Owl just apologize in advance.

Victor and I have had running pun wars since we first got married.  One person starts with a terrible pun and the next has to come up with a worse one on the same subject until the other person gives up.  Last night I couldn’t sleep so I decided to make a shirt for Victor:

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And he was like, “Huh.  Looks like you’re making an owlmlette,” and I groaned, “That’s a terrible pun, but owl allow it,” and he said “Fine.  Looks like you’re making hot wings,” and I said, “From Hooters?” and Victor stared at me for a second and said, “I just have one question.  Hoo left the grill on?” and I sang, “Hoo?  Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!” and then Hailey asked how old she had to be to  file for emancipation and I was like, “That’s not how puns work, Hailey.  Like, you could say ‘HOO do I have to talk to about being removed from this home?’  That would work.”  And Victor was like, “Except technically we’ve used ‘hoo’ so that’s just lazy punning.  We expect better from you, young lady.”  And then Hailey went to her room. Probably to work on her owl puns.

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

sid2

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by House Rules Cafe, a board game cafe in Hudson, NY with a library of games available for in-house play. It doesn’t exist yet, but with your help it will.  Click here to find out how you can build it.  The layout of the cafe will feature a nook reserved specifically for children, and a collection of games that appeals to all age groups, including young adults. As a family-friendly alternative to the usual nightlife, it will be a unique business for Hudson.  The menu will consist of delicious comfort foods and the cafe will also have a strong sense of social responsibility, with anxiety and sensory sensitive events, fair trade products, and participation in programs like Suspended Coffees. “This is an opportunity to drive the board game industry in a new direction,” says owner Kathleen Miller, “one that is inclusive, community-focused, and kind.”  Sounds pretty bad-ass to me.  Click here to take a look.

A special thank you for your support! (If you’re buying my next book read this now.)

My next book, YOU ARE HERE, comes out week after next and so many of you have already gone and preordered a copy or are preordering this week and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it.  This book is very different from anything I’ve done before and it went from a life-raft of sketches that kept me sane during a deep depression to an actual book because you guys showed such an interest in how my broken brain deals with bullshit through art and words.  I wanted to say thank you for supporting this strange journey and my publisher came up with a really wonderful way to do it.  (I love them.)

So, as a special thank you, if you’ve preordered YOU ARE HERE my publisher will send you a YOU ARE HERE book bag for free.  It’s quite awesome and you can dye it or color it or you can leave it the way it is.  Or you can fill it with cow intestines and leave it in the trunk of that guy who cheated on you.  SO MANY OPTIONS.

If you want one just go here and fill out your info.  (I think they’re just shipping to North America.  Sorry everywhere else.)  You do have to share a picture proving you bought it just to keep randos from stocking up on a thousand free bags but it’s not hard.  For instance, if you ordered from Amazon just go to your orders and do a screenshot of the order.  Here’s my example.  If you click on your name it’ll show your address and all that but I didn’t for this example because NOT TODAY, STALKERS.

I ordered a copy of my own book. Stop judging me.

Yes, I ordered a copy of my own book. Stop judging me.

Want to see what the bags look like?

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Pretty awesome.  It’s first come, first served until they are gone and there are only a few thousand so be sure to submit your stuff as soon as you can.

And thank you again for everything.  You are full of magic.

PS. Spellcheck keeps trying to change “randos” to “pandas” and now I can’t stop thinking of pandas carrying my book bag around.  These are the moments I wish I was better at photoshop.

UPDATED: From Rachel Moskowitz, who is better than tacos:

Magic.

Magic.

Honestly, they should have called it Labiastick.

So I was in the waiting room of my shrink’s office and someone sent me an email informing me that some guy invented a lipstick that you’re supposed to use to glue your vagina shut so that you don’t have a period and I was like, “I don’t think it works like that.  Like, any of it” and then my shrink walked in and was like, “Are you okay?” because apparently I had a weird look on my face and I was like, “Someone invented lipstick glue to seal off your vagina?  Like a cave-in, I think?” and then I think she wanted to increase my meds but I explained that I wasn’t hallucinating and found the article about it and she agreed that the world is weird right now.

And then I said, “How would that even work?  Would you be like, ‘Could you excuse me?  I need to go to the bathroom.  I think my vagina became unsealed.'”  And my shrink was like, “A man invented this, right?” and yeah.  It’s even named “Mensez” which seems like a joke in itself.  Also, you’d have to be really careful not to accidentally use the wrong lipstick on your face and seal your mouth shut, especially since the article says the glue is only dissolved with urine.

Now my head hurts and also I wasted half of my psych session discussing vagina glue.  And that’s how my whole day has gone.

UPDATED:

Actual image of lipstick from Mensez.com:

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“I’m just going to borrow your chapstick, okay?” ~ soon-to-be disgusted friend who needs to stay out of other people’s purses.

Hey. Let’s be friends.

So, I’ve had quite a few people lately reach out and say that they sometimes feel alone because there aren’t enough weirdos near them and they wish they could connect more to others in this community but they don’t know how.

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And that makes sense because a great many of us here (including myself) are awkward introverts…

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….and so making friends on the internet is a goddam miracle.

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And it’s  awesome because on the internet you can find people who are weird in the same strange way you are.

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There’s probably an easier way of doing this but let’s try this.  Want to get connected with other people who are awesome, broken and weird enough to think this place is not horribly offensive?  FUCK YEAH I DO!  Oh wait.  Sorry.  I answered myself.

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If you want to make some new friends just leave a comment with your twitter handle or Facebook link and say something about yourself.

I’ll start.  I’m Jenny and I’m a writer.  I’m afraid of people and I like cat videos.  When I get depressed I hide so don’t be mad if I disappear sometimes.  I’m on Facebook here but I’m on twitter way more so here’s the link to me.

Let’s be friends?

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And even if you aren’t on social media, know that you’re a part of the community and not alone.  I’m sending you hugs.  A variety of different ones depending on what you are personally comfortable with.

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PS. When I was looking for gifs this one came up under “I feel lonely.”  I thought I should share.

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Love you.

Don’t walk upside down in the middle of the street, y’all.

So, I came across this sign yesterday:

huh

…and I couldn’t decide if it meant “don’t walk upside down” or “don’t stand on your head in this particular intersection” but I suspect it most likely means “Don’t hang signs while drunk”.  All are good advice though so I thought I’d share it here.

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

sid2

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Heather McVea,  author of urban fantasy, paranormal, and adventure-laden romps through any number of worlds. (With a healthy dose of romance, sarcasm and snark added.)  From Heather: “I subscribe to the basic beliefs that a day without vampires is like a day without sunshine, and you never can tell the good witch from the bad witch. In pursuit of those tenets, I have a five book series set in San Antonio, TX (Waking Forever Series), and have just published book two of a four book series set in Baltimore, MD (Elements Series). I also have a standalone book (November’s End), and two novellas (Turn Darkly and Wayward Destiny).”  You should check them all out here.

I’m thinking I just need to buy the sasquatch so that I have it in case I need to give an emergency present.

Today NPR reported that some guy stole a giant chicken and weirdly, I got sent that story a lot on twitter.  Then I realized something:

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So then I decided to text Victor:

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He did not respond.

But others were interested. So I gave them this link.  And I used my affiliate link because I was pretty sure once people saw that you could buy a life-sized yeti for $2,500 (AND FREE SHIPPING) they would jump on that shit:

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Surprisingly, all 20 are still available.

But the best (?) part was at the bottom:

Click to embiggen

Click to embiggen

Products related to this item: heat-resistant gloves, a 6-foot faceless, poseable dummy, a possum trap, a series of lights for growing pot.

Customers who viewed this item also viewed: Wigs for your dog, Gandhi Face-Ka-Bobs, two, live adult hissing cockroaches, and “Reverse Vaginal Tighting Gel for Women”.  

And now I have questions.  Because the “For Women” designation seems a bit unnecessary and also, wouldn’t a reverse vaginal tightening gel be a vagina-loosening gel?  Is that a thing people want?  To loosen their vaginas?  I sort of want to look but I’m not going to because then I will be bombarded with targeted ads asking “HEY, IS YOUR VAGINA STILL ON TOO TIGHT?  DO YOU NEED HELP?” and then I’ll just have to leave the internet.  I don’t even have jokes for this, y’all.  I blame the giant missing chicken in Carolina who started this whole mess.

YOU ARE HERE is here! (Sort of.)

YOU GUYS.  LOOK WHAT JUST CAME IN THE MAIL:

youarehereishere

AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!  That was my excited scream.  Sorry.

Less than three weeks until the tour.  It’s almost like it’s real.

PS. Wanna see inside?

Stuff and junk

So yesterday I was sort of in hiding because I either had the flu or I was depressed and I couldn’t tell which and I was hoping for the flu because that usually leaves quicker but then I woke up feeling shitty again this morning and I realized my head was broken so I called my friend and I was like, “I’m broken.  Will you come to my house and watch Drunk History with me so it’s almost like I’m leaving the house but not really?” and she was like, “Hells yeah.  We’re all broken. That shit’s making the rounds, my friend” but then when she came in I sort of saw my house for the first time with new eyes and I was like, “Hey.  So.  I just realized my Christmas tree is still up.  So, that’s happening” and because she’s nonjudgmental she was like, “You should keep that shit up all year.  It’s a lovely night-light” and I was like, “Maybe it’s a Valentine’s Day Tree.  And my valentine is Santa Claus.  Because he’s pretty much the only one on the tree the cats haven’t knocked down.”  And then we watched TV and laughed and the house animals sat in our laps and I felt human again.  So here is to friends who are better than prozac.  Also, she makes bad-ass bags.  And she was in that chapter of my book about how I lost those dead cat koozies in my house.  You know her.

PS.  I’m not drunk.  I’m just not correcting my run-on sentences.

PPS.  I just heard that the paperback copy of Furiously Happy is #4 on the Indie Bestseller List.  Y’ALL.  That is nuts.  People who bought Furiously Happy + people who support independent bookstores = the Venn diagram of people I want to lick on the face.

PPPS.  Speaking of which, I just got 300 pounds of posters that I carried into my house and signed for Independent Bookstore Day and they are LUSCIOUS.  Like, thick, heavy paper that you’d print diplomas on.  If you get one and you have pet allergies you should maybe shake it out a bit because I had help.

thank-you

PPPPS.  If you’re struggling right now too just put on the tv and pretend I’m there with you on the couch.  Because I am.  We all are.

PPPPPS.  Spellcheck just told me that “nonjudgmental” is not a word and it was like “Did you mean to say ‘JUDGEMENTAL’? and no, I didn’t because that’s the opposite of what mean and, by the way, THAT’S NOT EVEN HOW YOU SPELL ‘JUDGMENTAL’, SPELLCHECK.  THIS IS WHY NO ONE LIKES YOU.

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it’s in the damn dictionary, spellcheck.  Stop judging me.

Is there supposed to be an extra "e" in there? I don't even know anymore.

Is there supposed to be an extra “e” in there? I don’t even know how to spell anymore.

PPPPPPS.  It also says “koozies” isn’t a real world.  I trust nothing.

And then I was attacked by a thousand rattlesnakes.

Every single night I go walking in the dark with Dorothy Barker because it’s cooler at night and I love the dark.  Hailey comes with me sometimes but she’s always a bit freaked out because she’s unnerved by the dark so we stay on our block.  I always try to teach her that the dark is good because you can hide in it but she thinks I’m nuts.  But last night she was at a sleepover and Victor was out of town so Dottie and I went walking and I was listening to Lore (my new favorite podcast about dark, terrible things) while we walked and this episode was about Elizabeth Báthory who murdered a shitload of people and may have bathed in their blood and I was thinking that it was good that Hailey wasn’t there because she would have been freaked out and then I heard this noise and it was like a rattlesnake spitting at me and then there was another and then it sounded like a thousand rattlesnakes had awoken and were spitting and shaking and Dottie was like “WTF IS GOING ON HERE?” and then it got immediately way too cold and I was suddenly completely drenched in what I could only imagine was blood or poison or both.

Turns out it was the sprinkler system turning on in my neighbor’s lawn and I was drenched because I was too afraid to move away and anger the snakes that were actually sprinkler heads.

And that’s pretty much how my whole week went.  You?

*******

And now…time for the weekly wrap-up!

bloggess sid

 

Shit I made in my shop (Named “EIGHT POUNDS OF UNCUT COCAINE” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

Shit-you-may-or-may-not-want-to-see:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by Melt: massage for couples. Basically it’s an instructional massage video that teaches how to give bad-ass massages with a simple, step-by-step video guide. It costs less than one professional massage and you have it forever with unlimited access. Plus, if you’ve been putting off buying a Valentine’s Gift and now you’re panicking you can get this right now and not have to run to the grocery store for a bunch of shit no one wants.  And it’s on sale until Valentine’s Day, so bonus!  Check it out here.

I’M COMING TO YOUR TOWN. (But only if you live in one of the towns on my upcoming tour. Otherwise you may have to take a road trip.)

So!  YOU ARE HERE: An Owner’s Manual For Dangerous Minds comes out in 3 weeks and that means I’m going on tour!  Yay!  It’s just seven stops but we tried to add a few places that I’ve never toured before so hopefully it will be awesome.  And if it isn’t and only two people show up then we will skip the reading and just go to a bar and drinks are on me.  Either way, you win.

More details to come closer to the date but here’s a quick look at where we’ll be next month:

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I’ll update as I get details but I can tell you that usually all my readings/signings are free (one place has a $5 ticket fee because they have to rent a place to host it) and usually if you buy the book from the bookstore hosting the event you get a guaranteed seat and you get to go first in the signing line and you help keep the bookstore in business, which is a very good thing.  I will happily sign anything you want though, no matter where you got it.  Boobs, babies, books, Beyoncés….whatever.

Also, if you can’t make it to any of the events but you want a signed copy of one of my books (or several) you can usually call and order one from any of the stores and ask them to have me personalize one for you while I’m there and they’ll mail it to you or you can pick it up.  You have to do it a bit early though because sometimes places run out of books quicker than expected.

Please come!  My readings are totally laid-back and filled with introverts and weirdos.  The good kind of weirdos.

More details to come…