Just get through Thanksgiving.

Tomorrow I’ll be spending Thanksgiving with my in-laws.  I never cook anything because I can’t operate a stove without the smoke alarm going off but I did offer to make the turkey this year just so I could make this:

cthurkey

It’s a Cthurkey and it was invented in Texas, because ofcourseitwas.

My offer was declined for some reason.

Another year of not cooking.  Everyone wins.

 

Compassion is painful. That’s how you know it’s working.

I’m sad about last night for a lot of reasons.  And if you are human, and allow yourself to be so, then you probably are too.  Maybe it’s the verdict that upset you, or the destruction afterwards, or the long and difficult path that has led us here and has shown us we have so much further to go before we get to the place where we want to be…a place where kindness and compassion and vulnerability are the things which can be lauded and seen and encouraged and felt.  Or maybe, like me, you’re upset about all of those things and you feel too defeated to want to care anymore.

But if you’re like me, you can’t switch those emotions off.  It’s so much easier to turn those feelings of vulnerability and hurt into a shield of rage.  Rage feels powerful and strong.  It feels good.  And rage is important.  But not at the cost of compassion.  If, like me, today you woke up weary and wanting to become numb, or turn away, or lash out angrily at everyone involved then I feel you.  But I encourage you to keep compassion at the forefront.  Remember humanity.  Remember that your words and actions make a difference.  Remember that the majority of us are so much better than the worse things we see in the news, and that so many of us are leading a quiet revolution to be kind, and compassionate, and to listen to the hurt, and amplify the things that will make a positive difference in our world.  It’s a quiet revolution that will never be covered on CNN.  It’s a movement of people who redirect anger to kindness.  Who listen even when it’s painful.  Who take the hurt of others on ourselves and feel it so that we can become better people.  Who wade into horrible online threads and inject compassion and reason because we know that it can become contagious if done the right way.  Who hope that reason and empathy will somehow lead to a place which is safer for our children and grandchildren.

Yesterday someone sent me this photo and it’s stayed with me, and it helped.  If you’re like me, maybe it’ll help you too.

hope

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant? ~ Henry David Thoreau

I don’t usually write about serious things like this because I think of this blog as a place for us to get away from the crazy bullshit of the world.  A place to laugh and heal and be ridiculous.  But sometimes healing comes in different ways and I need to write this so I can let go of some of this angst and refocus on what positive things I can do next.  Like donating to the Ferguson Library, which has served as a quiet sanctuary for so many children and adults.

Tomorrow we’ll be back to ridiculous cat pictures and possibly a story about an alligator in my toilet.  And tomorrow we’ll still feel compassion for the people who are struggling, and will continue to do our best to enact positive changes in our own ways.

I hope to God both of those things are true.

EVERY day is Cat Day

Apparently National Cat Day was October 29th and I missed it, so I guess that explains why Ferris Mewler threw up in my shoe.  In my defense, it was just World Cat Day in August.  Why do cats need so many days?  No clue.  But to make up for whatever I did to offend the cats I’m sharing the pictures I took of Ferris Mewler, who was ignoring me badly in spite of the fact that he would starve without me:

NOPE

Is it just me or is he flipping me off in that last picture?  Because I think he is.

This is exactly why people prefer dogs, Ferris.

 

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And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

SID3

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit that I’m vaguely involved with on the internets:

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

This week‘s wrap-up is brought to you by Crumple + Toss, who are perfect for your holiday stationery needs. Everything from typical Christmas fare: nativities, poinsettias, and the like, to irreverent and hilarious selections guaranteed to offend.  This one is a personal fave.  Christmas not your jam? There’s plenty of Chanukah cards as well as “Happy Whatever” to cover your ass in awkward situations.  Come have a look around!

The things you don’t know might just bite you in the…well, not the ass, exactly.

Last week I was discussing the taint with my friends (as you do) and wondered aloud how that part of your body even got a name and one of my friends was like, “Seriously?  Because it t’aint your butthole and it t’aint your genitals.”  And I just sat there with my mind blown because I HAD NO IDEA.

This is exactly what friends are for.  To help you with your taint.  Not literally though.  Being a friend means never having to physically help with someone else’s taint. That should go on a greeting card.

Anyway, I was just thinking about all of the other things that I don’t know that are common knowledge and I wish I had a list of them but I don’t because I don’t know them yet.  So if you have any super-obvious things you found out much later than everyone else please share them here because that way I’ll feel better about myself and maybe we’ll all learn something.

The more you know…

PS. I just made my newest educational stationary:

card

 

UPDATED: The Church of Bloggessianism. Choose your title, strangelings.

A few weeks ago I was accidentally made the leader of a church which doesn’t actually exist and now we have over 2,000 members.  I’m pretty sure than makes me some sort of Pope so please send me hats.

roundbloggessianism

More about that here if you missed it.

We decided that it would be nice to have some commandments, but “Commandment” seemed a bit pushy so we’re leaning more toward “Helpful Hints” or “Life Hacks”.  I came up with the first few.  The rest are a few of my favorites you’ve come up with.  Feel free to add your own:

Current Life Hacks for the Church of Bloggessianism:

  • Don’t be an asshole.
  • Extra gravy for everyone.
  • Two holy days of observance each month requiring Bloggessians to take the day off and watch bad tv or read in bed. We also get all the regular holidays off for every other religion because we’re incredibly open-minded and like to support other beliefs as well. This includes Talk-Like-A-Pirate-Day, National Donut Day, Deviled Egg Appreciation Day, etc. (FYI…today is National Sundae Day, even though it’s Tuesday, but it’s nice because you need to leave right now and eat ice cream for religious reasons.)
  • If you see a sloth you are given special dispensation to hug it. Present your official card to any zoo officials.
  • Here is your official I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Because-It’s-Against-My-Religion-Not-To card.
  • Mosquitos are now illegal.
  • Wearing slippers and pajamas in public is a sign of your faith and you’re allowed to kick judgey people in the knee if they question you. Togas are also acceptable if you are feeling particularly religious or if you’ve run out of clean clothes altogether.
  • Bacon at every meal. Chocolate dipped bacon for special high holidays.
  • Blessed are the pickles, for they are pickled.
  • Thou shall always ask for help when you need it.
  • Thou shall carry thy metal spork for all sudden stabby needs.
  • Thou shall glitter-bomb assholes.
  • Thou shall get your slow ass out of the fast lane.
  • Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s giant metal chicken.
  • Thou shalt not lick foxen, unless the foxen are into it.
  • Thou shalt not share things on facebook until thou hast verified their truth.
  • Thou shalt not throw co-workers under the bus.
  • Thou shalt not leave your cart in the middle of the grocery aisle and wander off to find tuna fish.
  • Thou shalt not talk to people who are less than 10 pages from the end of the book they are currently reading
  • Thou shalt not make commandments.
  • Thou shalt not shalt others. 
  • Honor the saints of Bloggessianism. St. Wil of Collating.  St. Jeri Ryan of Spatula. Nancy W. Kappes, Patron Saint of Chemical Substances.  James Garfield, Patron Saint of Taxidermy.  Etc.
  • Special dispensation from parallel-parking.
  • Pants are always optional. Always.
  • We brake for taxidermy. Also chocolate. And phantom Sasquatches.
  • Never stand if you can sit.  Never sit if you can lie down.
  • We all get our own pony.
  • Cadbury mini eggs are available year round.
  • And none for Gretchen Weiners.
  • You may decline on the gravy, or give your gravy as a charitable contribution to those less gravied.
  • Christmas is a mandatory onesie day.
  • No one leaves the house until all cookies are eaten.
  • All orphaned pygmy hippos will be adopted, and named George.
  • On the sabbath, excerpts shall be read from “The Phantom Tollbooth.”
  • Take care of each other.
  • Never take advice from someone with bad eyebrows.
  • The go-to phrase for asking anybody to hold something shall invariably be, “Hold my poodle.”
  • Everything comes with a side of pancakes.
  • No observances during the Zombie Apocalypse.
  • Whosoever believeth in me shall be confused all the days of their lives.
  • FOR CHRIST’S SAKE, LOIS. THIS IS CAMP. GET TOUGH OR DIE.
  • Depression lies.
  • Red dresses are sacred.
  • Bloggessians may be taxidermied upon death and kept in the family home. Keeping them fashionably dressed is a must or you may be haunted by them.
  • The only weapons we believe in are books and we believe in heavily arming everyone.
  • Mandatory Cupcake Monday
  • Taco Tuesday
  • Saturday is now Caterday.
  • Time is a “wibbly wobbly concept” and therefore deadlines are portals that must be avoided unless we’re okay with being trapped in a rift.
  • Bloggessians can decline social events without guilt for any reasons related to their heads getting in the way.
  • Celebrate the awkwarding.
  • Never let anyone be awkward all alone.
  • Remember that thou art as special and irreplaceable as the people you love most. 
  • Keep the Victor in thy prayers and do not succumb to the wrongness; forever and ever or until the gravy runs out.
  • Wine shall be an acceptable beverage at all hours of the day.
  • Everyone should be owned by at least one animal.
  • Naps shall be mandatory.
  • Members of the church can still be members of any other religion or lack-thereof, but membership into the Double Unicorn Success Club is automatic.
  • Spiders must ask permission before entering a home.
  • All members, male and female alike, shall have their own tiaras.
  • Inappropriate giggling is always appropriate.
  • Share your successes. Share your failures. Share your booze.
  • No icy cold weather allowed. But sometimes snow.
  • Our biggest tenet is David Tenant.
  • One can NEVER have too many towels.
  • Above all things, we strive to be furiously happy. If that doesn’t work, wine slushees usually will.
  • The official religious sacrament offerings are tiny cakes made for squirrels.
  • If a llama is within ten feet of you, then you can try to ride it if the llama is into it.  If you’re feeling extra religious you may wave a flag. (Pirate flag is suggested.)
  • Tithing is expected.  It is also expected that you spend all of your tithing on ridiculous things that you would never buy for yourself except now you have to because it’s a religious requirement.
  • (INSERT YOUR COMMANDMENT HERE.)

These commandments might seem contradictory, but that’s fitting because being contradictory is also part of our (dis)organized religion.

Everyone in the Church of Bloggessianism is given an official title when they feel they are ready for that level of responsibility.  “Strangeling” is the perfect beginner title for all neophytes who don’t yet know what unique title they want to settle on. Once you’ve decided that being weird is a good thing you are officially a Strangeling. Then, once you’ve eaten a good slice of pie, or watched a zombie move, or accomplished something a grown-up should have to do, you become qualified to choose any title that best fits your personality.  Right now I’m Jenny Lawson, Notorious Lion Whisperer.  I’ve already picked out my business cards.  Here’s a helpful chart if you need suggestions picking a title (or page down to have one randomly assigned).

choose your own title

Or if there are just too many options you can use this clever thing my brilliant friend made us:

The Random Title Generator for the Church of the Bloggessianism

(My randomly assigned title today was Dreadful Overlord of Ermine Canon.  I approve.)

If you’d like to commemorate your title (or bestow a title to a special someone) you can customize this card with your title.  The official I-Can-Hold-A-Sloth-Card is printed inside.  Any profits raised by the church will go to buying taxidermy and helping homeless children, but a basic tenet of the church should be “No helping homeless children if you don’t want to” so you have full permission to just print this out for free yourself.  (PS. The coupon code TISTHESEASON gets you 60% off that card this week.)

bloggesschurch

sloth

Now go out and be awesome.

May peace and gravy follow you the rest of your days.

I can’t go for that.

I’ve never liked the song I Can’t Go For That because this guy seems totally untrustworthy.  I’ve never actually paid attention to all the lyrics but the chorus is telling enough, I think:

“I’ll do anything that you want me to.”

“Oh.  I’ll do almost anything that you want me to.”

“I CAN’T GO FOR THAT.”

“No, I…  NO CAN DO.”

“ICAN’TGOFORTHAT. ICAN’TGOFORTHAT. I CAN’T GO FOR THAAAAAT!”

I’m not sure why he changed so suddenly but it certainly shows his lack of dedication.  He’s like Blaine in Pretty in Pink.  “I’ll do anything that you want me to.”  Really, Blaine?  Will you tell your friends about me?  “Well, almost anything.”  What about prom, Blaine? “I CAN’T HEAR YOU.  LALALALALA.”

In fairness, I should listen to the full song because maybe the singer was like, “Baby, I’ll do anything you want.  Wanna a neck rub?” and she was like, “No, but you could help me with this cocaine enema.  I’ll get the towels” and he was like, “Well, I meant…almost anything.”  And she was like, “Can you help me dismember a body?” and he was all “Can I do what now?  No.”  And then she’s like,  “Fine.  I need you to kill this kitten for Satan” and he was all, “You want me to kill Mr. Tinkles?  WHAT IS YOUR DEAL, LADY?  NO CAN DO.”

Honestly, I bet she didn’t even want to date him.  She was probably just testing to see if he was really fully invested.  Or to teach him the importance of avoiding hyperbole and exaggeration when it comes to seduction.  Or maybe she was just really into Satan and cocaine enemas.  Hard to tell.  Frankly, the whole song just makes me glad I’m not single.  Victor and I have been married for 18 years and our song is more like “I can’t clean up that cat vomit or I’ll vomit too.”  “Fine.  I’ll clean up the cat vomit if you handle all the large spiders that get in the house.”  “Deal.”  “You want get some tacos?”  “Yeah.  I could go for that.”  It’s not as rhymey but it works for us.

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And now, the weekly wrap-up of awesomeness:

sidmouse

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit that I’m vaguely involved with on the internets:

Shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

Shit you should buy or steal because it’s awesome:

  • This.  Just for the reviews alone.

This week‘s wrap-up is brought to you by the always fabulous SilkWords.  They specialize in choose-your-own-adventure online erotic stories and right now they’re doing a few where the story unfolds with reader participation. Readers are given choices and then vote on what happens next, and then the author writes the next installment. Membership is free for adults.  You should check them out here.

It’s weird. But all the best things are.

I’ve been super sick for the past few days but I got my voice back today (much to Victor’s chagrin) and the steroids are kicking in but not really enough to write a real post so instead I’m posting this, which I started writing a long time ago but never finished.  It feels undone and not properly tied together, but in a way that makes sense because “unbalanced and disjointed” is a pretty fair description if we’re doing a realistic portrait of me anyway:

Remember a few months ago when I said I’d share the rest of the photos that my friend amazingly talented friend Brooke Shaden took of me, but then I promptly forgot?

Well, I remembered.  So here they are.

This the first, which I already wrote about here.

thebloggessandbrookeshaden

But here are two more:

small powder

And…

small red dress

I’ll always keep them because they’re ethereal and dark and magical, but really I love them most of all because I can’t look at the pictures without remembering walking barefoot in the swamp while wearing ripped dresses that wouldn’t zip up over my boobs. Or having Brooke douse me in baby powder while my daughter gleefully looked for fireflies and Victor set off smoke bombs.  Or literally falling off that log in the bottom picture while trying to adjust my antler as a baffled hiker walked by.  Also, I now know why people use the phrase “as easy as falling off a log” because it is very easy, if you don’t count the hassle of stitches afterward.

It’s weird.  But then, all the best things are.