If it's Monday then this must be San Antonio

I’m still on tour and I’m in San Antonio today so come see me if you can! Tour details are right here.  If not, you can just read the continuing chronicles of my best-of series.  This post was from 2011…

Last weekend at a thrift shop I found a small, stuffed monkey, which seemed to have some sort of snout leprosy and would probably murder us in our sleep.

I named him “Copernicus”.

Copernicus.

I immediately picked the monkey up and turned to Victor with wide eyes, as I struggled to keep my voice down to a whisper so that the shop-girl wouldn’t realize how much I was interested.

me:  Victor.  Oh.  Em.  Gee.

Victor:  Oh, holy shit.  Put that thing down.

me:  Are you fucking crazy?  HE NEEDS US.  Plus, he is made of awesome.  And nightmares.

Copernicus: MISTER, CAN YOU SPARE A HUG?

Victor:  Did you just make that monkey talk?

Copernicus:  A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.

Victor:  What is wrong with you?

me:  OH MY GOD, HE’S FANTASTIC.  Plus, he just used “strangle” as a noun.  Who does that?  Copernicus the homicidal monkey, that’s who.

Copernicus:  YOUR FACE LOOKS DELICIOUS.  I WILL CHEW ON IT WHILE YOU SLEEP.

me:  See.  He just gave you a compliment.

Then I followed Victor around the store, speaking in a squeaky monkey voice and trying to convince him that Copernicus would save us money because I could use him to make home-made Valentines for our kid to hand out at school.  But he was $15 and that’s a lot of money to spend on a haunted monkey, so I set it on the counter and prepared to haggle with the girl running the shop.

me:  I realize you’re probably very attached to this monkey as you can see his potential, but I was wondering if $15 was really the best you could do.  Because he’s missing a lot of his face.

shop-girl: I just work here.  I’m not really allowed to made deals.

me:  He smells like what I would imagine syphilis smells like.

shop-girl:  What did you have in mind?

me:  Um…$10?

shop-girl:  How about $7?

me:  I think you don’t know how negotiations work.

shop-girl:  Honestly, I don’t want to have to touch it to put it back on the shelf.

me:  SOLD.  No bag necessary.  I’ll carry him out.

Victor:  LIKE HELL YOU WILL.  That thing is not touching my car.

me:  He doesn’t mean that, Copernicus.

Shop-girl: Paper?  Plastic?

Victor:  How about something burlap?  On fire.

me:  He can ride home on your shoulder!  You’ve always wanted a monkey!

Victor:  What?  I’ve never wanted a monkey.

me:  EVERYONE WANTS A MONKEY.

Victor:  Not me.

me:  Well…that’s what’s wrong with you.

Victor:  I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOU PAID $7 FOR THAT.

me:  I KNOW, RIGHT?!

(We were both yelling, but for two entirely different reasons.)

Copernicus:  WHERE DO YOU GUYS KEEP THE KNIVES?

Victor:  SHUT UP, COPERNICUS.

**********

UPDATED:  I’ve already made the first three valentines day cards and I’m pretty sure Hallmark will be calling me this week.

This one feels a little dark for first graders, so I’m going to save it until next year. Because I’m a caring parent.

PS.  Why, yes, actually you can buy Copernicus Cards.

Homicidal monkey cards for hopeless romantics: series 12 and 3

167 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Cue Sarah Mclachlan’s “In the arms of an angel.”

  2. You should totally rent him out for family portraits and senior pictures!

    Mom In Two Cultures recently posted The Family Portrait.

  3. Love Copernicus!! Finally, a post that I’m rereading and still loving!! Have fun in San Antonio!! My cousin just left there. I wish I was there. Enjoy your day, Jenny!! :-)

  4. Whahahaha… this is the loudest I ever laughed with a first-time visit to a blog! Just found you through Brené but I’ll be sure to stay :)

  5. If he was hugging a porcelain doll it would be perfection!

  6. Thank you for reporting! This is one of my all-time favorites of your posts. And thank you – “A hug is just a strangle you haven’t finished yet” has made it into the everyday lexicon of my friends. It’s appropriate in so many contexts!!

  7. Just finished the book over the weekend! So excellent.

    And it was listed as a “Feature Book” on Google Play when I came into work this morning! Congratulations!!!

    Whitney Kippes (@Ms_Kippes) recently posted Inspiring A Coup.

  8. I’m with Victor on that one. Burn it before it burns you.

  9. It’s true, *everyone* wants a monkey! Copernicus is super cool. :) Hope you’re having fun on tour! Also hoping you’ll come to the UK someday…

    Oly recently posted Help make it safe to talk about mental health.

  10. because you have a stuffed monkey named copernicus that smells like syphilis. ONE of the reasons hubby has to watch our four kids while i go to barnes and noble tonight to SEE YOU!!! awesomeness. (i will be the person who is smiling like a high, giddy child) (hubby totally does not understand the attraction and might be a little pissed at me…oh, well).

    Monica DeLaCruz recently posted The Genius Book of World Records (because it's that good).

  11. one of your best posts ever. I am still totally in love with Copernicus!

    Sj recently posted "There's no satisfaction for a man, unless.....".

  12. LOL I wish I had a little stuffed monkey. I need to start shopping at YOUR thrift stores!

    The Rebel Chick recently posted Hotel Coupons Helps You Travel with a $200 American Express Card Sweepstakes!.

  13. REMEMBER THE ALAMO!!!!

  14. Who’s coming with you tonight? Juanita? Copernicus? James Garfield? Beyonce? (B&N has an elevator for her) Ferris Mewler? All of them? :D

  15. I see your tour is taking you to Austin soon. I was there last Fall and had the delightful experience of venturing into Uncommon Goods and spying the stuffed squirrel “band” high upon a shelf. Sadly for me it was stupid expensive and they wouldn’t allow photos, but the scary-sweet treasures in there are worth the detour if you have time!

  16. I kid you not, Copernicus is a dead ringer for my own childhood stuffed toy (which I still have but he’s too old to spank). Do you think they might have been separated at birth perhaps? My monkey has much bigger ears though. In fact, they are more like “Tale of Despereaux” way too big for his head. {He’s almost 50 years old so I’m going to not pick on him}. Enjoy San Antonio. I won’t be there until tomorrow so sorry I’ll miss you. However, do let me know if you need any margarita flight instructions.

    David recently posted The Art of Getting Wet.

  17. A hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet.
    That needs to be a needlepoint pillow. In my guest room. Wonder if that’d freak out my guests…

    Allyn recently posted Weekend Update: Saturday Morning.

  18. I’ve re-read this blog post on multiple occasions.
    And it just keeps on giving & giving.
    A lot like Copernicus and his transmittable diseases, in fact.

    Claire J recently posted The Rhein Runs Through It.

  19. You know, I think that all monkeys are homicidal. Not just Copernicus. I think you should slip out of bed early one morning and leave Copernicus on your pillow so it is the first thing Victor sees in the morning.

    Holly Folly recently posted Flowers are Going to Bust a Move..

  20. I think you are pioneering a whole new career path for our nations youth. Screw going to college and becoming a doctor. Buying dead animals and creating memes is the new economy.

    Rob R recently posted Getting Out of Our Comfort Zone.

  21. Jenny, I know you probably will never see this comment, but I just wanted to tell you that I received your book on Saturday and am halfway through it. After the first few chapters, I totally understood why you are the way you are! It is some good writing in that way, I have to say! And also the chapter on taking your daughter to the pool had me laughing so hard that no sound was coming out. My cats were afraid! Thank you so much for your book!

    Wendi recently posted Favorite Things Friday.

  22. There is a fine line between wanting to hug someone and strangle them. Sometimes in the middle of the hug I just want to squeeze a little too tight…

    Stephanie recently posted The Penis Meatloaf.

  23. Have fun in San Antonio. Visit the Alamo, if you can because it’s always fun hearing about seiges and how John Wayne fought so bravely.

    I’m a little surprised you don’t offer a Copernicus replica with purchase of your book. Maybe next time…

    dumb{squared} recently posted Somewhere in the world, my doppelgänger just exploded into confetti.

  24. P.S. I read that last line as “Homicidal monkey cards for HOMELESS romantics”. I think I’m starting to anticipate your eccentricity while I read your posts now.

    oops.

    Tina recently posted Conversations With Erik Cont..

  25. I am totally coming to see you tonight! I just discovered your blog yesterday and spent about six hours reading and laughing, much to the dismay of my roommate.. Can’t wait!

  26. I’m following Copernicus on Facebook. He’s a scary bastard. Funny, but also funny scary.

    NewMommyConfessions (@NewMommyConfess) recently posted World Book Night 2012.

  27. Everyone really does want a monkey. Seriously. Victor doth protest too much.

    Jim W. recently posted Thank you! (Week 1).

  28. Welcome back to Texas kiddo. Be sure to have some good Mexican food while you’re home. I’m gonna try to swing by and see you when you’re in Houston.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Something that will make almost everyone smile….

  29. This post is why you’re awesome. Can’t wait to see you tonight at the book signing.

    Lisa @ A Little Slice of Life recently posted CVS Deals, Freebies and Money Makers 4/22-4/28.

  30. I remember this one and it is just as funny now. I am assuming you still have it and Victor hasn’t thrown it in the garbage.

    Brett Minor recently posted Getting Tired of Hospitals - OR - (screaming) Oh, Kelly Clarkson.

  31. More dead animals, even if they are recycled dead animals.

    In both the literal and blog-post-from-2011 ways. Lol.

    Good luck at your signing. And your singing. Since that is how I spelled it the first time.

    Stephanie C | Seriously? Really?? Seriously? recently posted Easy Bean Salad Recipe (gluten free, too).

  32. This may be the last time I check in with your travels while having breakfast, but awesome.

  33. You have a weird brain. I like it.

    Caryn recently posted Telegrams are Awesome.

  34. I’m about halfway through your book & all I can say is I didn’t think it was possible to love your special brand of craziness anymore than I did, but I do.

  35. Thank you. You have no idea how hard I just had to work to stifle a laugh.

    Corey Feldman recently posted Egret and the Starry Night.

  36. I think he’s awesome and $7 is a great deal. I agree, everyone wants a monkey, you should put a little diaper and button up shirt on him.

    Vicky recently posted Where's My Monkey?.

  37. Jenny, I am so happy to not have to be merely polite when I say that I am loving the book already. Only a few chapters in so far, but man I was cracking up over Rambo the raccoon and his Jams. I would say that I “LOL-ed out loud”, because it’s true, and I’m pretty sure I woke up one of my children. I think I’m going to print out the picture of Copernicus to shove in their faces if they get out of their beds the next time this happens, which will probably be tonight when I’m reading again.

    I hope you are enjoying this ride to its fullest, it is so well-deserved! If you’re able to add a tour date in Chicago, let me know!

  38. It is obvious that even though Victor loves you madly he doesn’t fully grasp the complexity of saving lost taxidermied animals. This is a critical part of the process! You need these things in order to make the world a better place.

    Copernicus. I need a strangle …um …..no….. I mean hug ……yeah hug!

    I am a sad little human far away that can’t come meet your mommy and it makes me even sadder. She saved you from the evil shop of horrors and I want to tell her that we thank her for her kindness.

    Sweety Darlin recently posted Crazy Wino Roommate Girlfriend!.

  39. This is one of my very favorites. Along with the homework assignment about Copernicus. Did you ever hear back from that teacher?

  40. Copernicus! How nice to read about him once again.
    Wish I could go meet you at one of your signings. One of the disadvantages of leaving far from everything.

    Carol recently posted Of being stabbed and learning lessons..

  41. Copernicus should go to Key West and visit Robert the Doll. They look like they could be friends.

    Expat-Mom recently posted Awkward Moments – Why do we self-inflict the awkwardness?.

  42. Oh, and now that I know (from your book) that the alligator came from NC, I feel all the more like you OWE it to us to add Raleigh, NC to your tour! Plllleeeeeeaaaassssee? And now I’m totally wondering if Victor knows a medical software person (friend of mine) in Chapel Hill. I would FREAK OUT if I found out he was here to meet with Sandy……

  43. 45
    Joy at Joyfulthings

    He’s hideous – he’s beautiful!

  44. oMG. I just laughed til I cried.
    You are warped, and i love you.
    And I think I love Victor, too. He seems the perfect sidekick for your particular brand of hysterical insanity.

  45. Copernicus is right. Like Judy Tenuta said, “Friends are just enemies who don’t have the guts to kill you!”

  46. Seriously, Copernicus is better than anything they sell at Paxton Gate. Although yes, that place is awesome if you happen to have a million dollars to spend on a taxidermied lion. I’ll just keep finding my dead stuff in the woods for free, thanks. LOVED hearing you read on Friday night, beautiful lady. Such a pleasure to now have your actual voice in my head when I read the blog. XOXOXOXOXOX

    Ariane recently posted plan + surprise = great weekend.

  47. I’ll be there !!!!!

  48. Yes, I’m reading this in a public potty. And yes, I’m laughing out loud. I have no shame. This is one odd the most hilarious posts. Thank you for making my day better. Oh and for making my bathroom break more enjoyable :-)

  49. Copernicus is right about hugs.
    Like Judy Tenuta said, “Friends are just enemies who don’t have the guts to kill you!”

    Jenny recently posted Backpack!.

  50. Sry not odd, auto correct, meant of

  51. Seriously, who DOESN’T want a monkey? at least until they try to strangle, I mean HUG you in your sleep :)

    XLMIC recently posted Workout Week in Review 4/16-4/22...and giveaway!.

  52. One of the best ever, I think this is what got me hooked.
    P.S. I am LOVING the book so far! Even though it really DOESN’T have a secret code word. ;-)
    P.S.S. It really SHOULD have a secret code word. I’m hoping this comes to fruition in a later chapter.

  53. This is soooo eerie…I’m planning to see you tonight in SA and I awoke thinking of Copernicus! Hope you bring him with you (please!?!)

  54. You’re such a lifesaver! Now I know what I’ll be sending out for Valentine’s Day next year – or as it’s known in our house: the single worst day of the entire year. Love your book!

    Stephanie recently posted Cinco de Mayo Countdown - Part One.

  55. Jenny, That is an awesome post about finding Copericus. Also I wanted to tell you that I finished your book, loved it and do not be surprised when it hits the top 10 or whatever in book lists. I think it’s that good. XXX (thrown) but no hugs because of the Copericus thing.

  56. I just laughed so hard I’m crying. I somehow missed this the first time around but laughed/cried hysterically about the snake and mongoose too!

    Queen of All Things Good recently posted Zombies and Ninjas and Roller Derby, Oh My!!.

  57. Damn, I love Copernicus. He reminds me of my Lambykins Lamby isn’t as moth eaten, but has frequently been accused of having a secret life that involves a gambling addiction and some wild parties. He wears a button that says “I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.”

  58. This was probably my favorite post of yours (maybe second to Beyonce). I love me some Copurnicus so hard. I even sent a friend one of your cards for her birthday and it was EPIC. Love!

    Misty recently posted My Super Dooper Looper Week.

  59. “A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET” – I want that on….something. A T-Shirt, a bumper sticker, a crocheted thingy on my wall, with a little crocheted Copernicus.

    I share the dream of one day owning a monkey, either that or one of those awesome fainting goats, who I will name “Narcilepto”

  60. Luckiest day of my life. Well, not nearly as lucky as when I found that website in Macedonia that would sell me surgical and anesthesia supplies without the necessary credentials, but pretty damn close.

  61. I got your book in the mail on Friday and am trying to read it slowly to make it last longer. It is incredibly funny and I even love the quotes on the back about it. I have been reading selections aloud to my friends. Wish you were doing a signing in Philadelphia! Thanks for the book!

  62. This is unrelated to the topic of this post, but I saw the following article in Scientific American and thought of you (as does, probably, EVERYONE who sees that article). Why? It contains the sentence “Twine was once a contraband item”. http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/anthropology-in-practice/2012/04/23/the-illegal-trade-of-twine/

    Congratulations on all your book signings! I note with pleasure that your book is the first, yes, the first that shows up on the iBook store page on my iPad. I don’t mean the page of books that I own. I mean the page of books that they are marketing.

  63. 65
    Ms. Plaid Dressy Pants

    Not gonna lie….. while I love Copernicus, his FB page got a bit dark…. I had to block him. But he is still adorably homicidal.

    Ms. Plaid Dressy Pants recently posted I might murder someone at Walmart.

  64. I still laughed my ass off while rereading this. Love it!

    Devon recently posted Fire In Ice by Devon Stewart.

  65. Dear Jenny,

    We have been listening to your audiobook in the evenings. When I woke up last night to nurse my baby, I was mostly asleep. As one is. I was convinced I’d been listening to your book while asleep. More specifically I was sure you’d been trying to convince me Steve Jobs would be resurrected if we just recycled enough. Sort of like Tinker Bell comes back to life if enough children clap their hands.

    I’m pretty sure it was a dream, anyhow.

    Cheers, chrysoula

    Chrysoula recently posted Illumination 10.1: Tracking Targets.

  66. Did you leave Victor home alone with Copernicus? ‘Cause now I’m worried.

    V-Grrrl @ Compost Studios recently posted I need to take my own advice.

  67. Ok, the monkey is somewhere between creepy and awesome :) And I wish my negotiations went like that…

    Heidi recently posted What animal are you today??.

  68. I have to confess I came a little late to the party and HAD NEVER READ THAT BIT OF AWESOME before. I’m sorry. Now I need to clean up my desk, from Coke-spit.

  69. I have to confess I came a little late to the party and HAD NEVER READ THAT BIT OF AWESOME before. I’m sorry. Now I need to clean up my desk, from Coke-spit.

    Cindy Reed recently posted The Mommy Wars Hunger Games..

  70. Fantastic!

    Kat Rowley recently posted Phoning It In.

  71. Two things:
    One: I saw Wil Wheaton’s evil twin at Starbucks this morning. I just thought you would like to know that he lives in Springfield, Missouri and drives an early 90′s black Volvo.

    Two: I read “Homicidal monkey cards for hopeless romantics” as HOMELESS romantics. Still funny, but for different and more tragic reasons.

  72. You’re seriously not all there. But in an awesome sort of way.

    Steve Lee recently posted KeithClyde69: @simonpegg Goodnight Mr Pegg.

  73. I love this post. And I quoted it on my FB the other day (gave credit to you, since I’m reading your book and the whole world knows it). The part where you say “a hug is a strangle you haven’t finished.” Best Jenny Lawson quote ever.

    …in fact i want to make that my new email signature line. (attributed to you, of course, because you are awesome and everyone needs to own your book.)

    red recently posted Farewell, my Buddha!.

  74. Copernicus is a very special (sociopathic) monkey. If it weren’t noon on a Monday, I’d raise a glass of something stronger than Dr. Pepper to the fuzz-challenged strangler monkey.

    Ms Hazard recently posted That’s…not how lollipops work….

  75. Fine line between hugging and strangling. . . so true, so true. . . I keep telling my four year old about that.

    Erin recently posted Reading list-In-Progress.

  76. If I was drinking something whilst reading this, I would be choking–this is one of my favorite posts form 2011. I so wish you were coming to the Philadelphia area. You are amazing!

  77. that monkey is just yuck. I’m glad I didn’t read this right before bedtime. Very creative cards however!

    Kristin recently posted Thank God there are people who understand PMDD.

  78. Pssht. Of course everyone wants a monkey. Victor.

    Melanie recently posted Like Pulling Teeth (Also, Baby Animals!).

  79. Dear Jenny,
    You are my favorite. That is all.
    -Me

    Ashleigh recently posted A Very Sad Day.

  80. I am not kidding, after the first picture I was thinking to myself that Copernicus really isn’t as creepy as I originally thought and the whole “reminds me of that evil toy monkey movie that gave me nightmares” thing was an overreaction. Then I got to the Free Hugs picture with the red added at his mouth. HOW CAN YOU SLEEP WITH THAT THING IN YOUR HOUSE?

  81. We have many, many things in our home, (like within the flipping walls unfortunately) that we keep in Zip Loc baggies. This blocks odors and allows the boys to continue to hold and palpate the unknown animal, (God, we hope) bones our boys dig up. They comply due to the reduction is hand washing requests.

    Abbie recently posted Why I will never be “Freshly Pressed”.

  82. Since I missed you in L.A., I’m sending my mother to La Cantera to get your autograph for me. =D

  83. This was one of my absolute fave posts. Thanks !

  84. Need a picture of Copernicus RIDING the giant chicken…PLEEEZE!

  85. Hahahahahahahaha X 1 trillion. That is all.

  86. I both pity and fear him.

    Jenny recently posted Backpack!.

  87. Please tell me the card money is going towards a fund to pay a therapist to get to the bottom of your disturbing need to play with animal carcasses.
    (If so, put me down for ten)

    If I were God... recently posted The Angel Struck.

  88. Ha ha! I love that you’re re-posting some of your best posts… I remember walking around all, “A hug is like a strangle you haven’t finished yet” when you first wrote this one.

  89. Ha, so that’s how Copernicus came to be. Honestly all I want now is a weird taxidermy animal of my own.

    Nicky recently posted Hamsas.

  90. Easily one of my favorite posts. I never knew how bad I wanted a homicidal monkey, until Copernicus came into my life.

    Allie recently posted Road Trip to Chicago or How I Almost Killed My Boyfriend..

  91. I just sat in a hipster cafe for two hours and laughed like an asshole at your book while two filmmakers next to me tried to figure out how to capitalize on “the peaking trend of zombies.” I didn’t want to tell them that they could never hope to best you on the zombie apocalypse front.

  92. Motherfucking amazing. Even though I’ve read this a thousand and twelve times. It will always be amazing…

  93. Absolutely one of my favorite posts ever! My kids love “Copernicus” too!

    Loida recently posted And We're Out of the Waiting Place.

  94. Copernicus never gets old….love him!

  95. I love that last Valentine so. damn. much.

    Rebecca recently posted To cut or not to cut….

  96. Jenny,

    You tell victor he is wrong everyone does want a monkey in fact I just asked for one five minutes ago!!!

    Hope you enjoy the rest of the tour, I so wish you were coming up to vancouver!!! I would be there in a heartbeat!

  97. Hope you are enjoying your visit to our little neck of the woods.

    Debi P. recently posted A Little Night Music: YOSA Gold Series Concert.

  98. Copernicus is fantastic, but the cobra/mongoose battle scene STILL gets me into stitches to this day. That is hands down some of the funniest shit ever posted online. True story.

  99. I’m sad I’m going to miss your book readings. I’m in Dallas but will be in San Antonio when you’re here…BTW – Loved your interview on CNN on the whole “mommy” wars. I agree, politicians should focus on a How to survive a zombie apocalypse plane….much more interesting.

  100. Foxen! Hilarious!

  101. So, in other words, Victor can now strangle you in your sleep and claim the monkey did it. And probably get away with it. “Justifiable homicide” intones the judge…

  102. DUDE. You got him for 7 dollars? Way to haggle.

    BTW – your book was delivered to me yesterday night. It had been raining all day, and the post office just dumped in on my front steps like total douche bags and I only discovered the package after it had suffered for hours in a thunderstorm. The cardboard box basically disintegrated once I touched it, but the book was still dry! (Okay…maybe a little damp…) but still….it was a sort of awe inspiring – like seeing Jesus in a piece of toast. Only a little bit better because toast will mold…and your book won’t. (At least, I hope not.)

    Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that since my husband is working late, I plan to go home, pour a big drink, make some guacamole and laugh myself senseless. You are a good person.

  103. I have been so saddened by your lack of presence in Washington that I started a petition. Maybe we can get someone to fly you out here. You need to be our sunshine :)

    http://www.change.org/petitions/jenny-lawson-aka-the-bloggess-add-seattle-washington-to-her-book-tour

  104. 107
    LusherLaRue

    Hallelujah! And praise the Bloggess!! Your book FINALLY arrived today. (Amazon.com is slower than my 91 year old mother.) I can’t wait to lovingly apply your bookplate and start reading! I now have something to get me through the afternoon besides caffeine.

  105. You do come up with the best names for your dead animal friends!

    Also, this? This is hilarious:
    “me: I think you don’t know how negotiations work.
    shop-girl: Honestly, I don’t want to have to touch it to put it back on the shelf.”

    Jen recently posted Slight changes!.

  106. Took your book with me on my flight to a wedding. I laughed so hard during taxi and take off, I couldn’t breathe and had tears rolling down my face. The gentalman next to me seemed concerned but not concerned enought to check in with me. My boyfriend pretended to sleep through it all. I have been forced to take multiple breaks in order to maintain some level of control yet I have already finished your book and I am considering starting it from the begining again becacue now I miss you and your family, whom I know I have never met, but I still will forever feel attached to from now on.

    All the best

  107. Your blog is the only one that makes me laugh out loud nearly every time I read an entry. I had a shit-ass day today and this just made me happy. Thanks! :)

    (P.S. I initially wrote ‘entree’ instead of ‘entry’. So strange.)
    (P.P.S. I LOVE your book!!!)

  108. I’d come see you if I could! I was reading (re-reading) about Copernicus and I think Victor and my husband were separated at birth. If only because they do not appreciate when we re-animate objects and give them voices. What’s wrong with that?

  109. I just finished your book and it was AWESOME. Thank you for all the giggles, pretty lady. It also made me sort of love taxidermied animals, which is the mark of a great book. Can’t wait for the next. <3

    Adrasteia recently posted Summer of Love Cranes, 2012.

  110. OHMYGOD Jenny! I have read this hundreds of times, and I laugh til I cry every time. I ‘ve made all of my friends read it too, and they usually have the same reaction :D

  111. i have that exact monkey that i have had since i was a kid, i’m old (48) except mine doesn’t have the leprosy snout, and i DO love him!

  112. I wish Texas weren’t so far away . . . Hope you and whichever taxidermied friends are in your suitcase are enjoying the book tour!

    Stacey recently posted The Mistake.

  113. Sitting, waiting for you to come out and join us, at Barnes and Nobles, so excited!!!!!

  114. “Copernicus: A HUG IS LIKE A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET.”

    I am in awe. Totally in awe. Har.

    Plus also, I am stealing that for my business cards.

    Enjoy San Antone.

    If the Grackles are out, be sure to take a newspaper or poop-proof umbrella.

    Or a 12 gauge.

    hogsatemysister recently posted Happy 1st Birthday Crack Puppy!.

  115. You seriously rock nuts!

  116. I love this blog post you have now! As I can see, a lot of people are always interested in reading your post..

    Kathryn recently posted b & b Paignton seafront.

  117. 121
    Elizabeth Fulmer

    Ok so I looked all over for an email address so I could write and tell you I bought your book and it was FUCKING awesome! So I just wanted to tell you that you are kickass!

  118. I think this: “He smells like what I would imagine syphilis smells like.” is perhaps the funniest line EVER.

    dysfunctional mom recently posted It's Closing Time.....

  119. 123
    Barb McCormack, aka Starwefter

    My kid wanted to know what I was reading, so I showed him and said, “It’s a very ugly stuffed monkey.” He said, “It doesn’t look ugly, it just looks old.” I said, “Well, her husband thought it was ugly.” He said, “Sounds like a personal problem….”

    I have an awesome kid.

  120. I am becoming seriously cocerned by your fascination with dead stuffed animals. Entertained, but cocerned.

  121. Fuck me, automatic spell change on my fucking phone.

  122. Just got home from seeing you in San Antonio. Thanks for a lovely evening!

  123. 127
    Pamela Wright

    I have never heard of you before now. . looking so forward to hearing from you through your blog and books!

  124. From now on, whenever I strangle a bitch that had it coming, I will tell the police that I accidentally loved them to death.

    The odd thing is, that’s actually happened…

    Valerie recently posted Let me tell you a story about a little girl....

  125. Oh, I remember loving this post the first time I saw it. Copernicus is so weirdly cute. In a freaky-scary kind of way.

    Jen @ Jen's Favorite Cookies recently posted Red Velvet Sugar Cookies.

  126. I need to know what thrift store that was, because I have NEVER seen anything that wonderful and amazing at Family Thrift and my life cannot possibly go on without a syphilitic monkey.

    Megan recently posted Sexy Summer: Sleeping In.

  127. 131
    3under20mths

    Got your book in the mail today and read the entire thing!!!! I haven’t laughed so hard EVER. THANK YOU for existing!!!

  128. My girlfriend and I just got home from seeing you tonight. Thank you for signing my e-reader and being so amazing. And for sharing your story with all of us. And for bringing laughter into so many lives.

  129. This has nothing to do with this post but I want to say that I just bought your book for my kindle and missed my stop on the metro because I was reading it and laughing. And you are quickly turning into my hero as blogger-turned-memoirist. That was my master plan, too. But ok, you got there first and we can still be friends. I don’t know about that half-faced monkey character, though. . .

    Melanie recently posted Real Food for a Busy Hungry Girl.

  130. Found your blog this afternoon, saw you were in town today, and decided you were so awesome that I had to go to your book signing. The 50 pages I read while waiting in line only confirmed your stupendousness. I meant to tell you so in person, but our only interaction was you reading my ‘double-plus ungood crime-thinker’ shirt, because I’m awkward like that. On a tangential note, I think Eoin Colfer’s _And Another Thing…” (a sequel to Douglas Adams’ _Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy_ series) has you beat on footnote length.

    caitlinstern recently posted Doorstop Cat.

  131. I loved reading this post the first time, and it still made me laugh out loud when I read it today. Just received my copy of your book, can’t wait to read it. I just need to find my copy of your autograph to place inside….I love Copernicus! He is definitely worth at least $7

  132. Boy oh boy, did I ever need this laugh tonight!!!

    Where were these valentine’s day when I was in school.. tsk tsk…

  133. I think this is the post that made me fall in love (platonically) with this blog.

    You are aware that right now, in china, there is a factory waiting to put Copernicus into production.

    While I am not in support of the mass murder of monkeys, perhaps another use for those dead kittens that are not suitable for the breast-pump-mitten conversion.. ?

    Blobmosis recently posted You've got to give this a try..

  134. Man, I got all excited about the Houston leg, but then I found out it wasn’t in Houston at all. Here is a note: If you’re inside the inner loop, you’re totally in Houston. If you’re outside the inner loop, but inside the outer loop, you’re not really from Houston, but we’ll let it slide. If you’re outside the outer loop, you’re just in some hot, small, sad place that aspires to be a suburb of a hot, sad, larger place.

    Which is a really long, belligerent way of saying I don’t like driving, so you should totally do some speaking in, like, real Houston. Oh! Do Brazos bookstore. They are awesome and strange there. Ask for Danielle Dimond–girl is crazy and inspired. It would be like a book-reading match made in heaven.

  135. Awesome is a word I use on your posts a lot, I’ll try another one! That’s one STUPENDOUS monkey my friend. Enjoy San Antonio.

    weezafish recently posted Happy Birthday Natey!.

  136. Jenny your book was worth every day of anticipation, butterscotch good! I did pre-order it, but I never got my bookplate. How do I go about obtaining one so my shrine will be complete? Adoration, Kathy.

  137. $7 for a breadstick holder? Total bargain.

    claire recently posted Ten Internet Tips For Beauty Bloggers.

  138. I loved this post, and used it as the perfect post with which to introduce my BFF to your writing. She immediately fell in love. Then she started re-dubbing me Copernicus. Not sure how to take that, as I don’t usually think of myself as a necrotic zombie mini monkey, but I think the message here is, we all need someone to love us…even when those closest to us tactfully inform us that we are like a haunted homicidal primate.

    Jordan KB recently posted In Sickness & Health: newlywed blues (and gratitudes).

  139. copernicu’s facebook posts crack me up. there is something severely wrong with you. thank you!!!

  140. it was AMAZING seeing you last night. Have an excellent time on your book tour!!

    leigh recently posted photoadayMAY, PNLE and the Bloggess.

  141. Enjoyed meeting you last night. Well done.

  142. This is the first post I read by you and I love it! Cracking up! Definitely hooked, and added you to my reader :)

  143. Good god you write some of funniest dialogue I’ve ever come across on the interwebz and I proudly refer people to your site to get a workshop on how to tell a tale. You bring people into the conversation with your excellent use of italics and caps and bolding. And forget about the butt-fucking awesome topics you converse about.

    It’s your world girl and I’m just a squirrel smoking a cigarette holding a pistol trying to get a nut. I’m glad you’re out crushing it with your book now and I’m wishing you even more success on your treasure hunting adventures for the selfish reason of wanting new stories and new cards to indulge in.

    Lewis LaLanne@mynotetakingnerd.com recently posted Internet Marketing Expert Frank Kern’s Brain Dead Simple Solution To Getting Paid For Selling Other People’s Stuff To Your List.

  144. I’ve taken to reading your posts out loud to my Hubby recently (mainly because some of them aren’t so appropriate for my 15 month old, she just wouldn’t get it) and at first he thought you are down right weird, then he thought you were weird with a point but I think you’ve gotten to him. I say this because he brought me over a link that he thought you might like:

    http://en-gb.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.195461387142601.43547.195447427143997&type=1

  145. I have always relied on the kindness of stranglers……

    Hey! Bought your book, and gave it to our best friend for her 40th birthday. We spilled a bit of Chinese food on it by accident, but the dust jacket hid it. Then we remembered that she is obsessive about removing dust jackets, so we had to point out the small stain. It smells like crispy ginger beef. I am eagerly awaiting reports on the book and may steal it because she lives in our basement and I have problems with temptation.

  146. 150
    Amy Smathers

    OMG, I have discovered the cause of WWII! I was messaging with my husband and he was not responding to me. So I threatened to have the monkey attack him, and well, this is how it went:
    Amy:
    Ya know, there is a fine line between a hug and strangulation!
    Coprrnicus the monkey says so!
    I wouldn’t fuck with that monkey if I were you
    He looks like he means business
    Hitler would have been scared of that monkey

    Kevin:
    Step AWAY from the monkey
    And the blog
    lol hitler

    Amy:
    for all we know the monkey started the war! He may have been trying to kill the monkey!
    OMG
    I just discovered the beginning of WWII!!!
    It was the monkey!
    That’s probably how he lost his face!

    Kevin:
    Hitler was OK with the Jews
    It was the goddamned monkey

    Amy:
    Holy shit, call Fox news!

  147. I saw “My Strange Addiction” and the girl was addicted to taxidermy and I thought of you.

  148. Well obviously someone in your neighborhood has issues. Who would steal such a well written, good intentioned sign? A kleptomaniac, that’s who or perhaps Victor? Have you checked the trunk of his car?

  149. Jenny,

    We the Internet feel that your life may be heading down a path filled with rotten dead animals that only a taxidermist would love. For the sake of Victor and his sanity I feel like we need to stage an intervention.

    Love,
    Copernicus, Juanita, and Ralph and Wonder LLama (your next purchase)

    Bil Simser recently posted Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

  150. Haha, I still can’t believe you let that thing near your neck!

    Beth recently posted Maybe It DOES Make A Difference?.

  151. I made this meme for you and I named it Copernicus Lawson. It is here on this website, http://memegenerator.net/instance/19435826 no it is not spam. I really made this into a meme.

  152. I just wanted to let you know this post had me laughing to tears.

    ….And now I’m hiccupping. Dammit.

  153. This is just too funny. Just found your blog. It’s nice to read something that you can laugh at. Will be coming back for more laughs.

    Anne Rodrigues recently posted Dryer R.I.P..

  154. word of warning: do NOT start reading this thing while on your iPhone or whatever on your way to the potty. you won’t finish reading it in time, you’ll be laughing and there will be this weird acoustic echo thing, people will whisper (and whispering in the potty is strange enough on its own) and it MAY lead to a blog post of your own titled “so that’s how i got toilet paper stuck on my hienie…”

    sean mclean recently posted The Least Of These.

  155. I would love to go shopping with you and Victor! This was hilarious, & not just because I grew up with a younger brother with an irrational fear of sock monkeys. Maybe I should send him a Copernicus card…

  156. If you sold a “A HUG IS JUST A STRANGLE YOU HAVEN’T FINISHED YET” card with his picture, you’d get crazy business.

    Do that.

  157. I’M PEEING MY PANTS!!!!!

    Kristy recently posted I. am officially a B.A Mamma Jamma!.

  158. You’re like … Lorelai Gilmore. But *real*! I’m….

    totally visualizing Lorelai having that conversation. I may need a while to compose myself.

  159. Brilliantly funny, thank-you xxxxxx

  160. You can tell Victor that Copernicus solidified a book sale for you today…..this post makes me want to dash straight to the second hand store to find something even a fraction as awesome as a half face monkey!

  161. LOL.. after reading about your new book in O, I was inspired to locate your blog as well… what fun! I look forward to reading the book too!

    Sharon Field recently posted Mini Tutorial: Apothecary Accents Label.

  162. I just saw this: http://www.etsy.com/listing/105620983/you-stole-my-heart-monkey-card
    And remember your entry about Copernicus and started laughing and laughing and laughing… thank you again for your writing!

  163. “(We were both yelling, but for two entirely different reasons.)”

    This. This happens to me all the time with other people.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s