I wonder if birds ever hear songs on the radio and then chirp those songs and then the other birds are like, “OMG, FRANK. THAT SONG IS AMAZING. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU CAME UP WITH THAT YOURSELF” and then Frank is like, ‘I’m glad I’m a bird and can’t talk so there’s no reason to let everyone know that I didn’t make this song up myself” and then later the other birds hear “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” on a radio and they’re like, “WHOA. EVEN THE HUMANS ARE SINGING FRANK’S SONG NOW. WTF.” And then Frank becomes the most popular bird ever even though he’s totally a poser.
Slightly related: Yesterday there was a bird outside and he looked hungry so I tossed him a bit of my scrambled egg and after he ate it I realized that eggs come from birds (and vice versa) and so I may have just forced a bird into cannibalism.
PS. For the first time since Sunday I feel mostly human and can sit upright for more than 15 minutes at a time. CELEBRATE THE SMALL THINGS, Y’ALL.
PPS. I was watching bird videos on youtube and now Hunter S. Thomcat is convinced there is a bird inside my computer:
PPPS. This was the video that sent him over the top:
PPPPS. As requested, HST dance remix here.
I’ve been a bit MIA lately so here’s a quick update about where I am and what I’m doing.
I had a severe allergic reaction that made me vomit for 10 straight hours and I don’t recommend it. I developed an allergy to brazil nuts this year and now it’s so bad that even a sliver makes my body turn inside out and my doctor was like, “Hey, interesting trivia that might kill you: Brazil nuts are the only allergies that are sexually transmitted.” And I was like, “Awesome. So I have a severe allergy AND an STD?” and she explained that I couldn’t give the allergy to other people but that if I had sex with someone who ate brazil nuts I could have a severe allergic reaction because apparently brazil nuts come out of your semen. Not whole, I mean. That would probably be noticeable. But enough to send you into shock if you have sex with someone full up on brazil nuts.
This seems like something that should be known since some people have deadly nut allergies and I suggested an ad campaign like, “Keep nuts out of your nuts” but my doctor said it probably wouldn’t fly because the people who make brazil nuts wouldn’t be pleased and I was like, “I’M NOT GOING TO LET BIG NUTS KEEP ME DOWN.” And she looked at me weird and I explained that the people who owned tobacco were “Big Tobacco” so the nut people were probably “Big Nuts” and she nodded and probably wrote a note to herself to stop accepting my insurance.
I looked for a gif for “brazil nuts” and this is what they gave me. Seems fitting.
In other news about my body trying to kill me, I can’t take the injections for rheumatoid arthritis because of the latent tuberculosis that I probably only have because my autoimmune system is fairly non-existent because of the injections I take for rheumatoid arthritis, so I have to take a medicine to kill the tuberculosis but my doctor just checked my blood and the medication to kill the TB is fucking up my liver so I have to go back in for more tests to see if I need to go off the anti-tuberculosis meds which would mean I couldn’t take the RA meds keeping me out of a wheelchair because then I could get active tuberculosis. I am a snake swallowing it’s own tail. And also I’m allergic to snakes. Additionally, the pill cam data came back and the doctor was like, “You’re all fucked up but we still don’t know where all your missing blood is going. Your stomach looks gross though and you have ulcers.” Probably from the stress of all these tests. Long story short, my body is trying to kill me and I want a replacement. Or a cyborg body. I’m not picky.
PS. I’m fine. A little pathetic and very tired but it’s a relief to know the scarier things I was worried about seem to be okay. Things could be worse and I think the meds (mainly supplements, vitamins) the doctor has had me on for the past 3 months are helping. And I’ve lost almost 25 pounds on this horrible low-carb, low-sugar diet the doctor forced me to go on so I almost look like the person I photoshop myself to be on the internet.
PPS. AND my hard drive broke last week but Apple just fixed it and Victor backed it up and the books I was working on are there! I was so relieved I cried a little.
I’m working on my next book and when I get stuck I read something brilliant to inspire me, so today I’m asking you to share your favorite book ever in the comments. The one that you read over and over and feel so jealous of other people when they say that they haven’t read it yet.
I have a lot, but my go-to book is Bradbury Stories: 100 of His Most Celebrated Tales.
And possibly that’s cheating because it’s a bunch of his books sqwooshed together but I don’t care because it’s fantastic.
Your turn. What’s the one book you always go back to over and over?
PS. Apparently today is #bookloversday, which is nice, but isn’t every day book lovers day for people who love books? It’s like having #oxygenappreciationday or #nationalthankgodwearenotonfireday. Maybe it’s just me.
A couple of months ago I read that Samantha Bee made Time magazine’s 100 Most Influential People of 2017 and I was like, “WHAT. SHE WORE MY NIPPLE ON HER FACE ONCE!” and then the strangers in line with me at the grocery store backed away quickly and I realized that I should maybe work on my phrasing. Then I tried to explain that it was a lucky prosthetic nipple someone gave me during my first book tour and that I was wearing it poking out of my dress at a conference because it’s a nice way to see if people care enough about you to point out that you have a nip-slip, and also it distracts them from all the other dumb stuff you’re doing. Samantha passed the test and was like, “Nice nipple” and so I peeled off my nipple to show her it wasn’t real and she licked it and stuck it on her forehead while we finished our drinks.
But then I couldn’t find any pictures or even remember who I was with so this happened so I went to twitter:
And then I finally decided I must have just imagined it but my friend Karen just texted me: “I FOUND THE PHOTOGRAPH OF SAMANTHA BEE WITH YOUR NIPPLE ON HER FOREHEAD.” And now I’m very relieved because I was starting to think I was going crazy but here’s a picture of one of the most influential people in America wearing my nipple on her face while we were day drinking and I’m pretty sure that proves that I’m perfectly normal.
Note: I’m an idiot.
So I have pneumonia again because of course I do and nothing is cutting this cough so today my doctor gave me some cough syrup and my first question was, “Why does it say ‘This is a RED LIQUID’ on the bottle?
Hunter S. Tomcat was intrigued as well.
And so I asked twitter and they were like, “I dunno. Why does it say ‘Do not use on eyelashes’ on my flat iron?” which just gave me more questions. But then a lot of people explained that it was to make sure you got the correct medicine from your pharmacist but the liquid is actually pink (like Strawberry Hill or blush box wine) so then I was paranoid that I’d been given poison, but my pharmacy never even has my antidepressants in stock so I doubt they’d have a bunch of poison handy.
But then it got even more complicated because it said “TAKE 10MLS BY MOUTH” but I don’t have a syringe to measure how much that is so I yelled, “HOW MUCH IS 10 MILLILITERS? at Victor and he was like, “Ten milliters of what?” and I was like, “I mean, 10 milliliters of anything? Codeine juice, I guess?” because I just wanted to know how many teaspoons is in a milliliter, and also why is this even in milliliters? Am I in Canada? Because I paid too much for this medicine if so, and it’s not fair that I have to pay for healthcare and do math too. And Victor was like, “WTF IS ‘CODEINE JUICE’ AND WHY ARE YOU PRICING IT?” and then I gave up explaining and went to the internet and Google was like, “I CAN HELP. A MILLILITER IS .002 PINTS” which was not helpful at all.
But then when I did finally work out the conversion it didn’t matter because I couldn’t find the measuring spoons so I went online to find out if the spoons you use to stir tea are the same size as teaspoons (answer: not necessarily) but there was an image that you could use if you didn’t have measuring spoons that showed you how much a teaspoon of salt looked like in your cupped palm so I poured that much into my hand and then I considered spooning the syrup out of my hand to take it but then I’d have to wash the spoon so instead I just drank it out of my hand and then Victor walked by and was like, “Seriously? THIS IS WHY YOU GET EVERY COLD. YOU ARE LICKING YOUR OWN HAND.” And that’s true, but technically I was licking medicine off my hand so I’m pretty sure that makes this whole thing moot.
PS. Victor vehemently disagrees and is currently buying me measuring spoons because he says my method is ridiculous and probably unsafe but I was actually supposed to have two handfuls of codeine juice (based on my math) and I only took one, so technically I was being conservative and responsible. Victor disagrees on all counts.
PPS. Spellcheck is insisting that “milliliter” is not even a real word and for once I feel like spellcheck has my back. It also is telling me that it doesn’t know what “spooning” is either and now I just feel a bit sorry for it and I suspect it’s hitting on me.
So first of all, THANK YOU for yesterday. You were fantastic and distracting and I highly recommend reading the comments because they are magic. The Apple people say my hard drive is borked but they think they can fix it by next week and that my back-up will have saved all my stuff. Tentative yay?
According to twitter, today is #NationalColoringBookDay so I’m giving away a few copies of YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual for Dangerous Minds if you need one. Just tell me if you want one in the comments and I’ll email you if you win.
I’m writing this post on my phone because my computer is fucked. I’d be more technical if I could but when I try to explain it I get blank stares and then the person says “Wow. That does sound like it’s fucked.” The back up isn’t working properly and I’m panicked that I’ve lost everything. I’m taking it to Apple today but in the meantime can you tell me happy things? Tell me about what is making you happiest right now. Feel free to make something up. Distract me.
I’ll go first. I’m happy that I printed out the new book I’m currently working on to take with me on vacation so I know it’s safe.
Every once in awhile some country decides to translate one of my books and then I look at the reviews and wonder if they hate me or love me or (like America) a little of both. I just looked at instagram and these are a few I saw this month:
I think the last one is my favorite.
On an unrelated note, I’m on vacation with my family so the comment section is yours. Use it to share cat videos, share your blog, tell us what you’re excited about, pimp out your business…whatever. While the cat’s away the mice will share their twitter accounts so we can all follow each other. I think that’s how it goes.
I’m taking a small road trip to look for bears but I thought I’d share with you a few things on my desktop that I’ve taken screenshots of because they made me question everything. Maybe it’s just me.
I asked Google who all the famous Czech people are and Google’s second category was just the word “WHAT” with a bunch of people looking at my search like I’m crazy for even asking.
Every once in a while I look at the terms people were searching for that led people to my blog and then I remember why I don’t this more often.
Under “more to consider” Amazon suggested several sets of human teeth, so I’ve got that going for me.
Email I got from Zazzle. It’s shocking how often this happens with products I design.
I was searching for a gif for “free stuff” and this stuff was suggested. What is even happening in that middle picture? I’m so confused.
I went here to see how long to boil and egg and these were the suggestions for what to read afterward. WikiHow is getting dark, y’all.
Spellcheck is making me question everything.
Is this ad still valid? I found it in a comic book from the 60’s and I am intrigued.
This is an ad I keep getting on Facebook and every time I see It I think, “Is she shitting?” Because it looks like she’s shitting.
This ad was in my local paper from 1902 and it just makes me realize that even in 1902 people were judging mothers harshly. Also, if your kid is asking “PLEASE CAN I HAVE MORE BOTTLED WORM SYRUP?” you’re probably going to get judged. Catch-22.
So in the morning we leave for our road trip and you can follow it on instagram but before we left I had to post this video of Dorothy Barker so that I can watch it on repeat when I miss her.
The backstory: Whenever Victor calls me on the phone Dorothy Barker will do this wolf-like howl and will not stop until I answer the call. She only does this for his ring tone and as soon as I answer it she immediately stops and looks very proud of herself. If I intentionally ignore it she will crawl up into my lap and howl in my face like, “YOU HAVE A CALL, LADY.” I suspect Victor taught her to do this.
PS. Is it just me or does her first howl sound like she saying: “I LOVE MY MAMA”? Or maybe “I WANT PINATAS”. Hard to tell.
PS. I’ll still be posting here while I’m gone. Because I’m a professional. Sort of.
This needs a caption.