This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to be on twitter:
PS. My friend MariaMelee is truly amazing and her roach spray review was like the Iliad of roach spray reviews. She’s awesome. I’m going to go to bed now.
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It’s Sunday which means it’s time for my weekly wrap-up:
This week on Ask the Bloggess:
- Sexomnia: No one’s falling for it, asshole.
- I was on a lot of drugs when I wrote this but it’s still vaguely valid.
This week on my sex column (which is satirical and relatively safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche canoe):
This week on the internets:
This week on Good Mom/Bad Mom on the Houston Chronicle:
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
- If Murdered. If you die, make sure you have a voice.
- Axe Cop. ”That 5 year old writes better than you do.” Thanks Victor.
- Flawless.
This week’s wrap-up sponsored by the teams at Mamavation & EarthFootwear who probably spent the day rescuing drowning kittens.
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My sister, Lisa, just called to tell me that our great aunt Ollene just died and we decided to go in together on a flower arrangement and so I ordered it online from the florist across the street from the funeral home and it was very nice because their website basically pre-populates all the funeral home info since that’s where they do most of their business but then the end of the form left me a little baffled:
Huh. Do I want you to remind me of my dead aunt’s death again next year? Well, of course I do. Why wouldn’t I want you to bring up this painful event with an annual “Hey-your-aunt-is-still-dead” reminder? Who would turn that down? Nobody, I bet.
Also, my Aunt Ollene was awesomely funny and every Christmas she would give my sister and I enormous granny-panties and a roll of nickels. Every year. For like 20 years. And the underpants were so big that Lisa and I used to pull them up to our armpits and pretend they were strapless leotards. Also, I’m fairly sure that the nickels were given to us ironically because it’s not like this was back in the olden days when people really liked nickels. I don’t actually remember a time when people wanted nickels. I’m not actually that old. Also, this post is rambling and makes no sense. Probably because I’m grieving. Stop judging me.
PS. Hang on. I bet that reminder thing is probably for when someone you don’t actually like dies. Then you can have a happy reminder once a year that whoever you never liked is still dead. Unless he was really just in a deep coma and comes out of it during the funeral and he’s pissed off that you didn’t pick out a nice enough casket for him and he storms out and disowns you and now you have to pay for a funeral that no one actually enjoyed. Then it’s just a painful reminder for everyone involved.
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Remember a few weeks ago when I fell into a shitstorm because of Dr. Pepper and then the next week the questionable Dr. Pepper was missing and instead that shelf was covered in Bawls?
I just got back from Target. The bawls have been removed. They’ve been replaced with nuts.
I couldn't even make this shit up, y'all.
Honestly, it’s like the magical shelf of things-to-make-Jenny-suspect-she’s-being-videotaped.
And I actually went and looked for the Bawls since so many people said I should try them but I couldn’t find them anywhere and when the clerk asked me if I need help I said “Um…I’m looking for bawls?” and he said “Like, tennis balls?” and then I said “Yes. Exactly like tennis balls” because I couldn’t even make myself say “No. I’m looking for the kind of bawls you drink” and I considered pulling out my phone to just show him the picture I’d taken of their bawls last week but it seemed even more awkward to ask someone to wait while you scroll through your camera-phone photos to find the one you’d taken of their bawls. I’m sure all the people at Target had a great laugh about this later since they are obviously doing this on purpose just to fuck with me.
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People that I’m suing this week:
1. My 10-year-old niece, Gabi
2. The creators of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”
3. Natalie Dee
Why? Remember back in January of 2009 when I invented kitten-mittens? Remember? And you said it was awesome? Fuck. Hang on. Here’s a snippet of the post to jog your memory:
…I also came up with another idea to re-purpose used breast-pumps to suck dead kittens inside out because then…TA DA!…fur-lined mittens for homeless people. I told my friend Kregg about it and he was all “That’s…weird” and I’m all “It’s weird that no one’s ever thought of it before. Because no one wants dead kittens or used breast-pumps so this way we’d be keeping them both out of the landfills and we’d be helping the homeless. It’s practically carbon zero!” Then Kregg mentioned something about PETA and firebombs and I was all ”I’d only use kittens that were already dead from non-communicable diseases, Kregg. I wouldn’t just go around haphazardly turning live kittens inside-out. I’m not a monster, for God’s sake” and frankly I’m a little insulted I even had to clarify that. I’m doing this to help the homeless. Not for my own personal kitten-mitten collection. I live in Texas, y’all. I don’t even need mittens.
And then I applied for a grant to make the kitten-mittens but they haven’t responded so all the kitten-mittens I’ve made have come out of my own pocket. Because I’m a fucking philanthropist. (Also, in the interest of full transparency I haven’t actually made any kitten mittens yet but I did once scalp and dismember a stuffed rabbit to make an Easter outfit for my kid and that’s pretty damn close.)
Oh, stop judging me. She looks adorable.
Bottom-line? No grant funding. Homeless people are still freezing. Cats are still being wasted. And I can only assume that all of this happened because I’ve been lost in the shuffle since so many people ARE STEALING MY IDEAS.
Exhibit 1:
My ten-year old niece who won a Young Inventors competition for inventing “Crazy Climbers”, which are gloves that sounds suspiciously like “kitten mittens” and are actually mittens. YOU COULD NOT BE MORE OBVIOUS, GABI.
Also, SHE'S WEARING A SHIRT WITH A FUCKING KITTEN ON IT. She's totally mocking me here.
It’s going to hurt me to sue her but it’s still going to happen. I love you but this is what happens when you mess with family, Gabi. Go watch The Godfather.
Exhibit 2:
When you google “kitten-mittens” I’m not even on the first page. Instead it’s just pages of links to this video from “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia”.
And you can see how they tried to avoid a copyright issue by spelling their kitten mittens as “kitten- mittons.” I’m sorry but no. No one’s falling for it, assholes.
Exhibit 3:
Natalie Dee’s kitten-slipper comic from last week:
This one hurts the most because I actually really like Natalie Dee. And also because it’s sort of brilliant. I mean, why stop with kitten-mittens when you can move to kitten-booties? It was the next logical step and I failed to make it. So I guess this one’s on me. But still, I’m suing Natalie because I bet she’d be fun to hang out with in court. Do you get sit next to the people you’re suing? Because that would be awesome.
Also, I just want to point out that I do understand that sometimes people can come up with the same idea without it actually being “stealing” because once when I was eating peanuts I invented peanut-butter. Because basically that’s how you get peanut butter. Just by chewing up peanuts. I bet when the first person was all “Hey everybody! I just invented peanut-butter!” and spit out a big wad of peanuts he’d been chewing everybody else was all “Are you fucking kidding? We’ve been doing that for years, buddy” and he was all “Yeah, but I just named it. I win.” And that man’s name was Peter Pan. Or possibly Jiffy. I don’t know. We didn’t study peanut-butter history at my school.
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