Victor: What are you doing?
me: Making stuff for my store. It helps me break my writer’s block.
Victor: Who’s gonna buy a mug that says “I love to go down”? Are you making mugs for hookers again?
me: What? I don’t have a mug that says that.
Victor: Uh, yeah, you do. It’s right there.
me: That’s a guy on a slide. It means “I love slides.” Because I do. Because they’re whimsical. The fuck, Victor? Not everything is about sex.
Victor: That’s not a slide. It’s an escalator. That’s the universal sign for going down.
me: Really? I thought it was the universal sign for loving slides.
Victor: Why would there be a universal sign for loving slides?
me: WHY WOULDN’T THERE BE? SLIDES ARE AWESOME.
Victor: You just made a mug proclaiming the whimsical joy of oral.
me: FINE. I’ll add “I LOVE SLIDES” on the back.
Victor: Awesome. Then people will think you’re a good-time girl who likes to do it in the park.
me: This is all going on the blog.
And just like that, my writer’s block was gone.
Which I think proves that I was right all along.
*************
Speaking of writing, I’ve been working on a special thank you gift to everyone here who has been here to encourage me while I struggled through years of writing and rewriting my book and I finally have something. If you’d like to skip this small token of my affection you can go watch this video of a hedgehog taking a bath.
Still there? Awesome. Because everyone who preorders (or has already preordered) my book before March 16th gets a free, limited-edition, Hamlet Von Schnitzel bookplate for your book. Personally signed by me. (One per person. Offer only valid for US {non-PO Box} addresses right now, but they’re working on that. I’ll keep you posted.)
This is the bookplate:
By the way, This is my digital signature and it's much prettier than my real signature, so feel free to print this out and tape it to your book if you live in Canada or prefer something immediate and legible.
You have to fill out a tiny form here to get the bookplate mailed to you, and if forms make you nauseous you can just come to my book tour and get me to sign a copy there. I have no idea where I’ll be touring. Possibly just at my house. Or at your house now that I have your address.
Please have nachos ready.
Want to pre-order? Click on Hamlet Von Schnitzel for links.
PS. A huge special thanks to Penguin for printing and mailing out all of these because I’d have a nervous breakdown if I had to do this myself. Seriously, we owe them all a margarita. And some of those nachos probably.
Already pre-ordered? Awesome. Then click here to fill out the form to get your free, signed bookplate.
PPS. Thank you. I mean it completely when I tell you that I could not have finished this book without you, and I can’t even believe that it’s going to be out month after next. Freaking out a little. And by “a little” I mean “shitloads.”
PPPS. (I just wrote “Shitloads” and auto-correct was all “Oh, you mean, “shiploads“. We’ll change that for you.” Auto-correct, you know nothing of my work.)
UPDATED: Holy shit, you guys. My book is currently # 2 on Amazon’s humor list and #2 on Barnes and Nobles hot & trending list. I said on twitter that if it hit #1 I’d post a picture of me either naked or with twine and it doesn’t look like we’ll hit it, but I’m sending you something almost as good. Ferris Mewler. Nude. WITH TWINE.
What's so hard about this, Nathan Fillion? Even my cat can make this shit look good.
Seriously. THANK YOU. I am furiously happy and I owe it all to you. And to Ferris Mewler who isn’t so uptight about twine. Nathan Fillion could take a lesson.
UPDATED AGAIN: So, we somehow made it to #1, you guys. I plan on blaming you when Tina Fey comes after me with a cleaver for taking her spot for an hour. But true to my word, here’s a picture of me naked. Does it count as naked if I wear a hat? And a friend? I say yes.
Me, technically naked.
