This has been the shittiest week ever and so instead of publishing a real post today I’m just sharing a video of my cat (Ferris Mewler) who is currently practicing rolling over. Because cats doing dog tricks make me feel less stabby.
FERRIS, ROLL OVER:
Also, spellcheck just tried to autocorrect “less stabby” to “less shabby“.
Oh spellcheck, it’s like you’ve never even met me.
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This cat = me trying to actually get work done.
This weasel = my brain trying to destroy me:
Me: I have work to do.
Weasel: You should check the internet because remember yesterday when that one person on the internet was wrong and it made you so mad, but not actually mad enough to register to leave a comment. Go see if someone else left a comment calling them out.
me: No. I don’t care.
Weasel: LIAR. And check your blog because there might be a secret comment from Doctor Who asking you to go time-traveling with him.
me: That’s not...possible.
weasel: You hesitated. You totally think it’s possible. Quick – check twitter.
me: No.
weasel: Just once. And check your replies. And check that girl you hate. And check that girl you want to be more like. And check that girl who used to be on that show who’s totally crazy now and is posting insane shit that you can’t look away from.
me: No. I don’t remember her name.
Weasel: Then IMDB her. And then IMDB all the Anchorman quotes. And then go look up all the trivia on the Mythbusters site. And then go see if you were right about how many times the Vulcan mind-meld was used in the last movie.
me: I already know it was two.
Weasel: Victor says you’re wrong.
me: UGH. Fine. I’ll just look that one thing up, but then we work.
**FIVE HOURS LATER.**
Weasel: And those are all the ways in which you can die in a Disney park. Now let’s wikipedia the most unusual ways to die ever.
me: NO. I HAVE REAL WORK TO DO AND I HAVE TO-oh my God, someone died from being smothered in cloaks? Is that for real?
Weasel: WIKIPEDIA IS ALWAYS RIGHT. NOW CHECK PINTREST. SUPERHEROES DOING FUNNY THINGS. CATS IN BOXES. OPEN YOUTUBE. SOMEONE IS FALLING IN A FUNNY WAY AND YOU’RE MISSING IT.
me: SHUT UP. SHUT UP. I NEED TO WORK.
Weasel: What if someone just found a Sasquatch? Quick – check the news.
me: STOP IT.
Weasel: Checking the news is mature. It is immature to not keep a news website up all the time to keep up with breaking news. WHAT IF THERE IS A FIRE MADE OF OGRES?
me: You have a point. Sort of.
Weasel: Breaking news. Someone called Kim Kardashian fat. See if you think she looks fat.
me: I DON’T CARE IF SHE LOOKS FAT. I’VE NEVER EVEN SEEN ”THE KARDASHIANS”. I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM.
Weasel: You should probably see if their show is on netflix. That seems like a big pop culture reference you probably need to know about.
me: NO. NO MORE TV.
Weasel: Knowing pop culture is part of your job. Just bookmark it for later.
me: FINE.
Weasel: Ooh! There’s a new “Bob’s Burgers”! If you don’t watch it it will go off the air and it will be all your fault and then it’s “Arrested Development” all over again. Just leave it running in another window while you work.
me: No.
Weasle: It’ll be one thing you can check off your to do list.
me: FINE. But I’m only doing it while I answer emails.
Weasel: Your computer just froze. You can’t run that many things at once. Go watch regular TV and eat a bunch of cake with your hands.
me: No. This is a sign that I need to stop watching tv on my computer. WORK, DAMMIT.
Weasel: You sound stressed. You totally need cake.
me: I DON’T HAVE ANY CAKE. SHUT UP.
Weasel: You should get some cake. Can you order cakes like you order pizza? Is that a thing?
me: I have no idea. But it should totally be a thing.
Weasel: OMG, THAT SHOULD BE OUR NEW BUSINESS. GO BUY “IWANTSOMECAKELIKEYESTERDAY.COM”.
**FIVE HOURS LATER**
me: What am I doing? I don’t even know how to cook.
Weasel: I think it’s called “baking” when you do it with flour.
me: I’m pretty sure it’s called “cooking” no matter what.
Weasel: You should look it up on the internet. Hey, did you know it’s 3am?
me: I hate you so much.
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You know when you’re antique shopping with your husband and you pick up a dead animal and shove it around the corner of the booth while yelling a really well known meme, but then you’re met with silence and you start to think that maybe your husband just needs to get on the internet more often, and then you poke your head around the corner and turns out your husband is in the bathroom and instead you’re talking to an elderly lady who is very confused that a dead pheasant just threatened her?
I hate it when that happens.
Related: I did not buy the pheasant because I spent all my money on a beaver-skin top hat, and the old man ringing me up was all, “Nice beaver” and I was like “Surely you must be joking” and he was all, “No, I’m totally serious. This is good beaver.” And then I screamed “MY HUMOR IS WASTED IN THIS PLACE” and the cashier looked a bit confused and Victor reminded me that not everyone gets every pop-culture reference ever made, and then I was all, “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”
In brighter news, I got a beaver-skin hat for under $40 and I feel confident that at least half of you have wasted your life enough to get all of the references in this post.
Someone get me an eye tattoo and an ahkh necklace.
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Ugh.
I sort of already hate myself from weighing in on this but people keep asking me to tweet about it and forward their petitions, and I really thought it would quiet down by now but it hasn’t, so I’m going to give my big, fat, stupid, irrelevant and probably wrong opinion on the changes Disney made from the original I-might-trust-her-to-babysit-my-kid-when-she’s-a-little-older Merida to get-the-fuck-away-from-my-husband Merida.
There are all sorts of calls to action to get Disney to admit that the new Merida looks a bit skanky and they’ve met with some success and that’s awesome. Go team. I hope you succeed. But (in my opinion – stop yelling at me) the majority of people do not give a shit. Mostly because we’re busy personally teaching our kids what strong women look like instead of letting Disney do it for us. And in a way, Disney did us a favor here. Did you have a talk with your kid about the new Merida? Because if you didn’t you missed a good opportunity to see where your kid stands on this, and to talk to them about over-sexualization.
I showed the new Merida to my eight-year-old and she assumed that it was Merida’s evil twin. Which actually would make an awesome story, and personally I plan to tell stray children I see buying backpacks with the new Merida on them that the original Merida was eaten by the new Evil Merida because she was so hungry. And they will probably believe it because seriously, look at her waist…the girl needs a damn sandwich.
Anyway, my incredibly dumb and probably ill-informed point is that it’s really uncomfortable to see a strong, child-like character get tarted up and flash bedroom eyes at you, but it’s equally sucky to rely on a giant corporation to teach your kids what strong women look like. Strong women look like Amelia Earhart, Rosie the Riveter, Asmaa Mahfouz, or Elizabeth Smart. Or Wonder Woman, or Sally Ride or Sojourner Truth, or Amy Poehler, or Ada Lovelace, or Anne Frank. Or your grandmother.
Or you.
I support and admire the men and women who speak out in the cause of feminism, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that there are so many amazing women who may never end up on a lunch box (Wonder Woman and Word Girl excluded) but who can make a great difference in the life and perceptions of our sons and daughters.
Okay. Your turn. Who’s your favorite female hero?
PS. There aren’t any right or wrong answers here. It’s totally okay to like pretty dresses and sexy princesses. It’s totally okay not to. No judgment. Probably.
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A series of texts I sent to Victor today:
me: Hunter is acting insane. He just put Ferris Mewler in a headlock.
You can't see it but I suspect he has a tiny switch-blade.
Victor: They’re fine. Ferris looks sleepy.
me: I’m pretty sure he was blacking out from the lack of oxygen.
Victor: You’re overreacting.
me: Then he stalked me all day.
"You do not see me."
Victor: I don’t see him.
me: HE’S HIDING BEHIND THE COBRA.
Victor: Oh yeah. He’s adorable.
me: He just set fire to your office.
Victor: Stop texting me.
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