The most baffling things Amazon recommended.

Last month I started sharing on twitter the weirdest thing that Amazon recommended to me each day and it’s a bit of a vicious circle because I look at strange shit and then Amazon is like, “Oh, is that what you’re into, weirdo?” and then it recommends more weird shit and then the people who click on my links get bizarre recommendations that they give to me and I click on them and then those things are recommended and then suddenly it’s all “Hey, you forgot to order those funeral potatoes and gummi dildos you were looking at” or, “You like to build wooden kits…you should build your own coffin,” which seemed a bit threatening but then a few days later they recommended building a corpse so I can at least appreciate the theme.

Still, the weird suggestions just keep on coming and I keep wondering what kind of weirdo would buy this stuff and turns out Amazon knows me better than I know myself because…

Everyone likes socks, y’all.

PS. The actual recommendation was for cat socks, which you would think would be socks with cats on them but instead are tiny socks that look like cat paws (that you slip on your chair legs so they don’t scratch the floor, I guess?) but they also perfectly fit the cats, who pulled them all off immediately except for Hunter S. Thomcat who naturally has cold paws and was surprisingly pleased about the whole situation.

PS.  Here’s the whole collection in one spot in case you’re looking for beast legs or hot glue guns for cheese.

Giants are terrible cooks

me: You know how giants always say, “I’ll grind your bones to make my bread”?  Who makes bread out of bones?  If you’re going to eat a person it seems like that should be a meat dish.  Unless maybe the giant is on a low carb diet and all he can think about is bread?  Either way, it’s going to be terrible bread and the giant is going to be very disappointed.  But maybe that’s why he’s so angry…because he keeps fucking up bread and he’s starving and I totally get it because I’ve been eating low-carb for almost a year and it’s a shit show.  Unless…hang on…is flour made of bones?  Is that why it’s white?  Because I never thought of it before but I don’t know what flour is made of.  You never see an acre of flour growing in fields.  Is it just crushed bones?  Oh my God, do vegetarians know about this?

Victor:  Please stop.

PS. I decided to look up “What is flour made of” because this blog is nothing if not educational and google says “white flour is made from the endosperm only” and that seems gross but the color makes sense, I guess?  But it also says that “whole-wheat flour combines all three parts of the wheat berry” and I grew up around wheat fields and I’ve never seen any berries.  Conclusion:  Google is drunk and is probably the same person who gave that giant the human-flesh-makes-great-bread recipe.

Now I don’t understand how wheat or giants work.

Scariest movie ever.

Today is Monday but it’s Sunday here because I was in Vegas (more on that later) so I missed the Sunday wrap-up so congratulations – it’s Sunday again!  Go home and binge watch something.

******

I took H to see The Quiet Place because she doesn’t get scared at scary movies and I thought maybe it would be different if we saw one at the theater instead of at home.   She grabbed my hand once but she totally wasn’t the level of freaked-the-fuck-out that I was when I saw scary movies when I was a kid, which makes me a little sad because I LUUURV horror and she appreciates it but isn’t too impressed over all.  She seen The Shining, Babadook, Ouijia, IT…and she thought they were all okay but none of them scared her.  She doesn’t have nightmares.  WTF.

Is my kid broken?  Or are kids just less scared by stuff now?  I remember watching The Shining when I was her again on a tiny staticky tv through my fingers and I still get freaked out at the “Danny’s not here anymore” part.  At this point I’m thinking of getting out The Ring because that’s the scariest movie I ever saw but I’m open for suggestions.

What’s the scariest movie you ever saw in your life?

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And on an entirely different subject…

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

  • Mugs are half off today if you use the ZSPRINGDEALS code.  Get yourself a Beyonce to drink with, y’all.  Possibly it would be better as a shot glass but technically a mug holds more vodka and is less obvious during business meetings.  

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Leslie Handler’s new book, Rats, Mice and Other Things You Can’t Take to the Bank. You should check it out, partly because Leslie was incredibly understanding about Monday being Sunday but also because it’s a great book.  AND because all author profits are being donated to the National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI) so by buying the book or donating here you’ll be helping end the stigma against mental illness.  It is clever and kooky and you should check her out right now because she’s good people.  

I mean, it’s so, so accurate.

Have you used Electric Literature’s automatic male novelist description generator to see how a male author would describe you?  Because it’s quite awesome.

Here’s mine:

“She had curves like a juicy bedsheet and I shuddered to correct her.”

Nailed it.

The funniest book you ever read

I’m up and down this week but I’m trying to stay up because I have work to do and I need to keep myself from falling into the hole of depression.  One of the things that save me are books.  So can you help?  I need funny books.  Ridiculous, hysterical, silly…

Tell me the funniest book you ever read.  Pretty please.

Who run the world? SQUIRREL.

me: LOOK WHAT CAME IN THE MAIL.

Oh hey.

Victor: WTF.  I’m on a conference call.

me:  I’m thinking of calling her Daenerys TAILgaryen.  Because she has a tail.

Victor: That’s terrible.

me:  Marmot of Dragons.

Victor:  I’m literally working here.

me:  FURst of her name.

Victor:  Stop.

me:  I can’t come up with a better Game of Thrones squirrel pun.  It’s nuts.

Victor:  Seriously?

me:  I’m so sorry.  I walnut do it again.

Comments of the day:    Oh wait.  She’s the leader of the Unsquirrellied. ~ Regansbox

 

Confession: I don’t understand the tiny blood bucket

My friend Maile sent me a text in the middle of the night and it reminded me how important it is to have friends who get you and who also don’t understand some of the basic principals of being a woman.

#LaserVag

My doctor refused to give me lasers in my vagina.  Click here for full story.

It occurred to me just now that I may have used poor phrasing in the description of this moment.

 

She’s naturally part rabbit.

Happy Easter Fools Day.

A post shared by Jenny Lawson (@thebloggess) on

Crowdsourcing how to be a good parent.

Disclaimer: This isn’t a funny post.  I just need advice if you have a middle schooler.

So Hailey got invited to take the ACT as a 7th grader and she did really well on the English part (WHOOP!) so the Duke Talent Identification Program invited her to take estudies this summer and she’s very excited about it which I’m pretty sure is proof that she was switched at birth.

And I want to support her bizarre need to take tests and classes for no damn reason whatsoever even though I totally don’t understand it but it’s pretty expensive (like a grand) which seems pricey for one summer class you take on your own computer so I want to see if there’s anything better out there before I enroll Hailey.  What’s the best thing your kid ever did during the summer?  Did they take the TIP ecourses?  Did they take another online class that isn’t crazy expensive or that at least gives college credit?

(Usually she does drama classes but she’s starting to feel like she’s too old but she’s too young to volunteer, and she does Hacker and robotic classes but she’s usually one of the only girls and that can be hard.)

Open for suggestions.