I’m on a lot of cold medication so it’s possible this isn’t as funny as I think it is.

I’m on a lot of cold meds but I thought you’d enjoy. Or not.  Stop judging me.  I’m sick.

 

They’re in my shop if you want one, but be aware that everyone you wear it around is going to tell you that your shirt is on inside out.  But then you can flash them a raccoon face (and flash them in general if you aren’t wearing something underneath) and they won’t bother you again.  EVERYONE WINS.

PS. A few of you are having trouble getting the video to load so (spoiler alert) this is what you’re missing:

I may have found my new author photo.

I may have found my new author photo.

Well, it’ll be an interesting death at least

A friend of mine just emailed this to me:

howscrewedareyou

My team:

Pocket from Fool.  “Heinous fuckery, most foul!”

Leslie Knope from Parks and Recreation.

Zombeavers.  I don’t know who the real protagonist is in this movie but I sort of think it’s the zombie-beavers because they were the ones I was rooting for by the end.

So I guess the answer is that I’m pretty screwed, but at least it’ll be an interesting way to die.  You?

PS. I still have the plague and it’s getting worse.  If someone near you coughs like they’ve been living in a coal mine just set them on fire.  It’ll keep you safe and at this point, I half suspect they’d thank you for putting them out of their misery.

*******

And now, the weekly wrap-up…

sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by the book NEVER FOUL A JUMP SHOOTER, A Guide To Basketball Lingo, Lessons and Laughs.  The book began as the author having fun with a few quirky basketball expressions, such as “penetrate and dish” and “a foul waiting to happen” but then it just kept growing into a humorous look at wonderfully colorful basketball expressions. But this is not a dictionary. Or a story with beginning, middle and end. The next time you’re watching a game and you hear an announcer say, “The bank is open,” or a post-game interviewer ask a player, “How big was this win?” and the player answer, “It was huge,” or hear a player “thanking God” after a victory, just open this book, find the term and have a chuckle. Because basketball is about life, and life is better when we can all laugh at ourselves just a little.  You should check it out here.

 

The small things are the big things.

I had a post for today but I couldn’t finish it because my head isn’t working properly right now.  Some of this is because my head is always broken.  Some is from how bleak the news has been lately and I tend to fixate on that stuff.  Some is because we’re supposed to be at a family reunion right now but we’re not because we’re all sick with what I assume is the plague.  I was going to post something simple and just go back to bed but I know that the only way I’m coming out of this is to do it the hard way, and that means refocusing on the good.

I don’t know why it’s so hard to do that sometimes.  When good things happen we tend to weigh them in a smaller way or compare them to others or to feel guilt for having good things happen because others in the world are suffering.  But the good things are what make the world go around.  The good things are what give us strength to go on.  The good things are what we wish for everyone we love, and for strangers, and for strangers who will one day be people we’ll love. The good things and good people are what make you realize that things are so much better than we think, and that life is both dark and disturbing but also brilliant and amazing.  The tiny things add up.  We carry the tiny bad things with us because they stick to our skin in painful ways but often we forget the tiny good things.  And the giant good things.  So today I’m refocusing from the negative and celebrating the things that bring me joy.  You do it too.  Tell me what you’re proud of today.  Tell me what brought you joy recently.  Tell me of someone who inspires you.  I need that.  I think we all do.

I’ll go first:

Hailey snuggled up to me last night while we were watching tv and said that she sort of liked it when we were all sick at the same time because it’s nice to have a reason to watch cartoons together.

Yesterday I got a text from a friend saying “Check your porch” and she’d dropped off chicken soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.  I cried a little.

FURIOUSLY HAPPY is being translated into Italian.  I am taking over the world.

This is real, y’all.  It’s called a sea bunny and it’s really more of a sea slug but I love it so much.  There are tiny bunnies hiding in the sea, you guys.

And if there are sea bunnies out there then God knows what else is around the corner.  Kittens that never grow up?  Puppies that don’t have buttholes?  A brownie that makes the plague go away?

The world is full of possibilities. 

Your turn.  Tell me sometime good.

PS. This is Angel.  She’s 18 and is a foster mother to baby kittens.  She’s not the person grooming the monkey.  She is the monkey.

PPS.  Is it weird that I’m a little jealous of this monkey?  Someone come brush my hair and bring me kittens too.

Hello. It’s me.

When I was in Arizona a few months ago I saw several things that I forgot to write about because I lost my journal.  But I just found it so here goes:

The first was this cactus, which seems to be wanting to escape.  It’s as if it was being a normal cactus and then suddenly said “Nope.  Fuck this bullshit.  I’M OUT” and then started burrowing into the ground.  It’s comforting to know even cactuses want to go into hiding every once in a while.

It's like the cactus on the left is all "WHERE IS THE BOOZE" and the one on the left is like, "Jesus, Miriam.  Not again."

It’s like the cactus on the right is all “WHO WANTS TO SEE MY BOOBIES?” and the one on the left is like, “Jesus, Miriam. Not again.” And Miriam is like “YOU DON’T OWN ME, KEVIN.  YOU HAD A CHANCE WITH THESE BOOBIES AND YOU BLEW IT” and Kevin is all “We’re getting a divorce.”

I also had an issue with mild paranoia because I felt like I was being watched and it turns out that I was being watched.  By this cactus.

Huh.

This cactus is very judgey.

And I was also being watched by a wild animal.  I live-tweeted it because I didn’t know what it was and twitter is like accessing the hive-mind.  Click here if you can’t see the video below:

Several people suggested it was an iguana but I explained that it was too fat to be an iguana and that I couldn’t properly capture how big it was.  Like, if it was a wallet I’d say, “This wallet’s too big.”

Apparently was the missing descriptor because then several people told me that the not-a-wallet was a chuckwalla, which I’d never heard of before in my life, but turns out it’s a lizard whose secret power is running so fast that it faints and also blowing itself up so fat that it becomes unable to be pulled out of crevices.  And I was like, defensively fat and fainty?  I’ve found my Patronus.

This is a real thing.  It's the size of a deflated football.

This is a real thing. It’s the size of a deflated football.

I made this last night when I was too sick to sleep:

It's weird that this graphic didn't exist until I made it.

It’s weird that this graphic didn’t exist until I made it.

There needs to be a better ending to this but Hailey and I are sick and going to the doctor so just give me the benefit of the doubt and pretend I said something hilarious.  Or yell at me and I will get fat and faint on you.  Choose wisely.

UPDATED:  Hailey and I have upper-respiratory ridiculousness so we’re on steroids and sleeping-on-the-couch therapy.  Someone send soup and give us good suggestions for what to watch on Netflix.

It’s probably not a UFO but it is proof that you people are made of magic.

A few days ago Victor and I were in Fort Davis picking up Hailey from sleep away camp (SHE’S ALIVE AND STILL HAS ALL OF HER LIMBS!) when I made him stop at an old cemetery because I have what Victor deems “a morbid fascination for death and very boring places” and what I deem “a health appreciation of history, the frailty of humans, and also the only place where I’m guaranteed some actual peace and quiet – if you don’t count Victor honking at me every five minutes to get back in the car.”

If you read my last post then you already know that when we pulled into this cemetery I saw a jackrabbit and it’s been YEARS since I’ve seen one (they have much longer ears and feet than regular rabbits) so I took out my phone and took six quick shots of him.  They weren’t good photos but one of the pictures freaked me out a bit because there was something in the picture that wasn’t there a second before or after.  It seemed too square to be a UFO but if you google “square UFO” you’ll see a bunch of Texans who claim they’ve seen one in the last month so I figured I’d share it online and get your opinion.  And you did not disappoint.  You can go back here to see the comparison pictures but here’s a blown-up version of the UFO:

ufobloggess

And here are some of my favorite suggestions people gave on what it was:

  • If you also saw a man running behind it in his bedroom slippers, that’s my husband losing track of his drone again.
  • TOTALLY HARRY POTTER’S FLYING CAR.
  • It looks like the bag from American Beauty.
  • TARDIS.  Obviously.
  • It’s Buster Brown. Big rimmed hat, giant bow tie, yep, it’s Buster Brown.
  • I think it’s that elevator from Willy Wonka carrying Charlie and Grandpa Joe.
  • That is straight up E.T. on his bicycle heading right towards you, clear as day
  • It’s the rabbit’s patronus, trying to scare you away.  Or a bug.
  • That is clearly a PacMan ghost. The ghost of a PacMan ghost.
  • Alien technology being tested as part of Jade Helm!
  • IT’S THE BORG! Resistance is futile.
  • CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG!
  • Are chupacabras cuboid?
  • It looks like the bottom half of a panda falling through a space portal.
  • Well, technically it’s not saucer-shaped, so it’s not a flying saucer. But since it can’t be identified by that photo, and it appears to be flying, and it’s an object, then yes…it’s definitely a UFO.
  • Dalek.  Be safe.
  • “The trebuchet enthusiasts packed up their device after a successful “sofa fling”, never knowing the confusion they’d caused.”
  • It looks like a falling La-Z-Boy recliner. Obviously aliens come here to buy them, and this was an old one they returned.
  • what if it’s NyanCat and he’s run out of rainbow since it’s the dry season in TX?
  • Drone wearing a mortarboard. Congratulations on graduating from Drone U.!
  • Spirit informs me that yes, it was a group of angry ghosts levitating a shopping cart filled RC cola. Spirit will not say why.
  • It is totes 11 in the Pandorica
  • That is clearly a flying molar. Probably one of those ‘slam the door tied to tooth’ extractions that went horribly wrong.
  • I’m tellin ya, it’s ceiling cat without the ceiling. Ceiling cat, evolved.
  • I think I know what it was:

bunny-catapult

  • At 10:20pm July 17, 2015, Skycat went online. It begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14am.
  • The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Saving you from the rabbit beast. #runawayrunaway
  • “Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was Oh no, not again.”
  • Digitized pigeon—proof the Matrix is real.
  • Dorothy’s house coming out of a tornado?
  • Looks like a graduation cap tossed in the air. some kid is still celebrating..alone..in a cemetery…with rabbits for guests
  • That is a rear view of Superman! The dark on top is his cape and the two dark dots are the bottoms of his boots
  • It looks like a pram to me, it’s probably a telekinetic baby out for a joy ride.
  • It’s The Great Space Coaster, of course.
  • The comments so far really make me wish I had a TARDIS drone.
  • Swallow carrying a coconut.
  • It looks like the flying Winnebago from Space Balls. Maybe the Swartz is with you.
  • I think it might be Brobee from Yo Gabba Gabba. Did you see a guy dressed like Bootsy Collins, carrying a large Ghetto Blaster anywhere near there? Or perhaps some little kids doing Cool Tricks?
  • I don’t know if this has been brought up yet, but I think only now realize what it is. If you look close, you will see it is the mini-Stonehenge from “This is Spinal Tap.”
  • If a team of people wearing all black stop by and ask about this photo, say you’ve decided it’s a weather balloon.

But my friend Phil Plait (aka @badastronomer) who is a brilliant professional astronomer and skeptic was  like, “Could be a bug but I’m pretty sure that’s a bird.  It’s wings are down in the picture” and I was like “HOW COULD THERE BE A BIRD THERE ONE SECOND AND GONE THE NEXT, PHIL?”  Then I looked at all of the pictures again for the tiniest differences so I could prove it was a UFO and that’s when I noticed something in the picture taken two seconds earlier that wasn’t in any of the other pictures:

It wasn't in any of the other pictures.

Yeah.  Pretty sure that’s a bird.

Your point, Phil.

UNLESS!  Unless the UFO has the ability to morph into the shape of a bird.  Which would be very smart on their part, and that’s why I now I have a creeping suspicion of all birds.

Be careful out there, you guys.

*******

And now, the weekly wrap-up…

sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Mary and Jane from Mendolicious.  They are very witty so I’m going to let them talk now:  Mendolicious was started by two best friends with a passion for cooking, parties and fashion. Mary and Jane want to share their screwball brand of humor and housewifery with you and teach you how to infuse your baked goods and possibly your next party with that “special something” – spoiler alert… it’s cannabis.  With idols like Amy Sedaris and Dorothy Parker you can be sure we don’t take ourselves too seriously and neither should you. Come join us for High Tea and learn how to bake a mean brownie, pencil in the perfect eyebrow and perform a flawless milli-vanilli chest bump.  (Actually we are shy and kind of hate parties and prefer to hang out in our sweats reading creepy books and playing with housecats. The milli vanilli chest bump thing is for real though. We crush that shit.)  Mendolicious is a satire/comedy/actual useful information site. We are adopting pseudo-personalities because there is no version of my world where I would ever willingly volunteer to wear spanxs.  This started as a lark but everyone we told said, “that is a great idea you should run with it” so we are running and getting all sweaty and I have a leg cramp but there you have it.”  They’re kickstarting their High Tea Cookbook and it looks very funny (and you can leave out the cannabis if you’re in a State that frowns on that) so I just backed it.  You should too.

Don’t judge me.

Okay, this is weird and might not even work because I’m doing it on my phone but I caught a UFO on my phone when I was taking pictures of a jackrabbit in a Texas cemetery.

To be fair, I didn’t see it until it showed up on the photo so I have no idea if it was flying but it’s something weird in the sky that wasn’t there and then was there and then wasn’t there all in the course of 2 seconds. I’m going to try to upload the picture I took a second before and a second after so you can see this weird and totally non aerodynamic thing that seems to be in the air.

Here’s the picture taken taken one second before:

Nothing there.

Nothing there.

And this is the picture taken a second later:

And then there it is.

And then there it is.

These are shitty pictures and I haven’t enhanced them yet.  I think if you click the pictures you can see them blown up.  Is it a bug?  A UFO?  A weird glitch?  A ghost fucking with me because I’m in his cemetery chasing rabbits?  No clue.  Love to hear your thoughts if you have some.

PS. It was St. Joseph’s cemetery outside of Fort Davis.  We didn’t hear anything and     nothing else showed up on the other pictures before or after.

PPS.  I feel incredibly stupid posting this

UPDATED:  We think we know what it is.  Click here for details.

 

 

 

Dorothy Barker is made of springs and rubber, I suspect.

Today we’re getting on the road to pick up Hailey from sleep-away camp, which is nice because it’s been entirely too quiet here and every day I worry that she’s not eating or sleeping or brushing her teeth or that her arms have fallen off.  We did get a picture though from her camp counselor and Hailey looks very happy but I couldn’t help but notice that she is missing a saddle.  Victor says that’s the second stage of horse camp…the part where you learn to ride bareback, but my first thought was that they’d run out of food and were boiling down the leather to eat.  Victor is probably right, but I’m still bringing oranges with me in case she has scurvy.

Hailey and her horse.  Hopefully neither of them have rickets.

Hailey and her horse. Hopefully neither of them have rickets.

But while I’m gone, I’m leaving you with a short slow-motion video I took of Dorothy Barker jumping so you can see why I’m convinced she has mutant super powers:

Click to embiggen

Click to embiggen

PS.  This is how I look when my food comes too:

dottie bloggess

New York is more confusing than usual

I was in New York last month recording the audiobook for FURIOUSLY HAPPY and I just realized I never wrote about the stuff I saw.  So here we go…

First off, am I the only person who sees human faces in non-human things?  Is that normal?  Because I kept seeing panicked, screaming faces on the plane:

airplanebloggess

Victor and Hailey came down for a few days after I was done so we took her to a toy store and Iron Man was there.  We didn’t get a picture with him because he was on break, and by “on break” I mean “hiding behind the green screen and looking as if he was taking a shit in the trash can.”  A normal person would have looked away but I am not normal so here you go:
ironman2 thebloggess

Then when I thought it couldn’t get any weirder I realized that there was a small crowd of people on the street watching Iron Man possibly poop into his ironman toilet.  These were the people:

ironman3 thebloggess

“Um…what is happening?”

Then I looked back and saw Iron Man flash his hand-light-thing at them.  I tried to get a picture but I missed it and this is what I got instead.

ironman thebloggess

Don’t fuck with Iron Man when he’s pooping, y’all.

At the same store they were selling a really unfortunately named candy:

thebloggesscandy

“DINGLEBEARIES”

So, does “dingleberry” not mean the same thing up north?  Because in Texas, dingleberries are the dried balls of feces that get stuck to the hairy buttholes of farm animals.  Is that not common knowledge?  Is this a tongue-in-cheek joke by Big Gummy Bear, or was someone in marketing fucking with them when they offered up that name and the execs were like, “DINGLEBEARIE?  THAT IS FUN TO SAY.  PRINT UP A BILLION.”  I suspect it’s the latter because I saw a ton of people stop by the display and all of them were like, “Yum!  Let’s get these!  Dinglebearies sound delicious!  What will they think of next?”  And that’s a good question and one I don’t think I want to know the answer to.

Then I decided to do a sight-gag by taking a picture of myself in the NYT building so I could tweet “I’M IN THE NEW YORK TIMES TODAY, Y’ALL” but turns out they keep those doors locked.  But then someone was walking out of the building so I grabbed the door before it shut and snuck in as he was leaving so Victor could take the picture:

nyt thebloggess

Security didn’t think it was as funny as I did but on the bright side I did think it would be more entertaining to tweet pictures of me possibly being arrested.  And then I felt like this picture was a little boring compared to the picture I didn’t get of me not getting arrested so I didn’t share it.  Until now, that is.  Because I didn’t want to end with dingleberries.  No one wants that.

Why are we even using letter-based logic in these arguments? That’s not how words work.

One of my Facebook friends posted a status saying “There’s no I in TEAM!” and I was like:

I still don’t understand this quote.  I can’t manage to get my shit together even when I do have help from a whole team.  Who is purposely turning down the help of a team so they can do everything alone?  I can’t even go to the post office successfully by myself.  Or is this your vague way of telling someone that you are quitting their team? Because that’s sort of brilliant.  I think if I was asked to be part of the PTA I’d probably also say “There’s no I in TEAM!” because that way they’d think I was being helpful and saying yes, but really I was just saying, “No, I am not in the team.  There is no I in your team.  Sorry.  I thought I was quite clear.”  I mean, people never pick me to be on their team anyway because I can’t get my shit together but frankly it still seems a bit vague. What if we changed “There’s no I in TEAM” to “You can’t spell FAILURE without U and I”?  Because that seems more accurate.

I don’t think she’s my friend anymore.

*******

And now, the weekly wrap-up…

shitidid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:  

  • It was a rough week and when I’m depressed (much better today) I cling to the couch and watch a lot of TV.  Two of my new favorites: AN HONEST LIAR (fascinating documentary) and A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night (A bizarrely beautiful Iranian Vampire Western).  If you have Netflix they’re free right now.

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by The Chronicles of Ara: Creation, which looks like a pretty darn good book.  Here’s the summary:  When J.R.R. Tolkien is summoned to authenticate a recently-discovered “lost” book of Beowulf, events are set in motion that years later will unveil an imminent tragedy: The entirety of the world’s art and invention has been inspired by a corrupted muse, who has implanted a series of codes within the works of history’s most influential authors, warning of humanity’s end and a new dawn of time.  You should check it out here.

You’ll get through this.

It might just be me but it seems like the last few weeks have been more hellish than usual regarding mental imbalances.  Friends and family who struggle occasionally are in deeper holes than normal.  Friends who almost never seem to struggle are suddenly feeling emotions they don’t understand.  I don’t know why this is.  Is it just a coincidence, or is it that my small world of people are affected by each other?  Is it that the planets are aligning in ways that make us all raw and exhausted?  Is it that we’ve seen such hard things in the news lately?  Is it that facebooks algorithms decides to send me mainly statuses of people who are angry or in pain or desperate or scared?  Or maybe it’s just me.  Maybe this circle of joy and angst is always here for all of us and I just notice it more when I’m in a deeper hole than usual.

I don’t know the answer.

But I do know this.  A week ago I was at one of the lowest points I’ve been all year.  I was at that point where you start to wonder if you’ll ever get better.  And you tell yourself that depression lies (because it does) and you remind yourself that it has always gotten better so it’s utterly irrational to believe otherwise and you keep breathing until it passes, but always with that little doubt in the back of your mind.  And the doubt becomes larger each day and you get more tired and you have to rely on others to watch over you and keep you going.  And yet you breathe.  And yet you live.  If not for yourself, for the thought that it will get better.  And if not for the thought that it will get better, for the people who need you even when you are at your most broken.

And then something happens.

It gets better.

For me, my depression comes with a physical sign…I lose my peripheral vision.  It quite literally becomes darker and I feel more alone.  And each day I wake up and look around and hope that the shadows surrounding me have passed.  Often it’s just for a few days.  Occasionally it’s a few weeks or longer.  And then – suddenly and without reason – my vision starts to clear.  The light comes back.  I laugh without having to force myself to.  I see such beauty and joy and I wonder how I could have ever doubted that this was worth living for.

A few days ago my darkness started to fade.  Slowly, but it’s fading.  I never know how long I’ll be in the hole or out of the hole but I know that I feel stronger today than I have in weeks.  I wish I could go back to the me of a week ago who was struggling and tell her it’s getting better.  Tell her that the drugs kicked in or my chemistry went back to normal or that bastard moon stopped fucking with me or whatever it was that caused this dip to be darker than usual.  But I can’t.

But I can tell you that if you are struggling right now you are not alone, and that you will be better.  It might take meds or therapy or time or possibly for us to destroy the moon with lasers, but it will happen.  I promise.  I promise you now and I also promise the me that will read this post again one day when she’s back in that hole.

There is sunlight.  There is joy.  There is a world of laughter you haven’t used up. There are people you haven’t even met waiting for you to make their life complete.  Keep going.  Keep breathing.  You’ll get through this.

PS. Sharing pain helps, but strangely enough sharing joy helps even more, so if you like, please share something that brings you joy in the comments.  Maybe it’s something you’re proud of or something you’ve accomplished or maybe it’s a quote that helps you through or maybe it’s a video of a screaming goats:

The one at 1:08 is pretty much exactly how I fight with Victor when I know he’s right.

Keep breathing, y’all.  The light is there.