The fight goes on.

If you follow me on twitter you already know that I’ve been battling off one of the most severe bouts of depression I’ve ever had.  Yesterday it started to pass, and for the first time in weeks I cried with relief instead of with hopelessness.  Depression can be crippling, and deadly.  I’m lucky that it’s a rare thing for me, and that I have a support system to lean on.  I’m lucky that I’ve learned that depression lies to you, and that you should never listen to it, in spite of how persuasive it is at the time.

When cancer sufferers fight, recover, and go into remission we laud their bravery.  We call them survivors.  Because they are.

When depression sufferers fight, recover and go into remission we seldom even know, simply because so many suffer in the dark…ashamed to admit something they see as a personal weakness…afraid that people will worry, and more afraid that they won’t.  We find ourselves unable to do anything but cling to the couch and force ourselves to breathe.

When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate.  Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive.  We come back to life thinner, paler, weaker…but as survivors.  Survivors who don’t get pats on the back from coworkers who congratulate them on making it.  Survivors who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping them fight a battle they may not even understand.

Regardless, today I feel proud.  I survived.  And I celebrate every one of you reading this.  I celebrate the fact that you’ve fought your battle and continue to win.  I celebrate the fact that you may not understand the battle, but you pick up the baton dropped by someone you love until they can carry it again.  I celebrate the fact that each time we go through this, we get a little stronger.  We learn new tricks on the battlefield.  We learn them in terrible ways, but we use them.  We don’t struggle in vain.

We win.

We are alive.

 **********

I wrote this post a month ago, but I couldn’t bring myself to post it then.  I was too weak from fighting to shout, and so instead I whispered this into the night and left it unpublished until I felt like I could speak to it with the battle-cry it deserves.  Years ago, coming out about depression and anxiety disorder was something frightening, but now people are more honest and open and so much of the shame has dissipated.  We may not have pink ribbons or telethons but we know that someone out there understands.  That is, until we’re honest about how it affects us.  I’ve never written about this because I can’t talk about it without it being a trigger but I think it’s important to be honest even when it’s scary.  Especially when it’s scary.

I self-harm.  I don’t do it all the time and it’s not enough to put me into an institution or threaten my well-being, but it’s enough to make it frightening to live in my body sometimes.  I’m far from suicidal.  I do it to self-sooth, because the physical pain distracts me from the mental pain.  It’s one of those things that’s impossible to explain to people who don’t understand impulse control disorder.  Honestly, I find it hard to understand it to myself and I’m working my ass off to fix it now before my daughter is old enough to see the things I don’t want her to see.  It is one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I am safe.  My disorder is fairly mild and is becoming more controlled.  I’m in therapy and I’m not in danger.  I avoid triggers and I’ve found therapies and drugs that are helping.  I’m getting better.  But I sort of feel like I can’t completely heal from this without being honest about it.  So here it is.  Judge me or not, I am the same person I was before.  And so are you.  And chances are that many of your friends, family and coworkers are dealing with things like this.  Things that are killing them a little inside.  Things that kill people who don’t get help.  Silent, bloody battles that end with secret victors who can’t celebrate without shame.  I hope that this post changes this somehow.  I hope that you feel safe enough to be honest about the things you are the most ashamed of.  I hope you have someone there telling you “It’s okay.  You’re still the same person to me.”

I hope to one day I see a sea of people all wearing silver ribbons as a sign that they understand the secret battle and that they celebrate the victories made each day as we individually pull ourselves up out of our foxholes to see our scars heal, and to remember what the sun looks like.

I hope one day to be better and I’m pretty sure I will be.  I hope one day I live in a world where the personal fight for mental stability is viewed with pride and public cheers instead of shame.  I hope it for you too.

But until then, it starts slowly.

I haven’t hurt myself in 3 days.  I sing strange battle-songs to myself in the darkness to scare away the demons.  I am a fighter when I need to be.  

And for that I am proud.

2,615 replies. read them below or add one

  1. We’re all for the better that you are a fighter when you need to be. Hang in there, and know that there are many out here that you don’t even know who are pulling for you.

    DogsOnDrugs.com recently posted Occupy The Meat Section.

  2. I think you are an amazing example for everyone out there, and especially people struggling with similar issues! It’s so empowering to see someone who is so fun and funny and smart and accomplished…who also has this thing that sometimes takes over her life. It’s always a part of you but it ISN’T YOU.

    You’re awesome and thank you for sharing something so deeply personal.

  3. Go Jenny! You can win.

  4. You are strong, even when you feel weak. Thank you for this post and so many others you have written. I hope you know how many days you brighten with your humor and candor even when your day meets you with struggles. It’s a new year and every day is a fresh start. I wish you all the best in 2012.

  5. Wow. I hope I can acknowledge the strength my friends’ with depression have. Thank you for enlightening me. You are bad-ass!

  6. So honest. So Brave.

  7. Thank you for this courageous post, and for all the ways you shine a light on a misunderstood and under-respected illness. One that I too battle. xox

  8. I for one am proud of you and your fight to bring the darkness to light. I have seen the love of my life struggle with anxiety, and while I want so badly to be able to protect him from everyone and everything, I know that part of the battle is learning to do this himself. I agree with Victor though; I’d rather have him weak and broken than not at all. Good for you for giving a face to this horrible disease, and for working so hard to kick its ass for yourself and for those you love!

  9. It is something to be *furiously* proud of. :)

  10. I wish I could be as strong as this… I wish I could.

  11. Thank you…from someone who has been where you’ve been far too many times. May we all eventually find lasting peace with ourselves.

  12. I’m so proud of you! I too came out of the depression closet very publicly and I commend you for taking care of yourself, getting the help you need and sharing your story so that others may hopefully help themselves too. Love you! xoxo Renee aka cutiebootycakes :-)

  13. I love you even more now Bloggess. Depression is a BITCH.

  14. You are still the same person to me. You are amazing.

  15. I don’t know you, but I love you. For speaking your truth and fighting the fear. Thank you. I fight as well, cry with the losses and roar with a victory. Roar more!

  16. I’m not sure how much this will mean from some random stranger on the Internet, but: it’s okay. You’re still the same person to me.

    Laura @ Unlikely Explanations recently posted My New Year’s Resolution: In 2012, I Will Humiliate Myself Publicly On This Blog.

  17. Thank you for being so brave. You are truly and inspiration.

  18. You’re still the same person to me, only I just love you more.

    GirltoMom- Heidi recently posted New Year, New Me.

  19. I usually leave jokey type comments – but I gotta say, you should be proud to be able to write and post something like this. You help a lot of people, myself included. xoxoxo

  20. Keep fighting the good fight. You’re doing all you can.

    I was there. I fought. One day, I just decided to say “fuck it” and faced the world head on. It was like a lightbulb.

    Not everyone has lightbulb moments. All you can do is fight and scrape and refuse to fail, hoping for the switch to be turned on.

    Lost.in.Idaho recently posted Wheel! Of! Republicans!! (Place Your Bets, Folks).

  21. WHATEVER, depression and anxiety make me tremendously wonderful company. Come here and let’s lie on opposite sides of the sofa together, staring blankly into space, hoping the phone doesn’t ring.

    Carina recently posted Keeping New Year's Resolutions.

  22. I always knew you were a rockstar. This just proves it even more. Reaching out and telling your story helps everyone. It helps people understand you, it helps people understand depression, it helps people understand that just because you ARE depressed and have issues doesn’t mean you aren’t a beautiful human being inside and out. You are a crusader, even if accidentally.

    Much love and chin up.

    Amy recently posted 2011 Review.

  23. I am so, so grateful to have you in my life, Jenny. I haven’t self-harmed in the traditional sense in a couple of years, but I do it in other ways every day. You’re so damn brave. Love you.

    missbanshee recently posted The Story of the Table and the Toe.

  24. Thank you for publishing this.

  25. you are a warrior and I am proud to know you

    flutter recently posted The Economy of a Brushstroke.

  26. I agree with Lindsay. You are amazing, and every step you take makes a path for someone else to follow. Keep going!

    Mr. Wonder recently posted Focus.

  27. I’m so glad you feel like you can be honest with all of us like this. That is so brave! Big hugs to you! I’ve battled depression for years and am constantly amazed at how little people understand about it.

    Karen W recently posted I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And Cap'n Crunch is the bomb..

  28. I have fought depression for the better part of 30 years. I’ve been diagnosed for less than half that. While I don’t self-harm physically, I do stupid things to counteract and distract from the Shitty (my coined word for my own depression). So many of us have been there, girl. SO. MANY.

    You know as well as I do, you have to take it a day at a time and every 24 hour period is a victory in and of itself.

    Keep celebrating.

    xo

    Mel recently posted 2011 - a look back.

  29. I think it is amazing that you are speaking of this openly. So many people see it as a disease of the weak and that people should be ashamed. As someone who comes from a long lineage of depressed folks, it is refreshing to have someone be so straight forward about it. Keep on fighting. You are an inspiration to the rest of us.

    Ally recently posted The Universe Wants Me to be a Taxidermist..

  30. *Standing Ovation*

    You’re a wonderful person. Keep your chin up and keep fighting the good fight.

    Eva recently posted I didn't really need the left side of my face..

  31. Jenny, HUGE pat on the back from me. I’d carry you through the streets on my shoulders if I could, but I’m weak and lazy. I have the scars, too… But you show me, in the times when you’re able, to show me, show us all (writers) what we can be. Fight on. I’m in your corner.

    Lori recently posted Who Likes Free Books?.

  32. sending you lots of love. thank you for sharing. I know you will be helping many see some light through sharing your darkness. xxo

    Devan @ Unspoken Grief™ recently posted Surviving the Holiday Season Through Loss, Grief and Pain.

  33. Your honesty & bravery is making anyone who suffers with mental illness, better. Thank you.

  34. I love your honesty and perseverance. You are beacon of light even in your darkest times.

    Thank you for being awesome.

    I teared up reading this. XO

  35. This has brought me to tears. Thanks for being one of the brave ones.

    coffeewithjulie recently posted The Homemade Gift.

  36. Thank you. I just assumed I was alone-I just assumed it was teen aged girls who did that and I, at 50, was a total aberration.

    But can the ribbon be platinum? I’m allergic to silver :-)

  37. You are wonderful

  38. I just wanted add my support. I appreciate the honestly in this post. It’s gripping and special. So many people need to hear this, including me. Thank you for having the courage to face today and the balls to press “post”.

    I’m going to go back into lurking now, but I am always here with you no matter how many fabulous flaws you might have. I’m here as are so many of your fans who respect, appreciate, and adore you.

    Here’s to a bright new year! xoxo

  39. thank you for sharing this. Those that don’t battle this will never completely understand. I didn’t until it started happening to me. Unfortunately I have no insurance, so it’s a battle I fight without the help of therapy or drugs. Luckily I have an amazingly supportive husband who helps me through my super dark times.

    I seriously love you for sharing your hard times as well as your happy times. xoxox

  40. We love you and are so impressed with your courage for this post. I wish I could hug you for real. And if you put silver ribbons in your store, I’d wear one proudly. I have depression and anxiety disorder too. xo

  41. This made me cry. Thank you for speaking up. No one in my life understands what I go through, and it is overwhelming to read about someone else who feels the same way.

  42. This is an incredibly brave post, and you’re an amazing survivor. I’m proud of you for doing what you’re doing, and I offer you celebratory hugs.

  43. What an amazing and personally revealing post. My heart goes out to you on your dark days and rejoices with you on the bright ones. You are a brilliant writer and I truly enjoy your blog. Thank you for having the courage to share your deeply toughing story.

    sandi mckenna recently posted Start the New Year by “Aging Backwards” Purple Grape Granita #recipe.

  44. This took MUCH courage. Onward and upward.

    Luvvie recently posted The 20 Dumbest Celebrity Tweets of 2011.

  45. From a fellow “survivor” of what depression can do, this is me patting you on the back. It sucks, it’s debilitating, but in those moments when you can pull out of it, life feels oh so right all over again.

    Stay strong.

    Alicia from Poise in Parma recently posted 2012: a year of simplicity, a year of clarity.

  46. You are amazing. Balls to the wall awesome. I know that fight, and every day you make it deserves a big fucking hell yeah. I love you more, not less, because of your battles. Not feeling alone is so damn important. Thanks for letting us take this ride with you, and being so brave and strong.

  47. I don’t want this to sound flippant, but it takes a lot of bravery to share something so deeply personal and painful to you. I truly admire that. My friends and family know I struggle with depression, but a lot of them don’t understand how strongly it holds onto me. That’s not because they don’t care, but because I try so hard to hide it and pretend everything is fine. Even when I do share it and tell them what’s going on, people have a hard time understanding it unless they’ve dealt with it themselves. Thank you for giving such a strong voice to a usually private battle.

  48. Way to go, Jenny. This post will help so many people. What a good mom you are. Hugs.

  49. I’ve never commented here before, but you are an inspiration to me, as a writer, as a humorist, and as someone close to my age who has been engaged in an ongoing war with depression. Thank you for this, bless your heart for writing it.

  50. Sending love.

    Thank you for being so honest.

    Elizabeth recently posted 2011 in Pictures – Part 2.

  51. Thank you so much for your honesty. Keep fighting.

    1greenblogger recently posted Just One Appliance?.

  52. whoa. thank you for sharing this.

  53. You are so magnificently brave.

  54. You’re amazing.

    I can empathise. I hope you know that lots of people will read that post and completely respect and admire you for your honesty about a subject which so many people are afraid to talk about. Depression is not a weakness, I think it makes us pretty bloody strong to battle it every day, even on the days it’s not there.

    Loving you.

    kairan recently posted like a ton of bricks ....

  55. I love you.

    And I understand.

    Boy how I understand.

    And I wish I could share like you do.

    xx

    Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo recently posted eat yo greens..

  56. Thank you for writing this. Just…thank you.

    I wish you never had to feel this way..but it gives me an odd sort of comfort to know I’m not alone…that you’re surviving. You are such a beautiful person..and this just shows me that even more.

    ..Even if my physical response to this post has my eyes doing weird misty things.

    PS – You can sing to me..anytime. Keep fighting. xo

  57. You brave, beautiful woman. As a fellow fighter I salute you and your story and your courage. Sing those songs, tell your tales. Thank you for sharing it with us.

    xox

    Whitney Johnson recently posted A New Year!.

  58. Thank you for this. I have fought anxiety disorder since I was 20 and every time it rears its ugly head I have to fight against rising feelings of hopelessness that I will never be free of it. Most of my friends and family don’t understand what it’s like or why I can’t just “snap out of it.” Reading your posts makes my heart hurt for you. I’m sending you all my good wishes.

    Laura recently posted A word..

  59. I’m not usually much for commenting on websites because I don’t necessarily think anyone cares much what I have to say amongst a sea of other commenters, but I couldn’t let this one pass by. While I don’t struggle with this particular disorder myself, I know many people close to me who do. You should be unbelievably proud of yourself (both today and every day) for having the courage to speak this out loud. Every cause needs a pioneer, I suppose, and even if that isn’t what you want to be, the strength it took to write this may just inspire someone else to be that. Sending a million long distance hugs your way. I know you can survive this.

    Katie recently posted I Can’t Have Nothing Nice.

  60. thanks. for everything.

  61. Thank you for writing this. I find hope and strength in your honesty, transparency and willingness to be vulnerable with all of us (many many of us who have never even met you). Thank you, thank you, thank you.
    Much love to you.

    Rae Jones recently posted Too-Big-to-Fail? I don't think so..

  62. I am so proud of you and for so many reasons.

    Sarah Elizabeth recently posted It's Almost Christmas And It's About Time I Actually Blogged.

  63. Thank you for sharing.
    Thank you speaking out.
    I admire you!!

  64. Patting you (virtually) on the back right now. Brave, brave, brave.

  65. thank you for this post, jenny.

    ironically, a lot of us cancer “survivors” resist that label, because we don’t like the whole war metaphor. we would rather the pink ribbons would melt away so that we can just tell our stories, in their raw messiness, so people would not expect us to be positive and heroic.

    to me, a true hero is somebody who tells her story as it is and as it happens. thanks for doing that today.

    ChemoBabe (@chemo_babe) recently posted Top Cancer Stories for 2011.

  66. Thank you, Jenny. Below the surface, there are all kinds of creepy-crawlies. Your standing up and talking about them makes them shrivel in the sunlight. Thank you.

  67. Shit, just realized I screwed my links up. Ah well. Just so you know I’m not a troll, I’ve added them here.

    Gena recently posted Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish.

  68. Thank you for posting this. I love reading your crazy a$$ posts and can totally relate to many of them… I feel like I relate to you so much more now. Stay strong.

  69. Yay! Congratulations and I’m so happy for you! I is very difficult to come out of any bout of depression whether you want to admit it or not. I have been depressed and didn’t want to admit it for years. Luckily, I never hurt myself physically; however, I did suffer silently even though I’m sure my loved ones knew something was not right. I applaud you for sharing your victories and your struggles! I wish I could be as honest as you and I wish that the world would support those who suffer as it is real and it’s difficult.

    I am thrilled and I pray you will continue on your journey on your terms and not compromised by the hurt and pain that depression fills us with.

  70. Jenny, glad you battled through it. You are a survivor. May there be a sea of silver ribbons — I mean, think of all the people returning from a decade of war, too…will that be the catalyst that forces us to acknowledge the disease here and necessity of support?

    Anyway, when my RSD flares up (like now), I have an portable electroshock therapy unit (TENS) to stimulate my nerves so I can still walk, jump, exercise, wear socks (no joke, sometimes the pain is so bad I can’t stand touch at all, even of a soft, light sock). Just the discomfort of the small, pulsing shocks causes me to sigh in an agony of relief from the pounding pain.

    Why don’t we have something like this for people in severe depression, like you, who need pain to self-soothe?

    Julie recently posted Killing Them Off -- A New Year's Resolution.

  71. You are brave. You are loved. You give so much hope to others living with depression. I am so very grateful you share with others who may see a twinkle of themselves in your and your situation. Jenny, please keep sharing as you can. Sending so much love to you, J-J-Jenny and the Bets. Love you always. xoxoxoxo

  72. This post is amazing. As a fellow survivor, I appreciate your honesty. Thank you.

    Amy recently posted Reflections From My First Digital Sabbatical.

  73. I never comment here, but I wanted to speak up to say that you are brave and wonderful and you have no reason to be ashamed.

    Happy New Year!

  74. I only know you through twitter and your blog. But I love you. And I’m really glad you share the good stuff and the dark stuff. Be well.

  75. 78
    Lew Wilkinson

    Thank you for your honesty and clarity. I just put my silver ribbon on!

  76. Thank you for sharing this. I am battling my own depression and such honesty helps me.

  77. I’m right there with you Jenny, as are so many. We CAN make it through this. Thank you for having the courage to speak up and let us know we’re not alone. *Huge, massive hugs*

  78. The more people that are brave enough to speak out the closer we’ll be. Keep fighting, I’m glad you have the support.

    I am the support for someone and its hard, thank you for recognising that. *hugs*

  79. I’ve tried to explain even to myself why self-harming is a way for me to avoid true suicide. I’m not sure I’ve ever come up with an answer, but it is good to remember that I’m not the only one. (I’m at more than six years since my last self harm, but I still ponder suicide every day despite being happier than I ever have.)

  80. Thank you so much for sharing this. I had my fist struggle with depression this year. I am 23 years old and I had no idea why I was feeling so hopeless and alone. At times I felt lie life as I knew it was over because my sadness overwhelmed my life, I couldnt function at work because I kept crying, i couldnt play with my son because all I wanted to do was cry and my hisband was so scared that it was him that was making me sad. Im glad I got through it and Im glad that there are people like you out there that have a bigger voice than I do to share your story. I admire you and appreciate your honesty!

  81. Hurray! Huzzah! You made it! Now, do yourself a favor and join up with this site: http://www.askabipolar.com/
    I’m not saying you’ve joined the bipolars of the world (although, my sister does say “my crazy makes me awesome”….she’s the founder), but it helps me when my depression gets the better of me. They also have a FB site, everyone there is awesome. It’s just a suggestion, and they have MANY suggestions for those fighting the fight. Again, hurray! Huzzah! Go you! :)
    Cheers!

    Theresa (Miss Charlotte) recently posted Ready, Set, SELL!.

  82. 85
    RancherNikki

    I can’t say much other than , I understand.

  83. I’m always glad for the reminder that I am not alone, that there are other people out there who suffer the same way I do and maybe even in worse ways. Thank you for putting your own struggle into words and sharing and I hope these comments serve as a reminder of your influence and your strength. Keep your head up.

  84. Thanks for sharing your story, I find it heartbreaking that someone that makes me laugh so hard deals with such a struggle. I am happy you are winning the fight.

  85. You have no idea how badly I needed to see this today. Thank you, Jenny Lawson.

  86. I have either 5 words, or 10,000. Seeing as this is a comment form, and not a book or Facebook status, I think I’ll go with, “Thank you for writing this.”

    gba_gf recently posted What flavor?.

  87. You are ABSOLUTELY still the same person to me. Only better. Braver, more vocal, more … you. Thank you!

  88. Thank you thank you thank you. You put a face on a disorder that very few understand or even recognize as a real health issue. Depression is a motherfucker and it’s often something we fight in private because we fear that we’ll look crazy. I mean, isn’t it just sadness? Can’t you just STOP being sad? If it were that easy then we’d all be Mary Fucking Poppins, all cheery and flying through the air with an umbrella. Well, it doesn’t work like that. So thank you for sharing your disorder and hopefully those who didn’t ‘get’ what depression does to a person will understand it a little better now.

    Lauren recently posted You say you want a resolution?.

  89. You are the most awesomest! Depression is truly a battle and a war. I’m so glad you fight because, honey, I LOVE reading your stuff. Hope you find love, peace and light.

    RK recently posted It's not.......I can't........It's won't..........ARGH!.

  90. Jenny, I love you. Period, point blank. As someone above me posted, its a part of you but it doesn’t make you who you are. Thank you for being strong enough to be weak, like everyone else.

  91. You are brave. You are loved. You give so much hope to others living with depression. I am so very grateful you share with others who may see a twinkle of themselves in your and your situation. Jenny, please keep sharing as you can. Sending so much love to you, J-J-Jenny and the Bets. Love you always. xoxoxoxo

    Karen Sugarpants recently posted Sugarpants’ Weird and Funny Holiday Comforts.

  92. I have always admired your writing, your humor and your honesty. I admire you even more now and know that you are strong! I can’t wait for your book to come out!

  93. Thank you. I connect with almost every word you wrote. I hope your struggles become fewer and your happy days far outnumber your sad ones.

    Katie recently posted Disciplining your kids sucks.

  94. Oh I love you even more. Thank you for you.

    Marian recently posted the view from here.

  95. And if you can do it, then maybe I can too.

  96. What a brave post . . . fight on Jenny. You are amazing, in ways you might not know.

  97. 100
    Kittenears

    I will look in my craft box. I don’t think I have silver ribbon, but I do have sparkly grey yarn. I will find a way…

    Why?

    Because I’ve survived, too. And I need to remember not just to be happy that someone else is surviving… but that it’s OK to shout and cheer over surviving.

  98. Unless someone steals my food, I don’t cry. I am currently sobbing like a baby, as I have and am suffering from something so similar. It’s a lifelong battle, not just to find peace within ourselves, but to try and justify those moments when peace is the absolute last thing that you’re feeling, if you’re feeling anything at all.

    I’m there right now, fighting to claw my way back to the top before I let myself be buried once again. I know my signs, I know my tools, I know my triggers. But I also know what a goddam hard road it is to pull ahead. Reading this today–from you–had given me a little bit more strength. Although internally it feels like it does, life doesn’t stop for depression. You still have to put one foot in front of the other and hope that you don’t fall flat on your ass. However, knowing someone else is taking those same steps can mean the world.

    In other words, thank you.

    Abby recently posted The Wizard of Words.

  99. You are the best.

  100. Jenny–

    Your bravery is an inspiration to all of us who struggle, in whatever way, in whatever manifestation. I wish you continued progress in your journey. I thank you for your honesty, and I thank for sharing both the humor and struggles in your life. As my mother and I always say, we want to be your new best friends :-) I think, after reading this post, that holds true all the more…
    Even though we may never meet, I offer my thoughts and support…

  101. We love you Jenny. And we get this. I get this. You are inspiring and wonderful. And if you ever need anything from me/us you know you just have to ask. I just blogged about my year in review – depression included. Thanks to brave bloggers like you I’ve had the guts to say it out loud. Xoxo

    Annadanna from Canada recently posted Words of wisdom for you, grasshoppers.

  102. I hate to tell you but you are the best the absolute BEST spokesperson for this. You pretty much defy all the stereotypes–the idea that depression is the result of humorlessness or self-pity or people choose it or want it or get something out of it.

    It can make a person pretty damn humorless, etc. No one could get sick of me for leaning on them except maybe my husband. I think the best gift I’ve been given is that my relatives are so much worse off–I am the healthy one, relatively speaking. I can’t afford to give up as I’m the only one with the strength to paddle this boat full of debilitated family members from the 10,000 foot waterfall most of the time. Although I might anyway, of course.

    It’s so funny because I could have written this post. Exactly TO THE WORD. So apparently there are a lot of us. I was even in remission for almost a year. Until recently. But that might pass soon. I’m hoping this is a glitch and I’ll get back to the remission. You do feel scared it will happen again even if you are in a hiatus for such a long time, as I have been.

    Keep on, stay alive as long as you can. And thanks.

    snozma recently posted Happiness is something I know something about.

  103. I’m proud of you. You are incredibly brave. I’m with you.

    Rainy Daisy recently posted Boston.

  104. You put a smile on my face by sharing this. My partner has depression and social anxiety disorder. It is an every day battle, and there are definite cycles with any of these disorders. I’ve gotten to the point where I recognize his cycles (which helps!)

    But it still is never easy watching someone you know go through this. Our automatic response is to help, however, with depression, it’s not going away. It’s always there, always around. The deep low cycles are the ones most noticeable to others, those can’t be hidden.

    But it’s always there, in the thoughts, in the head, in the body. It is truly an illness that so many have no idea about so thank you for sharing a bit of you about depression.

    I have to read your blog more often.

  105. From one fighter to another…..well said! I often say that if I would go to therapy for my leg, why not for my mind??

    I have come a LONG way in 12 years. I have still a lot to go but in the end, I know that you and I will win over the demons of depression and anxiety!

    You are not alone!

  106. Somehow? This made the holes I keep tripping into with this pregnancy a little less deep and scary.

    I do feel like my depression is something I can talk about online, but not with my real life family and friends. they say it’s ok, but they don’t get it. I am a burden. and I feel it constantly.

    Katie recently posted PEEP POMB!.

  107. As someone in the middle of the darkness right now I find strength in the fact that you survived. Much love to you and all those around you.

  108. You can’t see it, but I’m wearing a silver ribbon.

    lisahgolden recently posted But who is going to hold me to it?.

  109. Oh, and I’ve taken to singing Sheldon’s mom’s “Soft Kitty” to myself. (Big bang Theory) Dang if she wasn’t right that it makes you feel better. :)

  110. Jenny – you do what you need to do to take each day as it comes. We’re all rooting for you. Keep making us laugh!

  111. You, go.

  112. Wow, just wow. I think that’s the most articulate description of battling depression I’ve ever read. You are brave, and amazing, and it’s ok because you are still the same person you were to me when I read about Beyonce. I will be happy to wear a silver ribbon-after many years I am stable, and managed to get through some recent trauma without self harming-haven’t in almost 3 years. I know there will be another battle, but as you so eloquently state, I’ve learned new tricks on old battlefields. I am unashamed to tell people that I spent time in a mental health facility-it saved my life and taught me that like you, I am a survivor.
    Keep fighting, friend.

  113. I’m a stranger and everything but I’m damn proud of you. For writing this, for hitting publish, for owning this and working through it and for wanting better and going after it for you.

    Cass recently posted About being me. Here. In this world..

  114. I needed to read this for so many reasons. Thanks for being strong and brave and generous enough to write and publish. I crossed paths with you earlier on Domestic Mischief and thought your remarks on medication were so sound. Happy, healthy, BEAUTIFUL new year to you!

  115. You are awesome. That is all.

  116. I’m speechless because you’ve been able to write what so many feel unable to put into words or have the courage to say. I applaud you, and I celebrate with you. You are brave, courageous, and wonderful. Thank you, this has helped me.

  117. Keep fighting and never give up!

    You are such a strong person.

    Depression is a silent bitch that you have slapped in the face.

    Much love to you, Mama. Much love.

    Stasha recently posted You Signed It!.

  118. OMG…I cried when I read this. Cried for you in your silent pain, and cried for me because someone has finally put my struggle into words. Thank you, thank you, thank you – I am happy to hear that you are in therapy and seem to be making good progress. Fighting the depression and loneliness is exhausting. Thank you for having the energy and courage to publish this post.

  119. I come from a long line of women who suffer from debilitating depression. It’s not something that is easily understood-even by the person it’s happening to-and it’s harder still for the friends and family who have to stand guard while you suffer, but it is real and it’s horrible to live with and to witness. In my family we didn’t get on the road to recovery until we stopped hiding it and brought it out into the open where we could all deal with it. Thank you for bringing this out into the light where we can all experience it and begin to learn how to deal with it. It’s a disease that feeds on shame and secrets.

  120. Thank you. For giving a voice to so many who don’t have the skills to voice what they’re feeling. What an amazingly beautiful, snotbubble inducing post. Just….thank you.

  121. Thank you for being a voice for so many. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being brave enough to share this post. Thank you.

    Jenni Kitchen recently posted Dear 2011,.

  122. Thank you for being brave and speaking out about this. I have suffered with chronic depression since I was a child and though I don’t self-harm I do subscribe to your view on honesty about your condition; to me, speaking about depression is the route to survival. It is unfortuante that a lot of people are still uncomfortable with hearing about depression, I have been told many times to be less vocal about my fight – but still I talk because if I’m honest about the way it makes me feel and the struggles I have fought then my brain can’t tell me I’m weak and my parents can’t tell me depression doesn’t exsist… I’m proud to be a survivor, proud to be a warrior – I will always have depression but I will never stop fighting.

  123. Jenny,

    Thank you for this incredible post. I’ve told people that clinical depression is worse than cancer. Few believe me. But it’s true. When I was diagnosed with cancer, people came out of the walls. They nourished me with love. They brought casseroles, they brought flowers, cards and funny movies.

    When I was diagnosed with depression years before I had cancer I could barely get up out of the chair in the loft. It was like living in cement and suffering relentless psychic pain. No one handed me a ribbon, held a parade or organized a run in my honor. It was like being null and void.

    What I tell people now? These are diseases that can kill. Both can be lethal. Find the right treatment, stick to your plan, and let people love you.

    You are the best,
    Jody

    Jody Schoger recently posted Bolero Isn't Just About Fashion Anymore.

  124. 127
    Cynthia/fairiesnest

    You are amazing. Every time I come to your blog I laugh or cry and sometimes both. I wish that you could always see and believe how amazing you are and how you help fight the darkness for all of us who are sad, afraid, and/or in pain. We’ll hold that belief for you until you’re ready. We’re cheering for you!

  125. Jenny,

    Your bravery as you fight this battle not only makes you stronger, it makes all of us stronger, too. You are an inspiration to so many people because have found the courage to use your ONE voice to speak up about what so many face. You have become our silver ribbon of hope.

    Sending you gratitude, light and healing.
    Amy C

  126. Wow. Just a few minutes before seeing this I posted on twitter about the pain in the ass depression is. I applaud and thank you for sharing this. Not gonna lie though, I wish there was some kind of help for me. I do have depression but it is so triggered by my home situation (which LONG story, can not be changed) So there’s that.

    I am inspired by your awesomeness!

  127. Thank you so much! You have said it so well! No we do not get pats on the back when we come out of the ring, tired and exhausted, but still functioning. You are a wonderful woman! Thank you!

  128. I admire your honesty and bravery. You will beat this. :)

    Shannon recently posted Sharing the Baby News.

  129. Something so hard for you to share makes the struggle of anyone who can relate a little less difficult. Just by letting others know they aren’t alone in their darkness…
    Brave Jenny.

    Jennifer June recently posted The Final Countdown.

  130. 133
    Mary Alice aka MOM

    Oh sweetie my heart is with you. As I sit here typing through the tears I applaud you for being so brave to tell the world and hopefully the burden will lift a little and at the same time you might reach someone else who feels the same and give them hope. I know depression doesn’t discriminate and even the strongest feel it. I know I have bouts of sadness that threaten to overcome my world sometimes too. It’s hard to climb out.
    Please know that any time…any day you can always reach out to me. I’m really a good listener and sometimes it just helps to know there is someone who will listen without judging.
    I want you to know how proud I am of you for being brave enough to share this!
    God bless you sweet girl and stand proud! Do something nice for yourself and throw yourself a celebration. You deserve it! Big hugs sweetie!!!!

  131. Jenny, thank you. Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for making it a bit easier to be okay with a little chemical imbalance. You are fantastic and I couldn’t be more proud of you. Keep up the amazing recovery work and don’t ever stop being incredible. All the love in the world to you girl.

    Devon recently posted Orange Frost by Devon Stewart.

  132. I love you. I’m so glad you made it through. Keep fighting!

  133. It’s ok, honey. You are still the same wonderful, funny, healing, beautiful, creative, intelligent, everything-good-int-the-world person to me today as you were yesterday.

    Tomorrow will be .0001% easier simply because you survived today to see it. Depression to me is solid soul-sucking black coated in razor-sharp deceptively-beautiful diamonds luring one into the abyss. I imagine a humongous trampoline at the bottom of that abyss that throws my shocked-self right back up to reality in all its various forms.

    That depression wants to BE you. I’m so glad you’re finding more and more ways to beat it back, to become and remain victorious, to be YOU.

    Fuck depression. Fuck self-harming, too. Fwiw, next time you need to control the inner pain with outer pain, try outer PLEASURE. Not as instant or immediate or inner-attention-grabbing, but imagine how soft the silk on the edges of a baby blanket are when rubbed across your cheek. Crap like that might work to negate the need for pain, and bring on the embrace of pleasure?

  134. I want to say a million pretty things to you because of that post but I’m at a loss of words. That was beautiful and true and more things that I can’t properly comprehend right now. Thank you.

  135. It’s okay. You’re still the same person to me, except now I’m sending you even more love and support. Thank you for speaking out and being the voice for those who feel voiceless. <3

    Sarah recently posted Free Speech ftw!.

  136. I love you when you’re funny, but when you’re raw and honest like this, I love you even more. You’ve inspired me more than you’ll ever know.

  137. Thank you for posting this. Truly.

  138. Thank you for having the courage to talk about this. It helps all of us. I wish I could give you a big hug. Armed with a pitchfork to help you with the fight.

    Kernut the Blond recently posted I Thought About You Naked.

  139. I wish I could just ask for help. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting into words what I apparently can’t. As I commented on another post of yours recently, you have no idea how much your honesty about your struggles has helped me the past year. You are a blessing and a fighter — you will win.

    Sherree recently posted Are bloggers “journalists?”.

  140. You really are a kick-ass woman. Fuck that inside bitch up who’s trying to tell you otherwise.

    mrtl recently posted If You Ask a Five-Year-Old for Directions.

  141. I am tremendously proud of you. Someone I love dearly suffers from depression and I know how awful the battle can be. Keep your head up, keep doing what you’re doing, and remember your Monty Python; Always look on the bright side of life.

  142. I’m not sure you are the same person to me – after sharing your story and having the courage to heal – you are even more amazing to me.

  143. Thank you.

  144. Wow, very powerful. I’m impressed you can be so honest with yourself.

    Mayor Gia recently posted Time to Toot Boyfriend's Horn.

  145. thank you…… thank you….. thank you….

    for the words I feel but cannot express….. as someone who has hurt herself since she was 11 but still cannot explain why to people without them thinking she’s daft / emo / looking for attention (at least in my head)

    you make me laugh and cry….. like life and we all love you for it!

    I’ve had my dose upped and I’m beginning to see a light….. that’s not a train….

    We can ALL win

    K
    xoxo

  146. I am so glad you wrote this, sorry you too are going through it, but it makes me feel better knowing there are others out there and that I am not the only one. I had to take 4 months off of work due to depression and GAD, just went back Dec. 1. In therapy and on meds. I am proud of you for coming out and thank you.

  147. I love you.

    That’s the first thing that went through my mind as I read this. I love you, despite that I’ve never met you, will probably never meet you, and hell, will probably never be more than a faceless fan.

    But you are brave and funny and talented and honest, and the fact that you can be so amazing and lovely going through all this shit makes me feel a little bit better when I have to go through the same shit. It makes me feel like maybe someday I could be as fantastic as you.

    And I don’t know if it will help you (and I swear I’m not trying to be patronizing, just suggesting something that legitimately helps me), but maybe use sharpies instead? I’ve gotten to the point where that’s what I do when I…need the marks. When I need to ruin myself, because something’s gotta give.

    You are an incredible writer and an incredible person. But to be perfectly honest, you’re not the same person to me. You’re something better.

    Sorcyress recently posted Yuletide reveal!.

  148. I’m glad you’re getting better, Jenny.

    I have a friend who has anxiety, and she blogs about it. I’ve never heard anyone explain what it was like until she did, and it opened my eyes to what a family member has been dealing with. Those of us who don’t suffer from it directly need to hear your stories, so thank you.

    Ashley recently posted Stop Being a Jerk About Vaccinations.

  149. Way to go, Jenny! You have done something that is so brave and for that I applaud you! So many people have been there and are there right now. By speaking out about it, you make those of us who understand the struggle, feel as though we have a voice. Thank you!

    ((HUGS))

    Lindsay

  150. 153
    Heath Graham

    I’ve never posted here before, but I just wanted to say both well done, and thank you.

  151. Amazing.

  152. Thank you.

  153. I am proud of you. And I thank you.

  154. Me too sweetie. Silver ribbons it is! Wish I were as creative as you, but I take my photos and cook fabulous meals sometimes and the kids are OK. I’m 72 and it does get much much better, maybe because the girl bits quit trying to kill us, but we still tend to hide the scars….it’s part of the hero thing. I’m kind of proud to be a superhero. Grandma in the Bone Comics. When I was 62 I had a tattoo of feathers – wings to fly with – and I never look back.

  155. I won’t judge you! I’ll just love you instead.

    S.P. recently posted You'll Get Nothing And Like It.

  156. Silver ribbon campaign! YES. I would proudly wear one in support of the struggle I and many of my friends have gone through and survived. I struggle a lot with the depression and anxiety… I broke myself of actual self-harm a few years ago when I realized that my son was old enough to question how I got the cuts. That was a wake up call for me for sure. But believe me, there are days its so very tempting to revert, even though its been 5 years.

    Each day you have to challenge yourself to not let things get that out of hand. As someone whose been in a place similar to where you are now, it does get better if you make the effort. It won’t be easy, but the rewards are worth it in the end. I have the scars to prove how far down I’ve been, and I use those scars as a reminder that I survived and I will keep surviving. Music and writing have become my outlets for pain management instead of cutting.

    You can do this Jenny. I have faith in you.

  157. Thank you so much for your bravery and strength. I know it doesn’t always feel like that but I’m starting to think that bravery feels more like shit than it does some magical, happy time. I’ve struggled with depression my whole life and have also recently emerged from several months of a really bad time and I feel this exact same way. Thank you for saying what I feel like I can’t. You are amazing and I feel stronger knowing you are out there being exactly just who you are.

  158. Thank you so much. Thank you for being honest with yourself and sharing your strength. Every time I read your posts, I find more reasons to fight my own demons. Thank you for showing me we can make it in this world.

    I almost never comment, but I hope I’ll one day be able to return some of that strength to you.

    Please take care. You have got to be one of the loveliest person I know of.

  159. You are incredible and brave. I bet there are so many being helped right mow just by reading this.

    Chelo recently posted Veronica Grace – 3 month portraits.

  160. So often I read your blog quiety, not commenting because so many folks say what I would have. Not this time, this time I’m standing here applauding you!!!!
    “Judge me or not, I am the same person I was before. And so are you”
    Fantastic line, it’s so true that our fear of judgement holds us back, by living out loud…even in the tough times we can find support where we least expect it.
    Brava

    SoberJulie recently posted Princess Stories by Carolyn Larsen, a wonderful book about women in the Bible.

  161. I have found that talking and admitting helps to heal better than anything else. That and time. And yes, each time we pick ourselves up off the floor we are stronger. Give yourself a mental hug. You deserve it!

  162. Thank you for making me feel not alone or ashamed.

  163. Amazing. Thank you. I recently admitted my depression online and it was really, really scary. I’m self-employed and my internet persona/audience are essential to not only my mental wellbeing (from a social standpoint), but to my income as well. My depression is under control for the most part, and I’m fearful of being defined by my illness, but it is so freeing to admit the struggle and celebrate the triumph over our own suffering. I applaud your courage.

    Leah recently posted Coming Home {Why 2011 was one of the best and worst years of my life}.

  164. You are so strong Jenny. <3 We all love you. You are also very lucky, and I dont mean to pull a pity card on myself but you have such an amazing family and support system. I have just recently started to have anxiety and most likely depression at times. I self inflect in other ways. I just wish I knew of a place to go to where I could get the help that I need, but I have no money. If you know of any hotlines or anything it would be wonderful for you to post them. But whats even more wonderful, just reading your blog and knowing that if you get through it. We can all get through it. <3

    Lesley recently posted Fairy Tales: New Years New You.

  165. Wow, @maureenjohnson recommended your blog. She was right. Amazing, keep fighting. I can only hope that someday my blog is found to be such an inspiration. Just know we are all here, and listening

  166. A beautiful post written by a strong lady; inspiration to us all. Congratulations to you for your honesty; I deal with depression, anxiety and yes, even self-harm issues to. You are not alone. I read your blog a lot and I had no idea – you bring me so much laughter, you even bring me out of my own crap sometimes!

    Maybe we should think of these ups and downs as a crazy sort of blessing; obviously, throughout history, many strong women & men who impact society in an incredible way have dealt with these sorts of issues…is it because we were made to be so successful that we fall so hard? Who knows. I am a beautiful singer, the Mom of an autistic child, a Mommy Blogger trying to make a difference. And I am Bipolar with self-harm tendencies. Sometimes I try to embrace who I am as just that…who I am. I hate it sometimes, but when I think of all the good I can bring to the world, I think maybe it’s worth it, like it’s some kind of prerequisite to being AWESOME.

    Because that’s what we are. Awesome. And don’t you forget it ;)
    Thanks for all your humor, lady–Beyonce changed my life ;) <3 Kristi

    Kristi recently posted Thank you for NOT choosing United..

  167. that is wonderful news. (even as I type it – it looks insincere, but it is totally.) I’m in the throws of one now. Worst one yet also. I can’t wait to feel the RELIEF. I know exactly what you are talking about. Relief….. :) I’m thrilled you have some. I will soon… I just keep telling myself that. (the drugs help too :)
    Kristen – huge fan. aka: alsfm

    Kristen recently posted Morals.

  168. Thank you. For posting this, for ‘shouting out’, for making me feel less ashamed of being proud of myself for surviving. I’m an anxiety and Bipolar sufferer, not medicated for 9 months due to loss of a job and insurance. That’s changing starting now, with insurance in my pocket again (thank you to liberal insurances that allow domestic partnership clauses even between hetero couples that don’t want to marry). But the last year has been horrendous, and people have left, quit contacting me, just stopped being there- and I feel more alone than ever before.

    But you made me realize i’m not with this post. That someone understands the deep and horrible self loathing, the battle for every single day. And that it *IS* okay to be proud that though I’ve suffered through horrible things that aren’t always fully in my control, I have survived them without completely losing my mind, health, and myself.

    Wishing for the best for you, and all the other MI sufferers out there, this year. Thank you, Jenny, for being courageous, your wonderful self, and reminding me that I’m not alone.

  169. Thank you for sharing this. On my first tattoo I added a grey-ish ribbon and I never really knew why. It’s kind of a “choose your own” type of thing (and it’s a super ugly tattoo all these years later but the ribbon held up) and I will think of this very thing. I struggle, too, but am no where near ready to share like you do. Thank you for the nudge. Thinking of you.

    Steph

    Stephanie recently posted Welcome, 2012.

  170. Thank you.

    I so clearly remember the day i put down the razor blade (and went and got a tattoo instead. If there be scars, let them be the vibrant marks of the battles we have fought and won.).

    Every day is a victory.

  171. Wow! you are so brave to open up and share this. I’m glad you did. Sometimes all you need to know is that there are people who care. My depression is very mild. There are days I just want to run and hide away from the world. The self loathing is the worst. You are a survivor and you have given me hope to continue. Love always.

    Laynie recently posted My challenge progress.

  172. Thank you for sharing, and for fighting the battle with the rest of us. :)

  173. I was crying as I read this, and I’m still crying as I try to figure out how to say just how badly I needed to read this today. I’m in my own spiral right now, and I feel like the more I kick and scream the less effect I have. If I keep up the funny I’ll trick them all and then I’ll trick myself too! I’ve been keeping everyone away, because it’s easier for me, I don’t want them to worry or worse, pity me. But you reminded me I haven’t ever been able to do this alone, and I’m not alone. Thank you for reminding me I can use my voice and the lies have no power.

  174. Jenny, I admire you because you’re so strong, and you’re strong because you’re honest. Your courage to post this isn’t surprising, but it is reassuring.

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted New Year’s Resolution: Be More Helpful.

  175. Here is to day 4. You can do it, Jenny. We’ll be here to cheer you on.

    Cassandra recently posted Review: Cinder.

  176. Proud of you and your victories. Depression and anxiety are lonely fights. I know bc I’ve been dealing with an anxiety disorder for more than 25 years and despite therapy and drugs I still feel like it will always define me, will never really ‘go away’. Keep on keeping on, you are an inspiration.

  177. Sing your battle songs, warrior princess. One of the happiest days of my life was the day my niece proudly informed me she didn’t feel she needed to cut herself anymore. I sabotage myself in other ways, mostly financially (stealing from my mom? who forgave me and understood?), so believe me, I understand where you come from. We’re with you all the way. You Can Do This.

  178. Bravo for your courage and your victory. I would wear the silver ribbon for you, for myself, and for everyone else suffering from these crippling disorders.

    Mandy recently posted Sayonara, 2011!.

  179. I don’t know you (this is my 1st time to your blog), but I DO know your situation because I have been there. I know how dark and frightening that place is. I’m terrified of going back there and that keeps me honest about where my head is.

    I don’t know you. But I know how brave and strong you are! And I am so proud of you for writing this and putting it out there on your blog. It’s not something I could have done when I was in that dark place.

    You aren’t alone, not ever. So many ppl understand what you are going through. Keep going! You can do this!

    Shannon recently posted Fibromyalgia Thoughts – The Pain Cycle.

  180. This made me want to sing out. I too battle depression and it is a battle. Everyday.

    I absolutely love this post. You seemed to sum up how I feel about it, how it affects my daughters.
    Depression is such a bitch. But it feels good when you slap that girl back in her place!

  181. Those of us with depression tend to self-hurt in one way or another. Some are more immediate and “scary,” others are slow and methodical sabotages. The great @SecretAgentL recently said, “I guess I’ll go eat my feelings.” Indeed. You’re spot on about the impulse control, and I wish you all the ability in the world to find a way to distract yourself and successfully redirect your actions. It’s only been as a married woman that I’ve come to begin to understand how hard it is for our loved ones to watch us self-harm. No method is “better” than any other—each method is our personal weapon of choice, and each method renders damages larger and small. Celebrate the small victories. It is the little successes that lead up to major changes. Love to you, best wishes, and silver ribbons.

  182. I “get” it, fully and completely…I suffer from chronic depression and anxiety as well…I’m highly medicated but still, at times, the depression creeps up on me anyway…I have only recently come out about it to the strangers on here and FB…It feels good to get it out and to know others KNOW what you’re going through…Big Hugs!

  183. You are amazing and brave

  184. You are an even more amazing and beautiful woman for being able to admit this.

    sharlaelizabeth recently posted Photo.

  185. We love you as you are! You don’t need to be anything more than you–beautiful, imperfect, awesome you. Keep going, and let us help you shout. We’ve got your back!!

  186. I love you so much. I don’t suffer from depression or really even know anyone that suffers, but I know it is a huge problem. You telling your truth will help so many. I’m praying for you and so many others.

  187. Your honesty and bravery are amazing. You’re a great example of strength and courage. You’re my hero. Thank you for being the incredible person you are.

  188. 191
    Marilyn Mann

    Hang in there.

  189. Thank you for your post.

  190. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

    I could never write those words enough, Jenny.

    Thank you.

  191. You go, girl! It is so important to erase the stigma of mental illness. My sister suffered in secret. Everybody either has one or knows someone who does – we just need to be open and honest about it. Thank you for taking a big step.

  192. *hug*
    You win.
    You continue to be you – uniquely Jenny, the Bloggess, Mom, wife, daughter, survivor. And that is awesome.

    Bon recently posted The Honorable Bon.

  193. I celebrate you. I have fought and have been fighting this battle for 6 years. It is a battle that is ongoing but we can beat it, even in small victories!

  194. I just want to let you know that you are an amazing woman, wife, mom. Sometimes when you are in the middle of depression it’s hard to hear positives about yourself, but please know that you have so many fans, supporters and friends here for you. I completely understand what you are going through and if I could, I’d fly down and stick a metal chicken in front of your door. One with a sign that says, “YOU are fucking awesomesauce.” I would have the chicken say it to you, but as we all know, giant metal chickens can’t talk. Which sucks, I know, but please don’t get depressed about that, he’s supposed to cheer you up. Maybe it’s a good thing TSA won’t let me on a plane with a giant metal chicken.

    Emily - @ColoradoMom recently posted Monday Tips w/#LifeSimplified ~ Getting Jazzed about 2012.

  195. 198
    aida alberto

    You are strong for just writing this. Go you for doing this. I think that the strongest people are those who admit their weaknesses. I don’t see you any differently than I did yesterday. I see a strong capable woman who is handling something that could have crippled you. So you have my undying respect for that and for posting it. I read your blog every time it comes out. It makes me laugh. It cheers me up if I’m having a bad day and it makes me think. So thank you and keep up the good work and I think I’ve mentioned it before but I will be buying your book when it comes out.

  196. You can’t hear me, but I’m applauding you.

    In my heart and in my soul.

    Big. Big. Love.

    Carrie recently posted I’ve been dicking around before I knew dicking around was called dicking around..

  197. From one battle-scarred survivor to another, let’s shout long and loud for each other. I just wrote an article about the scars I carry on my arms – remnants of high school days and self-abuse caused in part by a reaction to physical abuse from my father. The scars will never go away, and I used to hide them. I no longer cover them up. They are a reminder that I am a survivor and above all else I am better than he ever was or ever will be. I have never treated my child the way he did, and she is now 18–a proud and happy young woman who knows that her mother loves her.

  198. Proud of you, Jenny. I had no idea how much my depression was messing with my head until I dragged myself sobbing into treatment. I suffered for 20 years and not a single person noticed or tried to help me. Now I’m a little more…myself, and it’s such a revelation! I wish I’d had more people like you to share their own stories because I felt so alone and I’m sure many others do right now, too. Your story, and your commenters’ stories, help everyone. Virtual hugs to you all!

  199. you are awesome & so brave. staying out of the dark, whatever form your dark takes, is the hardest thing i can imagine, because it is invisible, and sometimes people just don’t want to admit it exists. i don’t know you, but i am SO PROUD. big hugs.

  200. You are so brave and beautiful. I’m a rape survivor. I used to cut myself. Never enough to seriously injure, just enough to feel the pain and remind myself that I was still alive. I understand.

    Erin recently posted Behind and Ahead.

  201. Why don’t we have special-colored ribbons, or those nasty rubberized bracelets, or telethons for depression? I suffered from depression for years. When I told my law firm partners that I was being treated for depression, they told me that I should keep it secret ad to tell people that I was deferring my partnership because of my divorce, not because of my depression. I was flabbergasted. Depression is a chemical imbalance, no different than diabetes, so why must those suffering from it have the added weight of shame? For me, birth control pills were the cause of my imbalance. Now that I am off them, the sadness and hopelessness is much more infrequent and lasts for a few hours at most, but still brings back the fear of “what if it doesn’t go away this time.” But I had to find this out on my own because there is no Susan G. Komen Foundation or LiveStrong for depression. (And really, isn’t LiveStrong a much better motto for depression than cancer? How dare they take our phrase.) The information is out there for sufferers of depression but you have to hunt for it, the same way you have to crawl out of the sadness & hopelessness, as if the information is kept secret the same way we feel we have to keep our disease. It shouldn’t have to be so hard. I still remember being little and hearing my mother and her friends discussing the illness of another lady in their group and how they whispered “she has the cancer.” No one whispers cancer anymore. I would love to see in my lifetime the social change where we don’t whisper “depression” anymore.

    So where do I sign up to help make the silver ribbons, organize the national televised concert, whatever is needed to bring depression out in the open and take the shame away?

  202. thank you for sharing your story and being willing to put your truth out there for us. We applaud your bravery, your success, and your willingness to share.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am not as brave as you.

  203. It’s amazing how someone you’ve never met can speak the words inside your own head. I’m thankful that my medication helps me, but dislike the days when I’m so frazzled I can’t find my medication… and that I’m in charge of people. I’m the frickin’ boss, and there’s no room for me to say, “Sorry guys, I’m depressed today, I can’t deal with your bullshit.” If I had some other illness, maybe.

    A [somewhat] happy story– my mother’s pastor is suffering from depression and rather than go on pretending, he told the congregation and is on a leave of absence. I went with her to Christmas Eve services and saw him there, and it made me love her church even more to see every single congregant tell LP that they had been praying for him, could they bring food for him and his family, and give him a hug or a handshake. To see that sort of support… it makes you realize that people are capable of understanding, capable of supporting, and capable of loving anyone who has the same problem.

    Meg recently posted My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend....

  204. Thank you for this post. I suffer from depression. I am wracked full of anxiety so much so that I never want to leave the house. I take my meds to help me function (i.e. keep my job). And I sleep to hide from the world. I’m in my forties. I’m single. I’m alone. I’m tired. But I will keep pushing on.

  205. You are wonderfully courageous. Your candor is amazing to me. I hope you continue to find ways to fight the fight, and know we are thinking of you.

    Jennifer recently posted Things I Could Do Without in 2012.

  206. Brava Jenny. Fight on. You are courageous. And on top of it all. Beyonce is on your side. :-)

  207. Plain and simple, you are my hero for putting this out there. It is so hard to struggle and suffer in silence and feel as if you can’t share your troubles. I respect you immensely for having the courage and compassion it takes to want to help others through your own story. YOU ROCK!!! Thank you Jenny.

  208. I’ve dealt with depression since the last year of college (the year Bonfire fell at Texas A&M…I’ve often wondered if they’re connected somehow). My last bout was this summer and it was my absolute worst. I spent the majority of the summer sleeping, avoiding people and hating my life. My lowest point was when I told Ryan that I wanted to leave him and our beautiful daughter and never look back and the only things keeping me from doing it was 1) knowing my mom would never forgive me, 2) I had no money and nowhere to go and 3) I didn’t want our daughter to grow up knowing her mother gave up on her.

    I hate that there is such a stigma around mental illness that I talk about mine all the time as if I suffer from diabetes or psoriasis. There is no shame, there is no fear, this is me, this is what I deal with, take me for what I am or don’t take me at all. When I finally emerged (that’s what it felt like, being held underwater), it felt glorious. I guess I’m different in that I don’t fear triggers setting me back into the depression…the only thing I worry about is the return of the summer…the heat…the monotony of the days…the cabin fever. Hopefully this coming summer will be different because my daughter and I will be staying with my parents.

    Fight on, Bloggess, my sister in pain. I know where you come from. Keep speaking out. Lets teach our daughters that seeking out help isn’t weakness, it’s bravery. Fight on.

    Tara recently posted Christmas 2011.

  209. I really hope all these wonderful and supportive comments make you feel more hopeful about the world!

    Rai recently posted Why I hate Boyfriends.

  210. Jenny,

    Thank you for writing this post. I’ve been fighting depression for four years now, and went through the depths of hell to get where I am now. I survived (and so did my mother, who suffered from borderline), but there was no-one to congratulate me when I did. I find solace in this post knowing that I’m not alone.

    Keep fighting. And I will support you :)

    Jilly Boyd

    Jilly Boyd recently posted Sweet Grace.

  211. By the time I hit post, there will be another 100 replies telling you how awesome and brave you are. I doubt you or anyone else will get this far down the page, but add my love and encouragement to the rest.

    beforeandever recently posted Mmmm.. guilt..

  212. I’ve never replied to your blog before. But I want and need to say thank you for writing this. I’m struggling with this myself right now. Thank you. Keep going.

  213. i heard one time a story about men who battled way back in like the stone age or something, and when they came through a fight alive, their fellow “battle mate” (?) would say three simple words to express the bravery he faced in the field, “thee thee thee.” This story may be totally made up from the person who one time told it to me, but i always use those three words when someone does something that completely inspires me. So, to you, Thee, Thee, Thee.

    Andrea C. recently posted how Stanley and i inadvertently killed our planet this weekend..

  214. I am stunned by your transparency, and inspired by your bravery. Holy awesomesauce, Batman!

    brainwise recently posted Friday 80s Flashback (on a Saturday) for December 30, 2011.

  215. I just fought my way out of one of the nastiest bouts of depression I’ve had in quite a while. While I don’t self harm, I certainly understand and empathize with those who do.

    Hats off, sister.

    Charity recently posted My vagina is broken..

  216. you are awesome.

  217. thank you. and i love you. we all self harm. all of us. some drink, some use narcotics. some cut. some eat. but we all use something… ANYTHING… to make the pain go away. we are all here for you. we all love you. and it does get better

  218. 221
    Michelle S.

    Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. As someone who understands, thank you for being a voice for those of us who sometimes get swallowed by the darkness, and pray that we’ll come out on the other side.

  219. 222
    Marieclare

    Wow, thank you for this, you are a fabulous example of what people can achieve whilst dealing with something like this on a daily basis, I think it’s amazing that you can be so honest about it, you should be very proud of yourself :)

  220. jenny, i’d like to say that you’re still the same person to me, but the truth is, i’m even more impressed with you. you fight this battle in a way i’m thankful i don’t have to deal with, and you’re resilient and courageous and willing to be honest so that others can draw strength from your weakness. you’re giving the finger to the cultural stigmas and encouraging others to do the same. that’s really freaking awesome. and i’m sorry, but i can’t look at you the same way after knowing it.

    i am one of the people who doesn’t understand self-harm, but i’m thankful for people like you, who are willing to just be totally you, making us all love you, and give a small window into why it happens, so hopefully we can be an encouragement to you and those in our lives for whom this is their battle, and this is their survival.

    sign me up for a silver ribbon.

    [sorry there's no funny or snark in this comment. i feel kinda weird being gushy and positive on your blog. raincheck?]

    ann @ my life as prose. recently posted a man of information..

  221. Thank you for showing me that someone else really does understand. I WANT to be happy. And I’m really trying, but sometimes it’s just hard.

  222. I live where you live every day. I fight every day and it makes me very, very tired. I do not self-harm, but I do harm the people I love by not being able to engage in their lives – OUR lives – on a regular basis. I worry that someday my gorgeous children will look back on their childhood and think “what if….”. What if mom was healthier. What if she were more like the good times and not the bad. What if the doctors could figure out the right combination of drugs and therapy so she could live her life with us.

    Jenny, your honesty makes it a little less painful – I’m not out here alone.

  223. 226
    Nancy (nacky_galore)

    Hello-
    Thanks for sharing and making yourself vulnerable – there will be many, including myself, who understand and appreciate your courage.
    I also have a daughter (now 18) who has seen me during some completely defeated times – she doesn’t understand it but has been an incredible bright spot always. She thankfully doesn’t suffer from this and I pray it stays that way. I wish the same for you – from what you’ve shared you are an awesome, fun, loving Mom and she will remember that.
    My best to you always,
    Nancy

  224. Every time one of us shares our secret battle with depression and similar issues, there becomes less reason to hide anything. It is tough to do, and there is still a stigma here in 2012. You have inspired me to be even more honest about my battle- even though I have already shared a lot on my blog. I still hold things back. There’s no reason to do that. All of this is medical–an illness like any other that needs to be treated and talked about. Much love to you today and every day. Thanks for being so honest.

    Kim G recently posted The First Chapter of 2012.

  225. Thanks for your honesty! I struggle sometimes too. I think I know what you mean when you say you self-sooth. Your honesty reminds me that I am not alone in those dark hours, days, weeks…other people battle these dark demons. We are survivors!

    Karen Blue recently posted PicoBong Giveaway!.

  226. As someone who struggles with bipolar, anxiety, and ocd, I can honestly say, thank you. Thank you for writing this and saying what so many of us can’t say. It’s so hard to not feel ashamed when you feel like such a loser for sleeping all day because you can’t bear to get dressed much less shower and put on makeup. It’s so hard not to feel ashamed when you look around your house and you see piles of dishes, laundry and things just lieing there and no energy to change it. And it’s hard not to feel ashamed when others that don’t understand tell you to just take things one thing at a time, and not to worry, you can do all those things and more if you just put your mind to it.

    You aren’t alone, Jenny. I don’t see you as anyone different than you are, more importantly, I see you as someone who is brave. We are warriors, together.

  227. We love you!!!!

  228. Thank you, Jenny.

    You’re such an inspiration, and knowing that there’s someone out there, someone so successful and funny and vibrant with a family and a crazy Halloween dollhouse and who speaks at events that scare her, even while suffering – that gives me hope for myself. My problems are relatively mild, but they never feel like that at the time, do they?!

    Again, thanks for sharing.

  229. Thank you for your openness and honesty. It gives me hope.

  230. It takes so much courage and strength to post something this deeply intimate. I come from a long line of depression-sufferers from my alcoholic grandfather to my sister who has never felt completely comfortable with herself. I have battled depression & anxiety too, although mine mostly comes in short bursts, I did have a period of time where I was in deep, so to speak. I don’t think I would ever have the balls to come out on my blog and say any of that. But you have given me a small bit of courage by leaving a comment here. Thanks for that. And you have a new subscriber.

    Rebecca recently posted TSS: The Books That Got Me Hooked.

  231. 234
    Nicki Easter

    Thank you for sharing. You speak for many that can’t find their voice. When you put somethinig out on the table and in front of a loving audience, you no longer hide it and in no longer hiding something, you no longer have to hide a secret, and when you don’t have to hide a secret, ,you can release any shame associated with it because it is no longer a secret. I will wear silver in honor of you and me and all the others.

  232. Three days is awesome. And quite a long time. In the fruit fly world, three days is EPIC. Just take it one fruit fly lifespan at a time. That’s the best anyone can do.

    alonewithcats recently posted The frankincense is always greener on the other side. Or whatever color frankincense is..

  233. Thank you for your honesty. The fact that someone struggling so much can bring as much joy, laughter and light to the world as you shows just how hard you are fighting. This world wouldn’t be complete without you and I wish you full and complete healing!

    Valerie P. recently posted Fantasy Manifests into Reality.

  234. good for you. i am happy that you have come out from under the blanket. again. and i’m sure it’s terribly numbing for you… unbearable is not the right word, but when nothing matters..it’s all bearable… but I must say.. I often read your site…. and your humor and outlook is soooo off. Seriously.. your take on things is so fucking wrong … which makes it amazing. Truly. Amazing, and funny, and disturbing and hilarious and icky and questionable and ridiculously fucking TRUE. And that’s you. And it’s awesome. So I applaud you. And your depression. And your family. Because..honestly…without the shackles of that…your outlook on life would not be what it is.. and we need you.. we need people who spend hundreds of dollars on a metal chicken for a few seconds of hilarity. At least I do… It helps me to know that I’m not the only one who thinks ” 1,,2,3, red, left, origin, penis, 9, circle, cookie…” when asked to count to 10….. So again…thanks for being you.. and for putting it out there…
    Wishing you nothing but the best in 2012… you are inspirational.

    hot mess mom recently posted Tattoos… what?.

  235. Thank you for pouring your heart out in this post. As the wife and mother of someone who suffers too, I can just imagine how heavy this felt for you. I hope that publishing this lifted some weight from your shoulders.

  236. I can’t even tell you the significance of this post for me. I found out last week my 13 year old daughter has been cutting. Of course, I flipped and was on the phone with a therapist before she finished her sentence.
    Thank you for giving me perspective and hope.

  237. A year ago I was ready to die. I wanted to die and tried between self harm. But I loved my son and my husband enough to force myself to go to the doctor and tell him I wanted to die. I found that strength in part because a girl I knew did kill herself.

    2 weeks after my son was born.

    2011 was a year of hell for me. Crawling out of that pit and out of the habit it had become. This blog which I discovered around the time my therapy started was a huge help. It encouraged me to blog again and to speak and to grow. Reading this blog I didn’t feel alone, and i could laugh. So I want to say thank you Jenny, your blog helped save me and my family.

    Babblebeth recently posted A Look Back and a Look Forward.

  238. I don’t know you, but I do know what you’re talking about. So I want to pat you on the back, and give you hugs. We suffer in silence far too often.
    This was a great post, and I will cherish it. Thank you <3

  239. Thank you

  240. Jenny I love you so much! You are a survivor! And you’ve been a strong influence in making me a survivor too. I literally once brought up being “furiously happy” to my therapist and she says it was a great prescription. Thank you!

    Untypically Jia recently posted 2011 in 12 Words.

  241. After depression attacks you where you’re weak, it tries to destroy you where you’re strong. It lies to you, tells you CAN’T when you actually CAN, tells you GIVE UP when you TRY, tells you NUMB when you FEEL, and tries to confuse you into not being able to tell the difference. And I really only know this through trying to help loved ones who suffer from it. You’re not alone, and there’s no shame in taking back your life, piece by piece, even if you think no one can see how far you’ve come. Keep on winning.

    campylobacter recently posted Cadet Nostrils.

  242. As a woman who sometimes thinks and does all of these things, I thank you for being brave and saying everything out loud so I can relate and feel less crazy.
    As a mother of two & teacher of teens, I thank you for painting a painfully necessary picture and giving a voice to others who are confused & suffering.
    Beautiful, you. <3

    stephanie (bad mom) recently posted 1/365 "beginnings".

  243. I am so very proud of you! 3 days is a million years worth of challenges when you are fighting the battle! And I thank you for sharing. I am honored that you are brave enough to fight the fight and tell the world at the same time. The stigma of mental illness is a strong one to fight when you are not in the midst of a battle, but in remission. I understand the fear that comes with being happy and waiting for that other shoe to drop. As someone who battles bipolar disorder, panic attacks, and agoraphobia, I thank you for your honesty. And more importantly, I thank you for your bravery! Thank you, Jenny. I am proud!

  244. I admire your strength and courage. Depression is a mean bitch. Thank you for posting so others know they are not alone.

  245. You are the exact same slightly broken, beautiful person you were yesterday. I was a cutter when I was younger, so I feel your pain (literally! :D). Now I wear my scars proudly, to remind myself not to give in again. I have a son to take care of, and I would hate for him to see new scars show up when to him I am still kinda perfect. :)

  246. Jenny I am just so damn glad that you’re still here to post this. I am proud of you and admire your honesty, strength, and resilience. Keep on keeping on and know that we love you.

  247. This is amazing and I can’t thank you enough for saying this. You are right. Those of us who suffer from depression and anxiety don’t get pats on the back for fighting our way through these debilitating periods of darkness, doubt, fear, and sorrow. It can drive family and friends away who don’t understand how this unseen illness is in fact, very real.
    You are not alone. I too am a self-harmer. Like you said, not enough to be put in an institution and I am on medication and see a therapist. In a twisted way it is soothing to have your mind focus on the external, “seeable” hurt. It makes sense to externalize the internal pain. And it sucks. But you keep fighting the good fight, as I do.
    And I know you fear Hailey realizing parts of you that you wish weren’t there. Like you, I am struggling to beat this hurting into submission before my kid (6 yo) becomes old enough to understand, but if I can’t, if I slip up, I’ll have to be gentle with myself and forgive myself. My shrink told me that it’s okay for my son to see me cry once in a while because it is an opportunity for him to learn compassion.
    Also, my son (and your Hailey) will have the freedom to know that they can express their emotions freely and not be judged. While most of my emotions form childhood were brushed off as “drama queen” antics, when my son said last night that he just felt black inside and needed to cry, I held him and patted his back. By bringing this out into the light, you are giving it less of a hold on you and giving hope to anyone out there who might be hiding in the dark, too afraid to do anything.
    If you know Aunt Becky, from Mommy Wants Vodka, I’m sure she’d love if you would allow us to cross post this on Band Back Together’s website. I’m an editor with the Band and I’m so happy for you and proud of you for writing this.
    Hugs times 1.5 million!

  248. Bloggess, you are my goddess. I wish everyone could be as honest as you about these things. rock on!

  249. 252
    Louise Williams

    congratulations for having the strength to fight it, win and write about it. You’re honest and human and that makes me like you even more. Kia Kaha… stay strong

  250. I may not share your struggle, but I can understand it. My brother is bi-polar and his version of self harm was to turn to alcohol and other…addictive substances. It’s taken a lot of work on his part, but he is overcoming it. So much so that he is going to be a husband and a father soon. Both of these are things he never thought he would be able to do. i have shared your blog with him in hopes that he finds another person who will understand his pain, and at the very least, he can read about it. So thank you, for being a genuine voice to people like my brother. People who feel as if no one understands them, even though they aren’t alone.

    Lauren W recently posted What a Holiday Season!!!.

  251. Crikey this came along at just the right time. I’ve just been through 4 weeks of hell with my son, and have learnt so much about Mixed Anxiety and Depression in that time. As a supporter/picker upper/ mum it feels like running a marathon, with no end in sight, and watching the person next to you slowly disintegrate and you can’t stop it.

    We’re on track now with a medication that seems to be helping, and we’ve recognised a trigger, which we only just figured out. I’ve taken a month of work to try to simply “be” with him. And the horror of walking in to your son’s room every morning to check he’s still breathing is simply so hard to explain to anyone else. People saw him right before the trigger hit us, and he was so…normal. And so they can’t understand the speed of the descent and consequences.

    Thank you so much for this post. It’s giving me something to relate to.

  252. Just the fact that you had the strength to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, as the case may be) to be frighteningly, baldly, blatently honest about your illness screams volumes. Depression is a fucking bitch. I hate her so much. If I could find a way to kill her for you, for me, and for the countless others who suffer in silence for fear of ridicule, I would. I would be a champion for all of us. Of course, as long as I have the mental and physical strength to do it, which isn’t often

  253. i will wear my silver ribbon with pride…i know i don’t walk on this journey alone, there are many of us. Thank you for sharing this with those that know and those that don’t. journey on…we do not suffer alone

  254. I don’t see you as the same person, knowing the silent battle you’re fighting. My respect for you grows, knowing how much harder you have to fight to be the wonderful, lovable, creative person you are.

    I struggle with depression, too. I know how hard it is just to appear “normal” most of the time, and I get so tired of people who take that effort for granted. I had to drop a friend in 2011 who didn’t understand how much work I was putting into just going through the motions, who demanded so much more than what I could give. Her girlfriend called me lazy and manipulative for daring to reveal that everyday things weren’t always easy for me, while my (now-ex-)friend stood by and waited for me to get over myself and put forth energy I didn’t have.

    On the upside, my fury at her callousness gave me something to be angry at besides myself. I wouldn’t recommend it as a traditional treatment for depression, but it got me through that bout.

    The experience taught me that I don’t need people in my life who don’t understand and don’t care to learn what I’m going through. Luckily, I know a lot more people who DO understand, and who will support me instead of kicking me when I’m down. Most of them have been through the same experience, or have known others going through the same struggle.

    It helps when there’s more information out there, more people who know or are willing to learn what this entails. The more people who understand, the less you have to lean on any one of them for long. And the less effort you have to spend on those who are too selfish or ignorant to understand.

  255. You are a strong, beautiful and inspiring person. Thank you for this, thank you for being the person you are.

  256. Oh Jenny. We love you and we would never judge. Keep fighting. You’re doing a hell of a job. I’m so proud of you for making it 3 days. Here’s to 3 more. And the 3 more after that… and the 3 more after that, forever and ever.

  257. I admire your courage for being so willing to share, even if it was temporarily delayed. I hope others who struggle read this and are comforted that they aren’t alone, because it’s one of the worst feelings to feel like no one knows how this feels and you will never have peace and love (even if you “logically” know that’s not true).

    Samantha M. recently posted Welcome, 2012!.

  258. 261
    Nancy Dziedzic

    I have major depression–have for most of my life–and I am not ashamed and you shouldn’t be either! When I was 14 I watched my mother slowly crumble in front of me and end up hospitalized for months. Nobody talked about it before, during, or after. She came home and we all picked right up where we left off. Except that we didn’t. She wasn’t the same, and neither was I. Our relationship suffered irrevocably. Now she’s 82 and I’m 43 and I’m suddenly involved in her medical care due to major surgeries she’s had. I’ve tried and tried and tried until I have no breath left in my lungs to speak with her doctors and nurses about her history of mental illness and the importance of keeping on top of it during her physical illness, because, as we know, the physical and the mental work together, and if one of them goes down the other will soon follow. And every single time I’ve brought it up, the voices drop and the walls go up. “But then we’ll have to bring in Psyche,” they say gravely, as if I’m asking them for an involuntary commitment. “Then go ahead and bring in Psyche!” I say, out loud and without shame. “She’s falling back into depression and then we’ll all be screwed, especially her!” I have so far gotten nowhere because the topic is taboo. Take care of this now. Get it out there. Tell people that you suffer from major depression, that it is NOT just a little bit of the blues, and that it does NOT mean you’re crazy or dangerous. It’s just a condition you have, like diabetes or high blood pressure. It’s manageable with the right treatment and the right support system. Do NOT be ashamed in front of your daughter. It might scare her, but not knowing the truth will scare her more. Be honest. Be open. Be brave. And fuck anybody who can’t handle it. I love you and I understand.

  259. You are brave and strong and my respect for you grows with every post.

  260. Thank you, from another survivor looking for the light in the darkness. Your openness about your struggle has given me (and countless others I’m sure) hope to keep going. That was all I needed, and EVERYTHING I needed, right now for this moment, and I didn’t even know it until I read your words. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but that doesn’t matter, because you helped save someone else today by simply being human. Thank you.

  261. Thank you for sharing this. I agree that being honest and sharing helps with the healing-at least, I know it did for me. I haven’t hurt myself in more than six years, and while I know it’s hard and everyone is different, you write with the kind of self-awareness I didn’t have until I was ready/able to stop. I don’t doubt you’ll be counting your days in weeks soon, then months, then years.

  262. I have fought this battle. I’ve felt these feelings. I’ve scraped the razor across my skin because it hurt less than what I felt inside. It destroyed my marriage and it almost destroyed me. Now I’ve rebuilt but I still live in fear that it will happen again. I panic at the thought of it happening again. Thank you so much for sharing.

    I guess this is timely because my ex apologized for not being strong enough to support me when I needed it most yesterday. It soothed a bit more of the pain.

  263. (I’ve rewritten this comment approximately eleventy billion times now. I’m going to trust that people’ll recognize that I’m not trying to shill for traffic.)
    I’m a perpetually recovering self-harm-er, too. And I know how hard it can be to say it out loud.
    Thank you for your bravery.
    I’ve been doing (some) work with the group site, BandBackTogether (dot com). We publish stories from, well, everyone. With all sorts of mental and physical health problems. Stories of rock bottom, of survival, of hope and of loss of hope. I know that one of the things that helps me in dealing with my issues is reading stories from people who are suffering the same problems. Or who have made it to the other side. I don’t want to step on any toes, of course, but I thought maybe you or some of your readers might get the same sort of comfort from reading stories that let us know we’re not alone, that I’ve found.

    thepsychobabble recently posted Dose of Happy Monday: My Birthday.

  264. This is my first visit to your blog but it won’t be my last. You are so brave. First of all, it takes a lot of courage to fight depression. It takes even more guts to write as honestly as you do to help others understand the horrible illness a.k.a. depression. And I’m so impressed that despite what you’re going through, you want to support others who are also suffering from depression.
    I sincerely hope that 2012 brings you renewed hope, good health & peace!

  265. You are a brave woman in posting this and in doing the hard work to feel better. xoxo

  266. Psalm 10:17 You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry.
    Revelation 7:17 For the lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;
    He will lead them to springs of living water.
    And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

    Jenny, this is the realest reality I have ever experienced. A meaningful, tangible relationship with Jesus Christ is the only reason I pulled through my depression and am alive today.

  267. Hooray for you – for being honest, for being brave and for being a survivor. I admire you on so many levels but none more than for being so candid. Wishing you the bestest of New Years – may you find something positive each day that makes you smile. Even if just for a moment.

  268. I’m so proud of you, too. For all of this and for shining light on those who need it. I’ll bust out that silver ribbon anytime, anywhere.

  269. You are, have been, and will continue to be, one of the bravest people I know. We are all here for you, always, and thank you for always being here for all of us. I know I’ve told you this before (seems like ages ago and an hour ago at the same time) but it was you who picked me back up and helped draw me out of the worst, longest episode of major depression I’ve ever had. And it has been you who has helped keep me from falling quite so low since then. Your bravery inspires me to be more brave and to be stronger and no amount of thank-you’s would be sufficient, from myself and my family. So know that I send you all of the loves. All of them.

    I love you just because you exist, and I will always be there for you.
    xo,
    -jo

  270. Kudos to you for surviving, fighting and sharing this with us. As someone who has suffered from depression in the past, everything you said is true. Depression does lie and it is crippling. But it can be overcome! Stay strong, Jenny and keep fighting it. We’re behind you 1000%.

  271. You’re right, it’s difficult for people who don’t suffer from this to understand what it’s like, but it takes brave folk like you to talk about it and help others understand. You go, girl.

  272. It hit me Christmas Day and lasted until Tues afternoon. Not fun, and I hate that deer in the headlights look my husband gets when I “get that way”. He understands, but obviously, I don’t like doing that to him. Ugh. On new meds as of last Wed. Fingers crossed.

    Keep up the fight cause that helps us keep up the fight!!

    Hugs.

  273. Thank you. For being you. For being honest. For talking/posting about depression and your experiences with it, it needs to be talked about in order to inform people. Thank you.

    Roggey recently posted A New Year, The Tank, And A Sock.

  274. It’s a beautiful post. It’s great that you are sharing your struggles with others. Thank you for your openness and for supporting so many others dealing with the same types of struggles. You are wonderful :)

  275. First of all, holy jeebus. When I started typing my comment, there were only 6 comments to this post. I had to reboot in the middle of a software installation and there are suddenly 237 comments. I’d say this post REALLY struck a chord.

    Secondly, Jenny, thank you for posting this. So many people caught in the throes of depression feel isolated and alone so being able to read that someone who as a seemingly-fabulous life (the premiere of Portlandia, a personal invitation from Armisen?!) struggles helps countless people feel less alone when they need it the most. I’ve shared this post with the site’s Facebook page and I will be cross-posting to the website’s forums shortly. Thank you again for the courage to post it and the hope given by doing so.

    Happy 2012 to you and your family.

    Ash_Denver recently posted 2011-08-16 10:46:54.

  276. 279
    Monkeyboymama

    You.are.awesome. Never forget that!!!

  277. Love, love, LOVE you still and always. You are stronger than most people. xoxox

    Bleu Pills recently posted Dear Jesus, your party was awesome but now I need a break..

  278. Just saw the Tweet with the link – I usually check by from time to time but it has been a few days and I jumped on the link as soon as I saw it. BRAVO! BRAVO! BRAVO – you always make me smile but this time you do have me standing on the chair and shouting to the air BRAVO!! (…the cat is now so far under the bed here I can’t even see her tail, but I see the bedskirt shivering against her – LOL!) Thank you Jenny for your perfect eloquence and bravery – the world IS a bit better because you are you, of this I am certain… and for all of us who read your words and find connection through them, you are precious beyond all. I will be keeping an eye out for the silver ribbon you mention. The adventure certainly continues – thanks for being you! And thanks for this! Most sincerely, Jan

  279. I have been fighting the depression/anxiety battle all my adult life. I have become more open and honest about it with those I am around daily. It helps sometimes. It is definitely better than faking it! I finally realized that I will probably be on medication forever, which is okay because life with my dope is much better than without. I think we depressives are strong. We have to be. Keep up the fight!

    Kelly recently posted Reflecting and pondering.

  280. You are brave and strong and my respect for you grows every time you post.

  281. Atta girl. Keep up the good fight, there’s lots of us out here.

  282. Let me tell you a (hopefully short) story. A few months ago, I found your blog. I thought it was absolutely hilarious and I loved it. For being so funny, so crass, and so completely honest when it matters the most. I started the task of reading every single blog post that you’ve written. It took a while, but it was worth it. Because somewhere along the way, this stopped being just a blog that I read to amuse myself. You became a friend to me, even though I didn’t know you and you didn’t know I even existed or read your blog at all. But it didn’t matter. You are still a friend to me. One who I can relate to, celebrate the little victories and mourn the losses with. One who I believe in and because we all need to be furiously happy no matter what the circumstances. And you taught me that. So all that I can say now is this: it’s okay. You’re still the same person to me.

  283. As a kid I suffered from anxiety. Any change–as small as trying a new food or as large as moving to a new city–could trigger anxiety. When I changed schools, I began every September morning by vomiting. I paced, I mumbled to myself, I rehearsed my day before leaving home. I was a mess.

    When I was 18, I believed I had found the solution: alcohol. I stayed drunk for 15 years, until the obvious health, relationship, and financial problems far outweighed the benefits. During my drinking, thoughts of suicide were my daily companions.

    Sixteen year ago I got sober and began to tackle the challenges of depression and anxiety without the benefit of self-medication. I sought therapy and had a mental status evaluation, which I hoped would yield a surprising diagnosis. Unfortunately, no. Just anxiety and depression. So I tried a range of drugs, most either did nothing or produced unacceptable side-effects. I finally found a drug that works for me, and tho I’m far from depression-free, I’m better. Much better. Just ask my wife.

    Thank you for your frankness. Thank you for fighting. Thank you for winning.

    Charlie recently posted In 2012 I resolve to....

  284. We all have our secret battles, some more devastating than others, and for you to share your battle is very brave and (contrary to movies and books) not everyone is brave. Bravo to you for fighting and bravo to your family for helping you in your quest.

    Your little girl will be a better person for having a Mommy that had to overcome her demons, because you will be able to teach her lessons and share things with her that someone who hasn’t had to struggle couldn’t.

    Bravo, Jenny.

  285. Thank you so much for being courageous enough to say this out loud. Every time a brave soul like you speaks out about these sort of things we come a step closer to all being able to talk about it. I have a number of people in my life who suffer depression, among other mental health issues. I occasionally suffer what I call depression-lite, I was clinically depressed after surgery and medication a number of years ago so I know the difference between then and my usual experience. I am quite open about it, and I always encourage people in my life to talk about it, because the feeling of shame and having to hide it just makes it so much harder to cope.
    I will certainly be sending them a link to this post.
    Keep up the good fight.

  286. Simply, THANK YOU!

  287. Thank you for sharing this… it has been three years since I have hurt myself, and I am still ashamed as hell of the scars that refuse to heal. I was like you, in and out of depression and no one knew… I tried therapy and medications but therapy made things worse and the side effects of any medication always seem to happen to me… I also feel like I “survived”, but can’t celebrate because I don’t want anyone to know. So I’ll celebrate with you in the virtual world! You are stronger than you think you are. And you are so brave to speak for those of us who may never be able to.

  288. I have battled depression and anxiety for most of my adult life. It is amazing to me that I still come across people at work (I’m a nurse) who will see a patient’s medication list and say, “Well, no wonder, she’s on lex*pro, P*xil, lith!um, or whichever other drug said patient might be taking.” I want to shout from the rooftops, “I HAVE BEEN ON ANTIDEPRESSANTS FOR MORE THAN HALF MY LIFE! DOES THAT CHANGE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT ME?” I do not yet feel comfortable shouting this at work, but it is something I am VERY open about with friends, family, and even people I don’t know terribly well. I do tell people at work as I get to know them, and I tell them in the same way I tell them I have high blood pressure…because that is how it should be spoken about. It is not a personal failing or weakness, it is a diagnosis.
    Even with all my experience with depression and anxiety, I was fortunate enough to be without suicidal thoughts…until I wasn’t…almost 2 years ago. My marriage was ending. I felt like a total failure for the first time in my life. I spent 2 nights curled up on the floor of my bathroom weeping and thinking about how much better it might be just to take every. single. damned. pill I could find than to keep feeling the way that I felt. I didn’t line up the pills, I didn’t even open a single bottle, but holy shit was my black hole deeper and darker than I ever thought it could be.
    My now ex-husband helped me get the help I needed. I will never forget how RIGHT he was regarding that…even in the midst of everything crashing in around us. He didn’t blame me; he didn’t tell me to get over it. He was on the way to work and turned his car around and came back to help me figure out how to claw my way out of that ugly, lying pit of depression. I am fortunate that I had him to help me.
    I don’t think that I was ever one to blame people who committed suicide. I always knew that it had to be terrible to get to a place where that seemed like the best possible answer. As I said, I wasn’t even CLOSE to taking action, but I would not wish for anyone to feel the way I felt.
    Thanks so much for what you shared. Thanks for keeping on sharing it even when you don’t want to. We are a tribe, and when you speak, you tell things that not all of us are ready to tell…and by doing that you make it easier for the next person to speak his or her truth.
    I love you for that.

    **I’m now going to post this comment to my dusty blog. Thanks for the push***

    sophie recently posted Grandmothers are full of surprises.

  289. So Brave to share your soul and struggle with this vast world of strangers. Thank you. For each of us who share any of our lives on the internet, there are too many who feel alone and suffer in silence. Your words help them.

    Dawn @ thedalaimama recently posted Yep That Was Me.

  290. Jenny, I’m so glad you are brave enough to share with us. I doubt you’ll read this, but I’m so happy you’re doing better now. I understand a bit of what you’re going through- anxiety disorder, OCD, & scratching till I bleed when stressed or worried over here. I’m overjoyed to know you found some things that help you, & never forget that if the darkness comes again, you can beat it back again. Rock on, Bloggess!

  291. I had post-partum depression that morphed into a full-blown depression back when my daughter was a baby. The feeling of a thousand tiny deaths inside every day is one you don’t easily shake off. It’s like a wall between you and the world that feels impenetrable.

    It takes so much courage and strength to poke holes in the wall to let the light back in, to let the fresh air flow into your lungs and breathe in the gifts within you and in front of you that are so hard to see in the dark.

    Congratulations on winning.

    Karen recently posted Random Friday - The 2011 Round-up. What I Learned This Year.

  292. It must be wonderful to have a support system.

  293. Thank you for posting this. You are a brave and strong person. As someone suffering from the same, I know how hard it is to talk about your depression; how it feels, what it does to you, how your brain lies to you. Way back when, I was right at my breaking point before I sought help because I was ashamed and felt like I should be able to just “get over it” on my own. Nearly 15 years later, I now understand a whole lot more about this insidious disease, and I try to be as open as I possibly can about it (and my other medical issues). I, too, believe that the only way to eliminate the stigma and shame is to talk about it. I found that once I started talking openly about my depression, it lifted a big old burden off of my shoulders. At least I didn’t have to *hide* any more.

    I am so glad that you are feeling better. Depression is a tenacious bitch. But you are strong and amazing and will keep kicking her to the curb. Know that there are loads of us out here who understand what you are going through and are thinking of you. *HUGS*

  294. Thank you.

  295. My best friend sent me this because I’d recently done a blog post about my battle with anxiety. It sucks, but we survive. This made me cry in a good way, thank you. Thank you for being a warrior. And FUCK mental illness. Wait, can I say fuck on your blog?

    Heather recently posted Not ashamed..

  296. Jenny, I think you are amazing for bringing these sort of battles to light. You’re right in that you can’t battle it until you fully admit it, and I went through that myself as a teenager. I managed to accept that it wasn’t a defect, that it was just a chemical inbalance and get the help I needed.

    Unfortunately that doesn’t make the depression go away entirely, and occasionally I find myself slipping into those holes as well. I’ll sit at work and stare at the corner under my desk in my cube and think of how I could just crawl in there and hide from my stress and cry for no reason. I think once I did. And it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it’s part of who we are, but it feels impossible to live with.

    The thought of not taking my meds frightens me, and recently my doctor tried to take me off them for no reason. I am currently trying to find one to replace that doctor, since this is not okay to me. I never want to feel hopeless again. I want to be able to walk with my head up and not inflict pain on myself just to feel something besides the looming darkness (been there too, but in a coward’s way…).

    So bless you for talking about your pain, and how you’re trying to fix it. I hope that you are able to conquer the scariest parts of this disease for Hailey and for yourself. But I also know that one day you’ll be able to tell her that you are strong and that you overcame an impossible struggle that was within yourself.

    You are an amazing person. I know I found this blog through a link that promised humour, but what I’ve found is a woman I can relate to, and I hope I can be half of what you are as I go through my life. Your humour and wit is only a small part of that…I hope to have your courage as well when I face what ever lies ahead.

    Renee recently posted Operation: Kitty No Poo.

  297. I have never commented before. I do read your posts all the time and I think you are wonderful. And very brave because you speak your mind and alot of times you say things that I would be too chicken to say…but I do think them…and that’s why you’re so funny probably. But I knew you suffered from depression…and I knew I did too, but I guess I couldn’t name it…until I saw one of your pinterest pins. It is the big monster sitting at the kitchen table. “Hello depression…I was expecting you” or something like that. That’s when I realized that I really do have this “thing”…and other people have it too. It was really the first time that I had hit a bout with the monster, and saw that picture, and then I guess I really realized that it wasn’t necessarily my fault. And for the first time I didn’t feel like a huge failure. And I didn’t feel so alone. You. Are. Courageous.

  298. i just found your blog from a link someone posted.
    it takes such courage to reveal so much of yourself like this. i suffer from anxiety and depression and know the weight, the misunderstanding and the loss of control.
    that’s what i struggle with the most…losing control when a panic sets in, having to walk home in the rain for an hour because you felt claustrophobic on the bus and got off due to a panic attack looming, not knowing when it’s going to strike… having to give over your life to this mental black hole that you can’t crawl out of.
    People dont understand because they can’t see it. They see physical diseases and pardon the sufferer.

    Thank you for being so brave to share your struggle.

  299. Thank you for writing this. Thank you for everything.

    And congratulations on your three days of no self-harm. I’m impressed, proud, and deeply happy for you that you’ve had a good start on success.

    Anne recently posted 2011.

  300. Found you via Kiersten White. Thank you for posting this. I suffered Postpartum Depression for 6 months before seeking treatment because ‘it couldn’t happen to me’. Depression isn’t something to be ashamed of. I would totally wear that ribbon!

  301. You are my hero. As you know, you already saved me once from my own demons. Thank you for being you.

  302. 305
    anonymouse

    You are incredibly brave, and an incredible person. We so often struggle in silence, and it shouldn’t be this way. I’m so pleased that your battle-cry extends so far round the world. I’ve had my own difficulties – here’s my battle cry about it: http://www.bandbacktogether.com/post/189/

    I’m with The Band, and that helps so much – to know they’ve got my back. And we’ve all got your back, too.

  303. Thank you so much….there’s a lot I want to say, but the words are kind of all jumbled up. In a nutshell: you are so not alone in this, and you are spot on that it’s not something you can just announce at work (“What did you do this weekend?” ‘Well, I picked the skin on my feet until they bled, but at least I got out of bed yesterday!’). The small victories add up. Counseling and drug therapy is like adding a whole battalion of soldiers to the fight. Thank you SO much for your honesty, because it kind of makes me want to be a little more brave too. <3

  304. Everyone I know knows someone who is affected by depression. And I’m so pleased that the couragous among us feel strong enough to share their experiences. Sometimes, its enough to know you’re not alone. I’m sending you thanks for your courage and love for your struggles. And prayers that your dark moments be short and seldom, and that your light moments be enough to sustain you. We’re always here for you.

  305. You are a victorious warrior. You will never truly know how your humor gphoe led me through a very dark time and all the while you were fighting your own demons. I stand in awe of your stength. You are a survivor and have every cause to look in the mirror and say ” that’s right…I rock!”.

  306. I can’t imagine what you go through, and I really can’t imagine the balls it takes to post about it, so GO YOU!!!

  307. The last person who told me I was brave for sharing my depression turned around and used it against me. She was my boss and she told me I wasn’t strong enough. I had to walk away from that job last week because of it and even though I see it wouldn’t have worked, it still hurts. I’m glad to see that you are able to use your voice to help those of us without one. My therapist even told me today to be careful who I disclose to. I’m sick of feeling like I have to hide. We NEED people to speak up. We NEED a voice. Thanks you again for speaking up. Maybe one day we’ll be heard.

  308. Thank you for sharing this. Every voice that speaks its truth makes us all stronger and every time you share your story, someone who thought they were alone will know there are others who feel like they do, and that we can survive those feelings and learn to thrive. Sending hugs and love to you.

  309. Thank you for sharing this – I do not have this disease but know many who do. Always looking to understand more. I am, however, a cancer survivor – going on 9 yrs ( was diagnosed at 30). Yes, I heard a lot of “you’re so brave” and “wow- the courage!”, and I appreciate those comments. But cancer does not = bravery, and my particular brand of cancer is not represented by a lovely pink ribbon. Yes, I survived. But I was also left broken to some degree. Anxious it will come back. Knowing because I was so young at diagnosis something will likely strike again. And while years have helped, that always sits close to surface for me. So really, are we that different?

  310. I’ve never told anyone, but sometimes when I get really mad at myself (because I have pretty low self esteem and any mistake I make, I want to punish myself for) I hit my head on things, just so I can focus on the pain of my forehead instead of the rage at myself. It doesn’t happen much anymore, and it sucks, but I don’t talk about it because I don’t want to be judged by other people like I judge myself. I think you’re really brave for talking about your problems and smart for getting help. You’re a pretty big inspiration.

  311. You’re a braver/stronger person than I am. I wrote a post admitting to self harm on my journal a few months ago and went back and locked everyone else out of it the next morning out of fear. Of how people would react. Of all the shit I’d get about how I was just looking for attention and all the other judgmental bullshit. I’m really glad I’m not seeing it in the comments here. I’m really impressed by you and the community here. Good luck in the future, really.

  312. Hello Darlin’… this is much more common than people would like to admit, all the shiny happy people on the net, if you get in a deep discussion with them, are suffering in some completely devilish way, as you are, as i am, i have recently realized the same thing, you have to ignore the demons, coz they will never fucking shut up anyway, and that’s the only way to deal with them… also, check this out, and i’m serioius, dooooo check it out… truehope.com i love you for all that you are, and all that you are gonna be, but mostly all that you are…

  313. Thank you for this brave and eloquent post that sums it up so well for so many of us. It’s so easy to feel alone, but you, glorious lady, won’t let us. Again, thank you.

  314. You are so brave and will prove to be a lovely example for your daughter. Hugs to you, my bloggie friend. You have already won by clicking Publish.

  315. 318
    cakeburnette

    I think we should celebrate. As much as we celebrate cancer survivors, and more. I celebrate YOU. Your wit, your strength, your inspiration to all of us out here. I don’t battle depression, but I battle anxiety and each year I get older, I try to make sure I am aware of what’s going on in my head for fear that it might become depression. But I’m not ashamed and I am think anyone who battles depression or any other mental illness/disorder should be either. We survive and that is admirable. Let’s celebrate!

  316. You are amazing and beautiful and inspirational, and I am grateful to you and proud of you for posting this.

    I had both chills and tears.

    Thank you so much for making me feel less alone.

    Desertbell recently posted When Spam Attacks…. And is Hilarious..

  317. Thank you. I needed to read this tonight.

  318. I hear you. I am proud of you.

  319. You are wonderful and brave and strong. Keep fighting in all the ways that work for you.

    Ribbon? We don’t need no stinkin’ ribbon. I think we need Beyonce the Depression Chicken.

    Suebob recently posted Travel Plans.

  320. 323
    Datagoddess

    I’m currently in the most depressive put I’ve been in for years. I’ve had depression since I was a teenager, and somehow I’ve just kept hanging on. Right now things are very very hard, but I just keep going.

    Thank you for talking about this. The number of people who think that somehow we’re weak, or damaged, or responsible for being depressed just don’t get it, and it helps to know there is a tribe of us out there.

  321. Have you tried a folic acid medication like Deplin? Recent research shows that almost 40% of humans cannot sufficiently absorb the folic acid in their foods (or even vitamins) and need special help in getting it. The folic acid deficiency can contribute (and cause) to depression, allergies, migraines, chronic pain, and conditions such as Parkinsons.

    I have been taking it for 2 years -and it is life altering. Seriously talk to your doctor about it.

    deb roby recently posted #2 The First Gym workout of 2012.

  322. I am you. You are me. We will fight this thing. Some how, some way. And be strong. Not because we want to, but because we HAVE to. Much love to you.

  323. YES. Yes to everything you said in this post. Thank you for your courage.

  324. thank you for posting. I know how difficult these things can be, and I hope it gets easier from here on.

    radiosteve recently posted post-semester come down.

  325. Wearing a silver ribbon, as I’m all too familiar with this battlefield of depression. I don’t self harm, but I do self sabatoge. Thank you for coming out of the dark to shed light on something that’s normally talked about in hushed tones. Glad to see you back on the other side.

  326. *hugs* You’re brave, and awesome, and you don’t know me, and I realize that even though reading your blog has become a regular thing in my week … I don’t actually know you; but I just wanted to post to tell you, and offer hugs from another human in the world.

  327. Depression is a bitch! I’ve read through some of the comments and it’s funny that so many of us that suffer find others by the hilarious blogs they write. I am an avid follower of several very depressed ladies who write the funniest damn things. Depressed people not only are rockstars but freakin’ funny as hell! Stay strong funny lady and know that by sharing your own suffering, you’ve helped so many others.

  328. You know something? You’re amazing. As someone who lives with a depressed spouse and is intimately familiar with how crippling depression can be, all I can say is kudos to you for doing everything right and being honest and up front about your journey with it. As I always tell my husband – No one thinks twice that diabetics need insulin. Sometimes depressed people need neurotransmittors. They’re both biological replacements and the one shouldn’t carry a stigma.

    I wish you all the best in your continuing journey. It can take time and there may be relapses, but I can tell you’re going to make it!

    Jen J. Danna recently posted Skeleton Keys Is Named A Top Forensics Blog.

  329. Proudly wearing a silver(-ish) ribbon for you, for me, for everyone whose life is touched by the insidious liar that is depression. Hugs to you, Jenny.

  330. I’m proud of you!

  331. Judging from the tears running down my cheeks, I think I really identify with you. This holiday season was the worst for me. But, they have passed and I’m still alive. I awoke with a fresh sense of purpose this morning so that’s a hopeful thing. Thank you for your honesty, Jenny!

  332. What a brave post. Know that we’re here, in this community, with you. You’re an amazing person for admitting your battles and having the strength to survive. It’s not easy, because it’s exactly what you describe: a feeling of personal failure, that we’ve done something wrong and we’re not strong enough to do what’s needed to pull ourselves together. People not experiencing this depression just don’t understand or get it. Thank you for sharing this, and best your way in staying above water.

    Mike recently posted Liquid of Langerhans.

  333. Jenny, you always seem to have the right post at the right time. I suffer from an anxiety disorder chock full of crippling bouts of depressions. Some days I celebrate just being able to leave my bed and move to the couch. Some days I weep so inconsolably it causes physical pain. Some days I am just numb and don’t want to fight. Some days I am thankful that I didn’t actively Lose. My. Shit. because someone told me to “stop worrying” or some other trivial verbal vomit that does not help me.

    And some days I am happy and feel “normal.” Those are the scariest because I wonder why I can’t feel normal all the time. Thank you for posting this. I don’t feel so alone and I feel a lot more normal than I did before reading it knowing that I am not suffering alone. Nor in silence. I’m thankful that I have a few people in my life that know sometimes I just need to cry and be alone, or held or that I don’t have any idea what the crap I need. Those are the people who love me no matter what. And I am forever grateful for them.

  334. It’s funny how so often we can look fabulous on the outside and feel so awful on the inside. I’m a huge fan of your work and even prouder of you as a person. If I had a silver ribbon, I’d be wearing it right now for you. xo.

    Kathleen recently posted Recipe: Light Pumpkin Spice Cheessecake.

  335. your willingness to share helps in more ways that you will ever know. be well.

  336. Oh Jenny. I want to give you the biggest hug I can give you for this post; I’ll hug my cat for you. Silver ribbons for all.

    Cameron recently posted MMXII: The Year of the Quickening.

  337. For all of the progress we have made in society towards enlightenment and acceptance, “coming out” with anything related to mental illness is still a very scary thing and I can’t applaud you enough. I live with and love a man who is bi-polar and has anxiety disorder and who has gone through the gamet of treatments for it – including ECT. My children have even inherited some of the anxiety. For those who are not inclined to these tendencies – it is almost imposible to understand (a.k.a. … me) if you have not walked in their shoes. You have so captured my thoughts on this subject though! I had cancer and everyone was so happy for my remission. At the same time my husband was going through his own remission and I was more excited about that than anything else because the effect on our family was greater! I wanted to scream it from the rooftop! No – look at him! Look at the change in him! Can’t you see it? It’s literally been years since I have had my husband!!!! And yet at the same time I didn’t want to say it too loud for fear that the depression would hear me. What if it could hear me? I’ll do whatever I can to help it stay away!

    Thank you for your brave soul, heart, mind, voice. You are beautiful.

    Pamela recently posted 1 Year Cancer Free.

  338. I find this so hopeful.. thanks for sharing. If it makes you feel any better, when I ‘came out’ about my illness- it was like a pressure cooker releasing steam. While I was so afraid of sharing, I realize the secret kept me trapped and made things only worse. Only after I could release could I find more self acceptance.
    Depression and anxiety is such a curse, but on the flip, I value each and every day that I do not suffer. As for fear of the return, it might, but the defense mechanisms you have in place will guard you.
    May your recovery continue, may you continue to make us all laugh, and may you know that you are among many who are survivors, not victims, of this disease.

  339. Honestly Jenny, near every one of your tweets and posts brings amazing joy and fits of giggles into my day, so it’s all the more amazing that you still manage to keep that joy alive while beating the down days. I’ve only ever suffered mild depression, so I can only imagine the embuggerance of living with a more concentrated version.
    It takes balls (metaphorically of course) to deal with this kind of thing and takes vastly huger balls (metaphorically) to share it with the world.

    We may not be able to offer you tangible support, but I hope you can see how many of your readers are extending digital hugs across the the waves and are thinking of you.

    You are splendid.

  340. Shit you are strong. Even if you don’t think it every day, I know you know it’s there, and the times when that strength peeks its head out publicly we are all honoured to be able to share in it and take a bit for ourselves.

    I could have said that all with ‘I’ instead of ‘we’ but I think the sentiment is so much bigger than just me. And this line “I hope one day I live in a world where the personal fight for mental stability is viewed with pride and public cheers instead of shame.” is incredible.

    Cheer today, fight again tomorrow. Thank you for sharing.

    JJ @ 84thand3rd recently posted A taste of New Years.

  341. I think you’re so amazing and brave to open up about this. We’re all behind you.

  342. I haven’t cut for a few years now, but I still feel the urge during bad patches. You are brave, and honest and amazing. Really.

    You should also visit Australia. I think you’d like it.

    Veronica recently posted All she needs is a goat and a sense of humour.

  343. Thank you for sharing, I commend you for being so open a d honest and celebrate with you as you are winning the battle..

    @Jazmyn (or others that may need this) you can check into your local community mental health (each county should have one) that offer reduced and sometimes free services, and help with medications if needed as well. You can also contact the manufactors if the medications and they have programs to help people obtain medications they need, but have no insurance/financial strain.

  344. Jenny…I, too, fight those battles. The physical pain is so much easier to deal with and focus on than the mental pain and the evil, foul lies that depression sings to us, isn’t it? Uncertainty and discord trigger me. When you have ADHD, depression and are probably borderline Asperger’s, those happen a lot. But we can get through this, right? Together we can hold each other up when it becomes too difficult. *solidarity fist bump*

  345. Don’t ever stop fighting and keep on winning. My cousin lost her battle almost a year ago. She always saw how wonderful everyone around her was but she could never believe that she was wonderful too. Someday we’ll truly understand depression and then we can beat it for good.

  346. Congrats on finding the courage to write this post! I have been self-injury free for 6 years. You can beat this- you will!

  347. I’m new to your blog. I am not new to the fight, or the lost battles, or the shame.

    YES to everything you said. YES YES YES from the rooftops. Thank you for this.

    Shalena recently posted Favority-Fave Reads of 2011.

  348. Oh Bloggess, you are an inspiration. I love reading your blog and laughing my tail off. I am so sorry that depression seeks you out. Know that many, many people are not depressed because of you, your blog and your humor. Keep up the fight, funny lady. PLEASE!

  349. Thank you. I have been (and will be) in this place. It helps to know others are going through the same thing. Thank you. You are amazing.

  350. I sing myself that song daily. I survive every day. I pat myself on the back, because there is no one else around to do it. You are my hero.

    AbsoluteLeigh recently posted Happy New Year!!.

  351. Thank you for writing this! You are amazing and your victories should be celebrated…without shame. I love your silver ribbon idea…you should sell them in your store! :)

  352. Love the idea of silver ribbons: Not exactly a silver bullet, but an acknowledgement of courageous fighters. Hoping your article causes a run on sparkling ribbons!

    Roberta Murphy recently posted Clean Out Closets and Pantry–and Lend a Hand.

  353. Jenny,

    I just want to say I have suffered from depression and anxiety as well, and thankfully, I’m on the other side of it now. (It was caused by medication I was on at the time.) I can imagine your pain, and I remember the darkness that felt like it was swallowing me entirely. I remember crying for no reason, and feeling like my world was spiraling completely out of my own control. I just want to say that when all you can see is your darkness, WE can all still see your light. I think that’s why some people can’t understand, they can’t see the shadows. They see the good in your life, and don’t understand why it’s so hard. I always tried to remember that if other people could see the light in my life, I knew I could see it eventually too, even if it was currently covered in shit. I fought a lot of battles in 2011, and kicked a bunch of hurdles in the face. But it was exhausting, and hard. A friend showed me your blog in a time when I was pretty down on myself. You brought me to tears with several of your posts. But mostly the kind where I laughed so hard I cried, and peed a little. You are a strong, kind, and important woman. Please never forget that! All my love!

    Kick 2012 in the balls.

    CJ

  354. A friend of mine used to get tattoos when she felt the call of pain. I did it that way once myself. Just an option.

    Whatever works for you, thanks for talking about this. Many people deal with depression, myself included, and it’s really too bad there’s such a stigma about it. The more we talk, the more others will understand.

  355. I’m happy and proud of you and love that there is such a supportive community. When I was “outed” five years ago due to a local scandal I was publicly ridiculed. Thank you for talking about your depression!

  356. As someone who has suffered from depression and anxiety, how has gone in and out of remission more times that she can count, I just want to say thank you. And I’m sorry. No one should have to suffer the hell that is depression. No one should have to shoulder the shame associated with self-harm (which I have also suffered from). You’re right that the stigma has lessened but we can always use strong voices like your own to help others understand.

    I hope your remission is a life long. Holding you in my heart and in my thoughts.

    Thanks for this.

    Esperanza recently posted 2011: The Year of Meh.

  357. You’re the same person to me- an awesome, hilarious, earth-shatteringly real, incredibly brave and awesome person. I would wear a silver ribbon. I would walk in a race with a thousand other silver-ribbon-wearing people. I’m a survivor too. I’m proud that I’m a survivor. I’m also on the very light-end of e self-harm spectrum. Never anything that would leave a mark or a cut, just enough to distract me. I’m so thankful it was never more than that. My husband is awesome. My parents are awesome, but they can’t understand what it’s like. I’m with you sister. In silver-ribbon wearing solidarity.

  358. What a Tweetheart . I will be sharing this post ASAP.

  359. Lame but true response to your eloquence: It’s okay. You are still the exact same person to me.

  360. 363
    Still Anonymous, Still Ashamed

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for this. You just motivated me to take my antidepressant for the first time in five days. I’ve really been struggling lately. I have depression, anxiety, and I self-harm. People do not understand. I’ve done my fair share of gentle reaching-out to see if I’m really truly alone, and it usually turns out that I am. Today I actually started composing a suicide note in my head. My usual depression is this sort of existential “I can’t stand the world’s suffering, and I’m a useless failure to stop it” stuff, but lately it’s compounded with some personal tragedies, that, unfortunately, are not “God’s will” and therefore continue to be my own responsibility, and provide me with less support than needed. Thank you for your timing today. I am still on my couch, but I will keep breathing.

  361. Thanks for this…

  362. As someone who experienced the depths of depression a few years ago (I’m getting better, but I still have “episodes” that can last for weeks), I really admire and appreciate you coming forward and being so outward about your struggle. Professional therapy didn’t work for me and I’m not a huge fan of meds (my personal choice…if it works for others, more power to them!), so I do my own mental exercises that seem to help fairly well. Having said that, reading blogs like yours are a tremendous help. Knowing that so many other people experience this is a tremendous help (albeit a bit heartbreaking). You and I are very similar in that we use humor and comedy as an outlet, and it’s been the best therapy I can find.

    Anyway…thank you again! You’ve made a huge difference, and I hope you find consolation in that.

  363. How I wish I had time to read all the comments on this post. I bet they are as moving as the post itself. I hear you, I feel your pain, and I admire you. We are all in this arena together, and we CAN all make it out alive. Thank you for sharing your truth. xoxo

    Aubrey Anne recently posted A letter.

  364. Your bravery and honesty amazes me, but I found myself equally as overwhelmed by the positive, warm, and supportive comments everyone has left. I originally intended to remind you that you aren’t alone (as your posts often remind me throughout my struggles), but the outpouring of others who share in this disease makes it more evident than one comment could…

    You are amazing. You will make it through this.

  365. There’s nothing I can add, but I must say “Thank you”.

    Mars recently posted 1940′s Evening Gown.

  366. I’m also a self-injurer. I haven’t done it recently, but I self-injured for 23+ years. I know the struggle as I have undergone treatment for self injury almost 5 years ago. My story is on my blog:

    http://kitterztoo.com/2009/10/19/skeleton-2.aspx

    Know that I understand when you feel the urges to, and the guilt after giving in self-injury. Know that I don’t judge you and that I’m honored you stepped out of the shadows. It’s embarrassing and shameful, but when you release your secrets there is no more fear of:

    “Well, if they knew the REAL me, they wouldn’t like me. They’d think I’m sick and crazy.”

    I see you. And I’m still here.

    @kitterztoo recently posted Things Girls Leave in Trees.

  367. 370
    Stacy Jones

    you are a hero. a voice for others. a real person with real words. thank you.

  368. 371
    holly hoyos

    I understand this so well. I’m have severe depression and anxiety. I also self harm. It is so difficult for those unaffected to understand, it is hard to be misunderstood. This is a great post. So appreciated. Thankyou!

  369. Holy shit girl, you are so fucking awesome, so strong, so amazing. I love you more every day.
    Thank you for what you’ve written today, I’m just in awe.

    monstergirlee recently posted 365:365 December 31 Family Portrait For The Big Finale’.

  370. Dear Jenny, just when I don’t think I can admire you any more than I already do, you drop something huge like this and I love you even more. Keep on keepin’ on girl.

    Rebeccah recently posted Reverse List of New Years Resolutions.

  371. Thank you for posting this.

  372. Dear Jenny-
    I have just recently found your blog and enjoy it immensely. I am so sorry to hear of your illness and I admire you for being so open and honest with your readers.

    I have battled depression and anxiety for many years now myself. I also have trichotillomania or compulsive hair-pulling. Some of the most hurtful comments can come from seemingly well-intentioned friends. They tell you about somebody else that has suffered ‘real’ tragedies, then remind you why you are ‘silly’ to feel so bad when you have a wonderful life and ‘Gee, couldn’t it be so much worse’. If anybody reading this has EVER said that to a friend thinking you are helping, DON’T EVER DO IT AGAIN! We know that it doesn’t make sense to feel the way we do when we have a family who loves us and haven’t just survived a genocide or whatever horrible thing we try to imagine to make us feel even worse about ourselves than we already do. Whenever I start to feel really bad, the ONLY that helps me now is experience…knowing that I made it before and remembering how good it felt to feel good again.

    Jenny, I have two pieces of advice. One, erase the word self-esteem from your vocabulary and replace it with self-acceptance. You cannot ‘achieve’ your way out of this! Plenty of people with successful careers, picture-perfect children and houses worthy of Good Housekeeping (or depending on your tastes, Architectural Digest) are desperately unhappy. Love yourself; not in spite of your issues, but also because of them. They make you the person that you are. Two, I urge you to continue seeing different docs and trying different meds. Since tweaking my meds 4 or 5 years ago, I have NOT had any really bad moments.

    Good luck and take care,
    Lori

  373. I love you.

    I love that you are honest and funny and brave and you keep getting up. I love that you wield a parasol like a fucking ninja.

    It’s hard to be honest. It’s hard to be strong. I haven’t hurt myself in 22 years. That’s an eternity and it’s a victory and it didn’t stop me from crying in pain and anguish and despair when I discovered my fifteen year old was hurting herself. But she hasn’t hurt herself in 6 months. And that’s amazing and I am grateful for everyday of it.

    You are amazing and wonderful and I am so fucking proud and grateful that I get to be a part of the same planet you are on.

    Mingsmommy recently posted Merry Christmas.

  374. Over the past year I’ve come to realise that being strong isn’t about not letting life beat the crap out of you but about getting back up when it does. I can’t tell you how much it helps to know someone else is dealing with much worse than I am with so much humour and bravery.

    I starve myself. It’s a weird nebulous impulse, somewhere between self harm and anorexia that has little to do with me wanting to be thin and everything to do with equating weight loss with acheivement. A year ago things had got to a point where hunger could be both a reward and a punishment and it took a huge personal loss for me to realise (and a good friend to gently point out) that not eating for three days wasn’t normal, grief or no.

    I’m eating more now and mostly healthy. I have good housemates who make sure I eat and unintentionally guilt me into looking after myself because I can’t stand to worry them. But when I get angry and upset I fall back into not eating, arms outstretched not even trying to catch myself. Every time people tell me I’ve lost weight it frightens me a little.

    Still, good things have come out of it too. I have a good friend who will giggle like a naughty school kid with me at my anorexia jokes. (The best one was when he was theorizing that women would rather go without sex than without food. As I said: “Really? You’re including me in that?”) Also for a while my official motto was ‘you can’t put an anorexic in a morph suit.’ I do drama and also have a weird life.

    What I’m trying to say, in an incredibly long winded way is thank you for sharing something so personal. While the post itself might be serious the fact that you get up every day and continue to fight is nothing short of life affirming.

    Kate_T_Taylor recently posted Santa brought me something special this year….

  375. I’m so glad you posted this! I have no doubt it WILL help. And I love your taste in battle-songs…that one is perfect.

    jacqui recently posted Suspicious Activity….

  376. Thank you for posting. I’m not ready to be public about my own battle yet, and I am in awe and so grateful to those who are. Keep fighting.

  377. I’ve never commented on a blog post because I am almost certain that there are far too many comments for one person to keep up with but this is something I cannot over look. I struggle daily. I try desperately to sweep it under the rug and keep distracted so that I’ll be “too busy to be depressed.” But of course it doesn’t work and it just makes it all worse because then it makes everything else such a struggle and then I feel like a failure and it’s a horrible cycle with no end. I tried getting help and meds and therapy. You see, my husband is in the Army and after about 6 months of me seeing a “professional” my husband came down on orders to report to Germany with our family in tow. After they found out I was in therapy, my husband was sent alone and we were left behind to fight a battle to get his orders reversed so that we would not have to spend two years without our soldier and paying for two households. After that hell, I decided that since they are going to punish me and my children for me getting help, I won’t need help anymore. I’m cured. I’m “normal” and no longer need meds or therapy. I don’t need any of it. Of course THAT isn’t true but now I’m left battling alone, in the dark, and too afraid of the repercussions of trying get better while in the military community. Reading this post made me cry. I’m still crying. It makes me so happy to see when others dealing with the anxiety and depression I deal with feel brave enough to say that they need and are getting help. You are brave and an inspiration and I hope your day 4,5,6… are amazing!!

  378. So proud of you! You are strong! You are not the same person after publishing this, you are a BETTER person. Stay strong, your readers truly love you.

    Rease recently posted The Not So Magical Florida Wildlife.

  379. You are quite brave despite what the committee in your head says! It is incredibly important to share for you, for others doing the same, and for others who don’t have depression or understand it. I applaud your honesty and candor about what goes on inside you.

  380. Thank you.

  381. jenny, i cannot count the times you have made me smile when it was what i so desperately could not do otherwise. so i just wanted you to know, you are loved, respected and admired for your unique self.

  382. I wrote this song about it, called “Home” that I would like to share. You can hear it and read the lyrics here: http://frankbell.tumblr.com/post/13241259958/from-the-interview-at-tunecore-com-we-wrote-it

  383. Hugs to you girl. me and my sister both suffer from depression and I have a TON of anxiety, it sucks.. Thanks for sharing this with us all.

    Shop with Me Mama (Kim) recently posted Test Products, Earn Money..

  384. Thank you for talking about something that even people that I know and love don’t understand about me. Every day is a fight just to stay normal. Thank you thank you thank you.

  385. I don’t know you & I have never commented on your blog before. I don’t suffer from depression, but I do love many who do. I can only imagine what you & my loved ones suffer through. And it is the stuff of my nightmares I’m sure. I say all of this to say, you are an amazing woman. You are an inspiration & even a hero. And at this moment I’d like nothing better than to give you a great big hug & to celebrate with you.

    Congrats on 3 days and here’s to many, many more! You go girl!!!

    PrincessLadyBug recently posted PostSecret 12/25/2011.

  386. Thanks Jenny, for having the courage to talk about it. To write about it – to joke about it. My son is 22 and in rehab right now, because he self-medicated. He was severely depressed, anxious…he was a lot of things that I didn’t realize until it was too late. It started when he was 15. At first I just thought he was just “being a teenager”… I didn’t understand it – had never seen it before. I’ve learned a lot about it through his therapies and rehab and reading articles and books. And from you. You give me the most hope. Because even though there are those terrible, horrible dark days – there’s also still life and love and humor and everything else you give to all of us. I hope he finds that one day as well. My heart hurts so badly for my son. I wish I could understand better what he needs, what I can do for him. My heart hurts for you and your loved ones, too. It’s a terrible thing to watch someone you love hurt so very badly. An internal hurt that you cannot fix.

    Whoever said that they’d like to send you a metal rooster to tell you that you are awesomesauce was spot on. I hope someday that with the right therapies and medications and support system, that my son will be awesomesauce, too. He’s a talented musician/artistsand I can’t wait until he gets to share it all with the world – just like you with your talents. You are amazing. Thank you!!!

  387. Jenny thank you for this. I finally accepted that I am bipolar 2 and started taking lithium two Weeks ago. It’s been so hard because if depression is somewhat accepted, bipolar is still misunderstood. I’ve been relatively upfront about the depression. but this diagnosis not so much. I feel so much better on this med, in fact better than I ever have. I do feel healed.I’ll wear that silver ribbon.

    Lynn recently posted Jack’s family | Denver baby photography.

  388. I, too, wear a silver ribbon, and my battle is intense (and I’m a bit older than you). Thanks for your honesty. And keep fighting…

  389. Keep fighting, Jenny. You CAN do it. It’s worth it!

    My blog on my fight with depression: http://happygosnarky.wordpress.com/2011/08/16/a-man-down/

  390. You are amazing. You are strong, and you are beautiful, and you are loved. You have built a community of women and men spread over the entire world who understand your struggles and applaud your strength in coming through it. I also struggle with clinical depression, and on the bad days I have cut myself to feel something tangible. I am happy to say that through therapy, medication, and love, I haven’t done that in a long time. There is life on the other side of depression. She is a lying bitch. She will tell you that no one loves you or values you, but I hope you know that isn’t true. Not only do you have family and friends who love you and need you, but you have all of us out in the internet who have never met you, but feel like coming home to your blog and twitter feed. You are the best friend I’ve never met, and I experience your ups and downs as my own.

    Love and hugs from California

  391. First thought: I understand all this completely.
    Second thought: But I have felt suicidal a lot.
    Third thought: But I don’t self harm.
    Fourth thought: Well, I don’t think I do. Not really. Slapping yourself, hitting your head against a wall, digging fingernails into your palms till they bleed to distract yourself – that’s not self harm is it? Not like cutting or something? Oh shit, maybe I better rethink this one.
    Fifth though: Go Jenny – “It’s okay. You’re still the same person to me.” You bring both laughter, and serious thought into my life – Thank you.
    Sixth thought: I’ve worked and worked at it and right now I’m sooooo fucking happy. It’s taken me to 60 (because I avoided that work for so long) but right now life is fantastic. You have started your journey much younger so keep at it and you will get there.
    Now I’m off to buy a silver ribbon to wear to show my support for you xox

    Cally recently posted Rediscovering Berries.

  392. Well. Done.
    *taking a bow*
    Be strong Jenny. And when that’s too hard, be weak. That’s ok, too. I am learning that lately. Hardest lesson I ever learned. Not sure it’s sunk in quite yet.

    Ally recently posted I just made this make-up bag!.

  393. You are not alone, and like many others, I have the scars to prove it.

    I’m thankful for those of us who take the leap and talk about it – here’s hoping we can help others by doing so.

    Kim recently posted Splenda Tastes Gross To Me, And It's All International Delight's Fault..

  394. I love you. That’s all.

    Lorca Damon recently posted There Goes My Resolution Not to Be a Bitch.

  395. Jenny, your bravery in shouting out your victory to the world is more than some of us have ever managed, or may ever manage. But we’ll all keep soldiering on. Until then, here’s a silver ribbon for both of us: http://www.beadmore.com/product_images/z/249/medium-support-ribbon__90843.jpg

  396. 399
    LibraryGirl62

    Thank you…just…thank you…

  397. Thank you.
    I too self harm. No one understands it. I hate myself for doing it, but can’t always prevent it.
    Thank you for being strong for those of us that don’t have a voice. And bless your family for holding things steady while you find your way back to the surface.

  398. Keeping fighting, keep sharing. As a parent of a now 12 year old who was suicidal at age 9 and now stable, I can tell you we talk about it, we tell him weekly, maybe more, how proud we are that he came back to us. We say, “remember when” a lot in our house because he needs to know we know. We know he fought, even though his mind was telling him he should die.

    We’ve come a long way since his admittance into a mental hospital but we know somewhere around the corner we’ll likely be there again. And we’ll celebrate it when he comes out of it. He lets us share his story, even though I get blasted for it sometimes, I do it because one day, it won’t matter when he says, “Yeah, I used to do that, but you can make it through.”

    So proud of him and of you.

  399. You. Are. Awesome.

  400. Just what I needed to hear today! Before I read this I called two of my dearest friends and said the words I’ve been avoiding; “I’m depressed.” That evil, haunting beast I had secretly hoped I had conquered once and for all has reared it’s ugly head once more, and I am terrified. There is nothing worse than knowing you can’t trust your own emotions, that they are misguided. You said it best when you said that depression is a lying bastard! Your honest is beautiful, and refreshing, and just what so many needed to hear!

  401. Thank you for your honesty and bravery. Knowing that there are others out there not only going through the same struggles, but winning, whether they be small victories or large, is a comfort and inspiration. Be proud and keep fighting!

    Jennifer recently posted It’s Not the Land Of the Free in Sunny California.

  402. You are amazingly strong and brave. And even though I don’t KNOW you know you (only through your writing) I feel so proud of you for writing this post.

  403. You are the same person, only way WAY more awesome. I didn’t even think that was possible! Count me in for wearing a silver ribbon. My friends with depression (and yes, some self-harm) are stronger than I ever could be and it’s a shame it doesn’t get recognized.

  404. You are so amazing and, I hesitate just a little, a role model for the rest of us who don’t have your talent and wit but share your darkness. I hesitate because, hey, no pressure from us! But I understand sometimes praise feels like a burden and pedalstals feel like cages. Next time I have a glass of wine, I’ll raise a toast to you. Oh look, it’s happy hour. That’s nice timing. (thank you, btw, for being brave).

  405. Courage and grace. Thank you.

  406. 409
    kathy cole

    made me cry – again. you’re definitely not alone (in either the self-harm or the depression), as I know you know when you’re not in the middle of it. just wanted to thank you for the post, and I’m glad you’re doing better.

  407. I don’t know you. But I can say that you have hit the mark dead center. I suffer from both depression and cancer. I am hoping to survive the cancer. The depression has been with me since childhood. But I want to thank you for writing your post. Undoubtedly it will help many to better understand the battle one has with depression. You have given many people a gift. I’m sure many are thankful for it.

    Lee

  408. Your post on depression is beautifully written…I understand the isolation and the fear that people will just get sick of hearing about it.

    Friends and family fight cancer and disease and I applaud their bravery and hold their hands and comfort them through the bad times. Every illness and sad passing is different. Little private clubs that families and loved ones belong to….

    And…. then theres the club of all clubs, the depression club. So different…. So difficult for our families to understand how we get through each day. My family get mad when I don’t talk about it… and then when I do, they give me such horrendous advice, that I wonder why I even try.

    So, from a complete stranger comes understanding. Imagine a hug from me and the soft words. ” Everything’s going to be OK. You are brave, as brave as any other person who faces a cruel disease. You put one foot in front of the other when you are able, and when you cannot move or when you hurt yourself, remember this hug and remember that I will think of you now that I know” Perhaps you will think of me occasionally and leave a hug for me, in our club of all clubs… A hug that we can call upon and imagine. A virtual hug.

    Maybe one day, I will be brave enough to wear that silver ribbon you dream of. Until then… A hug :-) Brigid

  409. you are so fucking brave. that took a lot of balls

  410. i love you so much. just so, so much. inexpressibly much.

  411. 415
    Selina Jones

    I’ve been all the way to the deep dark bottom where death is the only consolation and all the way the bright shiny top, and every day I wake up pleased I won the battle. You already know the most important thing: depression is your brain lying to you. Question what it tells you, yell the truth back at it until it believes. You would not be as mean to a smelly drunk pervert in the street as you are to yourself during depression. Know that, and be kind to yourself. Embrace your imperfections, adore your special skills, celebrate the win, develop your immunity. Thank you for posting this.

  412. Jen, thank you for sharing, we all have our demons! You are stronger than you know….

    Much Luck!

    Miriam
    http://www.365daysofdivorce.com

  413. Warrior. Strong and fierce. Brave. Thank you for sharing.

  414. 418
    Franca Bollo

    Yes.

  415. Beautiful. Heart wrenching. Bleak. Encouraging. Brave.

    You probably don’t need just another comment from someone you don’t even know, but here goes anyway. I too struggle with depression, though am fortunate enough not to deal with anxiety and self-harm on top of it. My heart goes out to you – you’re the reason I was able to “come out” on my blog about my depression. Big hugs and much love. And a smiling tightrope walker ;-)

    The M Half recently posted 2011 in Review.

  416. I am so happy to have your blog as a bright spot in my life. You have given me some of the only giggles I have had in the past year. I struggle with depression and anxiety. I am glad that you have the wonderful support system that you do. I just wish my husband and mother were even slightly supportive or understanding.

  417. Oh jenny.

    I was a cutter, and I have never been ashamed to admit that I miss it. I stopped because it was time, but I find other ways to do it (like, I slice my cuticles off with razor blades, etc) that I can get away with because it was the only thing that ever made me feel sane.

    That is to say, I understand. ::fistbump::

    Mr Lady recently posted A Gift Guide, Of Sorts.

  418. I read your posts all the time…and post them for my friends (all the time) and revisit them for laughs on a bad day (all the time)….but never tell you so. So…here I am, telling you so…You brighten my day and the day of many others with a laugh and a “I am normal, not SO crazy” moment.

    I am not sure if you will have the chance to read all these amazing, supportive comments posted so far…but I am going to add to them anyways (in case, one day in the future, you do go back to read these.)

    YOU ROCK…for your humor and your creative perspective on life (that all of us experience but cannot articulate) and your HONESTY! We all have stories of people judging us for our oddities ( thus labeled as mental illness by men and their families, esp. during divorce proceedings)….but few of us have had the ability to say. “YEAH, YEAH, so what? I struggle and it is OK…. jump in and struggle with me and let us rejoice on the other side of this!” I applaud you and hope that this is the start of a movement and a solidarity amongst all of us women. Heck, menopause makes us depressed and unpredictable…so does child bearing….so does stress…. you are NOT alone! You are just a voice…a brave voice….

    Thank you!!!

  419. I love it when you said you are the same person and we are the same. It’s so true but so many forget it. Nothing has to change and you are funny as hell.

  420. I don’t have much to add that hasn’t been said but it bears repeating. You have people in your life who love for you and care for you. You have readers who appreciate your talents and your writing who feel a strong connection to you. You feel like one of our friends that we just don’t get to see very often but are thrilled when you write. You have the courage not only to be furiously happy and also to shine a light in the dark places that people would rather stay dim.

    Thank you for writing this post. Depression is a disease and like any other and discussing its symptoms should not be taboo. I am glad that you are safe and are finding treatments that are helping. You are not just surviving, you are learning, preparing, and moving forward. You will stumble from time to time but you will always find a way to get up and keep pushing forward because you are Jenny.

  421. (whisper) Thanks. And Kudos.

  422. Thank you for sharing with us.

  423. Keep fighting, Jenny. You will kick depression’s ass.

    There was a time when I was going through a lot of dark things that I felt I couldn’t talk about with anyone. I used to self-harm. A lot. Somehow it made it easier to cope with everything. I don’t remember how or why I stopped, but eventually I got past the cutting. Every once in awhile, even though it’s been a decade since I last hurt myself, I feel myself being drawn back to that place. So far I’ve been able to resist every time. Thank you for making me feel that I have permission to be proud of that.

    Stacey recently posted The Guest Room.

  424. As a seventeen year old who has dealt with severe cases of anxiety and depression, this means a lot to me. Fortunately I have a teacher who understood (understands) and helped me come to terms and get help. The mental illness stigma is still out there but by being open about it, like you are, it will shrink. I’m certainly going to try.

  425. This is so amazing and inspiring. All good thoughts to you, and thank you. Depression is the unsung adversary; so prevalent, and so widely dismissed. And so wretchedly difficult to fight head on.

  426. I think you are awesome for posting this. From someone who has experienced it from both sides, I appreciate you standing up and posting. Thank you and rock on.

  427. This was just what I needed to hear at just the right time.

    I’ve been battling severe depression and anxiety for most of my adult life. It comes and it goes, as you know, but my latest bout is a big one. A big ugly one. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope, and I can’t hold on much longer. But if you can, Jenny, then I can.

  428. wow. unbelievable. If anyone judges you then they are asses.

    So happy you are improving. You have a right to be proud. Anxiety sucks:)

  429. Thank you for articulating your struggle. You give me courage and hope.

  430. I will admit this is my first visit to your blog but I just wanted to say thank you from one survivor to another that was one of the best things I’ve read in months and put a lot of things in perspective, I’m going through a similar regression at the moment and everyday I am reminded of how while I lie in my bed with my head under the pillow the world still goes on around me and the responsibilities continue to pile up, which incidently just makes the anxiety worse, so when you spoke of the lack of celebration from coworkers and those around you when you come out the otherside it really spoke to me, thank you.

  431. Jenny,
    Kick Ass, Take names!! Depression sucks, so kick it to the curb. You are an awesome inspiration to the rest of us, so keep it up.

    Sean

  432. Thank you for sharing a remarkable, and remarkably brave, blog post.

    I have often said that there is no greater way to guarantee our unhappiness than by attempting to live our life by someone else’s definition of happiness — especially the socially accepted definitions of happiness, which often look down on those of us, myself included, who struggle against depression.

    The greatest challenge often lies in attempting to live up to our own definition of happiness. We are often truly our own worst enemy, our own source of seemingly perpetual darkness, which can make it so frustratingly difficult for our loved ones who want so desperately to help us.

    However, we are also capable of being our greatest ally, of being our own source of light illuminating the darkness and chasing our personal demons back into the shadows, especially when we, as you so wonderfully embody, summon the strength to fight.

    As human beings, we are defined more by our strengths than by our weaknesses. Know that even at your weakest, you are still stronger than most people — especially those who do not understand how fortunate they are for never personally experiencing the battlefield of depression.

    Be proud of yourself. Know that even strangers, such as myself, are proud of you for exemplifying the strength that the world should admire and applaud. I admire and applaud you.

    Best Regards,

    Jim

  433. I remember coming out of my last depression, as I left a job that was bad for me, and looking back on that time, wishing that they had had the chance to know the “real” me. The undepressed me. But I also remember the elation of feeling better, having energy, feeling the love for my family in a deeper way because they had stood beside me and because I now could feel something other than my own sadness. You are brave to share your struggles with all of us. I believe it truly helps with the stigma and those who are struggling themselves all while helping you, the one who shared, to continue in recovery. Thank you and Godspeed.

  434. Jenny, you are awesome to me.

    “It’s okay. You’re still the same person to me.”

    Absolutely. I’ve struggled on and off with depression, both post-partum triggered and not, and it SUCKS!!!! BIG TIME!!! I hope so much you are coming out of your tunnel of despair and that 2012 proves to be a year where that suck-arse Dementor of depression doesn’t touch you.

    *HUGE HUGS*

  435. I love you, always have, would never judge you, applaud your desire and motive to heal, cheer your successes, weep with you in struggle…and

    I’m proud of you.

    Speak it, friend. There are those who are d.y.i.n.g. to hear these words.

    xo

    Robin ~ PENSIEVE recently posted The Big Tease continues ~ Clue #2.

  436. It’s okay. You’re still the same person to me.
    Well, even though I have never met you in real life and just like your blog a whole lot.
    I suffer from the demons too, sometimes. Thanks for talking about it. Sometimes people look at me funny when I openly admit I am taking an SSRI.

  437. 442
    girliefrank

    As someone who also travels the darkest path in the forest, I thank you for sharing your battles. I didn’t think it was possible, but you are even more amazing than I originally thought. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We really aren’t alone are we?

  438. Thank you. Thank you from my scarred arms and heart. Thank you from the bottom of my insecurity-riddled soul. And most of all, thank you from the center of the mental shitstorm that is trying so hard to practice what it preaches and not be ashamed. Thank. You.

    CCW recently posted Well. Thank You, Captain Obvious..

  439. Thank you. There is such power in naming these feelings and experiences–when we name them, we take away a bit of their power. When we name them, especially in a public space, we let one another know that we’re not struggling alone. Thank you for naming your struggle–in all of its faces. Sending warmth and admiration for your courage!

    ~Ann

    Ann Becker-Schutte recently posted Mid-Week Balance: 28 December 2011.

  440. 445
    Dawnfelice

    I am awed by your bravery. You were there for me on a day (during Christmas) when I wasn’t sure I was going to make it out of the dark hole I was in. My depression has been in remission for many years – but has reared it’s ugly head again, I am sure for a variety of reasons – including the fact that I am finally starting to feel safe (I have actually BEEN safe for 12 years – but haven’t FELT safe) in my life (long story).

    I am so blessed by this post – and want to share with you that I recently (just last week) finally told my husband of 11 years that I used to self-harm, have been in remission for about 5 years and that I was feeling to urge to do so again. I too am safe, but just being HONEST is really hard, and really cathartic and healing.

    My daughter is 5. She is my sixth child (5 boys, obviously LOL) and she is my greatest hope for true recovery. FIGHT ON – I am designing up and ordering some tshirts with silver ribbons right now. Love – DW

  441. I am still trying to regulate my medication to get my migraines, depression and anxiety all under control. Seeing you overcome gives me hope that I will as well. I have had a breakthrough in the past few days and may have found the proper migraine preventative, then I can work on the depression and anxiety. In the meantime, my scars are on my face, I can’t stop picking at it… my own form of self-mutilation I suppose.

    If anyone is interested, this is a blog post I wrote at the end of August when I finally realized I was battling depression again: http://snarkysillysad.wordpress.com/2011/08/31/my-old-nemesis-we-meet-again/
    I posted a link to this on my Facebook and was pleasantly surprised by the encouragement and “I’ve been there too” comments I received.

    Michelle recently posted My Car Inspection Saga.

  442. I so admire your courage, Jenny. Don’t ever stop fighting. People I love fight this fight too, and sometimes it’s hard to watch, but I can’t imagine life if they (and you) stopped fighting. Your words and your bravery in telling your story makes such a huge difference for people. Thank you for that.

    Lisa recently posted Avoidance.

  443. You are my hero.

  444. I started reading your blog because you sounded like the kind of person I’d be friends with in real life. A little goofy, a lot hilarious, and just a bit askew – in other words, someone I had quite a few things in common with. And this post is just one more thing I have in common with you. I’ve engaged in self-harm, and I struggle with depression. And neither you nor I are alone.

    Thank you, thank you for posting this.

  445. I can relate to your battles, for mine are similar. Sometimes when I read your posts about your depression, I think we could be twins except that you have a big metal chicken and I have quasi-domesticated squirrels that are worse than cats when it comes to wanting their breakfast.

    Sometimes I find it overwhelming to be a mom with depression. Other times, it’s a blessing because motherhood forces me to get up and put one foot in front of the other until I’ve done what needs to get done and then I can go back to bed. Depression without motherhood was far worse because I didn’t fight, I just hid.

    Like others who have posted here, you have grown taller in my eyes for your honesty. I’ve been struggling a lot these past months and while it doesn’t seem like I’m winning, I’m not losing. Your honesty tonight reminded me that I am winning because I am here and I fight. Thank you.

    PS. The silver ribbon should be glittery. Glitter is more celebratory.

  446. I wish I could be this openly honest about how my mental illnesses affect my life. But I am afraid. Thank you for being honest in such a public place in ways that I cannot be.

    Katie recently posted Long Time, No See.

  447. As a fellow depression sufferer, I am so proud of you. One, for hanging in there as you got to the other side, and two, being willing to talk about your fight with self harm. I’m going to print out and hang up you declaration of survival where I can see in the mornings as I start the day to remind me that I am a survivor and be proud of it, like you. Hand clasp.

  448. 453
    Susan Crippin

    I have battled depression since I was 13. You speak such beautiful and frightening truth about this disease. I am forever grateful for your words.

  449. I too self-harm in the form of alcoholism and bulimia, which has plagued me to varying degrees for the better part of twenty years. Although I have been sober for several years now, the eating disorder still rears its ugly head in times of trouble. I have good days and bad days but for the most part the good outweigh the bad and I no longer seek perfection, but simply progress. We have a saying in AA: “You are only as sick as your secrets”; the more we can start being honest with ourselves and others, the more we will learn to respect the person we see in the mirror, and THAT is the greatest enemy of depression and addiction. . .self-worth. I’ve often said that “damaged” people are generally the funniest ad most appreciative people in the world and you are evidence of that. Like my wise Mama always said: “Honey, I don’t trust someone who doesn’t have ‘baggage’; it shows that they haven’t travelled.”

    Jen recently posted Daddy Mac Will Make You 'JUMP! JUMP!'.

  450. You’re one of the bravest people I know. Thank you for sharing this with us. Thank you for being you, flaws and all. xox

  451. You make me laugh so often, and then you make me cry with things like this. They’re good tears, of joy, or sympathy, or relief, but yes, you make me cry hard when you do. And I find myself wanting more and more to make a pilgrimage to Wherever, TX, to see you and bring you cookies and bake you a pie and blend some margaritas while Victor and my husband go off to shake their heads in commiseration over their crazy wives. So, if you don’t mind having a totally non-threatening, not-intending-to-be-creepy stalker just drop in one day, do let me know. You frequently make my day, I’d like to reciprocate any way I can.

  452. I love you Jenny (as do we all) when you are not funny as well as when you are. We don’t just love the comic relief, we love the person inside. We all have things that we don’t like about ourselves, I too, suffer from anxiety sometimes though it is better than it used to be. Maybe now after posting this after a month you will see that posting it (if there is a next time) after a day or two feels okay too. We’re all here to support each other, just like the support group I am in for auto-immune diseases and Fibromyalgia. There is a lot going on in your life now and more in the future so be careful of triggers, it doesn’t have to be bad things it could be great things like your book…..we will all protect you with our love and admiration and our friendship. You won’t be alone, we will be there with you in spirit and love offering xanax and support whenever you want it. Love you, Laurie F.

    Laurie F. recently posted Mellow Yellow Monday.

  453. This is amazing. My mother dealt with depression. You are so brave and continue to amaze me. Keep fighting! Also, I totally adore that Regina Spektor song!

    John B recently posted my only wish this Christmas.

  454. I have been that person in a ocean of darkness. I have found some light. Thank God for light.

    Kat recently posted New Year, New Challenges.

  455. It’s okay.

    With love from a sister survivor.

  456. I suffer from a very mild form of depression. I can’t imagine feeling any worse and I’m glad I haven’t gone to any deeper stages. So, I may not suffer as you do, but I just wanted to say: You are not alone and I love you.

    You make me smile every day. That is a gift. A goddamned GIFT. Now go out there and find some taxidermied horrorfest so you can be furiously happy, Victor can be terribly annoyed, your neighbors can be incredibly off-put, and so I can laugh my ass off.

    You make my life brighter. Never stop shining.

  457. Fight. On. Fight for yourself. You matter. To readers, yes but to your family. Fight for yourself so you can show your daughter how. Fight.

  458. 463
    fdhbstephanie

    Many of us know where you’re coming from having been there (probably doesn’t make it any easier for you, however). Lots of gentle hugs and love – I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts.

  459. Oh, honey. I love you so much, and I know the place you’re talking about. Because I’ve lived there all. My. Freaking. Life.
    I’m depressive by nature, and December just takes it all to a downward spiral that sometimes I can’t see the end of. December is the month I nursed my great-grandmother until she passed away- the official diagnosis was a bad reaction to a flu shot. December is the same month (10 years later) that I nursed my dad as well, until cancer took him on the 30th. So, December really sucks for me.

    But, no matter what, I love ya, honey, even though we’ve never met, and you wouldn’t know me if we came across each other on the street (although I’d like to believe I’d recognize you, what with your picture all over the place), and it kind of doesn’t matter. Because some things, the deep, big things that people have in common, go past that whole “I’ve known so & so my whole life” thing.

    No matter what, every day that you’re here, count it a victory. And it’s not a victory you have to celebrate alone- I know myself, and I’m sure others, consider every day you’re with us, safe and sound, as a victory.

    Love and prayers, and my sincerest hope that 2012 if the best year of your (and your family’s) life.

  460. Be furiously proud that you recognize the disease for what it is and seek treatment rather than become a victim. And bless you for talking about it so others might do the same

  461. Brava, my lady. Brava! You deserve an award of some kind. Perhaps a large metal bird of some kind. It’s one thing to share your life with the world via a blog, but it’s goes beyond bravery to share your pain with that world. I don’t know if there is anyone in my life that suffers from depression, but I will do my damndest to be understanding should I find out there is. You deserve unlimited hugs and chocolate.

  462. I had 2 boutsof depression after my miscarriages. I also have 2 handsome young men now. My 17 yo suffers from depression, bipolar and seasonal disorders. He has rages and lows. its scary and has causes me to have some depression issues again. our family fights this every day. We know that with with prayer and lots of medical help we can make it through! prayers to you for your conti ied fight and lots of love for letting others be aware of it. im not able to voice my life except to my husband, Mom and a very good friend. HUGS!

  463. You are good people Jenny

  464. you bring so much laughter and light to so many….let us bring some to you. You are brave. You are strong.
    Thank you for sharing.

    When you walk into the edge of those
    dark and lonely woods, and when I ask how was your day
    and you answer not so good,
    and when nothing seems to be working out,
    quite the way it should; I will shine the light.
    When the skies up above you fill,
    with grey and stormy clouds.
    And there’s not a single face you know,
    in the maddening crowd.
    When you know that you don’t make your way
    but you just can’t see how. I will hold you in my arms,
    until everything’s alright.
    When your worries, they won’t let you sleep,
    and rob you of your days..
    And you’ve looked in all directions but you
    still can’t find your way.
    When you just need someone to remind you that it’s
    all gonna be ok, I will shine the light.
    When you’re staring down your demons,
    weighing in your darkest night,
    I will shine the light.
    Sometimes we jump into the great unknown.
    Sorrows we all will have to walk alone.
    Waiting there in the end, is a heart that calls you a friend.
    That’s me, clapping the loudest, welcoming you home.
    So when your heart is heavy, like a stone,
    from carrying its load,
    and you look into the mirror and see someone you don’t know
    When the shadows are closing in on you like a hand around your throat,
    I will shine the light.
    When you’ve given into your fears,
    when you’ve lost your will to fight,
    let me know what I can do,
    let me try to make it right.
    I will shine the light.

  465. You are, as always, if not more – yes, MORE – amazing.

  466. I am crying as I type this because I understand all to well what you are going through. It is hard, but I know that you can do it. It has been about 4 1/2 years since I last self-harmed. I think about it all the time. Suffer with the urge to self-harm. I fight it. There are days when all I can do is lay in bed and breathe. Those are the days that I cling to hope. You will get through this. I have faith in you. As someone who suffers from depression and use to self-harm, I know that you can do this. Love love love.

    Heather recently posted As 2011 comes to an end.

  467. 472
    Cheryl Poole-Musgrove

    The funniest people I know suffer deeply that’s why they can convey what’s true and beautifully so.

  468. Jesus Jennie! I’ve read about your battle with depression but did not realize how badly that little bastard had taken hold of you at times. (I also suffer, but more from anxiety and I call it names, like Bastard, because it feels like a living thing sometimes that is trying to break me)
    Thank you for being so brutally honest. Does it change how I think of you? YES! You are way more awesome than I had already thought (and trust me, I think you are pretty damn awesome so that is a difficult feat) because you are not only the talented ,witty lady I have come to love through your blog, you are a survivor…a warrior….a badass chick all in silver (not just a ribbon)kicking depression back to the hell it came from and letting the light and laughter shine in…for all of us. Hope you take it the way I intend it when I say, “Great post, Bloggess. REALLY. GREAT.”

    Joanna Reidy recently posted A little Wisdom and Whine....

  469. Go Jenny! You work hard every day to brighten the lives of others and I hope I can help give that back to you in my support, you are so loved and I support you 1000%!

  470. There are days when I think I can’t imagine being this sad for a minute longer – like it will drown me or suffocate me and I won’t be able to take another breath. But I breathe in and I breathe out and I look at my kids and I keep going. I have tears in my eyes as I read all the comments and am thankful that there are people who understand depression. It is a part of me and has been for twenty years, but it isn’t me and it isn’t you. Thank you so much for the wonderful post and I wish you healing and wellness.

  471. I completely empathize, which may or may not be unfortunate. For months, the few moments when I’ve smiled, hasn’t been so much that I was happy again, but that I forgot for a moment I was depressed. It comes back swooping in worse than it was 10 minutes before, as some sort of punishment for forgetting. I’m in my 30′s and have cigarette burns on my arms. Part of me realizes how ridiculous, melodramatic, and immature this is. The other part feels better. When I forget to cover the healing scars, I lie about them. To the people who I can’t lie to, I say “don’t ask, so I don’t have to lie”, with a look, they let it go. My friends are making comments that perhaps, being “committed” for a few days might not be a bad idea. But I’m so far behind, that I can’t even consider that possibility. Just doubled my meds a couple weeks ago. Hoping that helps. At least in the meantime, I haven’t wanted to jump off bridges, run my car into walls, so that is an improvement. Writing this brings the ever-present under the surface tears to my eyes. Thank you for being open and honest. It helps.

  472. Just when I thought you couldn’t get any more spectacular…

  473. What a brave and honest post. Thanks for writing it.

    I don’t like to talk about my depression much, because of the shame factor of it all. As well as well-meant but inane comments from other people along the lines of “get over it” that end up making me feel even worse.

    The only people who seem to understand depression are those who have experienced it firsthand…but since that’s 50% of the population, you would think there would be better knowledge and acceptance out there. But depressed people are still being fobbed off with cheery, dimwitted platitudes.

    Hearing the truth is refreshing.

  474. This made me cry.. and smile and cry some more. My husband is battling crippling depression and has been in “inpatient” for almost 2 years because he has bouts of suicidal tendencies and self-harmed constantly. New medications for his PTSD and depression have showed some promise, but it is a battle for my family every day against demons that I will never be able to fully understand and that many never try to understand at all. Thank you for sharing this, for letting your demons be seen by the rest of us and for not giving up. The thing you can do for your family that my husband wasn’t able to do for us, was when you are not lost in the darkness, try and find the ways that things they do can help. It has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do to watch him battle and not even know if what I was doing was helping or harming. Be strong, be proud and celebrate your victory. I often compare depression to cancer…
    Except… people understand cancer.

  475. Thank you.

  476. You are a heroine, a survivor, an amazing person. Thank you for putting voice to that which so many of us fight against every day. Like you, I’m lucky to have a wonderful support system. Bless you.

  477. Thanks for sharing and helping dissipate some of the stigma associated with depression. I feel fortunate that my depression is fairly mildly and pretty well controlled by small doses of medicine with few side effects. But it’s not something I tell a lot of people about.

  478. Sending much love and understanding your way. Your honesty has often been a great encouragement to me. <3

  479. You share with us something that is amazing. Being in that place is hard. I know is dark and ugly and you don’t feel like there is away out. I have been there I have friends that have been there and are still there. Depression doesn’t play fair, people often don’t understand it. I wish that you didn’t have to suffer with it but you are for so many people giving deression a face, on that they can relate to. That fact is incredably brave, far braver that I could be. I know when you are in the dark ugly placed depression takes you being brave isnt much comfort but you are helping a lot of people just by existing.

  480. You are so brave and strong and have support all over the place. Kudos to you for your courage.

    Stephanie recently posted Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man.

  481. Wow… exactly what I needed today… I’m still clinging to the couch trying to hang on… the website link is to my story… I was honest… almost a year ago…. I too love you more for this

    Kerry recently posted Mr Amazing, Smallest, Small, Tall, Tiny and Me.

  482. I myself have had battled with bouts of depression. I realize now that I am an adult that I went through a lot of high school and was depressed. First really effected me when I had my first son. I have been on medication on and off when it gets really bad. My family and friends are the best though and have come to learn more about my depression and what they can do to help me. I have never wanted to hurt myself but have wanted to hurt my husband and others. Never my kids (thank goodness)

    I shared your post on FB and encourage others to share it with their story or just their hope to pass it on. I think depression is something people hide or think is wrong with them. It’s serious and until we get the education out there people will deal with it silently. There is no reason anyone should suffer.

  483. You make me proud to be a human. I wish you could really know how wonderful you are and what you mean to all of us. Keep up the fight and keep telling us about it.

  484. Having just spent the afternoon curled up on the couch after a ‘bad-brain-chemistry’ morning, I can’t thank you enough for your honesty and your bravery. You’re the same Bloggess that makes us laugh till our sides hurt but that same coin from which humor shines often has a flip side most people don’t ask about and we tend to keep it hidden.

    Silver ribbons are a wonderful idea. People will ask, not sure what they are for and members of this dogged band of survivors will explain our badge of endurance and courage and pass it on to those whose eyes show they know exactly what we’re talking about.

    Thank you for sharing your fight. We’re right there with you.

    Cris recently posted My New Years Story.

  485. Jenny, I am proud of you for writing and posting this. I have been an admirer of yours ever since I came across your work in February of 2009. You are a special person; you’ve made a difference in people’s lives; you’ve given us smiles, thoughts, and an occasional tear. I’m going to speak for all of your readers, fans and followers when I tell you that we’re here for you, we’ll support you as best we can, and that we’re looking forward to your adventures for years to come. – Josh

  486. Thank you so much for sharing this. Xoxo

  487. It’s okay. You’re still the same person to me.
    Thank you for being brave enough to post this. You are a remarkable woman.

  488. Jenny, thank you so much for being brave enough to share this. I just sent this link to everyone I know who has struggled with depression. Thank you. <3

  489. The fact that you posted this shows how strong you are. You have helped a lot of people with these words. Hang in there.

  490. 495
    Allison Roesberry

    You are so full is awesome, chickie. I sit in awe. Thank you for being courageous enough to hit the “post” button on that. My 16 year-old struggles with the same demon. Gonna point her your way so she knows she’s not alone.

  491. I cannot possibly thank you enough for sharing this. I have systemic disease like you do (not RA, something different) and have also suffered in silence with OCD…until now. I recently read a book by Marc Summers called “Everything In Its Place”, and it opened my eyes to what the condition really is instead of what the general public shuns or jokes about. It taught me more about myself than I can express, and I have been trying to blog about it but have not had the courage to put it out there yet. I’m not one to talk about “signs”, but I think this is a pretty strong one that I should be brave and move forward with telling my story. I’m going to do it. Thank you, Jenny. With your incredible presence in cyberspace, what you have done today will make a true impact on God only knows how many people out there. You are a hero for this, and I thank you.

  492. What I do is, I go to my karate club and get the blue shit kicked out of me. Or I kick the blue shit out of somebody else. Doesn’t matter which. The high lasts for days. I tried Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil, even Effexor, Strattera, and Adderall. Aderall ROCKS! by the way, but it doesn’t do sh!t for depression. I even talked a doctor into giving me Pamelor which can actually kill you if you don’t take it right. It didn’t work. I threw it out. Only actual violence works for me. And it’s only legal in a club where you are all mutually committed to not killing each other.

    I love you, Jenny.

    I mean that.

    Fred Miller recently posted Mitt Romney’s Religion.

  493. I would absolutely wear a silver ribbon. I have a barely controlled anxiety disorder — not severe, but present. (And almost no one in my life knows about it.) I will never understand why physical ills are laudable but mental illness is shunned. I admire you as a wonderful writer and soldier in the struggle. Congratulations for coming through the dark, yet again.

  494. I am incredibly proud of you. Not only are you still the same person, you are more authentically her. A few years ago I did a blogathon, one entry every 30 minutes for 24 hours, about my struggles with mental health. It was hard and scary, but it made every day after that easier to bear, because I wasn’t hiding anymore.

    Love to you. Sing your song with every breath you can put into it. We’ll sing ours too, so we can all hear each other, be a voice for anyone having a darker time.

    Renee Rigdon recently posted Something vague and something new.

  495. I used to self-harm. Like you it was never life threatening, but that didn’t make it any less real or any easier for me and my family to deal with. I was younger, and it scared the heck out of my mother. But through a lot of hard work, a lot of time, a lot of crying, and some professional help I was able to overcome it. It still scares the crap out of my mother over 10 years later. I can hear it in her voice anytime I am upset. And she is right to feel that way. Because although its been more than 10 years since the last time I hurt myself, sometimes when the hurt is so bad inside it seems like to only way to make it go away. But like depression, that desire is a lying bastard. And it’s not the only way. And I know that now. So thank you for reminding me why I fight this every day and know, from one sufferer to another, it is possible and you are strong enough.

    Congratulations on making it this far. It is an accomplishment to be celebrated.

  496. Thank You. I don’t struggle with this but my husband has bipolar and anxiety disorder. I’ve struggled for years to try and understand him and although he’s usually better at expressing himself than I am this is one of the places where he just can’t communicate the things he’s feeling to me or what he needs from me. This post has helped put a piece in that puzzle thank you a billion times over. Thank you for being so damn awesome.

  497. The most wonderful I’ve read since the Internet was invented. I’ve been hospitalized four times with depression and the ONLY thing that got me through it was knowing how much it would hurt other people if I left them. You can’t build health on that, but it can keep you out of the grave. Make connections, tell the truth, learn what works for you – my last hospitalization was in 2006 and the things I learned during my dark years help me survive every day. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  498. Someone in the comments above had the perfect way of saying what I wanted to…you are indeed balls to the wall awesome. Thank you for writing this, it’s nice to know there are so many people who understand & support each other, to balance out the people who don’t know or don’t care. I read in one of the comments about a mom concerned for her daughter, & I was hopeful that my experiences and lack of support are on the way out. When I was 13 I started cutting & when my mother walked in on me once, mocked me & told me I was a weak, pathetic kid & “go on” cutting. Idk why I just shared that…sorry. But you make me proud and thankful and happy. Nothing you ever write could make me feel any different about you (even if you murdered someone). Sending giant virtual hugs that will leap out of your screen to smother you with love.

  499. Yesterday you were someone I wish were my friend. Today you are my hero.

    Thank you for posting this. I have had chronic depression for as long as I can remember, but have only been treated for it for the last 20 years (I’m almost 40). Thank you for being brave enough to post this and thank you for calling those of us who deal with depression and anxiety “survivors.” you just gave me great inspiration for Twenty Twelve. :D

  500. It’s been three days since I realized that the empty place in the middle of my chest had been refilled and there was light in the world again. I’m going to have scars from this episode, it was the worst in years. This post is amazing. I’m glad you’re feeling better, too.

    This is my strange battle cry: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eR7-AUmiNcA&ob=av2e

  501. I understand and have gone through that, too. I’d like to say that I’ll meet you someday, and show you my faded scars, but I’ll probably just say “nice to meetcha.”

    The scars have faded to the point where you can barely see most of them, but I had runes up one leg and there used to be some paisley swirls on the other. I was a cutter, but never a slasher. I did it during 2 periods in my life. I didn’t get any outside help. I just stopped feeling that bad.

  502. Depression doesn’t run in my family, it gallops. So I understand where you are and where you’ve been. I celebrate your success, your strength, your honesty, your bravery. I wish you health and comfort. And I thank you from the depths of my soul for putting this out there where others will read it and maybe, just maybe, understand.

  503. Every time I think I cannot like you more, you prove that I can.

  504. thank you for talking about your own struggle with depression and self harm. I am in awe of your willingness to talk openly of such a personal nature. I respect your authenticity and applaud your tenacity. Rock on girl!!

  505. <> You are amazing, you are strong, and you can do this (and I’m quite sure anything else you want/need to do). Thank you for sharing so much of yourself – the laughter and the pain. You are an inspiration, and you are loved! Sending positive thoughts your way!

  506. Thank you for having the courage to share this with us. In my eyes, it makes you even more admirable and completely deserving of the pedestal I’ve placed you on.

  507. Just look around you pretty lady and when you are feeling better, soak up all the positive thoughts, notes and words of encouragement that you can. And armed with your tools, knowing it can be and wanting it to be better are both possible.

  508. Bless you and thank you. And bless you and thank you.

    Knighton recently posted Baptist Wine Club Interviews: Chookooloonks.

  509. Jennifer, this is your best post to date. You may be the hysterical, quirky, ridiculous and amazing writer who makes people smile and laugh, but you are a real person who needs to lean on people at times. After fighting depression after my son’s birth, I understood for the first time what it must have felt like to be Andrea Yates or to want to die or what it really meant to feel that the physical pain of jumping off of my balcony may feel better than the mental anguish I was going through. Thankfully, I too had a wonderful support system and they did exactly what you talked about – picked up the pieces of my life while stopping their own. Great, great share.

    Dani recently posted Use coupon code NEWYEAR for 15% off your entire order through 12/31.

  510. Hang in there. You are a stronger soul than you give yourself credit for. I thank you for sharing and I salute you for your bravery *hugs*

    Eli recently posted New Year's Resolutions.

  511. I suffer from Depression and I too feel that pain that you talk about here. I have ran out of my meds and my family has turned thier back on me calling me “too dramatic” so who do I turn too? I dont tell most ppl about my depression in fear that the will run from me and call me crazy. I am not crazy I am sad. I cry all the time when I am not sleeping. I have no desire t6o do anything. Being without a job makes it that much worse, no car, barely making it where I am. cant find anyone to lean on to be there as a friend or anything for me….. where do you turn when you have nothing? I fear this depression and hate that I am back there again……

  512. Depression is, indeed, a lying bastard, and it is so, so tiring to fight him. The honesty and courage of this post will put you that much farther ahead in shoving him back down where he belongs, and will undoubtedly help a few others in their path to healing. Wishing you continued healing!

  513. Thank you very much for your bravery and honesty. Like so many others, I know this battle well. Too often we feel the need to hide our milestones least anyone discover our darkest secrets. Coming into the light and taking pride in our ability to carry on through the struggles…that is what it means to begin to heal. Keep healing, keep sharing, keep strong.

  514. I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes at how bravely and eloquently you said what I feel too. I have bipolar disorder along with an anxiety disorder. Despite working two jobs, I have no insurance. No insurance means no drugs to help fight, and the fight is so incredibly hard without the drugs to help you. Thank you. Thank you for being the voice in the night that screams out our pain. Thank you for being brave and fighting. Most of all though, thank you for being you: honest, caring, witty, and brave. My world is not right, but I fight along side of you every day (and especially in those cold, dark, and lonely hours of the night) for it to get better.

  515. I self-harm too. As a teenager I was part of an online group of mental illness sufferers. A lot of us self-injured. It was… not normal, but maybe accepted, in that circle. We all, or almost all, did it. Some of us severely. Some of us lightly. Some of us daily. Some of us rarely. We worked through it together, we recovered and backslid and despaired and joyed together.

    Now I’m a grown-up with a kid and everyone I knew then is better. Everyone moved past it, there was some collective decision to grow up and get better and be amazing. I didn’t. I don’t know how to keep this secret, really. I don’t even self-injure all that often anymore, but when I do it’s ugly and hard to cover for. I can’t talk about it anymore. It’s somehow more shameful, more wrong when you’re an adult. When you have a child. When you mostly have your shit together, even if said shit is tenuous and cobbled together. I find it hard to say, when saying used to be what kept me from hurting, sometimes.

    I don’t know what to put here. I want to say I’m sorry you’re going through this, but… I’m not, exactly. I’m sorry you’re in pain, I’m sorry you go through the things that lead to this, but I’m also kind of glad that you’ve found a way to cope with it. Even this way. Any way. I want to be able to say thank you for writing this, but… that’s not it either? Not really. I don’t want this to be a favor you did. I don’t want it to be a service performed. Thank you isn’t really right.

    You are not alone in this — that comes closest to what I feel, reading this, but really what I mean is I am not alone, reading this. I guess I just hope it helps either of us, knowing that goes both ways. I hope it does something for you to know that I am out there, like it did something for me to read this and know you are out there too.

  516. I am crying and smiling at the same time. I also second the “you are balls to the wall awesome” comment, since just being able to post this shows just how strong you really are. You may feel weak or in darkness sometimes, but you are fighting and you will win – you are not a survivor, but a fierce, conquering warrior.

    When I hit my worst period (aka the year of suck) dealing with depression, anxiety, and maybe a little bit of PTSD, I rented a lot of documentaries about men and women in the military–I guess I was looking for examples of strength because I really felt like I was running on empty in that department. Anyway, a Navy SEAL documentary really clarified things for me (yes, I know it’s weird, lol). Every heartbeat, every second, every minute, every hour, every breath, every footstep, every anything that shows we are still moving ahead is a victory. I realized that if I am alive and fighting, I am already victorious. If I take a misstep (or even many), I can correct myself and continue to move forward. Damn it, we are all so strong and we can do anything!

    All fist-pumping aside, I know how hard it can be to put the next foot forward some days. I hope you find your clarity (even if it doesn’t come from watching very attractive men run around in tight tee-shirts…mmmm, yum), and that everything clicks into place. I still fight the good fight, but now even when I’m facing my own darkness I know (even if it’s a quiet voice in the back of my mind sometimes) that I’ll always come out the winner – and you will win your battles, too. I know you will. Many hugs.

  517. Thank you for that post. I understand how hard it must have been to write. Hang in there. You are a survivor. And there are many, many more of us out there.

    Milaka recently posted Jolly Biscuit Ring Saga 2011/2012.

  518. Greetings, Goddess…

    This, paired with your birthday entry…brilliance. Just simply brillinace. Thank you for your transparency. I bow deeply to the Goddess within you. Prevailing means anywhere in between barely hanging in there and thriving…and the whole range in between…

    And just so you know, the only jewelry I wear is SILVER. And I wear alot of it. Alot.

    Prevail~Tattoo GIrl (Sending Goddess blessings, Love, Light, Magick, and Spirit flowing strongly your way)

    Tattoo Girl recently posted First Bird.

  519. 524
    Christopher

    I Love You!!

  520. Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this. Many of us have demons that we battle and I applaud you for being able to talk about yours. My husband is bipolar and schizoaffective. I never talk about it on my blog. I’m too afraid. When you open your life up like that you become vulnerable, and I need to be strong…so I don’t talk about it. It’s a devastating disorder, not only to him, but to the family who has to sit behind him on this roller coaster with no control.

    Being able to read your struggle, helps me know that none of us are alone. Again…thank you.

    Zippy Sandler recently posted Fashion inspiration from everyday items #JBDstylechallenge.

  521. YOU.ARE.AMAZING. Thank you for sharing this. And congratulations on surviving, on beating this disorder back one more time, on making yourself better – for yourself and for your daughter.

  522. This is a truly exceptional post. You are not alone in surviving and you should be very proud of your victories no matter how small. You have brought the conversation to a new level around depression and anxiety disorders and I for one am grateful to you for starting a dialog. Your courage and humor in the face of such an overwhelming adversary is inspirational.

    Thank you! You Rock!!

  523. Jenny, I had no idea. I am so moved. My husband suffers from Bipolar Disorder and we’ve battled it for 16 years and counting. I don’t discuss this with most people. It’s private. And it can be very ugly. I blogged about it once in a humorous way. I’m not brave enough to do what you have done. Besides, it’s not my illness to discuss. It makes sense to me that you battle depression. Some of the most talented, creative, intelligent and hysterically funny people I know battle some sort of mental disorder. I guess it goes along with genius. Thank you for being so honest, so human, so vulnerable. Thank you.

    Lori Stefanac (Lola) recently posted And like that (picture Lola snapping, here) we are back to the old grind.

  524. Thank you for sharing your story. It takes courage to share a personal journey like yours. It is helpful to others to know they are not alone. Having appropriate therapy (as you evidently do) is important.

    JoAnn Jordan recently posted Looking Ahead to 2012.

  525. I just wanted to say “thank you” and to send cyber hugs. I started following you on twitter randomly (I think because of a WilW retweet) and two tweets in you were talking about depression and I thought “This is my people.” I have been struggling with depression and anxiety and was too afraid to tweet it or say anything out loud to anyone beside my core support system until recently. I saw the signs in a friend of mine drowning in a depression with no where to turn, I spoke up and have since helped guide her down a path I was traveling at the beginning of the year and knew well. Therapy, prescriptions, and good friends later we are both doing much better. Thank you for not being afraid first to say something and spread the word. I appreciate you!! =)

    Heather recently posted It is my Birthday!!.

  526. It’s okay. You’re a better person to me.

    Love,
    a spouse of someone who fights the good fight

  527. 532
    Jennifer Parsons

    Jenny, I’ve been reading your blog for some time now, this will be the first comment I’ve left. I don’t suffer from depression or have the same problems you do…I’m just another human being here on the planet struggling through the day-by-day we’re all struggling through. It looks like about a thousand other readers have already commented ahead of me about how amazing and wonderful we all find you to be, so I won’t belabor the point, but I did want to say this: even though we’re strangers (all of us on here, for the most part), even though we may live hundreds of miles apart (or possibly down the street), even though we don’t all have the same issues…you are a part of our lives, and we care about you. We are all here for you. I have a feeling that most of us would do anything we possibly could to reach out and help you, whenever you need it. You, with your brilliance and goofiness and insane sense of humor (and I mean that in the best possible way!)…you have created a community of people who love you. So I sincerely hope that the next time you’re fighting that fight, you cling to that thought. There are literally THOUSANDS of us out here, with our hands out, and our hearts open.

  528. Thank you, Jenny.

    I am where you were – fighting through a bad depression, grasping desperately to life and often feeling like I’m losing… You help. Thank you.

  529. I feel the hell out of this post. thank you for writing it.

  530. I can’t say I’ve been where you’ve been I have to admit I’ve been depressed before. Like for MONTHS. Thankfully, this has only happened twice before in my life. It was bad but nowhere near as bad as I imagine it is for other people.
    However, this has affected my mom much more. When I was still in high school (about 15 years ago), she used to self-harm, too. That was a crazy time that almost sent me to juvenile detention and DID put me on probation (No, I never committed a crime; Yay! The times of the late 90′s in NY state!). Still, those times have passed after she recieved treatment thanks to the help of some social workers and teachers of mine at the time. She not what I would call OK these days but things are better.

    So, while I can’t say I can relate, I think I can understand better. It’s good to know you’re “getting better” (I’m reluctant to use those words. They don’t feel right here.) Here’s hoping more awareness can be brought to this beyond just teenagers doing it.

  531. Jenny, you are so honest and you are so brave. Thank you for your blog and for all that you do to help so many people. I have never met you, but I am so proud of you. Your daughter is very lucky to have you as her mother.

  532. Wow! Now, I think that you are even more amazing and impressive than I thought before! I’m imagining thousands upon thousands of peoples that you helped today…. just by posting this. People that suffer and fight a similiar affliction… and also all of the people that love and care for those that fight, but that don’t understand the affliction… I admire you more than I can express. THANK YOU

  533. 538
    Anonymouse

    Ouch! (On so many Levels!)

    This is one of the bravest things I’ve soon. I will wear a silver ribbon for you.

    “Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.” — Irma Bombeck

    Please continue to be brave, funny, and I love you.

  534. Depression is a fucker. And not the good kind that buys you a drink first. It’s the kind that comes up to you on a crowded street and hits you in the face with chloroform, drags you into an alley and rapes you. I’ve been dealing with it for most of my life, self medicating, shrink medicating more self medicating plus prescriptions. There are ups and downs, but lately there’s been fewer ups and longer downs. Fighting thoughts of suicide, holding my daughter close so that I feel a reason not to. Booze. God the booze…..but I can fight. I can win. We all can.

  535. Keep singing those battle songs, sister.
    Thanks for your candor – honoured that you shared it with all of us. So many people don’t understand self-harm, I hope that you have good people around you that get what it means for you.
    You are amaze-balls, just read over these posts in moments of doubt (and, if necessary, use the comments here as the lyrics for your battle songs).
    xo

  536. Thank you so much for your bravery. Thank you for talking about something that so many do not. I pray that you continue to triumph on your struggle to survive.

  537. Thank you for this. Julie

  538. Thank you so much for this post. You are truly an inspiration. I just last month finally felt brave enough to start seeking help for my depression and anxiety. You inspire me. Thank you. I, too, would totally wear that ribbon!
    Much love,
    Nikki

  539. Congratulations on being on the upswing of the battle and for you honesty. I grew up in a household with a father that suffered from bi-polar 2 disorder and with my own little kit bag of anxiety. My father is and was a great dad and we were saved from a lot of the pain of mental illness in a family by the fact that they were honest with us. On e of my children has an anxiety disorder and I think it has helped him through the worst of it in that our family treats it like any other illness that must be treated, fought acknowledged and when you win a battle CELEBRATED!! So YEAH!!

  540. 545
    R Wordsworth

    Thank you so much for sharing that. This post moved me so much, and you have put into words what I have been thinking/feeling for the last few years.

    If you can cope, then I can too.

    Thank you.

  541. I want to thank you for having the courage to post this. Fight because you can and know you are loved.
    I want you to save this post and go back and look when the feelings get bad again. Know you are strong and know you may never be cured but you can make it you really can!

  542. You being a fighter was never a question. We all know you will kick depression in the ass and come out on top. You’re fabulous and are certainly not alone.

    Thank you for sharing your personal journey even when it’s painful.

    Mrs. One Day recently posted Beer Reality and (Occasional) Champagne Dreams.

  543. I’m so glad to know you, even if it’s just through the internets.

    Sherry Carr-Smith recently posted I’m baaaack!.

  544. I am like you. I fight the urge to self-harm and I am trying to get it under control before my daughter can see and/or understand. Thank you for sharing you heart. This means more to me than you will ever know, or words could express.

  545. Thank you

  546. I wish I was as strong as you. I’ve been struggling for what feels like my entire life. And I struggle in silence. I don’t have many friends, and I don’t think I’ve ever really talked about myself with them. I don’t know if I’m ashamed or just don’t want to bother them with my problems. Every time I think I’m getting better, another “rabbit hole” pops up in front of me and down I go again. I just bought a house … all on my own. I should be happy. Yet I find myself curled up on the couch rather than reaching out to my friends.

    Maybe (hopefully) some of your courage and strength will rub off on me. :)

    Becky recently posted Why do I still have this stuff?.

  547. Thank you. That’s all I can say. Thank you.

    Jenmac recently posted [Insert obligatory New Year post here].

  548. OMG, that’s so amazingly powerful. You speak to my fight, and my battles. And to my victories and my defeats. I hope you’re able to celebrate more victories than defeats, and that you get where you want to go. Know that you have lots of loyal followers who will support you when you need it!!

    Julie Nemitz recently posted Epic Fail.

  549. Thank you for this. I didn’t know how badly I needed it.

  550. I belong to a support group for my condition. Recently someone said something both simple and profound, and this relates perfectly to what you said, Jenny: people don’t think twice when you tell them your eyes aren’t what they should be and you need glasses. Yet when it’s a disorder of the brain they get all huffy about it.

    I’m glad you spoke out. I think that, not only is there help for others, but personal freedom for yourself. Your depression obviously doesn’t define you, any more than a person’s near-sightedness defines them. Yet it’s there sometimes and you have to deal with it. What a relief it must be not to have to do so in silence. Way to go! :)

    wolfshades recently posted Rainy Paradise.

  551. Because of you I have hope that one day I will be able to face my anxiety and depression head on and not fight it quietly in the dark. My family is aware of my poor mental health, but they do not understand or realize the depth or severity, because I hide it. I dream of the day when I will be able to leave the house on a regular basis and do things with my kids. I read your blog because you are funny and quirky and just my side of crazy. I read your blog because you are honest about what you are going through and give a face to what I suffer from.
    Because of you I have hope.

  552. Thank you, you are truly amazing!

  553. Keep fighting, sister. And know you are not alone.

  554. I’m so glad you made it through another bout. I know how tough it is, especially when you think things are okay at last and the depression comes back. And to climb back out of that again just shows the strength you have. And everytime a person – particularly with your reach and influence – shares their experiences, the more people are helped. Survivors, sufferers, those who care about them. I cheer for you. Thank you for sharing!

    Maid In Australia recently posted 2012 you better be swell ....

  555. Jenny, thank you for having the strength and the courage to be honest with yourself and with us about this battle. Thank you for giving us a battle-cry, for giving us something to rally around, for encouraging those of us who are still unsure how the battle will end. I know that each time I face down these demons I become stronger, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t constantly terrifying. If more of us were able to stand together, and to affirm those who stand with us–whether or not they understand the fight–I believe we would all be better for it.

  556. I’ve written about my struggles and my difficulty with being a 40 year old who struggles with self-harm. It sounds much like yours. Maybe someday I’ll feel like I can tell someone who actually knows me besides my therapist, but not yet. I haven’t harmed in 13 days. It’s not an easy journey.

    Livinginthewell recently posted Happy New Year #notalone365.

  557. A friend sent me here, telling me I had to read this post. You see, I attempted to take my own life this past November 22nd. At that time, the pain I felt inside was beyond words. There were no magic medications, no groundbreaking new surgical or therapeutic techniques. Their was just me and the pain. No one else. Nothing else. Or, so I thought…

    Like you, I wrote a blog post about it and THANKFULLY, enough friends on Twitter and Facebook saw it, read it and took action to save me. There were 911 calls made from the US (I’m Canadian) and across Ontario. The police and paramedics found me, treated me with compassion. The support of friends who I previously thought of as really good acquaintances still blows my mind whenever I think about it. These are people I had never met in person!

    Yes, the battle is so very, very hard. But the rewards of fighting and winning are beyond measure.

    Keep fighting, always.

  558. I hear you. I see you. You matter.
    I will wear a silver ribbon for you.

  559. Be proud. Keep up the good fight

  560. You are an amazing person Jenny, how anyone can judge you for going through something like this I’ll never know. You inspire me to help my husband get through his dark patches more and more each day.
    You should be so proud of yourself, you are wonderful.

  561. God, I admire you so much. I KNOW where you are. I understand you and I applaud your bravery. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I have depression–and I fought a long battle against suicidal ideation when I was in the throes of therapy. I also have an anxiety disorder, impulse disorder, PTSD, bulimia/BED [let's see, have I forgotten any? Oh, yeah:] dependency disorder. I also take meds and I worked for six long hard years in therapy with my [long-suffering] therapist to have the life I have now. Like you, I try to reach out to people and let them know that mental illness is NOT something to be ashamed of any more than they would be ashamed if they had cancer. I don’t know how many of these fucking disorders I would have if I hadn’t been abused throughout my childhood- and it doesn’t matter because it just IS.
    THANK YOU for sharing yourself with others. It’s sooo important to let others know that they are NOT ALONE. You wrote your memoir; I write The Patience Books, which are the story of a teenage girl’s recovery from childhood sexual abuse. I started writing them as a way of processing my grief, anger, and disbelief that my mom turned her back on me when I, at age 38, had a mental breakdown because of the abuse I went through and 25 years of pretending it didn’t happen. My favorite part of the letters I get from readers is, “Wow, the therapy sessions are so REAL!” Um…yeah, they were I mean ARE, ha ha ha.
    I love you, Jenny-The- Bloggess. I know from personal experience that it takes a lot of trust and strength to identify yourself as Thank you for pulling back the curtain and trusting us to keep feeling the same about you as always. If anything, I only admire you more for being an advocate for all of us who struggle with mental illness. Thank you.
    Steady On.
    Beth Fehlbaum, author and avid reader of The Bloggess ;)

  562. Reading you and laughing with your posts is sometimes the only smile I’ll crack all day. Today you brought tears to my eyes but how can I not be grateful to read you? You are alive and struggling. And we are alive, here, with you… even in the distance. Keep fighting. Thank you for this post.

    re

    re recently posted también los monstruos.

  563. http://www.pinmart.com/silver-ribbon-lapel-pin.aspx?AdID=611–S106 (cheapies)

    I will proudly wear one for you and for me.

    This was the hardest post to read. I too self hurt, and hearing you say it aloud means I really am not alone.

  564. I am proud of you. You can fight this fight. I don’t self harm, but fight the battle of depression. I daily think about driving over a bridge and whether or not I would survive. I wouldn’t want to. Good luck to you.

  565. As someone else said in a previous comment, as soon as I think it’s impossible to love your blog any more than I already do, you post something like this. I am a survivor who still fights the battle from time to time. I have been hospitalized three times on involuntary holds due to suicidal ideations/attempts. Thankfully, it’s been almost 14 years since I was last hospitalized, but that doesn’t always necessarily make it any easier when the demon rears its ugly head again. However, I can honestly say that these days I’m really grateful I wasn’t successful all those years ago. Hang in there and well done on three days!! So proud of you!!

  566. I have almost 10 years without self harming (some would quibble about little ocd things I still do). I couldn’t imagine saying that 10 years ago. I hope that 10 years from now you are posting a comment like this – but for now, not doing it today is what matters. You are awesome, even if you don’t feel it, even if it hurts to hear that. You are awesome because you speak the truth.

  567. Jenny, as someone with debilitating bouts of anxiety and depression and a persistent sense of shame about them, THANK YOU.

  568. Thank you so much, Jenny, for posting about this. I can tell how scary it was for you to write about self-injury publicly. You have given such a gift to the many, many, many readers you have who self-injure and/or who have loved ones who self-injure. I wanted to share this link, because I like resources that don’t just focus on “stop self-harming; it’s bad!” but instead provide other creative options to redirect the impulses and to deal with the feelings that can trigger self harming: http://helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm

    I really wanted to post a link for a self-help website I came across several years ago that was all written by, for, and about people who self-injure and was totally non-judgmental, but I couldn’t find it. The one above is the most similar in terms of information, though not as many different types of information and resources.

    One of the things I remember was that it included, as steps toward healing, if you feel like you absolutely have to cut, for example, to try to cut less deep. (Or to burn yourself less seriously, etc.) It is often so much about baby steps. I know someone who used to self-harm severely, and it was a big deal for her to seek first-aid treatment and follow-through on aftercare. That was a big step. A lot of it is little steps.

    No self-injury resource I’ve found ever mentions this, but I think it’s not on the radar. Because so much about self-injury is about shame, loneliness, isolation, I also wanted to mention that the person who drew my attention to that site (the one I can’t find), has disabilities, and started to self-injure after she became disabled, which I did as well (though mildly and only for a limited time). I know other people who never self-injured until they became chronically ill and/or disabled. Studies indicate that childhood neglect is the most likely to lead to self-injury, and most people seem to start when they’re kids or teens, but my theory is that the isolation and neglect that many adults with disabilities live with causes some similar psychic damage as childhood neglect and/or abuse. So, it can happen to anyone during any stage of life.

    I believe in you. Thank you for sharing a little bit of your story.

    Sharon Wachsler recently posted Barnum’s Accomplishments at Two Year’s Old.

  569. We love you jenny. Thank you for being real.

    Mandi recently posted Happy New Year - Sweet Potato & Black Bean Chili.

  570. I may not understand depression, but I do understand what an inspiration you are. I have loved ones who battle the disease in shame. For you to be so vocal helps erase the negative stigma of mental illnesses. Bravo to you and good luck to you and everyone else out there fighting depression (or anything really). Bringing it out in the open can only help more people understand it better.

  571. You are a brave young woman. I’m glad that you are able to see that your depression doesn’t have to be a terminal illness. 10 years ago, my husband suicided, he couldn’t see what you can, that depression can be dealt with and even overcome. I’m hopeful that you will beat this, and that you know that you are a great role model for your daughter.

  572. You’re a brave, strong, funny lady-and you’ll come through it all better than ever. :)

  573. Jenny,

    You are fierce. Thank you for your honesty and courage, because you are going to help someone else be able to be honest and courageous.

    I was also suicidally depressed in the summer of 2007, to the point that my psychiatrist took away my car keys so I couldn’t drive it into a tree and my then-boyfriend (now husband) and adult daughter took turns calling me every morning at 9:30 to make sure I had survived the night. I crawled out of that – it took awhile – but you’re right – depression wants you to believe it’s forever and it’s a lying bastard.

    I was diagnosed with breast cancer in October 2010. That sucked too, but I’m still more afraid that the depression will come back than I am that the cancer will come back. It pisses me off that there are pink ribbons and shit everywhere – not to minimize others’ battle with cancer or my own – but nothing for people who are depressed, anxious, bipolar, self-harming, etc. etc. etc.

    I’ve always loved your writing and sense of humor. This post confirms that I love YOU.

    Stay fierce.

    Lisa

  574. Thank you.

    Maybe you don’t need that Tag “I’m over-rated” any more.
    You are loved, hell… now you have wandered into the category of Beloved!

    (Also, yes it’s me, the one who STILL hasn’t gotten all the way through your archives, and now that I’m making some headway, I see how very many Julies there are here, I’ll identify my self elf by saying:
    it’s me, the Witchy one.)

    Julie recently posted New Month, Same Season: Winter..

  575. 580
    Regan Lefferts

    Thank you so much for posting this. As I type, tears are streaming down my face. My struggle with depression has been since I was a kid. I am now 41, and I see it in my two older kids. I am terrified for them. I can empathize, but I cannot make them better. Good for you, being open and honest.

  576. I think you’re incredibly brave. And if your post has done nothing else, it’s made me aware that there’s a ribbon color for brain disorders – I didn’t even know it existed. But your post HAS done something else – God knows it’s exhausting to feel like you’re fighting yourself every day, but what strange and wonderful idea that we should get credit for making it through just like any other survivor.

  577. I applaud your bravery! You are admitting and saying things that many of us feel but don’t feel brave enough to so publicly proclaim. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.

  578. You have been, are, and always will be amazing. We love you.

    Abbeyviolet recently posted Wishes for the New Year.

  579. I am proud of you…….stay strong and know that you are stronger than you realize.

  580. Thank you for posting this and I’m totally cheering on your recovery.
    I’ve been medicated for Bipolar since the age of 18. I’m in a really good place right now. I’m completely unmedicated because I’m pregnant. I haven’t been in a deep depression for a very long time. When I start to slip downhill, I imagine being one of those kick ass movie heroes dripping with blood, with broken bones and shit, but ignoring it all while still doing ‘courageous’ things like taking care of the kid and getting out of bed and going to work. I’m the only one that knows I’m in serious pain, but if I managed to feed my kid and take a shower, I feel pretty bad ass.
    Bloggess, you are pretty bad ass yourself.

    Amber Mc recently posted Gestation Proclamation.

  581. My main struggle is generalized anxiety, (with the occassional panic attack thrown in for good measure) though going through a separation/divorce will
    Make all kinds of things appear. I’m sure you can’t possibly read every comment, but please know that while I realize it isn’t always “sunshine and roses” it’s reassuring for me to see someone with similar struggles in a successful marriage and who is just a success in my eyes all around. You give me hope that even “my normal” can work out.

  582. You have no idea hope much I needed to read this. Thank you…I have unpublished posts too

    Meghan @JaMonkey recently posted Best of 2011.

  583. I love this post because it speaks to me as someone who struggles with anxiety and depression. I also love this post because it speaks to those who love people like us, but who don’t fully understand our struggles.

    Julie Marsh recently posted May God have mercy on my Bronco-hating soul.

  584. It has been more than 10 years since the last time I cut myself. Every day at the beginning was hard, but it gets better. I realize how stupid that sounds, but I promise it does. I promise. I hope you know that every day in between now and “better” there are so many of us celebrating with you on the good days, supporting you on the bad days, and then celebrating with you again. So, so many of us. Much love and strength and good vibes and happy thoughts to you.

  585. I am crying as I write this because I am where you were a month ago, trying to battle out. But unlike you I can’t seem to get over that final hurdle. I too fear the day my son understands that his mom isn’t “right” and the anxiety is overpowering. Thank you for sharing so honestly and openly; my 2012 word of the year is Hope for a lot of reasons, but one is to get through this yet again stronger, and better off for having experienced the darkness.

  586. Great post. I’d like to say to anyone suffering depression make sure to have a thorough physical. Sometimes it is not mental but physical. I was very low in vitamin D which can cause all sorts of bad things.

  587. You’re a winner! I’ve been dealing with the same problems for most of my life, but I know that it’ll get better. Thanks for posting this, I love you and your blog and what a strong, wonderful person you are.

  588. Thank you for being so open with us and hell yes we are proud of you.

  589. proudly taking antidepressants since 2003! and suggesting it openly to my friends…the ones taking xanax silently…that quick fix — Unfortunately it just a mask. Seek real help.

    Jenny, Hugs from a stranger, who has had her own struggles with her hearing, heart and employment the past 2 years: thanks for the laughs! One day at a time sounds simple but hopefully its an attainable goal. XO

  590. Current fighter, you speak the truth and didn’t hold back. I admire that. If I had that silver ribbon, I’d proudly wear it for you, me and everyone else here.

  591. 597
    Timbrrrwolf

    I applaud you for being so honest. You touch so many people’s lives and make some of us stronger and braver in fighting our own battles. It’s scary knowing that depression may (most likely will) come back to visit like that odd uncle no one talks about but shows up for family events and then occupies the sofa for months after everyone else has left. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in this battle and that there are others out there who understand that you can’t just “snap out of it”. I also applaud our family and friends who help keep our chin above water when we’re so close to drowning. You, Jenny, are a remarkable woman and still my hero. I know that probably doesn’t mean much from someone you’ve never met but there you have it. Keep up the awesome-ness that is you. You are greatly appreciated

  592. Jenny, my brother did not win his battle with ongoing depression, and after months of heavy drinking on top of a heart condition, he died alone at home last month at the age of 49. He did not choose to reach out to let anyone know how serious his depression was, and I wish so much that he would have. We held his memorial service two weeks before Christmas and I put his ashes in the the funeral home columbarium three days ago. I know he would not have wanted us to be as heartbroken as we are, but we just…are.

    You are smart and you are strong, and you know enough to get the help you need and to lean on the people who love you. I am so happy for you and for all those who love and care about you that you have beat back the darkness. I have no doubt that you will continue to do so. The world would be far too beige without you in it.

    Barnmaven recently posted Goodbye, hello, and letting go..

  593. you are fucking awesome. that is all. oh wait! not all, there’s a big ass hug to go with this. xoxo

  594. Depression is a type of fire. An angry type of fire that consumes you and tries so desprately to destroy you. Thank you so much for posting this, you are much braver than I could be. I, too, have depression and self harm tendency, so this strikes a chord with me. One of my favourite authors tweeted this post and he was right. I also admire and envy your honesty and openness. Your ability to expressive yourself and these thoughts, even if it wasn’t easy. It was brave.

  595. Thank you for posting this.

  596. I’m “T” of LGBT, and though I’m not diagnosed with depression I suffer my bouts. My family doesn’t get either of these things. To them I’m weak minded, lazy, selfish, and lost from my faith. And not matter how I pick myself up and find a better me under the layers of doubt, the layers of self-hate and fear, no matter how I strive they find me worthless.

    These are the things I’ve been afraid to tell anyone, because when I tell the people who should care the most, they deny me.

    I know one day you’ll be better. I know it will be the longest and roughest battle you’ve ever fought, but you will win. You have what most people don’t: the will to be the best you there is. And with a crowd full of people supporting you, that will can only grow. The sun isn’t always visible, but sometimes the clouds are beautiful too.

  597. Holy Cow, I think this is the farthest down I have had to scroll to leave a comment before!
    God Bless you and your ability to convey just what you are going through to us without scaring us. I have depression too and I don’t think I’ve ever been able to talk about it before with your clarity or courage. Keep on baby, we’re with you.

    Michelle recently posted Happy New Year Everyone!.

  598. Thank you so much for posting this. I have had a few depressive episodes before, but this summer was the worst ever. I also have a 2yo and a 4yo. I could barely wake up in the morning and when I did, all I could think about was taking a nap and going to bed at night. I came through it a few months later, and now things are good again. I know just what you mean about the people who carry the load for you b/c you just can’t do anything yourself; my husband was incredibly supportive.

    You are right in that many people are ashamed to suffer from depression. I only told my closest friends, and not even all of them. I don’t know why we feel like it is a dirty little secret. I applaud you for being open and honest about this.

    Best of luck to you, and keep the conversation going!

  599. Keep fighting.
    Keep fighting.
    Keep fighting.

    Don’t be ashamed, because there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

    You’re not alone.

    Keep fighting.

    We’re fighting with you, and when the darkness comes, we’ll light the candles, wave the flashlights, set off the firecrackers—whatever it takes to lend you the light you need.

    You are amazing.

    xoxoxoxoxxo

  600. 606
    SassyNurse

    Thank you. As a nurse, I am expected to be the person who holds her arms open wide to those suffering each day (which I gladly do), but most of the time, I myself am crying out from the darkness I feel on the inside, “why not me, why doesn’t anyone comfort me?” Then I found your blog. You comfort me. It is hard being strong for everyone else, when you struggle daily to be strong for yourself. I am glad that you have shown me that I am not alone in my battle. I thank you for this, more than you will ever realize.

  601. Thanks for a GREAT blog! I have suffered all my life from depression and bipolar disorder, so believe me I understand. Do I ever! My good news is that I’ve been stable for several years now with a good cocktail of drugs and a solid grounding of therapy. My New Year’s wish for you is that you find the same sort of stability that I enjoy. Bravo for staying away from the cutting! Keep up the great work.

  602. Nearly every morning I wake up I find myself, mid-thought, counting the number of pills it would take or how to go about purchasing a firearm or where best to place a knife against my chest. As I become conscious, the paralysis sets in. Don’t move and I don’t have to worry about doing anything stupid. That’s about the time that I begin hoping the outside world will do the job. Maybe a drunk will hit me coming home from work, maybe a tree or a satellite will fall on me, maybe a home invasion will go terribly wrong. Absurd, macabre, utterly comedic save for the fact that I wish for my life to end. Then I get hungry. How long can I wait here till starvation takes me? Maybe it won’t take long. I know, I’m deeply aware, that if I get up, get moving, get a shower, get coffee, do something, anything, the thoughts will recede. But the perceived pointlessness of it, the further compounding self-created evidence of being a waste of a human life, keeps me in bed.

    Then something breaks through, usually. Sometimes it’s my own hunger. Sometimes it is my pets’ hunger as they lick me on my face. Sometimes its nothing and I stay in bed all day. But usually, I begin to move. It’s like being a pebble on a small incline, rolling and rolling, ever so slowly, down into just existing. Things stop the roll throughout the day. Seeing the pills I woke up counting. Seeing a knife in the kitchen. But it’s a brief stop. It’s brief because I’ve had friends and friends of friends kill themselves. I’ve heard the pain in other friends’ voices, cried with them over the phone, as they informed me of our friends having taken their own lives. I count the dead friends lucky, I envy them even, their suffering is over…for them. Their final action, though, dispersed their suffering onto others. By ending their pain they caused so much more. I think of my adult child, now out of the house, how could I do that to them? I can’t. No matter how much I want to take myself out of the game, I can’t allow it. That’s mean. I don’t ever want to be mean. Even if I can’t stand the thought of my presence, being mean is right out.

    But I lie. “I’m fine.” “Everything’s good.” Posting anonymous. And so on. You’re more courageous that I. It’s a good thing that you are courageous. You give a voice to that which gains its strength from stealing one’s voice. Your post gives it a kick to the face, a nice steel-toed-boot curb-stomp to the face. Depression needs more of that. Speaking out about it allows for communal cleansing, so long as the community understands the essence of it. Your speaking out about it is community understanding. It fosters the understanding. Your post is the good work needed to help break the stigma of depression.

  603. I’m new to your world, Jenny, and I love your words. And I want to say thank you for posting this. Thank you for sharing your words and your thoughts. It means the world to so many people – thank you :)

    Stacey recently posted Hitting the mark.

  604. Are you still reading? Congratulations on getting out of your hole. You can celebrate with us!! I’m sorry you struggle with depression and self harm. I struggle with depression, eating disorders and anxiety. it *is* a struggle and with the best will in the world, no one else really knows what that struggle is like unless they have one similar themselves. I don’t know if posting about will necessarily help your recovery, but anything is worth a shot and no doubt your post will help others. Thank you so much. I LOVE reading your posts… even this one. Well done for hauling your carcass out of the mire. It *is* another illness you have just recovered from and you are right… we do get more skilled at managing everytime we come out of having been depressed again. Kindest regards, Karen.

  605. Been there, done that, crawled out, fell back in (though I figured I’d know better, or somehow how to “stop it”), crawled out… the Abyss and I are old chums. Sorry you know it, too.

    Welcome back, warrior.

  606. Thank you for writing this post. Yiu puts into words what i cant. Thank you for sharing everything about you with the world….the good, the bad and the ugly. I’ve been fighting depression for about 2 years and I think I’m finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. The idea of HOPE is what has gotten me through the past couple of months and the feeling will continue to be my guide. Thank you for being you. The more we talk about this disease the better everyone is.

    Stay strong. People love you…including me:)

  607. Thanks ever so much for sharing.
    I am in the sea of people wearing silver ribbons, standing beside you and pulling, pulling, lifting you up so you can feel the warm sun on your back.

    Pam @writewrds recently posted A Mother at Christmas.

  608. I have fought the battle against depression and self harm and the darkness that presses in since my childhood, and I have sung that same battle song to myself, more than once.

    3 days is a huge thing. HUGE! I’m proud of you.

    Tracie recently posted Thoughts On A Year Of Courage.

  609. I’m a survivor, too. Fuck depression.

  610. 616
    Kajsa Håkansson

    Thanks for sharing. The fight against the Black Dog has been with me since my childhood. It a little easyer to cop with now, trying to find strategies that will work and trying to really se hope.
    I salut You for your brave blog.

  611. I am 27. I self harm. In 2011 I was hospitalized 3 times. (short term) got way too many stitches and my therapist recommended an IOP program 5 days a week. I don’t know if it helps but I had to quit my job for treatment so I feel worthless living on savings while I try to work on better. I haven’t cut in almost 3 weeks..

    The struggle is hard. It’s nearly impossible to understand, but there is a tiny sliver of hope that after a 13 year battle I can beat the demons.

  612. I just want to say some things:

    1. Never be ashamed. The rest, they are kept in line by the threat of Hell. Us… we live there. Since we were born. And they have the nerve to call you “weak”.
    2. You don’t deserve the suffering, or the pain. So, use the weapons you now have. If you found a good doc and have good pills, by all means take them. Nobody deserves this deal.
    3. Fight on. This, too, shall pass. And you will know other things, things that you deserve to have, if only as compensation for having done the time in this flaming joint without doing the crime.

    Good luck and keep up the posting

    From a couple circles lower

    Hans recently posted Si pudieras convertirte en un personaje de ficción, ¿cuál sería?.

  613. Brave. Bold. Beautiful.

  614. 620
    TexTroosers

    As someone who has suffered with depression and mental illness for 2/3s of my thirty year life- I applaud your honesty and bravery. Stigmas about mental illness and depression are getting better, but I still find that when I try to be honest about my struggles, everyone (including my fiance and family) becomes uncomfortable and (whether conscious or unconscious), distances themselves from me. Some people even get mad at me, calling me weak and try to tell me that I can decide to not to be depressed. I long for depression and other mental illnesses to be recognized with the same compassion and concern as cancer, so I will gladly wear a silver ribbon with you. Love and hugs from Wisconsin

  615. Unless people have the courage to say what you have said, we will always be thought of as broken. Thank God you do. My eleven year old son is now suffering from this disease too and has made me bold about speaking out. I don’t want him to suffer in silence and shame. So, basically, thank you. Again.

    Tara Adams recently posted When Discipline Backfires.

  616. You speak for many – one foot in front of the other

    Cindi recently posted A New You in a New Year | Best Stress Relief | Laughter and Health |.

  617. Thank you. It helps other people who are suffering to have other people out there telling them they’re not alone.

    Keep up the good fight and we’ll all be rooting for you.

    Mallory recently posted Ocean Marketing: Deconstructing an Apology.

  618. I appreciate you for writing this. I appreciate you for pressing the publish button on the post.

    I suffered from depression for about a year and as a self-professed human smiley face, I don’t feel like I can talk to many people about the struggle. I pulled myself out of it but there have been occasions where it sits at the surface and I have to work to not sink back into the abyss. I appreciate your resolve to work and your honesty about the struggle.

    Thank you.

    Ashia recently posted Shoe Candy-Jolene Boots.

  619. I’m in “the hole” today, but cheering you on nonetheless. You make getting better seem possible. Thanks.

    tamaratattles recently posted Even More Storytime with Sheree Whitfield.

  620. So proud of you for sharing your story. I love you and your blog and I’m a therapist who has worked with a lot of women who self harm so I know what an achievement it is to reach 3 days. Congratulations! It does get better.

  621. Thank you for writing such a brave and poignant post. It brought tears of empathy and complete understanding to my eyes. I’m glad you’re feeling stronger today! Keep at it lady.

  622. I didn’t know I could live a life as an adult with a mental illness until I found blogs like this. I cannot even begin to tell you how much hope you give me. I thought my life was over. now I see that it’s just beginning…

    Molly recently posted The first night of Hanukkah.

  623. Those of us on the pain road ahead of you saw this post coming. I tried to blog my stuff a few years ago and couldn’t handle any feedback at all, pro or con, because my social anxiety is overwhelming, so I shut it down. I have struggled a long time with how not to be a drag in print when it’s all such a drag. You have been an absolute delight, a word artist, a neat little night light on the internet. I think you’re doing awesome, and I’m really glad you’re out there saying stuff for those of us who can’t quite iron out the bitter irony that overshadows our words. I wound up becoming allergic to nearly all my med families and have had to taper off *everything*, and wow, first holiday season without meds in a long time. I made it, I didn’t destroy anyone, I even laughed and enjoyed people. I think you helped in the in between times. I thank you.

  624. 630
    Judith Wilson

    I stand and applaud you for being a survivor <3 I am one too :)

  625. Thank you for writing this. I think it’s incredibly brave to share your struggles & pain with the world. You bring light to the darkest corners & make the rest of us feel less alone. Much love & appreciation, Bloggess.

  626. Keep on fighting the fight, you can create your “life worth living”. I don’t know about you, but I’ve known people who have found it helpful to write a letter to themselves while they’re in remission so that they can read it when the depression comes back. They’ll give themselves reasons and inspiration to keep on going and never give up, since when you’re in the middle of it it’s almost impossible to “talk yourself out of it” or come up with reasons to keep working. I suppose this blog post could almost be like that for you :) You’re not alone.

  627. You are one of the bravest, most incredible women I know. Thank you for not only sharing your victories and amazing sense of humor, but also your personal struggles. You’re winning the fight and by shining a light on it, you’re going to help others win, too. xoxo

  628. 634
    alexandria

    I have never commented before, and was sure I never would be able to. Then I read this post.

    My mom (like myself) also has issues with depression and anxiety. She used to physically self-harm herself repeatedly. She hurt herself for years, but it also has been years since the last time she did. She still has the same triggers, but she is strong-willed, and has been able to resist. It may be far from easy, but it is possible.
    To post the truth out in the open shows everyone, and hopefully yourself, that you are strong. That even if the enemy never goes away, you can still win the battle. That you can, and you will.

    You are an amazing woman.
    You are brave, awesome, hilarious, and inspirational. Thank you for all the laughter you have given, and all the meaningful words you have written.

    Thank you for being you.

  629. You SHOULD be incredibly proud that you had the strength to share your story…because there are so many other people out there who will read this and know that they are not alone. I commend you for putting your story out there!

  630. For someone that has suffered through this and has family members who deal with this constantly this is such a brave and honest post. I will share it with everyone. That you can share is a positive step. Thank you for sharing. I know this post will help people, it helped me.

    Brian recently posted 2012 is going to be an interesting year..

  631. /HUG
    You are a wonderful person, and, suffering from depression makes that more true, not less.
    I myself suffer from a flavor of depression called Seasonal Affective Disorder. This doesn’t mean I only get depressed at a specific time of year, but that it is much deeper at a certain, or, in my case, certain times. Depression is a regular battle for me, and, I know how scary it can be.
    I used to self-inflict physical pain to get past the mental, or even, simply, to have something that felt real. You have such a core of inner strength, I have no doubt that you will reach your goal in getting past that. Let yourself take the time you need to do it. /hug
    I grew up in a family that didn’t let on to weakness. Not that it was some, macho, puffery-filled thing. Emotions, and feelings simply were not talked about. I can, to this day, tell the subtle changes in a person from their moods, almost before they can.
    Because of this, I became a bottler. I would hide in the bathroom if I needed to, to perform my inflictions. I was a cutter. Nothing deep, nothing drastic, but, scary, I quickly learned, to anyone who noticed.
    Also because of this, not only did I become a great liar and seemingly constantly upbeat, but I also started to feel dead inside. Nothing really had any effect on me. There was no real loss, even when my mother died when I was 12. There was no euphoric feeling of love, ever.
    I eventually fought my way out, mostly alone. My oldest daughter saved my life by being conceived. I was traveling down a self destructive path. Abusive boyfriend (even got lit on fire and poisoned, it’s been a trip for certain), drugs, drinking, and minor criminal activity. Why not, when nothing really mattered.
    My daughter changed that. Not out of an immediate feeling of amazement, though, that did start breaking through to me, but simply because there are somethings i realized that mattered more than me, and, her life was something I had no right to screw up by drinking or being a druggie, or by getting beaten up. It was an easy decision, but, a hard choice. It was a struggle, because I had to change everything about my life, which, was, basically, the only friends I had.
    So, I got married too young to a man too old for me, and screwed up his life, as well. But, he helped me. Hurt me too, but, helped me. He was a loud man, quick to anger, quick to laughter, violent in everything, and I don’t mean that entirely badly. He showed me that it’s ok to feel, and to admit it, though, I never did, to him.
    I have five kids now. I finally fell in love. Of course I did it extremely :) Gave him my whole heart, all of me. I was fighting to take myself and my children to live with him in Canada (I’m from the US). I had gotten a too tiny apartment, and a job, and sent him money so he could move to his current location and look for work. He found some, and then to celebrate, and to recover from the hit to his pride by taking my money, he had sex with his neighbor.
    It was awful, that crash. I’m still not fully recovered, and, since we have two children together (we were in a relationship for quite a while), I can’t just walk away to mend. Simply loving someone is the most amazing feeling. I love all of my children, deeply, but loving another adult is different. For the first time I had that and, it was shocking to me, the difference it made in me, when I was with him. Having that betrayal hit me was a new low.
    But it too, helped. I’ve become much more open, due almost entirely to a friend whom I love very much, who constantly makes me feel at ease, while prodding at me to come out of my shell.
    I still suffer badly from bouts of depression, and, probably always will. It’s sort of like living near a power station… a constant, low level hum in my every day existence. Some days are great, some days are dreadful, and somedays are neutral.
    I fret, and worry, and struggle all the time, trying to decide what to show my children, and what to keep from them, so I don’t scare them with the intensity of anything I’m feeling.
    Many days I want to give up. I feel like I can’t handle being a single mother of five children, and sometimes only stubborness sees me through.
    But, I’ve kept it together, today, and, today, that’s what matters.

    This wasn’t supposed to be this long, and certainly isn’t about me. I just wanted to let you know that you are Not alone, and, you Are amazing.
    I constantly feel ashamed, and that I am a burden, and, sadly, and more confident telling this to complete strangers than I am to the few people in my life that matter.
    I hope some day that changed, but, I think, that is more a product of how I was raised, and the lifelong habit of hiding everything, than anything else, and, if it changes, it probably won’t for years and years.

    Thank you, for helping me be brave enough to share myself, and my battle, today.
    I love you

    Not in a creepy stalker way :)

  632. I have struggled with paralyzing depression off and on for years. For the last six months, however, I have been able to say to myself “Fifteen years is giant metal chickens” and feel cheerier. I am so sorry you’ve been suffering, but please remember that if anything can change the world, it’s being really funny. Thank you.

  633. 639
    Carrie Brennan

    Just had my 13 year old son who is battling depression read this. He just went through a huge dip and is now on the other side. He said, with badly feigned sarcasm, “Why did you make me read something I know all about?” I told him it was so he knew he wasn’t alone. He smiled, do you get that? He smiled!!!Fucking amazing. Thanks.

  634. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your bravery and for touching my heart tonight. We are survivors. We do win. And, damn, do we ever fight.

    Kris recently posted Of Faust, Anniversaries, and Another Sober Night.

  635. I’m very proud of you, and grateful for you, and hopeful for you. Keep on keeping on, strong lady. Big hugs.

    Wombat Central recently posted Movie Monday – Enemy of the State.

  636. Your post makes a difference. To you, to me, to others. Be proud that you have come out the other side. You can make it through again. As to your daughter seeing, my children are 11 and 12. I don’t self-harm, but I struggle daily with bipolar and OCD. They know that how mommy copes isn’t the norm and that they can learn a different way. Hiding your disorder, while it seems like a good idea now, in the long run teaches her that it’s something to be ashamed of. And you have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s how you learned to cope. And someday you may learn a different way. I’m not saying you need to tell your daughter, but you may want to think about it.

  637. I have Asperger’s Syndrome (a form of autism), mild ADHD, and have struggled with Depression my whole life. I even wrote out a Last Will & Testament when I was 16 (but I didn’t have the balls to go through with it, Thank the good Lord). These days, I take meds, and everyone around me can tell if I’ve missed a day.

    I used to be anti-med…. Mostly because I had a kick-ass support system around me, including a hubby who picked up the slack when I was in the depths, and helped me find my way back. Then I hit rock bottom while my DH was away on a Deployment (he’s now retired but used to be in the Navy). I went on the meds to survive the deployment and be able to effectively parent my 3 Asperger’s/Autistic kids & help them deal with Daddy’s deployment.

    The meds made such a difference for me. I’m not an emotional zombie. I still have highs and lows. And lows. And when the lows hit, I wonder if my meds need adjusting. I never want to hit that rock bottom again, and there is always that nagging fear that I will.

    Thank you. Your blog makes me laugh, and helps me to know that I’m not alone. You are stronger than you know. You’re a fucking badass rawkstar, and the world is better place with you in it.

    Lorraine recently posted A Very Aspie Rudolf.

  638. You are an inspiration. I suffered with depression a while back and I suffered alone. My (now ex) husband refused to believe that anything was wrong and balked at the idea of me going to see a doctor because it was money that we didn’t have and didn’t need to spend. Fortuantly I was the controller of the checkbook so he never had to know when I went. I finally told him, and he resigned himself to it only because he knew I was getting better, even though he wouldn’t talk to me about it. It’s painful. Its quiet. It’s dark. It’s lonely. I felt like such a loser admitting that I was on medication for depression because no one near me understood and they didn’t care. They didn’t suffer, so it surely couldn’t be as bad as I was making it sound. Please keep talking about it. You have a way with words that will make people understand that much more just how debilitating it is. I couldn’t make people understand, but you can and its so encouraging and uplifiting to finally hear someone say something. Anything. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

    Audra recently posted Ho Ho Hum!.

  639. My mom is fighting anxiety disorder, just diagnosed not even a year ago. She had an awful childhood. I have no idea how to deal with this…it’s frustrating, she has memory loss for some reason. With HIPPA I cannot get info from her dr who is also mine. We were there for Christmas Eve and the evening was a real eye opener. She is not who she used to be….thanks for being public about this, maybe I can learn something.

    Good luck, stay strong! :)

    Centsible Girl (Denise) recently posted Huge List Of Hot New Coupons! EverCreme, All, Sensodyne, L'Oreal, Dimetapp, So Much More!.

  640. Keep fighting. Make depression your bitch. You are brave for posting this!

    Ashley recently posted The Art Of Hoop Dancing.

  641. Jenny, I applaud you. You are a survivor facing a fight more difficult than most. As a mental health therapist and a person who has struggled with depression for most of her life, I understand the difficulty of winning any battle with it. The war with depression is far from over, but you’ve won this battle and let the depression bastards have it.

    So you self-harm. So what? I told a client not too long ago that if cutting makes her feel better than she should do it. I asked her what her plan was if she cut too deep by accident. When the session was over she reached over and hugged me. “Thank you for not telling me that I am *not* crazy for cutting. You understand.” Self harm is better than dying. If it can control the feelings of depression for a little while, do it and don’t apologize. There will come a day when you don’t need to do it anymore.

  642. Your bravery and honesty is astounding and refreshing.

    We’re all in this together. <3

  643. I’ve struggled with the same for the last 12 years but have been in remission of depressive symptoms for about a year and a half. I’m a social worker and have studied and felt depression thoroughly yet your post has left me shaken, not in a bad way, but in a way that only happens when something touches my soul. I self harmed for 2 years. The last time was when I was 18, in a bathroom at a retreat with 40+ people who would have talked me through it instead. I guess I felt that they were tired of talking me through. It’s a feeling I still struggle with- that people are just tired of listening to me. I know my statement is true and untrue.
    Thank you for your honesty and I will pray for you and your support system.

  644. Hi, I’m 27 years old. I’ve been dealing with depression since I was about 11 and whether the people in my life have known and chosen to ignore it or have just been completely been oblivious, I haven’t had the support to lean on when I most needed somebody. When I read this though it reminded me that there is always that glimmer of hope and that maybe one day I will find the strength inside of me to be as open about my depression as you have been with yours. So I thank you that.

  645. I’m just one of these hundreds of replies. I am not even a regular reader, my best friend is…she links me the funny things like the cat on the head and Beyonce the monster metal chicken. You make me laugh. That is such an amazing super power. This post made me cry-in a good way. I feel like this so much-even down to the song. It’s been one of my favorites since I first heard it ‘all you can do is try to know who your friends are when you heard out to the war.’ It’s powerful and it means so much to me because I forget so often I have people that will be there for me when I am feeling so alone. I’m glad you are sharing the song as a link to others. Your words: “Silent, bloody battles that end with secret victors who can’t celebrate without shame.” Those words mean a lot to me. I am a secret victor. I celebrate in my own head and hope no one even notices anywhere else because when they do it feels like another battle I have to fight again. But I know the battles I have won and now I know battles you win and I am proud of you, too. Thank you for writing this. It’s very touching. I am glad my best friend linked it to me, it has a permanent place in my favorites now. 3 days. Good luck in one more and one more after that and so on. <3

  646. Thank you. I lurk but never comment but needed to say I love you to pieces and I suffer too. It’s hard because mom’s aren’t supposed to be sick. So every day I pop my crazy-meds and do my best. I’ll be wearing my silver ribbon now, and when someone asks what it’s for — I’ll let them know. I’m not ashamed, my pills make everyone around me 75% less annoying!

  647. Thank you. Just thank you. <3

    Rachel Baron recently posted Best use of a new camera...EVER!.

  648. It is people like you who are and will continue to be responsible for the demolition of mental illness barriers. Once they come down, think of how many will benefit… and survive. So be proud. Be very, VERY proud!!

  649. You win, and your family, friends and readers win too. We’re also celebrating, you may not see the high 5s or hear the cheers of ‘she made it through!’ but they are there. I’m grateful we have smart people *starting* to understand more about how to help, and that my friends who struggle with depression and other challenges have support and drugs to keep them safe when the lights go dim for awhile. :::Hugs:::

  650. I wish I could kill the lying voices for always for everyone.
    Look in the mirror and be PROUD! I work with Jr. Highers and I totally
    Understand the lure of self- harm. Emotional pain
    Is so complicated and physical pain so simple. Fight on!!

  651. I went through a brief period of depression ( caused by a physical/metabolic issue)…..and it was the most frightening/draining thing I’ve ever experienced….. my heart breaks for all who experience it on a regular basis…and I’m so thankful you have shared…..so many people feel alone…and it takes a real person ( not a commercial, not a celebrity) to really help remind them that they are not. <3 to you.

  652. 658
    Anonymouse

    For those of you with no insurance, Walgreens has a low-cost prescription plan. I heard about it when I connected with an unemployed old friend who turned out to be on the same anti-depressant that I was on. It’s 12 dollars for 90-day supply.

  653. There isn’t much that hasn’t been said already, but I would like to add my own thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad that you found the courage to share your story with those of us priviledged enough to find it, or in my case be directed to it by one of your faithful followers. I grew out of hero’s about 30 years ago, but I think you would be a forerunner for the position now. I have fought this battle for 46 years now, and somedays I feel like I am winning, and then comes the days when if I failed any worse it would be fatal. Kudo’s for your recent victory and you have my sincere wishes for many more victories to come

  654. I haven’t had a bout of severe depression since August of last year. And after having watched “wtf do we know?” I took my cutting into a new direction. Into my left forearm I wrote “Love”. And now when I have the smaller (but not exactly easier) bouts, I look at the scars from that severe one. My arm reminds me that I love myself. At my best AND my worst. I haven’t cut myself since.
    Be proud. It is a dark path that has no light until you’re coming out of it. Just try to remember, we are all there, whether you see us or not. xoxo

    Shay recently posted My phone makes me look naughty.

  655. Hiding such feelings does nothing but make them more able to lie to those in their grip. Thank for you writing about it! You are so strong to pull back the curtain and bring this to light.

  656. I’d be lying if I said I knew what it was like, but I’m glad to here that you are still fighting and winning. Even those of us who can’t feel your pain are rooting for you. Thank you for all the posts and for making my wife and I smile on a regular basis.

  657. You are amazing.
    My own worst bout with depression and anxiety lasted from October 2009 throughout most of 2010. I actually left work because of it; I was too burned out, too stressed out, needed to take some time to heal. Took more time than I meant to which of course lead to an awful guilt cycle which didn’t help matters. And I’m normally a very happy, cheerful, optimistic person, which makes it all the weirder when I get depressed since the cognitive dissonance makes me all the more angry about it. I’m blessed that I’ve never had the impulse to self harm but I know friends who did that for many years and you’re right that it’s something that’s impossible to understand unless you’re going through it… but I’m glad you have support. Support is crucial. And support reminds you of what you have to fight for – yourself, but not just for yourself. Yourself for them, too.

  658. Jenny,
    Thanks for this. Your humor is wonderful and outrageous, and has a positive, even transformative effect. But we don’t depend on that, or for the Moon to be shot every time. And you don’t owe that to us. We know that you know that, especially having written this post. But I wanted to put it here.
    I have some similar problems. So many do, as evident from just the comments here. I’ve been on Twitter less than a year. I dumped a couple previous accounts because I was so awkward in trying to be funny to people, I felt mortified. Nonetheless my writing was honed, and I’ve discovered people I really want to follow because I LIKE them.
    The slightest positive interaction is still positive, even just reading someone who makes you laugh, or think, or both. All I know for certain is that you’ve had a positive effect, on me and clearly many others. I’m not sure you DO know just how much Love you have in The Only Bank That Counts.
    We *require* nothing from you. We ask only that you continue the good work on yourself, and be unafraid and “un-guilty” to lean on others, and even collapse here and there before you get back up. We are humans, not lone, monolithic Kodiak bears or tigers. Our need for each other is one of the things that defines us.

  659. I hear you and I thank you for putting into words what so many feel. You are helping so many to know they, we, aren’t alone. Thank you.

  660. Depression is a bitch.

    My mother has suffered, and fought throughout her life, and throughout her four children’s lives. There have been times my father has been close to calling someone for help. My older sister has it, and a few years ago there was a two hour drive done very, very quickly, because it seemed she would do something to herself.

    But there is light! My sister is off of meds, and about to give birth to the most beautiful daughter in the world (my God-Child), after the loss of two others. She, and Darcy-to-be, are healthy, strong and happy.

    My mother is finding ways to cope and continue.

    The fight goes on, and those fighting it are strong. And those who stand by the people fighting are also to be admired. Your husband is a wonderful man, and you are a wonderful woman.

  661. Thank you. You are very special, Jenny!

  662. Thank you. You are very special, Jenny!

  663. You are amazing. And amazingly brave. I’m proud to call myself one of your Twitter followers.

  664. Thank you for reminding me how big even the little victories are. We keep them private, but your courage to voice them out loud is inspiring me to keep winning. The fear is always there, but you’ve reminded me that the biggest step is taken. All the best.

  665. Thank you!

  666. This was beautiful. Our brains are our own worst enemies sometimes. Keep fightin’, soldier.

    Rev. Back It On Up 13 recently posted Forehead of the Week! Uma Thurman.

  667. I appreciate your honesty and so thankful to know that I am not alone with this struggle. You make me laugh and that makes the world a bit brighter!

  668. I can’t say that I understand every iota of this, because I don’t. I have had my own issues with depression, however, and one bit stood out to me in particular:

    “afraid that people will worry, and more afraid that they won’t”

    Thank you for putting this into words. Thank you SO SO SO SO much. With everything I’ve gone through in the past months…we need to stick together, even if we don’t personally understand everyone’s different kind of depression. We all need the support, no matter what’s going on. My thoughts are with you and I’m glad you had the courage to write and post this.

  669. Thank you, Jenny.

  670. THANK YOU for this!
    I don’t mean to talk about myself on your blog, but I have suffered the depths of hell for going on 7 years straight now ( Lyme Disease and the deeeeeeeep depression/anxiety that comes with it ). I used to be around 500 people a day when I was healthy, and would call all of them “friend”. Let me just say, I bought 3 Christmas gifts this Christmas in case one of my three remaining friends dropped by to visit ( I’m completely housebound now ). I still have 2 gifts sitting here unopened…waiting to see if anybody else drops by. When I got sick, people disappeared left and right. It wasn’t cancer, so whatever was killing me wasn’t worthy of their time. They would actually have to deal with me face to face because there were no 5k’s to run or walk-a-thons to wear their pink tee shirts at. I guess they decided I wasn’t worth it. ( I will admit, I get so pissed every October when I see my former friends fall all over themselves to participate in breast cancer events, where they get recognition for doing so and for being so supportive of the cause. I do NOT minimize the pain and suffering of breast cancer…just get pissed that most people believe it’s the only worthy cause and the only disease worth supporting those who have it. I lost a 23 year old cousin to bc last year, so please don’t hate on me for speaking how I feel. It was HARD to be in my bed, sick and alone and unable to move on my birthday, while everybody loved on her at a party.
    I feel like a dolt for posting this on your blog. Couldn’t help myself, though. It needed to come out.
    Thank you, again, for this post. So so soooooo glad you are feeling better!

  671. There is nothing to be ashamed of about a mental disorder. You should however feel some serious shame for taking so darn long to get on the Doctor Who bandwagon. Or maybe because you wore a real live, dead, wolf to the twillight movie. Or maybe …. I was going to mention Beyonce but I can’t think of anything because she is so awesome.

    Ronnie Douglas recently posted Speeding (It's bad, so they tell me).

  672. Jenny, you continue to amaze and inspire many people, including those of is who nave never suffered from depression ourselves but who love someone who has. Someone very, very close to me suffered fromdepression and self harmed for a long time, and it makes me so happy that both he and you are working to help overcome this disease.

    Carolyn recently posted Bargain fragrance sets? Sign me up!.

  673. You but the thoughts in my head into eloquent prose. Although I do not self-harm, I do suffer from anxiety and depression. I don’t even know if anyone ouside of my immediate family knows that I take antidepressants, but I do.

    I’m inspired by your honesty and bravery. I don’t think I could say it any better then you have and when I get the courage I will post about my struggle and include the link to your true and honest words.

    Thank you. Knowing none of us are alone in this battle brings me comfort.

  674. Some how I feel better about being somewhere near commenter number 700. I’m crying as I read this, knowing all too well the damage that depression can and will do; to the lives of those of us that suffer from it and all those we love.

    I know I’ll never meet you but if I did you would get a giant hug and a bucket full of tears from me. I totally understand, Jenny, and I’m celebrating for you.

  675. Jenny – you will always be our Bloggess, and we will always be your Angry Villagers. Thanks for sharing this – it did a lot of good, maybe more than you can imagine.

    Cheers!
    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted <i>Rachael vs. Guy:</i> Eight Celebrities Compete.

  676. I’m proud of you!! Thank you for posting this, as scary as it is to get those thoughts out there in the world.

  677. Good for you! One thing I’ve learned over the years (through my own bouts of depression) is that we are not kind enough to ourselves. We judge ourselves way to harshly…more so than anyone around us. No one is without mistakes, problems etc. They make us who we are and the world is a more interesting place because of it. So..my words of wisdom…forgive yourself for your “weakness” and pat yourself on the back for every achievement (be your own personal cheerleader). Be kind to your self and soul. :)

  678. Thank you, so bloody much for writing this. I was diagnosed with Border Line Personality Disorder. Mixed with Manic Depression and Anxiety Disorder. I’m a whole box of fun that also includes Self Harming. I’m similar to you, where it’s not enough to get my committed but enough to suck the life out of you and everyone around you.
    You are an inspiration to all of us out there. I hide behind my mental illness. I live in the shadow everyday. I only have told one person who is not my family. You make me want to scream it from the mountains and bash people over the head with it. I don’t want to live my life in the shame of this anymore.
    Thank you Jenny.
    I believe your words will help people more than you will ever expect them too.
    I know they have for me.
    mad love
    A

  679. You are so strong. Every day, you not only win against this vicious monster, you make us laugh, or nod at your wisdom, and often both. And we love you for it, even though we are officially strangers.

    Scoop recently posted Each of Us Has a Name.

  680. I often cry tears of laughter reading your posts. Today I cried tears of empathy and understanding. I have never self-harmed, but I have been in that deep, dark place called depression and I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks in addition. It is so hard to talk about, but it is so important that we do, as we can. Because everyone–EVERYONE–goes through dark periods and no one is truly alone if they reach out.

    Thank you for this post…and my sincerest best wishes for your continued recovery and well-being.

  681. You’re brave. I’m guessing that you hit “publish” and then held your breath waiting for the responses to start rolling in. I hope that you see just how many people are pulling for you. I wish I were as brave to put my truths out there. One day. One day.

    Kristin recently posted 2012.

  682. I’m stunned, humbled, and in awe of your searing honesty. I have never suffered from depression but have had loved ones who have. I find your voice incredibly illuminating. I wish you many more victories against the darkness.

  683. Jenny,
    Thank you for this post. I, too, struggle with depression and anxiety (as well as an eating disorder…that’s my self-harm of “choice”), and I just wanted you to know that I get it. I’ve been there, I understand, and I am so happy to hear that you’re starting to come out of it. You are strong. You can do this. And this entry has probably helped more people than you can even imagine. Peace and love to you.

  684. I’m celebrating you right now. Congratulations. Keep fighting Jenny. There are plenty of people cheering for you and I’m one of them. :)

    Kaetrin recently posted Men Under the Mistletoe anthology.

  685. Thank you for posting such a beautiful and honest entry today. I am 33 years old and have suffered from depression for the better part of 23 years. You worded it so lovely when you said those that suffer from depression suffer and go into remission, only no one ever praises our bravery. I’ve been lucky to come across a few people in my life that I could fully lean on and that would shout to the heavens when I went “into remission” and emerged from my personal dark hell….those dark corners of my mind that I could not escape. I continue to struggle on a daily basis with my depression and I, too, self-harm. I do it more often than I would like and my own sense of shame keeps me from confiding in those that I know would support me. But I have a wonderful therapist that I reach out to in those dark moments. I bare my scars, both literal and intangible, to her and she guides me through the hell that I feel is my own only sanctuary most days.

    Today was a bright & sunny day. You wouldn’t have known it because the skies were gloomy and the winds howled, but it was sunny in my mind because I got a break from the depression. My boyfriend hugs me and smiles, happy to see that side of me again. He’ll still love me even when I’m Debbie Downer again because he knows it will pass.

    Thank you, again, for being so brave. Both in your fight against your demons and for you candid honesty today. I felt less like a freakshow and more like a hero in my own right. Keep on fighting the good fight!

  686. Jenny,

    I suffer from Severe Depression, Seasonal Affective Disorder, and ADD. I know what you go through and it is awful. People will casually say “I’m depressed” all the time without truly understanding what it means. People who experience it in it’s milder form due to stress may think they understand….but as someone who lived with it her whole life (yes, even as a child)…it never really leaves.

    The fact is that I am on heavy medications that I have to take every day to be a functional, responsible adult who can get out of bed to get her daughter to school…and go to school herself. Even on the meds I go through bad periods, I sometimes have insomnia, I procrastinate and worry, and when winter comes the battle gets harder.

    I really wish that more people would recognize and understand what a challenging situation people with severe mood disorders face. Also that more people could understand that what they are dealing with is serious and there is help for it.

    I love that you are speaking out about this because you have so many faithful readers. Maybe they didn’t realize it was a serious problem or someone they know has a mood disorder and needs help..

    p.s. there is a book called ‘Father Melancholy’s Daughter’ that you might like to read.

    Love!

  687. I applaud your bravery and honesty. ((((((Hugs)))))).

    Sock Girl recently posted New Year’s Eve 2011.

  688. thank you for sharing this battle and reminding people that we all have struggles…some of them can’t be seen. Much love to you, Jenny!

  689. The bravest thing anyone can do is to face the things in life that frighten them. You have already won the battle by staring this in the face and fighting it head on. You are a true bad ass and an extremely witty writer. You got this.

  690. (((((hugs))))

  691. Thank you. It is so important to remember that it does get better. That is what keeps me pushing through to the other side. Love you even though you don’t know me. You are a super-star and depression doesn’t change that, kinda makes you all the more impressive because you are awesome anyway.

  692. I’m proud of you for sharing what is often a secret fight with such candor. You help so many people simply by being honest, simply by fighting on, and simply fighting the stigma associated with mental illness. You are a brave warrior!

  693. Congratulations on having the courage not just to write it, but also to post it. You are actually not the same person to me today as you were yesterday – today you are stronger. *hugs*

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  1. The Power of Support January 3, 2012

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