I always forget about Valentine’s Day because it’s not really something we celebrate, but this year I’ve decided to get Victor something special:
It’s a jumbo bargain heart.
Because my love for Victor is enlarged and dangerous. And also thrifty.
But then he saw it in my cart and was like, “WHY DO YOU BUY THESE THINGS?” and I was like, “WHY DO YOU RUIN SURPRISES?” Then he accused me of buying it for myself, which is ridiculous because I already earmarked something for myself for Valentine’s Day (because I didn’t want Victor to feel bad that he got something and I didn’t). It’s an anatomical ear.
“THE BETTER TO HEAR YOU WITH,” I explained. Because love means listening. Or something. He was not impressed. But I still think it’s an awesome present and one most normal people would treasure.
Then he was like “Why is there a sack of human bones in your wish list?” and I was like “FOR YOU, ASSHOLE.” Although technically the bones aren’t for him. I just put them in my wish list so that I’d remember to show Victor that #1, there are weirder things to ask for for Valentine’s and #2, I want to be best friends with whoever left this review:
Yes. Very helpful.
Victor didn’t think it was funny and I wished I had my anatomical ear so I could hold it up and say “I CAN’T HEAR YOU WHEN YOU’RE BEING ILLOGICAL.”
I also made a note that maybe I should buy that real human rib so when we have a fight and I storm out I can be like “WE’RE DONE. HERE’S YOUR RIB BACK”. Admittedly, this would make more sense if we were more religious but it’s hard to stay reasonable when you’re considering buying human ribs on the internet. (Although, the price is very reasonable. $10 for a human rib? How do you even stay in business that way?)
My guess is that you get the customer hooked on ribs and then they move up to heads. Because yes, now you can buy a human head on Amazon from the same people. It’s $2k and does not qualify for Amazon Prime. No reviews, but there is one customer question, which reads simply “Is it female? Is it Asian?” I can’t tell if this is a fetish thing or not but I’m guessing so. This is the same company that sells a grab-bag of real human remains, which is odd, but not quite as unsettling as “Kay”, the woman who told the seller that she had enough human teeth and wanted to make sure her grab bag had larger bones in them. I think we’ve all had that problem, right?
No. No we haven’t.
And that’s why I wrote this post. So that Victor could read it and realize that compared to Kay I am a mighty fine catch. And compared to the guy selling human ribs on Amazon, Victor is an amazing specimen. No pun intended. And I’m going to tell him that. Because I have a big heart.
Or I will when it arrives in the mail.
PS. Victor doesn’t want my enlarged heart so instead I’m buying this pig that Amazon suggested I would like.
Amazon knows me better than Victor does.