All things considered, the last six months have been a goddam Victorian tragedy. Today Victor handed me a letter informing me that another friend had unexpectedly died. You might think that this would push me over the edge into an irreversible downward spiral of xanax and Regina Spektor songs but no. It’s not. I’m fucking done with sadness, and I don’t know what’s up the ass of the universe lately but I’ve HAD IT. I AM GOING TO BE FURIOUSLY HAPPY, OUT OF SHEER SPITE.
Can you hear that? That’s me smiling, y’all. I’m smiling so loud you can fucking hear it. I’m going to destroy the goddamn universe with my irrational joy and I will spew forth pictures of clumsy kittens and baby puppies adopted by raccoons and MOTHERFUCKING NEWBORN LLAMAS DIPPED IN GLITTER AND THE BLOOD OF SEXY VAMPIRES AND IT’S GOING TO BE AWESOME. In fact, I’m starting a whole movement. The #FURIOUSLYHAPPY movement. And it’s going to be awesome because first of all, we’re all going to be VEHEMENTLY happy, and secondly because it will freak the shit out of everyone that hates you because those assholes don’t want to see you even vaguely amused, much less furiously happy and it will make their world turn a little sideways and will probably scare the shit out of them. Which will make you even more happy. Legitimately. Then the world tips in our favor. Us: 1. Assholes: 8,000,000. That score doesn’t look as satisfying as it should because they have a bit of a head-start. Except you know what? Fuck that. We’re starting from scratch. Us: 1. Assholes: 0.
My first act being FURIOUSLYHAPPY was to share the link to this video which always makes me smile and then my friends from Dr. Pants were all “You know, we have happy songs too, idiot” and they’re totally right so I went to youtube and typed in “Dr. Pants” and youtube was all “Ooh, you mean “Dr. Pants ‘hey abe lincoln’” and I was all “Um...no. I don’t even know what that means” but youtube was all “OF COURSE YOU DO. HERE ARE THE RESULTS” and this is what showed up:
What the fuck, youtube? I’m so confused I don’t even know what to say. Especially since there are several Dr. Pants videos on youtube and you didn’t bring up any of them. But then I thought about how ridiculous this whole thing is and I laughed, which was awesome because it reminded me that I am FURIOUSLYHAPPY. Your turn. What makes you FURIOUSLYHAPPY? Leave it in the comments. Put it on twitter. Send it to your friends. Furiously.
PS. This is the actual Dr. Pants video I was looking for. Skip the first minute though because tuning your guitar is mildly melancholy and is neither furious nor happy.
PPS. I just realized that two of my friends died in the last week and that death comes in threes but you don’t need to worry that you’re next because I plan on stabbing someone I don’t like just to protect you all. You’re welcome. Except for the person I’m going to stab. You’re kinda fucked. But you’re technically saving the life of someone else so I’m pretty much making you a martyr. A martyr that will be buried in my backyard. You totally owe me.
PPPS. FURIOUSLY HAPPY.
PPPPS. I need a back-hoe.