So I was just sitting here in my office when I saw a dog wearing a coat who was walking across my yard. Then I notice that she was limping and then she ran out in the road and someone almost hit her so I ran outside to pick her up so I could bring her in and call whoever was on her tags. She was one of those tiny purse dogs (I don’t know dog names) so I figured I could just scoop her up but she kept an inch away from me every time I got close and so I ended up walking after a strange dog in a coat for like a mile. And it kept running in the road in front of other people’s cars and I’d have to dart out to get them to slow down and they’d give me a look like “Keep your dog on a leash, bitch” but I DON’T EVEN HAVE A DOG, SO STOP GIVING ME EVIL EYES. And then I finally got close enough to pick the dog up and she was like “Hey, I’m a normal wounded animal and you’re a stranger so guess what’s gonna happen? This. This is going to happen.” And she bit me. Not hard, but enough that if she was a zombie I’d be cutting my hand off right now. And then I couldn’t let go of the bitey dog because then it would run off and I wouldn’t know if it had had it’s shots and I’d probably get rabies. And I couldn’t call Victor to help me because I’d left my phone and never told him where I was going so he was probably out looking for me and mad that I just disappeared. So I’m getting bit by a bitey dog in a jacket and I’m also defensive about Victor probably yelling at me about this all being my fault. And people outside checking their mail kept giving me looks like I’m a bad dog mom because this dog was definitely not pleased with me and I’m like “THIS ISN’T EVEN MY DOG. I’M THE GOOD PERSON HERE. YOU GUYS ARE THE ASSHOLES.” But I said it in my head because I figured yelling would just freak the dog out more and increase the biting. Then I finally get to the house the dog belonged to and the dog’s owner was very sweet and grateful to get the dog back and the dog has all it’s shots and everything is good, except that the dog has to go to the vet for the limpy-leg thing and probably for heat-exhaustion too because it’s not really cold enough in Texas for a dog to be wearing that heavy of a coat.
So then I walked back home and I went into Victor’s office and he was sitting there and I said “Well, I don’t have rabies” and he just looked at me and said “Why would you have rabies?” And then I realized that he never even noticed that I missing and was being attacked. So I explained and he was like “This all happened while I was on my conference call? You’re just picking up stranger’s dogs all willy-nilly?” And yes. I was. And I want a medal. And for someone to assure me that my tetanus shot is up to date. And for dogs to get out of the street. I don’t think I’m asking too much.
PS. There’s probably a lot of typos in here but you can’t blame me because I just got bit by a dog.
PPS. This is the second time I’ve been bit by a random dog. Dogs think I’m delicious. That’s not the kind of flattery I need.