Victor has lost his damn mind. Medically.

Victor sent me this video so that it could be stuck in my head for the rest of my life and then he said I should share it here because I think he thinks its like The Ring where if we share the video it stops haunting us and I thought this was weird even for him, but then this morning he went to the doctor and turns out he has pneumonia, so he’s probably just hallucinating from the fever.

But he still thinks I should share it and he keeps humming it and he’s sick so I’m humoring him, so here you go:

Don’t get pneumonia, y’all.  Everyone suffers.

This is a non-political political post so stop yelling at me.

So I’ve been hiding for a bit after posting a simple “NOPE” on twitter two days ago because everything on the news makes me want to stab myself in the eye and I can’t handle it mentally right now, but then I saw this political interview and it made me laugh, so yay for this.

I mostly avoid talking about politics and the news because I like this to be a safe place where people can laugh and escape from all of the terrible bullshit that is happening in the world but people keep asking me so I will say that I was all for Bernie Sanders because I vote based on who I’d most trust to babysit my cats and drink with, but now I’m for Hilary since Bernie is out.  Victor is still undecided, which is really saying something since that man bleeds Republican and whenever I ask him if he’s decided yet he just sighs and puts his head down on the table.  I think he might be crying,

There’s a lot of that going around.

Ps.  Instead of fighting over which candidate is less bad here let’s instead talk about who you would vote for to run the country if everyone was on the table.  I vote David Tennant’s Doctor Who for president and Donna Noble for VP.  Also, I want Beyonce and the ghost of Audrey Hepburn to be in charge of smacking down people who are being assholes.  I don’t know if that’s a government position but it totally should be.  Your turn.

There is a line. And I’m not sure if it’s been crossed but maybe we’re standing on it?

I’ve had a lot of people send me links to this auction where a woman is selling a purse made out of a dead cat (it was already dead if that makes it less awful for you) and half of the people are like, “THIS IS AWESOME AND I TOTALLY THOUGHT OF YOU” and the other half are like, “THIS IS SICK AND HORRIFIC AND I TOTALLY THOUGHT OF YOU” and either way I can’t decide if I should be insulted, or just happy that you all know me so well, so I’m sticking with the latter.

Via Trade Me

Via Trade Me

And although I do appreciate the thought, this is one of the few times when I looked at terrible taxidermy and thought, Um…maybe not.  First of all because of the shedding, secondly because it’s looking at me reproachfully, third because it looks a bit too much like Hunter S. Thomcat and I’m pretty sure it would give all of the cats nightmares.  Besides, I already own an easter basket made of a 100-year-old armadillo, an antique coin purse made of a frog, and hat made out of an ethically taxidermied raccoon face, and I suspect there’s a limit to how many animals you can wear at one time, even if they did all die of natural causes.  Also, the starting bid is $1400 which is just ridiculous, especially considering that I could probably make it myself.  Not that I would.  Unless someone I really hated was allergic to cats.  Then maybe I would make one just to keep them away from me.  But it seems like it would be easier to just put Hunter S. Thomcat in a Baby Bjorn and carry him around strapped to my chest.  Except he has anxiety too so he gets scared when we travel and gets AWFUL, explosive traveler’s diarrhea.  Which would probably keep even more people away from me, now that I think about it.  So technically I think I just found an inexpensive way to make sure people don’t get in my personal space in airports and I didn’t even have to use hot glue to seal a cat’s corpse to a pocketbook.

Life hacks, y’all.

One year ago

On Friday I saw my shrink and she told me that my Imposter Syndrome was out of control and that I need to stop beating myself up all the time and instead focus on the moments that make me happy.  It was very good advice and I went on twitter and did a photo flashback of moments that I’d survived or celebrated and it was weirdly healing.  Then someone reminded me that one year ago today I put out my video announcement for Furiously Happy and I watched it and remembered how lucky I am to be surrounded by people (even if most of them I’ve never met in real life) who are so lovely and human.  So I decided to celebrate I’d share the video again for those who haven’t see it, or those who need a reminder of how not alone you are, like I did.

(For those who are new, I asked friends, idols, family and community to share what makes them who they are and they each sent video snippets that were pieced together by my talented friend John Thorson.)

John also made me another video after watching what Pat Rothfuss sent in (because he was bored and also awesome) and I didn’t share it for a bit because I was afraid people would think it was silly and ridiculous but then I asked a bunch of the people in the video and they were like, “Silly and ridiculous is our damn specialty.  Publish that shit.”  So I did.  And I still can’t decide which video I like most.

Anyway, this was exactly the reminder I needed and I know September is a hard month for many of us so maybe it’ll be a reminder you need too.

One year later I am still broken.  I am still furiously happy.  And I am still not alone.

Thank you.

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up:

sid

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

  • Normally this is where I’d put links to otter videos or blog posts or such but this week has been weirdly hard and I’ve been hiding, so I’m leaving it blank so you can share anything awesome you think people should see in the comments.  Cat videos.  Things you read and loved.  Things you want to talk about.  Anything.

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You may have accomplished more than you know.

Today I didn’t accomplish much because tv exists and I felt shitty about it but then I thought that maybe today I managed to forget something horribly scarring  forever.  I don’t know what it was but I don’t want to really think about it too hard because then maybe I’ll remember whatever it was.  This sounds like a non-accomplishment but think about all the uncomfortable things that happened to you in your life that you cringe about when they sneak into your head at 2am and are like, “Remember that time you went to high five that guy who was missing a hand and he just stared at you and it got awkward so you pretended you were just stretching?  Except, he still had one hand so why didn’t he just high five with that one?  Was that guy being an asshole for not high-fiving or was I an asshole for high-fiving?”  And obviously I still remember this particular incident but maybe I forgot something else like this, and how awesome is that?  So basically I maybe therapeutically may have made a breakthrough to get past something possibly haunting me emotionally, and maybe you did that too and you just don’t remember.  WHICH WAS THE GOAL.  Just…one that we didn’t know about.  Which makes us even more successful.  I think.

Maybe not, but I’m giving us the benefit of the doubt.  Because that’s what a healed person does.  Probably.

You win.  We all win.

Lets go watch tv.

September is a real bastard and should be treated with copious ferrets.

September is an asshole.  I don’t why.  Maybe it’s the lack of sunlight or the end of summer or some sort of ancient curse, but regardless, it’s always a hard month to survive if you have depression.  I’ve pulled out my light therapy magic box but it’s not entirely enough so yesterday we went to the pet store so I could cover myself in medicinal ferrets. Unfortunately this pet store knows me so they were like, “ONE FERRET AT A TIME, LADY” and “WE WILL FRISK YOU WHEN YOU LEAVE” but one was enough to kickstart the happy.  It wasn’t quite strong enough though so we went to one of those zoos that’s not really a zoo because the animals are running around free and you just drive through and throw food at them.  It is one of my favorite things ever and not just because it’s hilarious to see Victor get mad about a traffic jam that consists entirely of ostriches who don’t give a fuck about where you have to go.

zebras

Even better, Victor isn’t entirely trusting of large wild animals so he yells, “OTHER SIDE OF THE CAR, FRANK.  I DON’T SUPPORT YOUR PANHANDLING” (he thinks they will listen better if he uses names) or “GET AWAY WITH YOUR BLACK DEMON EYES, LARRY.  I KNOW YOUR GAMES” as Hailey and I feed them and assure them he really doesn’t mean it.  Then he yells “I MEAN IT, LARRY.  AND I WANT MY SOUL BACK.”  But then eventually he’ll see some sort of animal with a limp or a missing horn and he’ll get all mushy and feed it and yell at the other animals about how awesome this broken animal is so that it will feel better about itself.  It’s basically how he wooed me and it totally worked.

"He's not missing a horn, Larry. HE'S A UNICORN." ~ Victor

“He’s not missing a horn, Larry. HE’S A DAMN UNICORN.” ~ Victor

We went at the end of the day so most of the animals were already full and sleepy but I did have an encounter with a zebra who was terrifying, derpy and noble all at once.

“Hey.”

"Knock knock motherfucker." This zebra has NO chill.

“Knock knock motherfucker.” This zebra has NO chill.

JESUS.

JESUS.

If you squint, his snout looks like a black panther, which is probably a very good defense if lions attack during the night.

We also met an emu (I think?) who reminded me that birds are our closest relations to dinosaurs and I fed him out of the bag while Victor reminded me that the almost-velociraptor probably wanted my meat sausages (which I thought was a gross because I don’t have a bag of penises, Victor, but then I figured out that he meant my delicious fingers) but I totally would have let this guy chew on my fingers because the smiles he gave me were worth everything.  And I’m sharing it with you because LOOK AT THIS FACE.

"Hello. I'm from the Dark Crystal. I'll just live in your nightmares from now on."

“Hello. I’m from the Dark Crystal. I’ll just live in your nightmares from now on.”

"JUST KIDDING! GIVE ME FOOD IN MY MOUTH HOLE PLEASE!"

“JUST KIDDING! I LOVE YOU GUYS!  PUT FOOD IN MY MOUTH HOLE PLEASE!”

thebloggessbird

And then I felt better.  And I’m sharing it so you will too.  Just remember that as dark as September gets there are ridiculous near-dinosaurs waiting to smile enormously as you hand-feed them.  And that’s worth sticking around for.

PS. You know when a guy is trying to be all suave and he lights two cigarettes for him and his honey?  Not as cool as you think it looks:

cigars

Dead Duck Mystery SOLVED

Okay, first? Click here to read about the mystery dead duck I found at 2am in my bedroom last week.  Because last night we solved the mystery.  And live-tweeted a crafting night that will not soon be forgotten.  This is why twitter exists:

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So here’s what I’m thinking: Last year when I was on book tour I’d always come home with a suitcase full of long-dead gifted taxidermy and crocheted penises and haunted dolls and severed limbs and sometimes when I’m unpacking I don’t always have the energy to find a good place for these things and that’s why sometimes Victor opens a drawer and finds a unicorn horn or a bag of raccoon penises, but I suspect when I was unpacking all the drawers were full so I probably tucked the duckling in the fake flowers on my nightstand until I could find a safe place for her and then forgot she was there for a year until she fell out.

It’s anticlimactic, but so is life.

Maybe “anticlimactic” isn’t the right word.  I’m not a good judge of these things.

I might be overthinking this.

I was just at the drug store and as I was leaving the cashier said, “Thanks. I hope you find your destiny.”  And I didn’t know how to respond because it’s a nice thought but if it’s your destiny you can’t not find it.  That’s how destiny works.  So maybe the nicer thing to say would be, “I hope you find your destiny to be rewarding and full of cheese and puppies or whatever it is you’re personally into“?  That’s probably too long but it still seems preferable to the “Have a nice day” sign-off because that’s always seemed sort of bossy.  You can’t tell me what kind of a day to have.  I’ll have whatever kind of day my destiny has in store for me.  OMG FULL CIRCLE.

Then I tried to explain all of this to Victor and he was like, “STOP TEXTING ME.”  But I can’t, Victor.   Because destiny.

Long story short:  None of this is my fault.

PS. I don’t have a picture for this so I’m going to share this photo of Hunter S. Thomcat:

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I’ve been trying to teach him tricks to burn off a little fluff but he refused because Dorothy Barker was lapping him and people were all “You can’t teach a cat tricks because they refuse to look stupid” and I was like, don’t underestimate my cat, y’all.

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And then people were like, “You taught your cat to eat cat food?  That’s not a trick.  That’s how cats survive.” But you just couldn’t see in the photos that Hunter was totally standing up for the treats. So he’s building up his core.

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He’s looking thinner already.  Thinner and ridiculous.

PPS.  Those are his knees.  Not his balls.  It’s weird I have to clarify that.

 

The best thing all day

Someone took a bunch of music videos and removed the actual music, re-recorded it, and it’s the best thing I’ve seen all day:

Moral:  Even the coolest people in the world look like dorks without backup music.  So if you feel stupid or awkward, it’s probably just because you don’t have music behind you.

Dead duck at 2am.

At 2am this morning I discovered a dead duck in my room.  If you know me you know this isn’t entirely strange given my penchant for ethically taxidermied animals but this was an unexpected, unclothed duck I didn’t recognize.  The whole thing unfolded on twitter so I thought I’d share it here so you’d know why you should follow me on twitter.  Or why you should unfollow me on twitter.  Depends, I guess:

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And I’m sharing all of this because it should make you feel better about yourself in comparison because if you haven’t realized there was a dead duck in your room for an indefinite period of time you are a far better housekeeper than I am.  You win.

PS. I just called Victor and I was like, “So do you know why there was a dead duck inside my flowers?” and he said, “Fucking what?” which sort of proves that he needs to be following me on twitter too because I had to repeat the whole occurrence and still he was confused.  Join the club, Victor.

UPDATED: It took a week but the mystery of the 2am sudden duck appearance is finally solved: Click here for the rest. #THEDUCKENING