr sketchy

{ 125 comments }

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